In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

21. Navigating Caregiving Without Sacrificing Connection

July 16, 2024 • Marika • Season 1 • Episode 21

Share episode

Send us a text

I’m excited to dive into a topic that’s close to my heart: maintaining connection with your partner while caregiving. Our connections to our partners bring us joy, make us feel whole, and contribute to our spiritual resilience. Yet, the demands of caregiving can sometimes erode these vital bonds. 

I’ll explore the key elements that maintain our connection with our partners: emotional intimacy, trust, respect, communication, quality time, and physical connection. You'll hear personal stories and practical tips to help you reflect on your relationship, recognize areas of strength, and identify aspects that might need some work.

I'll also tackle the common barriers that get in the way of connection, such as lacking boundaries, judgment, and poor communication. You'll learn how to reaffirm your caregiving role as a choice, combat resentment, and maintain open, honest dialogue. 

Join me to uncover the keys to preserving your relationship's depth and joy, even in the face of caregiving demands.

Resources:

From Partner to Caregiver: How to Preserve Your Relationship and Identity in the Midst of Change

How to Deal with Caregiver Resentment

Interested in learning how you can work with me as your coach? Click here to set up a time for us to talk.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Hello, caregivers and care partners, welcome back with me. Today we're going to talk about how to maintain connection with your partner. When we become a caregiver for our partner, it will undoubtedly affect our relationship. When one person's health is impacted so much so that the other person has to take on the role of caregiver, it changes the dynamics in the relationship. Often we go from an equal partnership to one person taking over tasks and responsibilities for the other person, and health issues can impact our physical intimacy with our partner. It often changes our social life and the ways that we interact with each other, the ways that we have fun together. Instead of talking about vacations and home projects and future plans, your conversation is dominated by health care and doctor's appointments and medications, and those are all major changes. Our partner's health can totally change how we interact in the relationship and for some of you, your partner may have their speech impacted or their cognitive abilities as a result of their health situation, so you can't communicate in the way that you once did. And again, all of these changes just make it more difficult and change the way we connect with our partner. So I want to talk about that today, because the depth of our relationships and our connections to other people are part of what brings us joy, it's part of how we feel whole and it's part of what I consider our spiritual resilience like, our connection to ourselves, to others and to the world around us. So I want to talk today about how to maintain that connection, really what it is, and then all the things that get in the way of that connection with our partner. So let's start by exploring the different elements of connection in a relationship, because I think just having an understanding of these elements will just help us recognize the challenges that caregivers face that can impact these things. And as I talk about them, you may start reflecting on your relationship as it is right now. And what elements do you have, what elements do you feel like you have that are very solid and what elements maybe you need to work on.

Marika Humphreys:

So the first aspect of connection is emotional intimacy and that's just the ways that we share our innermost thoughts and feelings and experiences with our partner. It's the open and honest and nonjudgmental communication and often in caregiving, so much of our focus is on just like the practical aspects and the care that they need, we can often sort of overlook that emotional connection and the stress and fatigue associated with caregiving often makes it harder to just find the energy for deep, meaningful conversations right. One of the simplest ways to maintain emotional intimacy is to just have daily check-ins with your partner where you don't talk about healthcare or doctor's appointments or kind of business, right, you just check in and see where you are or how you're each feeling and just a connection point. That's a great practice in all relationships really, but I think it's especially important when we're caregiving.

Marika Humphreys:

Trust and security is another element that is necessary in order for us to feel connected. They're really foundational to most relationships. We need to have trust and we need to feel secure in that relationship, and when one person becomes a caregiver for the other can impact that the person being cared for may feel a lot more vulnerable, independent and be impacted by their loss of autonomy and independence, and on the other side, the caregiver might feel insecure or inadequate in the care that they're providing. So you're kind of each in these new roles that change the dynamics a little bit, and ways to address this is to be honest and about your own feelings, your own concerns. As the caregiver, you may want to reassure your partner that you want to do this. You want to be their caregiver I'm going to talk more about that in a little bit making sure that that is your choice. But that is one of the ways that we can build a trust and a sense of security in our relationship, and so reaffirming that that is the role that you are wanting to take on can really help to that effect.

Marika Humphreys:

Respect, mutual respect it's another element to connection, and that just involves valuing each other's opinions, each other's needs, each other's individuality, and it does also mean treating each other with kindness and consideration and in a caregiving dynamic. I think there can sometimes be the risk that that erodes from the care partner perspective or the caregiver perspective. You can, unintentionally maybe, treat your partner very much like a patient or kind of talk around them or about them, and you want to just be really aware of that. To maintain respect, you want to always keep in mind and try and honor their autonomy and their preferences as much as possible. One of my clients has done this amazingly as her partner who had cancer, his ability to communicate completely eroded and while they had some in-home help, often the in-home help would just sort of talk over him because they couldn't actually communicate very well with him, but she worked so hard to address him, even though it was difficult to understand him. She's like he's still in there, he just can't talk as well. So that's a great example of how you maintain that respect, even if one person's capabilities or their ability to communicate has eroded.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, another element to connection is communication. Simply being open and honest in your communication. Again, that's a critical piece in all relationships being honest with each other, truly listening, that is how we understand each other, that's how we become closer. But in caregiving situations a lot of times communication can get really strained and what I see happens often is the caregiver will withhold sort of their own thoughts and feelings because they don't want to stress their partner out or burn their partner. So you really want to again be aware of this. Communication and being willing to share your feelings and thoughts and worries with your partner is how we connect. And having those difficult conversations, that's how we maintain our connection.

Marika Humphreys:

Quality time that's another really important element of connection and yet one that I think goes often out the window, sometimes entirely, depending on the nature of your caregiving relationship and the nature of your partner's health losses or what their kind of constraints are. But it may just mean you have to rethink what quality time looks like together. One of my clients, she and her husband, used to go out to eat. That was just something they did and it was how they connected and had conversations, and with his health situation he actually couldn't eat anymore. He had to have a feeding tube, and so they couldn't go out to eat anymore, and so they just had to rethink what connection looked like and it became totally different. But that is often what we have to do, and that means just bringing some deliberateness and consciousness to your changed situation, being supportive and encouraging of each other.

Marika Humphreys:

This is another thing that I think can get very lopsided when we become a caregiver, because we can feel like we become as the caregiver. We are the ones supporting them, and it's not often mutual, but it needs to be at least in some way, and I think our expectations need to be shifted a little bit because our partner can support us. It just may look very different than it did before. If your partner was the one that always took out the trash and mowed the lawn and they can't do those things anymore, it doesn't mean they can't support you or be supportive in the relationship. It just may have to change and you might have to think about what that means. Right, and that's where open communication comes in. You can talk about it. You can talk about it, set goals together. So, again, it's just a real shift that needs to happen, but it's an important element to staying connected.

Marika Humphreys:

And another one, too that I think we have to really rethink is physical connection. Often intimacy, like sexual and those are things like hugs, kisses, holding hands, just touch, is so important, maybe even more important for connection. It's just physical presence of another person who loves you. That is so, so important and that's what you want to keep in mind. That is how you can maintain physical affection even if you can't have the intimacy that you used to have. So simple things like holding hands and rubbing their shoulders, cuddling, that is also how you can maintain physical connection. So all of those elements are aspects of how we stay connected in our relationships with our partner and in life. Our kids, jobs, obligations they all get in the way of us making those different elements a priority. So when you add a health challenge to the mix, it's no wonder that we struggle to maintain connection, talking about it and kind of bringing these elements to the forefront. I just want you to think about it and think about what areas you may want to work on improving and what areas maybe you're strong.

Marika Humphreys:

I will share with you my story of a period where I really felt disconnected and didn't realize it until coworker asked me a question. They knew my situation at home and my husband had been in very bad physical shape. And the coworker just commented one day while I was at work oh, that's got to be really hard on your relationship. And I just replied without a thought. I just said what relationship we don't have one. I'm his nurse. And kind of realized in that moment how bitter I felt. And at the time it felt true Relationship as husband and wife had become one of patient and nurse. But right after the words came out of my mouth I realized how bitter I was about it and that bitterness just stemmed from shift in our dynamics of a relationship that I hadn't quite confronted. Also, it brought to the forefront some things that I want to talk about of what gets in the way of that connection. So we had lost some of the aspects that made our relationship strong. They had changed. And while we had made some changes, there were other things that I think we didn't adjust to as quickly, and so, again, upon reflection and with the clients I've coached, now I've learned a ton, and I want to share with you what I've learned so that you can be on the lookout for, and hopefully address, any areas where you've become disconnected.

Marika Humphreys:

But first a quick note about change in a relationship. So, before I go into these areas, I want to address a big misconception about relationships. Even though we have a relationship with another person, there's two people involved. It does not require two people to change the dynamics of that relationship. One person alone has the power to affect change in a relationship all by themselves. I really want you to keep that in mind. One person can change the dynamics of a relationship. You don't need both people on board. So whatever thoughts you've had to this point, as I've been talking about, well, they don't do this and they don't do that. And if they only appreciated me more. I want you to let all that chatter go, because you can affect changing your relationship all by yourself, simply by changing how you think, feel and act. So that is the power that we all have and with that in mind, let's just talk about now the things that get in the way of feeling connected Lacking boundaries.

Marika Humphreys:

People often fall into the role of being a caregiver or care partner, meaning it's not something you plan for. Something happens a health crisis or a diagnosis and we become a caregiver and we just take on various responsibilities as they come up and what can easily happen is trying to do too much or all sorts of things, and that leads to burnout. We simply end up exhausted and when you're exhausted, it's really hard to feel connected. So all of us have basic needs and we all have limitations on our time and our energy, and if we aren't prioritizing those needs and we are consistently pushing past our limitations, we are going to end up exhausted. We're going to end up burned out. When that happens, you don't have anything left to give and you won't have the energy for true connection, for all of those elements I talked about earlier. So boundaries help us honor our needs and limitations so that we do have some energy leftover.

Marika Humphreys:

Boundaries are simply a way to separate one thing from another. A border is a boundary between two countries. A fence is a boundary between two properties and in relationships, a boundary can be set to create some separation between two people, so it can be a way to protect ourselves and our needs, and many caregivers just have not created any limitations or created any ways to separate themselves from their partner and their role as a caregiver. So that is really important to do, and you want to have some limitations so that you have some energy left over. You want to be realistic about what you can handle, set some limits for yourself and, from there, determine what you can do, what you have the energy and capacity for, and from there, with the things that are left over, you can put your brain to work to figure out how to get things done. Maybe it's asking for help, maybe it's rethinking what is absolutely necessary and what you can let go of, or maybe it's creating a super detailed schedule that includes some time for yourself. There are lots of ways to address the problem, but it first starts with creating some boundaries around your role as a caregiver so that you can protect your wellbeing and maintain the energy you need to stay connected with your partner.

Marika Humphreys:

Another big area or aspect that gets in the way of connection is not choosing, and here's what I mean by that. Resentment will be a big killer to connection, and it often arises when we are feeling stuck in our responsibilities and we're caregiving out of obligation. We're feeling unappreciated and resentful and maybe even a little self-pity, and that is it's easy to fall into, especially when maybe this is not what we expected of our life at this age, or this isn't what we signed up for. So to combat resentment, one of the ways you can do that is by reminding yourself you have a choice. Now hear me out here before you answer that you may not feel like you don't have a choice or there is no choice. Hear me out. I really encourage you to revisit the decision to be a caregiver and either reaffirm it or reconsider it. Even if you think I have no choice there is no one else to do this you still have a choice. You may not like your options. They may not be great options or alternatives, but we always have a choice, and reminding ourselves that we have a choice is how we feel in control. It's how we remember that we do have control in our lives.

Marika Humphreys:

I have a little hack I do with myself when I'm noticing that I'm feeling overwhelmed and dread the night before a workday, when I have a project or a task that I just don't want to do or I know is going to be hard and take a lot of energy. And I start to get this little dread and sort of self-pity the night before when I noticed that I remind myself I don't have to do that thing. I do not have to do it. Nobody is holding a gun to my head. I am choosing to do this and that may seem simple and silly, but I will tell you it reminds me that it's my choice. I'm choosing to do this hard thing or this pain in the butt thing, but I'm choosing it and it takes a lot of pressure off this kind of obligation that I create for myself.

Marika Humphreys:

To give you another example, one of my recent clients. She had been her husband's full-time caregiver for over a decade and he had a massive stroke and it impacted his health severely. And when she started with me, she was just noticing that she was becoming a little irritable and short with him. And then she felt terrible about it and she was, as it turned out, just starting to feel a little resentful for the constraints that being his caregiver had put on her life. And by simply reaffirming to herself that she did in fact want to be his caregiver, it reminded her that, even though it's really hard at times, she had chosen this and in fact she had chosen it years and years before and she was still choosing it. But she had to remind herself that it was her choice.

Marika Humphreys:

So sometimes we have to revisit the decisions we've made in the past to see if we still want to make that same decision or do we want to choose differently. We don't do that a lot of times, but when we stop actively making choices in our life, that is when we feel like either a victim to our circumstances and we'll get resentful, because it is through our choices that we exercise power in our life, power to make decisions about what we want, what our limitations are, how we want to do things. That is how we feel empowered. So when resentment comes up, it's because you've forgotten that you actually have a choice. Really want to encourage you to reflect on your reasons for caregiving and acknowledge your feelings honestly and either reaffirm your choice and your reasons or decide differently. But that's how we take responsibility for our decisions and that will prevent that feeling of resentment and that won't get in the way then of staying connected to our partner.

Marika Humphreys:

Third big area that gets in the way is judgment. Sometimes, when we're caring for our partner, we develop judgments about them, about how they should be doing things, about what they should be doing. And I will say that our judgments often feel important and they come from a place of wanting the best for them. But it's still judgment. It's still wanting them to be different or behave different than they are, and that will create distance in a relationship. And I think this happens in any relationship. But it can particularly be more challenging when we're caregiving, because we're more involved in our partner's life than we probably were beforehand or we would have been otherwise. And often their actions do affect us more than they would have otherwise if we weren't their caregiver. So it is easy to judge, it's easy to have opinions about how they should do things. So it's a real fine line that you have to walk and you just have to be aware of, because anytime we want our partner to be different than they are or behave differently than they are behaving, we create distance in our relationship.

Marika Humphreys:

Judging keeps a barrier between us, because when we're judging, we aren't seeking to understand, we're not inquiring to find out why they do something the way they do. We're not bringing curiosity, we're not inquiring to find out why they do something the way they do. We're not bringing curiosity, we're bringing judgment. And intimacy and connection comes from truly knowing each other. So when we're judging, in some way it keeps us from knowing To avoid judgment. Or, instead of judgment, you want to practice empathy and curiosity, and that will lead to more understanding. Because your partner is dealing with their own challenges and likely their behavior is influenced by their conditions and what they're struggling with. And so, instead of judging, we want to seek to understand their perspective, understand what's going on for them. That's how you can bring a little compassion as well. So, as a caregiver, we want to be there to assist and support them, but not to judge and criticize. And then the last area that prevents connection is communication barriers. When we stop communicating openly and honestly with our partner, we will create distance in the relationship, and what often happens for caregivers is they stop sharing their own struggles with their partner because they don't want to burden them or they don't want to upset them. But instead what happens is we create distance when we do that.

Marika Humphreys:

One of my clients started working with me after her husband had come back from the hospital after surgery for his cancer and even though they had always talked and he often was a huge emotional support for her, she stopped sharing with him her own concerns because she didn't want to worry him and granted her own concerns because she didn't want to worry him and granted he had come home for the hospital. He was weak, but he was also still her partner and the way she described it was she put a cancer filter over all of their communications and the problem with that was she ended up feeling very alone and isolated and disconnected from him because she wasn't sharing with him. Right, she had kind of stopped opening up and I see so many of my clients doing this. They stop being honest because they don't want to worry their partner, but it does create distance. Okay, your partner doesn't stop being your partner, no matter what health situation they're facing. Right, they're still your partner and you can share what's going on for you without making it their problem. That is how you maintain open communication is you keep sharing, you keep telling them what you're worried about, what your fears are, but you don't have to make it their problem.

Marika Humphreys:

Example of how to do that is I am feeling really overwhelmed today, but I'm working on it right or I'm worried about this, but I'm just sharing with you. That's one of the things that I often say in my relationships is I will preface something by saying I'm just sharing, and that's a way of communicating, like this isn't something you have to take on or fix for me, it's just sharing. I'm just sharing Preschool. We learn to share. That's how we connect with each other. We share, we share what's true for us, what's going on for us. It doesn't mean you're asking your partner to fix it, for you to take it on as a stress Even if they do. Naturally, some people are worried about that. They're going to take it on. You can say look, I need to share with you, this is how I connect, but I don't want you to worry about this, I'm managing, I'm handling it, I'm getting help, okay.

Marika Humphreys:

So open and honest communication with your partner is how we maintain our connection. So those are the biggest barriers to staying connected when you're caregiving. And remember, even though a relationship exists between two people, one person has the power to affect change in that dynamic. By changing how you think, how you feel and how you act, you will make a significant impact in your relationship just you alone. So caregiving can be challenging, but to maintain emotional intimacy, trust, respect, communication, quality time, physical connection can preserve your connection with your relationship, and that is one of the things that brings us joy is how we connect with ourselves and others. Be on the lookout for the biggest things that get in the way lacking boundaries, being judgmental, not communicating openly, not choosing your role deliberately those are the things that get in the way. So hopefully that gets you thinking a little bit and reflecting about your own relationship and where you can improve it. What are the areas that may need some improvement? All right, my friends, I will see you next week.