How to Allow Your Kids to Build Resilience by Failing

Have you ever wondered if shielding your children from failure might be doing more harm than good? Join me, Carrie, on Heart to Heart Parents as I explore the powerful benefits of letting kids experience failure and grow from their mistakes. Drawing from my personal journey with two highly sensitive, gifted, and spirited children, I'll share how my husband and I navigated the pitfalls of helicopter parenting and embraced a balanced approach. By asking ourselves, "What's the worst that could happen?" we've found strategies to support our children's resilience and emotional growth.

Discover the significance of validating your child's emotions and supporting them through emotional regulation. Reflecting on my own childhood wounds, I reveal how addressing these past hurts can pave the way for healing and better parenting. From trampoline breaks to creative outlets like Legos, we'll explore practical tools to help children feel safe and ready to learn. This episode is packed with ideas and strategies that foster a culture of continuous learning and emotional well-being, inviting you to share and grow alongside our community of parents.

And what's the secret to teaching kids to lose gracefully? I'll recount a heartwarming story about my son learning this valuable lesson through a soccer game loss. We'll talk about finding the balance between allowing kids autonomy and knowing when to step in, all while combating our own people-pleasing tendencies. Celebrating the unique gifts of sensitivity, we'll also delve into how these traits can enrich our lives, despite societal pressures. Connect heart to heart with your children and join our supportive parenting community. Don't forget to follow Heart to Heart Parents podcast on Instagram for daily tips and insights!

You can read more about this from our blog post here:
https://hearttoheartlife.com/2024/08/22/episode-2/

New! Conscious Family Travels Channel on YouTube with Carrie:
https://www.youtube.com/@consciousfamilytravels

Connect with Carrie:
*Website: https://hearttoheartlife.com/
*Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespiritualparent
*YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSpiritualParent
*Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/The-Spiritual-Parent/61554482625081
*Email: info@hearttoheartlife.com

**Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is educational in nature and does not constitute licensed mental health advice. If you need such advice, you should speak with a licensed professional about your unique situation. Thanks so much happy listeners.

© 2024-2025 Heart to Heart Life LLC

Transcript

Speaker Names: Carrie Lingenfelter

When we allow our children to fail, then we're giving them more opportunities to learn. So one of the reasons that I'm working on growing this piece for myself is because I want to allow my children to fail. I want to allow them to experience the world fully. I don't want to hinder or shelter their experiences, but I do want to provide the opportunities to use the tools that we are giving them so that way, they can learn how to function in their environment. Welcome to Heart to Heart Parents. Let's connect with our kids and learn together. I'm Carrie. I was a former teacher and speech therapist. I'm also a parent of two spirited, gifted, highly sensitive kids. I was quickly brought to my knees as a parent when I thought that I would see a rosy lens version of parenting just as they present on Instagram, but I quickly learned that's not real life. I will provide real life experiences and transform them into moments for connections and change for you to use in your house, with tips that worked for our family and how to implement them in your family. Connect to heart to heart with your child, with your partners and other parents, as we learn that we are not alone, we have a community and, although maybe we feel different from other families. There are many of us out there and we are creating the next era of deep thinkers and change makers. Come along with me on this journey with Heart to Heart Parents. Hi and welcome back to Heart to Heart Parents. I'm Carrie and I'm here with some introspective ideas of looking at our own hearts as we are parenting our kids. So this week we're going to kind of dive into what makes us tick as a parent, maybe looking at some possible things that we can look at from our own childhoods and things that maybe we need to work through or grow from when we're parenting our kids. So I'm going to describe some perspectives that happened for me and maybe you can see if that brings up ideas of things that happened to you, for yourself or for your kiddos, or how you parent your kiddos. So one thing that I have started to do without totally noticing in my past is how I did not always want to allow my children to experience the world as it truly is. Having two highly sensitive, gifted, spirited kids, I sometimes would have to deal with their meltdowns when they were overstimulated or over-experiencing the world per se. So I would want to try to control their environment I would try to make choices about. Is this a really big choice? Well, maybe I can just give in this time because I don't want to deal with a fit or I don't want to deal with a meltdown right now I don't have time for it but I'm learning that I need to allow my children to experience the world, I need to allow them to grow, and I cannot protect them from everything. I cannot be that term helicopter parent, or? 

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03:11
I was reading a book the other day I think it was Love and Logic, and it was talking about the over helicopter parent, which is like the new era of the helicopter parent. And to describe a helicopter parent, it's somebody that is zooming around their child, helicoptering and trying to put any obstacles, moving them out of the way, moving them out from aside from your child, stepping on an obstacle. They're trying to sometimes blame other people for things that may have affected their child. Maybe the other people were trying to engage with their child and they're learning too, but the parent always blames those other people like you hurt my child and it is your fault. Maybe it could have been partly your child's fault and partly the other person's fault. It could have been a combination. They're kids and they're learning how to interact together. So that is a brief description of the helicopter parent and the Mondo helicopter parent, which is the new era of this, has gotten even worse because, let's look at society there's more pressure for going to college, there's more pressure for getting a good job, and we've lived through pandemics. 

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04:23
I've lived through some natural disasters in my area, so there's a little bit more fear as a parent and there's a little bit more pressure to help your child succeed. So I can see how you can end up in that zone. But we just want to be very mindful when we're connecting with our children, following our hearts, following their hearts and helping them to experience their world, so that they can experience their world as an adult and they can have all the tools that you've given them as an adult when they're at that point. So let's go back to controlling their environment, one piece that I always tried to do control everything and make the perfect environment. I used to joke with my husband that when we would want to go out on some outing like, say, go skiing or go on a family little trip to the mountains, I would have to have the sun in the right place the moon and the stars, all in the right coherence, the right temperature, no wind. Let's have the sun just barely setting, because it's just noon, exactly as when we leave the house. I'm just joking, but we used to have to say try to control these pieces for our kids because we found that they had these little meltdowns. 

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05:39
Now we're learning stop and think what is the worst that could happen. What if they have a fit? We can ride that roller coaster of emotions with them. We can kind of take breaks. Sometimes my husband and I tag team out during those fits of emotions. If I'm feeling like this is becoming overwhelming either, it's making me sad, it's making me angry, I'm getting frustrated, my tolerance is kind of getting low because this fit is a really long one Then my husband and I their dad will tag team out and we'll take turns. We'll say I need a minute and we'll step out and let the other person engage and try to help our kiddo. So as we're preparing for any type of obstacle or new trip or new thing that's coming in our lives, we're now thinking what is the worst that can happen. If they throw a fit, they throw a fit. We've got some tools in our pockets to help them calm down. We've got each other to help support each other. 

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06:43
Maybe I'm not as fearful about controlling the environment when my husband is there and I'm able to take a break. When I'm on my own and somebody's throwing a fit, it's definitely harder because I'm in it right. There's nobody to tag team with, so maybe I'm less flexible about what could happen if I'm by myself. That's definitely a piece that I have to face for myself as well, and I'm aware of that, which is good. I'm not just totally turned off and ignoring it. I know that's a piece of my puzzle that I work on as well. So I look back at my own heart and things that happened in my own life. So part of that is looking at my own childhood. 

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07:20
I was raised in a very spirited household. I think I've talked about it previously. When I was really young it was a more active, vocal, very loud and vibrant household. I remember growing up with my grandmother when I was really little and there was a lot of energy in that household, in that household, versus when my mother met my now father and we moved to Idaho. I grew up in a different household, which was also very, very loving. It was just a quieter version. It was a different version. I guess we were all a little bit introverted in there and we were all building a household with new people, so it felt different. There was also a little bit more of a mandation or mandated quiet in that household, in that environment, and I was asked to be quieter as a kid. So, transitioning to that in my childhood, I am realizing, hey, people in that house were also sensitive and they did not want a loud and chaotic environment. 

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08:28
I am still a people pleaser, which I am a recovering people pleaser is more accurate because I definitely am like to break those barriers down, work on those pieces of myself. It's an ongoing process but as I look back I think, hmm, I'm a people pleaser and now as a mom, it is still instilled inside of me about chaos and ruckus being too much in a household and it feels unsettling, like is somebody going to get upset that there's so much chaos in my household? If my child is throwing a fit, sometimes it works on my nerves and I get upset. But I've also realized that some of the process of me wanting to control those fits and help my kids through those fits as quickly as possible is because I have that piece of me from my childhood of trying to control the chaos and trying to think, keep things calmer and quieter in our house. So if you were like me, maybe you grew up in a setting like mine. Maybe there's pieces of your personal history that help you, or maybe it helps you, maybe it challenges you, maybe you're parenting a certain way. There might be a reason that, for instance, for me, it looked like the house always needed to be a controlled, quiet and calm setting. So one of the ways that I am working through that for myself a therapy technique that a counselor had recommended to me a long time ago and I realized, hey, that really helps, it settles, it's great. So I'm going to try that. 

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10:01
I picture myself as a little child in that moment of being told to quiet down. I remember a specific time or it might have been a couple of times when I came up to a person in my house one of my parents and I was so excited Like I had the best story, oh my gosh. And I just like my kids being passionate. I say passionate and spirited. I was also a very passionate and spirited child when I was little and I came up jumping and bouncing and vibrating, like I got to tell you this story. It's so exciting and I remember people saying I'm right here, you don't have to yell, calm yourself down. So I look at that little version of myself and I visualize my grown-up self, my perfect. I visualize a perfect version of myself now as a mature adult, a mom who understands, like I see you, and this mom goes to the child version of me in that moment and says I am sorry that you went through this. You are special, you are whole and it is okay to feel let down right now. It's okay to feel sad that you're not allowed to be this spirited version of yourself. It's okay and I'm here for you and I love you Allowing yourself to have that moment and validating those feelings that I had as a child. It really helped me. So I challenge you, or I support you in trying to think of something that maybe happened in your childhood that you can work on. 

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11:38
Like I always tell my kids, life is about learning. We're never out of human adult school. It's part of life. I mean, there are people that probably stop learning, but that's not me, that's not my husband, that's not my grandmother, who I loved and was a mentor for me for years. She was passionate about learning. That's what kept her going when she was 92 years old and she would talk about the latest politics. She would talk about what she's reading in the news. It was great, it was amazing and that's what kept her mind going was always learning. So I tell my kids I love that you have this passion for learning, because it will always help you. It's great, it's wonderful to continue to grow. 

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12:21
When we allow our children to fail, then we're giving them more opportunities. One of the reasons that I'm working on growing this piece for myself is because I want to allow my children to fail. I want to allow them to experience the world fully. I don't want to hinder or shelter their experiences, but I do want to provide the opportunities to use the tools that we are giving them so that way they can learn how to function in their environment. A lot of those tools for my husband and I look like sensory pieces. Even if your kid doesn't have a specific label, I feel like all kids can use these sensory movement breaks. That's why we're establishing these movement breaks, these yoga pieces, in our everyday traditional classrooms. We're learning how much it benefits their systems. We can't learn unless we feel safe, unless we feel happy and supported as children. 

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13:24
So some of the sensory things that we love to do with our kids, we're learning to judge in the moment of their fits. Does this fit look like it needs a sensory break? Does this fit look like, oh, they're over the top of needing a sensory break and they just need to sit? I'm still here, I still hear them, I'm with them. They know that I'm here. I did not leave them alone and I tell them when you feel ready, I'm here for you. I'm not leaving, but I'm giving you a minute of space because I can tell your body needs that space. The other version when they're in more of a yellow zone, they're not in that red, red top top of the hill. You know the head flips around and they are not in a good place. When they're in that kind of quirky maybe angry, maybe sassy, those yellow zones, maybe angry, maybe sassy, those yellow zones that's when we can introduce more of the sensory pieces. A lot of OTs have helped me to learn, and counselors too. 

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14:21
We learn a lot of those support systems such as maybe your kiddo likes to write, maybe your kiddo likes to do Legos or build or do something with their hands and movement. Maybe your kiddo needs gross motor movement that looks like a trampoline dance party, even just jumping on the trampoline, or a hopper ball time. My kids love the hopper ball. It's that ball that looks like a yoga ball with a handle and they sit and they jump up and down on it. Sometimes I turn on some music. I try to judge Do we need zen music this time? Do we need some loud, boisterous music to just like get out those emotions? 

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14:59
One that really works well with my five-year-old is a pillow fight. We already know in our house we have a rule we don't hit in the face, we don't hit super hard, it's just gentle pillow fights which help to regulate their system. So we do the pillow fights. We also kind of like allow them to fall on the bed, gently and gentle, you know, to get that compression on their body that helps them to reset their system. I'm going into some of these because you may already have these Sorry if you already have them in your pocket, but I feel like oversharing is awesome because you guys might have ideas that I haven't thought of as well, which I would love some ideas. If you ever have ideas, I can share my email in the notes and you guys can send me ideas too, because knowledge is power, man and woman. Also. Another thing when we are getting that pressure in the bottom of our feet, it helps them to reset their body. So that's why we say trampolines. The hopper ball helps. There was one other one I was thinking of. 

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15:58
Oh, when they're laying on their back and you throw a pillow and they kick the pillow up towards you again, they love to do that. My children actually ask for that at the end of the day when we do our five minutes of special playtime so my husband has my son, I have my daughter and then we swap and we each get one kiddo for five minutes they always love to ask for the kicking pillow one, which is so hilarious. I don't know why that always comes up, but they love it and they're giggling. They're so happy. Tug-of-war is another one. Sometimes when we're doing the pillow fights, we start with a pillow fight. We turn it into a tug of war over the pillow. That heavy lifting and pulling can help to ground the body and reset. So those are kind of a tangent of ideas of how we can reset the system if we do have a fit, and also when they're calm again. 

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16:49
We talk through those emotions we talk through. Is there a fear that is causing this? Maybe you don't want to take a bath because why? Let's work through it. What are you afraid of? What's going to happen? Are you afraid of the water getting in your eyes? Are you afraid of not getting to do your special quiet time? Maybe you get a little bit of TV time after your bath and if you take your bath maybe you're worried you'll miss out on that time before dinner. 

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17:15
So there are pieces that we like to reflect on and work through together. We definitely don't do that when they're in the red zone because, as we talked about that reptilian brain it comes from the whole brain child book that I love, dan Siegel that reptilian brain, when they are in that zone or sometimes I call it monkey mind for the yellow zone, but I feel like the red zone is really the reptilian brain they are not in that moment able to use words kindly, they're not able to adjust their patterns of talking about what's going on. So let's not worry about that until they're calm and they're back in their green zone. That's when we can reflect. One other piece of the reflection is that we don't want to make them feel bad about what happened. 

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18:04
My kids are people pleasers, not surprised, because that tends to happen in my family. I know a lot of family members, including myself, that are people pleasers, and so my kids, when we discuss, hmm, that was a big fit, I'm so sorry that happened, are you feeling? Okay? I don't want to be saying you said some really mean things. It really hurt my heart. I can't believe you said that you are a bad kid. Something like that is going to really hurt their hearts. They are feeling out of control. I think of it for my kids as I started to think of it, as almost like a little nervous breakdown moment or a little anxiety attack in that moment. I'm not labeling it as that, but I'm saying that's how I think about it for them in their child version is they are out of control, they are not able to control. It's not a behavioral issue for them, it's a I cannot control this because everything is so intense in my world right now. So that's a big piece of the puzzle that I went on a big tangent. I'm sorry about that tangent, but I hope it's helpful to you. 

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19:13
So I wanted to go back to when we are helping to choose to guide our children and how to understand their world, when we are not trying to protect them from the entire environment. We're trying to choose our moments on. When we set up the perfect world. Oh, actually, let me go back. So when we set up a perfect world, do you think that they are able to be challenged? Do you think they're going to? If we set up a perfect world now, as a child, they're not going to be able to understand. How do I work through this when I'm 22? When somebody offers me something I shouldn't be doing? How am I going to work through this? When this exam I didn't get the grade that I thought I was going to get on it, how is that going to work out? So it's these moments in their childhood that they is making them a better human when they're an adult and giving them the tools of how to work through it. 

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20:08
There was actually a soccer game once where somebody didn't win, but people were saying that they did win and my husband and I decided in that moment that we were. We were going to tell my son that they did in fact, lose and to us it felt like nope, he needs to know. He needs to know that he lost this time and it is important. That's a huge life lesson is learning how to lose. Because, let me tell you, sports is not my jam. Skiing, I love downhill skiing, that was my jam, I loved it, but I didn't always win and it was okay. Did I stop skiing? No, I love skiing. It makes me feel so at peace. So it's important to learn how to lose. It's important to learn those life lessons now, and if we protect them, then they are not gonna have that guidance, that inner guidance that we are helping them to create and we are helping to build that foundation. 

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21:05
Now, one example of a scenario of where I intervene and where I try to help them make a good choice is when my son loves to wear t-shirts and shorts when it's 45 to 50 degrees outside. So it was happening every day. I think it was first grade, he was seven and he it still happens now. So that's why I'm kind of laughing to myself. He thought well, I get really hot during the day when that sun is out, Cause we live at high altitude and we have a lot of sun. I don't want to be wearing pants, mom and it was this huge fight for a long time I would make him wear pants, but I would let him wear a t-shirt and then he'd have his sweatshirt or his jacket. So what we decided was is this really worth this battle? Every single morning we're almost late to school because we are battling with this every single morning. It was like this control piece. So then I finally said you know what you get to make the choice. I'm going to give you an idea If it's snowing out, I really think you should wear pants. And if he wanted to wear shorts, usually he would always wear pants on days that it was snowing. But let's say it's 45 degrees out and I tell him you know, pants might work best, but I'm going to let you make the choice and then I put his pants in his backpack. 

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22:22
One place where I do not, where I really intervene, is, say, he's been sick and he's recovering from an illness, but he doesn't have a fever and he's ready to go back to school and he wants to wear shorts and a t-shirt, and it's 45 degrees out. That's a spot where we will discuss it and where I have to kind of put my foot down like, and I explain it to him so, buddy, you're getting over this cold. It's really important that your feet and your legs and your head all stay warm right now. So I really need you to try to. We're going to wear the pants today. We can put shorts in in case you get really hot. I also really need you to think about wearing this hat today. So those are just part of the times of when I would choose to intervene. 

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23:03
One piece of that puzzle that was really hard for me as I started to go into that was when my people pleaser side kicked in. When I would walk to school with my son, he would be in his shorts and his t-shirt and no fail. Every single time I swear it was like every single time I'm like I don't know people pop out of the corners. You know you're walking in and just bam, here's somebody like well, look at your boy, he's just so brave in this cold weather he's wearing he's not, he's wearing shorts and a T-shirt. Look at him, he's just so warm. So no fail. 

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23:38
Every time I would talk myself up for it like this is going to be good. I'm going to be strong and powerful. I am a strong, powerful mom and I am a powerful woman. And hear me, roar, I would have to like self-talk myself up because as soon as I would go, somebody would say it to it. And then in my mind I'm hearing this oh my God, am I a bad mom? Is somebody going to like? Am I going to get in trouble? Like is the city, the state, is somebody going to come tell me, like your children, your child needs to be wearing pants? This is not okay. So I would have all of these people pleaser tendencies that would erupt. And that was something I had to work through as a people pleaser former people pleaser, by the way, because I have since worked through that for sure. 

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24:19
So as I'm looking in my mind, I am weighing it, I'm weighing these decisions. Do I let him go to school with these shorts? Are we able to go to the library today? The kids, you know they've been a little bit grumpy. It's Friday afternoon. They've had a big week. They had all these extracurriculars woodworking, taekwondo, they had all these special classes. Do we have the energy to go to the library? So I like to weigh these things in my mind and I think in my mind. Is this one one that I should argue on? Is this one that I'm okay with, and do I have the energy to handle a situation, should a situation arise? Should somebody be grumpy at the library, doesn't want to leave the library and has a big moment in front of public people and people pleaser Carrie might get a little bit frustrated, maybe gets really embarrassed, maybe starts to get short with the kids because I'm in a people pleasing situation. Those are all things that I weigh when I'm making these decisions. 

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25:31
When I can calm my adult monkey mind that tends to overthink all of these decisions so it tends to think. It tends to look at like would I be okay with them throwing a fit? Would this happen? As I calm myself down, then I can really make a decision from my heart. Also, I can decide is this a real decision or is this a trivial decision that really doesn't make sense? I can prioritize the real piece of the puzzle there when I'm able to focus and think with my heart. 

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25:54
If I'm getting in my mind and I'm thinking, oh my goodness, this is going to happen, oh my goodness, what if it ramps up? What if their teacher is there and they see them being so naughty. Oh, then they'll think they're a naughty student and they won't like them, oh my goodness. So you can definitely go down the mountain in your mind. So it is always so important that we ground ourselves, we figure out is this fear-based? Is this a people-pleasing tendency? Is this a childhood piece that's coming up again for myself? Look at, what is it that's causing your monkey mind to go down that ramp and causing it to snowball? Let's try to calm those pieces for ourselves so that way we can think hmm, this is not really a real decision. This is like a trivial decision that I could make in two minutes and two minutes done. 

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26:46
Decision is made, let's pack the bags and go to the library Not really a big deal. And guess what? I have enough energy today. If they throw a fit, I can sit with them. I can smile at all the people looking at me. I'm like, oh yeah, fridays, man, fridays. I have a thick skin today and I'm able to handle this. Thank you so much for tuning in this week. 

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27:09
I hope that you can give it a try. I hope that you can look into yourself, give yourself a little love, give yourself a little support, because oftentimes, when we are parents of highly sensitive kids. We are also highly sensitive parents ourselves. I feel like the apples don't fall super far from the tree. I know there are sometimes kids that the parent maybe one of the parent is not highly sensitive, so they're looking at the kiddo going. I don't really understand how you tick. I don't really. I didn't have this as a childhood or I didn't have this when I was a child. That makes sense. That would be hard. It's definitely a different piece of the puzzle. 

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27:48
Highly Sensitive Person was a great book for me to kind of come to terms with all these things that I had going on when I was a child. I was told when I was a kid a lot, you're really sensitive. Stop being so sensitive. Work through it. Your emotions are changing all the time. I heard some of those things when I was a kid from different people and now that I read the highly sensitive book I'm like, oh my gosh, I feel seen. I am not the only person. This is so powerful and empowering because look at me, I'm not alone. There are other people like this and guess what? There wasn't anything wrong with me. It was okay to be like this. 

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28:30
When we talk about highly sensitive people. One last tangent before we go. When we talk about highly sensitive people, we talk about being sensitive in our house a lot and we make it empowering. We talk about the positive pieces. You can have a really, really cozy, soft blanket and guess what? That really helps you to calm your system down. You get to experience the world like nobody else or other highly sensitive people. You get to take in beautiful music and understand the message that you feel from that music. You get to take in beautiful music and understand the message that you feel from that music. You get to experience amazing food and have these extra sensitive special taste buds popping out and loving it. You get to have all of these wonderful gifts that come with being a highly sensitive person. 

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29:21
So I always want to have that caveat in there. Being a highly sensitive person gives us so many gifts and society does not train us to focus on those gifts. They make us feel bad about them sometimes. So I always want to empower our kids and how special and wonderful we are, also that we're not alone. There are a lot of us out there and I feel like more and more of us are coming. So that's why I started this Heart to Heart Parents was. I wanted to connect so that way we know there's tools out there for us, there's a lot of us out there, and let's not feel sad about these gifts we're giving. Let's empower ourselves and empower our children for the world that is around us. Thank you so much. Don't forget to connect with your children heart to heart each week. If there's a parent that you think this could resonate with, please be sure to share it with them so we can all benefit from each other. Follow Heart to Heart Parents Podcast on Instagram for daily fun ideas and tips. Happy week. 

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