3: Red Flags He May Watch a Lot of Porn (Or Have a Porn Addiction)

This episode discusses warning signs he may watch a lot of porn or have a potential porn addiction from women who discovered it in their relationships/marriages. Research continuously shows porn can rewire the brain and have a negative impact on relationships. Whether you're in a relationship or actively dating and vetting out potential partners, this episode contains information from betrayed partners navigating Partner Betrayal Trauma  (women who were in marriages/relationships and discovered their partner had a secret porn addiction years into the relationship).

Links to articles and research mentioned in the episode:
- https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf
- https://fightthenewdrug.org/science-behind-porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction/
- https://fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-can-distort-consumers-understanding-of-healthy-sex/
- https://fightthenewdrug.org/3-reasons-why-relationships-and-porn-dont-mix/
- https://fightthenewdrug.org/lets-talk-about-porn/

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• P*rn addiction recovery resource: Click here

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Transcript

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  All right. So in this episode, we are just going to talk about things to be aware of. Whether you've been in a relationship with your partner for awhile, or if you're dating and vetting up potential partners. I have been asked this question a lot by people. Like what do you look for? And so you asked and I am answering.  And if you're listening to this and you don't have any concerns about porn, Or you're like, yeah, like I'm sure he watches it, but it's just a girl on the screen so it's not a big deal. Boys will be boys, whatever. I totally get you. I used to have that same perspective. And a lot of the betrayed partners I've spoken to weren't against porn either. Until tell they experienced it and learned what it can do to a relationship, the research behind it, how it does rewire brains, and how this addiction slowly progress is over the years and people be can become desensitized to it so it escalates. And can even turn into a sex addiction. And when I say betrayed partner, I mean, a woman in a committed, exclusive heterosexual relationship who found out her partner had a secret porn or sex addiction years after they had already been together, whether that be a marriage with kids engagement or just dating or living together. And I'm not telling you what to think about porn, and I'm not saying every person who watches porn is addicted, and that men shouldn't be trusted, and I'm not ignoring the fact that women also struggled with porn but I wish I would've known someone speaking up about this when I felt like I was going crazy. 

And one of my relationships, because something started to feel off.  But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what it was.  And this episode has been so difficult to put together because porn and sex addictions are so complex. They vary depending on how far into it someone is and addicts are not stupid people. Of all the betrayed partners I've heard from, I am shocked at how long the addict was able to keep this a secret. And how quote unquote normal, the addict appeared to his friend's family and his significant other.  The thing that's so difficult about porn addiction is that it's not like the super visible thing you can just detect as if someone was an alcoholic. The man usually comes into the relationship with the porn addiction and it starts to affect the relationship when the addiction is progressing over the years. And really getting out of control for him and it has already escalated and it may be start to affecting his work, his mental health, the relationship is slowly changing, or him visibly acting out and cheating because unfortunately that can be a common sign of porn addiction. And that's why I feel so passionate about talking about this because I think a lot of people think a porn addiction can just stick to the screen and that there's no real harm to it. But there are so many people where it escalates and it goes off the screen and into real life. There are hundreds of studies that show porn can negatively impact relationships and rewires brains. Infidelity is the number one cause of divorce now and research shows porn can contribute to infidelity. A study found that partners who consume porn were twice as likely to cheat on their partner. And people who consume porn alone and with their partner reported that they were three times as likely to cheat on their partner.  Another study found that porn consumption was the second strongest sign a relationship would suffer.  And studies show people who consume porn become less happy and satisfied in their relationships. Studies also show people who consume porn frequently can become less attracted to their partner sexually. And I've heard many men who are addicted to porn and say something like, oh, I never thought I cheat on her. 

I never thought I'd be that guy but then the porn progressed over the years and it got out of control.  So I want to educate people, not in a way to scare them and not to be like, oh, every man has a secret addiction trust no man. No, that's not what I'm saying at all. But it's a slow erosion and the relationship and things build up over time. 

And again, I just wish someone was talking about this when I thought I was losing it.  There starts to be psychological abuse with lying, gaslighting, and manipulation in the relationship. And it's honestly really hard to notice once you've been in the relationship for a while because it starts so small. 

And you just think you're the crazy one, and you start doubting yourself, making up excuses for their behavior, and your self-confidence starts to slowly erode. 

There's a paper called the secret sexual basement by Dr. Omar Minwall   it talks about how sexual betrayal be that a porn addiction or a sex addiction  is a domestic abuse and I'll link it into the show notes. 

But after going through this, and after talking to so many women who have gone through this, I completely support that yes, this is psychological abuse. It is domestic abuse. So I'll link that into the show notes but I mentioned that to caveat how this feels.

So I want to share some of the things women have reported experiencing in the relationship behind closed doors. And I always want you to encourage women to trust their gut instinct, which I know is so fucking hard, especially in a society that always tells us to ignore it. But I've heard a lot, a lot. Uh, I can't talk. But I've heard a lot of women say they knew something was off. 

They kept ignoring their gut instinct. They never really thought their partner was cheating on them in real life, but they just couldn't figure out what it was.  they just didn't know so they just kept ignoring their gut instinct. And I know it's so hard to trust your gut instinct if you've experienced trauma and you don't feel a sense of safety with yourself or others. 

So I don't want to disregard how difficult it can be to listen to your guts. I am guilty of it. I ignored mine for over a year. And again, I'm not here to say that this is what every man does, or that everyone who watches porn is addicted. But I just wish I would've known women speaking up about this when I started to have my doubts so I knew what to start researching and I knew where to, so I would have known where to start looking for help.  

And one thing to caveat after speaking with betrayed partners is that not every partner noticed every sign I'm about to say. Some women only noticed a few where others notice many and some never noticed specific signs. And that's why this has been so difficult to come up with this episode, because it is a complex addiction and it can show up in different ways, especially depending how far into the addiction they are. Because it can be a really slow progression over the years and the decades. However, there were similarities between everyone's stories. 

So I did want to share these.  And always before we jump in, I'm not here to ignore the fact that women struggle with porn too. And I'm not not trying to shame any woman by only talking about men who struggle. But for the sake of this episode, we'll just be talking about heterosexual relationships where the man is the addict. Because those are the cases where I've obtained this information from.  And again, I didn't experience all of these in my relationship and not every sign will be in the relationship. But this is more so just like a general list I've put together from betrayed partners. 


All right. Let's dive into it. The first one porn induced, erectile dysfunction. Also spelled as P I E D.  There are a few different versions of this and it can look like the man not being able to get hard, not being able to stay hard, having a delayed ejaculation, meaning it takes quite a while for them to orgasm, or on the other hand, they're not able to orgasm.  There is a certified sex addict therapist named Dr. 

Robert Weiss and he wrote an article in psychology today that says the amount of porn, a man watches is linked to erectile dysfunction. More porn equals more erectile dysfunction. Depending on the research anywhere from 17% to 58% of men who self identify as heavy, compulsive, or addicted users of porn struggle with some form of sexual satisfaction, meaning they can't stay hard or they have delayed ejaculation, or they're not able to ejaculate. Basically research tells us that the more porn and one uses. The more likely sexual dysfunction is.  The cliff notes version for why this happens is because people can become desensitized to porn, build a tolerance and need more extreme or intense porn in order to feel stimulated and aroused.  Even doctors are finding a growing number of young men who can't get hard for a partner anymore but can still get hard when they watch porn. 

If you want to dive deeper, there's a great article about this by fight the new drug I'll link in the show notes, and they even explore how the brain works neuro transmitters, the reward system, and dopamine to better explain porn induced erectile dysfunction.  Tying back to porn induced erectile dysfunction. Another thing to look for is do you have to plan out when you're having sex so that it's the right timing and situation for your partner?  Betrayed partners have reported that they would initiate sex with their partner 

and then the partner couldn't get hard and the partner would say it was because this wasn't the right time for them. So they would let the partner call the shots on when they would have sex.  They found this was because the partner couldn't get hard because he already watched porn earlier in the day and he doesn't have any sexual energy left in him. So he's trying to know ahead of time when he should and shouldn't watch porn so that he can hopefully stay hard. 

Another thing to look out is, do they need to watch porn with you to get hard? Or do they need to watch porn before they get with you to get hard?  I know some relationships like to watch porn together and do what you want to do. I'm not telling you that's bad. I'm not shaming. You do whatever. But I would recommend paying attention if your partners only able to get off by watching porn, because that can be a red flag of a porn addiction. My question for you would be what happens if you remove porn from the relationship for a few months? 

Not just remove it once or twice or every now and then, like, what happens if you really remove the porn from the relationship? Are they not able to get hard anymore or they're not able to get aroused anymore. Did they respond in a healthy way, or did they become irritable or defensive when you said you wanted to remove it? Do they initiate sex less because now they're just going to porn instead. I would just be something I would keep my eye on.

Another thing to look out for is, has their interest in sex changed? Are they not initiating sex as much as they used to or does it seem like they've lost interest in sex or make up excuses for why they aren't in the mood?  Obviously, as you get further along in relationships, the amount of sex you may have decreases because you're not in that crazy honeymoon phase anymore 

and life gets busy. I totally get that. And I'm not, that's not what I'm saying here. However women often reported that their self-esteem and self-confidence started decreasing because it seemed like their partner wasn't sexually into them anymore and like the partner just wanted to have a companionship and like a best friendship instead of a sexual relationship.  Researchers refer to porn as a supernormal stimulus, which means people who watch porn can start to prefer porn over real sex and research shows that people who enjoy extreme porn tend to prefer porn to real life sex.  

Some betrayed partners report feeling like their partner lost interest in having sex with them or wouldn't initiate as often so the women would try to initiate it more, but then the man would say the woman wasn't initiating it at the right time or in the right way. And so then the woman started to believe that it was their fault and that they weren't initiating sex in the quote unquote right way.  For example, a woman reported she started to initiate it a lot more because he wasn't doing it often. And he would complain that he likes to have sex in the morning so that's why he's not interested in the afternoon or at night. So then the woman would initiate sex in the morning, but then the man would say, oh, I don't have time because I have to go to work or whatever it may be. Like, there was always a reason why she wasn't doing it right.  Betrayed partners often report making excuses to justify his behavior. Even if you initially feel their behavior isn't right you internalize it and Gaslight yourself in a way by being like, okay. Yeah. Like maybe I should've done this different.  

Oh, so just as a caveat, some people think of sex addiction means you and your partner having sex all the time, which can be true. But there's a portion of betrayed partners who report their partner, who ended up being a sex addict rarely wanted to have sex with them so they never thought their partner had a sex addiction.  However, for these cases, after finding out about the sex addiction, they realized their partner was just seeking out sex with other people behind their back. 

So the partner didn't have a craving to have sex with them.  The sex addict liked the novelty of being with different women, similar to porn, when you're always with a different person and experiencing a different type of sex scene. The porn on the screen, wasn't enough to get them aroused anymore so they started acting out in real life by sleeping with different women and expecting that novelty you do in porn another thing to look out for is, has their tastes in sex changed in an unusual way.  Has sex started to become more aggressive or more demanding of you? Or are they asking you to do things that make you feel used, disrespected, or not like a romantic partner?  Does it feel like the sex has turned more into what you may find in porn? 

Meaning it's aggressive and it's focused on the male's pleasure instead of focusing on the woman's pleasure. And of course like sex styles are going to change in relationships and yes, you should explore new ways and keep your sex life fun. I'm not saying your sex should just be vanilla and always be the same. This is more so like, is it becoming more aggressive and less respectful? And is it more focused on them and not on you and your pleasure?  Studies have analyzed popular porn videos and it's estimated that at least one in three porn videos and as many as nine in 10 videos show acts of physical aggression or violence. While 48% -about half- contained verbal aggression.  And research shows that women are the targets of aggression or violence about 97% of the time.  90 fucking 7% of the time women are the targets of aggression or violence similar to cigarettes, people can become desensitized to porn, where they need to watch more extreme forms of porn, because what they were watching, isn't able to arouse them anymore. So often the more they consume porn, the more intense and extreme the porn becomes and then the porn consumer often wants to act that out in real life with partners. I'll also link another article by fight the new drug that breaks this down into more information in the show notes.  

Another thing to pay attention is their eyes during sex. Do their eyes look like it's kind of this like glossed over stare.  Meaning, does it feel like they're having like a deep emotional connection with eye contact during sex, or does it feel like they kind of have this glossed over stare that feels emotionless? 

Like the lights are on, but no, one's home.  And no, I'm not saying like you should have direct eye contact, 24 7 during sex. But betrayed partners often to report it felt like he was just in a different place mentally. And on a similar note are there eyes closed during sex, especially when they're trying to finish? Often men who consume porn frequently need to close their eyes and visualize porn scenes in order to ejaculate. 

So it's like, they're just using your body as a means to an end while visualizing other women doing other sexual things.  And on a similar note are they only finishing when you're on your stomach or when they're not looking at your face so that they can visualize these porn scenes.  

And again, I'm not seeing every man who does this as immediately. Addicted to porn. But it's something to take into consideration.  Why is he not making eye contact and or why is he closing his eyes when he's trying to finish why why does he have to think of something else?   

Another thing to look out for is, are they becoming critical of your appearance, or generalizing your features to all women? Meaning are they starting to comment on your body in a negative way or saying that you need to improve something? Whether it's your stomach, your butt, your boobs, your facial features, the way you dress, your style of makeup, or how you perform in bed. Research found that consuming pornography can make people less satisfied with their partners physical appearance and sexual appearance. 

And no, this has nothing to do with you being inadequate or not enough, or not attractive enough, whatever it may be. But it has everything to do with the unrealistic bodies and the exaggerations that they continuously see in porn. You shouldn't have to compete with porn stars and you are enough just the way you are. Don't allow a man to talk down to you.

They have unrealistic expectations of what females should look like. The females are seen in porn have boob jobs, they have work done to their face there, their hair is different, they have fake eyelashes, they have camera crews, they have lighting, it's all posed for the perfect angle so that the man can see what they want. 

And you shouldn't have to compete with that. Like you are perfect the way you are. And his desire to watch porn doesn't have to do with you being an inadequate 

Also when they compliment your physical appearance, are they generalizing it for all females? For example, when he talks about liking asses, is he saying, oh, you're ass turns me on or is he saying asses are my favorite body part on girls? Betrayed partners have reported their body felt like it was being generalized to all women and not being appreciated or complimented as their own body or like their body was truly being cherished. And this can lead back to research, showing how porn consumers are more likely to objectify people and to see people as a collection of body parts.  

Another thing to keep in mind is how does he respond when you bring up porn?  Betrayed partners have reported that when they brought up porn or only fans specifically, when they started asking to see, like, what type of porn do they watch? How often do they watch it? Is it daily every other day, weekly? 

Like how many scenes do they watch? How long are they watching it for? Their partner was defensive or would turn it around on them and their answers often change when they would ask them about it a second time or third time, weeks or months later. Meaning their answer kept changing because the partner was lying and they didn't remember what version of the story they told.  It's kind of equivalent if you were to talk to an alcoholic about their drinking behavior. They may get defensive be in denial, come up with excuses or try to shift the blame on you.  

If you're comfortable with your partner messaging girls on only fans, sex chats, live webcams, whatever it may be. Then of course you do what ever you want to do. 

It's your relationship and everyone is different. I'm not here to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But for me, I'm not comfortable having a partner messaging girls.  And I think that blurs the lines for cheating, especially on only fans and live webcams. People may not agree with me, but I believe women deserve to know the type of content he watches, how intense or extreme it is, how often -is it daily? Is it every other day? Is it weekly? Is it live webcams? Does he have porn girlfriends? Is he messaging them and if so, what are they saying? 

And how often? Is he paying for any subscriptions or premium content on only fans or webcam girls or other sites? I believe women and partners deserve to know this information.  If you're interested in bringing it up, porn into your partner, I'll link a guide in the show notes by fight the new drug and it's a conversation blueprint. 

So you can talk to your partner without coming off as aggressive, accusatory and just from a general interest and curiosity. So you can really have a healthy conversation about porn and be clear on what you do and don't allow and what you do or don't feel okay with.  

Another thing to pay attention to is how they act towards their phone. And I'm not trying to say you shouldn't trust him and you should invade his privacy, but how does he act towards his phone? If you live together does he take it room to room? Always in the bathroom, even if he's just peeing of course, like we mostly all take our phone to the bathroom to keep us entertained, but does he obsessively holds onto it everywhere he goes and is always glued to him? 

And on a related note, is he comfortable with you holding his phone out of his sight?  Like in a different room or even away from the house knowing  his passcode or does he need to see what you're doing on his phone or does he make up excuses for why he needs it back after a few minutes when you're holding it? The relationship with the phone is quite important because if they do have an addiction, this is most likely where they stored their addiction is on their phone. 

 Another thing to keep in mind on that topic is there internet search history completely cleared so you can't see anything? Or if you go to the internet search history, is there absolutely no signs of porn and they're actively deleting every search of it, whether it be on a standard browser, incognito mode, whatever it may be. Most men watch porn. 

I'm not going to say every man watches porn, but for them to completely hide it and remove every single search of it is odd.  You wouldn't be deleting search histories if you didn't think it was wrong. In my opinion. 

Another thing. If your gut instinct is just screaming at you, like something may be going on with your partner. If they have an apple phone and you want to see what apps they've downloaded and what subscriptions they have. Go to their settings on their phone, click their name at the top of the apple ID and then click go to subscriptions. I had a friend who looked at his subscriptions and app downloads and found that he even had a secret app that looked like a calculator. The icon was a calculator, but if you were to click on it, it was actually secret photo vault to hide photos.  And again, I'm not trying to say all this to be like, oh my gosh, you partners un faithful and addicted to porn go invade his privacy. 

I'm not, not trying to say that. And I know it totally sounds like that, but that's not my intention, but just a lot of the women said they found out by snooping through his phone and getting a little bit sneaky. So if you have a gut instinct, I'm going to be the unhinged friend telling you to not ignore it and to go snoop through his phone.  Oops. 

All right. Sorry. Back to back to this.  If you feel like you're going crazy in the relationship, whatever it may be. For any reason, a lot of betrayed partners have reported this and they could never pinpoint what the issue was. Something felt wrong, something felt off, they didn't think the partner was cheating, but the addicted partner always had excuses for their maybe strange behavior that could be justified. So the women started internalizing it and thinking they were the issue. That something was their fault. 

And they just took the blame for everything because they love this person so much and they were their best friend and there are a lot of good times still, and they had so much fun together and they were proud of the life they created together.  Of course, you never want to suspect someone would be capable of doing this.  

But I just can't iterate enough if you feel like you are going crazy in the relationship. A lot of women experienced this and  it's the psychological abuse it's slowly happening. It's the lying, the manipulation, the love bombing, the gaslighting, whatever it may be. And

I'm going to be unhinged and say, go through his phone. Like, I know that some people are literally going to be, what the fuck is this girl saying and they, why does she think all men are bad? I don't, but I have just met so many women who have been in marriages for so long with kids who had no idea it was happening, but slowly things started to happen over time in their relationship. And they're like, am I going crazy? What is going on? Then lo and behold, they found out their partner had a porn addiction or the secret get sex addiction. And once you start to learn about how porn impacts relationships and how it rewires your brain, , everything just makes sense.  And I'm not trying to minimize any betrayed partners who have gone through this. 

I'm not trying to say like, oh, once you find out everything's okay. Of course not. There's so much grief and it is, it, it implodes your life. It implodes your heart. It is the. Oh my gosh, I don't wish this upon anyone. It is horrible, but I do want to educate people to be, at least be like, well, here's somethings you could look out for if you feel like you're going crazy in the relationship.  And again, I'm not here to say don't trust your partner. I'm not saying he's addicted to porn or that he's cheating. I'm not saying that even if he watches porn, now he's automatically addicted. But I've just had so many women reach out to me asking this question so I wanted to put together signs I've heard of from other partners. And again, not every addicted partner showed every sign. Everyone was different, especially depending on what degree they were into their addiction. But it's just something to keep an eye on.  

I said this earlier, but I wish I would have heard a woman talking about this when I thought I was going crazy. And I've heard other betrayed partners say that true. So I'm sorry if this came off as super cynical and this isn't an easy topic to talk about. I actually get really nervous when I speak up about it, because I don't want to offend anyone or scare anyone because it's such a sensitive taboo topic that a lot of people struggle with. But I hope I by having in these conversations and hearing what other women have experienced it can help some women know that they aren't alone, it isn't your fault, and you aren't crazy for feeling the way you do. And I also hope it can help some men better understand how it may feel from the woman's perspective. And again, if you're interested in talking about porn to your partner, but you may feel nervous or feel like you don't have a right to know, I totally feel you. 

It took me a long time to finally muster up the courage and bring it up to my partner. I was so scared and I felt like I'd come across as controlling, bitchy, and insecure like I was overstepping because our society normalize it so much. And it's very much so that perspective, oh, well like boys will be boys, every boy does it, what's the big deal. But I. I don't agree with that anymore.  So I'll link a guide in the show notes by fight the new drug and it's a conversation blueprint so you can talk to your partner without coming off as like aggressive, accusatory, whatever it may be. And you can just come off from a general interest and curiosity so you can really have a healthy conversation about porn and be clear on what you do and don't allow in what you do or don't feel okay with. Every relationship is different. Every person is different. Just do what makes you feel best. And they also have a guide if you want to talk to your child, a friend, your parents, whatever it may be. 

So I'll include that in the show notes.  Also, if you're listening and you're suddenly worried that your partner is addicted to porn, based on some of the signs I talked about. Please don't panic and jump to conclusions. Don't feel like you have to make this rash decision or like you have to go get angry and confront him whatever it may be. 

You're always more than welcome to reach out to me on Instagram at WTFDoIDoNow podcast and I'll include the link in the show bio.  I'm always here to talk as a safe place with zero judgment, and I'll never share any information with anyone. I'm not a licensed therapist I want to make that clear, but if you do find porn or sex addiction in your relationship. I highly recommend seeing an app, SATs therapist, AP S a T S  or a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma and porn or sex addiction. Don't just see any generic therapist you really want one who is trained in this, it would be equivalent to, I don't know, say you were training to become a professional basketball player and you started getting coaching from a tennis player, different sport, different skills, different knowledge that you need. 

So it really does make a difference on what type of therapist to look for.  If you want to talk more about that too, I'm always open. My therapist has been so helpful.  Yeah. So I'll include that link in the show bio as well for the app, SATs therapists, if you're interested. Um, yeah, that's all I had to say. Thanks for listening. I have no idea how to end these podcasts. So I am just going to say. Bye. Bye.