Episode 47 - With Vicki Strassheim

In this episode I had a lovely chat with Vicki who I met through a shared love of yoga.

With lots going on in her life at the time, she decided to ditch the dye, and let the greys come through at 41.

Transcript

Happier Grey Podcast with Vicki Strassheim

Helen: Hello and thanks for joining me, Helen Johnson, for the Happier Grey podcast. I'm pro-ageing and love my grey hair, but I know it can be quite intimidating to take the plunge, so each week I'll be chatting to other women who've chosen to embrace the grey in the hope of inspiring and supporting you, whether you already have silver hair, in the process of going grey, or just considering ditching the dye.

Today I'm joined by Vicky Strassheim, a mother of two young adults who's been married to Steven for 30 years. She's a physio who's worked in health care also for 30 years, and mostly does project management now. Hello Vicki, how are you?

Vicki: Hello Helen, and very well thank you. And you?

Helen: Yeah, not so bad. 

Vicki: Good.

Helen: I'm gonna start by asking you, can you remember when you found your first grey hair?

Vicki: Yes, but I was probably very young, I was child. So I had very dark hair and there was always white hairs coming through. And there was always the my grandma saying “don't pull them out, seven more will come in it's place”. But actually going grey properly, not until my late 30s.

That's probably when I started to notice, oh right, this is it. This isn't just the odd white hair that's coming through. This is the beginning.

Helen: How did you feel about those white hairs when you were a child? Did you get any comments about them? 

Vicki: Not particularly. I notice in my children, my son's got very dark hair, and he's got a few white hairs, and my daughter who's auburn, she's got a few as well. So. I just wonder whether or not we've all got a few spatterings coming through from being early.

So no, it was a bit novel when I was a child, not so much when I hit my late 30s. When they were coming through with a little bit more vengeance.

Helen: That's really interesting, my sister has auburn hair and she's not really gone grey at all. Her hair's just kind of faded to a strawberry blonde. She's never had any white hairs.

Vicki: My husband, he's ginger, or was ginger, and he is now more, well, he was more strawberry blonde, and now he's gone more sandy. We reckon he's probably about 60 percent grey and 40 percent ginger. You'd have to really look at them to think oh yeah you were once a ginger person.

It's actually quite nice to see him go a different colour and it looks quite nice on him. Yeah. Yeah.

Helen: Coming back to you in your late thirties, when you realize that you're properly going grey. What did you decide to do at that point? Did you dye it or did you leave it?

Vicki: No, I dyed it. I was seeing a hairdresser who was brilliant, is still brilliant, and she gave me all the equipment that I would need. Because I just didn't have the time to be going back and touching up. So, she gave me a brush, and a little pot, and the peroxide at the right consistency, and the hair colour. And I'd go home and I'd touch it up every couple of weeks.

I've been doing my homework, and I'd listened to a couple of your podcasts, and I heard the term “root stress”, I think it was. And I thought, oh yeah, I can identify with that. I had that. 

Probably from about being 38 to being about 41, I attempted to keep it all the same colour. Which meant I couldn't wear my hair up, because I could see roots. And I found seeing the roots more of an issue. And I started to question, how would I feel if I just let it come in?

Just seeing other people around me, seeing my, older relatives had done the same, just let it come in. Is that going to be less stressful than trying to cover it up all the time?

Helen: Did you decide to do that then?

Vicki: Yeah, so from being about 41, I had a lot on at the time. And I tried to marry it up with, is this one of my priorities to keep my hair looking younger than I actually am? And is it taking time away from the things that I want to be doing rather than, making myself look a certain way? Is that really what I want to be doing with my time?

So, it was all around resources. Where do I want to be spending my time? My money? And my energy? At this point in time, I've got two small children. I had health issues that I was dealing with. And I recognized it wasn't a priority. 

I think seeing other people around me who had gone grey, really gave me the confidence to just think, let's just see what happens if I just stop.

Helen: Were you using a permanent colour or semi-permanent colour at that time?

Vicki: Permanent. So, I was getting definite lines. And that was the other issue that at some point in the future, I'm going to want to stop doing this because I will want my natural colour to come through. What's the hardest aspect of this? Is it going to be stopping now and letting the grey come through? In whichever pattern it comes through. 

Or waiting until I've got a lot more grey and it's a lot more apparent when I do make that decision to stop. Having married the two up, and weighed the two up, I thought I'd rather stop now, then just see what happens. 

I'm quite fortunate it was only 10 years ago, so there was a lot of people out there like yourself who were, you know, I'm just gonna stop dyeing my hair.

Helen: So, you did it before me cause I stopped, in COVID.

Vicki: Did you?

Helen: Yeah, like an awful lot of other people. So, when you made that decision, how did your friends and family react?

Vicki: I can remember getting a comment from a male distant relative, “Oh, you're going grey!” And I thought, well, you're older than me and you're going grey. So, I thought it was quite a sexist remark to comment on my appearance. Why should I as a woman dye my hair, and him as a man not? Because he was more grey than me.

My mum quite enjoyed seeing the colour coming through. My mother-in-law, she's gone grey in the last few years, and she often made a comment, “Oh, let me see. Where's it coming through now?” 

It is all around the front of my hair, that I've gone grey. I've got little bits of what I call tinsel coming through. So, you can see I've got little white streaks, but it's mostly my temples, and I'm getting a little bit at the peak at the front.

Helen: Yeah.

Vicki: I'm getting more confident to wear my hair back, so you can see it more. It's almost like highlights now, just grey highlights. 

You see some really very attractive, very groomed women, and I'm not suggesting for one minute that I'm one of them, but have lovely grey streaks coming through the hair. And I find that really quite attractive to see.

As we get older, women are embracing the ageing process, and seeing it as something that is quite attractive. It demonstrates a wisdom, it demonstrates experience. Rather than, well they're old, they're spent. I think it's changing the narrative around people being grey.

Helen: I'm with you there, I have to say, on many levels. Most of my whites at the front. So, when I have it back, it looks very white. But then you can see from the ponytail, there's actually quite a lot of dark still in it.

Vicki: Yeah, but when you are in a ponytail, you get those lines coming through your head, which are lovely. 

Helen: How did you find the actual grow out phase? Can you remember when you did have the line?

Vicki: Yeah. I've got naturally wavy hair, possibly curly. The hair at my temples, around my ears, it's always been a different texture and that was more of an issue to me than the grey. So, as it came through, It was a different texture, and it was grey or white coming through.

If I tucked it behind my ears, I've got quite thick hair. So, I’d tuck it behind my ears, and then I'd get these white bits sprouting out. So, for a while, I would just wear it down. So, the weight of it would just cover it. You would barely be able to tell that I was grey unless I tucked my hair behind my ears.

As the texture of my hair is changing, and it is. I think one of the issues around my hair that I've felt probably more than going grey, is the texture's changed, and the thickness has changed quite a lot in the last five years. 

Trying to manage my hair differently, as that changes, and trying to condition it adequately, so I don't get that frizz. Has been one of the issues that I felt possibly more than going grey. 

I am aware that I did wear it down more to cover it as it came through. Once it was through, and it was all one blend and all the same colour. That’s when I started to get a little bit more confident about maybe tucking it behind my ears, or wearing it up in a ponytail.

I was starting to feel I liked the way I got the lines in my hair, the highlights coming back. In a similar way to the way you're wearing it now, you can see as you turn, there's a definite colour palette there.

Helen: Yeah, mine's very streaky. 

Vicki: Yeah, it’s lovely.

Helen: Okay, so we met doing yoga. Is that part of your routine to protect yourself for ageing healthily? And what else are you doing?

Vicki: It is part of me protecting myself from ageing. But as I mentioned, at around about the time that I was going grey, I got a back injury, when I was about 35, which was quite life altering. I had to leave work. We relocated back to the North East. I did another degree. And all of those things were happening at the same time as I was starting to go grey.

As part of my pain management, which I still do now because I still have pain. I have certain activities I do in the week. Yoga is one of them. I do yoga for three hours a week, two sessions. The other thing I do is I swim. I swim every morning before work, two to three times a week, either in a swimming pool or I swim outdoors as well.

I think that's another reason why I weighed up the, pros and cons of dyeing my hair. when for the majority of the time I was about to step into a pool, get my hair wet, and then probably just let it dry. 

The reasoning behind why I, do the activities that I do. It is partly, I know that it will help me to age well. If I maintain my strength. I'm reading about quad strength being really important. We know bone density. We know muscle is really important as we go through the menopause. Being from a healthcare background, being a physio, I know that's all very important.

It's been a by-product to me. The main reason I do the activities that I do are to maintain my back. The by-products are, yes, it's gonna help me to maintain my strength. And I can recognize that actually I've got into some really, really good routines and habits, because I had a back injury that I've just maintained.

And now when we're talking about, oh, and you must maintain your strength. And you must maintain your balance. And cardiovascular, and 30 minutes exercise three or four times a week. I'm already doing all of that. And it's just like, well, box ticked. I'm doing that. That's part of my routine. It's what I do anyway.

Initially, it was definitely to maintain my back, but it absolutely has helped me get through my 40s and into my 50s. We were in the same yoga class. We go to the same instructor, in August for the first time in 41 years, I did a self-propelled handstand. I was cock-a-hoop. 

The fact that I can do things like that at 52, I find a lot more thrilling than some other things that other people may value. I think it all comes down to what you value. I very much value being able to be physically active and fit, despite my age, despite my grey hairs, despite my wrinkles. I think that's a really important thing for me to be able to do, and have confidence in my own body.

Helen: I always look at my mum, my mum's 89 and she lives on her own. And she took up tap dancing in her sixties, I would like to be as fit as my mum when I'm her age

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah.

Helen: and you kind of go, that means I've got to do stuff now. 

Vicki: Absolutely, it is a small, incremental gains, that pay dividends in the future. And I think you start to feel it a little bit in your thirties. You see it. You see that ageing process in your thirties. You start getting the grey hairs. You get the fine lines. All the way through your forties you can feel it coming on.

And to know you can achieve things that you couldn't achieve before, despite your age, is really confidence boosting, I find. 

Helen: Yeah. Yeah. I try to, as much as possible, say it's not limiting. I have osteoarthritis in one of my feet. I can't wear heels anymore, but that's fine.

Vicki: It's sometimes lovely, isn't it? Were they ever comfortable? High heels. No.

Helen: I only ever wore block heels. I never wore the pointed toes. Yeah, not anymore. They're all gone.

Vicki: No, I agree with you. I've still got, a box of high heels that must be, some of them are over, 20 years old. And I love shoes, and I'm going to have to give them away because I'm never going to wear them again. But I love looking at them. Oh, The places I went to and you. But no, no more. I'll go in my flats now.

Helen: I’ve passed some of the on to my daughter, but the rest are gone.

Question about nutrition then. Are you doing anything in terms of nutrition to age healthily?

Vicki: Yeah, yeah. So, again, it goes back to my back injury. The stress that was on my body. I had to be really careful about what I ate. It really impacted. I had a very, sensitive gut as a consequence of all the stress that was going on. I recognized then I wasn't very good with gluten. So that sort of tailed off.

I try and eat clean as far as I can. I try to cook everything from scratch, fresh produce. I'm not a vegetarian or anything like that. I will eat meat. But I try and make everything from scratch, including bread. 

I am aware of healthy biome. So, I do things like I make fermented drinks. I make ginger beer. And I hope that those things help me to having a healthy varied diet, and avoiding some of the more processed foods. I hope that is helping me to age well.

But a lot of it is I was already doing that beforehand so I do. I'm hoping it's helping, but can you ever tell?

I've tried to limit sugar, but I love a cake. I love a biscuit. Bike rides definitely end in a café, with a bacon butty always. I definitely march on my stomach. I do enjoy my food, but I do try and eat healthily.

Helen: I'm going to come back to your hair, and keeping it in good condition. Have you found a particular shampoo and conditioner that works well for your hair type?

Vicki: Marrying up all the issues and trying to work out, sustainability things. I use a shampoo bar and a shampoo conditioner. 

Helen: Okay.

Vicki: That's what I use because I'm trying to cut down on plastic. I use a local company who make shampoo bars and conditioners. I really like their conditioning bar, it's not too heavy, and doesn't flatten my hair.

But I do put in a leave in conditioner afterwards, I think the product's called Wow. After I've washed and dried my hair, I tend to just couple of pumps of that through my hair, particularly in my frizzy bits around ears. That's what I'm using. And I do use Moroccan oil product. 

Helen: Okay, a few people have mentioned them.

Vicki: Yeah. 

I think having naturally curly hair, or a natural wave in it, you can't fight it. You just got to go with it. So, thinking about, what do I do to maintain my hair? I try and get a really good cut. And it's difficult to find a hairdresser who knows how to cut wavy or curly hair. 

I think that's helped the process because I know if it's got a good cut, and it looks well cut. It gives me confidence in my hair. So, I found a local hairdressers, am I allowed to mention them?

Helen: Yeah, if you want.

Vicki: I use the boiler house in Ouseburn, Saskia. She's brilliant. She cuts my hair. I've struggled in the past to find hairdressers who can cut my hair well. 

I think having a good cut, particularly with wavy hair, helps. I've always tried to manage the wave, rather than the grey. And I think I'm probably still managing the wave rather than the grey with the shampoo products that I use, but with also trying to take into consideration sustainability and limiting plastic.

Helen: You’ve still got a lot of your natural darker coloured hair, haven't you?

Vicki: Yeah, yeah. So, it looks, when I took the photographs for you, I just look, it mid brown now. But I think you can see it's coming through the front a little bit more the grey. I've got a little bit of tinsel in the back that I call some streaks.

My mum is 74 and she's very grey now. But she's still got a little bit of colour at the back. So, I think it's definitely going to be a process, and I'm quite interested to see what it'll look like. 

People do go and have their hair coloured. It's happening naturally for me. It's changing year on year. And it's just interesting to see how that happens. 

I know there's people who pay to have grey streaks put through their hair, and it looks amazing. I just hope mine looks as good naturally. I'm not sure it will, but I'm living in hope.

Helen: I always find this really interesting, because my mum's got similar colouring to you, so very dark brown hair, and as I said she's 89. She's not much greyer than me.

Vicki: Really.

Helen: Yeah, her hair just didn't go grey for a very long time.

Vicki: My grandma had very, very dark hair. Very dark hair. And she dyed it for years and years. She became ill, and she decided I'm going to stop. When she stopped, it was short. So, it came out quite quickly. Oh, it looked gorgeous. She looked healthier with her grey hair. 

I think that's one of the incentives for me to see, older relatives have been through that process. Have tested it out. And at the end of the day, they did actually look really lovely with their grey hair. So, maybe not fight it. 

I've got an aunt, through marriage, she's gone grey just naturally. She's just never dyed her hair at all, and it's a lovely gunmetal grey. So, I can see different people, with different great types of grey hair thinking, well, that's very lovely. You can see different people coming through with different tones in their hair. There's so many different variations on the grey.

Helen: Somebody once described it to me as being like a fingerprint. It's as individual as your fingerprint, the pattern that you get.

Vicki: That is so true. Isn't it? 

Helen: I'm going to ask you one last question then. If someone came to you and said, I'm thinking about going grey, what advice would you have for them? 

Vicki: Understand really why you want to do it. For me, it was very personal. It was, I just don't have the time or the energy, to plough into that. It just doesn't sit within my values or my priorities. 

Create a narrative around why you, personally are going grey.

Watch how other people do it, because the other women out there, who've gone grey are our inspiration. You can watch them. They've done it. Why have they done it?  Sometimes I can put stories on to people that probably haven't got a clue that I've created a story. You went grey because of this reason. 

It was important to me to have a narrative, to really understand why I was doing it, and what value it gave me. And I think if a person is ready to turn grey, and they can create that understanding themselves, this is why I'm going to do it. It gives them more of an incentive to keep going. 

I think it was relatively easy for me. The bulk of my hair covered where I was coming in grey. But I think go and seek advice from your hairdresser. They've got really good advice, and techniques out there to help that transition through.

So yeah, sort out your narrative and then get all the help and support you need. That would be my advice.

Helen: Brilliant. That's great. Thanks so much for joining me. Been really interesting hearing your story, and enjoy the rest of your evening.

Vicki: Thank you. You too. Thank you very much.

Helen: Thanks so much for joining me for this week's show. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. I'll be back again next week, but in the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram at happier.grey. Have a great week.