1: WTF Porn Addiction Is a Real Thing...?

Years of research are now showing that porn is rewiring our brains and negatively impacting mental health and relationships as a result.  It’s time to shed light on a topic that society continuously turns a blind eye to… because WTF is it doing to us all long-term???

This is an unfiltered journey through the complexities of discovering a partner’s secret porn addiction turned sex addiction, the feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and embarrassment that overwhelm many women after experiencing Partner Betrayal Trauma, and the journey of healing, empowerment, and encouragement to rise from porn’s negative effects.

For more resources, follow along on Instagram and TikTok: https://www.instagram.com/wtfdoidonowpodcast/

Mandy is a trauma-informed and women's empowerment life coach. She's also a meditation teacher and breathwork facilitator. 

Transcript

 I guess I am making a podcast. So here we go.  Why am I here?  Let's just jump into, I'm going to skip over all the small talk. Fuck it. Whatever. Alright, last year, my partner's secret p*rn addiction traumatized me and I didn't know p*rn addiction existed and I didn't know about all the research that is coming out that's showing this addiction is real. 

It rewires people's brains and it's negatively impacting relationships as a result. I had no idea he was addicted to porn and we were in a multi-year relationship and living together. And on top of that, I had no idea this secret porn addiction he had turned into an actual sex addiction with other women, even to the point where he was getting a hotel room with a porn star. And  I felt blindsided. 

I felt like it was my fault and I did something to cause it. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, confused, lost, betrayed, angry. So fucking angry, beyond sad, depressed, disgusted by myself, disgusted by him. Like I could never trust myself again. Like how did I not catch this? How did I not know?  What was wrong with me? 

 Looking back at the relationship now I can totally connect the dots and see all the information was right in front of me. But in that moment, you don't know that porn addiction is a thing or that sex addiction can even be a thing either when you're in this committed relationship with someone. 

I just felt like it was because I must have not been good enough in bed. Not attractive enough, not s3xy enough, not dressing up or wearing makeup around the apartment enough. I thought it had to do with me, my body, my appearance, or lack thereof. Why would he be addicted to p*rn Why would it have turned into a sex addiction with other women? Why was he getting a hotel room with a p*rn star? Is my body that gross? 

Am I that gross? Does my vagina smell weird? I don't know. Like I just I could not make sense of it. And it, the reason I was like, it must be because I'm not good enough and something is wrong with me. And unfortunately I've realized this is happening to so many women across the world, whether you're in high school, college engaged, married, been married for decades with children. 

It's affecting women across all ages, all stages of relationships. I've met women who were married for 40 years with children and who had no idea their husband was suffering a secret porn addiction. I've met women in the United States where I live, but I've also met women in Europe, Korea, South Africa, Southeast Asia, all over the world who are experiencing p*rn negatively impacting their relationships and feeling blindsided, feeling gaslight, manipulated, shocked, confused, and feeling like it was their fault because they must have not been good enough.  And it is heartbreaking. 

And so this is why I'm making this podcast because something needs to change and we need to start speaking up about this. I have spent almost a year obsessively researching the scientific studies done by prestigious medical universities, neuroscientists, and addiction experts to understand what is happening. And why are some people referring to p*rn as a global health crisis and a p*rn addiction epidemic?  I know this is affecting so many women and it's going to continue affecting so many women with p*rn addiction being one of the fastest growing addictions because it's free, it's easily accessible, 

it's normalized by society and accepted by society. You can easily do it in private, anywhere on your phone and there's no visible hangover effects if you were on an alcohol or drug bender. It's so easy to hide it until it slowly progressive over the years and decades and it turns into a habit, a compulsion, an escalating behavior, or  even an addiction.  I remember when I was younger and I would hear stories like this, I'd be like, how did the female not catch this? Like the information must have been in front of her. But then you talk to all these women like myself who find out their partner has a secret porn or sex addiction and you feel so blindsided. You never expect your partner to be doing this. And.  Ah, I just, I don't want to shame women. 

I don't want to blame women. It's not their fault and I want them to know it's not their fault for not catching this. And to just know that this addiction wasn't their fault.  Most people access p*rn when they're young teenagers or even earlier and the brain isn't fully developed and no one was there to educate them on the research we now have. Similar to how cigarettes were originally marketed as this product that helps you become happy, healthy, and was so normalized and accepted by society.  But then experts started studying and researching it and realized, oh wait, this has harmful effects and can be addictive. We're at that same point in time with P*rn  P*rn is scientifically proven to be rewiring people's brain. The prefrontal cortex, the reward system, their dopamine. It's negatively impacting mental health, 

self-esteem, body image. It results in more loneliness, anxiety, depression, and shame cycles. Effects s3xual health. There's less s3xual satisfaction by people who consume p0rn P0rn induced erectile dysfunction, difficulty finishing ejaculating becoming less attracted to your partner and yes, that is scientifically proven. It can turn into a s3x addiction. 

It results in increased objectification and sexual violence towards women and human trafficking. It increases the chances of cheating and infidelity and divorce even if you're happy in your marriage or relationship. We have generations going to p0rn and when they feel lonely, sad, stressed, or bored, or just need a dopamine hit to make themselves feel better. 

And we have research now saying that p0rn can actually increase those negative feelings in the long run and leads to more loneliness. It leads to more anxiety, more depression, and it's impacting mental health. It can make you feel worse long term.  And every single claim I just said is backed by scientific research. 

And I want to use this podcast to dive into that so people can see how porn is rewiring brains on an individual level and then how that goes to affect relationships and what this means. There are  experts, therapists, coaches, professional resources. There are so many out there helping people quit porn. But I want to help the women who are affected by their partner's 

porn use or who think it may be affecting their relationship. Because this shit fucking destroyed me and I was seconds away from taking my life because the pain was so overwhelming, shocking and confusing and I hated myself after it. 

And I want to educate society on this topic. I want women to feel validated for feeling the pain that you feel and to know that your partner's secret porn or sex addiction was not your fault. And it has nothing to do with you. And I want to show you how you can heal from this. Whether you walk away or decide to stay,  no one can make that decision, but you.  I chose to walk away because that was the right thing for me. When this happened to me, I didn't have someone who had been through this before to help me figure out what to do and how to heal. I met many girls along the way on my healing journey, who it just happened to 

and they heard my story so they reached out and they were so helpful for that sense of community. But I didn't have someone who has been through it longer than me. Who could give me the tips and the advice and someone I could just cry to during those moments of desperation during those moments where I was like, oh my God, did I make such a bad decision walking away? 

 Am I ever going to be happy again? And am I ever going to love myself again? Am I ever going to trust myself again? I didn't have someone who could share with me from their experience of walking away and who could tell me that everything will be okay and healing is possible and I'll feel happiness again. And so if that's you I want you to know you're not alone  and healing is possible. And you'll find happiness again.  It's almost been a year 

and I still tear up thinking about all of this, because it has been such a fucking journey and it breaks my heart to know all the women who are out there   thinking this is their fault. It's not your fault. And it has nothing to do with you. And you are so worthy and deserving of love. 

Even if you don't feel like it right now. I did not feel like it after it took me a long time to feel worthy of love and worthy of healthy love and worthy of my own love. It's hard. This trauma fucks you up. But healing is possible. And I just, even if this just helps one woman  to get the courage to move forward  another day to keep moving forward in life.  I just hope is hope this can help someone. I didn't find a support group until I was about seven or eight months into my healing journey 

and I felt so alone for so long and I want to be there to help others now. A lot of the resources I came across were to help people in marriages and to work through the porn addiction together. There weren't any resources for people like me. What do you do if you found out and decided to leave? How do I rebuild my life? 

How do I navigate being single after coming out of a relationship where I was living with this person and he was my forever. How do I deal with this pain when 99% of my friends are in long-term relationships, engaged or married, and they can't relate to the trauma and the pain and the fear and the doubts that I'm feeling. How do I love myself when I hate myself so much right now? I felt so alone,  lost and confused and every day, I was like, what the fuck do I do now? 

Where the fuck do I go from here? And sorry for swearing, if that offends you, but  when you're in that situation, when it is so paralyzing and you just don't know how to move forward.  I found myself saying, fuck a lot and I'm not going to unfilter that. I just want to help be that guide for you too if you are in a similar place or if you know someone who's in a similar place.  And I never ever want to shame women who stay. I will never do that. 

And I don't believe in that. Every relationship, person and journey is different. Do what's best for you. That's it. But regardless of if you stay or leave, I want to help provide the tools to empower you to heal yourself and tap into your innate power, your wisdom, your voice, your self love, and confidence. Whether you stay or leave, you need to heal yourself. 

And that is the only way to get through this. That is the secret to getting through this.  There's a quote that goes, "Imagine being bit by a snake. And instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison. You are trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn't deserve that."  

I'm going to say that again, because it's an important mindset reframe.  

"Imagine being bit by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison.  You are trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn't deserve that."  

Or,  imagine you get bit by a snake and you have this poison in you. And instead of healing yourself to get rid of the poison, you focus your time and energy on healing the snake so that it doesn't bite you again.  You still have this poison in you and you need to prioritize healing yourself so you can get better.  Don't prioritize healing them. Prioritize healing yourself so you can move forward so you can get better 

so you can feel more empowered and stronger coming out of this because you will come out of this. I promise.  I want you to love yourself again, because I hated myself after this happened to me and I know I'm not alone for feeling that way. I know females who almost check themselves into a psychiatric care because they wanted to take their lives and they didn't feel safe being alone because the pain was so overwhelming. I want you to know you're not alone for however you feel. I want you to be happy again, to laugh again, to trust yourself again, to love your body again, to feel optimistic about your future again, because this trauma does such a good job at making you think you will never feel those things again.  I want to educate you on porn addiction and how it is scientifically proven to rewire the brain and how this affects relationships and for you to see this was never your fault and you couldn't have prevented it because it wasn't your fault. 

And it had nothing to do with you.  In  This p*rn addiction likely started years before they even met you.  Let that sink in.  It happened before they met you  you're not to blame and it has nothing to do with you.  Yeah, of course you can be pissed the f*ck off that they kept it a secret for so long. That was not right for them to do that. 

And some experts say that's psychological buse and I 100% agree.  It is not okay they did that, but just know it is not a reflection of your worth.  Their behaviors and their actions does not define your worth.  And we are it going to help you love yourself  and love life again.  Even if you feel like you'll never experience that again.  

I want to help you feel empowered and resilient. Because you fucking are. You are so fucking powerful and so fucking resilient. This trauma  is some people's biggest fear. And you are literally living it. 



You are fucking resilient. 

Okay. And you can get through this.  I want you to finally see and believe how fucking amazing you are. And I know it's hard to even believe that when people would tell me that after I would just cuss them out in my head please, you don't know anything I'm going through. You don't know how I feel. 

What experience do you have to tell me that? My experience is that I fucking  went through it too. And I know it's so hard to even believe that right now. But one day, you're going to look back on this and see how much you've grown because of it. And how much more you love yourself, respect yourself. I want to show you that anger and sadness you're feeling is your f*cking superpower. Okay. We are going to tap into that and let it light a fire under your ass and f*cking transform you. Our sadness and anger are such powerful and beautiful emotions because it's showing us where things are not okay. It's showing us where we feel triggered, hurt, disrespected. Like our boundaries have been crossed and it's showing us how we can move forward and find our innate voice, our power and wisdom to overcome this and become the best version of ourselves. Our sadness and our anger is what's going to help us climb this f*cking mountain and find ourselves in the process and love ourselves in the process. 



 I will not listen to the status quo anymore that normalizes porn. When all the research is showing how it can negatively impact people who consume it and even their partners who don't consume it. And I'm not here to shame those who watch porn  and I realize most people stumbled upon porn at a young age when their brains weren't fully developed and no one was there educating them on the research we have. And I'm not disregarding the fact that women struggle with porn too. 

I have close female friends who struggle with porn, and I never want to shame them either. The people are not the issue. The issue is how society has normalized porn and it's not educating people on the research we now have saying porn can be really harmful.  



There comes a time in our life when we enter a fork in the road and we have two paths we can go down.  One path is to keep doing things as we are and will be presented with the same situations, the same troubles, the same problems and the same types of relationships. We stay the same way we are now. 

And we wake up day after day, continuing to be the person that you are today. And eventually that turns into weeks, months, years, and decades of you staying in the same and that becomes your life, but it feels safe because it's a familiar pain and we know what to expect.  That's route one. Route two is a path of change. To change our beliefs, to learn how to love ourself, to start new habits, new routines, new ways of showing up in life, working through self limiting, beliefs, fears, and insecurities, fears of maybe being on your own, fears of maybe starting over, and taking command of our life. 

Like we are the CEO in our own life and we call the shots for what we do and don't allow in our life. We are finally stepping into that drivers seat seat of our life and taking full  control. You become that main character in your life instead of being the supporting role.  However, this pain feels scary because we don't know what to expect and it's unfamiliar pain.  At least with the other route, we know what type of pain to expect, but this route, we don't know what pain or opportunities to expect. 

And that feels scarier. 

As humans, our brain are wired to choose the known over the unknown. Our brains are wired to choose the known pain over the unknown pain. But I promise you it's worth it. This is the path of self healing and long-term positive change. Whether you're deciding to walk away from your partner or to stay.  Either way you have to heal yourself.  This is the path where you tap into your power, your strength, your wisdom, your voice, yourself, love and confidence, even if you've never felt it before. This is the path where new doors, new opportunities and healthier relationships open because you're prioritizing yourself and you're healing.  When we feel uncomfortable, that is the new doorway or path opening. It is the new way of living, where you prioritize yourself, your healing and your love for yourself, even if this is your first time that you ever feel love for yourself.  When you start to prioritize your healing and learn to fall in love with yourself, that is where the magic happens. This is how we get through whatever issue life tossed our way. We as females live in a society where society always tells us we are too much, we are not enough, to be quiet, to not be too loud, to not be too opinionated, to not use our voice, whatever the f*ck it may be. 

We have always grown up with society telling us that we are flawed, that we are imperfect and that we are not enough the way you are. And so now we find ourselves in this relationship with someone, we likely thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives with and we find out they are addicted to p*rn and other women's bodies. God, of course, it's going to f*cking make you feel horrible about yourself. Of course, you're going to feel angry and of course you're going to internalize it thinking it was all your fault and how normal of a response it is to have that. You're not alone for feeling like that. There's going to be the version of you before the partner betrayal trauma and there's going to be the version of you after the partner betrayal trauma.  

And that's scary. 

A lot of our beliefs about society, about relationships, about love, about safety, about trust, about intimacy really gets challenged and it's scary, but 

when we step into that driver's seat of our life. When we become that CEO of our life, when we embrace this main character energy. We can control what we do and don't allow into our life anymore. And we do that by loving ourselves, by learning how to respect ourselves, by healing ourselves, by setting up boundaries, by trying new, different healing modalities and finding a community who can support us and support our growth in this.  PTSD is real but so is post-traumatic growth. Healing is possible. 

And this is what I want this podcast to be. 

I want this to be a place where you can come and you can feel empowered where you can learn different healing modalities, where you can feel validated for how you feel, where you can learn, how to find your voice, how to love yourself, 

how to find your power,  your wisdom,  your self-love,  your confidence and your voice. 

 There's so many resources that help the addict.  I want this to be a resource to help you and to help educate you along the way. And even if you've never experienced betrayal trauma, but you're just curious about porn. You're curious if maybe it's showing up in your relationship or you're just curious because you have kids who will likely stumble across porn most do by the age of.  13. 

I don't remember what the exact number is. So please don't quote me on that, but it's really  young.  And so I want this  to be a place of education where we can talk about p*rn instead of having it be this taboo topic that just continuously gets shoved under the rug  we can't keep going on like that as a society because it is affecting so many people so negatively.  





 When I was thinking of creating a podcast for this, I just started writing down different types of topics that I want to cover. 

And within two minutes I had over 40 different topics of things that I really struggled with during this journey of things I still struggle with during this journey, I'm not completely  healed.  I don't think anyone can just take all that pain , but

you learn how to alchemize it and turn it into something else. And you find this new way of living that feels powerful. That feels good  that feels happy. That feels healthy again. You can work with the pain and we can minimize it a lot over time. But you only can do that by focusing on healing yourself. 

Sorry. I digress. My first time, I don't really know what I'm doing. But yes, going back to the different topics I want to cover on this podcast because I've learned so much and it's essentially everything I wish some one would have just told me in the beginning, it's helped me get through this dumpster fire shit storm, whatever the f*ck this trauma is crazy.  Also if you're navigating partner betrayal trauma and want to find a free community of other women from all walks of life who are navigating this to and access to research and professional services and experts on this topic. And there's daily and weekly zoom classes that cover a range of topics to help also just message me on Instagram. 

I'll include my Instagram  in the show notes. If you reach out and you don't want to share your story, that's fine. You of course don't need to, you can literally just message me saying support group.  If that's all you want to say, and I'll send you a link. I met one of the founders of the support group during my meditation teacher training 

and she's amazing the platform is so robust.  One of the side effects of going through this trauma is isolation and not trusting people. We internalize it. We are shameful. We are embarrassed. We feel guilty like it's our fault. 

Like we did something and I just want you to know, again, it's not your fault. You couldn't have prevented this and you didn't cause it. I just can't be quiet anymore. 

There are so many women being affected and it breaks my heart every time someone reaches out to me after hearing my story and they gone through something similar.  I just want this to be a place of empowerment and to let you know, you can get through this I hope to have experts on here who were helpful in my healing journey and people who can view this addiction from different angles, because I think that's so helpful to have a full understanding of really what is going on. Yeah. 

And I'm sorry that if this has happened to you, but I just want you to know healing is possible. You can get through it.  You're validated to feel anger. Don't feel like you have to keep yourself quiet. Don't feel like you have to forgive right away.   

 I still don't forgive  📍 my ex-partner . That's something I'm working on for me for closure, but maybe, if you want to send  📍 me a check for all my therapy and healing money.  If you're listening to this I'll happily take some  money. 

To pay for everything you put me through.  

Sorry, I'm going to be on a unhinged on this with no filter because this is a topic that needs to be discussed and I will not be quiet. Yep. Thanks for listening. And.  I don't know how you end this. It's going to say bye  bye!