Embracing Presence and Nurturing Emotionally Intelligent Children with J.D. Murgolo

As a parent, have you ever caught yourself swooping in to finish your child's sentence or hastily completing their half-tied shoelaces? Our conversation with J.D., a father and mental health advocate, takes us on a journey through the nuanced world of parenting, where the push and pull of giving our kids space to stumble and soar takes center stage. J.D. brings to the table his compelling experiences, highlighting the empowering role of open communication and the magic of storytelling in strengthening family bonds. We navigate the intersection of our personal passions and professional lives, revealing how J.D. intertwines his commitment to mental well-being with his work in podcast production and life coaching.

Imagine a home free from the incessant pings and buzzes of digital devices, a place where the connection between parent and child flows uninterrupted. This dream may feel far-fetched in our tech-saturated reality, but our discussion underscores the profound impact of genuine, device-free interaction with our children. From the attentive environment of a Montessori classroom to the common ground shared by toddlers and teens alike, we underline the irreplaceable value of being truly present. The memories we create, the safety we instill, all trace back to those moments when we choose to engage wholeheartedly with our little ones, setting down our phones to make space for their growing minds.

In the tenderness of raising a sensitive child lies the potential to shape a world brimming with empathy and emotional intelligence. As I share my own experiences, we celebrate these unique children and delve into the transformative power of Montessori principles and mindfulness practices in our homes. Together, we explore the everyday challenges that come with guiding our kids towards independence and respect, affirming the importance of creating a nurturing environment for their emotional health. Through these candid conversations, we aim to inspire parents to embrace the beauty and complexity of the emotional development journey, leaving a legacy of conscious, compassionate generations to come.

To find J.D., you can visit his website at http://fragilemoments.org/ or on Instagram at @the.montessori.dad 

Find Carrie Lingenfelter at https://linktr.ee/hearttoheartparentspodcast
You can email Carrie at: info@hearttoheartlife.com

Transcript

JD: 0:06

All kids want. We're so in our own heads that it's like well, let me do it for you, it'll get faster. Yeah, they'll probably get their shoes and socks and shirt and jackets out a lot faster with you, but what are you doing to create the space that they don't have time for that?

JD: 0:23

It's very rare now that it's like and then you know the thing that you get frustrated with, like you know that they're taking so much time either all of a sudden, like if they're gonna be able to do it that much faster, or they'll realize themselves that it's like, okay, well, I can't do this quite as efficiently yet, Maybe I do need somebody's help. And that's an even better thing in the end, really, that they realize that they need help with certain things.

Carrie: 0:50

Welcome to Heart to Heart Parents. Let's connect with our kids and learn together. I'm Carrie. I was a former teacher and speech therapist. I'm also a parent of two spirited, gifted, highly sensitive kids. I was quickly brought to my knees as a parent when I thought that I would see a rosy lens version of parenting, just as they present on Instagram, but I quickly learned that's not real life. I will provide real life experiences and transform them into moments for connections and change for you to use in your house and change for you to use in your house. Hi and welcome back to Heart to Heart. I'm Keri and I'm here with JD and he has been so generous to participate in a podcast with me and he is a dad, which is really fun. I think you're the first dad that I've connected with on here. It's mainly been moms or spiritual sides of pieces, but I haven't connected with a dad yet.

Carrie: 1:52

So, jd, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

JD: 1:55

Get ready. No pressure at all. Jd, goodness gracious. Well, thank you for having me, regardless of if I'm a dad or not.

Carrie: 2:02

No, it's awesome. I'm so excited to have a dad on here.

JD: 2:05

It's really cool A little bit about myself. What do I do? Goodness, a lot, I guess. I was on a show recently and they, they read it all for me. I'm like, wow, that sounds like so much, but it's not in the end in the end, cause what I do is is and it's taken me a while to get to it uh, to put it all under one umbrella, because it's it can be challenging, for I think people that really want to connect with you to go well, hold on, you wanted me to click here, but that had nothing to do with where I found you and what interests me about you. Where do I find that? And so it's like you know, I'm always conscious of that and what I do. It only makes my brain work easier for life. So where this journey began?

JD: 2:49

Even before being a dad, I'm very much a mental health advocate. I've always been in touch with my emotions and I think that might be my one and only superpower, for better or for worse for people, I think. For better, for worse for people, I think. But I own yeah, I own a mental health ecosystem, as I call it, called fragile moments and it's really a nice, snazzy, comfortable word for a community.

JD: 3:15

really, you know people that just need to share, just need somebody to listen to, which branches into the me side of it being the life coach. But before all that, because I'm not the person that wanted to be the fixer even though that's how we are as human beings we want to do that I just wanted to create something where people felt like they had a space, you know, where they could talk, where they could share, where they could just be heard without having to, you know, jump through hoops, whether, that's, you know, medical hoops, insurance hoops can't afford it hoops, whatever that is when it comes to mental health.

JD: 3:52

So that's where it all started. But, as you can probably tell already, I like to talk and I'm a huge fan of people's stories, cause I think that's where we connect the most. We just forget how important each little part, um, each little moment is. It is connecting to other people. Yeah, so on top of all that, I have a podcast production company where I host three podcasts all geared around the same thing um, of storytelling, um, whether that's just storytelling as a natural, natural thing, whatever people felt like they need to share, from the traumatic to the dramatic. And in between I tell which is how you found me stories of being a dad. And then I also talked to musicians as well about their story of mental health.

JD: 4:42

But it sounds like a lot in the wow. It doesn't feel like it to me because I get to say the same thing, kind of in the same way, all the time. You know like we were talking before we started. You know how frustrating it could be to have to feel like you've got all these things that you're doing and so I don't. I don't necessarily feel that anymore with all that I do. It wasn't the beginning, as I was trying to narrow this all down and what I truly enjoy. Yeah, now it doesn't seem like it's so much. I mean, it's a lot of work, but it's it's still work that I enjoy rather than like okay, well, I got to put this hat on to say this on you know this platform or it's just you know? It's kind of just who I, who I am on a day-to-day basis in business form, I guess.

Carrie: 5:30

Oh yeah, I think we use that in an adult form, in parent form. It's like if it's, if it's not settling right, if it doesn't fit right or feel good, then try something new.

JD: 5:41

Try something new.

JD: 5:42

Yeah, and I don't know if that's like because I'm, you know, 43 and like I've gone through life a little bit.

JD: 5:47

I don't, I don't know where exactly that comes from. I mean, I don't want to call myself old, but I feel like, you know, it's like that mindset is kind of helping me, at least for my mental state of mind, versus, you know, like constantly looking at, well, how can I be successful and make money with this, and it's like okay, okay, cause then you start getting wrapped up in like, well, they told me how to do this this way and maybe I should do it this way, and this filter and has this touch that's like ah, hold on, um, so I I don't know if it would ask me about a couple of years if it really did work out for me, but right now I all those things up in the air feel less like I'm, like you know, juggling glass balls at this point, because I'm kind of I don't want to say like doing it my own way, cause that just sounds like I'm like, you know, forget what you said. I'm doing this.

JD: 6:37

My, it's not really that, it's just I've got a more relaxed approach, I guess because I came from a time period where it didn't matter where you posted or what you posted, it was like, just have fun. Didn't matter where you posted or what you posted, it was like just have fun.

JD: 6:48

So that's where my head comes with all the all the work that I do and hopefully that comes out when people hear it, or see it.

Carrie: 6:51

Yeah, I think it definitely does. I've listened to your podcast and I can hear your passion about parenting and spreading, spreading the good vibes about parenting, and it definitely resonates with me. I myself had had to look at fine tuning the pieces that settle right and resonate and narrow my focus into what's important in our lives. I love that you have the Fragile Moments brand and that piece. I've really struggled with trying to find the right providers that don't take insurance.

Carrie: 7:27

Do you take insurance? I've, I mean, I think insurance knows my name by heart and I worked with them so much to get out of network providers in network. So that's like a huge piece of my heart right there is trying to get the right, the right piece of the puzzle for my kids.

JD: 7:44

And you know, I mean a lot of times it's you know, we've gotten to the point that we are aware, like you know, we have like all these awareness months for you, you name it. I think we are aware it's just there's so many things that are, you know, either, like I said, preventing, like complete roadblock, and then so people just stop and they quit and they don't want to do anything, or they feel like they can't get anywhere and I mean I do that on a daily basis with you name it whatever's aching in that morning or doesn't feel right mentally, you know whatever it is, and I have access to a lot of things and so, like that, that's where my mind went with. It was just again, I don't want to be the fixer, I'd rather be the bridge to get somebody to find the one that can truly be of support.

JD: 8:29

Um, you know, I don't, at the end of the day, I don't want to be like, well, that guy is my savior, like I don't need that. Um, maybe younger, maybe younger me needed it, but at this point it's just, we've become such a I don't want to say a mess, but we've become become so confused as to what to do next, especially when it comes to mental health. You know, or at least not even what to do next, but I get to that step we could see it and it's like fuzzy, you know. It's like, you know, off in the distance almost, and it's like, well, so we just fix it with, like you know, a quick my favorite lately is the ads for, and I'm sure there's a version of it.

JD: 9:05

But for him's, the men's, I think, they started as like like an ED support and like went into like hair, like hair loss eventually, and now you can get prescription, like for anxiety and depression. All of it is like online, you know there's a doctor involved like that you can talk to, but not like a you know a therapy session, but it's like a quick like pill. I think there's a like a for hers too. Same things and I'm like oh, hold on.

JD: 9:31

Like everything about that is great, like people need that access, but that's that sums up to me, like exactly where we are with everything. It's like forget the work, just call this or just pick up that app and then you're good and you might be, but then, like you know, I do the same thing. I mean we could talk about that same thing with parenting. We're so, yes, interested in like, just like, fix it now that we forget that there's lots of pieces along the way so hopefully can give back or provide for people when they find my work.

Carrie: 10:04

Yeah, I think when our emotions are bubbling up, that's when we often search for that. Fix it. What are we missing? What can we do? Let's just fix it.

JD: 10:14

I've taught in a private school, so I was fortunate to probably get what should have been the better of the bunch as far as having parents at home and opportunities. But so many kids, I mean, we just come sit next to my desk and I'd look over and they're like, you know, it's not my turn to be. So I was like give you a quick synopsis of what a Montessori middle school looked like. It was four of us at some points in the classroom, adult wise, how many? How many kids for that year? So anywhere between three and four. So we taught different, you know year. So anywhere between three and four. So we taught different, you know pieces, or were in charge of different things.

JD: 10:48

And so, as a head teacher, you know, I certainly had my responsibilities, but my job as well was, you know, to observe more than anything. And I had, you know, desks, you know, on the side of me and usually just for like one-on-one conversations, for anything that was going on. But so many kids would just all of a sudden be sitting next to me and I'm, you know, grading something, doing something else In the meantime, look over and, like you know, ethan, what's your? I've done? Yeah, I just wanted to sit here. Okay, well, that's fine. Anything, you know, was anything going wrong? Like no, maybe, you know, a couple minutes would go by and then they'd get up, or sometimes it was. It was something, you know, like I just had a, you know, a tough day, and it's never like elaborate, but like like what? And this is a well before a parent, but it's like, well, what is going on at home? Like how do you, how are you missing that?

JD: 11:36

And so now, as a parent myself and I mean, I basically have middle schoolers anyway, as a toddler, but it's the same thing. They just don't know how to say it entirely, or don't completely understand it. But you know, I see very quickly if I'm, you know, looking at my phone or even something as simple as like washing a dishes and our, you know, our kitchen looks over the playroom there and you know, my son is like dad, dad, look at this. I'm like I'm right here, like I can definitely see it.

JD: 12:03

It's not like, you know, but just the simple act of me going around, you know, the, the countertop and sitting with them. So it's like how many times is that happening in our world? Those, you know, those, as the years progress and then, as the farther they are, the ages that they get, they just were like okay, well, dad's not going to do this, mom's not going to do this, we could have done something about it back here by just paying attention or listening just a little bit more. So I love that. I was like no, I think that was great.

Carrie: 12:37

I was going to say connection you are. The words you are saying are resonating in my heart completely, because I am all about connecting heart to heart, giving your time, giving your, giving your full, like your full concentration in that moment not reading emails doing these things while you're brushing your teeth, you know, connecting with them, giving your eye contact.

JD: 12:59

How many times do you go out in public nowadays and you see people that are like in their holding the kid why don't you come out to dinner right now, like all four of you are on the phone right now, like because you just not have done that at home you know, like gosh, yeah, and I did that before kids, you know.

JD: 13:14

So it's like, as I look back now, I'm like man, like I can I find, can somebody just give me all those memories just real quick so I can like remember them now? Um, but yeah, I mean it's, it's just, and you know, my version of that now is the playground you know, like my, like my wife was. Like you know, it's a different breed when you have the second child, right I don't have, I don't have my phone out a lot anyway.

JD: 13:37

It's always on me, but with him. You know he's the only one I'm paying attention to, so it made it a little bit easier. But you know, if we were out doing something, it was just a. I got that picture at the got that moment and done. Now there's two of them and you know it's usually my wife and I, but she's, you know, she's younger, so I have a different level of focus that goes along with it. So I'm what I wasn't doing before having my phone out.

JD: 14:01

I'm really not doing now, so I miss a lot of pictures. But then I'm like you look around at like playgrounds and okay, like maybe they get to a certain age. You can playgrounds and okay, like maybe they get to a certain age, you can sit back and you know not be like nearby yeah, but goodness, like you know, like you're, you're on your phone and your kids, like right below you are climbing up something like how are you, why are you here?

Carrie: 14:23

why are you here? Why are you here? Yes, you could have set the nanny, yeah right, you probably have four of them.

JD: 14:30

Like it's just me you know Like what are you?

Carrie: 14:32

doing right Like yeah, so yeah, be present yeah.

JD: 14:37

It sounds so simple, but we miss it so often. It's just mind boggling to me that it's like or even if you do have the phone out and you're not like texting your friend and looking at the latest like sports score, you're filming every moment and it's like, oh yeah, like maybe you're on vacation, I don't know, and this is just like some random playground that you found, but this is a Disney world, like like they're climbing on a monkey bar. Be impressed that your three-year-old is dangling from a monkey bar. Don't film it, you know, don't miss it.

Carrie: 15:06

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, I love that. Do we really need to have 10,000 pictures a year? You know how do we even sort through those. What?

JD: 15:15

do we do with them? Do they just?

Carrie: 15:16

sit in the cloud somewhere they're building up storage space.

JD: 15:20

I can tell you, I just, I mean, I I struggle with, like deleting some of them. You know that are like in my Google photos right now, but it's like I also know that they were very intentional, like that was just the only video, the only picture that I have of that moment. So, nope, not going anywhere, but if I had 10 million, of them like I believe I'm deleting nine, you know nine million.

JD: 15:41

Like it's just, yeah, you have to just kind of give yourself, you know, a moment to reflect on it. Like what, yeah, yes, you do want to remember all of this and you may forget it just in your human brain, you know that being at capacity when you get to be older. But what did you? What did you like truly miss out on by having gained that memory? You know, 20 years from now, you know, like they may not remember it, he may have no clue that I was there at the playground with them, but I do, like I mean, I, you know, I get that gift for now. So I'm like, why am I gonna, why am I gonna waste it, you know?

Carrie: 16:18

but I, I heard the best quote the other day. I was watching it or listening to a podcast and they said the only person that's going to remember if you worked nights are your kids.

JD: 16:28

Oh yeah, I see that one often. Yeah, yeah, yeah I loved it.

Carrie: 16:31

I was like that's so true Right.

JD: 16:34

And that's hard, that's hard to like undo that. And my wife is that one you know for sure. You know cause she feels that. If you know she doesn't want to leave us like without anything. If you know, god forbid. Like you know, she passed away tomorrow.

Carrie: 16:46

Sure.

JD: 16:48

And that's hard to unwind, for sure um but it is. I mean, it's a beautiful thing. Every time I see it, I'm just I feel like there was like it was, it was like sent to me for like some specific reason in that moment, like what am I and I'm not the one, excuse me, I would never like be the one that like working late but I might be paying attention to an email at this moment. Sure that I could have done tomorrow? Or you know, doom scrolling what for every reason, just because yep.

JD: 17:13

I don't need to be present as much, you know, whatever that, but there's some version of it for all of us that goes nope, uh, gotta slow down here, gotta be right there, um, for now, because, yeah, they won't, you know they're not gonna care yeah, they're.

Carrie: 17:28

They're only gonna remember those moments and I love, I love the idea of slowing down Cause, yeah, definitely the things in our phone are put there for those dopamine hits of getting us to keep going. So it's. It's so wonderful when we do connect with them and for my kids, when I'm connecting with them, I'm finding that it's the biggest thing to reset their systems. It's the best grounding experience for them and it's what they're looking for.

JD: 17:56

Yeah, absolutely.

Carrie: 17:58

Yeah, so do you have sensitive kiddos in your house? What does it look like for you guys?

JD: 18:05

Yeah, well, I mean, we try and like in the beginning there that's definitely what we termed our son he's definitely it's a hard term, because then it's like it gets pigeonholed eventually, as we know. Just you know, as former teachers, you know that it's like oh, he's like always like an emotional mess and at the end of the day, he's not.

JD: 18:27

I mean, he's not a mess, but like that's what's going to happen. Like when you hear the word sensitive, it's like, oh well, walk on eggshells around you know that kid, because he's gonna cry when you do this and he's not like it's right. You know he's to me when I look at him like you know he's, he's, he's in tune with his emotions way more yeah than than a three-year-old, almost four-year-old should be, and he's always been.

JD: 18:50

He just doesn't obviously like have the you know the resources and the knowledge to understand it. But nine times out of 10, like he, he gets it right. You know, sometimes he'll tell you that his you know he's trying to like fall asleep, that his body feels sad because he needs to poop, and you're like, well, I don't know if that's necessarily how you would describe sad, your body is telling you something. You figured out that it's telling you something, yeah that's great.

JD: 19:20

You know, but I mean otherwise. So lately, our new kick, and I don't know where it came from, I'm assuming some natural interaction at school, which is going to happen. He's hooked on calling people bad guys. We don't have superhero conversations. We barely watch any TV, you know. So it wouldn't come from anything like that. I'm certainly not calling him a bad guy. My wife is not calling me a bad guy, so it's just one of those things, right, and so as a parent, it can be frustrating to hear Um, but he gets it, he gets it correct, like you know, as far as as, as understanding that there was an emotion involved.

JD: 19:58

You know, am I the bad guy because I helped him clean up a mess and he really wanted to do it by himself? No, I don't know if that's necessarily a bad guy, but he is correct in that I offended him Like I am, you know, I bothered him. Or, you know, sometimes, when it's like you know you're trying to get ready in the morning or at night and it's like you're struggling to, you know, get them to the next step with it that they want, you know they're enjoying, like, whatever your routines are, you know you might be like, listen, like you just, can you just stop for a second and like, instantly, he's like you're a bad guy. It's like, well, no, no, no, I'm not. Um, you know the more tired he gets, like you know I don't like you.

JD: 20:40

Like you know, I watch you like all these things come flinging out, but what you did was offended him like you had bothered him or you embarrassed him or whatever. So he's wrong in the extreme version of that, like my definition of a bad guy, but he, he's got his emotion, like he he just didn't know how to describe it entirely. Um, so he is definitely much, he's definitely in tune with his emotions. Um, you know, and I'm sure my daughter in some regards is like that.

JD: 21:09

Now it's just harder to see you know when she's technically one or, excuse me, about to be two, but you know, you know she's. She's your typical toddler. He was not everything that, like you, may or may not have read. He was the one that they should have put a parenthesis. They've been there like this. May not be your child.

JD: 21:30

So you didn't experience a lot of things that you know. You typically see, um, you know, in a toddler and she she is, and so the two of us. She's completely different than my wife and I for sure. Um, you know everything from the like she'll get upset and like she like knows how to throw her head back or she falls on the ground to the point that our son is like what, what just happened?

JD: 21:55

like I don't even, I don't even understand that reaction. So he tries it right, like eventually, like he yeah, and you're like no, no, no so she's got it there too.

JD: 22:02

She just like definitely doesn't know how to express it. But you know, I think to me, just knowing what I know about the world today, man, like the fact that they, we have those conversations, you know like we'll direct him like no, you're not a bad guy. Are you feeling sad right now? Are you feeling hungry right now? Whatever we've learned, and then in turn we've learned or at least me, I won't speak for my wife, but I'm sure she has. When he says that to me, I'm like oh gosh, like well, I used to get frustrated and be like no, I'm trying to reason, and I'm like wait a minute, you're an adult, you can't do that to him. But it's made me stop and go okay, hold on. Nope, I just took away your independence. That's why you said that Got it. So I've learned to change my behaviors, kind of reparenting myself with it, and so I don't know.

JD: 22:48

I think the ones that we I'm gonna just use that term that they're sensitive kids, the ones that like and they're in tune with their emotions, those are the people. Those are the people that we need now in the world. We just aren't aware of it, but those are the kids that are going to teach us so much and change so much in the world, because we won't have to have these conversations about you know, in his case, like a dad being you know in tune with his emotions.

Carrie: 23:16

He'll be like what like well, I cried yesterday.

JD: 23:17

I'm fine with it.

Carrie: 23:17

I feel better now, you know like he's gonna be that kid now, like, yes, you can call him sensitive all you want, you know, and in the.

JD: 23:21

You know the school system. I'll come home and be like well good, I'm glad you got upset, I'm glad you didn't punch somebody because you're upset, but I'm glad, glad you got angry.

Carrie: 23:28

You know like. Thank you for it.

JD: 23:30

I'm like we've always, but we've, we've always said those things to him whether he understood what we were talking about at night, you know, or not, like you know, like whatever she was. So, yeah, I don't know. I mean I think that's going to be like to everybody's benefit if we can learn to do that now. I mean, you see all these posts but it's like okay, well, take action with it. Like those, those are the things we should be paying attention to the, you know, the posts and the social media, like platforms that are sharing those ideas. Not the ones that are picking on toddlers for you know, pooping in a corner, like stay. You know, like I'd like or like you know something toddler ish that they do that because they don't know anything else. Like the ones that are having the conversations now about how to manage and teach your child through these emotions. That's the ones that'll be successful. Those are the kids that are going to go and change the world, for sure, because of that.

Carrie: 24:23

So yeah, I love calling them our change makers.

JD: 24:26

That's what.

Carrie: 24:27

I've turned it. I know I use the sensitive like I. I don't. I don't use like labels either.

JD: 24:33

It's all right, it's hard to be are like you just kind of get sucked into it, like that's what we called it. It's like but you know you want to be the one that like change that gives it a new word. No, I'm not that popular to be able to do it, but we're starting it JD, we're starting it change makers. They're coming. I like it. I like it.

Carrie: 24:51

I like it, yeah, yeah. I think our era is like one of the. I don't know, maybe it was my mom's era. It was like one of the first changemaker eras, and then our era is like another era of it, and I think this version of kids coming out today- is like an even louder version of it.

JD: 25:06

They will be, they absolutely will be. I mean, I mean, just because you know we're, we're in a we're, we're in the time of being aware of how important mental health is, whereas our parents I mean my mom, does it and she knows what I do every weekend Like I'm worried, that you felt like you know, you know, like you were sad, or you know I'm like mom, like I can feel that and still be okay. I understand that you're worried about it, but I'm also learning that you're never going to not worry Like I get it now all those years, like I get it, like you're never, that's never going to go away. But you can see it in those small interactions like they don't understand, like what that emotion truly is and how valuable it is. I mean we're getting there, but that's not a bad thing that there's a generational gap. It just means we have to be more patient. And yeah, you know you get to go backwards explaining it.

Carrie: 26:05

um, yeah, so yeah you share it with them and I think they are willing to learn my mom and dad. They they're really excited about it. They're okay that we're not following a traditional parenting approach for our house. And we're trying new things and different things.

Carrie: 26:21

I was not raised by a Montessori mom. Yeah, yeah, it's, it's really great when we can explain it to them and they're willing, willing to see that. So it's been, it's been really cool. Um, so you guys do a lot of explaining emotions and such. Do you do any mindfulness things at home with your kids?

JD: 26:44

Um, we've tried. Well, they do. So I mean there's, I mean I don't want to, like you know, give this, like you know, big pat on the back to Montessori, but that's the biggest thing that they get right. Amongst a lot of, like you know, educational philosophies, that kind of gets overlooked because it's not traditional but it's been here for over a hundred years. So something is working, but it's not, it's not magic, it's. It's just that you're having these conversations earlier than people are telling you you should. Um, so he's, I mean, I want to say like, probably from like two, even when he started school at like two.

JD: 27:22

You know you could pick up on things that he would say. I don't have a great example off the top of my head, but he would. You knew that they were talking about something about happy or sad, or you know something like he heard the word, knew that they were talking about something about happy or sad, or you know something, like he heard the word right now. What were you doing the other day? Well, we pulled up like a kid's meditation um, on Peloton. We were just going to try it, cause I, I, I do it right now.

JD: 27:44

Not the greatest, but it's something that at least I practiced and we talked about it that you know we should try, we should try that with them. And I don't know what he started, what my wife said that made him like clicked in his head that they, you know, sometimes they sit there and like you know, I think she was doing like a neck rotation and like you know she was like, well, he was like I would, I'd do that at school and like mom, you know, my wife was to that extent, but he had heard that before.

JD: 28:18

So am I going to get the kids to sit there for, like you know, a minute, even to do something like that? No, but like they, you know they have quiet times and you know the importance of you know, just having a you know I know, in the classrooms and we try to have one here is like a, you know, kind of like a quiet space, like a calm space where they could just sit and read a book. That that's their version of it, that's great. So, no, we don't have this, like you know, huge practice and, like you know, aroma diffuser next to their beds or things like that to make it but they do hear the importance of like slowing down and like you know you don't have to be.

JD: 28:48

You know, go, go, go and you know it's even just as like. Changing the wording of something is like rather than you know when you're your go-to is like well, you know, be careful. Or like you know, I just want you to be safe. Like we flip it on their head and be like you know. Well, you know, I just want you to be mindful. So he's hearing, he's hearing the ver.

JD: 29:11

To the point that, like he'll repeat it sometimes, like you know you, like you know, before you even look at him and like he's doing something completely safe. He's like, well, dad, I feel safe. I'm like well good, like I'm glad you feel like you've put it in his head now that it's in their turn. So those kind of things are already in a Montessori classroom very early on amongst you know a lot of life skills. Life skills, um, yeah, that's great, and so there's the benefit, but it's I mean, that could be. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's Montessori let's just life.

Carrie: 29:40

Um, yeah, and that's I mean that's really what it.

JD: 29:41

What it is about. It's a life philosophy way before it's an academic philosophy. So those conversations are happening at home just because of who we are. Do we just happen to also be?

Carrie: 29:51

former.

JD: 29:52

Montessori teachers, but you know it's, it's the school they go to too. That that's. You know that they're exciting part of a day is that they learned to. You know squeegee a window or water a plant, or you know, um, what else did my daughter do? Like peeling an orange, like trying to think of like her, I mean little tasks, like um you know dressing up, dressing a doll, like you know, like I mean all these little things.

JD: 30:16

that just was like, well, that's not, you could do that at home. Like, yes, but like you watch them, watch them how focused and intentional they are, and then all of a sudden they're like yelling at you because they want to be the one to watch the table.

JD: 30:27

It's like okay, well, fine, bring your bowl to the sink. I'm just, I don't care, I'm just trying to help you along. You know so. It's like that. You know so, it's being mindful is just one of those pieces that it's like. I mean, what did he say last night? We tell them not to run around, like right after they've eaten, like look at you be like did I just eat?

JD: 30:44

I'm like, yeah, you just ate. Two minutes ago you just walked up to the table. He's like, okay, he's not going to do that same thing tomorrow. He's going to be bouncing off the walls after dinner, but like you get those moments here and there. That's like, yep, you figured out that slowing down is important. You know and that's the best you can hope for at that early age. And continue the conversation. It gets better and better, right.

Carrie: 31:07

I love that piece of Montessori when they're that age is empowering them to make the choices, empowering them to help you. I did Montessori. We didn't have it near our house where we lived in Colorado when my kids were younger, so I did a lot of it at home and bought a lot of materials and tried to do it myself and teach myself, but it really empowered my kids and they're so independent. I love it when they went into the regular. We're at a social, emotional school now with project-based learning.

JD: 31:39

It's not.

Carrie: 31:40

Montessori. But it feels good for us, it's a good connection, but they just they know what to do. They're taking their backpacks ready, they're going to school, they're doing the Montessori coat flip.

JD: 31:51

Yeah, I mean that's you know in the end, yeah, I mean that's. You know in the end, like that's. That's really all you know. Kids want like we. Just we're so in our own heads that it's like. You know, well, let me do a four-year, it'll get faster. Yeah, they'll probably get their shoes and socks and jackets a lot faster with you, but what are you doing to create the space that they don't have time for that? You know it's very rare now that it's like. And then you know, um, it's very rare now that it's like.

JD: 32:15

And then you know the thing that you get frustrated with like, you know that they're taking so much time either all of a sudden, like if they're going to be able to do it that much faster, or they'll realize themselves that it's like, okay, well, I can't do this quite as efficiently yet. Um, yeah, maybe I do need somebody's help, and that's an even better thing in the end, really, that they realize that they need help with certain things, like our daughter is. She gets frustrated because she wants to put on her own pajamas, and I don't know if I could put on a onesie as an adult. Very successfully.

JD: 32:48

You know, you're definitely not going to be able to do that. And she'll say we first we were like, well, fine, sit on the bed and try it. Like we're not going to have, we're not going to have you cry about this. And then to be like, okay, like you know, we, we need to get you changed. And then you know, once you get, and that's okay I mean I'm telling this to you know, a two year old that I don't know how much he actually hears, like what I'm actually saying, but the same language that I would say to an adult is coming out and I think that's something truly important is to talk them as an adult, because they are just a human being.

JD: 33:33

But those I mean, those are the beautiful things. I mean you're right, like that's, once you realize, like that, giving them some form of independence you know, it opens up the doors like everything relaxes for you for a second. It's like what's the worst that's going to happen. I'm going to have to clean up a spill of milk or water Fine fine, you know.

JD: 33:55

And what's the benefit of letting them spill and try that? Well, eventually they're going to figure out how to drink from a cup. I don't have to drink from a, I don't have to clean a bottle. Now you know. So it's like, yeah, your frame of mind starts to shift, you know, and you start opening up your own doors. It's like, oh man, I was worried about this happening, like, and really like, if I gave myself some patience, like they're the ones climbing, I'm like someone's like buckle himself in the seat and I'm like dude, like let me do, can I do this part for you? It's pretty tricky, it's hard to do this, but you can do this part and you know, did it? Was it painstaking for me sometimes, like getting yeah, getting yeah, but now I'm just like here, we'll get in the seat and you know I'll be right there. Like, let me put your sister in. By the time I come around, sometimes he's in the seat, sometimes he's standing there, like sitting on my center console, but you know he now he's helped me out.

JD: 34:45

You know, like he's you know, so it's like stop for a second. Parents like just let them do something you know like.

Carrie: 34:52

That's a lot.

JD: 34:53

I'm sure, a lot of your tears, your, you know tantrums is another favorite word. A lot of it is probably because you took their independence away. And if you really think about it, you'd cry too If somebody took away your independence, right, you know? So it's the same same thing.

Carrie: 35:06

Yeah, it's building that resilience and helping them to learn when they need to ask for help. Um, yeah, allowing them to feel those boundaries.

JD: 35:18

I'm sorry, jd, but I think my nine-year-old still climbs on the count console, so I don't know, and like some days he like you know I'm buckling my daughter in or like I'm just trying to, like you know, put something else in the car real quick. Just, you know you get in, I know you're in there, not running around a parking lot, um, and he'll look at me like I want to. I want to sit there someday. I'm like, well, hold on, enjoy the fact that you're four.

Carrie: 35:42

Like or you know, it's just like yeah, I'm like just sit there, that's fine, lucky. My son always jokes that he's going to be the really, really safe driver. He was my first and so he was my like careful, we're crossing the whole mommy's hand. He was the one where I had more safety, and I love the term be mindful. I think that's great.

Carrie: 36:12

I wish I would have used that. I wish I could go back to 10 years and tell you know old school Carrie, like hey, can you try and use this phrase Because you are going to develop this very, very, very safe kid Now I'm trying to send him around the neighborhood to go ride his bike by himself, but he's a little bit like mom, that's. I don't think I'm supposed to do that.

JD: 36:31

Hold on, what did I do? Hold on, you know. But that's like hold on, what did I do? Hold on, you know. But that's the thing I mean, you know. There's a lot of those things that, like you know, you didn't screw up your kid because you said this or didn't say that enough, or what you can start any time. The challenge is going to be like how much did you indebted them that you have to undo?

JD: 36:45

but that's with anything you know as an adult, like how many things that you weren't paying attention to for years, that you it's going to take time to undo like you know, take.

JD: 36:54

I mean, just take a look at fitness programs. It's a silly example, but it's true. Like you know, are you frustrated that you? You know you're overweight now than what you'd like to be? Yeah, but how many? How many months were you eating donuts for breakfast? Like a lot? It's not going to go away overnight, so knock it off and and I mean I hate to sound like that drill sergeant, but like you have to do the work you know, and that's I mean that's especially true with parenting and we it's like we know it's going to be tough and it's like

JD: 37:25

yeah, sure, I, you know this is going to be hard juggling that I mean, it's like it's the, you know, the feeding and the bedtime and the eating. That's the easy thing in the end. It's the fact that, like the next day, if you weren't looking at everything that they do as a skill, versus just something like you need to check off, you're going to be in trouble eventually because it's going to stack up, just like an adult, if you weren't paying attention to whatever you know poor habit that you have or habit that's just not sustainable, it's going to catch up and then you're going to get even more frustrated that you have that much more work to do. And so I mean I, you know, I love seeing those, I love, I love seeing those things that it's like you know, it's a hack for this or hack for that, like you can't, you can't, you can't hack any bit of this parenting because what's going to happen?

JD: 38:13

It's going to work for a week, you know, or a day, or a month, but it's going to come back in a different form and you never, you never stopped to look at it in a lens that you know where they are in their stage of development. You know like you're trying to meet this goal and it's like you can't. Like not everything needs a goal, like it's like you're not helping them be human. You know, you're just trying to, you're treating them as like you know a task and they're not. Yeah, right, yeah, the big project. Yeah.

Carrie: 38:44

I don't know if you've seen I started this series. I'll have to send you one on Instagram, but I started this series of the crunchy mom, so she's the mom that tries really hard to be the perfect crunchy mama in the box but, just is comes out in the end and just has these real human moments because, yeah, we're real, we're not. That's the problem with labels, too, is that once we put a label on, we're trying to live up to being the perfect crunchy mom, the perfect crunchy dad granola dad whatever the term is right now, yeah, yeah you can't you know?

JD: 39:17

and like if you're trying to be, you're beating yourself up and you're missing something beautiful. Yeah, for sure. I think you know we were talking about it earlier like some of it goes like too far, and then you're poking fun at your kid for being the kid and it's like okay, like maybe's.

Carrie: 39:37

That's funny but like what the heck do they?

JD: 39:38

know like you know like they don't. So you're, you're not. You know you're not supporting them to understand what that is, and I would love to see some of these people like 10 years later when their kids figure out what the heck social media is and be like, well, I mean that's funny and all, dad, but like were you making fun of me?

JD: 39:53

because I don't know how to poop on the toilet, like I have a diaper, so but I at least, oh, I mean I, I think it's like funny to myself that you know, our kids did that. But the other side of it, like our daughter, doesn't do it, like as as well, but our son, like after a while, like I mean at this stage and like you know, at least when he was two, he would say the word privacy. Now is he just, he, just at the other end of the room. Yeah, he understood, though, from us taking a moment to pause, that you need space. And what does that translate to now? He doesn't want somebody sitting in the bathroom with him Sometimes he'll close the door.

JD: 40:29

Sometimes he won't, but we stopped rather than going. That's funny. Look at him straining over there. No, no. And then, like taking a video of it and that's a lot of things you know. Like what are you picking on them Because they're putting, they're making a mess of your house? And then, like you see these videos of, like you know, the parents are like calculating their schedule. It's like you know, from this, this moment to this moment, my husband, I clean up the house. Like well, why aren't you teaching them to clean up? Like that's not, like yeah, that's like responsibility. Like why are you doing that? Like, stop poking fun of them and start helping them understand a skill.

JD: 41:04

Like, yeah, they love it, they love it In the end, you know, are they going to push back and be like well, no, I you know I don't want to clean it up. Okay, well, I'll help you with it, but that's yours, yeah.

Carrie: 41:15

We love doing this work together Because you just showed them that they're you Like.

JD: 41:20

You know like I get to how many times my son is like like he'll ask me how old I am and I'm like 43. Is that this many? No, you're going to need a lot more hands than that. And he's like well, through to him, like yeah, no, like enjoy four, enjoy the one-handed version of that. Um, yeah, but I mean that's what he wants to be like, he doesn't want to be me, he just.

JD: 41:42

He just understands that like, and I don't say like well, you can't do that, you have to be a grown-up. Like, I'm not saying that he just innately understood that yeah you know like he's gonna need to be taller to jump that, or he's gonna need to be braver to balance on that monkey bar, whatever it is Like they innately understand that and we can't take that away from them, you know yeah.

Carrie: 42:02

Yeah, it's amazing, I love. I love when they can figure out their own um, what was I trying to say? Their own end game like their, their own boundaries, and yeah, and they can. It's so empowering to them.

JD: 42:18

gosh that instagram story oh, it makes my heart hurt where they're making fun of their own kids it's like there's so many that I could just, I mean, if I had the time, I would love to like save them and, like you know, do like a, you know like a commentary on like you know, but like don't do that, but I that's not the platform that I would be on, but it's just like, oh my't do that, but that's not the platform that I want to be on.

JD: 42:35

But it's just like, oh my gosh. But it's like that's where the followers are, that's where the likes are. Like it's in every category. What did I share? Like the other day to my mom, it was like something with dads and that's my platform. Like I am a hundred percent like figuring out this role of being a dad. But I understand, like you know, the mental health side of it as a, as a, as a man and as a dad, and I don't I don't think the trend lasted for that long. I haven't seen another video of it, but it was a guy and I don't even think he didn't even say he was a parent. Like I think it was like, just straight up, an influencer but he was.

JD: 43:09

It was just a video of just his face. He looks like he's just pondering, like he's sitting at a table by himself, and all these little like captions kept popping up. Like you know, am I enough? Do I do enough for my kids? Am I making enough? Like all these little things that he was worrying about. And then there was a voiceover of somebody asking him if it's okay and it's like, all those things, wipe away. You just see, like you know, are you okay, dad?

JD: 43:31

And I'm like, yes, yes, like this is gonna be like this is gonna be the game changer. I didn't even read the caption. I should have done that first, but oh, like, I'm like he's gonna like this is where we need to be at, and there's plenty of people having that conversation. Yeah, and he goes like are you okay? And what does he go? What does it say? Like he shakes his head. He's like no, I'm like, no, no, like that's not where we're at here.

JD: 43:51

And then it was like everybody was doing their own version of it and I showed it to my mom who, like you know, god help her. Like you know, gets like a lot of things socially, social media, wise and digitally. But she looked at it and she's like so am I missing something? I'm like no. She's like well, how come there's like one million people that have viewed this? I'm like I know, isn't that crazy? Like how many. And none of the comments were, like you know, anything, like trying to change it. It was like you know, I feel you, bro. Like you know, sometimes we just got a bottle and I'm like no, you don't dude.

Carrie: 44:20

Bottle it in. No, you don't Like and like.

JD: 44:23

I think what hit me is like was the dad part of it? You know, do I sometimes like go overboard?

JD: 44:29

and tell them exactly how I feel. Maybe, but I Maybe, but I'm never going to be like, no, I'm fine, cause they're going to learn that you're not fine and that's okay to be. Like, eh, I'm fine, move on. Okay, Maybe that's a moment to just move past it for a second. Yeah, but you can tell me when you're sad, you can.

JD: 44:47

So you know, I mean, sometimes my kid, my son, will ask me, like my kid, my son, will ask me if I'm okay, sheer out of random, like we just got out of the car, and my first thing is to say, like, well, thanks for, thank you for asking, like I'm fine, but that's because he, he, he's heard those conversations. So it's like. It's not even like you know, the the masculinity conversation sometimes happens. It's just like like the comfortability of just like being a dad and like being somebody that your kid needs to look at, not how to swing a bat or catch a ball, but like, like I mean my relationship with my wife, even right, I mean he has no idea what it like married means, but he understands if, like I like gave her a hug, versus you know, like if we, you know we're not speaking to each other for a moment like you know, he gets that and yeah, don't swing a ball ever, Don't play a sport ever, for all I care, but be able to recognize that like dad's not feeling good, Like you know.

JD: 45:50

So it's like, oh man, what are?

Carrie: 45:51

we doing guys? Yes, man, what are we doing guys like?

JD: 46:00

yes, I think um, there is that piece of there's power in being unhappy online and complaining. It's there's.

Carrie: 46:02

So there's like so many numbers to it.

JD: 46:05

Right the numbers game and I, yeah, I try to try to show other now.

JD: 46:10

Yeah, you know we should be having. If we're all aware of that, men need to express their emotions more and on. You know, more than that like dads are are the. The numbers have far changed as far as like dads being the ones at home and dads being, you know, the ones that are, the default parent caring that goes along with it. It's not just your home, you know, pouring your kids juice and making them pancakes in the morning, or building them something because you're, you're great at being a carpenter. You know it's, it's those conversations. That's what dads need to be changing.

Carrie: 46:44

Completely yeah.

JD: 46:45

You know, like I don't, I mean I don't, I mean I love those that, like you know, point of view, like you're a dad that, like you don't want to give your kid like the best slide, and they build this like huge thing out of wood. I'm like dude, like where did you find the time for that? So, for starters, like that's not every dad and that's not what every dad should be aspiring to, every dad should be aspiring to. The ones that you know are the the, the guidepost for emotions and relationships and compassion and grace. You know, like I mean, and not just because like dads don't, but like you know, like I mean, and not just because like dads don't, but like you know, it's just like you can be an added voice now, you know and that's hopefully what comes out, you know, with those people that I speak to on the show, but you know, more importantly to to my kids, that you know they continue to ask me like, how I'm like, how I'm feeling.

JD: 47:30

That's wonderful, whoever they had come into contact with life, you know.

Carrie: 47:35

I love that. Yeah, and that's. It's such a big piece asking everybody how they're feeling and really meaning it?

JD: 47:40

How are you?

Carrie: 47:40

today Not just fine, but how are you really doing I?

JD: 47:44

love that. How are you really doing?

Carrie: 47:45

Yeah, yeah. Well, jd, it's been such a pleasure to have you today. Yeah, absolutely Good time, and my gosh, we've gone over so many cool subjects. It's so empowering for us as parents. I love it.

JD: 47:59

I mean, this is what I enjoy doing. I'm certainly not perfect at it, I definitely don't have necessarily the answers for everything, but at least what I've come to understand is it just needs to be just the normal conversation you know just whatever it you know, did or didn't stick to the wall.

JD: 48:21

At least the conversation is there, because I think you know all these things we've shared about examples of like advice, like you know, and and things that are like their kids are doing, like every single one of them. I think that misses the mark on the fact that, like you know that there's, you're overwhelming people, um, whether that's their first time being a parent, or their fourth time being a parent.

JD: 48:43

You're overwhelming people with like, yeah, this trick or that trick and this piece of advice, and you need to be saying this more and this less, and it's like oh crap. Like I just said that to my kid twice today, like they're're done. Like I just screwed up my kid for life. No, they're two months old, like you're fine.

Carrie: 48:59

Yeah.

JD: 48:59

They're 20 years old, they're fine, yeah, so I you know, having just that's my mindset, it's just how do? I just simply just say it. If you want to ask questions later with it, fine, but hopefully you just hear it just in and you get to take away how you are going to use that with your life, Um, and not have to question anything else beyond that.

Carrie: 49:22

So yeah, that sounds perfect. I I really. That really resonates with me as well, so I wanted to let our listeners know how can they find you.

JD: 49:32

Ooh, uh, even simpler um with all those things that I explained in the beginning. Again, like I said, sounds like a lot. I've put it all under one umbrella. You can simply head to fragilemomentsorg slash bio and everything is there, from the newsletters for all the work that I do to the podcast, to just sitting down chatting with me because I love to talk.

Carrie: 49:54

That's great. It's great You're spreading a great message. I will put that in the show notes for everyone too, so in case they didn't write it down right away. Well, thank you so much, JD. It's been a great time to put our phones down and connect and share our ideas as parents. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a wonderful day.

JD: 50:13

Anytime, you too.

Carrie: 50:14

If there's a parent that you think this could resonate with, please be sure to share it with them so we can all benefit from each other. Follow Heart to Heart Parents Podcast on Instagram for daily fun ideas and tips. Happy week.