Episode 5- Ask Us Anything-with my husband Nick.

In this episode we answer questions sent in through social media. We share our perspective, some funny things about us, and honor the people who were vulnerable and trusted us with their questions. You will hear things like responding to hurt with love and kindness, letting go of control, our favorite date nights/hobbies, the way we help our kids regulate emotions, how our communication has evolved since we were separated and more. 

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Transcript

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In the darkness, I found my light. In the broken, I found my fight. Through the struggles, I learned to soar. I rose above and I wanted more. I am the eighth wonder. Standing tall, I won't be torn asunder. I've healed the wounds I've overcome. I am the eighth wonder. The strongest one. Welcome to the eighth wonder podcast, inspiring you to be proud of where you're at one story at a time. I'm your host, Ashley. Let's get started. Welcome to episode five. Me and Nick are just chilling in our comfy clothes. I'm so excited for the guests that we have next week, but this week is going to be fun. we put up a question box in social media and had people send in questions anonymously and we got some really good ones that I'm excited to answer. Yeah. Some of those questions involve me. So you get to see my beautiful face or beautiful voice again. So, And then I just want to start by saying some of these, quite a few of these are asking for advice and in no way are Nick and I saying we're qualified to give great advice. we're just going to give our experience from our relationship and our life and our perspective. so. Take it as you want, but if it doesn't resonate with you, just leave it. We're uh, we're totally learning all the time here. So yeah, always love that disclaimer. do you want me to go first? Sure. So, okay. It's about gentle warrior. So I thought I'd start, I kind of had. I think I can answer this one too. So, yeah, let me ask you first. So, question was how did you overcome imposter syndrome and gentle warrior? person who sent it. So they felt intimidated by that group. Okay. I love this question because I totally understand. It's a valid feeling. I think as a society. especially as a woman growing up, like there's a lot of cattiness, there's a lot of comparison. There's a lot of, if I win, you lose. There's a lot of just toxicity in women's groups. There is, that's just the truth. And so I totally understand this. but the difference is gentle warrior is not that at all. It is completely safe. I've never once felt judged or, compared to, or, There's been no gossip, like none of that even exists. So I understand. I also think, it's a really good teaching opportunity because if you're feeling imposter syndrome, it means that you have a fear of either not being accepted. There's some type of fear there, right? And so I think this really gives the opportunity to dig deep. And figure out, kind of why you feel that way, sit with that and know that it's valid. but gentle warrior is just not like anything else I've ever experienced. And so, I don't know, I felt imposter syndrome as well. So it's like, I get it. I want to validate that. and I think it's just taking this step of doing it and realizing that like all these women have your back and that like goes away pretty quickly. I think even outside of. Gentle warrior in the world in general, like everyone feels fear. Um, one of my favorite people in this healing space is a lady named Jen Gottlieb. she's incredible. She loves her and she really speaks a lot to fear and being your authentic self and not feeling imposter syndrome. And some things that she said that have really helped me is a everyone feels imposter syndrome. She says one of her favorite questions to ask people and she's meeting people. From all, you know, segments from all different sorts of businesses, leadership, CEOs, business owners, the who's who of the world is like, how do you handle fear? Do you still feel fear? And every single one of them said, I still feel fear. I just have learned to ignore fear and to push through it and realize that fear is an indicator I'm close to a breakthrough and I'm about to do something great. I love that for me. It's like, I've said that before. Like, I'm terrified to do this podcast. It scares the shit out of me. Like it is not in my comfort zone, but for me, it's like, I feel the fear and I just do it anyway. And as the more I do that, the easier it is to do. And the more comfortable it is to actually like, just do other things that I feel fearful and just do it anyway. I think some other things I really liked that she, she says is everyone poops. Like we're all human. Everyone poops. Like we all do the silly things in life. We all started somewhere and something else that we learned recently. At, the B1 conference with, Chris Williamson is, he said, it's idiots all the way up. I love that. Yeah. And that, that kind of plays into something I've been learning lately too. And that I, in my, my job I'm in now, I talked to a lot of business owners and CEOs and things like that. And I've learned that really the people that are successful in life or the people that just go for it and just do it and don't overcomplicate it. Don't feel like they have to have all the X's and O's figured out before they do something. So I know we're talking about imposter syndrome, but I think all of that kind of plays into that. the other big breakthrough for me too, with Watt, because I showed up and Watt again is kind of the who's who of Utah business owners, C level executives, et cetera. I showed up and I was like, holy shit, I don't belong here. Like, who am I to be with all these guys? And you start having those conversations with yourself where I had a major breakthrough was Jimmy racks. The founder of Watt had everyone stand in a circle and he had a list of items that he would read off and he'd say, if you've ever declared bankruptcy, step forward, if you've ever thought about committing suicide, please step forward. If you've ever had an affair, please step forward. And seeing these titans and the world's eyes step forward over and over again, Help me realize kind of like Jen said, everyone poops. Yeah, it's so true. There's no reason to feel imposter syndrome. Everyone's in the same boat as you. Everyone feels the same thing as you. Yeah. And, and people, nobody's better than anybody. Like we're all just doing the best we can. And like I said, like it's just doing it. It's just joining gentle warrior and realizing like, Oh my gosh, these people are incredible. And I built them up to be these perfect humans and they all struggle just like I do, you know? And it's been really freaking cool. So the next question I'll ask to you, are your groups open to other members? Yeah. So this question would be referring to the groups that we've talked about. Both Ashley and I are in personal development, leadership development, groups. I'm in a group called we are the day. Uh, Ashley's in a group called gentle warrior. we are, the day has two different groups that you could join, I guess. One is called the tribe. It's always open. if either of these feel like makes sense to you or your husband or significant other reach out, we're happy to, there's, Can we wait list for both? We're happy to get you to the top of the list. Yeah. there's also a leadership group. That'd be the group that I'm in right now with want, it's much more intense. you have weekly meetings, quarterly retreats, et cetera. Those only open like twice a year and they fill up within like 24 hours of opening. there's actually one about to open and about a month. So again, if that's something you've been thinking about. Hit us up. We're happy to connect you. You can speak to gentle warrior. Yeah. So gentle warrior has three groups right now. and as I was talking to Taryn, she was on the podcast last time. She said, she's not sure what the next group will look like. It might be her hiring another coach to do that. But it is open. She will open it. It's not open right now, but she does open it. So just follow along cause she will keep you updated on that. and it is a weekly call. A monthly meetup and two retreats a year. Next question I think probably is for you. will the shirts always be for sale? What are your plans there? That's a good question. so the shirts that go with the person's story, the plan right now, going back to just jumping in without having all the details that we just talked about. That's what I did. And so the plan there right now is. to release those for about six weeks, and then rotate those out so that we can get other people's stories up and not have like an overwhelming amount of shirts on the website. So, six weeks is the plan right now that could change, but for now that's what it is. And so if you feel called to someone's story or you love their design, I would purchase as soon as possible. what are each of your favorite podcasts? This is a good one. Go ahead. You love Jen Gottliebs. I do love Jen Gottliebs. I forget what it's called, but search for Jen Gottlieb. She has one. I listen to a lot of TED talks. Honestly, some of my favorite podcasts though, this is where my nerdy side is going to come out. I love, so five 38 is kind of a, what's the word I'm looking for it. it's a website where they analyze like polls and those sorts of things, and they're not really, they don't, they're not politically affiliated at all. They just talk about kind of what the numbers are saying. It's one of my favorites. I also love a podcast called, Stuff the British stole. It's all about stuff that British stole in history. And then I love me some Walt Disney World Walt and Disneyland kind of Disney podcast as well. Definitely true. I'm thinking I have some podcasts that I really like. I love the weekly trash. I don't know if you guys have heard of her, but go look her up. She's darling. And I love Danny Morrell. I can't think of what his podcast name is. I'm the worst at me. I just like follow them and then I don't have to think about what their names are. Um, and then I love Glennon Doyle. As well. And there's another gentle warrior. That was a podcast. Her name's Amber and I love her podcast as well. You want to do the next one or you want me to? Sure. I can do it. Okay. Next one is favorite hobbies to do individually and favorites to do together. I'll let you go first. I got to think about this one for a second. Uh, so favorite hobbies. Anything outdoorsy that's kind of why we're in Utah is we love the outdoors. So camping, hiking, I love skiing. I recently consciously broke a streak, but I had skied for like 18 months in a row. I'm training to run rim to rim to ram at the grand Canyon. I decided the risk wasn't worth the reward, this continuous skiing, because I'm working really hard to do the Rembrandt. So, um, yeah, anything outdoorsy. Yeah. we also love like the ballet. Our girls are both in ballet. We love going to the ballet, the symphony, pretending we're rich. My favorite hobby would be, I've already mentioned it, but Disneyland. Uh, we love Disneyland. It's kind of funny. We have a brother. And the only vacation he ever takes is to Walt Disney World. And I'd always tease him like, bro, the world's a big place. Like there's lots of places you can go. Like come on, really? We're going to go to Disney as an adult and he's just kind of himself and is who he wants to be. And we call him Disney Dawson. It's, it's really beautiful. And like almost a year ago to the day, Ashley and I flew to LA just for a weekend trip, just the two of us. And I was like, well, we're here. Might as well do Disneyland. What the heck? It was my first time too. It I've never been to Disneyland. I was like six years old or something. And we both fell in love. We loved it. Now you're Nicky Mouse. Well, we've been like, I don't know, four or five times in the last year. Yeah. We. I'm trying to convince him to go this weekend. We can't stop going. Oh, that's so funny. So, yeah. Those are good. And it's open, open mouth insert foot there. Uh, favorite hobbies for me as camping. I recently learned to ski, not great at it, but I actually really do enjoy it. Once I got over the F bombs and the falling down and the scared. I love how much of a metaphor skiing has been for your life. That's so true. It's like this thing that, so I, I, I. I said, Ashley, we got to go skiing. I grew up in Kansas city. We'd go to Colorado as a family, like for a week, every year to go ski. I love skiing. I've always loved skiing. Ashley had never been, never. So I don't know, 10 years ago we decided to go and it's like, cool, let's get you some ski school, like skiing's easy, like been doing it since I was six, like, sure, they won't be hard for you. So put her in a half a day's ski school, pick her up. Her instructor's like, Oh, she did great. She's probably the best one here. This was in Colorado, by the way, not Utah. I don't want to give Utah a bad name. Sweet. Like my dreams are coming true. And I was like, should we try the bunny hill? She's like, sure. So we get at the top of the bunny hill, get off the lift. Everything goes smooth. And she looks at me like a deer in a headlight. It's like, what do we do now? I'm like. We're going to go down the mountain and she's like, okay. And just goes for it. But as she's going down the mountain, she is getting some, some velocity. Yeah. Go on real fast. Hey, slow down. Hey, pizza, pizza. And she's like, I'm trying. And they didn't teach her how to do pizza. They didn't teach me anything. Yeah, they didn't. Literally nothing. I don't know how he said I was ready. But I went flopping down the mountain, like somersault, ass overhead. Had a yard sale at the bottom of the mountain. Yeah. And hit her head, and ever since then, it's just been like this PTSD. Totally, I'm like terrified. And what's crazy is you're a really good skier. Like you've gotten really good now. Like you literally could be skiing blacks, but I still fight that fear every single time I get to the top of a mountain. It could be the easiest, even a bunny hill. I still fight that fear every time. It's a metaphor for my life. I love it. It's beautiful. It's so funny, but it's been like skiing. Something that's really important to me. So it's been, it's been really special for you to push through those things for me. It's meant a lot. It really has. Well, it's been really good for me because it's been a. Like a really good opportunity for me to face fear and to like, do it anyway. And like you taught me, like, just don't think about it. Like, just go, just do an action. Like it can be something little, like just, and that's actually really helped is like, if I just, if I start to think about it, if I just wait two seconds and just go, I like, I'm fine. And I can do it and I can get down to the bottom safely, but I literally will like, you guys, we've stood on ski Hills for like hours at a time where I'm just standing there. Like I can't do, I cannot make myself go. And he's so patient. And then I'm like mean, cause I'm triggered and like, it's just a total shit show. We've done good. I digress. We can go to the next one. Let's see, what other hobbies do I have? Same thing. Um, I love creating, yeah, like anything, whether that's like pictures, taking pictures, editing pictures, creating like baby shower invitations or creating parties and throwing parties for my kids. Like I love any type of creation. Like I'm all for it. I love organizing. and I'm really good at it. Like I love to organize my pantry or like anything really like, it makes me. Happy to organize. And I, uh, I always joke, you like to redecorate our house every quarter. That's true too. I do love home interior design. And I do do decorate it like every quarter. I'm like, all right, let's get rid of everything and start over. And he's like, are we kidding? Like we literally just bought this stuff three months ago. But, uh, somehow you always sell it for the same or more on Facebook marketplace that we're manifesting. Oh, okay. Cool. Um, this is a good one. How do you respond with love and kindness when someone hurts you and has lied to you? I'll let you start on this one. Okay. I love this question. I love that you're wanting to respond with love and kindness when someone has hurt you and lied to you. I think this is a really good opportunity to sit in like your emotions and sit in, if somebody hurts you, like sit in what that, why that hurt you. Like, is it that they lied to you? Is it because of the thing that they did? Is it both? I think it's a really good opportunity to, cause you don't have to respond right away. You can take time. We've talked about that, like stepping away. I think it's really good to like, step away from the like heated moment and the like big emotions around it. And to go take a deep breath, go like be by yourself and figure out like, why is this bothering me? And then also, To be able to, like, think about the other person's perspective of why they might have done something. I know for, like, us, just with, like, your porn issues, like, for me, like, it was the lying that hurt. It wasn't really the porn, like, I'm not okay with it, but, like, I understand the struggle of it, and I understand the why behind it, and that has helped a ton, to know that it's not about me, and that it's actually something that you've struggled with since you were a kid, you know, and to know. I don't know if that makes sense, but just to like try to see their perspective because no one's ever trying to like intentionally hurt you. if they're lying about it, there's probably shame involved. and so they feel really shameful and embarrassed to even tell you. And that's usually what the lie is about. It's not about you or like them wanting to hurt you. so yeah, that's, that's, that's what I was going to say is, is perspective. Yeah. Perspective is everything. I mean, that's. Yeah, I mean, if you understand someone's perspective, it's, it's really hard to be mad at them. Absolutely. and you've got to, it's hard though sometimes to uncover that perspective because when someone's in the wrong, they're immediately on the defensive, right? And so I think that statement that we use, like, can I speak to your heart is a really good at disarming and helping them know like, Hey, I truly want to see you and understand you because that's really all anyone wants is, is to be seen. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And so definitely when emotions are high, like we talked about our marriage podcast, that's not the time to try to figure that out. Like you said, it's okay to step away, to calm down. But yeah, perspective is how you're going to have that grace, that understanding. And I think like responding with love and kindness, like also honor where you're at. Like you should respond with love and kindness always. but also honor your feelings as well. Like don't Don't put the other person's feelings ahead of your own. Like you definitely need to sit in that, like we've talked about and figure out why that's hurting you. And then just like return to each other and have a conversation about it of like a good way to respond is like, Hey, you did this thing that hurt me and you lied to me about it. I'd love to hear your perspective and why that felt necessary to you. You know, like why, why did you need to lie to me? What made you feel that way? Why are you doing this thing that hurt me? Yeah. Perspective and getting curious is what I'm getting at. Like being really curious instead of accusatory or judgmental or like any of the pointing the finger, it's really like getting curious with yourself and how you're feeling and curious with the other person and why they're feeling the way they are or why they've done what they did to hurt you. I love that. I think you're, you do a really good job of this and all aspects of your life. but even like, you've talked about some of the abuse you suffered as a child, like you've been all the step back and be like, you know what, I'm, I'm grateful for that, because it's been my greatest teacher. And so there's a book called existential kink where it talks about. Finding the good and everything, no matter how negative it is. And I think that's part of it as well. Yeah, totally. I agree. next question. I just found out my husband has been vaping behind my back. Advice. So I think this goes back to what we just talked about. So it sounds like he was lying about it because it says it was behind your back This goes back to probably their shame involved There's a reason that he felt like he needed to do it behind your back and I'm not blaming you at all whoever wrote this like that's his but I think It goes back to like being curious and with yourself, like is the vaping bothering you or is it that it was behind your back or is it both? And if it's both figure out why it's bothering you and, and figure out like how to sit in that and honor those feelings for you. And then approach your husband and say, Hey, I understand that you probably feel embarrassed or shameful about this, but I actually just want to talk to you about this and why this, why did you start, like, try to be curious and understanding of why he's doing it and why he did it behind your back. The times you, you've done that with pornography, like I don't think anything's deepened our connection and the amount of love I have for you. Yeah. And when you've come and just be curious and like loved me and supported me and been like, Hey, like I'm here for you. Yeah. and so I would definitely encourage this individual to approach in that way, just as we kind of just talked about, like, that was honestly two really good questions in a row. Yeah. Just be curious, just be loving, try to remove shame from it. Which is hard, but it's so important because the person's already feeling shameful. That's why they hit it. And so if you can remove. The like projection of shame, like that you're feeling, it really helps open up the conversation and open up people's hearts to be able to talk about like how they're, how they truly feel. Okay. What's your favorite recent book that you've read? So for me, it's manifesting. Is that what it's called? Or is it manifest? Uh, I think it's just called manifest by Roxy. Yeah. I can't think of her name, but it's such a good book. It's a great one. Love it so much. If you haven't read it, you should read it. manifesting was always like. I, I always kind of thought it was like hocus pocus, like you read about like the, it's the secret, right? Yeah. And like, Oh, go make a vision board and stare at it every day and all your dreams will come true. Like what I loved about this book is it was like, no, that's, that's not how manifesting works. Yeah. It goes back to self love. It's like if your subconscious truly believes that you deserve something, you can manifest it. But if it doesn't, and you're operating from a subconscious that thinks you're not good enough, you'll never manifest what you want. You'll manifest what you don't want. It's a great read. I'm trying to decide that's gotta be top of my list too. I I'm reading a book right now called be seen by again, Jen Gottlieb. Really, really enjoying that. That's like checking a lot of boxes for what I need right now in my life, which is trying to just be my authentic self. but yeah, manifest has to be Top of the list. It's a great book. Easy read. It's like 180 pages or something. Yeah. So yeah, so good. Really good book. What's your least favorite chore? We can both agree on this one. Laundry! You guys saw our laundry room. It's like a mountain range of laundry. Like it never is caught up. We get caught up. And then we just never do it again. We do, we pay for a laundry service. To get caught up. And then it just piles. We're never doing that again. And then we do. It's the one tour that neither of us like. It's just, we can't. It's so bad. It is. Favorite date ever? Ooh, this one's hard. We've had a lot of good dates. I think, like, specifically my favorite date ever was going to Disneyland together. Sorry guys, we're nerds. Ah, I do love Disney with you. I'm trying to think. Uh oh. We're not telling that story. I was thinking about our first date. We're definitely not telling that story. Yeah, we're not telling that story. Sorry guys. What other dates have we And good ones. That same trip when we went to California, we like, we're in a sailboat. That was really fun. Well, that was way fun. They let us like drive the sailboat and got set just on the, it's the bow, the stern, I don't know the front of the boat, have like a little later on a blanket and just like, Oh, I want to retire in a sailboat. Like that's, That's one of my goals. That was super fun. Uh, favorite trip. I bet you guys can guess. No, I know. I don't know if it's Disney. What do you think? Disney. I love Disney. It's funny. We used to call Disney fake fun. I don't, I don't feel that way anymore. But, uh, I think it's all about perspective. Sure. Totally. It's funny. We went on a trip recently to Idaho. And at the time we're like, we can't spend a lot of money on this trip. Like we've got some things we're trying to do. And so we were doing really simple things. We're like, Hey, let's teach our kids. It is not about what you're doing. It's about perspective. How you're doing it perspective. Yeah. So we went to the Idaho potato museum, went to the museum of clean, which was literally like, they had like exhibits of vacuum sweepers and things like. It was fun though, they loved it. It was so much fun. Oh my gosh, they still talk about the Idaho Potato Museum, they had the best baked potatoes ever. Um, I think my favorite's gotta be, so when Abby was what, three? We went and backpacked the Teton Crest Trail, so you basically circumnavigate the Tetons. And just was an incredible experience. Love that so much. It was besides my F bombs. Just kidding. There's a few of those on that trip. For sure. I was in a lot of pain. I wore the wrong size hiking boots. They were like, what a size and a half, two small, two sizes, too small. I didn't know any better, but it was a good deal on Facebook. Um, favorite date night with kids. I love this one. I love this one too. I'll start by saying this is one of my goals for this year is to be better at this. So we do date nights with our kids. I have one. You can go first though. So I think it's really important to take your kids individually to do things. We took Aspen recently to Disney, which was so, so fun. It was so cool to just like pour into her and not have to worry about anything else. and then Abby asked me the other day on a mommy daughter date and she planned the whole thing. And she put like lights in the back of our van and laid down blankets and a like Foam mattress and we watched Gilmore Girls together in the mountains. It was so so sweet So just like I don't even think it matters what you're doing It just matters like to pour into them and spend like special time with them In fact, I was talking about it like oh, let's have a mommy daughter date or whatever and Bubba who's three Everest He was like, I want a daddy daddy son date Is that what he said? Daddy son? He said daddy bubba date. Daddy bubba date. I want a daddy bubba date. So cute. It really doesn't matter what you do. I, I, the other day was reflecting on my childhood. Like one of my fondest memories is watching Royals games with my mom in the basement. Like just one of my favorite memories. Like, yeah, that felt so special. The other one, like I have is like, I love baseball as a kid was my mom hitting me like ground balls and the side yard and just doing that for hours, as long as I wanted. the one I thought of, like one of our favorite family traditions is yesterday. So that movie came out a few years ago as our kids saw it on media. You're like, we're doing that. Yeah. Okay. It's so we started, I don't know, four or five years ago, every Memorial Day weekend, we pick one of the days out of that holiday weekend and, and just let them have a yes day. Yeah. So that's, if you haven't seen that movie, go watch it. And I would encourage you to do that for your kids. It's so fun. We set a budget, their rules, like you can't do anything permanent. It can't damage anything. but other than that, they get to just pick the whole day. And it's so, so fun. Yeah, it's a blast. It's fun to be able to say yes and not know all day. Yeah. Like, we don't love saying no. We literally start at like 7 like midnight. It's so much fun. It is so fun. It's literally, I think they would choose that over Christmas, Oh, totally. It's like their favorite day of the whole year. They've asked me so many times lately, when, when is yesterday? When is Memorial Day? I'm like, it's coming up. Next question on here is how has your communication evolved since separation till now? Ooh, that's a good one. Um, I'll let you go first. I have some thoughts, but I want to hear what you say. I think the biggest thing, and this is something we wanted to touch on in our marriage podcast that we just I felt like we didn't have time to really dive into has been just being an integrity with one another. like your struggles can be whatever your struggles are, but you have to be 100 percent open and honest. Yeah. And they don't even have to be struggles. It's like being honest about everything. Like I spent money here and didn't, you know what I'm saying? Like it can be anything or I, I don't know. I can't even think of anything. But. Just like totally honest. It doesn't even have to be about struggles, but it's like being in integrity with yourself and then being integrity with each other. I think that's probably the biggest evolution. That's actually really recent. So that was kind of the big overarching theme of my first retreat. And my men's group was being an integrity with yourself, with your spouse, with the world, and that if you're not an integrity, then you're not going to love yourself basically. And it's going to rob you of the power that you could have otherwise. Yeah, I love that. obviously all of the things we talked about in our marriage episode, that's been huge for our communication, like speaking from wounds, being able to take a step back because I was always the person that needed to take a deep breath and you didn't, you wanted Fix it right away. So that's been huge too, is like actually practicing that, not just like learning it and letting it go. Like we actually practice that. we practice literally all the things he's taught. He taught us like speak, let me speak to your heart when we come back to each other after being heated or I don't know, all the things, all or nothing thinking like we teach our kids that even like you're thinking you're doing all or nothing thinking right now, like it's not all or nothing. It can be in the middle somewhere, you know, I think the other really big evolution too, has been just how our conflicts transpire and unwind. Like we've gotten so much better at like. Just stepping away, giving each other space, time to process. It used to be like our conflicts would be these like day long things. And now like we have some sort of day, I feel like they'd be weak, even a week long. I don't know. We'd have some sort of conflict. We have some sort of conflict now though. And it's literally, should we just have one? Like yesterday it was like, literally you went upstairs. You're like, I'm frustrated. Yeah. I was like, cool. I'll give you space. And about 15 minutes later, you went and took a bath. You took a deep breath. You know, we, we talked it out and so, yeah, I think just realizing like what the other person needs, I've really embraced meditation lately. And so when I'm really feeling anxiety or stress or whatever it is, I'm like, Hey, I need to go meditate and you creating that space for me to go in the closet and meditate for 15 minutes or an hour or whatever it takes. And then, you know, work through that emotion and then we can move on with our lives and have a harmonious relationship. Yeah. I think it's just like ever evolving to like, I think it'll look different. But those have been like the main themes in our communication for sure. And just like realizing that you, you're your own person. They're their own person. Like you can't control anything. Like control was huge for me of like wanting to just like control every situation. So I felt like I was safe. And. You just can't, you can't control the other person. You can't really control anything. It's just like surrender to it. And it's so much easier. what still causes tension in your marriage and how do you resolve? I feel like we just answered that, but I feel like so many, like everything can cause tension in a marriage, right? It's just like random. Yeah. Well, there it's, I think this kind of goes back to, to like Mike's speaking from wounds, not even speaking from wounds, but his whole, Like there's issues in a marriage or there's themes themes in a marriage and then there's issues in a marriage or how did he say it? It's not the issues. It's the themes behind the issues. And so like, dude, literally like, I mean, buying the wrong type of produce from the store could cause an issue. I'm not saying that's something that's caused an issue. Yeah, definitely not. I was like, what? Okay. I don't know, but something simple could cause an issue, but it's never that simple issue. It's something behind it. I mean, I think that's something I've learned or had to learn is. Like as a fixer, you can't fix most issues with solutions like you would a problem at work. It's, it's, it's deeper than that. It always goes deeper. It's like if I'm frustrated that you didn't help me clean the house, it's not that you didn't help me clean the house. It's that I'm feeling unseen or I'm feeling like I, I don't know, does that make sense? Like there's always a theme behind it. It's never the issue. Yep. Right now I'm in an eight year relationship with plans to get married, but as I've done dove into this work within myself and gained a new community of people who are also on a healing journey, my partner and I have become really disconnected. This is not a shared passion. I don't feel like I can share what I learn or what I'm working on with him. He doesn't get it. Doesn't have any interest in trying to mesh with these groups. How do you navigate relations as they shift can both exist. I love this question. I think you might actually be able to answer it better, but I'm just going to start by saying I dove into healing before you and we definitely had a, a period of our marriage where it was very disconnected and it was recent. Like it was a year ago even. Because when someone starts to grow and it feels like you're leaving the other person behind, you can only like stretch so far before it's going to like, Either they're going to go this way or they're going to come with you. and so, yeah, you'll have a good perspective on this because you were in the other person's seat. So it sounds like she's in my seat and you're in her fiance seat. Yep. Yep. So Ashley joined gentle warrior and I'd always told myself like, Oh, if Ashley would fix her problems, then I wouldn't have problems. You know, mine would just magically go away. Um, I took zero ownership over my issues and my problems. And. Gosh, I love you. I love you too. But Ashley, you know, started to fix her problems through gentle warrior and these tools and breathwork and meditation and just all the things that she was learning. And at first it felt kind of hocus pocus. And at first I had some wounds that told me Like, oh, this isn't going to last. Like Ashley's made some shifts before, but immediately went back to the person she was. But eventually I found myself in front of the mirror and realized like, no, these, this is my shit. These are my problems. And Ashley is leaving me in the dust here. And either I'm going to catch up or Ashley's going to say I'm I'm beyond this person to move on. And so I don't think I would have ever said that, but who knows. Right. Yeah. And so I guess speaking to this individual, like. I would tell you just keep trucking along and eventually they'll have a desire to make those changes and they'll want to follow you. At least that was the case for me. And if they don't, then you know, right? Like eventually, I mean, I don't, this is a hard one because I feel like it goes back to like control of like when, I'll just give an example. When I was like joined the healing. Community and started on this path and was like fixing things and he was still just like, no, it's you. Right. It was really hard. It was really hard for me not to not be like, just do it. Do what I'm doing. Like, just join a group. Just do this. Just do that. Like, I wanted so badly to control where you were and to have you feel and think the same way I was and you were not there yet. You weren't ready. And so what was Most beneficial for me was to surrender that and let go of that control and just be okay with where he was and be like, you know what, this is where he's at. I'm just going to focus on me and worry about my healing and keep doing what I'm doing. And he'll figure it out for himself. And he did. It's like, once we let go of that control, it like opens up for the other person to be like, Oh, Wait, I love you. I want to come. I want to be a part of this. Yeah. You know, and you can't, you can't force people either. No, that has the opposite effect. Yeah, totally. So when you say can both exist, I think they can. And they did for us. Like it was me and gentle warrior and you like, meh, this is weird. The stuff you're talking about doesn't really resonate. It was really scary for me as to as well. I remember I think we were going to whitefish and having conversation around the things you were learning in gentle warrior and kind of like, Hey, are you going to join me or not? And you just being like, dude, this is scary. Like there, there's a whole side of myself that I haven't faced Since I was a kid that I've put in a closet and just ignored and lived a life out of complacency and fear of change. Like it's really scary to face the unknown and not know what's behind that door. And it took, it took some time for me to muster the courage to finally be willing to, you know, take a step off the cliff. And to dive in. And once I did though, I would say that I, I've, I've dove in fully, totally. Um, I was going to say also something I didn't expect in the journey of both of us healing is when he did step up, I got scared. It was like, Oh wait, is he going to leave me behind now? Like I got scared too. So I think it can switch back and forth. Like I think that like, it was interesting because I, I suddenly knew what he felt like when I was, when I had done it first, like I was like, Oh, this is what he felt like. Like, it is scary. It's scary to feel like you're going to be left behind. It's also scary to want to step up and face your shit. It's hard. Like that's hard work. There's no going back from that. Once you know, you know, you can't look, you can't unsee it, you know? So I just encourage you to keep being you, and shining your light and surrendering the control and just give it time. One more thing I'd say too is we just be patient, like I, you know, through our first 10 years of marriage, like always saw you for who you really were and saw your divine potential. Yeah. And you've obviously seen that in this person if you've been with them for eight years. Yeah. So just be patient. Like an eight year relationship isn't worth blowing up just because. Your person's not quite ready. Yeah. Well, that's great advice. how do you teach your kids to regulate their emotions? I love this one. I'll let you answer this one. You're definitely, you definitely do the way on this one. so it's interesting because this has been really hard for me. when you grow up and don't, you don't learn how to regulate your own emotions and then you become an adult and you don't know how to regulate your emotions. And then you have kids and they have meltdowns. You're like, uh, I have no idea what to do. It triggered me so bad. Like my kids would cry and I would like blackout. Like I was so triggered, like he can attest, like I would have to leave the room, like I could not, I was like, I can't, I can't, I cannot do it, like it was so bad, now they cry and I'm like, yes, but it's what, so what I'm trying to say is like, Be patient with yourself. Have grace with yourself. kids are our greatest mirror and this has been really hard for me. and I think it's just baby steps and I think it's also like as I learned to regulate my emotions and they see that, they start to mirror that back and they start to realize how to do that. In fact, like, I'll always say like, you're allowed to cry. Right. And if I'll have a moment with Aspen where I'm like, stop crying. She's like, I'm allowed to cry. And I'm like, you're right. Like she'll call me out. And I love that. I love that. Like we have set that precedence for them where they will tell us like, actually, no, you've taught me that I can do this. You know, it's been really cool. Aspen, we got an email from Aspen's teacher. No, it was parent teacher conferences. And she got on and she said like, Aspen is one of the best people at talking about her emotions. Like she will be in class and she'll be doing a math problem and she'll be like, I am so frustrated. I need to go take a deep breath. And she's like, she'll walk to the corner, take three deep breaths, do some twirl ballet spins, come back and be like, okay, let's try again. And like, keep going. She's like, she just perseveres and, but she's, she will. Say her emotions out loud and not be afraid to tell me how she's feeling and like go regulate and come back. And I think like that's my greatest win as a mom. Like if I can teach my kids that like they, I'm getting emotional because I'm like they're so far ahead of me in that space. Like I am so thankful. Yeah, so I just think it's like learning to regulate your own emotions and being able to hold space for your kids emotions when they feel big emotions and tell them things like it's okay to cry. It's actually okay if you're upset with me, you can be mad at me. If you didn't like that, do you need a hug? Like just, just feeling into that. And like, I always, I love the quote. That's like, be who you needed when you were a child. Cause that's really what it is. It's just like, as you learn to regulate your own emotions and heal your inner child, it like heals your child that's in front of you as well. I think too, like with Abby, Abby's. Difficult right now. She's in the preteen, she's very proud of that, that I'm a tween, but it's just like, it doesn't always feel like those lessons are taking. But just being consistent, like, Hey, sis, we've got to talk about what we're feeling. We've got to do this. And then you'll see it. Click. Yeah. And I look back to being a kid too. And like, I still remember lessons that I was taught as a kid. And I'm sure at the time my parents like, this is, this is pointless. Why am I having this conversation? But yeah, I heard them. Totally. Yeah, I love that. I love that because it gives you perspective too, because in the moment it's like, are they even listening? Like, do they even hear me? They're still struggling with the same problem, but then one day it does click and you're like, Oh, wait, they're way better than they used to be. They, they're starting to learn how to regulate, you know? It's cool. And I think just allowing that all the emotions to be Like allowing the space for that and not judging them or putting shame to them and just being like, you know what, if that's how you feel, like you're allowed to feel that way because society already teaches emotions are negative or there's certain emotions that are negative. And I hate that. Like, let's actually teach them that we're human. And this is a human experience. And these emotions are normal. And, oh, you feel angry right now. You should, that's your body showing up for you. You know,. So last question. Yeah. How do you set healthy boundaries in your relationship? Okay, I love this one because I remember going into Gentle Warrior and thinking like, my boundaries are my boundaries and like, you can't break them. And like, it was like this very like controlled environment. And I'll never forget when Taryn was like, boundaries aren't about another person, they're about yourself. And I was like, um, excuse me, what? Like she taught us and it's so beautiful that boundaries are really about ourselves and we set boundaries with ourselves. We don't set boundaries with other people. We don't say, Hey, that's my boundary. You crossed it. Like that's, well, you can have those conversations, but what I'm trying to say is like, I'll try to give an example, like say that I have someone in my space five times in a week, but I know that that person being in my space five times a week isn't good for me, but I did it anyway. That's me breaking my own boundary. That's not on them. Because I had set a boundary. I had known that they weren't, shouldn't be in my space for five days out of the week and I let them anyway. That's on me. That's a moment for me to look and go, okay, I didn't hold my boundaries with myself. I should have said no. And next time I know now, does that make sense? Yeah. It, this is something that I feel like I'm, I'm still kind of learning. And it's, it's definitely recent to me, but something, what I've learned recently is like, there's like, is there really even a such thing as healthy boundaries and a relationship because you can't place those on other people. Like you said, it really comes down to you and your expectations and like just talking through things. Like, I love that you said expectations. Yeah. Cause that's really what it is, right? It's like we've been where we, a lot of society teaches like boundaries are like, it's really just expectations and disguises boundaries. They're not actually boundaries, their expectations. And then you have these expectations on people and that's not fair. Like you can't have expectations on people. You're just always going to be disappointed because if a person doesn't live up to those expectations, which they don't have any like obligation to do so, right, then. You're going to be disappointed and your boundaries are going to be broken. If that's what your boundaries are. I do think there are things in a relationship and I don't even know if you would call them boundaries, but cause I feel like I'm still learning this too. Like, this is something that Taryn has taught us and done a great job at, but it's something that I just like constantly. I'm like, that's interesting. Like, I can't, I think it goes deeper, but I think in a relationship, like. There are things you can agree that are boundaries together, like we're not okay with hurting each other. Like, you know, like there's, there's a mutual understanding or like rules if you want to say, and those can be broken and those are like, that's a different conversation. But when you're putting boundaries, like if I told Nick, like you can't drink soda, it makes me uncomfortable. You can't ride your dirt bike. I'm afraid you're going to get hurt. Like, that's not okay. If we've come to a mutual agreement, we've talked through this and like, he's like, you know what, it's not worth, like, that's different. But if I'm just like, you can't have that hobby. Cause it makes me uncomfortable. Like that's control. That's not okay. And that's not a boundary. If that makes sense. Yeah, I don't know. No, I think that's great. Like you said, I think boundaries are really something mutual. It can't be something you just say, Hey, you can't do this. It doesn't make me feel safe. Yeah. it has to be a mutual thing. Otherwise it comes down to expectations and. Making sure you both have are aligned and what the expectations are and what they should be, but also things change. Life changes. Oh yeah. Boundaries always change. Like they're not a set in stone. They are fluid. They can totally change and they should be within yourself of like, that made me uncomfortable. Now I know next time to not put myself in that situation or whatever that looks like, like they really are something that it's inside yourself. And that like blew my mind and changed my perspective. And now I don't do that. I don't do the, like, that's a boundary that you broke, you know? I don't know if that's helpful. Hopefully. Cool. So last question, I know off the script here, I just, I'd love for you to talk more, like I'm obsessed with you. You're my hero. I'm so proud of you and what you're doing with eighth wonder. Like, what are your, like your aspirations? What are your wildest dreams with like eighth wonder? Where would you love to see it go? Do I have to speak these out loud? You guys, he's trying to make me manifest here. Call me out. I mean, my biggest desire is to help people, right? Like I want the podcast. To be accessible to people that need it. I want it to go into the hands of people that need healing or need to be proud of where they're at or need to feel less alone or all the things I've said. Like I think that the human experience is really hard and I remember like growing up and feeling so alone. Like so alone in my experience. And now I'm like, I was not, there are so many people, everyone has a story. Everyone has experienced something hard for them. And there's no comp, like we don't have to compare stories. We don't have to say mine was hard. Like that. It's none of that. It's like everybody has, is just trying their best. They've all been through really hard things that were super hard for them. And, um, I want people to understand that and I want people to like feel loved and accepted and to feel hope that they can get through it and become who they want to be because nobody wants to be miserable and lonely and stuck in this like cycle of like shame and judgment and it's the worst place to be. And so for me, it's like, I just want it to go out into the world and touch the people that it needs to. That's my biggest aspiration. I love that. I love you. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. Thank you so much guys for being vulnerable enough to ask us questions. I really appreciate it and I hope this was helpful and I'm so excited for the guest next week. You guys, she's amazing and until next time. Yeah. I'm super excited for next week. She's never told her story. I'm so excited. It is awesome. I'm honored. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen. It means the world to me. If you liked this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share on Instagram. If you're not following us, follow at eighthwonderdesigns, and remember, be proud of where you're at.