Episode 9: Let hope drive you to create the life that you want.- Amber Thompson

In this episode I talk with my friend Amber. We talk about her beautiful podcast, the life of a Lotus, and how she got to where she is. We talk about her experiences in childhood with parents struggling with addiction, moving around, and the pressure she felt to be what everyone expected her to be. She shares some of the ways she has healed and overcome her circumstances. 

Follow Amber and her incredible podcast "Life of a Lotus" here: 

https://open.spotify.com/show/5cW4olfdADoMr4XWCeplEj?si=aqp_4EZlQdup8tRw4IHiSQ&preview=coverart

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-of-a-lotus/id1722532104


Her instagram: 
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Transcript

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In the darkness, I found my light. In the broken, I found my fight. Through the struggles, I learned to soar. I rose above and I wanted more. I am the eighth wonder. Standing tall, I won't be torn asunder. I've healed the wounds I've overcome. I am the eighth wonder. The strongest one. Hello, and welcome to the 8th Wonder Podcast, inspiring you to be proud of where you're at, one story at a time. I'm your host, Ashley. Let's get started. Hello, and welcome to episode nine. Yay! Yay! I have my beautiful friend, Amber. Say hi! Hello! I'm so excited that you're here. I know. I'm so stoked to finally do this with you. I know. I'm so excited. Um, I'm so excited for you to tell your story. I have one question to ask beforehand that I just thought of that I think might be fun. If it's too much and you're like, Oh, that's okay. Um, if you could describe your story and what you have overcome in one word or one sentence, if one word is too hard and you can think about it for a minute, what would it be? Ooh. Um, I mean, A rollercoaster, I guess. There are a lot of times where I, when I'm talking to people about my story and I'm just like, wait, did I really live that? That feels like, it feels like ages ago. But it also, um, is just, Sometimes it's weird to me that I'm only 37 and I've been through all the stuff that I've been through. I know, it's actually insane. Like, I feel like I should be a 50 year old woman telling you all these things. Or like 80. Yeah. Because you've been through a lot. Yeah, it's, it's been a lot. So I guess probably if one word, just like a roller coaster. Yeah. It's been all over the place. Yeah. So yeah, that's a good one. I like it. Um, I want to start out with just what started you, what made you want to do a podcast? You have a podcast. And talk about that a little bit. So my podcast is Life of a Lotus. Um, the story behind that just really quickly is a lotus starts in the mud and the muck and rises above and becomes this beautiful blossom. And so it's just kind of a story of people who've been through that muck and who choose to rise above and become this beautiful blossom and also still pulling those nutrients and everything from their past. Like, they're not forgetting it. It's their motivation to become this, this blossom. Um, It's kind of funny, I always wanted to do a podcast for a really long time, but I just always thought it was going to be one of those fun podcasts where I'm sitting there with one of my girlfriends and we're drinking wine and just telling jokes back and forth and gossiping. Um, and then I just remember at our first Gentle Warrior retreat, um, I think it was like the second night and I just had this big aha of like, I have to do this podcast. And in my intro, um, my application, To gentle warrior for Taryn and she's having us like what are your goals? What are some things you want to accomplish in your lifetime? And one of the things I have always known I wanted to do was to help other women And I didn't know in what capacity that would be Ben and I struggled with fertility and I knew that that was something I wanted to help with help women with and as well as Just normalizing some of the things that you go to becoming a new mom your mental health and just different things that have been, I feel like, such a small scale for me in comparison to what other women go through. So I just kind of had this like, I don't know, I just want to help women with all of these things. So I knew it had something to do with that. And then the more I got talking to Taryn and a couple of other people in our group, um, Taryn was like, why don't you just tell your story? And she, we're talking about it and I'm just telling her about my life and how I grew up. She's like, boom, you have ten episodes right there just talking about how you grew up up to age nine. Yeah. And so it was just kind of this evolution of what it became and now it's become this, just, I love it. It's this passion project that I'm so obsessed with. Oh, and it's so beautiful. And I love the like, The description of the lotus flower like that that viewpoint is like so beautiful. Thank you Yeah, that one was kind of funny because I I wanted a tattoo and my cousin had sent me this, um, Lotus Mandala tattoo. And so I, I'm really big on looking up the symbolism and the meaning behind things. And so I looked up the meaning behind Mandala and then I looked up the meaning behind Lotus. And as soon as I saw it, and I was in the process of trying to figure out a name and my brain was like, so blank. But as soon as I saw what the meaning behind a Lotus was, I was like, That's it. I just had chills all over my body and I like hurried and sent it to Ben and hurried and sent it to Tara and I was like, I think I found it. I love that so much. Um, so there is so much of your story I actually don't know. So I'm actually really excited to hear and I'm going to just like give it over to you to start. And so much for being here. We'll go from there. Okay. Um, so I was born in Colorado Springs. My mom and my dad, I guess you could call them high school sweethearts. They met when they were 15. Um, they were 17 when they had me. My mom turned 18 a few weeks later and my dad turned 18 a few months later. Um, they were together up until I was about six months old. My dad became really controlling and abusive. Um, and kind of used me as a way to manipulate my mom. Um, there was one at one point, I think I was about three months old. And of course this is all I've heard from my mom. Um, I was about three months old and she left to surprise him to go get some kittens. They had another roommate and she said, Hey, I'll be right back. Can you just watch Amber? My dad was asleep. And, uh, when she came back, She couldn't find me anywhere. Oh my god. And she was just begging and pleading and yelling at him for an hour to Just give me back. And I guess what he had done is he had told the neighbors, he had taken me over to the neighbors and I don't know what he told them Yeah. Was going on, but eventually they heard, after about an hour, they heard my parents fighting and came over and were like, Amber's over here. She's safe. Oh. Um, my mom, poor mom. I, I can't, I mean, 15 minutes would be torture, but an hour my heart would be. all over the place. But, um, yeah, so my mom eventually tried to leave my dad. She had to move a couple of times because he kept finding out where we were. Um, and of course she's 18 years old, single mom, doesn't have a lot of money to be going all over the place. So she's just finding apartments and some of them were even in the same complex. But, um, at one point she said he snuck into her apartment and Had time to get me dressed and put me in my car seat and was tiptoeing out of the room He was trying to kidnap me And he had she woke up and she's like, what are you doing? He's like, I was just gonna take her for a drive I just missed my dog. I just wanted to see her and she's like in the middle of the night Yeah You can call me and we can make plans and I she said that he had left a picture of himself on her nightstand and said something along the lines of like See you later, type of a thing. Like, I'll never see you again, type of a thing. And, um, so yeah, so she was, she was very worried because it didn't seem like he had any limits. He was gonna do anything. Um, so eventually she got a hold of her mom, my grandma, um, her name's Lonnie. And, um, My grandma Lonnie was able to move both my mom and I to Utah when I was about six months old. Okay. I remember talking to my dad on the phone a couple of times when I was little. Eventually, my mom let him talk to me. He didn't find out where we were for a few months, three or four months, I think. And, um, the first time that I met him was, I want to say I was three or four. Um, by that time he had moved from Colorado up to Michigan, which is where my grandpa, his dad lived. Um, and who my grandpa had remarried and had other kids, my, so my dad had some siblings up there too. And, um, So we, somehow my parents decided to give it another shot. We moved up to Michigan for a short amount of time. So that was my first time meeting him. Oh wow. And some of my first memories of him, I mean we have good memories of like sledding and going fishing and um, I don't think we were up there for very long, only a few months, but I do remember him being abusive to my mom. Um, I remember him actually hitting her. While we were in the car at one point, that's like one of my first memories, um, is me sitting in the back seat. They had been to a party, they picked me up from the babysitter and they were fighting when they picked me up, um, and he just reached over and whacked her, whacked her, yeah, um, and so I remember her having, you know. He'd hit her in the nose and so she had two black eyes. Oh my gosh. And that wasn't the first time I remember her having black eyes a couple of times while we were up there. Yeah. So we left and um, moved back to Utah. My mom met somebody else who he was in our life for, I think they were together for 10 years. Okay. And he was a father figure to me. I mean he taught me how to and um, taught me how to We would go camping all the time, and so, uh, he was a great guy for a little while. They got into the partying lifestyle, and they were partying so hard that my mom was the one who was supporting us most of the time. And he couldn't keep a job. Um, we moved around quite a lot. After that we moved to, um, so his name is Gordon. Mm hmm. We moved back to Colorado Springs for a short amount of time. I remember him being abusive to my mom as well. I don't remember seeing him hit her, but I remember them yelling and her being scared of him. Yeah. Um, they broke up and got back together several times at one point. Yeah. He held a gun to her head and threatened to shoot her. Oh my goodness. Were you there? I wasn't, I wasn't there. I don't, I don't even remember if I was in the house. I remember it had happened. And so we moved to live with my aunt for a short amount of time. And I remember talking to my cousin about it and she asked me, why does your mom keep going back to Gordon? And I was like, I don't know. Yeah. And I remember at one point, how old was I? Um, I think I was seven and we lived in West Valley here in Utah. Um, they were fighting and I was just so sick of it at that point. Like at that point I was just done with him. Yeah. Great guy, but please leave. And she was telling him that, uh, she wanted him out of the house. And so I went into the bedroom. I remember this. I went into the bedroom and I pulled all of his clothes off of the hangers and like shoved them. There were some boxes still in the closet. And I just like shoved them in the boxes and like, Pulled him out into the living room. My mom's like, what are you doing? And I was like, he's leaving. Isn't he? And, um, yeah. So, and then I, uh, let me see. So. I'm dying. Like I can just picture cute little seven year old Amber, like, and we're done. Yeah. Bye. Bye. Peace out. Um, but yeah, so we moved around a little bit. We moved to, my mom and I moved to Texas when they broke up. Um, my uncle, my mom's older brother lived down there. And so we moved there to get away from him. He followed us. They worked things out, got back together. We moved back to Utah. Um, at one point we. We're going to move to Kentucky where my mom's dad lives, my grandpa. And my grandma, so my grandma and grandpa got divorced when my mom was 12. Okay. Um, but my grandma was like all for this move. So she came over to help us. Pack everything and move out and the last night that she was there and I was stoked My mom had taken me out of the school there We had plans to we didn't know how long we were gonna stay in Kentucky, but it was gonna be long enough So my grandpa had already looked into the elementary school there and I was amped about it. Yeah And the last night when we were about to we're supposed to leave the next morning Apparently my mom and Gordon had talked and decided to try again. My grandma was pissed. I was pissed I was eight years old at this point. I think I was about to turn eight and I wanted to go So my mom thought well Maybe it would be a good idea if she went and then it would give me and Gordon a chance to kind of work things Out and get back on our feet. And so I The plan continued. It was just that I was the only one that went we're going alone. Yeah, so my grandma Drove to Kansas met up with my grandpa. My grandpa drove back the rest of the way and I lived with my grandpa Let's see, I finished out second grade there so my mom And my grandma made a road trip out to come and see me and the plan was to get me and take me back. Yeah. My grandma knew that my mom would have done better just staying out there. And so she talked to my grandpa and said, I'm gonna just leave her here. She woke up early and just peaced out and my mom was really mad at first, but once we kind of started making friends and she was able, she was using at the time and so she was able to get clean while we were out there and get a job. My grandpa helped her get a car and then she and Gordon worked things out again. So we moved back to Utah and um, I'm trying to think, and then um, that was when we, gosh this is where it gets a little bit blurry, um, So that was when we moved to, oh we went to help some friends. And this is something that I kind of talk about in my first episode of my podcast. So, um, my mom and her and Gordon had a friend that said, hey, you can come and stay in my house. Just take care of my kids. I'm going to be going to jail. I paid the rent. I paid the utilities. Um, you guys can just stay here. And you'll have a place to live. And at that point we had been couch surfing, we had been living in our car, we'd been living, we had a fifth wheel on the back of our truck where we'd been parking it in people's driveways and it was never hooked up to water or power or anything. So we were literally sleeping in there. And then, um, like if I had to pee in the middle of the night, I had to pee in a cup and like dump it outside. And, um, we, And all the other kids that I knew at that age were living kind of the same way or very similar, so I didn't know much different. Yeah, it felt super normal. Yeah, it was very normal to me. And so we had our fifth will, we were staying at this house, and I don't know if the friend just didn't know how long he was going to be gone, or um, didn't pay enough or what, but it ended up that the water and the power ran out in the house. And so he had five kids ranging from 15 to two. Oh, wow. Um, his wife had passed away the year before. And, um, so my parents are taking care of six kids. I was, I think I was eight or nine at the time. Um, I think I was still eight, but, um, So yeah, when the water and the power went out, we had flashlights, us kids would sleep in the house, and my parent, or my mom and her boyfriend would sleep in the fifth wheel. If we had to go to the bathroom, we couldn't flush the toilets, so we would pee inside in the toilets, but if we had to poop, we would dig a hole in the backyard, poop, and then bury it. Like dogs. So sad. So, um, yeah. And then, We, I don't know why they had the brilliant idea of let's take these five kids and we had two puppies. Oh wow. Let's take, or I guess six kids counting me, let's take these six kids and two puppies up to the mountains and go camping. So we go camping, we get stuck up there. Um, the kids, I think it was their oldest sister, or it might have been their aunt, came and got them eventually. Oh, okay. Um, and my mom didn't know what to do. Uh, Gordon had gone down the mountain to get gas and he'd been, gotten stuck for a couple of days. And so my mom called her cousin. who is more like an aunt to me. Yeah. She came and got me. Did you have food at this time or anything? Yeah, we had, we had food. You were just stuck. We were just stuck because we didn't have gas to leave. Okay. Um, and, and we had two trailers. We had a pop up trailer and the fifth wheel on our truck. Okay. And, um, and two puppies. So we, my mom's cousin comes to get me. And she has my mom signed some papers and my, our cousin just told my mom that it was basically paper so that I could, if I needed to go to the doctor or depending on how long it took, if she could enroll me in school. Yeah. That kind of a thing. What she was really signing was paperwork saying she was an unfit mother and, um, signing away her custody basically. She had no idea. My mom didn't read it. She was just in a panic and like, yeah, sure. Of course, if she has to go to the hospital, I'll let you take her. Um, okay. So I just remember, um, that I had to like get dressed nice to have meetings with people sometimes. And I didn't understand why and my cousin told me, well it's so that we can find out, you know, if you need to go to school or we can whatever. And then eventually she told me it's to find out if you need to get a new mom and dad. And I didn't really understand. Yeah. My mom wasn't allowed to see me. Um, so. It, it was all very vague, but I didn't really understand why I needed to have another mom. I remember telling her, like, I already have a mom. They're like, this is normal to me. Yeah. Why are we doing this? Why do I need a new mom? Yeah, exactly. And I never, to be clear, I never felt unloved. I never felt abandoned or uncared for. My mom always made sure I had food to eat. She always made sure that I was clean and had a place to sleep and that we had, A safe place to be. Everything she could give you. Right, exactly. Everything that she could give me in that situation. So I never felt unloved or abused or abandoned or anything like that at the time. Um, so what I found out later is that the day that the papers went through, and I think it was later that day I was supposed to go into foster care, that morning my grandpa and my mom Came and got me to take me back out to Kentucky. So basically my mom, she had to show that she had a job and a stable place to live and the only thing that she knew to do at that time was to call my grandpa. Um, and so we moved back out to Kentucky again. Um, I was there for part of third grade. Okay. And for me it was great because like I had said bye to all of these friends. Yeah. You got to go back and see them. Yeah, and so I go back and hear all my friends, and they're like, Amber, you're back! Aw, cute. It was great, and I loved living out there. My grandpa bred horses for a living, so he had a lot of horses. He has a lot of, he still lives out there and has a lot of land. Yeah. Um, it just was like, a country song. Oh yeah, so beautiful. Yeah, and um, we had a lot of friends that we would go four wheeling with them and have barbecues out on their land. It was just, I loved it out there. Yeah. Um, my mom and Gordon got back together again. Yeah. And throughout this time he was in and out of jail too, so that's part of the time when he was MIA or when we moved somewhere. Yeah. Um, so at this point, I believe it was right before I turned. nine or I had just turned nine. Yeah, I think I was nine. We moved back out to Utah. We lived in Provo and, um, we found some program. I don't know what the program was, if it was through the church or if it was through the state or what, but they helped us find a house to live in, um, helped us get food and our house settled in and everything. Um, both my mom and Gordon were still using at the time. Um, they were addicted to meth. Did you know, like as a kid, I know like looking back you know, but like do you, do you remember at all like that you knew they were using drugs? No, I never knew. I, well, let me clarify. I never knew until when we lived in that house, um, with the no running water. Yeah. Um, Gordon was really big on being honest with me. To a fault. Like, too honest? Too honest. And at one point I remember I went into the fifth wheel to grab something and he was like, Hey Amber, I want to be, I always want to be honest with you. You know I'll always be honest with you, right? And I said, yeah. And he said, cause that was something that he'd said ever since I was, you know, little. He'd been in the picture since I was around four. Right. Um, and he said, I'll never lie to you. And so he's like, you know, I'm always honest with you. I said, yeah. And he's like, well, I want, I just want to show you, this is why we live the life that we lived. And he smoked meth right in front of me. And my mom found out and she was pissed because she had been very, very careful about not showing you about not showing that part to me. And so at the time, outside of that instance, I had no idea why we lived the way that we did. And it felt normal. Yeah. At the time. Exactly. So yeah, so, um, so we lived in this house. It was in Provo, I believe. I always get Provo and Orem, like, they're so close to each other. Yeah, um, so it was in Provo, I believe. And, um, I'd made friends with the neighbors and they'd kind of taken me in. So I had somewhat of like a, what normal was like. Yeah. And Gordon was in and out of jail while we lived there. Um, and this house is an older house. The garage was separate and it was really big. They had like a little workshop, um, with like a table and my, both my parents like to go rock hunting. So we had a lot of like gems and everything cute. And I know in hindsight, I'm like, man, I wish I would have known. Cause I'm really into that stuff now. I wish I would have appreciated it as a kid. But, um, yeah. Yeah, so I remember we were going somewhere and I had my roller skates on. I was obsessed with my roller skates. I would go everywhere in them. And I can just imagine my mom, she would always be like, well you just take the skates off. We're in a hurry. And I didn't really know how to skate, so it was like this little scoot waddle thing. But yeah, so I was so obsessed with these roller skates. Um, so I remember we were going somewhere, we got to the car, and I'm putting my stuff in the car. And my mom is still in the house. They had had a fight earlier, and uh, Gordon was standing on one of the work benches. And I turned to him and he goes, Amber, have you ever seen anybody die before? Oh my gosh. And I was like, no, I'm nine. Yeah. And he says, well you're about to. And he put a noose, a rope around his neck and he stepped off of the table. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. And I didn't know what to do. I was just frozen. Like I couldn't, I couldn't scream. I couldn't, like, I didn't really understand what was going on, going on happening. I'd never seen this before. And perfect timing, my mom comes in and she, um, She didn't really see me at first. Yeah. And she starts lifting him up and she's like, no, you're not doing this. You're not doing this. And she was able to cut the rope and, um, get him down. And she tells me, Amber, can you please go next door and ask them to call 911? She says, tell them to call the paramedics. Tell them that your dad, cause I did call him Yeah. Tell them that your dad tried to kill himself. And so I roller skated over to the neighbor's house. Oh, Amber. And tell them to call the paramedics. And I just remember because I knew what 901 was, I knew what an ambulance was, but I'd never heard the word paramedics before. So I remember practicing the word on the way over there. And they have me talk to them and tell them what's going on and the lady says, Amber, you're so brave for telling us this story. Just want you to know. And um, they kept me over there while the ambulance came and got him. So by the time I went back to my house, Everything was quiet and cleared out and it was just my mom and we went and stayed at a friend's house That night and I remember my mom telling me if your friends ask you Why the police and the paramedics were at our house? Just tell them you don't know that you weren't home And so from that age, it was very much like okay. This is something to keep a secret. Yeah So that's when I was nine and I He got out, they were still together, we couch surfed and stayed with other people. And, um, I remember we were at this house, I can see it in my mind, we were at this house and I was sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor in the living room. And I just remember crying myself to sleep every night because to me Colorado was always home. And I just missed home. I missed my dad. And at that point I had a little sister and I missed my little sister. That's all I have to say. And, um, so my mom took advantage of the opportunity of Christmas break coming up and me missing home. So she arranged for me to go fly to see my family there, my dad, my biological dad, and, um, and my Korean grandma. And she just thought, okay, well she has, I think I had like a one month break or something like that. So she figured I would just be there for a few weeks and she could get, things in order. Yeah. And I remember she said, well, if you want to stay a little bit longer because you miss your family, you can. So that winter break turned into, I lived with my grandma and my real dad for, um, two and a half years. Oh wow. Yeah. And then I moved to live with my mom's mom, Lonnie. At that point, she had moved to Durango, Colorado to take care of her parents. And so when I lived with my dad, I was going. down to, I lived in Colorado Springs and I was going down to Durango, Colorado for spring break and summer break to visit my other grandma. And, um, Korean culture just is very, there's a lot of pressure to be the top of your class, to be perfect at everything. Um, my grandma owned a taekwondo school and so there was Korean culture and then the fact that I was the owner's granddaughter. So I had to be the best in class. I had to do the best in school. And what I realized when I moved from Utah to Colorado, And my grandma enrolled me in school so that when she enrolled me in school, I was in fourth grade. Um, it was, I think it was like the second quarter. So still begin at first half of the year. And, um, that was my 14th school that I had been to. Oh my gosh. And so I realized I was very, very behind in school. I mean, how could you not be right missing that much in transferring and all of that. So I, um, yeah. I was very behind. My grades were kind of not that great. Yeah, which is totally understandable. Yeah. And you have way too much on your shoulders for a nine year old. Yeah, and had seen things that the other nine year olds in my class hadn't and couldn't relate to. And might never see. Yeah, hopefully. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously. And it was a little bit of a culture shock, because this is the first time that I've been around people who Have no idea what it's like to live the life that I've lived. Yeah. I was going to an academy district, so this is, um, a military district. Oh. And so lots of name brands and it wasn't just like a normal, like I went to middle class type of a school. Yeah. It was like all of a sudden I went from zero to a hundred. Oh. And, um, how confusing to, yeah. Um, so yeah, it was really interesting. I, um. So I just, I wasn't doing that great in school, which was upsetting to my grandma. In hindsight, I can see, like, how she just wanted me to do my best. Yeah. But my, you know, 9, year old brain translated it to, you're not good enough. Yeah, of course it did. Yeah. And so, um, I just, it just made me plummet more and more and more. Um, so my, um, My other grandma, my mom's mom, Lonnie, could see that I wasn't happy. And she decided that it was time for me to come and move and live with her. So I had just turned 12, I was there for spring break, and I just stayed with her. Until I was, um, Let's see, right before I turned 19. Oh wow. So I lived with her for quite a while. Yeah. In that time, my mom and Gordon broke up. Um, my mom actually started dating my stepdad, who, ironically, she and him, his name is James, she and James had, um, been together when I was, I think I was 13. three. Oh wow. And they'd known each other for a couple years, and um, he had a son, Tyler, who's almost, or a little over a year older than me. And so like, he and I were buddies. Yeah. We used to play all the time, and they were together for a little less than a year, and then right after Gordon is went, Or sorry, right after my mom and James broke up is when she met Gordon. And so they lost touch with each other, got back in touch when I was around 16 and the timing was right and they were both cleaning up their lives and doing really good, and so they got back together. Um, he has been, James, my stepdad, which I still call him dad, has been more of a father figure to me than, than my real dad and Gordon. Um, He's also involved in, in drugs. Um, his addiction is heroin. And I just think that it says a lot that even in his addiction, he's still been such an example for me. Yeah, that's huge. Um, so yeah, so they were together for about 10 years. Um, let me rewind a little bit. So when I moved to live with my grandma Lonnie, um, which if anybody knows me, I talk about her all the time. She was a huge influence in my life. She was my mother figure. Yeah. And She was Jehovah's Witness So she I mean I'd always had the influence of Jehovah's Witness because when I was little we moved to live with her I'd kept in contact with her over the phone So we were always talking about it when I moved to live with her. It was very concentrated Like that was the life that we lived. Yeah so I baptized when I was 15. Um, I regular pioneered, which basically when your job is witness, they go in the door to door work. And if you're dedicating so many hours per month, you can do it a month at a time, which would be auxiliary pioneering. And then they have regular pioneering, which is where you commit a year at a time to this. And so I was going out in the door to door work at the time. It's changed a little bit, but at the time it was, um, 70 hours a week. Oh my goodness. Or no, no, no. Let me rewind. Sorry. 70 hours a month. Okay. Yeah, I'm like still though 70 hours a month. That's a lot. Yeah. So, um, it was full time. Yeah. Uh, I was very zealous. It was everything that I wanted. It gave me all the hopes and dreams fulfilled and, um, gave me the community and the family that I wanted. Um, When I was 18, I kind of started getting curious about boys and, um, I came to visit my mom and I tried drinking for the first time and, uh, I met a guy and had a boyfriend and lost my virginity and all of that stuff and, and then I went back to Durango. So I was here for summer break or I went to go visit my real dad for the summer and then Um, came here and then went back to Durango and it was like, okay, my whole life has changed and I've done all of these things that are against my religion because they don't believe in sex before marriage. And I was curious about it and And enjoyed some of the things that I was doing, but I also felt so, so guilty. I was gonna say, was there shame involved when you got back? Oh, so much. So much. Um, I was living a double life for a short amount of time while I was in Durango, which was also, it was like, I like doing these things, but also, so much shame and guilt around it. Oh, yeah. Especially because I didn't grow, I wasn't Jehovah's Witness from birth. Yeah. Um, I was Jehovah's Witness by choice, more or less, and so, and the fact that my parents weren't Witnesses, my grandma was, um, and then I was, it put me as an example in the congregation. And so I had been put on this pedestal. Mm hmm. And And it just made that fall even harder emotionally. So much pressure. Like, I could just see in your life, like, how much pressure was put on you. Just like, time after time after time, and it's just so much. To perform it a specific way, like, everyone else's expectations of me. So yeah, so I had a lot of guilt and a lot of shame, and I had a very deep depression to where I did have suicidal ideations of, like, it would just be easier. I don't talk to a lot of people about this part, but, um, Excuse me. Thanks. Um, I, I started cutting because it was a way of, um, relieving that pain. It was like I had all of this emotional pain that I didn't know what to do with it. Yeah. And cutting was like, okay, now I have a physical pain. Yeah. To look at. It like releases the emotional pain. Exactly. Yeah. It was like, okay, now I have something to look at, something to put a bandaid on, something to fix. And also a distraction. Yeah. And um, my mom, excuse me, sorry. No, you're good. I came to visit my mom, uh, for summer break. And I just graduated high school and she saw the cuts on my arms and my leg. And she's like, what is going on, Amber? You're not the same person. Something is going on. And I finally broke down and told her. And, um, she's like, I can't let you go back into that. It's so concentrated. Yeah, the pressure and I lived in such a small town. There was only one congregation there So you knew who was a witness you knew who wasn't so the likelihood of me getting caught if I in my double life I had a boyfriend who wasn't a witness and the pressure was just very very high and so I Agreed to move to Utah and she was like you can be a witness here. You can go to the meetings you can You Do the whole thing here. I won't stop you. I'll encourage you to go if you need a ride I'll give you a ride like was very supportive, but it gave me Moving to salt lake gave me some anonymity which meant it gave me the choice Yeah of where I wanted to be without the pressure. Exactly. Yeah And so I came here. I went through um, Therapy, I did group therapy. I did one on one therapy and um And then I was still going to meetings and everything. And then I just kind of quickly realized like, this isn't what I want to do. Like, this isn't what makes me happy anymore. And I remember I kept trying to go back, like every few months I would go to a meeting or I would meet up with the friends or whatever. And it got to the point where it was just like excruciating for me to sit there. So I ended up leaving the religion. There's a couple of ways that you can leave. Um, some very official ways of leaving and I decided I didn't want to do that because it meant that my friends couldn't still talk to me, including my grandma. Oh my goodness. Um, and so I decided That's a rule. They can't talk to you if you leave. Yeah. Yeah. So there's, you can either be excommunicated or I mean, um, now the terminology is slipping my brain. So you can be disfellowshipped, which basically means like you've sinned, you've been counseled a couple of times and you're still doing that sinning. Um, Which is what I would have been if I would have gone back and confessed all my sins. Right. Um, you can disassociate yourself or excommunicate yourself, which is where you, um, write a letter and say, I want to be taken out of the books. I am no longer a Jehovah's Witness. I don't want to be part of this anymore. I don't want to be counted in your numbers or anything. And if you do that, they can't talk to you. In both situations, they can't talk to you. Um, you're basically dead to them. Yeah. And I didn't want that. Yeah. I mean, that's your mother figure. Exactly. And all of my closest friends. Yeah. Yeah. And in the back of my mind, I kind of always thought, well, maybe I'll go back someday. And so I didn't want that roadblock if I decided to go back. So I just kind of slowly faded out. Eventually all my friends stopped talking to me anyways. Um, my grandma did still talk to me at one point. She told me. That she couldn't anymore that she was just gonna keep it strictly business and that was heartbreaking to me I remember At that point I had been out for 10 years. Oh, well, how old are you then? Um, so when I left I was 19. Okay, and Like I'm too yeah, so I was well no, so when she told me that she couldn't talk to me anymore I was 27 I think Um 27 or 28 Um, and so I, it just broke my heart. Like I didn't understand it at first, but then at the same time, like, I get what she's being told. I get what she's being taught, and I knew it wasn't easy for her. I could hear the heartbreak in her voice when she was telling me. And so, um, yeah, it was really hard to hear your mom basically tell you, I can't talk to you anymore. Um, And so many mixed emotions of like, heartbreak, but also wanting to be supportive. Yeah. Because I knew that she was doing what she believed was right. And I knew it was hurting her too, but in her mind it was like her everlasting life was on the line. Oh, it's so hard. So, um, yeah, so she was like, I mean, we had a phone plan together, so she's like, I'll talk to you about that and keep things short, but I can't have like these long conversations or you visiting me. And, um, yeah, so that was kind of hard. I ended up, I had to take a sick day. My boss like didn't really understand that, but I was like, I've just got some, some family stuff going on. Seriously. Um, but yeah, so, um, when I moved to Utah, my mom was clean. Um, my stepdad was in prison at the time. Okay. And, um, um, Uh, we lived in the avenues. We moved into an apartment in Holiday, and then my stepdad got out of prison. They ended up getting back into the partying lifestyle. Um, our lease was up, and because he was a felon, we couldn't live in that apartment. Um, and a lot of apartments wouldn't take it, wouldn't let us. So we found a house, um, in South Salt Lake that we were living in. Um, we were there for less than a year, and my parents, um, my mom and my stepdad, got into, um, selling, dealing drugs. My mom was into meth, he was into heroin, and they got each other. into each other's drugs. So they were both doing meth and heroin. I was 22 at the time and, um, I remember when the cops came and they got my dad, my stepdad, and I told my mom, I was like, you know, I waited 10 years to be able to come and live with you and now here I am and what are you doing? And I told her I'm moving out on my own. I don't want to live with you anymore. So I moved out. I got my own apartment and, um, Dude, I had nothing. Yeah, were you still doing counseling at this point? No, um, I did counseling for probably, um, two or three months. Okay. And some of them had talked about getting me on medication, but I really quickly realized, like, this is a situational depression. Um, and once I started deciding what I really wanted, what path I wanted to take, whether to be a witness or not, and getting that clarification for myself, I noticed that judgment and that depression falling away. Um, so yeah, so that was, and every now and then I still had like hard moments, hard moments of struggle, but there I could see a lot more light. Yeah. So, um, so yeah, so that was not very long. And then, um, at this point when I moved into my apartment, I had, um, it was just me. I tried to get a roommate, but it just didn't work out. So it was just me. Um, in this one bedroom apartment, I had my bed, I had a dresser, um, I had a coffee table and I had this, um, like Walmart entertainment center with nothing in it. Um, I think I had my stereo for my room and that was it. That's all I had. Uh, so. I moved in Valentine's Day weekend. My, um, birthday is a week after that. And so my housewarming party was my birthday party. And I remember telling everybody just like BYO alphabet, bring your own hair, bring your own booze, bring your own pillows, bring your own plates and silverware. Yeah, exactly. If you think you're going to need it, you have to bring it. I don't have it. And, um, I just, I worked two jobs. I had my full time job, uh, corporate job, and I worked as a cocktail waitress and a hookah girl at night and on weekends, and I just kind of busted my ass, and I was able to furnish an entire apartment. I had a lot of people who gave me things, which I was so grateful for. Like, I didn't even care that my dishes didn't match the fact that I had dishes. I was so grateful. And, um, All the while, my mom was using. And she came to stay with me a few times. A couple times she thought she was moving in and I had to tell her again We're not living together ever again. Yeah, like you can come and stay a couple of nights, but that's it. Yeah Um, there were times where she would call me asking me to take her to a detox center to drop her off And then I would have to pick her up again a couple of days later because it just didn't stick or She didn't want to be there. Um to be fair the detox centers are disgusting. Yeah, so I kind of don't blame her but um There were times where I would have to pick her up from one place because she'd had a fight with whoever she was staying with and I'd have to take her to a new place that she was gonna stay, um, or She would say that she'd been staying in her storage unit, um, and I would take her food. Yeah So much responsibility. Yeah, and like basically you're the parent in that situation. Yeah Yeah, and I had to go I did end up going through therapy during that time too because there was just I had so much Anger, yeah, she would text me and say just to say hi. I love you I hope you're having a great day and it would really Ruin my entire mood because I was just so angry And I realized like there's no way that I can be supportive And have a relationship ever again with my mom if i'm this angry with her um, so I did end up going through therapy for that and um It helped me have a better outlook with her To kind of separate myself of not taking ownership of the things that she was doing. Yeah um but yeah, she She was using, let's see, she's been clean now for three and a half years, or it was, um, yeah, it was three years in September, so three and a half years. So it was a good 12, 13 years that she was using. Wow. And I was helping her out however I could within the boundaries that I could. Yeah. Um, I. And while trying to navigate my own relationships and I, I didn't have a very great example of how a relationship works as far as like communication or anything like that goes. So, um, my relationships were kind of all over the place and I partied a lot and there were a lot of times where I would try something and be like, oof, I like this a little too much. We're going to stay away from that. That's huge though that you were that self aware too. Yeah. To be able to do that. Thank you. Yeah, I just. I'm glad that I was the one where my parents set an example of what I didn't want to be, to where I was like hyper aware of addiction being in my system. Usually, I mean it doesn't always work that way. Yeah. A lot of times the statistics are not in your favor. Yeah. In that situation. Well and I have a couple of siblings where, have proven that. Yeah. Um, which is sad but also at the same time it's like, What example did you have, you know? Yeah, totally. Um. So you're working two jobs at this point? Yeah, working two jobs. Um, I went, I had a boyfriend that I moved in with. It didn't work out, moved out again. Um, and I eventually met, um, I had just broken up a boyfriend and realized I had kind of adopted all of his friends as my friends. And when we broke up, they made it pretty clear that we weren't really friends. Like they just stopped talking to me. And so, yeah. So I realized like all of my friends live up North and I'm hardly ever up there. I need some friends in Salt Lake. So one of my friends at the time, um, worked with. Had a coworker who said, Well, hey, I'm having this summer barbecue beer Olympics. Um, invite your friends. You should come. And my friend didn't really drink beer. But I did. You're like, I'm down for some beer olympics. Exactly. And she's like, I'll be your designated driver, you said you wanted to make new friends, I'm not going to know anybody there except for my coworker Andy. And I was like, okay, cool. I'll go. This sounds great. And she was one that's, I tend to be a little bit late for everything and she's one that's always super early. So we're there super early. So we're kind of helping set things up a little bit. And then in walks these two guys who I found out later were named Lester and Ben. And I saw Ben and I was like, Oh, he is cute. And so I like, couldn't stop staring at him. And I literally. Literally, I'm not joking, I followed him around the entire time. Oh my gosh, I love that. So we have, I always joke our first picture together is him with his teammate and me like photobombing in the background. You're like, I'm here too. Yeah. Don't forget about me. And I, yeah, I just thought he was so cute. So by the end of the night it was so funny because my friend, it was late, she wanted to leave. And so everybody else could tell that we liked each other and we're like, she's in good hands, he's a great guy, and we'll make sure she gets home safe. And so she asked me, do you feel safe? And I was like, yeah, I was gonna ask you if I could actually stay. So she goes and I remember one of our other friends pulls me aside and she's like, Amber, Ben's such a great guy. He's really got his life together and like gives Ben this like whole pep, or gives me this pep talk about Ben and I was like, okay that's good because I already like him. You're like, I can tell. And, um, so I put him in my phone, we exchanged numbers. He's like, would you want to go out with me on a date? And I was like, yeah, of course. So I get his number, put him in my phone as the Ben, the Ben, the Ben, like in all caps, the Ben. And, um, a week later we went on our first date. And he, it's funny, he went on a work trip, came home, and he was sick, and then he had a bunch of work to do, and blah blah blah, so we kept setting up our second date, and he kept bailing on me. Oh no. And I would go home and talk to my roommate and be like, yeah, we reset our date, I'm so excited, it's tonight, and then he would text me that day, hey, I'm not feeling good, or hey, I have a lot of work to catch up on. He bailed on me, I don't even know how many times, I think it was over five times. Oh my gosh. And so I remember one night. I told my roommate we were going to this local hip hop show and I invited Ben and I told him your tickets paid for if you show up. Great, if you don't, no big deal. But I told my roommate who was going with me, if he doesn't show up tonight, you have to count me, hold me accountable. I'm never talking to him again. And he showed up. Good thing. Yeah. And I told him, I was like, you're so lucky that you showed up. I wasn't going to talk to you anymore. And he was like, really? I'm like, yeah, I was sick of you bailing on me. And so he was, we were at each other's house almost every single day after that. Cute. Um, so that was um, 11 years ago. Um. So how long did you date before you got engaged? We were together for seven years. Oh, wow. We actually, yeah, his, um, I moved in with him after I think we'd been together for almost a year and a half. Um, he was the first person to teach me about boundaries that I could, um, How every, all of my other relationships had told me, just stop talking to your mom if she's bugging you that much, if she's taking this much of an emotional toll, just stop talking to her. And I couldn't do that because for a long time it was my, my mom and me, you know, like we were you and me against the world type of thing, you know, totally. She was my best friend. And so, um, I couldn't just stop talking to her. And Ben was the first one to be like, she's your mom. Don't stop talking to her, but have boundaries. And if you need to remind her of those. Yeah. I had no idea what boundaries were. Um, and he's like, if you need to remind her of that, that's fine. Keep reminding her. We're not going to talk about this. I'm not going to help you this way, but I would love to have this type of a relationship with you. And he was the first one that was so supportive and helped me have some structure in all of that. Um, we were together for, I think, four years and his job transferred him to California. We lived in Santa Cruz for nine months and then we moved up to Portland, Oregon. We lived there for two years. And we decided that we wanted to start having kids. I wanted to get married first, but he was like, Marriage is just a paper. If we have that commitment already, why should we do that? Like, we don't need to involve all of this and pay for this giant party to show that we're committed to each other. Yeah. And I realized, like, okay, I want to have kids. And if we're not getting married anytime soon, then let's just start having kids. Yeah. So we did things kind of in our own order. Yeah. Um, we, uh, started trying to have our son and it took us almost a year and a half and three rounds of fertility meds to have him. Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, so that was um, man, that was a whole roller coaster on its own of just going, like, once you decide that you're ready to have kids, like, Emotionally, you are ready to have them. You're like, where are they? I want them now. Exactly. And to go month after month of just finding out you're not going to have one. I've been talking, I've talked to Ben about this, and for him, it was just like, it's just not working, you know? But for women, we go through this whole thing of what's wrong with my body, I'm broken, like this is so natural, I should be able to do this and I, What do I do? Like, what have I done in the past to make this happen to my body? And it's just sends you through this whole thing. Yeah. And, um, and of, and right in the middle of that, we had like a little, I thought I was pregnant. My period was 10 days late and it turned out it ended up just being from stress. But to have that hope just like dangled in front of me, yeah, it was just awful. Um, After three rounds of fertility meds, it was just kind of funny because I stopped taking pregnancy tests. I just waited for my period to come. Because I couldn't, it was heartbreaking to have the pregnancy test say no, and then for my period to come and remind me that it was a no, and then to have to go through another month of it. So I stopped taking pregnancy tests. We started doing the fertility meds. And, um, I had kind of just decided, I'm gonna let my, I'm gonna start planning my life. I've put everything on hold of going back to school and doing all this stuff, so I'm just, I'm gonna do it. So, um, there was one more prereq that I needed for the degree that I wanted to apply for. So I signed up for it. Two months into the semester, I find out I'm pregnant. And what was funny is Ben traveled so much for work. And I had to mark on his calendar when I was ovulating so that he knew when he needed to be home. And that month he was home five nights throughout the whole month and two of those nights happened to be during St. Patty's Day weekend. Ooh. I can guess what happened. There was beer, everybody got lucky. Thank you. But yeah, so then we found out we were having our son. And, um, so when we found out I was pregnant, before that I was like, okay, well, I'm going to apply for this program. Um, I'm going to go back to school and do all this stuff. I'm going to move back to Utah in August, just so you know. And he was like, okay, if that's what you want to do, we'll make it work. And so then when I found out I was pregnant, it was like, okay, well, I guess we're still moving home, same timeline, but for a different reason. So we moved back to Utah. This is just where we always knew we would come back here. And this is just where our support system has always been. Yeah. Um, Had our son Beckett in 2019 and then we um, Ben proposed in um, 2020. Oh, fun. During the pandemic? Yeah, right in the middle of it. We got married in 2021. Our son Beckett was our ring bear. Oh, cute. He was the cutest ring bear. I can't imagine. Oh my God. And he stole the dance floor. It was so cute. Of course he did So cute. Um, and then we had our daughter in, um. Oh my gosh, 2023. Did you need to do fertility measure? Oh, amazing. No, so here's what's funny with that, is that everybody says, you know, now your body knows what it's doing, it's going to be a lot easier, but I thought You know what, just to mentally prepare myself, I'm going to plan on like six months emotionally so that I'm not heartbroken. Totally. First try. Oh, wow. So both of us were like, Oh, uh, already when I told Ben, that's what he said. He's like, really already. So yeah, she was just ready to be here. So, um, had her in 2023. She's my little Friday the 13th baby. She's so feisty. She loves it. Ah. Yeah, she's funny. But, um, yeah, so, uh, we found, Ben was into the growth, self improvement world since I met him. Yeah. And, um, I just always thought, oh, that's great for you. I'll be supportive in what you're doing. Like, do you need me to help you make your meals for your meal plans or whatever, you know? And, um, never really thought of it as my own, um, until Right before he proposed, I didn't know he was going to propose, um, but right before he proposed he said, you know, I'm really taking this girl thing seriously and I'm always going to be improving myself and improving my life and The fact of the matter is if you're not, you're gonna get left behind and I don't say that to be rude That's just the honest truth of it. Yeah, and he's like and that's not what I want So my challenge to you is that you'll take this seriously and also be in your own growth And he's like we don't have to be going the same pace. We don't have to be doing the same thing You just have to understand Constantly be growing and to me I was like challenge accepted like why would I say no to becoming a better person that my husband just wants me to always be a better person. Yes, I can do that. And so that's something that we've like always reminded each other of whenever something comes up and he's either one of us is like, well, I don't know if I want to do this well. Is this something that will improve you as a person? Then I support that for you. That's beautiful. So, yeah. So, um, we've both been in a couple of different coaching groups and then Taryn opened her group and found Gentle Warriors and dude, it's been life changing. Yeah. It's been such a catalyst for both of us. Oh, that's so good. But yeah. What's been the biggest, like, if you could just like pick one thing that's been the biggest in your healing journey, like that's helped the most, what would it be? So the idea of boundaries was a huge thing for me, and I just always thought of boundaries as something you put on somebody else of what I expect you to do. Like this is, please don't talk about this, I expect you to not bring it up. Um, then I really quickly realized of Taryn explaining what boundaries were is something that I put on myself. So if I'm putting myself in a situation, I know that this is what I'll accept, and if that is crossed, then that's on me. Yes. And so with that was Taking my power back of realizing wait a minute I have so much more control than I thought I did and so there's been so many layers of that of Okay, first it was boundaries. Wow, I get to take my power back. I have control. I'm not waiting for somebody else's actions to make me happy or to upset me, um, or for someone to just fail me because they didn't live up to the boundaries that I set. It's me that has to fulfill those. Okay, cool. And so then I had more, you could have more success with that, right? And then it was, okay, well, how else can I take my power back? Words, like verbiage of how, what, how I'm saying things. Um, And so I guess the main thing is just finding different ways of, of taking my power back. Like I get to choose how I feel about things. It's not somebody else who makes me sad or makes me angry. I chose to be sad. I chose to be angry. They were doing whatever they were doing because of whatever day or life they've had. And I get to choose how to process this. So then I get to choose which direction my life goes. I get to choose, you know, it's just in so many ways, just that. That choice and taking that power back has been huge for me that I'm in control. Well, it's such an empowering place to be, to know, like to take, like take ownership of your part. Yeah. It's just such a powerful place to be. Yeah. You can't be a victim when you are there. Yeah. And so of course, like it just propels you forward too, because the energy is just different. Like the vibration is way higher than, Poor me, somebody failed me, they hurt my feelings, whatever it is, you know. Exactly, yeah. It's so cool. And it's, I think I had always been in a situation where I was relying on other people, and I had been let down over and over and over again. So many times. And I had let other people control what I was supposed to be doing, um, and their expectations of me. Yeah, so much pressure was put on you. Yeah. And so it was like, oh, wait a minute, I get to choose. Not only what I'm doing from here on out, but I also get to choose how all of that stuff affected me and what lessons are there in it. And how did it program me to be the person I am? Okay, now I get to choose to change that program. So yeah, it's just been super, super powerful. That's so cool. I was going to ask you, have you, has your grandma changed her mind about having a relationship with you? Um, so my grandma actually passed away three years ago. Um, she It's interesting because while she said that she couldn't talk to me, she, I knew it wasn't something that she wanted to do, and she would slip up all the time in that. And both of us knew that she was, but especially when I started having kids and when Ben and I, um, were engaged. And she felt more comfortable. And I know a lot of people aren't going to understand that, but I was doing a lot of things that didn't meet match up with her spiritual beliefs. And I understood that I didn't hold that against her. I had no animosity towards her about that. And so it made sense to me. And so, um, she would find reasons to call me and talk to me. And, and technically if she mentioned the Bible or something there, then it like made the conversation okay. Yeah. Cause she was like sharing. Exactly. So it was kind of funny because she would find reasons to call and talk to me. And so we did still have a pretty decent relationship, um, when she passed away. Uh, I was lucky enough to be there holding her hand and I'm like, I'm so, so grateful to have the husband that I have because, and for us to be in the situation that we are. because I got a call that morning and by that night we had plane tickets to leave early the next morning and we were packing bags and he was like well why don't we just buy a one way ticket so that if you need to stay out there longer you can because we didn't know um how long she was going to be alive if it was just a hospital stay and then she'd be fine or if what um but we got in at like 10 in the morning and she passed away by two that afternoon and so just And everything was so perfect for me to be able to be holding her hand. That's amazing. Um, and we actually named, um, my daughter, her middle name is after my grandma. Oh, cute. So. I didn't know that either. Yeah. That's so cute. Yeah. Um, is there anything else that you feel important to share of your story? Anything we've left out or that I haven't asked? Um. No, I think that's the gist of it. I think, um, I guess I didn't mention that I have a bunch of siblings. I have a bunch of sisters and, and they've all had their ups and downs and, um, we've all, we all have different moms, but we have the same dad. Um, and I have, I don't know, I think we've all been through really tough times. All of our parents were stuck in addiction and some of them have gotten clean. Um, some of them have passed away because of their addiction. And, um, I just, I just think it's, again, so important to remind people of, and this is what my podcast is so big on, is that You have a choice in your life if you don't like the way that things are going please make a choice and that doesn't mean It's gonna be easy. That doesn't mean that just because you decided you want to be happy You're gonna be happier just because you decided you want to live a certain lifestyle. It's it's gonna go great You're gonna have to work for it. But please know that you have the choice and power in changing that And just don't get stuck in that victim mindset of feeling like you're stuck living a specific way. Like you have so much more power than you realize to have the life that you want. I love that. So that goes right into, if you could tell cute little Amber anything, what would it be? Oh man, I've done, I've done so much. In her child work of like going back and talking to younger Amber, and it's interesting that you ask me that because I had a Facebook post, you know how Facebook memories pop up? And I had one pop up where I remember I was going through this terrible heartbreak, my mom was in the middle of her addiction, I felt like nobody understood me, and I posted, I just wish somebody could tell me that it turns out okay. Ugh. And what was cool is that I got to repost that and say, guess what? It turns out so awesome. That's so cool. And so I think if I could go back and tell little amber or really anybody who's going through that situation is that like It can be so awesome. Please don't let go of that hope. And don't let go, like, let that hope drive you to creating the life that you want. Yeah. It can be so awesome. Yeah, your life is so awesome. You are such a beautiful human. Thank you. Like, really, I'm so proud of you. What you went through is actually insane and to be where you're at and like the amazing parent that you are And the amazing friend and wife. I just freaking love you. Thank you. I'm so proud of you Thank you so much. It's been Like I said, sometimes I look back and i'm just like whoa it's I really do live the life that I always dreamed of having like there are times I look at my house and I was like I'm, like holy shit. This is this is my house. This is my husband and these are my kids and I Get to do all of these things like this is so cool And I think that having that perspective and being able to take a step back sometimes just that living in gratitude Yeah, which you are so good. I was about to say I feel like you have such a grateful heart of like You know how far you've come and you're so grateful for everything you have and it's actually so inspiring. Thank you. Yeah, it's It keeps things real. Yeah. Yeah Thank you so much for coming. Of course. Thanks for having me on here. I love you. I'm so proud of you. Thanks. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen. It means the world to me. If you liked this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, and share on Instagram. 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