It’s one of the hardest things about midlife. Relationship changes that your head knows are a normal part of life. But your heart feels like it’s breaking.
It seems like no relationship goes unchanged in this time of transition.
You and your spouse re-evaluate what matters most in your marriage now and it doesn’t always line up with what you hoped for in the empty nest years.
Your kids grow up and move away or become distant or even difficult as they chart their own path – a path that doesn’t always include you.
You see your parents aging and prepare yourself for the day when they won’t be around anymore. Or maybe you’ve already lost one or both of them.
These changes and others like them can add up to feeling like you’re losing the love you’ve built your life on.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about how to process feelings of midlife loss so you can step into the new season of love God has waiting for you.
Find the full transcript for this episode at BloomingintheMiddle.com/6
It’s No Secret That Every Season of Life Brings Change.
It's how God designed it.
And in many areas of life, we like knowing that change is always possible.
You can learn a new language. Move to a new city. Become a parent. Or a grandparent. Train to run a marathon. Earn a degree that makes you smarter or more qualified to do your work.
In so many ways, it feels like good news when God promises to keep changing you and me. That the work He began in us will be completed. His is a promise of continued growth and transformation.
Looking at change that way makes you smile and nod and say, “Yes. Change is good.”
But … when it comes to changes in your relationships, you might wish you could just opt out. Because now change is messing with your heart.
You want the closeness you’ve built over the years with your spouse, your kids, your extended family and friends to never fade. You want the kid’s laughter and silliness to fill up your home forever. You want the crazy shared likes and preferences and inside jokes of your family to stay steady and constant.
Midlife Brings Change to You and The People You Love. And Sometimes Those Changes Hurt.
Even when they’re normal. Even when you expect them. Even when you’ve seen this moment coming.
I’m smack dab in the middle of a change like that myself. Just a few days ago, my last adult child really, truly left the nest. All three of my kids have returned home at one time or another as they transitioned from school to career or made some other big life change.
With all their coming and going, I’ve had to adjust more than once to the shocking quiet they leave behind. And it makes me sad every time.
No more shared weeknight dinners while binge-watching our favorite shows together. No more morning chats about what the day will hold over our first cup of coffee.
So, even while I’m cheering them on to their next adventure, it takes me awhile to adjust to my new normal.
It doesn’t help to be reminded that leaving home is a natural and healthy step to adulthood. I know that. But my happiness for them always sits right beside the sense of loss I feel.
What does help is remembering that it’s okay to hold both the joy and sadness side by side when one chapter ends, and a new one begins.
I don’t try to talk myself – or my kids – out of feeling all the emotions that come with change.
Have you ever felt the confusion of happiness mixed with loss when a relationship changes?
What Is Your Hurting Heart to Do When Mid-Life Relationship Changes Feel Like Loss?
It’s normal to want to hold tightly to those you love. After all, you’ve got a great thing going, and it’s taken a lot of effort to build the relationships you have.
When change disrupts those relationships, you’ve got some choices to make about how you respond.
You can try to ignore it or pretend it’s not happening. Try to white-knuckle your people into staying right where they are or who they are with you. It would be so much easier and much more comfortable (for you!) if they did.
But that’s risky. Because when you hold on too tightly to earlier versions of the people you love, you miss out on knowing the fullness of who they are becoming.
You can get angry or let your feelings spill out with words like, “Why would you treat me like this? Or “Why are you acting this way?”
Before you know it, you’ll find yourself on the slippery slope of guilt-tripping your people into doing things just to keep you happy. But you’re still not happy because you know they’re only doing them because you made them.
Unfortunately, when you resist change, your relationships suffer. And the very closeness you’re after becomes harder and harder to find.
There’s A Better Way to Handle Midlife Love Loss.
Learning to accept that relationships – and the people in them – naturally change over time opens you up to a new way of relating to the people you love.
You free yourself to love others not only for who you’ve known them to be but for who they are now and who they are becoming.
Everyone wants to be seen and understood and loved for who they are.
Is there any better feeling than knowing someone sees you and loves you deeply right here and now? Not for who you once were (young, perky, no wrinkles, stretch marks, or scars) but for the real-life, ever-evolving messy human who’s growing and changing right before their eyes.
Knowing that someone is cheering for your growth and sharing your joy with the passing of each accomplishment and milestone is a gift.
Giving Your Loved Ones Room to Change and Grow Will Carry Your Relationships into The Next Season.
Staying curious about who the people you love are becoming keeps your relationship fresh and growing.
So, what does that look like in real life?
With a spouse, it might mean letting go of the belief that you already know what they’re thinking. Ditch that assumption, stop believing you’re a mind-reader, and ask more questions about what they want for the future.
With an adult child, it could mean picking up the phone and calling when you haven’t heard from them for a while instead of believing that they don’t want to talk to you. Ask questions about their life and remember what they tell you so you can pray for them and follow up later.
And always remember that your role in the lives of the people you love will change and change and change again throughout the years ahead.
But, when you stay curious and open to the possibilities those changes bring, you’ll find hope for a future filled with rich and satisfying relationships, even though they look very different from the ones you once had.
4 Questions to Ask When Midlife Love Loss Comes Calling
When your heart starts longing for love lost or seasons of love past, you can begin nurturing new bonds by gently asking yourself these questions:
- “Am I giving my loved ones the gift of embracing change and celebrating growth?”
- “Am I noticing who they are today and who they are becoming?”
- “Am I holding too tightly to an earlier version of the person I love and trying to keep them there?”
- “How can I nurture our bond by looking for ways to love them here and now?”
Through midlife and beyond, you’ll continue to add chapters to the love stories of your life. And some of those chapters will fill you up with so much joy that it’s only natural to feel sad when they end.
But as the seasons come and go, you’ll discover new ways of relating and make new memories to bond over when you embrace change and celebrate growth both in yourself and in the ones you love.
God isn’t finished with you yet. It’s your time to shine.