In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

27. Letting Go of Expectations for Your Partner

August 27, 2024 • Marika • Season 1 • Episode 27

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Caring for a partner with a serious health condition is incredibly challenging. Their behavior and emotions can change, leaving you frustrated, worried, or simply confused. In this episode, I dive into a concept called "the manual," a set of expectations we often have for how others, especially our partners, should behave. Drawing from my own experience and insights from Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School, I explain how these expectations can unintentionally create distance in your relationship.

We all want the best for our loved ones, but our emotions often become tied to whether they follow our "manual." When they don’t, it can lead to frustration and disconnection. I share real-life examples to illustrate how letting go of these expectations can foster deeper understanding, connection, and emotional empowerment.

If you’re caregiving and find yourself struggling with your partner’s choices, this episode offers a fresh perspective on how to support them while maintaining your own emotional well-being.

Resources:

2. Stop Caregiver Worry by Believing in Their Strength

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Welcome to episode 27 of the podcast. Hello, caregivers and care partners, how are you all? I am doing well. I had a great weekend. I've recently taken up cycling or road biking, some people call it and I'm really loving it. So it's a lot of fun. It's also a lot of work. We've got hills around here, lots of hills, which is a great workout for the legs, but it allows you to just see places from a different perspective, and I'm really enjoying cycling. And here in Washington we can't always cycle all year round because we do get a lot of rain, but people cycle in the rain. It kind of doesn't ever rain super hard usually, so you can't cycle in the rain Anyway. So I am doing well, and today we are going to talk about a concept I've learned from my coach, brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School.

Marika Humphreys:

Know that it is really challenging when your partner has a serious health condition or is battling an illness. It's difficult and it impacts both of you, but it will impact you in different ways. As they cope and try to struggle with their situation and as they go through treatment, you may notice changes in their behavior, changes in their emotional state. They may act in ways that are difficult to understand, and if you've been a care partner for a long time, I would bet that there are things your partner does that just frustrate you or drive you crazy. Or maybe you just simply don't understand, because your partner's behavior around their health, things that they do or don't do sometimes can be really confusing, frustrating, even worrisome, because we usually want the best for the people that we love. So today I am talking about a concept called the manual and, as I mentioned, I first learned this from my coach, brooke Castile, of the Life Coach School.

Marika Humphreys:

Manual is what we have for the people in our lives. Now, if you think about when you buy a new kitchen appliance, it comes with a set of instructions for how it should perform. That's what a manual is. Well, we also have manuals for the people in our lives, in our relationships. We have ideas and beliefs about how someone should behave. For example, you might think your partner should remember your birthday and buy you flowers, or your friend should be on time if you're meeting up for lunch. Right, those are some small things, but they're just examples of the often unconscious expectations we have for our partner or for other people in our lives, and that's not uncommon In relationships. We all have manuals, we all have ideas or expectations about how people should behave in that relationship, and it may depend on the relationship right. We expect our boss to behave a certain way, and that might be slightly different than how we expect our best friend to behave, and we have, of course, expectations about how a good partner should behave, or our spouse.

Marika Humphreys:

And if our partner is battling illness or a disability and we are now caregiving for them, we tend to add certain things to our manual for them around how they should be, around how they should be behaving with their health. For example, they should tell you when they aren't feeling well, or they shouldn't overwork themselves, or they should stay positive and not get angry or upset easily, or they should eat better, take better care of themselves. When my husband was battling cancer, I wanted him to be positive. The reason I wanted that was because if he was feeling positive and hopeful, it would just be so much easier for me to feel that way too. But instead he was often frustrated and sometimes angry, as I've talked about on this podcast, and when he was in those emotional states it was much harder for me and I worried about it. I was more on edge because of his emotions, so I wanted him to be a certain way because of how it was going to make me feel. Of course, I did not realize that at the time, but that's what I'm getting to with the manual.

Marika Humphreys:

I would love for you to just take a second and, as I talk about this, think about your partner right now and what are some of the things that you think they should be doing or maybe should not be doing? I'm sure you have a list right. It's totally natural if you do, and often it comes from the perspective that we want them to be well or to take the best care of themselves, and we tend to think we know what's best for other people, especially when we're in that caregiving role, and often we're the ones kind of taking on a lot of responsibility for their health. We're the ones kind of taking on a lot of the responsibility for their health. So it is natural, especially as a care partner, to want your partner to be taking the best care of themselves that they can. But I will tell you, there's a problem with this and actually there's two main reasons that this unconscious set of expectations we have for our partner is not useful and it becomes a problem, especially when our partner may have different ideas about how they should behave. Right? This usually becomes an issue when our partner doesn't comply with our manual right, behave in a way that we don't like or think should be different. So close relationships and in caregiving, it is very easy to tie our emotions to whether or not our partner is living up to our manual for them, our expectations for how they should behave. We might want them to take care of their health in a certain way, always keep us informed of doctor's appointments or tell us how they're feeling, and when they don't do these, we feel frustrated or confused or worried, right? So what's happening in that type of situation is our emotions get tied to their behavior. If they did the things that we wanted them to do, we would feel good and we would be relaxed and maybe feel reassured and at ease and not worried. But if they don't do the things that we think, they should feel more anxious or we might worry or feel frustrated. So I want to give you an example of this because I think it'll kind of have it make the most sense.

Marika Humphreys:

One of my clients her husband, was in a wheelchair and could no longer walk on his own and so he spent a lot of times indoors and she would offer to go out on walks with him to get him outside, and he would usually want to come back to the house fairly soon, which she just never understood, and sometimes it even frustrated and worried her a little bit. But she kept offering and kept trying to get him to go out and get out of the house. And when we talked about this idea of the manual she realized that she was putting her wants on him. She was somebody that liked to be out and about and couldn't imagine just being cooped up in the house all day. So she just imagined that that's how he felt as well. But she realized he had never said that. He never said he wanted to get out more and in fact he did tire kind of easily. So she could see that these walks were sometimes tiresome or a little bit stressful for him. But it was so important to her in her own life that she just never thought he would feel any differently.

Marika Humphreys:

So we tend to do that, tend to see our wants and needs as the same and imagine that our partner has the same wants and needs and so when they do things that don't line up with that, it can be hard to understand. Or in other situations we may think that we know what's best for them to take care of their health and they maybe are doing something that is clearly not good for them. So our emotions can get very tied up in that, when we don't realize that this is our manual for them right, our ideas about how they should and shouldn't behave, and a lot of times it comes from a good place but it makes us emotionally disempowered because emotional life becomes dependent on what our partner is doing or not doing. And you will feel calm and reassured when they behave in the ways that you think they should, but when they don't, you're going to feel anxious and worried and frustrated. Usually it can go one of two ways.

Marika Humphreys:

We tend to have one of two responses. One way is that we try to get them to do what we think they should, and again, I don't think a lot of times we do this consciously, but we might lecture them or caution them or tell them this is what the doctor said, this is what you should be doing, and often this will have a negative effect. I have seen in my own life and with many of my clients, that when they try to tell their partner what they should be doing, their partner shuts down, either ignores them or gets mad and frustrated and, instead of connecting, causes a disconnect between the two of them. So we end up stuck in this trap of trying to control their behavior so that we can feel better. If they aren't receptive to those changes or to those suggestions, it's going to cause a further disconnect. The other response that I think people tend to have is they sort of disconnect or give up altogether. Imagine someone saying well, I've told them and they don't listen, so I give up, I'm just not going to deal with it anymore, or I'm just not even going to try. It's just another way to protect our emotions from their behavior, because in both cases we're trying to control something that's outside of our control, which is another person and how they behave.

Marika Humphreys:

Another challenge with expecting or wanting our partner to behave a certain way is that when we become focused on that, we close ourself off from how they're actually being and understanding that behavior. If you just think about it for a minute, when we're stuck in frustration or annoyance or even worry, we never get to curiosity. We don't explore why they might be doing what they're doing or why they might not be doing something we don't even think to ask. In my client's situation that I just shared, she never actually asked her husband directly what he wanted, didn't even occur to her, because she just assumed she knew. So this can lead us to a point where we stop seeing our partner for who they are when we're so focused on who we want them to be, and that will disconnect us. It is literally the opposite of connection. Connection is about understanding one another of, about knowing and being known.

Marika Humphreys:

So we have a manual for our partner because we love them and want what's best for them, and while it would be lovely and so much easier if they just followed our manual, that's not how people work. People don't like to be told what to do and they like to have their own choices. So the key here is to just recognize your manual, because it can become very emotionally disempowering when you have one and don't realize it. And then you want to work on letting go of your manual so you can truly connect to your partner and maybe get to a greater understanding of why they behave the way they do. So I want to give you a few simple ways to just start recognizing your manual for your partner and, by the way, you can do this for anyone in your life.

Marika Humphreys:

We tend to have manuals for the important people in our life. It could be your mother, your best friend, your brother-in-law, uncle. If you have a challenging or have challenges with someone in your life, it is likely that you have a manual. You have some ideas about how they should be and they're not complying with your manual. So one way to identify what that is with your manual. So one way to identify what that is is just think in your head you can complete this sentence, my partner should what? What are all the things that you think they should do? And maybe you restrict that to their health? What should they do around their health or pick an area of life? Do you expect them to keep you informed of calls with the doctor? Do you want them to share all their feelings with you so you can stay on aware of what's going on? Maybe you want them to exercise or eat better, or you want them to show appreciation for all that you do. Just think about all the ways that you want them to behave and kind of make a list, or make a list on paper. And then the other way to think about it is what are all the things that they should stop doing or not be doing? Should they stop eating junk food? Or should they not get so angry or not be withdrawn, or not watch so much TV or play video games? Maybe they shouldn't be rude to the nursing staff? What are all the things that you think they should not do? And just make that list. Whether you make it in your head or put it on paper, that is how you identify your manual for them.

Marika Humphreys:

We all have this. We all have ideas about how other people should behave, and often the people in our lives. They don't comply with our manual. So even though we may have the best intentions or we feel like we have the best intentions, no one likes to be told what to do or how to be, and when we try to do that, we try to get them to comply with our manual in some way, we're going to end up feeling frustrated, confused, worried, scared when they don't, and it can be very easy to fall into that trap of thinking. If they just did this, it would be so much better. Ask yourself if you have thought those words before. If they only would do this or if they'd only stop dot, dot, dot, right, it would just be so much better.

Marika Humphreys:

But the more you want them to be different, the more distance you will create between you, because it prevents you from getting to understanding, or even trying to understand, why they do the things you do. And maybe you think you know. Sometimes we think we already know why they do what they do, and that also can be dangerous, because we can be wrong. A lot of times we can be wrong, especially if we've never asked or never explored it. So I want to just encourage you to kind of make that mental list. And now they did everything on your list, how would you feel? Why do you want them to do these things For their own good?

Marika Humphreys:

I think a lot of times, as care partners and caregivers, we want them to do certain things because it's good for them. I didn't want my husband to be so angry because I didn't think it was good for him, but I want to offer that that's a really hard one, because we don't know what's good for people and sometimes people do things that may not be good for them, but it's their choice. I am a firm believer in autonomy and the right for adults to make their own decisions, and especially when someone is facing a diagnosis or a major health issue, they already lose a lot of autonomy in their lives. They lose a lot of independence, they often lose the ability to do the things they used to do, and so, maintaining the right to make their own choices, even if we think those aren't good choices, it's still their right and that is something I think we should respect. In all people right, everybody gets the choice to make their own good and bad decisions, because we all do.

Marika Humphreys:

We all make choices that aren't maybe not the best for us. I know I personally do, but if someone's going to tell me, call me on it. That's not what I would necessarily want unless I ask for it. So, before you judge them, where can you find this in your own life? Where are there areas where maybe your choices aren't good for you? And I just want to bring some awareness around this, because it is challenging. When you're in the position of caregiving, you do have responsibility or you've taken a lot of tasks that involve their health, and so a lot of times when they don't take care of themselves. In a certain way. You may feel some of the consequences of that and that, I think, is why this is extra challenging. But it's still their right to make the choices that they want to make around their life. Okay, and when you?

Marika Humphreys:

The other common reason we want people to do things a certain way or not do things is because of how it makes us feel. As I mentioned, I wanted my husband to be positive so I could more easily feel positive, and I didn't want him to get so angry because it worried me. Right, I would get on edge when he felt angry. So if he would just not behave in that way, then it would be so much easier on me. But how we think and feel does not need to depend on your partner or what they do or don't do. Okay, you can decide how you want to think and feel, regardless of what your partner is doing. You can decide to feel hopeful and optimistic even if they are angry and depressed. That is your choice. Someone has to set the tone, so why not it be you? Sometimes we look to our partner to set that tone, but it can be you. You decide, you set the lead. Think of the consequences of that right.

Marika Humphreys:

You are always in charge of your emotional state and you never, ever want to give that power away, and sometimes we do in very subtle ways, and our manuals for others is one of the ways that we can give our power away, our power over our emotional state to others, unconsciously, without realizing it. So I want to encourage you, identify what that manual is and then be willing to let it go, and that is realizing that you can decide to be okay, no matter how they behave, no matter their choices. Now I want to say that letting go of your manual, of your expectations, it doesn't mean that you stop making suggestions or expressing concerns around their health or other areas. It just means that you don't tie your emotional wellbeing to whether or not they do what you think is best. That's the difference. Right, you can still express a concern or make a suggestion, but when your emotional stability is not invested in whether or not they agree, it's going to allow you to come from a much cleaner, calmer place, and the way to do that is with love and curiosity instead of judgment or expectations.

Marika Humphreys:

When we have a manual, it's because we have judgments, thoughts, opinions about their behavior, but when we come with love and curiosity. It creates an openness. When we approach a conversation with our partner from a place of love and curiosity, there is such a much better chance that they will be receptive to what we have to say, because we're truly open to their opinion. And when we think we know what they should be doing before we've even asked or explored it, we shut down that opportunity. But love and curiosity, they may even be able to share how they feel if they sense that you aren't trying to control them or to get them to do a certain thing. So always try to be willing to listen, no matter how hard it is to hear. Come with love and curiosity. And no, I think the way to do that is realizing that we don't know what's best for them. Even if we think we do, we can be wrong and adults get to decide and make their own choices. They get to make bad choices if they want to, because we all get to that right.

Marika Humphreys:

So that is one of the ways that you can connect to your partner and support them, especially during challenging times, and I will say this is another great time to practice believing in their strength. I've done a podcast episode on this. I will link it in the show notes. But sometimes we need to believe in them. Even when they don't believe in themselves, you can believe in their strength even when they're struggling. When they don't believe in themselves, you can believe in their strength. Even when they're struggling, you can remind them past times when they've persevered through difficult situations. And that is how we believe in them, believing that they have the power within themselves.

Marika Humphreys:

But to do that, you also have to let go of your ideas of what that should look like, the path it should take. Okay, so take a look at what your manual is for your partner and I know we just talked about a manual for your partner, but you can use the same approach and identify your manual for yourself. What are the ways that you think you should be or should not be as a care partner or a caregiver, and what expectations are you holding yourself to? Do you expect yourself to always be strong and never break down? So that can be a whole other podcast episode. But we have often expectations for ourselves as well, and all of this is about bringing those expectations to light and letting go of our judgments so we can see people for who they are. All right. So take a look at your manual, be willing to let it go so you can really try to understand what's going on for them.

Marika Humphreys:

All right, my friends, I will see you next week and I want to mention if you're listening to this in real time I have some really exciting things that I'm planning for those of you on the caregiving journey.

Marika Humphreys:

I've been thinking a lot about it and it is hard, and one of my personal goals is just to be a source of inspiration during what I know are very challenging times. So I have a couple of things lined up. Through the end of the year. I've got a challenge and a workshop. So if you want to make sure and not miss any of the things that I'm doing, you want to get on my email list. You can go to my website and go to the bottom of the page and click on the newsletter, and that will put you on my email list, because I send out also a newsletter every week. So you on my email list because I send out also a newsletter every week. So get on my email list if you want to make sure to not miss any of the things. All right, I will see you all next week.