Episode 6: In Order to Heal We Must Howl-Janecia

In this episode I talk with the one and only @_janeciaahl_ about her trying past. This is a story that truly must be heard, Janeciah has had a life filled with loss, grief, and trauma. But in the end has never waivered in her divine calling to over come, and break the cycles in her family tree.  Janeciah is Truly an 8th Wonder! 

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome to the 8th wonder podcast. Inspiring you to be proud of where you're at one story at a time. I'm your host Ashley. Let's get started. Welcome to Episode 6. We have the beautiful Janicia here, or Jay, as she lets some people call her. Yay! I'm so excited. Hi! I'm so excited that you're here. Me too, thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm so excited for you to tell your story. It's really inspiring. I've wanted to do it for so long and it just hasn't I haven't had the opportunity and Jimmy gave me the opportunity at that event and I was terrified, shaking, trembling the entire time, but I'm glad it's more intimate. Yeah. Nick said you were amazing though. Like he came back and that was one of the first things he told me was there's this girl at the retreat that shared her story and it was so beautiful. So you did great even if you are nervous. I'm glad not everyone was like, She, what is she doing? No, we're the hardest on ourselves. so let's just start. I want you to tell your story, how you've overcome. but let's start just with your childhood and we'll go from there. I was born into an insane family and I love my family so much, but it was pretty gnarly. Um, my mom had me at 20 and my oldest brother at 17. And. She wasn't the healthiest. I mean, my dad got her into things that she shouldn't have gotten into and I don't think her intentions were wanting to get to that point, but, she got into Oxycontin and it kind of spiraled from there. Um, when I was just six months old, I found out that I had febrile seizures because my mom and dad got in a huge fight and left me in the car at six months and I ended up just going into a seizure because my body temperature spiked so high and I ended up getting life flighted and while we were in the helicopter, my grandpa's, I was raised semi Mormon, semi not Mormon, he said to the pilot, I will not let you take off until I give my granddaughter a blessing. And to me, I never really believed in blessings until I was told this story over and over again. And I think my grandparents were like, no, it's real. Yeah, hear me out. but he gave me a blessing. And he said, In the helicopter, I ended up dying, like completely. My heart rate stopped. I just was gone. And as we were landing, I came back to life. And to me, I'm only starting off with this because I think something happened to my tiny, tiny little body while I was in the helicopter of, I don't know how this thought came to me, but I was like, I feel like they. He gave me this blessing and a part of his life so I could live. Um, my grandpa ended up passing away in 2016 from pancreatic cancer, and it was devastating to me and my entire family. I'm starting there because from here, it just skyrockets into another, another universe, but, um, so after that happened, my mom was in and out of rehab, trying to get healthy, trying to get back on our feet so she could gain custody of us, and so thankful for her for that, because it's taught me a lot. Now, teaching at a recovery center to see How much she's overcome and just like the badassery that has gone into that. who were you with? Who had custody of you at this point? So at this point, it was my grandparents. Okay. My mom's mom and then her remarried husband. Okay. and so I was kind of picked all over so I'd be there and then I'd go back with my mom and then I'd go with another set of grandparents and then I'd go live, live and stay with an aunt or a friend and I never had a stability or a place to call home and it caused a lot of stress on me as a child. Can't even imagine. Yeah, While I was living at my grandparents house, my brother, he was so young to this day I still can't comprehend how or why he got to this point and it's probably because my father, I don't like to call him my father because he wasn't ever really present in my life. But, I ended up getting raped by my oldest brother, and he was 12, and I was tiny, I was like 7. And, it was me and my cousin, but, he brought us into his bedroom, and he was like, let's play forts. And, we were building this fort, it was so much fun, and then He ended up telling us we had to take our clothes off as we were in that transition or whatever. He was older than us. So we thought he knew we'd yeah, totally. You just trust people like that you that you love in your life, especially as a child. You just trust them. Exactly. And my aunt who is also living there because she was young, it was her actual parents. She goes, I don't think something's right in there. And so he left and he was like, I need some water. And opened the door and she came and snuck under the bed. Oh, wow. And he came back in and started with my cousin first and did his thing with her. And. I have a hard time not knowing why she didn't come out sooner, but then it got to me, and she popped out of, from underneath the bed and was like, what the, what the hell are you doing? Yeah. Like, what is going on? And called the cops, and the cops came, he ended up getting handcuffed and taken away. And in that moment, I remember I felt guilty because he was the one being taken away. I didn't feel guilty for myself of like what had just happened to me. I didn't feel any of those thoughts. It was no, like I lost my older brother. Yeah. And this is my fault because it was happening to me. So that ended up happening and. It really did affect the way older, the older I get, it affected the way I view sexuality. 100 percent And I was like, am I gay? No, I totally get that. I'm not gay. Yeah. I had all of these questions of, is this how all men are? Is this what love is? I questioned my worth of humanity all in general. And, Then, the older I got, the more I went to therapy and healed myself a little bit, and I was like, no, that is not what love is. And that is not how any woman should be treated, and they shouldn't feel like it's their fault when they get sexually abused. Yeah, totally. It's not. And a lot of women don't speak up on it. They don't because it's so scary. Nobody, well, not nobody, but lots of people don't aren't believed and that's so hard. It is so terrifying. And you're like, well, they're not going to believe me. They are going to resent me. Yep. They're going to get in trouble. Yeah. They're going to get in trouble and I'm going to have to be around them all the time with this hurt in my heart and nobody understands. Yeah, totally. And I, Now I know that a lot of women, especially in Utah, I'm surprised, understand that feeling, especially by family. Did it disconnect you from your body? Like, for me, that's, it like, made me totally disconnected from my body. Like, I, even in a way where like, I would feel pain, but it wasn't like I didn't even like, I almost disassociate from the feelings. And so I like, wouldn't even, you'll be like, isn't that really painful? I'm like, it's fine. Like just completely disassociated from that. So just curious if that, that's how it happened for you. Yeah. It took that self awareness away from me, I think of just, When people, for example, when people are on drugs, they're like, I feel this, this, and this, and this. And for me, it was like, no, I feel normal. Yeah. I feel fine. Totally. Yeah. And really deep inside where I did like fake orgasms, which a lot of women do that. Yeah. I was just like, I don't know what that feels like. Yeah. I've never felt that before. I don't feel safe in my body. So I'm just gonna show up how I know best. Yeah. Totally. And how they want me to. Yep. Being that people pleaser where they want me to act like this so I'm gonna act like this. Yeah. Totally. But yeah, it was, um, he ended up going to live with my grandma and grandpa, the one who passed away of pancreatic cancer, and I stayed with my grandma and grandpa, my mom's mom, and her remarried husband. Um, I think I had a beautiful life from then on out. When I was eight, I, I found out a terrible way. I was lied to. I was completely devastated when I found this out. But when I was eight, I, I would call my mom every day, even though she was getting help going through rehab, like I knew I was gonna go back home soon. And We had a trip planned that October to go to Disneyland altogether, and I've never gone to Disneyland with my mom, and so for me, I was like, Oh, Disney! So excited, yeah. So excited, and She ended up going into a coma. Oh my goodness. Um, she overdosed, went into a coma. She was in a coma for a week at this point. And I was like, my whole family is bawling. And talking about funeral stuff and talking about all this stuff. And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, what is going on? And my grandma says, Oh, it's just your great grandma. And I was like, okay, me as a little one, grandma is, you kind of expect, they've lived a great life. They've had that experience. And to me, I was like, I, deep in my gut, I know that's not my great grandma, but I'm just going to roll with it because I trust you. Yeah. another week goes by and my other grandma says, You need to tell her, like, you need to tell the kids what's about to happen, like, what's going on. And, so they finally told me, and they were like, your mom's in a coma, we don't think she's gonna make it. And, I just broke down. I couldn't cry. I was just in shock, I had no emotion, and I walked outside and got on one of those little swivel scooters and was just riding around because I didn't know what to do. Yeah. My emotion was just shock. Yeah. And. It goes back to the like disassociating, like, like that's, as kids, that's how we protect ourselves. We just like step away. We're like, Oh, that's too much. I can't handle that. That's exactly what I felt. Yeah. And. Then she, they took me to the hospital and I walked in and my mom was connected to all of these tubes and it freaked me out. Oh yeah. I was like, I can't even imagine what the Fs is going on. Yeah. And her toes were all painted perfect, her nails were painted, and you could tell that my family's been there for a while and I got taken, I got robbed from that experience. Yeah. I felt like. Yeah. Um, and in a coma, I don't know if you've ever had that experience, but in a coma, you can feel, you can cry, but you just can't talk. So half your brain is shut off and you just are kind of limp. Yeah. And I walked in and her whole body was swollen. I gave her a hug and I just started bawling, like screaming, hysterical, like, what is happening? Why are you, what's going on? And. I hugged her and wouldn't let go, just bawling, and I looked at her face and just tears started streaming from her face. And at this point, my whole family knew that they had to unplug and rip the cord so she could go on and live a better life, and so she wouldn't be a vegetable. And so that was my last goodbye, seeing her connected to all of these tubes, just, uh, And barely knowing what was going on because no one had told you. So my aunt and my grandma took me from that room and they were like, let's go get you a smoothie or something to eat. And I was like, Oh, no, thank you. Seriously. But no, thank you. Yeah. So we went into a shop, and there was these beautiful necklaces, and they said like, mother, sister, daughter, whatever. And it had a purple band around it, and leather, and she was like, here, I'm gonna get us all of these necklaces, and we can wear them, whatever. And that was pretty cool. The last time, and as we walked out of the shop, she looked out the window and the clouds were coming out from under, or from behind the sun. And she was like, do you see that? And it was just glowing, like the rays were shooting into the clouds. And I was like, yeah. And she goes, the gates have opened. Your mom is going on. She's in a much better place now. And I was just like, ah, I can't express that feeling I felt to this day. It was just disbelief. Like, who do I trust? Who do I count on? Oh, I can't, yeah. And then. Nobody was honest with me, like, and I'm just being told this right now and I could have had these moments, like, I just can't even imagine that. And at eight years old, like, that's so much for an eight year old to process. I have an eight year old daughter and I'm just thinking like, I can't imagine. Her trying to process that and like, let's go get a smoothie. And like, now your mom's like all in one day. Like that is so much. Yeah. And I missed school for a month. I got pulled out and I just couldn't do it. And I couldn't take all of my friends were. LDS, we're in the church, and with someone who suffers from addiction, and who passes from that, our family got so much judgment from our ward, from that space, where it was like, And I had questions of, well, if she sins, yeah, then where does she go? Oh, and it's not heaven. Oh, that's so heavy. You have to be perfect. And then everyone was like, well, once they pass, they can have the choice to forgive or you can like go on from there, right? Yeah. And I was just like, no, no. And they'd bring us food. And I was like, no, no flowers. Aren't going to bring anyone. You're not going to bring your family back. And so the best thing for me was just spending time with people, distracting myself, going out, being with nature, trying to reconnect that piece of myself. Did you know at that point, because you were eight, did you know your mom was struggling with addiction? I mean, I had an idea just because we were back and forth, back and forth, we never had stability. Yeah. So I had the idea, yeah, but I didn't know. What that meant, really. Yeah, and I didn't know it was a disease, and I didn't know how much it affected people. Yeah. So. Well, I think that's even still misunderstood. Like I think society is getting better, but also like there is so much judgment involved when it comes to addiction. And it's like, dude, why are we judging? Like they're fighting, they're trying their very best and they're fighting something really hard. Like we should have compassion, not judgment. And I think everybody is doing their best is what they're capable in that moment. Of in that moment. So I've kept that with me every time. I'm like, why am I being so hard on myself? I'm doing my best. Yeah, I love that. But yeah, um, so did you go to her funeral? I went to her funeral and at this point my dad had been so far out of our lives that He'd just kind of gone. Yeah, and When I get there, we all looked so cute and all in matching dresses. Yeah, just ready for it and in the back of my mom's funeral or Viewing my dad was sitting there sobbing and my whole family was like, what is he doing here? He doesn't deserve to be here like through all the hurt and pain. He caused her He was super abusive like growing up. We were We lived in a cute place in South Jordan in a condo and he ended up trying to kidnap me and my mom super protective mother bear instincts kicked in and she Ran after and grabbed onto my hand in a moving car. Oh my gosh She was holding on to the car and he was going 40 miles per hour. Just dragging her She almost died then from road rash. Oh my goodness. Just Terrible stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah, so The funeral I feel like was very peaceful except for that moment. Yeah, I was like, why are you here? Yeah, that would be so hard. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Um But after I lost my mom, I think I was longing for a mother figure I was longing for that connection with another person who I could tell everything to have that close relationship with And my aunt, Jenny, she was my uncle's wife. Um, school teacher, she taught me preschool. She ended up moving on to first grade and was amazing. Like, got me into Young Women's again. Just got me into all of these great things that I never thought I was capable of before. And, Um, I'd help her set up her classroom every year. I had helped her just get adjusted and all of that. And it was my favorite thing to do. And in 2016, I lost her and her daughter, Brooklyn. We have a timeshare in Bear Lake and they were out enjoying their time. And. All of a sudden I get a call and they're like, Jenny in Brooklyn passed away. And I was like, No. Oh, stabbed to the heart. Seriously. I'm shaking right now because that feeling just never fully goes away. It doesn't. It lives in you. Yeah. And every time I get a call, I hate getting calls. Oh, I can't even, I know. I can't even imagine. No, don't call me unsolicited because I think someone's dead. Yeah, it's fair. That's a fair, valid response. Um, but I got that call and I was at my best friend's house at that time. And I'm like, how old were you here? I was 16. Okay. so I get that call and I'm just like in shambles, devastated, broken, Um, they were like, do you want to go like go down there? And I was like, I don't know. Yeah I don't know if I could do that. Whatever Um, anyway, it took them about I think five hours to find brooklyn after she had drowned so both of them drowned and What had happened is Brooklyn and her cousin Kate were on a little tube and it had drifted out because in Bear Lake, if anyone's been there, there's so much wind. Oh yeah, there is just come out of nowhere. Yeah. Pushes you out. Totally. And if you were to know my uncle, he is so safe and such an advocate for safety. And he's the type of person you get in the car seatbelts. Oh yeah. Go swimming life jacket. Yeah. That kind of guy. And, so her and Kate were on a tube. Kate has a halo that screwed into her head to like help her jawline or whatever. And all of a sudden the wind picks up and they get drifted and they're just talking, playing. Nobody knows like, yeah. And Jenny goes, you guys are way too far. You guys have to start coming back now. Like you're getting way too far. And Kate realized, Oh shoot, I'm 50 yards out. And started panicking and fell into the water and she can't get her halo wet. So Brooklyn's kind little heart jumps in after her and holds her up. Oh my goodness. And as she's drowning, holding her above water so she was okay. And it's just risking your life for someone else. Or sacrifice. Yeah. And Brooklyn ended up going under and they didn't find her for like five hours after she went under. Jenny. Ended up going out this whole time. Josh was finding goggles for them so they can see under the water and see what was going on. And, so Jenny starts running out and she's diving for Brooklyn, like just frantic at this point. And She ends up not being able to do it anymore, runs out of all energy and goes under with her. That was hard. Yeah. I am shaking right now, just the feelings of that. Being brought up and she's your mother figure at this point, right? So to me, I'm like I lost both my mom's I lost my little sister. Yeah felt like and Yeah, I have like no family back at home either except for my grandparents who I can't trust at this point yeah, and Yeah, and so we get to the funeral part and I grew up always doing Brooklyn's hair like these Super crazy braids just so drastic and she loved it So cute, and so they asked me do you want to? Get them ready, like do their hair. And I was like, ah, so scary. I don't know if I could do like in my 16 year old mind, a dead person's hair. Yeah, totally. That is scary. Yeah. Do you want a blanket? Do you want a blanket? Would that help? You can have this one so you don't have to. It's a little cold down here, but also it might be a trauma. Like I get a shake for my trauma when I talk about my trauma. I'm like, why am I shaking? I'm not like nervous. Yeah, no, I totally get it. Yeah, it does. Sorry. Go ahead. Um, So that ended up passing on and did you do their hair? I did their hair. OK. And they ended up getting buried right next to each other. So they were kind of stacked like. cuddling each other and it was precious, but at the same time I'm like, oh, but, um, we get past that. And then, so before they passed away, my grandpa passed away that same year from pancreatic cancer. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And then that happens. And then a few months later, my aunt, she was trying to get custody of her son at the time, and the dad was crazy. Like, nuts. And they were in court for it, and She ended up, she was like, no, I'm fighting until the very end and she was on her way to work one day and he knew where she lived and followed her and at that first stoplight right by her neighborhood gets out of his truck. Comes up to her window and shoots her in the head three times with a shotgun. Oh my gosh. And so at this point, me and my family are like, Can we get a freaking break? Like literally. Like what? Do we have just this curse on us? Like how do we break it? And you're 16 still? Is this? It's all in 2016. Oh my goodness. And who's who are you with at this point? Um, I was back with my grandparents. Okay. Yeah. And So then a thought in my head, I was like, I, since my mom witnessed domestic violence, like it was all over in our family. I was like, maybe I need to go into domestic violence therapy. Yeah. Nope. Way too triggering. I can't even. Yeah. No, not for me. Not for me. But that happens. Everything's great. I feel like Loss together brought our family closer together because you don't know when the last time you'll be able to see someone is Yeah, so that happens and then I get in so much trouble my junior year I'm 17 trying to tackle the hardest year of high school and oh my gosh And you've had all of this stuff recently happen. Like I just can't even imagine trying to Operate in a day to day life after all of that. It's so much Little me too, and I am such a perfectionist and I Would lay my outfits out every single night and my grandparents were like, oh, we don't have to worry about you Yeah, i'm like no i'm trying to be so perfect. Yeah because of all this shit. This is a coping mechanism Like yeah Read the room No, they couldn't no, of course, yeah um, but I got in a ton of trouble and I don't know if this is appropriate to say on podcast, but I did get into like some drugs. I got into, you can say whatever you want on the podcast. I started smoking weed, a lot of weed. I started sloughing school. I started drinking. And prior to this, I was Mormon. Like that was not in my book who I wanted to be. And I just got in the wrong crowd. And And honestly, like me looking in, it makes so much sense, right? It's like, let's numb these feelings. Like there are so big and like, so in your body. And like, if you don't have the tools, like you're going to find tools that work and those work for people. It do serve like they serve at some point. Right. Until they don't work anymore, but this, this thing is giving me friends, some type of closeness, connection, connection, totally. And after that year had passed, I was like, this is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. I need to transfer schools. And so I transferred schools that year and. Um, I got through the transfer, they accepted me, all of that kind of stuff. And when I turned 17, I got kicked out of my grandparents house. And I think all of their anger, resentment, just, grief brings anger, grief brings pain. And grief makes you do things that you didn't think you were capable of doing. Especially when you don't deal with that grief. When you like bury it and like it just festers, yeah, it's gonna bring up stuff for sure. And so I became the troubled child, which I never was. And I got kicked out. And at this point I've been an all star cheer most of my life. So super competitive, super family orientated. And this family, I'll, I do want to say their name on here, but the Olsons, they didn't even know me, didn't know who I was, what I stood for, what any of my values were. And they. Granted, they'd also lost their mom. And so having that empathy for me, um, their dad just took me in, paid for my car fixes, paid for my gas, helped me through everything. Everything. I wouldn't have graduated if it weren't for that family. I ended my senior year with a 3. 8. Wow. Just like blew it out of the water. Yeah. I was like, wow, where did this come from? I'm pretty cool. Um. That is actually, let's take a moment and celebrate that. I didn't know. Cause that's actually huge. All of the stuff, like you had every odd stacked against you. For you to even finish high school is incredible. And then for you to finish with that high of a G like that's, you should be so proud of yourself. That's bad ass. It was bad ass, but I take that moment of celebration and I look back to my junior year when I was getting in trouble and hurt me fake asking people to homecoming because my boyfriend cheated on me. Like the kind of person I was. Yeah. And I got called into the principal's office for fake asking someone to homecoming. And she goes, like, Tell me about yourself. What is going on with you? Her name was Mrs. M'Baku. We did not get along very well. And so I, my whole life has been an open book. I've never felt like I've needed to carry anything with me as long as I needed to. So I told her everything and she says to me, wow, I'm surprised you're not roaming the street, shooting up the street, shooting up schools. Like, I'm surprised you're not pretty much a villain. And I was just like, give grace to anyone who has her. And she, her husband was a lawyer. Her kids were in law school. She was a principal, whatever. She had this put together life. She had a different perspective for sure. And I was just like, yeah, I'm not, am I supposed to be proud of that? Because I feel like anyone who goes through hurt should know that there's a better way. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I then, after I got kicked out, I disconnected myself from my entire family, almost. I. Disconnected myself from my mom's parents, um, almost everyone because they had this type of love where I give you something and I'll dangle it over your head and I expect something in return. It's control. Yeah. Totally. And to me, control is not love. No. Freedom is love. Yeah. Freedom is the truest form of love in my opinion. Totally. Um, and so I was just like, I don't need you. They ended up taking my car that I was paying for, my phone, my Wii, Like just all the stuff that made you brought you happiness. Yeah, they took it all away and I was just like, Hey, take it. That stuff will always come back. But the piece that I feel in my heart that is not all the time certain. Yeah. And so I said, take it, but I don't want to speak to any of you really long time because I need to cope with this. I need to heal from this. And as much as I love you and I need my family and I know how much life is important. I don't need this in my life. That doesn't serve anyone, you or them to be treating you like that. Yeah. And so I cut everyone out. I went into yoga training, got yoga certified. I. started going to therapy and she was a trauma certified therapist who I adore so much. Um, but she taught me what my brain was doing and when you are in a super traumatic experience, Through all of those experiences, it changes your brain and how it lights up and all of the cognitive thinking. Yeah. It's completely different. Totally different. Yeah. So I just went on this huge healing journey and I'm so thankful for it. And it took me, I just reconnected with my family this year. Oh wow. So it's very recent. It's been a long, yeah, it's recent. It's been a long time since I distanced myself, but I'm so thankful for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. of knowing, okay, here is their stuff they've taught me and put on me and tried to get me to understand and here is my true thought, my true feeling, what I've discovered and what I've gathered and put to pieces. Yeah. And so, yeah, can I ask what the turning point was for you? Because it's pretty incredible that you just started like diving in. First of all, let's go back to when you were like, I need to change schools. Like that's huge awareness. I mean, you're in high school at this point and you're like, have this huge awareness of like, these people aren't who I want to be with. So let's change schools. That's huge. And then you dove into like, okay, let me cut my family off and do some healing on my own. Let me do these things that serve me. Like, what was the turning point there? Do you think? I think really finding self worth. I knew I deserved more than that. I knew I deserved more than being lied to or having any resentment towards anyone. And to me, I think I never have been a person where I blame people for certain things. It's like, What can I do to create a better turning point for myself? Mm-Hmm. Of what can I, looking internally. Yeah. Asking myself instead of going outwards and asking all of these other people for advice. Yeah. I just really trusted myself. That's huge. Yeah. To go through what you went through and then still be able to trust yourself like that is Yeah. Huge. It's so inspiring. Thank you. Yeah. I didn't think I had it in me, honestly. I was like, you did. You do. I do! You do, yeah. That's incredible. It was a hard choice to make, too. Yeah, scary, I'm sure. Yeah, especially alone. Like, you didn't have anyone to really turn to, and like, you weren't like, hey, so and so, like, you love me, tell me, What to do here or like you said you just dove right into yourself, which is actually huge and like that's how we heal But most people it takes them way longer and way more I don't know that you were just very self aware for at such a young age, which is really cool My gram that I currently live with now. She always says to me. Who are you? Where'd you come from? You are nothing like Anyone in our family, I didn't learn these things until I was 60. Like, who are you? You're the eighth wonder. You're the cycle breaker. I go back to that point when I was talking about passing away in the helicopter. Yeah. Of, I feel like I got a blessing and a gift to change the world. Yeah. I felt like it's been with me ever since then, and I've gotten a second chance, and I'm gonna keep that second chance. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. You can keep, I know you have more stuff that, like, we've talked about. It's just so much. It's so good, though. Like, you have so much good stuff to tell people. It is a lot, but I want to get to the point where I'm like, and here's the goodness of Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's not just This is not a sob story. Yeah, totally. Um, but Yeah, I am writing a book right now. So exciting. I do photography, and so I kind of want to do, uh, poetry, put all of my poems in there, my healing journey, a coffee table book. I'll be your first purchase. I love poetry. But I don't want it to be serious. Yeah. Books I read that are way too serious. Yeah. You want it to be fun? Yeah, I want it to be fun. I love that. I want it to be rewarding. Yeah. So, yeah. Um, and I think the best lesson I've ever learned is letting go of the outcome. Let go of a perfect family. Let go of what you could be, or should be, or shouldn't be. Just let go. So beautiful. Just surrender. Right? Right. I talked about this on one of my podcasts of like, when you like let the waves crash with you, like you get through it not only smoother, but so much faster than if you're trying to fight against the waves, like life is trying to work for you. It really is. It's not trying to work like against you. It's really trying to like propel you to what you're supposed to be. If you just surrender and let it. And it's so cool. And I always looked back on Brooklyn's death, like how can an 11 year old, who was perfect in my eyes, how could you take her? Yeah. And she was fighting so hard, and I've had dreams about it, of just her like fighting and fighting and fighting, and whatever is above us. Knew that she was too good for this earth, but he needed her to do work elsewhere Yeah, and not here such a beautiful perspective. That's helped me a ton. Yeah, what other things have helped you? Well as you've been on your healing journey, I do think grief can shape you or it can kill you I think it can create a a legacy for yourself and you can help other people with your grief or it can put you in the ground and you can create a sob story you can create sorrow for yourself and be a victim suffering for yourself like you're the own creator of your own suffering and so I think just I do want people to understand that there are two paths to every situation in life. If it's loss, if it's something small, like getting pulled over, getting a ticket, you can look at it as a blessing, like, well, what if I were to drive 20 more minutes, I could have died in a car accident. Or, just looking at, changing your perspective, looking at things as, you know, a gift instead of a, what's the word I'm looking for? Burden or a, like something that hurt you. Right. Um, have you read the book Existential Kink? No. Okay, you should read that. It's exactly what you're talking about. I think you would love it, but it's all about like, She says finding the kink in things, but like it's that is like changing your perspective of like, even if something was awful and hard and terrible, like actually, what if that was to make me be able to have this compassion that I have, or this understanding of grief to help other people so that as I move forward in my life and do what I'm called to do. Actually have the tools now to help those people. It's so cool. Yeah. I need a new ring. Yay It's really good Yes But with what you were saying, I'll just hop right back in yeah with that book I would love to read it though because people think, there's people who go through the, this extreme amount of grief and think they're right about everything. They know everything, there's nothing they can take from it, they are right, whatever. And when I was going through my yoga training, I had a lesson of we are all teachers and we are all students. I love that. Even if you teach a thousand people. Be a student to a thousand people. Yes. I love that so much. We're learning something new every single day. Yeah. And same with if I were to get pulled over and I cried about it. Well, what if? Yeah. Let that be a teacher. Yeah. I love that. I love it so much. It's like, if you're a coach, have a coach. If you're this, you know, like you can always be learning always. And that's so cool and beautiful. Yeah. Um, with life itself, I didn't know how to regulate my emotions for a long time. And I, it's still something I struggle with to this day. So hard because One day I'll be fine, and one day I'm in shambles trying to pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together. Yeah, and I just have this thought in my head that I say to myself all the time, in order to heal we must howl. We must scream. We must yell. We must ask for help. We need. Yeah. You're not on your own. No, not alone. You're never alone. There's always somebody that can relate or will be there for you or, but you have to ask. You have to take that step. It's so important. And for me, I saw a picture of a wolf howling at a moon and I was like, he's asking for something. Yeah, he's hungry. He needs more. Yeah, and that is why I have such a strong connection to the moon. People are like, oh, you crazy hippie. You're like, no. There's some truth in there. Yeah. Totally. Yeah, I love that. So Asking for help is number one that has helped me on this healing journey. And then, I think another one is trying my hardest to seek my family where they are. See them where they are, feel what they're feeling, having empathy for them. Um, my grandparents didn't come from, A stable household and I for a long time resented them for not giving me that safe place, but at the same time they didn't know better. Yeah. So meeting them where they are and creating that connection with them has helped me so much of understanding. Yeah. Like why am I the way I am? Yeah. I've said before, like in my story, it was so easy to make my mom the villain. Like it was so easy when you're in victim mode. Like it's so easy to be like, she did this wrong and she did that wrong. And she projected this trauma on me. But then I look back and I'm like, she literally broke so many other cycles that I don't and so many other generational things that I don't even have to deal with. And she did the best to her capacity. She couldn't address some things, but that's because she didn't have the tools or the ability. And it's like when we can meet people where they're at and we see that, and we can be grateful for our lives and how we've overcome and like what that taught us. And, and when we can look at those things and be like, that's actually why I'm the reason I am the way I am and who I am. What power in that? Like we take back all of our power. It's so cool. Yeah. No. I love that you brought that up. Thank you. So are you. It takes so much time. It does. People are like, Oh yeah, I just forgive someone overnight. And then look at all the other burdens that are brought up with being able to forgive someone overnight. Yeah. And like nothing ever happened. Oh yeah. It's going to come up eventually. Right. Yeah. It's going to keep coming up. Yeah. It'll just keep coming up. It's always there. Yeah. And I love that you brought up generational curses or traumas because my whole goal is to. Break those traditional curses or traumas or create something where my children, their grandkids, their grandkids, like on and on and on, they don't have to deal with the same hurt that I've dealt with. Because I took that step back, re evaluated my whole life and rewrote the f ing script. Yeah, you did. And it's so, it's fun for me because I'm like, that's what my whole podcast is, right? Is like celebrating people like you that are like literally breaking the cycles. Like your kids and your grandkids will not have to have that pain. You were willing and you were strong enough to come here and say, I'll take it. I'll deal with it. I, I really believe like in whatever our life looked like before this, I believe we agreed to what we're playing out. And I think like, that's so. Freaking rad that you were like, I'll do it. I'll take the pain and I'll be the one that breaks the cycles. It just like lights me up. So I'm so proud of you. You're a whole, just, all right. You're so sweet. Thank you for being a safe space for me to share this super vulnerable thing. Yeah. I'm shaking, but it's not because I'm nervous. But, yeah. Thank you for trusting me. Is there anything else on your list that you want to share? I have a couple things I'm going to ask, but. Yeah. Um, I just think, I have two more things and I'll just read it script for script of be the master of your own destiny. You create your life, everything you want, you already have. If you wanted more, then you would go get more. It's so true. No matter the time it takes, you're on your journey too. I think so. Have you read? I keep bringing up books, but have you read Manifest by Roxy? I can't think of her last name. I just, I will, but I just finished this and she talks about, it's so much of like, we, our subconscious operates our lives and the stories that we've created that around our lives. Like what we believe operates our lives like our conscious doesn't actually that's not how we manifest anything if we don't truly believe that we're worth something or we don't truly believe we should get the thing that we want, we won't get it, but if we can go back to self love and self worth and put that in and start to truly believe and love ourselves. We can manifest anything we want. It's true. It's just like, but like exactly what you're saying is like, you are the master of your own destiny. It's your, you get in your own way. We all get in our own way. We create our own stuff. We do. It's so true. And that finishes what I'm going to say next to you. So perfectly of you're not what happened to you. Life isn't happening to me. It's happening for me. I love that. And that's where I. Yeah, so a couple questions for you. first question is what's next for you? What are you excited about for the future and like what's coming up for you? Yeah, I love that question. Um, I, I'm excited to start helping people. I'm excited to, for my book to come out. I'm excited for my yoga instructing journey to just launch and start hosting retreats and helping people worldwide because Utah really is such a small space and it looks like huge, but then You meet one person and they know 50 other people. So I can just branch out and help multiple people, multiple different personalities and go through that journey of just healing and letting people know they're not alone. That's what I'm most excited. I love that. Um, and then my last question is if someone listening right now is like in the depth of it, they're feeling really alone. They're feeling like their grief is consuming them. Like what would your advice be for them? Yeah. Going back to, In order to heal, you must tell, um, in order to fully heal, it takes time and nobody's ever fully healed. Nobody will ever be fully healed and it's a constant practice. So going back to the basics. I think making sure you're fed, making sure you're nurtured, you have mindfulness, you have a home, you have a warm bed, you have family, you can count on, you have at least one friend. You don't need a lot, but just so you feel less alone. none of us are alone. And so I think that's where I would start is. Branching out, asking for help, cry, feel, get therapy, don't get too much, because that can be a deep rabbit hole you don't want to explore and you feel like you can't solve anything on your own and you always need help, which you're so capable of doing things on your own. But. Having a community of good people. I love that. I think that's really cool too, because it speaks to your story when you said like, you're capable, like, look at what you've overcome and what you've been capable of by like going diving back into you. And not always externally looking for things, but saying like, actually I have what I need. Let me just feel, let me meet my basic needs. Let me get really clear and slow down. And I love that. That's really inspiring. Thank you so much for being here. You are seriously so inspiring. Your story's incredible. And the way that you tell it is beautiful. And I know there's going to be so many people that hear this and are like, Can relate and are going to be so inspired by you. Thank you. So are you. Thank you so much. And we did it. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen. It means the world to me. If you liked this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share on Instagram. If you're not following us, follow at eighthwonderdesigns, and remember, be proud of where you're at.