12. Calling off the Wedding After Discovering His Sexual Addictions With Jane Doe

ONE OF MY FAVORITE EPISODES <3

One month after I discovered my partner's secret porn & sex addiction, I received a phone call from my friend crying who just discovered her fiance's secret porn and sex addiction. 

Now over a year later, we've talked almost every day throughout our healing journeys and I'm SO proud of how far she's come. In this episode,  I interview her and we discuss:

• what she discovered, the red flags
• why she left him and called off the engagement
• the fear of not recognizing who your partner is anymore
• her healing journey and the emotional roller coaster of Partner Betrayal Trauma
• the stages of grief: grieving your partner and the future you thought you had
• normalizing the feelings of self-doubt after leaving
• thinking you're the crazy one in the relationship and self-gaslighting yourself
• advice for anyone in a similar situation
• the importance of listening to your gut intuition as a woman
• an emphasis on self-love and empowerment

If you can relate, know that you are stronger than you think. We have your back! My DMs and Jane Doe's DMs are always open <3 

Follow along for more resources

• TikTok
• Instagram
• P*rn addiction recovery resource: Click here

**Please subscribe and rate the show so the algorithm can help more girls find this resource and know they aren't alone in their healing journey from his cheating, p*rn use, etc.! <3

Transcript

 All right, welcome back to another episode of what the fuck do I do now? I am so excited to have this guest on today. She is one of my dear friends. And for the sake of this episode, we're going to call her Jane Doe. And  she just has such a powerful story. I'll just give a little background information, and then we'll have her dive into her story.

So she found out about her fiance's Porn and sex addiction about, I don't know, a month or two after I found out about my partners and she reached out to me. We had a phone call and  ever since that day, we have been talking every day or every week, whatever. She has been such a rock in my healing journey.

And I think this episode is going to be really powerful just to show how important it is to find  a community or even one other woman who has gone through this  to help you through it because it's so it is just so helpful to have someone to grieve with and who can understand it. So I'm rambling.

I'm just gonna  introduce Jane Doe. Jane, thank you so much for being here. I honor your courage and your bravery and just your friendship and you have truly been like a sister to me. So thank you so much.

I'm honored to truly be on here. Thank you for inviting me on the podcast. And before we get into everything Have to say I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you. So thank you for truly everything for the healing, the grieving, the support the inspiration. You're an inspiration to not only I, but other women that are struggling with this going on in their life.

And even men that are struggling with porn and sex addiction. Really thank you. You are a blessing. 

Oh my god, I'm tearing up, fuck.  Dammit. 

I'm sorry, but it's true like it wasn't for you I don't think I'd be able to be where I'm at in life, and you've come a long way yourself So I'm very proud of you 

Right back at you. You just recently moved into your new place, which is so cool. Cause I, yeah, I don't want to speak for everyone who's in this situation, but just after you're living with your partner, and now you have to start over all alone. You're like, what the fuck? This is so Just, it 

do I do now the podcast literally?  

exactly. 

Yeah

the fuck do I do now? Cause you're just like, I haven't been alone. And what do I do? And it just, it's so scary, but you're fucking thriving, which is amazing. And I'm so proud of you.

it's hard when you You're just so used to day life for three and a half four years And then you just gotta press the reset button and try to figure out life again from day to day  From scratch. 

 Yeah, all so  I don't know if we should just jump in with the hard hitting stuff 

yeah

jump, jump on in ask anything, and

we'll start rambling and going. 

Yeah, we'll just see where this takes us. I guess do you maybe want to start out  with how you found out? What you found out? So I think what you found out is so Intense, but I think it also shows  how easily it can be It is for men to hide these addictions.

And that's not to make every woman think that their partner is hiding addiction. But it just goes to show  how easily people can be controlled by this addiction and how fucking extreme it can get when you don't even, you don't even expect this to be happening. But yeah, so you just want to share like more of that journey about discovering, and

So if I ramble, feel free to jump in. I probably will ramble. There's a lot. So my partner and I, let's call him John. We were seeing each other dating for about three and a half years total. Maybe four, close to four. We had an incident, the I think a year or two. During our relationship.

So again, we were dating for four years. The first year or the second year, we had a little incident. I would say huge incident, but now looking back at it, I've come such a far way, but we were moving into a new city. And by the time I moved down, he moved first. I moved down later. He went to a strip club and told me half of the story that he went to a strip club, just went to the VIP room, got a little lap dance which obviously broke my heart.

Like we were monogamous, we weren't seeing anyone, we had set boundaries. We discovered  what cheating was for. Me, what cheating was for him. We were, I thought on the same page. So I found that out right when I moved to a new city with him for him. And then a month later I was noticing a few my family and friends like to call me the FBI.

I'm very detail

oriented. I can pick up on things and there's just a lot of lying. His Venmo was deleted. So there's just a few things that I caught on and he slipped up and there's a lot of lying, different stories and long story short, I found out he actually took one of the ladies home back to his hotel room and he slept with her. And the reason I'm giving this backstory is that was the first sign of this whole addiction and it was so unlike him. They set he didn't know what he was doing. He blamed it on drugs and alcohol. But at the end of the day, like again, it happened. He took a woman home, he slept with her, he paid for the services. And I just moved my whole entire life for him. So we broke up for a little bit, but then I was like, Hey, let's try to figure this out. Like it was a one time thing. This was so out of character. And then you fast forward a year later, we moved in together got a pup, and then things were starting to get weird. When I say that, I mean, you're with someone 24 7, so everything's good when we're together, but every time I was out of town or he was out of town, there were some weird situations that would happen. One of them being he would visit Massage therapist when I was gone. And I was like, we would never get massages together.

He never wanted to get a massage when I was there. So I'd say that was like one of the red flags, but sorry, I'm rambling here, I'm all over the place jumping over. 

not rambling. I think this is really helpful context. And I think a lot of women can relate to all of this. 

And another thing was whenever we were together he always placed his phone down or he always took it with him to the bathroom. So it was just like weird little things like that, where I was like, am I the crazy girlfriend? Am I the psychopath? Am I controlling? I don't know, there's other instances I can get back to there are other red flags

these are good. I can relate to like when you said keeping the phone down, I was taking to the bathroom and I always had the thought, am I crazy? Like why do I it was 

that he's taking his phone everywhere? But it was weird. Every single time is always down. And

Yes! Or he would be on his phone and I would walk into the room, and all of a sudden he got out of all the apps, and I'm like, what were you just doing? Like, why do you have to hide what you were doing?

I really don't care.

So that, that threw me off. There's other red flags, but I'll get into that in a little bit.

But so this was, let's say last June, I went home we flew back home together and then he had to go back to where we lived we lived in Dallas. I'm gonna have to fly back, whatever. And long story short, we got a dog together. So we're living together, we got a dog together. And he texted me out of the blue and was like, hey, I'm gonna be M.

I. A. for a little bit, I need to study for my exams. And I'm like, okay. And he's I'll be gone for three hours. And I was like, okay. Granted, it was eight o'clock. This kid's usually in bed by eight o'clock. But I'm like, okay. All right, that's fine. He has big tests, big exams or finals coming up. And I remember that there was like really bad storms in Dallas at the time, and I texted him, I called him, I FaceTimed him, because I was like, okay, this is weird.

I just have a weird gut feeling, and he didn't respond. And usually this kid's on his phone. Pretty often, 24 7. So then, I called again, no response, and I was like, Wait, we have a dog camera. So I checked the dog camera lo and behold, the dog camera was disconnected. And I'm like, okay, something's not adding up.

The storms were bad, but they weren't that bad. What is going on here? So finally, he calls me at He FaceTimes me back at 10 15, 10 30. And he looks like a hot mess his hair's messed up, he's all red, flush it looks like he just ran a marathon, he's sweating. And I'm like,

where have you been? And he's I'm so sorry, I was like, studying my butt off I had my phone on do not disturb, whatever. Long story short, find out that he had a masseuse, I think, at our home, I still don't know to this day who it was. What she was doing, or for how long she was at her home, but that's why the dog camera was disconnected.

And he was never studying for finals. And it came out later on that some woman was over, he wanted a massage, but he wanted to be touched sexually. There was a whole thing to it. But yeah, all because of a dog camera is ultimately how I found out. And unfortunately, Or fortunately I found that out a month after my engagement.

So I noticed that the dog camera was off before we were engaged. Let's say that was a Monday. He proposed to me on a Friday. And then a month later, I found out the real truth that there was a woman at our house and still don't know what happened. Pretty sure it was a happy ending. Pretty sure all the massages he was getting were happy endings. And I can get into that a little later too, but like he shaved right beforehand. He said he wanted to be touched sexually. The bed was messed up. I found mascara on the pillowcase. Like 

Oh, God.

was evident that something else was happening and it wasn't just a massage. And if it was just a massage, I think he would have told me and he wouldn't have disconnected the dog camera.

I completely agree. And that's such an interesting point to you bring up about the he shaved before too. Because my ex would always have me wax his fucking back hair before he was acting out. So  when girls were reaching out to me telling me about him, like months after the I was looking at the timestamps.

And I remembered back to that period in our relationship and I was like, wow, he was literally getting his body ready to go sleep with other girls.

Which is the most, it's so fucked. And I, again, didn't put two and two together, but we were moving apartments. So we were going from our old apartment to our new apartment, fourth of July weekend, let's say.  And I had to clean the apartment to get it ready to move out. And I was like, why is there hair all over the shower?

And he's Oh, like I had to shave my back. Cause he had like this,  he just had to shave his back or something.

I'm 

I waxed my ex's 

but I'm like, that's bullshit. This isn't back here. This is pubic hair. This is not, it was just so gross. I don't, yeah.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. 

Oh 

I don't know. I rambled there, but

no. You're not rambling at 

so many other like details, but we didn't get into that.

yeah. Do you, thank you again for sharing all that. Cause I know this is pretty traumatic stuff to talk about. So thank you for your honesty.  So knowing your story, I know there's more to it. Do you wanna talk about if you're comfortable, like what you found out so I'm trying to figure out like the timing in the sequel. So monday, he had a woman over, the dog camera was disconnected, and I was like, I have a weird gut feeling, something's wrong, something's off. Wednesday, he called my parents and asked them for my hand in marriage. They said, yes,  he flew back to my hometown and proposed to me on Friday.  I said, yes, not knowing what I knew. Fast forward a month and a month ahead, we were moving into our new apartment. So my parents, the angels, they are drove Tom drove down from our hometown to Dallas.  And helped us move from one apartment to the other. And somehow, I don't know how this worked out, but like we used up all the data, whatever needed to call Verizon  called Verizon. I'm on one phone and then I have to take John's phone for the other phone. To get the services to work. Lo and behold, I'm like, that Monday situation with the dog camera doesn't make sense to me.

Let me look through his phone. Didn't really think anything of it, but I'm like, let me just go into the recently deleted messages. And that's when I found out. That there was someone at our home and I confronted him about it. I was like, Hey, so who was over on Monday? And he's what are you talking about?

Like gaslighting the fuck out of me? What are you talking about? You're crazy. There was no one at our house. I was studying for the exam and I go, you have one shot to tell me like, who was at our house on Monday? He's literally no one. And I go, really? Then what the fuck is this green message? And I showed him the text  and he had no idea that recently deleted messages were a thing. No one knew that it was fucking tick tock. Okay. That saved us.  And his face dropped.  Dropped. When I say it was like someone seeing a ghost, it dropped.  So that happened.  Got all the texts. He lied about it all. I remember getting away for a second.

I needed some air. Came back. Wanted to look through his phone more. Everything was deleted. Every single text message and his recently deleted messages was deleted. So I'm like, okay. What other things are on your phone? What else is deleted? I started going through his phone with him there, of course.

I hate going through partner's phones, okay? I really do, but this was  Once in a lifetime thing you had a gut feeling, you found something, this kid's been lying to me the whole time, I'm like, I gotta do some digging.  go to his browsing, We go to his browsing history, and his search history's like,  How to delete iCloud subscriptions, how to delete purchases, how to delete apps random stuff like that. I was like, okay, something's not making sense.  I start digging through his phone, of course, with him there, he's I haven't been doing anything, yada I find that he's been on dating apps for the three and a half years we were together. He had OnlyFans accounts, he had the apps that are like calculators that are, that you hide images. Yeah, I didn't even go there. And he was on every single dating app possible. Things that I haven't heard. He was even on gay dating apps. I, to this point, to this time, I don't know if he was straight, or if he was bi, or if he was gay. I really don't know. This opened up a different side of him that I've literally never seen. There was escorts, there was emails. There was To strippers, prostitutes, escorts, whatever you want to call them. I'm sorry, but it was

Okay. 

at that moment, my life turned upside. I was like,  who are you? Who have you been in the last three and a half years? I was like,  you were John in my eyes, but I see here you're not who I thought you were. You're not the man. I think I said yes to, and that I was planning a wedding with and marrying. 

This whole time, that Monday, he was on dating apps, and the best thing is he would get those women's, men's numbers, and start messaging them on different  apps, like Google Chats, or Google Hangouts, Skype GroupMe, WhatsApp it was a process. 

Not only that, he was paying for these subscriptions, so he was paying monthly, or weekly, for Hinge, for Bumble, for all these.  All in all, it's just,  that was right. That was a month after I said yes to our proposal. And I remember my parents just moved us in. And then I, within two days, I found that out.

And  I packed my bags  and drove home. I called my parents. I'm like, Hey, I'm coming home. I'll explain it when I get there, but I'm coming home. And that's honestly, when I reached out to you, I was like, I don't know who else to turn to. I need to call Mandy or text her because unfortunately You were just through that. And I was like, this is the only person that I think knows and understands what it's like for her, for life to just get up, flip flopped upside down.

Yeah,  that is  literally best way to put it is your life literally just flips upside down in a matter of seconds. I remember when I found out about, when I went through my ex's phone, that's how I found out. And I remember confronting him and he did the same thing that John did. He lied. He said, Oh, someone must've had my phone today.

And I was like, bitch, we could have literally been together all day. And then did someone just happen to send a text message? Pictures of your dick. Did they just have access to that because he was sending them to the porn star and Yeah, but I remember in that moment I was like you were  I won't say his name you were John in my eyes and then in a matter of seconds It just flips and you're like, who are you and that is  quite honestly the most terrifying feeling I think I've ever felt  Everything just changes.

It is because you think you're building a life with someone you're living with them. Like you were living with your man too. I was living with mine. Like we both had dogs, like me and him got a dog. We were on the stretch. Like we were getting married. Like we, he fucking got down on one knee and proposed.  And then He was messaging other women who's paying for services. He was asking for tantric massages, like getting happy endings at massage therapists.  It was like a double identity. I felt like the person I just said yes to is a complete different person.  Like I didn't know what was right from wrong. I didn't know what the truth was anymore. Like you could tell me, like I promise you I didn't text anyone. I enjoy. It's no, everything you've been saying for the last three and a half years has been a lie. 

And. I compared, I'm a very detailed person, like type A, very organizational, love to find shit out, okay?

Again, FBI agent kind of thing.  I compared all the times that he was on the dating apps, because I screen recorded everything, screen shotted it, because I know that I knew the second this was gonna come out, no one was gonna believe me. His family wouldn't believe me. His friends would call me crazy. His family being like, this girl's a psychopath. Like she's pulling the shit out of her ass.

I screen recorded everything. Again, he was sitting right next to me. There was no argument. He's take my phone, do whatever you need to do. And I compared the timestamps or the dates he was doing what he was doing.

Every time he was out of town  or I was out of town or he was traveling for work or I was traveling for work. It was never when we were really together. There's a few times where we lived together. Separate in Dallas and he had some stuff that he was doing on the side and yeah, but the most recent times was every time we were apart.

And I'm like,  again, I don't understand it. I haven't been in their shoes. Like I've been the partner in their shoes. I don't know what's going on in their head.  But  I think what hurt me most is that he wasn't honest about it. And no matter how ashamed he could have been or embarrassed, it's you  literally took a stripper home and slept with her 

Yeah.

dollars for her service just in the hotel room. I'm like, if you can tell me that, and you're not ashamed, you can tell me that you have urges to be touched sexually or create I'm your girlfriend. I'm your fiance. If you need. Something like you text your significant other. You don't go to other women it just doesn't make sense to me.

And I think, I don't know, I'm rambling here, but it's just, it's so hurtful to think that again, the person you were supposed to marry and end up with for the rest of your life is a complete different person. It's

yeah, preach to all this. I interviewed a girl, I think it was last week, on the podcast who found out about her partner's secret sex and porn addiction a year after their marriage. And she said something that really stuck out. Yes, it was the acts that are really upsetting like them sleeping with other women, but it's the lying to your face

that is the most  Hurtful and disruptive and I completely agree like still to this day I have never received an apology from my ex for what he did like still to this day He had always lied about it. He always said, Oh, it was a one time mistake. I, it just happened with one girl. I slipped up. I was unhappy in the relationship.

It was because you did blah, blah, blah. Like it was always a one time mistake. And I had to find out months later through other girls who sent me  screenshots of their conversations with his phone number. Like all the timestamps and everything to be like, no, he was doing it our entire relationship and on the fucking dating apps, which it's like, it's, Oh my gosh, I.

It's, 

Yeah. 

to your earlier point, it truly is lying. I think that's what hurts the most. Cause I told him, I go, if you came to me, if you told me I have a problem or Hey, I have these urges or impulses, like we would have figured it out.  But the fact that he thought it was okay, like I had a woman over Monday, I did whatever I did. I called your parents Wednesday, asked for a marriage and then Friday proposed to me and then acted like everything was okay. 

Yeah.

What, like in my mind, I'm like, what else are you hiding? Are you going to kill someone next? And

just be fine with it? 

Yeah.

yes, there was remorse. Yes, I actually got an apology. Do I think, again,  I'm really not trying to sound like a bitch.

I'm really trying to put myself in his shoes, but being that person a year ago from today, like being in my shoes and having someone just say, I'm sorry, I'm sick, or I meant it's my mental illness  to me when in one ear came out the other. Because I was like, you motherfucker cannot say that right now. I was like we were together for three and a half years. We went through everything. You can't just blame it on mental illness. 

I don't think it's harsh. I think the issue is  What irritates me so much is like you were hiding this because you knew it was wrong.

If you thought what you were doing was okay, you would have told me about it. But you would, you knew that if I found out I would be hurt and I would not approve of who you are and I would probably leave. So instead you tried to have your cake and eat it too.

Exactly. Yep.  

yeah, so don't blame it on a mental illness and if I recall correctly, he was going to therapy, right? So it wasn't even a matter of him being  undiagnosed at as 

Yeah, he was lying to his therapist is that's what he said. And again I'm not shaming mental health here. Like I'm a big advocate of mental health. Like I go to therapy, I support it. I think everyone should go to therapy. Everyone would benefit from

it.

But 

The fact that you blame your actions and your, I don't know, and like  cheating scandals.  Because you're sick, is just absolutely insanity. And if you're sick,  why did you propose? If you needed help there's just so many You can't live the like you were saying, you can't live the best of both worlds.

You can't be sleeping with me, marrying me, coming to a home with Everything clean, cooked, our dog taken care of because he didn't touch one lick with him, or finger, to I'm gonna go hit up escorts, or I'm gonna go on dating apps. It's no! That's not fair! 

Yeah, it's not. It's  so bad. I just had something I was going to say. What was it?

We were talking about therapists, we were talking about, oh

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember I was going to say I, I have empathy and sympathy for men who are addicted to porn

I do too. Yes, I really 

completely. But I just think it changes the situation when you are not when you know you're in a long term relationship, any relationship, and you're intentionally hiding this from your partner.

That's where I draw the line where my guess at empathy for porn addictions, but it's the And I want to be careful how I say this, but I'm just going to say it. It just feels flat out selfish to keep the addiction in the relationship thinking that you can hide it. And again, I know we aren't addiction therapists.

Yeah. 

It's easier said than done because we don't have that issue,  but Me and John have talked about porn. Like we set our views and he said he hated it. But then all of a sudden it's do you actually hate it? 

Yeah.

And I wished I really, I've told him this. I've told my friends this.

I've told my family this. I go, I truly wish that I could be in his mind for a day just to see what he's experiencing. Cause it may be, it really is what he describes it as.  But then again, it's maybe in the moment, you can't control your actions, let's just say that. Based on what he was saying, he couldn't really control his actions, or the impulses took over the urges.  But you could control the before and the after. And if you're a good human with a good heart,  at least it Okay, again, I'm overgeneralizing here, but I'm just saying this is my perspective.  If you have a good heart,  and you mean and you fuck up, what do you do? You own up to it. You don't hide it, you don't make up lies, you don't make up excuses. Or you don't say the half ass story. I remember when I called my parents. I told them straight up, I go, I can't marry this man. I don't know what's going on, but this is not the man that I thought I was saying yes to. And then I remember when our family and friends found out. Shit. It sucks.  said the truth. Do I think they said the truth? No. His family went after me, in a way, and thought I was, like, lying, and  basically gaslit me, saying I'm the crazy one, because I was checking in on him. I was tracking But what he did was fine. What the two slip ups he had were fine. 

And I think that is such a good point because in a way  it gets blamed on the women still which is so fucked up Like I remember hearing What my ex was telling our mutual friends and it was straight up lies Like it was because she did this and I was like What could I have possibly done that enticed you to sleep around our entire relationship?

While you sit there and tell me that you love me and want to marry me like that's absurd But Yeah, it's just like a whole societal cultural thing again, where it's I'm just going to put all the 

Yeah. It's not my son. It's you. 

You're the controlling one. You were all over stalking him, tracking him.  It's not my son. They're angels. 

not my monkey, not my circus. 

Literally. Yeah 

and then,  sorry, trying to tie this back here. I feel like know we're going on but but I'm here for it. That's good. And because I know other women are going to listen to this and they're, Probably have the same thoughts that we have. But do you want to talk a bit about you said something really powerful is when you called your parents after you find I cannot marry this man.

However,  I wish it was easier said than done. Just being like. Oh I found out the secret life is other person. He's not who I thought he was now magically over him. And it's all like butterflies and rainbows. Like the healing journey is not like that. It's so complex.

Like you still have, there's so much grieving. There's so much mourning. There's so much conflicting emotions on everything. Do you want to talk a bit about what it was like for you leaving? Cause

Yeah.

It's hard. 

Honestly, it was one of the hardest fucking things I've ever done.

I still, sometimes I know I did the right thing. I know I did it, and my family and my friends say the same thing. But there's times where there's doubt in my mind. And I'm like, could I have changed him? Could I have helped him?

Could I have helped us? Did I give up too early? And in that moment when I found everything on the phone, the dating apps, all that, I was like, I'm out. I can't do this. And that's when I called my parents, told them the wedding's off. And I canceled the wedding because we had everything booked already.

But that was like my gut reaction. I was like, okay, I got to follow my gut, but it was the aftermath. It was after I think it was like the, what is it? The five stages of grief, 

I was in shock. So I was just like, okay, fuck this. I'm just doing what I think is right now that I'm following my gut. But I truly think the hardest part was after we called off the wedding or like after we had to notify our friends and family, are we doing this? And it was the acceptance. The acceptance I think was the hardest part of me for me.

And the  in denial stage I think that was the hardest because I'm like, okay, I found this out. But I'm like you're doubting yourself. You're like,  am I crazy? Did I make this up? Maybe this is normal. Like I started normalizing cheating . I remember like For a month or two, I was like, Oh my God, this is fine. Everyone cheats. This is a society we live in. There's always affairs in the future. I literally started telling myself a girl who's one of the most loyal humans will never cheat on anyone.  Like I just, I don't support it  but I started normalizing, like I started talking myself into it saying oh, it's fine. We can get over this hump. It'll be okay.  And I remember crying to my parents almost every day, and my friends I think I, girl, I shed so many tears, I was like, I didn't even know I had these many tears. It was six 

Yes.

just crying. I called you many times, but  I, that's when I think I leaned on my friends and family the most, and I made pros and cons list and I started journaling because I was like, I'm driving myself insane.

I started going to therapy and I had to see my therapist  once, maybe twice a week, because I just couldn't control the anxiety the intrusive thoughts of my mind saying did I do the right thing? Should I have walked away? Was it too early? Should I, you just start doubting yourself. And. 

Sorry, I'm going on a tangent here.

I don't

No. This is so good.

I just think,  going back trying full circle here if you're ever in a situation like that, or if someone's listening to this and is in that situation the best advice I think I'd have, and you can jump in here too, is always follow your gut. Your gut is never wrong. Yes, you have the intrusive thoughts of Am I doing the right thing?

Or you ask people for their opinion and they'll be like, Stay because it's been so great he's such a great guy. And it's Is he though? He could've, he literally did the worst thing possible. And it's people change. But they have to want to change. You cannot change anyone like they need to change. So if you're in a situation like we have been unfortunately I think my biggest thing is follow your gut. You gotta go with your gut. And yes, there will be doubts.  Yes. You'll be going back and forth in your head, question yourself.  Asking, did I do the right thing? Did I not?

But  the end of the day, like those are the hardest decisions, but they're the best decisions. And if you asked me a year ago, I kid you not. I'd say I fucked up leaving him. I. It  was very in my head. I was like, I did the wrong thing, but now I'm so blessed because I wouldn't be where I am today.

And I don't know I just think back to what I thought was a perfect life was far from a perfect life being outside of it.  And to think I, for a second, normalized cheating I sit here saying that, I just saying that out loud. I'm like, who the fuck? No, it's not normal. Not everyone does it.

And it's not okay. Yes, some relationships do it. Some people are not monogamous, whatever, but I don't know. I'm going on a tangent here

if I did it, if you did it, people can do it. 

yeah,  if we were loyal, other people can say it's not yeah, no, I had full on chills hearing you say all that because I feel like I was listening to all of my own thoughts immediately after the breakup, like specifically normalizing cheating. Yeah, I remember talking to so many  people in their long term marriages and oh, yeah like my husband cheated or my boyfriend cheated fiance, whatever and i'm like it doesn't mean we need to accept it and say that it's okay 

no fuck that but another thing that was I related so much. It was the self doubt of leaving and the  Could I have changed him? Could I did I leave too early? Should I have given him another chance like that ate me alive after the fact and I feel so thankful To have had my friends in that first initial month who were who saw the behavior They saw what he did and they're like absolutely fuck that out.

You cannot go back to him if they were not there I probably would have gone back to him because when we were texting and he was making up all those  excuses and lies, like I started to full on believe them. And I didn't find out till months later that they were lies. And I would have gone back to him had my friends not been like, been the ones who put their foot down.

No, you can't go back to him. And. Yeah, that self doubt is so hard to get over because for the months leading after you become  Fucking blob of a human being like you're in bed crying all day Like you are triggered all the time. The anxiety is so insane. It's like You're not only grieving  the loss of  your partner and your best friend, but you're also grieving the loss of the future.

You thought you're going to have and it just brings up so many unknowns and fears. And your nervous system isn't regulated. You're just. It's a fucking terrifying place to be in and on top of that it's such a betrayal to  the woman's body to be like, Oh my God, he was sleeping with other girls.

He was addicted to porn. What's wrong with me? Like, why was I not enough? So not only are you losing this relationship, you're also losing like your self confidence and questioning your worth as.

Yeah, which, oh, it's 

And that's a great point. Cause yeah, there was that self doubt of holding on to the what ifs or like  we've built this whole life together, I'm scared to press the restart button, I'm scared to leave. But then there's this like other side where it's am I not good enough? So yes, to your point, like I'm fighting the, I just lost my best friend, my partner, was marrying. But also like I lost myself like by the end of it. I was like  By the end of it. I was like i'm fat. I'm ugly like I can't be naked like he doesn't care for me He doesn't love me like there is barbie dolls that he'd rather be fucking like

I don't have fake boobs I don't have my lips.

I don't have any of that. I'm not on a pole dancing 

Like i'm not giving him the best massages in town  But like you get into your head and yes, it's an addiction for them. But like to us it's like You Am I not good enough? Or why am I not good enough? Why her not me? And you spiral down this path again I'm okay now, but in the moment,  eating wasn't a thing for me.

I was like, I can't even take food down.

I don't want to see friends. I don't want to see family. Everyone was asking oh my god, are you excited for the wedding? It's little do you fucking know, there is no wedding. And you just, All you want to do is crawl into a little hole, and it's your life just fell apart, you're falling apart, everyone's telling you'll be fine, and it's you don't want to hear those words, which, thank God they said that, but,  it's like when you're not relaxed, and someone just says, relax, it's that is gonna drive my no, you can't just relax,  and no one's gonna know, and I don't wish this upon my worst enemy, but no one's gonna know until they're in our shoes, 

that it literally feels like the world is crashing on you,

And you're falling into the biggest sinkhole and you keep swimming up, trying to grab some fresh air, like just anything.

And then you go 10 feet down. Again, you go up a little, you go 10 feet down, if not a hundred. 

And it's this fucking rollercoaster of emotions.  No one prepares for you. No, no one tells you in school Hey, life's going to be a rollercoaster. You're going to have to roll through. No one does. And so when people hit this.

Hit this, which I pray to God no one else has to like, go through this, and I'm sure people unfortunately will you will get on the other side of it, but it is a fucking rollercoaster, and there's gonna be days people don't wanna get out of bed, or they don't wanna live anymore.

It's better,  after a year, it's better on the other side.

It's hard. I'm, again, going on a tangent here, but fuck, it didn't fuck you up. It fucked me up so much. I'm sure it fucked you up, I know it did

Oh, yeah, 

They don't realize the PTSD, the trauma, the anxiety, the lack of trust we now have. 

Oh my gosh. Yes.

they didn't just they didn't just end a relationship.

They didn't just break up a wedding or end a wedding or an engagement. They fucked us up for the rest of our lives.

Yes. And of course I want to say, yes, healing is possible. But in that 

It is, sorry. Yes, it is. 

yes. Yeah. Yeah. But in that moment, like for those months or however long, like where you're just in that initial shock and anger and hurt and despair. And you just cry all day, every fucking day. And yeah I couldn't eat.

My body was like shaking all the time. I lost 20 pounds in a month because I was literally vomiting and having diarrhea like every single day, which is fucking insane. And yeah no, it's so hard to. I feel like something that was really hard for me after was trying to describe what I was going through to people who haven't been through it, and it's so hard because it literally just, I love the analogy you use of going down the sinkhole, like you like climb up a little bit, then you just constantly push down, you're just like grasping for whatever you can, it's just,  yeah, like it's,  everything's a blur. 

Yeah. 

Yeah, but  besides all the depressing stuff,

because.

depressing stuff! 

But I, even as painful as it was,  and I say this lightly, I would go through it again,  knowing where I am now. Every second of  the pain was worth it, and I'm not saying oh, I'm so thankful for my trauma, I'm so glad I went through this shit, I'm not saying that.

But knowing where it got me. It's worth it. So if anyone's listening, you're like, Oh my God, it sounds absolutely terrible to leave. Why would I leave? I do feel like I was able to heal 

100%. Yes. 

easier in a way when I left, cause I just got to  focus on myself and my emotions and my healing instead of being stuck with this person who was lying, manipulating, gaslighting, doing whatever the hell they're doing.

And you've come such a far way. You really, truly have. We both have.

You too. Yeah.

And,  to your point yes, I did just throw a lot of depressing stuff, and it was a rollercoaster. You're in a sinkhole. But Yeah. If you're in a situation, if whoever's listening and you're in a situation like that, reach out for help, talk to your

therapist,  family is going to be biased, friends are going to be biased. And one thing you have to remember is like the second you tell your friends and family, like just know, like that will be with them for the rest of their life. Like I knew the second I'm calling my parents to let them know what I found out, it's over for me and John that's it. And I needed that stuff because I needed them to hold me accountable. And like me on top of it Hey, no, you just found this out. We can't let you go back.

Yes, you're in that sandstorm. Yes. Or like the what analogy

is sinkhole. 

I think it was sinkhole yeah.

You're swimming, but like  it will get better and it is worth it. And if it doesn't happen now, it's going to come up in five years. It's going to come up in two years. It's it's really hard for this stuff to just go away. It's just going to keep happening. And again I feel terrible for the people that have families that have children, but I'm thankful that I didn't just overlook and I'm like, Oh, it's okay. He cheated. It's fine. Like we'll keep working on it because if this happened and I had kids not only is he putting my life at risk, he's putting my kid's life at risk. And I don't want my future kids to have to go through this. That I don't want them. I don't want to have that conversation with them.

And I know some people will have that conversation and it's unfortunate, but what I'm trying to say is if you're in the shoes, like it's never too late to get out of it. 

Like Having kids or not being engaged or not being in a relationship for 10 years or not, Go with your gut and the other side is so much better. Like it will be a breath of fresh air. You will find yourself. You will value yourself. You'll love yourself again and not compare yourself to the strippers or the porn stars or the escorts.

Yeah, that is such a good point about the loving yourself and finding yourself again. And you said something earlier that I really liked where you're like, Oh, I thought this relationship that I'm in was perfect. Like that life I had was perfect. But now looking back, it very much so wasn't. And I remember that's how I felt when I was having the doubts about leaving the relationship because of course you have the rose colored glasses on and you focus on all the good things like yes at the same time this person did something really fucked up but they were also your best friend and the person you were going to spend forever with like they also had a lot of really good qualities and Looking back now, or right after the breakup, I was missing that so much.

I was like, Oh, I'm never going to find a relationship that was so perfect like that. Besides cheating, like the inside jokes, how much fun you have, like the adventures, all of that. But now when I look back at the relationship being a year out, I'm like, Oh my god, like him as a person is so unattractive to me that relationship just felt like I look back and I'm like That's not who I really am or who I was really meant to be like I was settling on so many levels But in the time that's all you know, so you think that's perfect.

You think that's healthy you think that's what you might even deserve like When you heal, just focusing on yourself, you access such a different level of self love and self worth. You're like, yeah, fuck that. I don't even want that anymore.

No,  you shouldn't beg for anyone's attention. That's.

Yes. 

I don't know, it's just sad, and I think, again, what was tough for you and I, and what is tough for a lot of people is the reset button. It just scares everyone, and it's like everyone our age is getting married, they're getting  engaged, they're having kids, and it's it's never too late to hit that button. I know that sounds so fucked up and so scary 

it's never too late to hit the button. Like  me, John Doe, if you talked to me a year ago, I'd be like, Oh my God, like my life, like I can't hit the reset button. I'm too old. I want to have kids. I'm going to be 27, 28.

This is too late to restart. All my friends are getting married and engaged, but it's
It's not too late  

I think that was a really good point about the it's not too late thing. Cause  one of the biggest things I've gathered from every woman I've talked to who has gone through partner betrayal trauma, regardless of the age that they're at, whether they're in their young twenties to like their upper seventies. The one thing they all think is I'm too old now. Like my life, like this was going to be my life. It's too late to start over.

But then when you talk to the ones who left, like you're always going to think you're too old or that it's too late to start over.  You always have time. And.  What I would urge anyone who is listening to this is asking what does  your future self  10 years from now want this person in your life is really big player in your life, but think of all the other people you can meet now, having removed them from your life  I've met so many cool people who I would have never met had I been focusing all my time and energy on healing this toxic Relationship and this man who wasn't ready to heal himself. 

Yeah.

I would love to et your thoughts for anyone who's listening and is either considering leaving or who has just left.  What were some things that were helpful for you?

To leave or to cope with the leaving?

Either or 

to leave. I think going back and forth for the, to leave, but I think my biggest thing was  I saw what I saw and I remember calling my brother cause I didn't want to get my parents heart attack and I called my best friend who's been through it  with me through everything. Like since the stripper incident to the other stuff, to the other red flags that I can get into.

And I knew right there. And then if I told them I knew that they would support me and that I'd have a support system to move forward. I think I needed that reassurance and validation of you're doing the right thing. It's okay. Like we, we agree with you. Like he's we support your decision to what you got to do. I think talking to them was the biggest help is like going to who you feel safe, who you feel like there won't be any judgment, who you can trust and know that they can keep quiet. While you figure it all out, because that's literally what it was. It's I saw it,  I started bawling. I remember not throwing stuff.

Cause I'm not like an aggressive person, but I remember like raising my voice and being like, who are you to like screaming, to like leaving the house, running away, getting into my car and like going into a parking lot. But I think, sorry, like calling someone and explaining what you just found out and how you found out what you found out.

But also  once I  finally got calm and collected my thoughts,  I started journaling and also writing maybe not the pros and cons, but like, why do I love this man? What does he give me? And what do I see in him as a partner and a future husband? And then what has he done that's hurt me? And  the red flags that I've seen. 

And I know that sounds cheesy and silly, but I think once you write it down, I think that list just shows you so much.  Cause again, when you're in a relationship, you have those, got those like  rose, rosette, whatever you said, glasses on

The rose, rose colored glasses, we can call them rosé

said 

colored glasses, we're just drinking.

You have those like love glasses on.

So you only see the good, you don't see the bad, 

but again, and someone who just.  It's very detail oriented. I kept a list of things that I liked versus didn't like, and my therapist helped me out with this. She's write down characteristics you provide as a partner, and write down characteristics you expect from the partner you want to be with or marry one day. And I had that list, but I also had my list of Again, the good he's giving and the bad and what harm, not harm. He, sorry, he was never physical. Like he was very respectful in that way. But what, how he hurt me physically or sorry, emotionally or mentally. And once I saw that list, Mandy, I was like, I have my answer. I can't stay in this relationship. By the end of it, the good really didn't outweigh the bad. It was. The bad was outweighing the good. Like it was just night and day of a list. And  I think that's what helped me leave is like really writing it all down. Thinking about everything he's put me through. And again, not every relationship is perfect. Again, I'm not trying to shit on him. John was great. Like he was very respectful when he didn't have his episodes. Comes from a great family. Again, really not trying to talk bad about him here, but I just had to have that list and be like, Where is my life?

Where's his life? Is he giving me what I need? Am I giving him what he needs?

So I think that helped me leave.  And then I don't remember the second part of the question.

Yeah. I'll just add a note there too about the journaling. I am a huge proponent or opponent, whatever, huge  advocate Yes. There we go.

Yeah. It has.  I think like in the moment, it's really helpful because you get to see what you write, but I think what's really helpful too is getting to reflect, look back at what you wrote.

There's still times now where I'll feel sad and I'll go read my initial journal entries from the first like few weeks and months of navigating the trauma. And it's just so cool to see how far you've come and to be reminded of how. I don't want to say worse, but like how sad you really were. And just I remember even journaling while I was still in the relationship with him when I started to notice there, like a lot of red flags and things were going downhill.

And even times when I did have the rose colored glass, like I can still look back at that and be like, okay no, like that is what he was doing.  The relationship isn't what I thought it was. But the other question for you was, what were some things that were helpful  inhealing after the fact 

I think the first thing for me, again, everyone copes differently, but this is what helped me, was keeping busy. So being around close family and friends. I would overbook myself. Like, when I say overbook myself, I was like, I was never alone. I could not be alone. Because when I was alone, that's when my head was spiraling.

That's when I was like playing the what if game or my anxiety would act up. So I think being around your closest family and friends, having that support system, honestly, by the end of it, I sounded like a broken record, like for six months, at least where I was like, did I do the right thing?  Can you guys tell me the bad?

Can you tell me the good, because I truly was doubting myself. So I think just like I needed that's what worked for me. It might not work for everyone. I think journaling helped. Honestly, another thing that truly helped and saved my life was my therapist. She was just had an unbiased perspective.

She is she had, she was very smart and intelligent. Like she went to Northwestern, had her Ph. D. So I knew I was talking to someone credible that knew the medicine. John was on that knew the things he was diagnosed with that knew what I had going on. Like I, it was just,  it was great to hear someone from the outside looking in because your family's so involved.

They're, they love you. They're going to be biased. They're going to say Oh,  whatever. They're just going to be on your side. No matter what. I just needed to hear maybe almost that reassurance or validation. Hey.  John or Jane Doe, you did the right thing. And just like talking to someone like that again, I said, I think I went to therapy once a week, if not twice a week, sometimes keeping busy journaling and then finding things that I enjoyed, I think by the end of the three and a half years or four years,  I was so used to like the house mom life.

Like I was working a full time job, but I was also taking care of him in a way. And I was taking care of our dog and. I was in Dallas, I didn't really have friends out there, I had a few people I knew, but I felt like I was playing house, like I was cooking, I was cleaning, I was doing laundry, I was taking care of the dog,  I worked fully remote while he was going into the office, so I just lost who I was, I didn't know what my interests were, I stopped working out, which that's what Kate kept me sane, so actually working out helps a lot, or it helped me traveling helped but ultimately I just lost who I was, so I think by the end of it, I was trying to figure out what do I like  what are my hobbies? What interests me? Is it cooking? Is it working out? Is it hanging out with friends? Is it getting another damn dog? I don't know. But  that's, that was challenging, but it was also rewarding because now I'm able to do what I'm able to do me. 

Like I'm doing me again. And I think that is huge with healing because you start loving yourself again. You start finding yourself again. And you realize you're okay to be alone. You don't need  a fiance right now. Like just because everyone else has a fiance or a boyfriend, you'll get through it and you'll get on the other side, but you have to first refind yourself,  what you like, what you don't like, your hobbies and your interests, and then love yourself before you jump into something else.

Yes. That is so good. I'm so proud of you. But, 

I'm sorry. 

But I love the point that you said about finding yourself because I could relate to that a lot. Like I, I don't even think I realized  when I was in my relationship that I had lost myself. I But because I had lost myself, my identity so much became my partner. Like it was like us, like we, that was my identity.

Like us, him, the dog, like we were like a family. That was my identity. That's what it was. So then losing that, you're like, who the fuck am I? What do I do now? And Yeah, just like you said, taking time to find out what do you actually enjoy? The ways I spent my free times on weekdays and weekends completely changed.

Like the types of people I surrounded myself around, like everything changes and it can, of course it can feel like a lot but then you When you get through the other side, you're like, wow, I'm so proud of who I am now. And I like this version of me more. And because of that, I don't feel like I need  to jump into a relationship right away like you said, focus on yourself and then the rest will come. 

In? I don't know if this would be helpful and like we can cut this out, but do you want to maybe chat about like red flags that could help someone?

I think there's an episode on that, but I don't know

I think that would be amazing. Yeah, do you want to talk about  some of the red flags? I think it's just so helpful to know because no one educates women on this. No one's hey, here's red flags of a potential porn or sex addiction, by the way.

You don't find out until your life just crashed upside down.

Yeah Again, the red flags can be different for everyone.  This is what I experienced. I think me and you had similar experiences. But one of the main red flags was early on in our relationship where we were, he officially asked me to be  his girlfriend  and I saw that he was still active on the dating apps  and he said he deleted the app and I was like I still see your profile and some will be like you're a hypocrite.

You didn't delete it. And I'm like,  I didn't delete it, but that's because I was paused, I wasn't using it in that sense, it's just I saw his activity he was changing his location, it's one second he was in this city and the next  second he was in a different city, mind you, while we were dating. So I was like, okay, this is weird. So that was like one red flag, but I was like, okay, maybe he's just being curious, I don't know. Then the other thing was Instagram and Facebook. He had a habit of adding women on Instagram and Facebook, just random women.

And I would go on the accounts, cause this is when Instagram still showed like followers by like most recent.  And they were like half naked women. They were porn stars. They had like  their chest exposed. They were in like string bikinis or thongs, it was a lot and it would be like he'd follow 10 one day and then all of a sudden unfollow all of them within 24 hours or he'd follow a couple and then go through their Instagram page and like their pictures or comment on them and then all of a sudden just get out.

It was weird It was just like Behavior, but I would see all this because by the end of it like I mean it sucks but yes, I was tracking it because It was getting out of hand. Or there was times where like  our mutual friend posted a picture of her and sorority sisters, and he would follow every single one of those girls, but he didn't know any of them. And I'd be like, what are we doing here?

And he's Oh, she was really pretty. And I'm like, but you're dating me. I just, at that point okay you can have girl. I think any one in a relationship can have girl or guy friends. It's not a big deal. But if you're dating me, and you're following all these girls

Yeah.

again, everyone has their own opinions about what cheating is, but in my opinion, that was cheating and then it makes me feel like shit, of am I not good enough?

And I start comparing myself to these girls.  

Completely. 

self worth and self confidence goes down because it's like I don't look like that. I'm not a some sorority girl that has her boobs done  like it just, it sucked. So that was another one. 

And you're not that age and you can't be that age like you shouldn't be a sorority girl right now And he shouldn't be creeping on sorority girls

no, exactly. So that was also weird. And then there's times where I caught him DMing. Late, like women a little sexual, a little flirting, but again I just thought it was a immature behavior. I just thought maybe he had commitment issues or it was just because we were younger. And then there was some slip ups with porn that I found. And then by the end of it, like it was, that was Instagram and Facebook. And then by that, like we had so many conversations. I was like, Hey, what's going on? Yada. He started turning off all of his notifications. So Snapchat notifications were off his Instagram and Facebook.  So I thought everything was done and over with, but he was just 

what my ex did too Yeah, he had all his notifications turned off even and he wouldn't even have his phone on vibrate Like even if someone would text him there would be no alert nothing. Yeah. Oh my 

So that was the other thing that I found out. And then he got, he just kept getting better. It's every time I called him out. There was another thing that came up and then, so he figured that out and started deleting stuff on all those apps. And then he started hiding apps that he was downloading and redownloading.

So he would make accounts,  hinge accounts, Bumble accounts. He would swipe through whatever, and then delete that and redownload and delete. So it was, yeah. And sometimes

I, yeah, it, that was some of the stuff one. Ooh, sorry. Two more things. And you and I've talked about this in the past.  I'm going to get a little TMI here. One of them was the chemistry, the sexual chemistry, the physical chem,

the sex

the sex, when we were having sex,  he could not keep eye contact and would always close his eyes.

And I thought that was normal, but then once this all happened, I started doing some research and I'm like, he was fantasizing about other women while we were sleeping with each other and while we were mid sex. He was also very aggressive in bed and I put two and two together that when he was aggressive, it was after he cheated. Or he had he had issues, not issues, but after he cheated or like he had instances of

infidelity. I remember the specific night of when he slept with the stripper.  He's never been that aggressive in bed.

I'm like, again I'm fine. There was no like physical harm, but it was just an aggressive and I'm not really nervous person, but it was just aggressive. And I remember talking to my therapist and she's yeah, that is one of the signs of the remorse that he had or like the infidelity the the guilt

And then one last red flag was the wandering eyes. This man had the wondering eyes we would be together. And Hey, if I see a hot person, hot guy or girl, I'll be like, damn, that girl's hot, damn that dude's hot. But when you're staring and staring to the point where he would literally put his sunglasses on to stare at a girl's ass while we're at the beach in a bikini, it's like, what are we doing here?

I got gaslit and said I wasn't looking at anyone the whole time.

Yeah. And again, all of those are such good points but, and again, I think it's so important to call these out because none of those acts in and of itself would probably be enough for someone to be like, he has a porn and sex addiction, like to jump to that conclusion right away. Like none of those acts are big enough to be like, Oh, i'm gonna end my relationship right now But then when you it's when you look back at all of them and you add them all up like then you're able to connect The dots with everything and like you said once you start researching like what the signs and symptoms and red flags are that's when everything starts adding up and Yeah, because when I look back i'm yeah It's like when I look back at my relationship at the red flags like it all makes sense now But in the moment like the sex for example,  how you said  the eye contact was never there Like we never felt like we had that like intimate emotional sex like we never Would even have like drunk sex like which I used to love having that in previous relationships like when you come back from a night out and you're just like let's have some fun if we wouldn't even have that and throughout the relationship I would always have to ask for sex  I was  the one asking for it Which was new to me because in previous relationships that wasn't really an issue but so yeah, it's so interesting and again to your point like Red flags can look different for every color. every person, especially depending on like where they're at in their addiction. But there is a lot of truth to when you listen to women talk about what the red flags were, right? There's so many common similarities, right? I just wish more women knew this information so they could at least. Be on the alert for it.

And that's not me saying Oh every man's addicted to porn and sex and every relationship is going to end cheating. And I don't want anyone to ever experience this ever. Like I would never wish this upon anyone.  

And again, like what I think is, I honestly gaslit myself because I was like, I'm crazy. Like I'm being like a girlfriend that's tracking him. And I'm sure there's a lot of women or issues where they're like my boyfriend's doing sketchy stuff on social media or my boyfriend, this. And all I have to say is like someone that was in the shoes and Mandy jump in here.

If you want or correct me if I'm wrong, but have that conversation with them. Start early of Hey, I've noticed you've been doing X, Y, and Z on social media. This is how it makes me feel. Why are you doing what you're doing? And see their reaction. Because when I did that John was very defensive and he gaslit me saying I'm not doing anything wrong.

Like you're crazy. What are you talking about? But some guys just don't realize that they're doing what they're doing. And I think to what I'm trying to get here at is these red flags could be just normal things in relationships or like just little slip ups. I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

What I'm trying to say is like these are red flags for me. These are red flags for you. And like for some people they might be like, oh, it's fine. It's just a one time thing. I'm like for some Yeah, maybe it's just a little fuck up. Like they don't realize what they're doing is hurting their partners. But for others like if you're noticing patterns, if you're noticing like he's being super sketchy on his phone or he's doing X, Y, and Z, Bring it up sooner rather than later 

 And to that point listen to your gut  My gut was screaming at me for like over a year and a half in our relationship that something was wrong But I was like on paper. He is such a good guy. My friends and family fucking love him. Like he is amazing He's like he's literally my prince charming.

He treats me so well. There's always that little Yeah, but there's always that little voice in the back of my head. I was like, something is not right here. And so because of that, I would start to get really curious about his behavior. And then the gaslighting would come where he'd be like, why would you think I do that?

I do all these amazing things for you. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. You, it must be me bringing in like past trauma from previous relationships. But yeah, I do think that's probably the biggest thing of every, Girl I've talked to is you think you're crazy, but you're screaming at you and society has conditioned us so much to not trust our intuition, but it's, it tells us, fuck, like our body is so smart.

We literally create life in our womb 

By the end of it, Mandy, my body was rejecting his body. I could not have sex with him and enjoy it.

Yes, yeah,

when I, and I remember just like having so many panic attacks and scares of Oh my God is it me? Is it him? Or he couldn't get harder. I remember running.  I took Quest Diagnostics a million times to get tested after I found out all these instances. It's just scary. My body started rejecting it because I didn't know if who I was sleeping with was the only person he was sleeping with.

Yeah. Yeah the anxiety the yeah But I my body literally I wound up in the emergency room cuz I had an ovarian cyst rupture from the stress Only finding out the week before and he was on dating apps talking to girls like my body just fucking knew it There's like something is not right with this man Which yeah I remember when I overheard him pick up the FaceTime with the porn star when I was in the room next to him I literally bent over in my like I was Oh, like I made like an audible sound holding my gut and it was this intense sharp pain and like my body was telling me that he was literally on the phone with someone and it turned out to be a porn star later when I 

to your gut, ladies. 

It's 

Listen to your gut. Yeah 

a woman's 

to your gut. You're, 

is

the best  and is

You're not crazy.  The man wants you to think you're crazy, but you are not crazy. want you to think you're crazy, that's when they, that's when they're doing something wrong. 

of time though. Is there anything that you would like to say maybe to any woman who are considering leaving, who have left, or just any, anything that comes to mind,

There's so many things. 

I don't know. It's just to sum up and wrap up what we've been saying is one, you're not crazy two , listen to your gut.  Women's intuition is always right.  Three, you are not alone. There's so many women, so many men going through this, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and yes, the rollercoaster will be rough.

There's going to be seven days you don't want to get out of bed, but then there's going to be days that you're doing better. I promise you that if you are in our position,  if you are going back and forth do I leave? Do I not don't leave? If you're asking yourself, do I leave? That means you leave.

You should not be asking yourself, do I leave a relationship? If it's truly perfect, if it's healthy and if it's not toxic, if you are asking yourself that  run, like 

Yes.

I, there's so many women I know that ask themselves that and I go, what are you doing in the relationship? If you're asking yourself this and they're like I've been with this person for 10 years and it's that should not keep you with someone. Yes, those are 10 years. Yes. Those that's your best friend. Yes. Those are memories,  but what you had for those 10 years is something you can have with someone you meet in one year and you can be married, you can have kids. I know that sounds crazy. And people are like, okay, this girl's on crack.

Like you're just reading this shit that I want to hear, but truly, don't be scared to take that leap of faith. Like I did, and I was engaged. Like I had my wedding planned and I called it off. We had a date set. Was it one of the hardest things I've ever done? Yes. Would I do it all over again if I could look back?

Yes, a hundred percent. I think truly, if it wasn't now, it would have happened in five or 10 years. If another instance happened and

it gets harder when kids come around, when families are involved, when your finances are combined, like it's just scary and I don't know, I'm rambling again, but if you are in this position and I pray to God, you're not like lean on your family, lean on your friends,  get help from an outside perspective, whether that's a therapist or a counselor, anyone like just use your support system.

And if you don't have a support system there's counselors, there's therapists, there's, even if you're in school, like I'm sure your teacher will talk to you as well, like just reach out for help and know you are not alone and there truly is light at the end of the tunnel. I get. Look at me, look at Mandy. We, I remember we called each other, bawling our eyes out. Like we're not going to make it out. We're not.

Huh. 

this girl's thriving, has her own podcast, is moving across the country, moving to a different country,  inspiring other women  who also are inspiring other, like we're, she's created this family, this bond with all these other women.

So many women have reached out to her. We just get on the other side of it. I feel like I'm finally okay. Is it haunting me sometimes? Yes, of course. But that's like with the death, like grieving is always going to be there and there's going to be times where yes, you think about the good, you think about the bad, but just keep moving forward.

It will get better. Keep doing you love yourself first before jumping into anything or meeting anyone else. 

I'm ranting. 

so fucking proud of you oh my gosh you are amazing oh my gosh i look up to you so much you are 

I look up to you! so

many women look up to you. Are you kidding? 

gosh no that feels weird but yeah it's just yeah and i feel like something i think the way to help women heal through this is to heal hear other stories of women who left. And again, that's not to shame women who stay.

Every relationship, journey, man, girl, whatever is different. But if you're thinking of leaving and the only reason you're not is because you're afraid, I just want women to know there are so many women who have left. And they turn out great. Everything is even better in their life.

So thank you.

and honestly if someone hears this podcast and they're like, I have no one to reach out to, please reach out to me. Please reach out to Mandy. Mandy will give you my number, contact information. I could be an ear. Because that's what saved me. And that's why I'm here today. Like it was my support system.

And if it wasn't my support system, I think I'd still be  in the same spot. I would be getting married in three months or four.

Wow. 

and yeah, my engagement  date is coming up in almost a month. But no it's not about me right now. It's about the healing, but seriously, reach out to me, reach out to Mandy. We're here for you, and so is your support

 Yes. Thank you so much for saying that. I completely agree. Yeah. Just reach out to someone. And if you need someone Jane Doe and I are here and I will 

Jane Doe, baby! 

information. Jane Doe. I'm going to change your contact on my phone and Jane Doe now. 

Jane Doe on speed dial, I'm here. Kid you not, I was calling people every second of the day, just to talk to someone, just to hear another person's voice. Because you go from living with someone for two years, So being alone is  scary, sometimes

that's what's best for you.

It's scary, but there's a lot of possibilities that remain on the other side, positive possibilities.

And again, like I want to end on a positive note. Like  the relationship was great. I learned a lot. Like I'm thankful for him, for where he, where I am today. But yeah, some people  just need to figure themselves out before jumping into a relationship and dragging the other person down with them. 

Yeah, 

All right. Thank you so much. And on that note, I'll leave this episode with Elsa. If you want to get involved with a support group feel free to reach out to me on Instagram. I can send you a link to one. It's free. I didn't create it. I'm not, it's not this weird marketing scheme, but there's  professional resources in there.

There's thousands of women. It's, it can just be so helpful, especially in those initial stages where you're trying to figure out what to do. And they have advice for programs and therapists and everything that you need. And it's 100 percent free as it should be. Yeah. Okay. Thank you so much, Jane Doe.

Course. Thank you. And again, I'm honored to be on here and. Again, I'm here for anyone.  I'm here to listen to anyone. , thank you. And I really hope this helps women or men that are  struggling in a relationship or fighting a porn addiction and sex addiction. It not only affects them, but it affects the partners they're with as well.

Yeah, thank you. 

Amen to that. Thank you.