What happens when profound loss becomes the turning point for a new beginning? On this heartfelt episode of Our Dead Dads, we sit down with Nikki Critchett, a life coach from the UK and the heart behind Tomorrow's You Life Coaching. Nikki has faced unimaginable personal tragedies, including the losses of her mother, sister, and father. She shares her inspiring journey from grief to healing, offering practical advice for those navigating similar paths. Her story is raw, real, and filled with actionable steps to help you find your way through the darkest times.

Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when tragedy strikes. We uncover the touching narrative of a family coming together in the face of a terminal cancer diagnosis. From reconciling with an estranged alcoholic brother to managing the immense stress on their aging father, this episode showcases the power of crisis to mend broken relationships. You'll hear about the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with long-standing family issues, including jealousy and abuse, and the bittersweet reconciliation that can come from facing life's hardest moments together.

The path to self-acceptance is often paved with the debris of false beliefs and past traumas. Through the lens of Nikki's experiences, we explore how shifting mindsets and letting go of limiting beliefs can unlock true potential and happiness. From the struggles of losing a parent at a young age to the powerful realization that self-worth comes from within, Nikki's insights are both profound and practical. And to lighten the mood, we end with a rapid-fire round where Nikki shares her inspirations and life aspirations, leaving you with a blend of heartfelt wisdom and a touch of fun.

IMPORTANT LINKS:

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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@NickiCritchett

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Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Our Dead Dads, the podcast where we normalize talking about grief, trauma, loss and moving forward. I'm your host. My name is Nick Gaylord, and on today's episode I'm honored to have my first international guest. Her name is Nikki Critchett. She lives in the UK, she's a life coach and owner of Tomorrow's you Life Coaching, and she's here to talk about several significant losses that she's experienced, including losing her mom to cancer when she was only 14, losing her sister to cancer years later and, more recently, losing her dad to an accidental drowning while she was on vacation with him. I'm sure you must be thinking how does someone recover from so much immediate family trauma and loss? Well, we're going to get into all of that in this episode, so prepare yourself for another emotional rollercoaster ride. Nikki will talk about the difficult path of processing her grief, moving past it and embracing her calling to helping others and becoming a life coach. Nikki will also provide her website and contact information if you would like to speak with her or if you know someone that may benefit from speaking with her. We had a lot of fun talking and I really hope that you enjoyed this interview with Nikki. Before we get started, I'd like to thank everyone for listening, for your feedback and for engaging with the show. Please follow our social media pages on Facebook, instagram and TikTok and, if you haven't already, please get on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen, hit that follow button and very important please give a five-star rating and leave a short review. Tell us what you like, tell us what you're looking forward to, tell us how the podcast has helped you or someone you know, or tell us anything else that you'd like to share. It takes less than a minute and it really does make a huge difference and helps us continue to gain awareness and exposure in the podcast community. If you've already rated and reviewed the podcast, I can't thank you enough. As you know, my goal is to normalize talking about grief, loss and trauma, which are topics that are not easy for most of us to talk about, but they're also topics that everyone should be discussing more not only discussing them, but not feeling like they're taboo topics. Time may not heal all wounds, but keeping everything bottled up inside does not heal any of them. Together, we are building a community for others to have a safe space to talk about their stories and feelings, and for anyone who may not yet be ready to talk just to listen to others and know that no one is alone on this path. That's why I say we are a community and I'm so happy to have you here. If you have a story of grief and loss to share and might want to be considered as a future guest on Our Dead Dads, please send your stories to deaddadstories at gmailcom. Please enjoy this episode and stick around for the end when I will tell you about next week's episode.

Speaker 1: 2:22

Our Dead Dads podcast is sponsored by Kim Gaylord Travel. If you can dream up the vacation whether a getaway for you and your other half, a family trip or a trip for a large group she will help you plan it. If you've never used, or even thought about using a travel agent for your trips, you really should. Kim will help you plan everything the flights, hotels, transportation, excursions, all the places to visit and all the sites to see. You'll get a detailed itinerary of everything and if anything goes wrong during your trip, you have someone to contact.

Speaker 1: 2:48

Whether you're looking for a customized European vacation, a relaxing stay at an all-inclusive resort, an Alaskan adventure, a Caribbean cruise, kim will work with you to make sure you have a seamless travel experience. Contact her today and plan your next trip with the peace of mind that only working with a travel agent can offer. And, as a special bonus for our listeners, mention Our Dead Dads podcast for a 10% discount on planning fees. You can find Kim Gaylord Travel on Facebook, instagram and LinkedIn, or email Kim directly. Her email address is kim at kimgaylordtravelcom. This might be our best option. I'm just going to have to figure it out afterwards. Stupid technology.

Speaker 2: 3:40

Yep, I agree.

Speaker 1: 3:42

As I said before, computers are only as smart as the idiot who's using it, and in this case, hi, I'm your.

Speaker 2: 3:47

Bill J.

Speaker 1: 3:48

Well, me too. This is so much fun. Should we give this a shot until technology decides to work against this?

Speaker 2: 3:54

Yep we shall.

Speaker 1: 3:56

Well, welcome to Our Dead Dads, the podcast with a very odd name and more incredible content beyond just the name. I get questions frequently lately, now that I'm starting to put this out there, a little bit more about how did you come up with the name of Our Dead Dads? And I tell the story of the conversation between my brothers and I of how we started referring to my father as Our Dead Dad and it just blossomed from there. I love that word blossomed. It blossomed, yeah, into this chaos that it has become, but it's so much fun, but welcome. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you so much for being here and allowing me the chance to interview you.

Speaker 2: 4:35

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 4:36

We've had a chance to talk a little bit prior to today and I've gotten to hear some of your story, and it's an incredible story. I'm really honored for you to be here and be willing to share this with me and with all the listeners. I think that this is definitely an experience that people are going to get a lot out of to hear your story, how you got through everything that you did in your life and hopefully, as my intention is with this podcast, to find someone who is still struggling with what they're going through and hopefully can take something away from this that will help them and hopefully we can have some laughs at the same time, I'm sure. All right, well, why don't you start off with your story? Why don't you tell us what it was like for Nikki growing up?

Speaker 2: 5:28

So I grew up in London or just on the outskirts of London. I have three siblings. I have two older sisters and an older brother, so I was the baby.

Speaker 1: 5:41

You are the baby.

Speaker 2: 5:42

Of the family I am, I had a reasonably happy childhood. I enjoyed going to school, to some degree sort of feel almost like I was an only child. My brother was six years older than me, okay, my next sister was 10 years and my eldest sister is 12 or 13 years.

Speaker 1: 6:04

Your parents had three kids and at some point clearly felt you know what our family is not yet complete, we need one more.

Speaker 2: 6:11

We do, and she's going to be a whinging, crying child. That gets on everybody's nerves. Yeah, why not? And this will make you laugh, me and my brother. There must have been mental issues going on all the way back then. My brother used to go to sleep rocking from side to side. He was obsessed with police cars, so he would go to sleep going like a police siren and I head-butted my way out of three cots. I literally would just keep head-butting until it fell apart, and I still have the bump on my head to this day, some 50 years later from, yeah, head-butting the cot. So, yeah, I'm not quite sure what happened with our DNA, but something obviously went wrong. It explains a lot actually.

Speaker 1: 7:03

And you were doing that just because your brother was driving you crazy.

Speaker 2: 7:07

I was too young, so I don't. Actually, at the time, obviously, when I was a baby and in a cot, I don't I wasn't there to see him rocking from side to side and you know, yeah, my parents would tell me about the head button. My dad literally padded out the cot to try and stop with the noise that would keep them awake. Anyway, for me, just constantly headbutting and, yeah, like I said, three cots apparently. I, um, I headbutted until the bottom fell out that I could escape.

Speaker 1: 7:37

As the youngest of any group of siblings frequently is, you were clearly determined to get your point across yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:46

I'm not being imprisoned in this cot no. I'm missing out on the fun. I want to get downstairs that's right, as you should.

Speaker 1: 7:54

Nobody should be held back from the fun yes, that's very true.

Speaker 2: 7:57

Later on I was actually always invited to join in the fun. But yeah, back then obviously I felt like I wasn't allowed to be part of it.

Speaker 1: 8:06

Well, it took a little while, I'm sure, for your siblings. You know we, in that respect you and I, are the opposites. You're the youngest of four. I'm actually the oldest of seven. My youngest sister is 17 years younger than me. You know, she was born when I was three months away from graduating high school.

Speaker 1: 8:22

My three youngest siblings they were from my dad's last marriage. So, yes, technically they're my half siblings, but I don't deal with half siblings. They're my siblings so as, being 12, 14, and 17 years respectively older than my three younger siblings, it is a little hard to. I love them, obviously, and I always did, but it's hard to have a certain closeness than if you were closer in age. But then again, my only full sibling, my brother Jack.

Speaker 1: 8:48

He and I are only 16 months apart and honestly, we hated each other growing up. We just we couldn't get out of each other's way. We just drove each other through the wall almost literally. And then, you know, we got out of the house, we got older, we went to college and we became I don't know if I want to say we became adults, because I'm 48 years old and I'm still not sure that I'm an adult but we became older, we found a little bit of maturity and we found that closeness. But my youngest sister, the one who's 17 years younger than me she refused to be held down by anybody. She has always been very strong-willed, very determined to do everything that she has set out to do, and it sounds like the two of you would actually get along really well.

Speaker 2: 9:28

Yeah, my son tells me that I am very determined. I see determination in him, but I don't always see it in me. Occasionally I'll do something and then it will remind me of what he said and it's like oh yeah, I can see why he sees this. Okay, the fact that he sees this.

Speaker 1: 9:45

Okay, the fact that he sees it in you is a good thing, because then maybe that will help you see it in you.

Speaker 2: 9:51

Definitely, as I get older I do see it, but throughout my life I didn't necessarily see it.

Speaker 1: 9:59

Let's circle back to your brothers and your sister and see what they saw in you.

Speaker 2: 10:02

Okay, my brother actually is probably my biggest fan. That isn't to say that my sisters aren't, but yeah, my brother has me on a pedestal and I can do no wrong, which is not true, but anyway, I have a really brilliant relationship with all of my siblings. Unfortunately, the sister that was 10 years older than me. We lost her to cancer back in 2016. However, she has left a legacy to all of us. Her strength and determination was a sight to behold. It was phenomenal. You say about half siblings and, very much like you, I don't see them as my half siblings. My mum was married previously, so their dad came from Ireland and, without going into all the things of it, but he snatched this particular sister when she was two, so she didn't actually grow up with us. She didn't come home till she was 17.

Speaker 1: 10:59

Oh, wow.

Speaker 2: 11:01

She spent a lot of her life in Ireland and she decided that she was going to go back to Ireland to die. Really pretty much which we or she, did get herself there, but literally within days me and my niece her daughter didn't realise just how close things were that. Actually, we may not have got her back there this probably will make me emotional now just thinking about her on the plane and she was in a lot of pain, but she stuck that flight out. It's not a long flight, it's only an hour but, however, an hour in that amount of pain and then the journey from the hospital in the ambulance to get to the airport. Then you know, get on the plane, come off the plane get to the hospice where she went to.

Speaker 2: 11:45

As emotional as it makes me, what a sight to see that she was that determined oh, this is what I'm doing. So she did. She left a legacy for all of us. We were fortunate. There may be listeners thinking, well, that's the word I'd use, but she was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer two years before. Anyone that doesn't know if it's secondary, ultimately they can't cure it, they can't take it away, so all they can do is give treatment and stuff to prolong, to put to extend life and not prolong it, extend it.

Speaker 2: 12:16

In that time she did so many things. Her and my brother had had a bit of a an estranged relationship in recent years and she fixed that with him, her and my eldest sister. There was a lot of sibling rivalry between the two of them and they mended that rift between them. She went on, her and I went on holiday. She went on holiday with my oldest sister, went on holidays with her kids day. My oldest sister went on holidays with their kids.

Speaker 2: 12:48

At the time I was working in a youth club and the youth club was kind enough to actually lend me the youth club for Christmas day, which sounds like a strange place to have a Christmas, but was just the most phenomenal day. We've all got them, them lasting memories. I saw a couple of my sister died in May and her birthday was, funnily enough, easter Friday, which is coming, and my niece had organised a surprise party in Ireland which we all went to. And so again, really that was unbeknown to us. She was going to go into hospital a couple of days after that, or actually on her birthday, and she wasn't going to come out again. But we didn't know that. Then she's definitely left a legacy of if I say you know, is really living life to the full.

Speaker 1: 13:33

So it absolutely sounds like it the mending of the relationships before she passed. Did that start when she found out that she was sick, or had it already started prior to that?

Speaker 2: 13:47

To be honest, it did actually start more so from her being diagnosed. Then She'd already been diagnosed three times previously. She was 28 the first time she got diagnosed, then it came back at 38. Then it came back at 48. And then she was 50 when they diagnosed her with terminal. Definitely more so the terminal was when she started fixing the relationships. Yeah, it was definitely after that, it wasn't before that, and I'm not saying she didn't. You know well my brother was an alcoholic and she couldn't face watching him kill himself, so she had to then keep him at a distance. Now the irony when she got diagnosed at 48, they did an operation that was like 12 hours long and did a full mastectomy, actually reconstruction, everything all at the one time. During this time my brother had just had a brain hemorrhage and they both got octolom exactly the same day. Um, wow, yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:57

But easier ways to get a family discount there is yeah, um, they was in separate hospitals, fortunately on the same train line, so you could just go from one to the other.

Speaker 1: 15:07

Go from one to the other. Okay.

Speaker 2: 15:08

Prior to that, funny enough, talking about dads, I was actually speaking to my dad and after them both being in the hospital, I saw him age about 20 years.

Speaker 1: 15:21

Pretty much right away.

Speaker 2: 15:23

Yeah, the stress of both of his children being in hospital. Not that I ever felt there was a danger with my sister, if I'm being honest. I mean, we lived together so I went to the hospital appointment so I knew exactly what they were going to do. I'd lost my mum to cancer. So it's like right.

Speaker 2: 15:40

Well, not that we know everything about it, but yeah, you know it's fine, whereas my brother's brain not that we know everything about it, but yeah it's fine Whereas my brother's brain hemorrhage was. I found that really, really scary, because it was like my brother's operating on his brain Is he actually going to survive?

Speaker 2: 15:52

So that was it was. He had obviously then since quit drinking, but obviously it was only two years later than that that my sister then got diagnosed again with the secondary, and then that's when she started fixing the relationship with him. But of course in the meanwhile, after his brain hemorrhage which to be fair was actually the best thing that ever happened to him because he did quit drinking so then they were able very much quite a short space of time, really, two years by the time they've both managed to recover from these things and then right bang, right now we're back in it again.

Speaker 2: 16:29

And then I think my brother also stepped towards her because obviously it's like what she's not going to be here forever, and none of us are but that tells you it's coming sooner rather than later, so do something about it yeah, I, I can understand, from your dad's perspective, the stress of the just total enormity of the situation.

Speaker 1: 16:50

Yes, your sister may not have been in a position where it was imminent life or death, as opposed to your brother. A brain hemorrhage is, it's pretty sudden. They're frequently not something that somebody will recover from, but to be dealing with both of those at the same time it's mind-blowing. I have a hard enough time imagining going through that, with one person going through something to that level, with two family members at the same time. And I don't have children, so I will never know what it's like to see one or two of my children going through things like that.

Speaker 2: 17:29

But I I can completely understand how it must have ripped your dad apart see, the natural order of things isn't it is that the parent will go first it's supposed to be.

Speaker 1: 17:40

That's what we're told our entire childhood is that you know that we're going to bury our parents. Our parents aren't going to bury us yeah all right. So your sister has the surgery. She's out of the hospital. Your brother recovers from the brain hemorrhage yeah and they are able to make amends. That's a wonderful thing. What about your other sister? How did they make amends?

Speaker 2: 18:06

they. Like I said, there was a lot of sibling rivalry because my elder sister lived with my mum. My mum was quite young I think she was only 16 when she had my oldest sister. The guy that she married was physically abusive and he was a drinker. I think the story that my mum said is when she fell pregnant. Then for my sister that's passed, that's when she left him.

Speaker 2: 18:37

The story goes that two years later she was taking my eldest sister to school and my younger sister was, like you know, toddling along behind and he just picked her up and he snatched her and he put her in a car. His version of events is slightly different, so, as it transpired, he used to beat my sister with a belt. He sexually abused her. Not that my eldest sister knew that the belt he sexually abused her, not that my eldest sister knew that.

Speaker 2: 19:07

So my eldest sister, I think, was always jealous of my other sister because it's like, well, he snatched you and he didn't snatch me. Why didn't he take me? Obviously didn't want me, likewise, bearing in mind the shit that she had, for want of a better word. Then she was jealous of her older sister because it's like you had it reasonably good, which actually I don't think she did really, to be honest, bearing in mind that my mom obviously was on her own for a while. Uh, she had it easy either, but from both of them, obviously their own perspectives, they think each other's got the better end of the deal.

Speaker 1: 19:40

My there was clearly also a lot that was not known by both sides which could lead to that assumption, but it sounds like your one sister was protecting your other sister by not divulging a lot of the details.

Speaker 2: 19:55

Yeah, possibly when I lost my mum. I lost my mum at 14. My middle sister, so to speak, was 24. And my older sister then was like 26, 27. The sister, so the middle sister, like I said, she didn't come home until she was 17. And then, at the age of 21, she fell pregnant and, for whatever the bizarre reason, she thought that my mom was going to kill her. So she just left home, she just disappeared one day.

Speaker 2: 20:29

My mom never saw her again, and so they didn't speak for the three years leading up to my mom's death, obviously not knowing what was going to come right because my sister wasn't around and then because they had this falling out and my mom was seriously stubborn and refused to pick up the phone to her when she was in herself. So my brother laughed and even my sister that passed, because she was the golden child. Well, of course she was the golden child. She was the child that my mom yearned for, that didn't have, so therefore she could do no wrong, whereas the rest of us were little shits and you know whatever. And then, even when my sister was sick, she'd be like I'm the golden child, and you know she'd be.

Speaker 2: 21:14

She'd say things to my dad like, or even to all of us. Actually she'd go yeah, but I'm sick. Right, god, you've got the trump card of your piss off and leave us alone with it. You know what I mean. So when my mum passed, by all accounts my older sister didn't ring her and tell her. I don't know. I wasn't actually at the hospital at that time.

Speaker 2: 21:34

So that's the story that you heard but yeah, and I think at the end of the day I'm not doubting that the you know the truth in it. I wasn't at the hospital on that particular evening and then me and my eldest sister went to the hospital the next day to go and see our mum. My middle sister also went to the hospital but was there at a different time to us and she didn't want to see my older sister at all. She was really angry with her because she hadn't called her and told her. And I do remember that night saying is anyone from Julie, which is my middle sister? And no one really answered. But obviously everyone was just in. It's not really shock because we knew that it was coming. But yeah, just the you know the events that were going on they were just in a fog.

Speaker 2: 22:22

So there was a lot going on between the two of them, but I think that it was Julie that actually instigated them to sit down and have a conversation.

Speaker 2: 22:35

Now again, I wasn't privy to that conversation, but Julie did tell me that they had a conversation and, yeah, I think she sort of laid all of her cards on the table about her life and about the crap that she'd endured and I can only assume that my elder sister, who's Jackie, also did the same and then between the two of them, that they then actually were able to empathize and sympathize with each other and then just be able to forgive it all and just let it go, because why are you holding on to it anyway? Other and then just be able to forgive it all and just let it go, because why are you holding on to it anyway? And bearing in mind we're now in a position that we know that julie's not going to be around for very long she knows herself she's not going to be around for very long. Whilst we still didn't know, you know, obviously, how long then it's like you know, is it really important anymore?

Speaker 1: 23:22

no, does it matter?

Speaker 2: 23:24

no, it never did anyway. But of course you get so bogged down in the emotions of everything and being stubborn, which can run in the family then you know understanding how unimportant the trivial bullshit is in the moment is very difficult.

Speaker 1: 23:41

It's something that people struggle with all the time. I've seen it over the years in my own family where a couple of family members for months or years would not talk about bullshit really about nothing really that important, certainly not anything worth losing months or years of a relationship over. And it's sadly as I've learned over the years. It's something that happens far too often. If you could say something at least on this particular topic to the listeners who have gone through something and haven't figured out how to deal with it, or maybe, if there are listeners who are going through this, have gone through it or don't know how to resolve a matter with their own family, having lived this with your two sisters reconciling and your sister and your brother, what would your advice be to them?

Speaker 2: 24:36

My question to them would be and I've used this question many a time if you took your last breath tomorrow morning, would it be important? The reason that you've fallen out? Is it important? Because the chances are it isn't, because at the end of our lives, it's not about anything material, money, none of that matters. What matters is the people and the people that you will have around you. If it was you taking your last breath, or, likewise, if that person that you, you know, that you're angry with, or whatever, if they took their last breath, how are you going to feel? Because I know, especially with with Julie, because she wasn't talking to my mum and they made it up, I think about a week before my mum died and my mum was completely out of it on morphine because of the pain. So the fleeting moments that they had, don't know. At least they managed to have them. But like what on earth did you two fall out for?

Speaker 1: 25:43

over over nothing over the idea that mum was going to be so pissed that she's pregnant at 21.

Speaker 2: 25:52

I mean, it isn't like the stupid thing is, like I said, she was the golden child yeah so she could have done anything and my mom would have I can't say forgiven. It just wouldn't have been a problem, it just would not. That makes it even more pointless.

Speaker 1: 26:09

Yeah, it's sad, the things that we build up in our minds and I think everybody's guilty of doing it. We build these things up in our mind that we think are going to be so monumental and so consequential and that are going to have such a negative impact on a relationship with a particular person or multiple people, and avoid talking about it for as long as humanly possible. More often than not, when it finally comes out, the reaction is really that's what you hid, that's what you decided not to talk about, and you really thought we were going to be pissed. It's sad that families are ripped apart for, as you said, for no real reason. It's not anything. It isn't about money, it isn't about possessions, it isn't about anything material.

Speaker 2: 27:07

It's the connections with the people.

Speaker 1: 27:10

Yeah, the connections are more important than anything. And listen, there are some families that are so fucked up that sometimes the best thing to do is to just not be around them. There are people who are mean, who are violent, who are abusive, who are destructive, and those relationships, the toxicity that exists there, is never good and sometimes it is best to remove yourself from the situation, completely separate yourself from the situation. This wasn't that. Your sister got pregnant Okay, people get pregnant all the time and at the end of the day, it's obviously better that your mom and your sister did reconcile. They did make up, albeit your mom was on morphine in a hospital and it was a week before she passed, but at least they had that.

Speaker 2: 28:06

Do you know if that gave any I don't know resolve or any closure to your sister, knowing that she made up with not really, because she then had to live with the regret of her action, to walk away from the house and then not obviously knowing what was going to come reasonably soon in the overall scheme of things. So she had to live with that. She had to live with her decision and obviously you can't take it back. It's done. So it was difficult for her to come to terms with that.

Speaker 2: 28:45

It was hence, like I said, when my sister and my brother got sick and they were being operated on, I wasn't speaking to my dad at the time and ordinarily, from watching this situation unravel with, like, my sister and my mum bearing in mind I was 14 I learned the lesson never. I'm never doing that. I am never falling out with any of my family. It's just never going to be a thing. And yet, 20 years later, I did fall out with my dad and at the time it's what. I never want to speak to him ever again. I just don't want to talk to him. I don't want him in my life. I don't need him in my life. I just know I'm done. And yeah, it was not like she was constantly nagging at me, but she was like because if something happens, you're gonna have to live with it, and I've lived with it.

Speaker 2: 29:31

Don't do that to yourself so that was that good advice from your sister at the time, it was not advice that I wanted to hear, but that I, having seen him age overnight, then he obviously pulled on my heartstrings and, yes, I'll make it up with him and resolve it. Well, not resolve it, it wasn't something we spoke about. My dad was very, I would say very selfish. Obviously, I haven't actually even got to the bit of him passing and, yeah, it's just like. You know what I'm done. I'm done with your selfishness. You don't give a shit about anyone but you. Everything has to revolve around you. You're not having me keep running around circles and you just wrapped up in your own bubble.

Speaker 1: 30:15

Let's talk a little bit more about your dad. So we've dealt with your mom getting sick and passing. We've dealt with your sister having multiple bouts of cancer, ultimately passing. Your brother was in the hospital with a brain hemorrhage. How did that affect your dad overall? Also, how did it affect your relationship with him?

Speaker 2: 30:39

When my mom first passed, the family pretty much almost become like ripped apart. So my dad turned to drink, as did my brother. Funny enough, I said he was an alcoholic. My dad turned to drink and on a daily basis would be in the pub. I was then at home alone. My two sisters had both got young families. They had their own lives, their own homes.

Speaker 2: 31:07

So my friends, I don't know, because my mum was in hospital for the entire month of December. So you know, obviously I don't know what's going on with my friends, because I'm backwards and forwards to the hospital, and it isn't that I didn't see them, but ultimately after passing they didn't come knocking at the door or anything. So I did, I felt completely alone. Knocking at the door or anything, so I did, I felt completely alone. I somehow came up with the belief that my dad doesn't really love me, because if he does, he'd be here and he'd be looking after me. And he isn't Not necessarily, I think, on a conscious level, but on some level was definitely my thought. And so I then became the adult, became the carer. I would ring around the pubs to make sure that he's actually alive and in one piece, he's not dead somewhere, and fortunately this particular pub that he went to. The landlord would actually put him to bed in the pub, so he's like, right, well, now I can go to sleep because my dad's safe. So that's cool then for me.

Speaker 2: 32:07

I then went searching for someone to love me and somebody to look after me. That led to a lifetime of disastrous relationships. My very first boyfriend, who was I, was probably I know it's probably about six months after my mum died, maybe a little bit longer. He was physically abusive. I didn't tell my dad what was going on. I didn't tell anyone what was going on. I didn't stay in it for too long. It was only 15 months, not that long really. Then, when I met who was to become the father of my son, he was nine years older than me, which again, now it's like you're looking for that father figure, you're looking for that someone to look after you. And he was not physically abusive, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive, and when I got pregnant for my son, he probably disappeared. Then my dad kicked me out because I've now fallen pregnant.

Speaker 1: 33:07

And not in a stable relationship.

Speaker 2: 33:11

No, he's bearing in mind, for you know, I met my son's dad when I was 16. So, bearing in mind, my dad had left me to my own devices for two years and then he tried to start being the dad and go you're not going to see him and you're not doing this and you're not doing that. Two years later. I remember even having the thought and who the fuck are you telling what to do?

Speaker 2: 33:32

you didn't give a shit for the last two years what I was doing, so don't start trying to pretend now like you give a shit now suddenly you care yeah, and you know I completely love this man and this man's like the absolute bee's knees and everything that you know, everything that I need, and he makes me happy and I love him and you know you're not gonna, you're not gonna scupper my happiness. Clearly my dad was right, but that's not the point and I didn't know that then um so yeah, I must say my dad didn't talk, so I I left the house.

Speaker 2: 34:04

He was like it's up to you if you have this baby and it's up to me, then if I let you live in this house, well off I go then. And this will make me emotional again. Now I've forgotten all about this. I would go to the house and sort of longing for him to put his arms around me, and he completely ignored me. He didn't speak, and then my sister would come to the house and he'd hug them, and that was really hard to see.

Speaker 1: 34:31

Sisters were getting the attention, you were not the physical affection, which is what you created then. You just weren't getting it from him.

Speaker 2: 34:39

I wasn't getting anything. He wouldn't speak, it was as if I wasn't even in the room. Then, by the time, I actually had my son my dad had a girlfriend in the meanwhile and I was. Then I was angry and it was like don't bring him up to this hospital, I don't want him seeing me, I don't want him seeing my baby, I don't want him nowhere near me. Anyway, she didn't go along with it, and so he did turn up at the hospital and then he was crying. So I was crying. It took a little while, but then we got back to normal, if you like, but how we was, probably before my mum died. So, without any of that resentment, I suppose, on my part, anyway, from there until, yeah, like I said much, much later, you're just a selfish prick and I just want you to be away from me selfish prick and I just want you to be away from me.

Speaker 1: 35:31

When it comes to the resentment and trying to pack that away, it sounds like you both wanted to fix the relationship and you also knew that there was shit there that was never going to go away, clearly wasn't going to change, but it also wasn't worth destroying a relationship over I mean ultimately until my mom dying.

Speaker 2: 35:53

We had a really good relationship, even though I can now see that I came up with a story to make sense of the situation, to To make sense to yourself.

Speaker 2: 36:07

Yeah, which then, yes, it did lead me to years of searching for unconditional love and to be looked after, but it wasn't true because, at the end of the day, ultimately, my dad did idolise me. So that wasn't true. But yeah, yeah, I went off on this quest to find this thing, believing that he didn't. Ultimately, he was just so wrapped up in his own grief and his own emotions at the time that made him behave the way he behaved.

Speaker 1: 36:40

It wasn't personal, it wasn't about me, it was about him what was it that ultimately made you realize he did love you, he did idolize you, he absolutely wanted you in his life and to be in yours.

Speaker 2: 36:54

Unfortunately, that has only come in the last 18 months.

Speaker 1: 36:59

Would you like to talk about that a little bit?

Speaker 2: 37:01

So my dad and my mom used to go on holiday to Malta. When I was younger I'd been and we'd had, like you know, really good times there. In another one of my disastrous relationships, after losing my sister, again, it's that longing for being looked after, so back into another mess. Anyway, this particular guy had also been on holiday to Malta. So we start talking about it and he's like let's go on holiday there. So I said to him I can't go without my dad.

Speaker 2: 37:32

My dad's been asking me for the last 10 years Can we please go back? Because he wants to go and reminisce and, you know, not necessarily relive it, but yeah, he wants to go back there. He's got this longing to go back there, so he booked the holiday. The nearer the holiday got, actually, the more I realized that this is going to be a disaster because I'm going to get pulled. I'm going to get pulled between the two of them. They're both going to want my attention. I can't split myself in half. This is just not going to end up the way I think it is, so I really would rather not go.

Speaker 1: 38:03

Now the guy that you were dating at the time. Did he and your dad not get along?

Speaker 2: 38:16

No, they did. They got along fine. They did get along really well, but my dad had really bad knees and could not walk very far. My boyfriend at the time couldn't drive anyway, so I'm going to be the designated driver. They both drink, so they're going to be drinking. The last time we went, there wasn't that many cars and so there was loads of space, and now, 20 years later, oh my God, there's just no parking spaces. So everywhere where we're trying to go, I can't get a parking space near enough for my dad to be able to walk. So then the boyfriend's getting the hump because he can't walk.

Speaker 1: 38:49

So what do you want me walk? So then the boyfriend's getting hump because he can't walk. So, based on right, so based on the physical limitations of both your dad and your boyfriend, that's why you felt you were going to be torn in between the two of them.

Speaker 2: 38:58

Yeah right, and that's really why you didn't want to go and my dad's selfish, so he's going to want to go to karaoke and he's going to want to do this and he's going to want to do that. And the boyfriend's selfish, so he's going to want to go to karaoke and he's going to want to do this and he's going to want to do that. And the boyfriend's selfish, so he's going to want to go and do something else. And right, well, where am I going? I'm stuck in the middle of this tug of war, almost Right Well, where am I going in this? So this I did.

Speaker 2: 39:19

I could picture all this before we ever even landed. This is where it's going, so I really didn't want to go. But I can't turn around to my dad now and go. Oh, you know, I don't think this is a good idea. And in the meanwhile, there was a neighbor that was looking after our dogs. My dad had two dogs, I had two dogs, so this poor woman's looking after four dogs, and she fell down the stairs two days before we were due to go.

Speaker 1: 39:41

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 39:41

And it's like you know she can't look after the dogs because she's, you know, she's hurt herself. Anyway, she was like no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

Speaker 1: 39:48

Right.

Speaker 2: 39:48

So hence, off we go on this holiday. There was a certain beach that my parents would go to, and so on the first day, it's like right, trying to find this beach, and he makes me get to a beach. It's like my dad's going, I'm sure. Sure, this is it. No, it isn't. Oh right, well, I think it is. Anyway, it transpires he was right, we was on the wrong beach. So on the third day we found the right beach. He's happy.

Speaker 2: 40:14

My boyfriend at the time had said about the you know, the fish and stuff for snorkeling. So I went out and I went into the water and then I wasn't there for very long. I was probably only there 10 minutes, maybe 15 at the most. And then so come out of the water anyway, my dad's not there. So where's my dad? Well, he's coming to find you, he's coming to get you. Well, not get me, but find me. Okay, I'm now standing on the water's edge and I'm looking for him, and his snorkel had a little orange tip the top. So I'm trying to scour the surface of the water looking for this snorkel, and I can't see it, and so the panic starts rising. But all in the meanwhile I'm, you know, also like don't be silly, like it's fine he's on the beach somewhere yeah, right.

Speaker 2: 41:01

So then, literally five minutes later, I catch out of the corner of my eye someone being dragged out of the water. So it's like, well, obviously go running off in that direction. And it is, it's my dad, and he's there and he's unconscious, and obviously there's other people that were all on the beach. So there's lots of people that are that are around and they started CPR and I'm kneeling next to him and I'm pleading with him please don't leave me. We were there for 17 minutes until the ambulance eventually arrived.

Speaker 2: 41:38

My boyfriend he's, I remember him saying to me he's gone and I did, I knew that, but he's sort of hoping no, they're going to put me in the ambulance and maybe they've got a defibrillator in there and maybe they've got this and maybe they've got that, and maybe it's all just all going to be all right, it's all going to be all right. Needless to say, I had to then drive the car, so then, well, I wasn't following behind. The ambulance had gone already. So then go get in the car, put the sat nav in, get to the hospital, only obviously to be told that, no, he's not survived it, and obviously, initially it's shock. So they were in this foreign country. Fortunately, whilst obviously Maltese is their main language, but they all speak English, italian students go over to Malta to learn English.

Speaker 2: 42:23

So it could have been way worse. But now I need to phone up my siblings and I need to tell them that he's gone. And it isn't my fault, but I feel like it's my fault. If I didn't take him, I wouldn't be having this conversation and I didn't want to go on this stupid coddle day anyway, and if I did what I wanted and I didn't go, I wouldn't be having this conversation. So I have to phone them and I have to tell them. And my sister's screaming not screaming at me, but she's screaming at the other end of the telephone. What are you telling me? So we stayed out there until they brought his body home, because I wouldn't leave him alone. That he would have known. But I'm not leaving. So they, they did an inquest while we was out there.

Speaker 2: 43:10

They did another inquest when we got back to the UK they inquest, you mean autopsy yeah, and they did have a coroner's inquest which is like obviously in the court to actually discuss the autopsy and stuff. And I'm pleading for it to be a heart attack, because at least that would make some sort of sense that I could get my head around. And it wasn't he just drowned?

Speaker 1: 43:33

There was no determinable cause of death other than drowning.

Speaker 2: 43:36

And then you know it's just like how. And then even that if I wasn't in the water he wouldn't have come in the water. So there starts like this series of blaming yourself unanswerable questions.

Speaker 2: 43:51

Well, why did I go in the water? Why did I go on the holiday? Why did he come in the water after me? You know just why. And there's there is no answers, and I was so angry, I was in such a rage with myself and this overwhelming yearning to be able to go back in time which of course we can't do and just and change it. I can't. Then in the meanwhile I then obviously I go to the doctors. They put me on I can't remember if I did tell you I think they did put me on antidepressants. They refer me. I, you know, pretty much have like a year's worth of counselling with bereavement counselor and a PTSD psychologist. Then my charming boyfriend at the time is telling me that I'm mental and I'm a nut job and I've got serious mental issues well, clearly, that's exactly what you needed to hear at this point fortunately, even at the time he said it, I reacted to it in the way that I'm reacting now.

Speaker 2: 44:55

It was like walter for ducks back. It's like do you know what fuck you? I watched that. Am I traumatized? Yes, I am. Have I got a right to be? Yes, I have. And if you don't see, that's your problem yeah, and there's one of us that's able to go back onto a beach, and it isn't me right so clearly you weren't traumatized by that, but I was.

Speaker 2: 45:18

But they made that because that was my fucking dad that was on that beach yeah unfortunately my the house that I was living back at my dad's, hence him, you know, coming on holiday with us and it was social housing and it was in his name. So I then got evicted from the family home where my mum was when she was alive, and you know now all of this mess. We end up having to leave the home, which again. So then even that the you know the guilt of now, right, the family home's being taken away from my brother and sister. I I'm not only taking away their dad, now, I'm taking away the house Again. It wasn't me, but yeah, it still goes back to.

Speaker 2: 45:58

If I never went on that holiday, none of this would be happening. I made a choice not to go drinking alcohol, because that would have been my normal point of call let's go in a bottle and try and escape from all of this. And I didn't, which at the time I was pretty proud of myself and even looking back, it's like no good for you. You actually, as tough as this was, you faced it. I ended up with staying with a boyfriend for another four years after my dad died and then I eventually got the courage to actually end that relationship. From ending that relationship and actually finally feeling some sort of peace, to just then recoup, so to speak, and figure everything out. Well, that was definitely the start of the turning point. Well, that was definitely the start of the turning point.

Speaker 2: 46:54

And then, in the meanwhile, a friend of mine that I knew from when I was a teenager and who'd recently sort of come back into my life he was 46 and he went to bed and he didn't wake up. He had a heart condition that he didn't know about, and I'd only seen him on the Monday, and this was Friday. Someone was telling me I'm really know, sorry, but this is what's happened. From that actually making a decision, that's it. No more I've, I am not doing this with my life. No, no more, I'm not living in the past. I'm not asking no questions, I'm just going to accept everything. You, you just accept it. There's no answers. You're never going to find them, you just have to accept it. It is what it is. You're never going to make sense of it. From making that decision to just accept everything, I then put myself on a coaching course. I don't really know why, I don't know why I was called to it for.

Speaker 2: 47:51

Whatever the reason, something with it resonated. That really was the turning point in coming to the realization of thinking that my dad didn't love me and that he I wasn't enough to actually then sing the truth that wasn't the case, that he always did love you, he adored you. Whatever possessed you to even be thinking something like that, god only knows. But you know, bear in mind, obviously, everything that was going on when I lost my mum.

Speaker 2: 48:24

It's you know no wonder if I wasn't thinking straight and because of my age, and so finally, at a point to be able to see the truth of everything, and even the truth of him, that through his life, I'm sure things happened in his childhood that gave him false beliefs, just like me, that he was living from and then creating, you know, not necessarily disastrous relationships, but whatever it was for him creating, you know, not necessarily disastrous relationships, but whatever it was for him.

Speaker 2: 48:57

So fortunately that he isn't no longer here, because if he was alive one I probably wouldn't have come to this realisation. But even if he was to be able to tell that story and to say that's how he made me feel, I wouldn't want him to know that, because that would really hurt him to think I behave like this and that's the effect that I had on my own daughter and she's lived her life one disaster after another and nothing but mentally and abusive relationships, all because I behave like that. I know you'd be devastated. And that wasn't what he meant. That wasn't what he was, that wasn't evil, that wasn't what he was telling me. That was just what made sense to me at the time.

Speaker 1: 49:39

You said before that the way that your dad actually felt about you was pretty much the opposite of what you believed. Do you know now how much he loved you? Do you know how proud he was of you? Do you also know that it's not your fault it isn't your fault that you went on the holiday. It isn't your fault that you were at the beach. It isn't your fault that you went into the water?

Speaker 2: 50:01

Yeah, because it just is.

Speaker 1: 50:04

Let's talk about your next steps in life, moving forward, and how you were finally able to accept all of that and what you've done since to accept all of that and what you've done since.

Speaker 2: 50:13

So, from realizing the truth about my life, about what happened to my dad, to being in a place where I know that I am enough I always was. I'm actually really independent and stubborn and determined, just like my son said, and I've never actually needed anyone to look after me because I'm more than able to do it for myself. And I've since learned to, from knowing that I'm enough to learning to love myself unconditionally and, from that place, finding unconditional happiness, and not because of anything that's in my life I don't need. As well, I don't want to say I don't need anything in my life. I need my family and the connections, my son and the friends that I have in my life. It's the people that I need. From what I've learned, I have, then, since gone on a course to actually learn how to be a coach, and my passion is to go out and tell you know and to teach, not tell. To teach and guide others so that they also see the truth that they are enough.

Speaker 2: 51:36

There is absolutely nothing external new house, new car, new job, more money no matter what it is. Not even a relationship is going to make you happy. Only thing that's going to make you happy is you. And when you are in this completely or complete, actually complete and whole place in yourself, then you actually have everything. And even you know in relationships you're already going into it and you already know your value. If you know your value, you believe that others can see it. If you don't believe that you're valuable, how can you believe that others can see? You can't, even if you think you can, even if you stand there and you say yes, they can. No, because if you can't see it it, if you can't believe that about yourself, how can you believe that, that others are looking at you that way? You can't. So you think that they're looking at you and they're judging you and they're thinking all the same things about you as you are. And they're not.

Speaker 1: 52:49

And also, how much does it really matter what anybody thinks about us as individuals? If we feel that we deserve to lose relationships with siblings or parents over meaningless crap, if we think that we don't deserve to be happy, if we think that we as individuals are not enough, that we don't bring enough to the table for ourselves, then how is anybody else ever going to believe it? I think that's something that a lot of people struggle with and I hope that there is at least one person who's going to. I hope there are many people, but I hope that there is at least one person who's going to hear everything that you went through through growing up, through all of your relationship trauma losing your mom, losing your sister, losing your dad and how long it took for you to get to the point to realize you are enough. You are worth it. You are more than worth it. You are the most important thing in your life. I hope that somebody can hear this and take that away and maybe relate it to something that they're going through. I hope that they can hear the story and take away that they are worth it. Everybody is worth it. You were worth it and nobody deserves to be in a bad situation. That shit happens all the time. But there are different levels of bad To be in a physically abusive relationship and then a mentally abusive relationship. They're horrible experiences.

Speaker 1: 54:47

My dad was never physically abusive. There were definitely good sides of my dad, but growing up there were also very mentally abusive parts of him, maybe because he wasn't happy with himself. So he would take it out on whichever wife he was with at the time and he had five of them, by the way. He would take it out on his children and he didn't care. He didn't give a shit about what kind of a wake he left behind him. He didn't care who he hurt. He didn't care about any of it. He just cared about himself a lot of the time.

Speaker 1: 55:23

It took me a long time through growing up to realize that I'm not nearly as bad as he made me out to for a long time believe that I was, that I wasn't trying hard enough, I wasn't doing good enough. I don't exactly remember if there was an aha moment, if somebody flipped the switch and I realized it. But eventually I did and I'm glad that I did. There are some times that I think back to some of the just horrible, demeaning shit that my dad said to me growing up and as a young adult and even in my 20s, 30s Not as much as I got older he realized I wasn't going to listen to it, but hearing those things as I was younger it affects you.

Speaker 1: 56:09

It affects you in the worst possible ways because you hear enough of the bad shit and eventually you start to believe it, whether or not it's true, and it's not healthy for anyone.

Speaker 2: 56:20

We live in a negative world, so we always believe the bad shit is easier to believe.

Speaker 1: 56:24

Yeah, the bad shit is easier to believe Sometimes we do. We live in a very negative, a very destructive, a very self-destructive world. Negative, a very destructive, a very self-destructive world. It's really incredible how we as humans have the capabilities to do such wonderful things and we have as a species and as a society. We've done some wonderful things and we've also done just the worst of the worst. And maybe if we can all realize that we just don't have to be that way, then maybe we can improve as a society, as cultures, as towns, as countries, as a world or as humans and as individuals and as families.

Speaker 2: 57:05

I can only speak from my own personal experience, but from turning on myself and looking inwards and changing how I see myself and realizing that I am enough has now completely changed my perspective of the outside world. It is such a nicer place, is a much better place, and you do, you see the good rather than seeing the bad. And I work in a hospital and, yeah, I just see good. You know it's not well, I do see good things. Actually, I see good things every day. I don't even have to be at work, I'll be anywhere, but it it does.

Speaker 1: 57:45

When you change how you view yourself, it changes everything it's hard to do such a complete course correction in your own life and a lot of people don't have the tools to know how to do it. It doesn't have to be a complete course correction. It can be a little bit of a correction, but it's just a shift of mindset.

Speaker 2: 58:09

It's just a shift and through looking at something with a different perspective, you then get these aha moments and then everything becomes clear. It's as if someone opens the curtains or they turn the light on that. You can then go from looking at this one area and then it lights up everything else and you can start seeing everything for what it really is and nothing actually has any meaning other than the meaning we put on it.

Speaker 1: 58:40

Let's talk about you as a coach. You have taken on this entire new life. You've decided to help people and you may be on the other side of the pond, but you have helped a lot of people. I would love for you to talk a little bit about what you do and the services that you provide and, in the event that somebody listening does need some place to turn, how they can turn to you.

Speaker 2: 59:08

Okay, so, as you said, I'm a coach, predominantly looking to work with people who, just like me, they may not realize that they're living from a belief. I didn't realize the belief that I was living from, but all I knew is my life was not how I wanted it and I almost felt like a just rolling and just allowing life to just happen to me Just blowing in the wind, yeah just blowing in the wind, in whatever direction that it happened to blow in, and just allowing all of these things to just happen upon me, rather than having any drive or motivation.

Speaker 2: 59:55

The course that I ended up going on was actually, you know, pretty much saying that you don't really know what it is that you want out of life. So it might well be you know that you are in a relationship and maybe, just like me, they're all disasters and you think this is this unworth, more than this. Why are these things keep repeating? I want someone that truly loves me, that you know, that's going to look after me. That's going to be this relationship that I truly want, whatever that is for you. Or it could be that you know you're in a job, but the job sucks. You're not really enjoying the job, don't really feel like you've got a purpose. It could be you've got kids, but they've grown up, so your purpose was being a mum and now you're no longer needed as a mum because the kids have all buggered off.

Speaker 2: 1:00:37

And then, through sort of setting the intention of the area that it is that you actually want to work in, but then looking at what other areas of your life, because you will have them where actually you do feel strong.

Speaker 2: 1:00:51

So, like I said, I work in a hospital and actually the me in the hospital, the me at work, was this really strong, compassionate and empathetic person.

Speaker 2: 1:01:01

So you will have areas where you are strong and then bringing those areas where you are strong to the forefront to actually make you realize what your strengths are, and then, where you have got the gaps, then you know, actually getting really to the truth of what it is that's holding you back.

Speaker 2: 1:01:22

So ordinarily it does tend to be that somewhere and you've said it yourself feelings of I'm not enough, I'm not lovable, I'm bad, I'm not worthy, I'm not capable, and again all these wonderful negative things that we believe in ourself. And then, yeah, getting you to actually shift that mindset and actually to start seeing it for what it is, to see the truth in that, and then, like I said you will, you'll come to that realization and I've done this with the people that I've coached already you start to see, oh, I am enough. And once you, like I said earlier, once you actually change how you see yourself, if you love yourself, you can believe that others can love you, if you can forgive yourself for whatever mess-ups that you would have made in your life, because we've all made them you can then believe that others can forgive you.

Speaker 2: 1:02:21

So you can start mending those relationships, whether they be with family, friends, whoever you can, fixing them and moving on from them. I have a website, wwwtomorrowsulifecoachingcouk. I'm also on Facebook Tomorrow's you Life Coaching. I'm also on YouTube, although I believe that's under my name, nikki Critchett, and I've got various different videos, et cetera, that I film every week and put out just to try and teach people ultimately how to let go of their limits.

Speaker 2: 1:03:03

So, for me, I lost my mum at 14, as I said, and when she died, it did. It left me feeling like I was abandoned, like I wasn't good enough. Died it did. It left me feeling like I was abandoned, like I wasn't good enough, I didn't deserve to be looked after. But what I learned through my own journey of being coached was that this limit has driven me through life, as has been the underlying factor in what I thought and what I felt, and then what, how I've behaved and the things that I've created was not just about a string of disastrous relationships, but repeating this thing because of feeling like I'm just going to be abandoned again and again, and it was a complete revelation to me. I learned something that I had no idea was going on. What I've already seen through being a coach is that most people are living from not necessarily that same thing, but they're still coming from a place where they're lacking, where they feel like they're not enough, they're incomplete and they feel like there's something wrong with them. But when you see the belief that you had in yourself all along and then you're able to actually look at it and question it with an adult maturity and see that it's not true that then when you make this shift about what you believe in yourself, it then opens up a whole world to you. If you don't feel like you know you deserve an amazing relationship, you don't deserve the promotion at work, you don't deserve to have more money, you don't deserve to have happiness, then you're never going to go for it. If you feel like you don't deserve it but it's not going on in your conscious mind, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 1:04:58

One thing that I ask people is what do you focus on, and are you focusing on what you have or what you don't have, because that will influence your emotions? Do you focus on what you can control, or do you focus on what you can't control, because, again, that will influence your emotions, then where do you focus the majority of your time? And bear in mind that we're talking about grief. You know, if you are constantly focused on the past, on what you feel like you've lost, on what you didn't have when this person was alive whether that be your dad or anybody else it's never going to take you to a good emotional state. And when you're in that place, it then leads to thoughts which leads to, you know, even darker feelings. So ultimately, you know you end up with depression and you can't get out of it. And you know you might take tablets and then you find out they're not working because your state of mind is still in that same place.

Speaker 2: 1:06:03

So, having learned this and I've been through it myself I've had all those beliefs and I've seen it now so many times with clients. So that is it's like that's my true purpose, it's like my mission in life to to help as many people as possible see these limits. And then you know, start actually realizing that isn't true that they are whole, they are complete, they are enough, just as they are as imperfectly perfect that they are as we all are. But when you suddenly have this belief in yourself and you actually start giving yourself love and support first, before you give it to everybody else, you can then have one. More importantly than anything is to actually have complete happiness and peace of mind and contentment which, let's face it, we're not getting out of here alive, so we may as well have as much joy and happiness while we're here that we can actually have.

Speaker 2: 1:07:13

And that isn't saying challenges won't come along, but again, if you have a belief in yourself and you know that you can get through that challenge because you've got through every challenge right up until now, so I'm sure anything else that comes along, you're going to figure a way around it and how to deal with it then you can start actually having a life that you just love to live it. You are having your best life, and that doesn't say there has to be anything major going on in it. You might only have all of what you've got in your life right now, but you're in a place where you're grateful and appreciative for what you have, rather than looking at, well, my life's crap, because, you know, even going to work, most of us got to go to work. A lot of us are in a job that we don't particularly like.

Speaker 2: 1:08:03

But if, when you wake up in the morning, you think actually it's my choice to go to work, I have a reason to get up. I add value to my workplace and at the end of the month, the money that I do get allows me to have all the things. I have a reason to get up. I add value to my workplace and at the end of the month, the money that I do get allows me to have all the things I have in my life. But it creates a different emotion. You go out into the day then looking forward to it, rather than I've got to go to work.

Speaker 2: 1:08:28

Which, then, who do you show up as? You just get frustrated with everyone you come into contact with and you're pissed off and you're tired and you're grouchy and yeah you know, right, you, you've got to go to work, you need.

Speaker 2: 1:08:41

You know you've got a home and you know it needs to be paid for. Well, why not enjoy going to work and actually seeing what it gives you, rather than going out of the door just grumpy as hell and miserable? So it's not. It isn't all sunshines and rainbows and unicorns. That's not what I'm saying, but it's just the shift in what you want to focus on, and by doing that and I speak personally, I speak from the heart it completely changes your life and you suddenly realise all of the strengths that you've got and all of the attributes that you've got that you can actually then help other people with. That you can give to others to you know, be it give them a helping hand or whatever. It doesn't have to be, doesn't have to be anything major, just an act of random kindness, as it said in the film you know you go past a homeless person.

Speaker 2: 1:09:46

It's cold outside here. Have a cup of coffee yeah, that's to be big, but just it does it. It alters your perspective. Ultimately is what it does from changing how you view yourself. It changes how you see the world by learning to focus on all the things that are going to put you in the right state of mind will open your life up to such a world of possibilities and opportunities that you had no idea that were there and even you know in terms of the podcast and grief, if you look back and you look at what you had with that person, what you gave to them and what they gave to you, and take out all the good, and even the not so good but, but that you can use as a lesson, as an opportunity as both you and I have done, nick to then be able to again go and make a difference to somebody else, let somebody else know you're not on your own, you're not feeling anything that somebody else hasn't felt, we're all in the same boat together.

Speaker 1: 1:10:51

We are, and we've said it, I've said it multiple times that no two paths through grief are the same. No two experiences of grief are the same. The important part is knowing that there is a path through it and there is always somebody to talk to, whether it's me, whether it's a friend or a spouse or a coworker, a random stranger, or maybe not so much a random stranger, but a very specific stranger Anybody that would reach out to me or reach out to you. They don't necessarily know us, and that's okay. You don't have to know a person Anytime that you go to therapy. If you're talking to a therapist, you're not going to a therapist because you know the person. You're going to them because you're hopeful and believe that they can help you through what you're going through.

Speaker 1: 1:11:44

And, nikki, I'm so grateful to you for your time today, for this entire interview, for having shared your story, because I cannot imagine how unpleasant it was to experience everything that you experienced between losing your mom, losing your sister, losing your dad, to see what you're doing with that, to see how you've turned that around. You've started this journey as a coach and you are looking to help people and I truly hope that somebody who's listening to this interview is going to reach out to you and want to work with you, because there is a path through everything that you're going through. Nobody is immune to grief. Everybody has experienced it. We know that. So, now that we've divulged all of the trauma in our lives, what do you say? We wrap this up with a little bit of fun to end this conversation.

Speaker 2: 1:12:42

Yep, I'm up for that.

Speaker 1: 1:12:43

Fun's good. So the method of fun that I was talking about is at the end of all of my interviews we play a little round of rapid fire questions. I'm going to ask you a whole bunch of questions that generally have nothing to do with what we just talked about. If by any chance they do, it is unintentional. This is just a list of questions that I have. Before each episode. I randomized the questions and I just start at the top of the list and go down, so the questions won't necessarily be related to each other or anything we just talked about. It's just meant to be fun and a little bit of decompression and also get to learn some random facts of knowledge about you.

Speaker 2: 1:13:21

Okay cool, I can answer those. I was thinking, oh, it's going to be general knowledge, but oh God no.

Speaker 1: 1:13:26

I don't think this is general knowledge. Some of them may be, but most of them are not.

Speaker 2: 1:13:31

Okay.

Speaker 1: 1:13:32

Okay, let's get started. Who inspires you, tony Robbins? Is there such a thing as objective beauty?

Speaker 2: 1:13:39

Yes, I think so.

Speaker 1: 1:13:41

What is your go-to karaoke song?

Speaker 2: 1:13:47

Oh God, it's George Michael and and elton john don't let the sun go down on me.

Speaker 1: 1:13:48

That's a good one. What world record do you think you have a shot at beating?

Speaker 2: 1:13:52

I'm gonna say skiing but being the absolute worst skier ever, not the best I, I went down on my backside in january.

Speaker 1: 1:14:00

I'll be on my backside maybe you could set the world record for the most falls in one attempt of skiing.

Speaker 2: 1:14:07

The most bruises yes, yes, I think I must have fallen at least 50 times, so yeah, I think I've beat that record.

Speaker 1: 1:14:15

That's pretty impressive. What is your favorite type of weather?

Speaker 2: 1:14:18

Summer sunshine, Although I do like snow.

Speaker 1: 1:14:22

Who doesn't like a little bit of snow now and then? Would you rather climb a mountain or jump from a plane? Both, both. Have you ever done either one?

Speaker 2: 1:14:30

I have climbed a mountain. It's not a very big one, actually, it's only 918 meters but I did climb a mountain in quite extreme conditions emotional conditions, not weather conditions. So yeah, however, I've never jumped out of an airplane, but I'd love to do that.

Speaker 1: 1:14:47

You would love to go skydiving one day.

Speaker 2: 1:14:48

Yeah, nice, it's on my bucket list.

Speaker 1: 1:14:52

Very nice. Do you snore? Yes, that's okay.

Speaker 2: 1:14:56

I'm not supposed to admit that now.

Speaker 1: 1:14:58

I'm not supposed to admit that I do either, but I know that I do, and my wife knows that I do. What was the name of the street that you grew up?

Speaker 2: 1:15:05

on Eames Farm Avenue.

Speaker 1: 1:15:07

Nicknames that your parents used to call you.

Speaker 2: 1:15:09

Oh God, my dad called me Bicky Peg. My mum didn't really ever call me a nickname, actually, but my aunt always called me Biscuit, and I still get called that to this day.

Speaker 1: 1:15:20

That's something that just stuck with you through life.

Speaker 2: 1:15:23

Yes, as well as eating them. That's where I got the name from eating them. Nice Bicky Peg was from when I just had one tooth In my old age. I may have just one tooth and I'll be Bicky Peg again.

Speaker 1: 1:15:34

You might get back there. What is your favorite thing to do in summertime?

Speaker 2: 1:15:38

Anything I love. The summertime Just energizes me to do anything and everything Cut the grass, clean the car, clean the house.

Speaker 1: 1:15:47

Do you have your own Netflix account or do you use somebody else's?

Speaker 2: 1:15:50

I use my son. Well, I did use my son's. Now we can't. Here in the UK They've stopped it.

Speaker 1: 1:15:55

Same with here. Now they charge, I think, an extra $4 a month, if they realize that people are regularly logging onto your account.

Speaker 2: 1:16:06

Yeah, what time do you usually wake up? In the morning, around six o'clock. What is the stupidest? Dare you ever agreed to do so when I was about five, five or six. Funny enough, it was the first time my parents went on holiday and so my oldest sister was looking after me at the time. Like I said, I lived in like social housing, so it was a council estate, and they were changing the front doors I have no idea why, but clearly health and safety wasn't really a thing back then in the 70s and they put the doors on the grass outside the house and there was a young boy that obviously lived down the road anyway dared me to jump in the door and so I did and I cut my foot. It bled a lot, I cried and then I went to the hospital when I was crying for my mum, who obviously was on holiday and that's just like well, just shut up, because she's not here anyway, and I hated that hospital ever since.

Speaker 1: 1:17:07

You probably haven't done anything like that since.

Speaker 2: 1:17:09

I didn't choose to jump in a door again. No, I've done many stupid things, but just not jumping in a door. Jumping in glass didn't seem like a good idea after that.

Speaker 1: 1:17:18

Yeah, definitely no injuring yourself, at least not intentionally. How often do you floss?

Speaker 2: 1:17:24

Probably once a week.

Speaker 1: 1:17:25

Okay.

Speaker 2: 1:17:26

I don't do it every day.

Speaker 1: 1:17:27

If you find a bug inside your house, do you kill it or do you take it outside so that it can live?

Speaker 2: 1:17:32

Take it outside so it can live.

Speaker 1: 1:17:33

Have you ever won a bet?

Speaker 2: 1:17:35

I don't think so. I'm not very good at gambling, so no, I don't think I've ever won a bet.

Speaker 1: 1:17:40

Okay. Do you prefer money or?

Speaker 2: 1:17:43

happiness, happiness.

Speaker 1: 1:17:44

Morning or evening.

Speaker 2: 1:17:46

Morning.

Speaker 1: 1:17:48

Sourdough or wheat.

Speaker 2: 1:17:49

Sourdough.

Speaker 1: 1:17:50

What's your favorite food?

Speaker 2: 1:17:52

Thai.

Speaker 1: 1:17:53

What's your favorite type of muffin?

Speaker 2: 1:17:55

What type of muffin? I think we only have one muffin here Egg McMuffin from McDonald's is quite nice. I would have one of those for I can't tell you how long.

Speaker 1: 1:18:04

Muffin is in the name, I'm going to count it as a muffin I like crumpets.

Speaker 2: 1:18:07

Does that count?

Speaker 1: 1:18:08

It absolutely counts.

Speaker 2: 1:18:11

Crumpet with marmite and then melted cheese is the best thing. I need to try that one day. It is really good. I would highly recommend it.

Speaker 1: 1:18:20

Learn by watching or learn by doing?

Speaker 2: 1:18:22

Doing.

Speaker 1: 1:18:23

Do you believe in fate?

Speaker 2: 1:18:24

I believe in destiny yes doing.

Speaker 1: 1:18:29

do you believe in fate? I believe in destiny?

Speaker 2: 1:18:30

yes, would you rather cuddle with a baby panda or a baby penguin, or can I not?

Speaker 1: 1:18:32

say both. You could say both. What time do you usually go to bed at night?

Speaker 2: 1:18:36

on average 10, but once a week at least. It can be very late at night or early in the morning, depending on where you want to look at it. Of Of course.

Speaker 1: 1:18:46

Is it wrong for a vegetarian to like to eat animal crackers? No, are you more cautious or bold?

Speaker 2: 1:18:53

Nowadays definitely more bold.

Speaker 1: 1:18:56

What dish do you cook the best?

Speaker 2: 1:18:58

Oh God, I've got so many of them. It's Thai curry probably.

Speaker 1: 1:19:01

Would you rather be able to speak every language in the world or to be able to talk to animals?

Speaker 2: 1:19:06

Talk to animals. Talk to animals.

Speaker 1: 1:19:08

Do you have a favorite number Three? Have you ever been to Africa?

Speaker 2: 1:19:13

No.

Speaker 1: 1:19:14

What was the last song that you listened to?

Speaker 2: 1:19:17

Unstoppable by Sia.

Speaker 1: 1:19:19

What is the cringiest thing you did as a teenager?

Speaker 2: 1:19:26

God, the cringiest thing I remember. I'm not sure how old I was actually. However, I was cringing. There was something going on at school and there's something to do with dress up. Anyway, I obviously got it got lost in communication, so I actually turned up in like fancy dress and no one else was.

Speaker 1: 1:19:46

So yeah, I was definitely cringing, okay last question would you rather come face to face with a miniature hippopotamus or a giant cockroach, knowing that both are in a bad mood?

Speaker 2: 1:19:57

no, the hippo the hippo I'm not sure a cockroach would live if I found one in the house.

Speaker 1: 1:20:02

Everything else will live, but I'm not sure about the cockroach I would hope that a miniature hippo, even if it's in a bad mood, is still going to be cute and adorable yeah, that's there's the thing, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 1:20:13

it is cute, whereas the cockroach is there's just no there's nothing cute about a cockroach and that makes me think of men in black where they kill the, they stamp on the cockroach and then the whole family comes. So then I would be terrified if I kill it. It's family's coming. So what am I gonna do? I have to run from the cockroach.

Speaker 1: 1:20:35

Yeah, no, it's not working I would rather just take my chances to be able to run from the mini hippo yeah, me too nikki, this has been an absolute pleasure and thank you so much for joining me today, uh, for sharing your story and everything that you went through in your life with us and with the listeners well, thank you thank you it has.

Speaker 2: 1:20:56

It's been obviously some of it a little bit traumatic, but good, and I do, I just hope it it does. It helps someone that's out there, and even you know me getting emotional that, just like you know what it's okay, it's fine, we can get emotional, it's not a problem, that's right, we're all human.

Speaker 1: 1:21:14

We have emotions, we're allowed there's no reason to run from them. Yep, and one more time in closing anybody who may want to reach out to Nikki again. Her website is tomorrowsulifecoachingcouk.

Speaker 2: 1:21:29

Yeah, and the same name for Facebook. Yeah, without the couk. So yeah, if you look for Tomorrow's, you Life Coaching on Facebook.

Speaker 1: 1:21:38

I'm there, I'm looking at your Facebook account right now and it is just one word, one name Tomorrow's you Life Coaching, and I hope that somebody does reach out to you, because I know that you can absolutely help somebody who's going through things that they're just not sure how they're going to get through.

Speaker 2: 1:21:52

Wow. Thank you Equally for yourself.

Speaker 1: 1:21:55

That's why you're here doing it 100% and again, I'm honored to have been able to have this conversation and that you were willing to share all this with me. It really means a great deal.

Speaker 2: 1:22:05

You're very welcome. I'm glad to have shared it.

Speaker 1: 1:22:12

Well, if that story didn't get you, then I don't know what will. I honestly love the resilience of the human spirit and how Nikki was able to keep bouncing back, except that she didn't have control over what happened. But unfortunately, bad things do happen to good people, and she decided to take the best possible route, through grief, and use her energy toward improving her own life and helping others. If you're interested in speaking with or working with Nikki, you can go to her website, which is tomorrowsulifecoachingcouk. You can also find her at that same username at Tomorrow's you Life Coaching on Facebook and Instagram, and the links will be included in the episode notes. If you enjoyed this episode, then please get onto Apple Podcast. Give us five stars, leave a short message and tell me what you liked. Tell me how Nikki has inspired you, after being able to push past so much grief and loss, to help others overcome theirs. Tell your friends, tell everyone you know about this podcast, because together we are changing lives, and I want everyone along for this ride.

Speaker 1: 1:23:07

If you have a story you'd like to share, if you'd like to be considered as being a guest on a future episode, then get ready to submit your stories, because the website, which is wwwourdeaddadscom, will be up and running very soon and you'll have the chance to send us your story.

Speaker 1: 1:23:21

Remember, there are no rules to navigating grief and there's no timeline for doing it either. Everyone needs to go at their own pace, but the most important part is taking that first step. Whether you want to contribute your own story or you just want to listen to others tell theirs, know that you are in the right place, and you also need to know that nobody is alone in grief and should ever feel like they don't have someone who will talk to them or listen to them. You always have both right here. Thank you for listening and join me next week when I talk to Kevin Crater, host of his own podcast called the Kevin Crater Show. Kevin will also be my first guest, whose podcast I have also appeared on. Kevin will share his story about what he went through after experiencing the loss of three people close to him, how he got through it and what he's doing to help others. Now. This is Our Dead Dads, where we are changing the world one damaged soul at a time. See you next time.

Our Dead Dads

006 - Turning Pain into Purpose - Nicki Critchett

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