Society never teaches us how to express anger. We're taught that anger is not "ladylike" and we need to be sweet, gentle, kind, and quiet 24/7 but I disagree. Feelings are meant to be felt, not controlled. Our anger is so important and powerful because it's telling us that something isn't right. It's our body's way of communicating to us that we are hurt and we need to do something about it.
Betrayal brings out so much anger. I want you to know you are validated and normal for feeling this. You're not alone and many people struggle with the neverending feelings of anger after betrayal
In this episode, we explore how to finally release anger and how we can let it transform us.
Spotify playlist "RAGE IT OUT": https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1HGTx1HNFyIW4yuIx0pwO0?si=r_AlPZ_NRSOtQXIJSv_K_Q&pi=u-t7CJMV7gQ8eu&nd=1&dlsi=38bf9701e3a54a47
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wtfdoidonowpodcast/
Book: The Body Keeps The Score: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
Society never teaches us how to express anger. We're taught that anger is not "ladylike" and we need to be sweet, gentle, kind, and quiet 24/7 but I disagree. Feelings are meant to be felt, not controlled. Our anger is so important and powerful because it's telling us that something isn't right. It's our body's way of communicating to us that we are hurt and we need to do something about it.
Betrayal brings out so much anger. I want you to know you are validated and normal for feeling this. You're not alone and many people struggle with the neverending feelings of anger after betrayal
In this episode, we explore how to finally release anger and how we can let it transform us.
Spotify playlist "RAGE IT OUT": https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1HGTx1HNFyIW4yuIx0pwO0?si=r_AlPZ_NRSOtQXIJSv_K_Q&pi=u-t7CJMV7gQ8eu&nd=1&dlsi=38bf9701e3a54a47
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wtfdoidonowpodcast/
Book: The Body Keeps The Score: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
All right, so I'm just going to start off by saying this. If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone who was cheated on, Or found out their partner had a secret porn or sex addiction and they freaked the fuck out meaning they shattered their partner's phone. They kicked holes in the walls. They threw pictures of them against the wall. They punched their significant other they slapped them whatever in other words meaning the woman finally snapped and lost her shit. I mean If I had a dollar for every time I heard a story like that, I would take us all on the bougiest trip, because this is such a normal response, and I want you to feel validated to know that other women have reacted in that same way, and you're not overreacting, and I don't want you to feel shameful of your anger.
You are feeling anger because this person seriously overstepped your boundaries, and it would be weird if you didn't feel anger. And it would be weird if you didn't continue to feel anger for the months, and even years after the fact. Anger is here to tell us that something isn't right and that we are hurt.
And I just want to start by saying I'm not creating this episode to encourage violence by any means, I'm not doing that whatsoever. But I want to show people that it's normal and healthy to have anger and we should express and release our anger in healthy ways. When we tap into our anger and release it, it allows us to feel those good feelings again because it's not blocking us anymore.
The more you suppress this anger, the more it's going to show up and affect your body, and that's why so many people in unhealthy relationships or abusive relationships develop these chronic health conditions like an autoimmune disease because stress and anger can cause havoc in our body if we're not allowing ourselves to release it.
I myself have spent thousands of dollars in medical bills over the past year after being cheated on Trying to figure out what was wrong with my health I had this ringing sound in my ear and my ears were killing me. It was just like this always Constant static sound in my ear and it almost felt like it was like an ear infection and I saw So many different types of doctors.
I tried doing all these different blood tests. They were wondering if it was an autoimmune thing. They were wondering if I caught a weird bug while I was traveling internationally. It was just going on for on and on and on and on for so long. We even tried doing x rays of my ears to see if something was going on there.
And the most ironic thing is, I would say I visited, I don't know, 30 doctors, 25 out of the 30 all asked, have I experienced PTSD recently or some type of intense stressor in my life?
Until finally, I saw one doctor who said, Oh, it's actually not your ear that's the issue, it's your jaw that's the issue. It's called TMJ, and it's basically when your jaw joint and your jaw muscles are being so overused, and you're clenching your jaw so much. So then I look it up, only to find out that this is something called such a common sign of PTSD, which I experienced from partner betrayal trauma, because you're literally clenching your jaw out of anger and all the PTSD flashbacks that I'd be having, I'd be clenching my jaw.
And now I'm so more aware of it. And all the times I noticed myself clenching my jaw is when the thought of what my ex did to me angers me, when I have a flashback, when I think back to our fights or the lies, whatever it may be.
So I was like, okay, I need to really start to figure out how to release this anger because it's causing me serious issues in my body. And if you've never read the book, The Body Keeps the Score, I highly recommend it. It talks about how we store trauma and emotions in our body and how that can create diseases and long term health complications if we don't learn how to express it and release the trauma and the emotions.
So if you haven't read that, I highly recommend it. It's so interesting I'm a firm believer that feelings are meant to be felt. not controlled. And anger is a feeling, and it needs to be expressed in a healthy way. Society literally never tells us, especially as women, how to express anger. We're told it's not ladylike, and we need to be sweet, kind, and gentle. And honestly, fuck that. Your anger is so beautiful. It is so powerful. It is literally telling you something that something isn't right and that it hurts. Anger is how your body is literally communicating you saying like, this is not okay. Something needs to change. We can't keep ignoring it. I've had my biggest healing breakthroughs after expressing anger because I can finally think more clearly without having such clouded thoughts.
So I'm gonna walk us through a rage exercise that I have been doing lately and it has been so helpful and Before we get into it, I'm just gonna say you probably will think I'm crazy at the end of this episode But if you're also like me, where I was just so desperate to try to do anything to help me get through and navigate this pain, then I cannot recommend this enough because it has helped so much, so, so, so, so much.
Okay, so I have a playlist on Spotify called Rage It Out. I'll link it in the show notes, but essentially, let's say the first five songs, they're pretty scary songs, I'm gonna be honest. They're super heavy metal, very like intense, dark, like thrashing, just imagine you go to this like heavy metal concert, this is the music it is.
So, we are going to become that anger in those first few songs.
We're going to learn how to embody this anger, become this anger, release it in a healthy way, so that you can then feel those good feelings again. And I just want to caveat, of course you can't just do this one time and you're like, Oh, I'm magically healed. I'm so happy and everything is butterflies and rainbows again.
No, that's not what I'm saying. But this is such a helpful tool to use when you notice that you're getting really angry or when you catch your partner in another lie or you're having memories back to a time they were lying, whatever it may be, and you just feel so like, Oh, you just want to scream and punch.
Like this is what we are going to do and it's going to, I promise you it will help. So. Going back to that playlist the first five or so songs are these pretty dark songs and we're just going to embody that anger. I want you to sit on the ground close your eyes and envision This anger meaning what would it look like if this anger was an object or a person what shape is it?
What size is it? What attributes is it? What color is it? I want you to visualize so intensely what this anger looks like and just sit and look at it I mean not literally look at it, but look at it in your eyes. Okay, and I want you to talk to the anger. I want you to say, okay anger, what are you trying to tell me?
Or okay anger, what do you need from me?
And what does it want to say to you? For me, usually when I ask the anger, what do you need for me? What are you trying to tell me? What are you mad about? What hurt you? For me, the anger says, fuck that guy. Fuck him for lying. Fuck him for disrespecting you. Fuck him for taking those years of my life away that I'll never get back. Fuck him for creating a home with me sleeping with me in our bed every night, knowing he was sleeping around with other women too.
Fuck him for the sleepless nights, for the panic attacks, for the PTSD triggers I have to deal with, for the night terrors waking me up, screaming in the middle of the night from nightmares about him still, and And fuck him for every woman that came forward and told me about him. Fuck him for taking advantage of me.
Fuck him for lying. Fuck him for his narcissistic tendencies. For thinking he can control me and have power for me. And it just, my point being like, it just goes on and on and on. And let this rage build up within you. And this is where the music comes into play. Once you feel like you have identified the anger, what it looks like, what it wants to say, now we are going to pretend like we have become that object of that anger.
And we are going to thrash our fucking minds out. I told you that you were going to think I'm crazy after this, but honestly, this helps so much. And I highly recommend doing this when you're alone in the house when no one's there because you're going to feel pretty awkward.
But I want you to just play that music, put your headphones on and just scream into a pillow, scream out loud if you need to, punch your pillow, even take a baseball bat to your bed if you want to. And I just want you to release that anger. Pretend you are this anchor and just let it all out.
Just scream, cry, lay on the ground if you want to, and throw a temper tantrum like a child. Do whatever you need to do. And going back to the temper tantrum thing, sometimes I love to do this alone on my ground. And something I think is so cool is think of children when they get upset or sad. They throw a temper tantrum, they are upset, they scream, they cry, they do whatever they need to do.
And then they get that energy out of them and then five to ten minutes later after the temper tantrum, they're fine You don't notice them getting so hung up on the fact that of what they were just getting mad about They just move on with their day And this is what this is going to help us do and you will feel so much lighter after this
If you feel weird doing it, which you very likely will this took me Probably a handful of times to actually get comfortable doing it and not feeling like I was a complete crazy person But, if you feel weird doing it, try picturing me or a friend being there with you, someone that you feel comfortable with, and you two are doing this together.
Imagine you're just like, yes, sisterhood, womanhood, fuck men for lying, fuck men for taking advantage of us, fuck it, whatever it may be, just imagine you're doing it together and you're both laughing and saying, fuck this shit, and you two are just breaking shit together left and right, okay? Go have fun with it and don't be afraid like oh, what if someone sees me?
What if someone hears me you need to get this anger out and you are going to feel so so so so so good after I will choose to do this over therapy sessions sometimes because it feels so good but anyways Okay, so go through a few of those songs, pick out a few you like, if you only have time to do 3 minutes, do 3 minutes, if you only have time for 3 songs, do 3 songs, whatever feels comfortable to you. And then once you feel like you have expressed all this anger, for me usually I'm so exhausted, usually my throat has become really hoarse from screaming, usually my arms are just exhausted from punching my pillows and screaming and going crazy, once you feel like this.
anger has left you, usually you'll notice sadness starts to kick in. And this is so beautiful and powerful because under our anger, it is always sadness. And so now that we have released this anger, we can go ahead and step into this sadness and release the sadness. Once I feel the anger has left me, or I'm just so exhausted that I can't scream and punch my pillow anymore, I turn on a song on a playlist called Lose You to Love Me by Selena Gomez and I cry my eyes out. I will literally just sit on the ground and hold myself like a child in a ball and weep and cry and let all that anger be released and let the sadness step in and just wash away those tears.
And honestly something that brings so much sadness is I am so sad at the amount of anger I just released and that someone can make me feel that way.
It's weird to see yourself when you're in such an angry, mindset in such an angry. I don't know, I feel like I take on this different character and I just let the anger rage.
So anyways, I let myself cry and I talk to myself like I would talk to a child or like I would talk to myself when I'm 5 years old. I picture myself then as this 5 year old or 10 year old. What am I wearing? What am I doing? And I parent myself and I say, it's okay to feel that way. Anyone would feel that way in your position.
You are validated and your feelings matter, but it's not going to last forever because you're going to heal, grow, and transform. Look at how far you've already come little girl. You are going to get through this little girl. Let yourself cry, let yourself feel the emotions, and don't judge yourself for having them.
It's okay and healthy to feel and release anger and under it will come sadness and that's okay. And once you feel like you've gotten the sadness out of you, this part is the most important part and please do not do this anger exercise without doing this next part. I'm just going to say that again in case you were zoning out.
Do not do this anger exercise without doing this next part. So next you're going to listen to music that makes you feel happy, empowered and in love with yourself. Don't listen to love songs about relationships. And if you're using my playlist, there are a lot of songs to choose from after those five or so angry songs in the beginning, and then just find whichever ones resonate with you and just go dance in your room, jump around, Look at yourself in the mirror and just smile.
Go have fun. Imagine you are a Beyoncé or whoever and go put on a performance for yourself knowing no one else will see you. It's just you, your inner child, alone in a room. What does your five year old version of you want to do? Does she want to dance? Does she want to study? twirl in circles.
What does she want to do? And I want you to know that this is going to feel uncomfortable, especially the first few times you do this. Cause we have been so restricted and conditioned as adults to not do this type of stuff. Like that's weird. Maybe the last time you danced honestly was when you were 12 years old.
Who knows? But anyways, just let that little girl in you have fun and let her know that on the other side of anger is happiness. It's going to feel uncomfortable, you're going to feel weird, but this part is so important because we are teaching our body, our soma, that yes, we can experience this level of rage, anger, and then it can take us to this place of sadness and grief, but then we reparent ourself by showing, okay, yes, I felt those negative emotions, acceptance.
I don't even want to say negative because they're not negative, but yes, I felt those uncomfortable emotions. And now I'm going to show myself how I can experience the energetic, positive, playful, fun emotions. So it's really important that once you do this anger part and then fill it with some like happiness and dancing, whatever it may be.
And I promise you are going to feel so much lighter after this. And like I said, the first few times you do it, you're going to think it's. so weird, you're going to judge me, and that's okay. I feel weird doing it sometimes too, but the more I lean into it, the more I express, the more I get into it, and the more I don't let myself hold me back, the better I feel.
Something that can also be really helpful is to have a journal by you while you're doing all of this and write down any insights that come to mind. Sometimes I'll have like very vivid flashbacks or memories to fights or things my ex said to me that I didn't realize I was still holding on to and that was hurting me so badly.
Or sometimes it would be even memories from childhood or a situation from, I don't know, let's say like a relationship from middle school where it's like, Oh wait, I just remembered what someone said to me and that didn't make me feel good and that's triggering how I feel in this current situation.
Whatever it can be, feel free to have a journal, write down any insights that come to mind. And if not, you can also journal after the fact and write a love letter to yourself. And if you're like, well, okay, you, why the fuck am I going to write a love letter to myself? I can't even love myself right now.
That's okay. And that is normal too. It was so hard for me to love myself after all this but try to just put a pen to paper for five minutes after this exercise. You can set a timer on your phone for five minutes and don't take your pen off the paper. Just see whatever comes out and while you're doing this try to envision writing a love letter to the five year old girl in you who never deserved any of this.
That girl who was so innocent and saw the world as such a beautiful, safe, loving place and saw relationships as such this safe loving place. Write to her and let her know that you're still there and that you're here to protect her and that no one can take this power away from you. You are worthy of the life and the relationship that you dream of.
You are worthy of healthy, respectful, Respectful love and you did nothing to do this. None of this was your fault And I want you to try to ingrain that into your mind as much as possible that none of this was your fault You did nothing to deserve this
Imagine talking to yourself as a five year old. Would you honestly look her dead in the eyes and say this was your fault? You caused this you're not enough No You would look at her with love and compassion and empathy and be like fuck that you don't deserve that you have so much so much life ahead of you. You're sweet, you're pure of heart, none of this was your fault.
So again, you're probably listening to this thinking I'm crazy and that's okay, but honestly I have spent so much money trying all these weird healing modalities and the one thing that has helped me get rid of my anger is to express my anger in a healthy way.
I've tried so much talk therapy. I have tried coaches. I have spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on Healing and the one thing that has helped me get rid of that anger is to express the anger in a healthy way. You need to release that anger otherwise it's going to stay in you.
There's no way someone can have betrayed you so badly like they did and that you are magically just going to release that anger without expressing it. It's been over a year now since I found out and there are still some days where this anger just starts to creep in, and I was like, ah, fuck, this again? Okay. And instead of just letting it ruin my day, instead of me going into a mode where I start to self blame myself, or take my anger out on other people, or take my anger out on my work, or whatever it may be, I just go into my room.
When no one else is home, I put my playlist on, I put my headphones in, I take my fist and I just start screaming and punching, screaming into the pillow, punching my bed, laying on the ground, throwing a temper tantrum, whatever I do, I just release it and I just imagine that I am this anger.
For me it is always this weird like blue blob and it has these gnarly teeth like a monster and it is just, it looks grubby, it looks scummy, it just like, if, oh, I, it just like blobby and I become that and I just thrash and I punch and I hit and do whatever and then I get so exhausted that I just start crying and I get so sad and
Since I have now released that anger and the feelings of fuck you, fuck him, fuck him, for lying, fuck him, for cheating, fuck him, for Gaslighting, the manipulation, fuck him, for taking those years for my life, fuck him, for Pretending like he's someone he's not, fuck him, for putting on this perfect display to everyone else But then being so mean to me behind closed doors, fuck him.
Once I get all those thoughts out Then the sadness comes in where it's like
But wait, I'm really sad and that really hurt and that caused me a lot of pain and it makes me feel insecure and unworthy about myself and it makes me wonder if I'll ever be in a relationship again. Will I ever be able to trust again? And I feel like my innocence has been stolen and I feel like et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Then like the sadness starts to come into play and that is powerful too we are releasing all this stored up energy. But then once you feel that sadness, Then you get to feel those happy feelings again, where that's when you can listen to the happy music, the dancing, the twirling around in circles in your room, jumping up and down, to your favorite song, whatever it may be.
And it is so important. And your body is going to feel that. tired after this, but you're also probably going to feel really energetic and you're going to feel just lighter and like your shoulders aren't going to feel so heavy. Whatever tightness you have in your body isn't going to feel so heavy.
Also, if you feel like you never have free time to be alone in your house, but you still want to release anger, something I also love to do is I have had so many mental breakdowns in my car and I just scream at the top of my lungs when I'm driving I blast my music and I just scream at the top of my lungs and I scream profanities at my ex. I scream profanities at the world and I am just. rageful, and obviously, please be careful when you do this because you're operating a vehicle, but sometimes we just need to scream and. open up that throat chakra, like stuff gets so stored and stuck in here, just scream and let it all out.
I've tried so many different weird healing modalities, and this is the one thing that has helped me get rid of the actual anger and to feel better ruminate on all this anger in my head.
And again, just know that your anger is beautiful. Feelings are meant to be felt. They're not meant to be controlled. You're not crazy for feeling angry. You're actually very normal and validated. It would be more weird if you weren't feeling angry in a situation like this. And I wish I could share screenshots of every time someone reached out to me saying they Freaked out on their partners.
And yeah, I just want you to know it's okay. I'm not here to contone violence I'm not saying you should do that I'm just saying find ways to express your anger in healthy ways and this exercise is a great way to do it. It doesn't harm anyone it allows you to release and just fully let go and then You'll feel lighter and then you can go feel more positive feelings And again, I'm sorry that this is happening to you.
You didn't deserve this. It's not your fault. You will get through this. Healing is possible and there are so many women in this world who are also going through this. You are not alone. It's going to be okay and you are strong. You are resilient and I'm sorry that you have to be strong and resilient, but you will get through this.
So again, I'll link the playlist in the bio if you want to listen to it. The first five, six or so songs, they're quite angry songs, and then once you hit the song Lose You to Love Me by Selena Gomez, that's always my sad song. And then after that is all the happy songs. You don't have to go through all those songs by any means, that would take a very long time.
But you can also create your own playlist with that type of structure. Have a few angry songs, a sad song, and then songs that make you happy. dance and let that inner girl, that inner child, and you have fun.
And as always, if you ever want to follow along on Instagram or TikTok, my handle is wtfdoidnow. I'll also include that in the show notes.
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Okay. Thank you for listening. Bye.