Drunk Girls Gone Sober
Sober Dating and Drunken Antics
Have you ever wondered how your love life might change if you swapped cocktails for coffee on dates? Join us in a heartfelt and humorous journey as we swap tipsy tales for sober insights. We discuss the landscape of modern romance, from the hilarity of shoeless escapades on London Bridge to the transformative clarity that sober dating can bring.
This week's conversation isn't just about swapping spirits for sparkling water; it's packed with candid reflections on the dating game. We debate the nuanced dance of who takes the lead on a first date and why planning matters, all while weaving in tales of personal growth and the red flags we've learned to recognize. With sober tales that reveal as much about ourselves as our dates, we uncover the importance of setting boundaries, interpreting signals, and maintaining self-respect in the quest for connection.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Have you ever wondered how your love life might change if you swapped cocktails for coffee on dates? Join us in a heartfelt and humorous journey as we swap tipsy tales for sober insights. We discuss the landscape of modern romance, from the hilarity of shoeless escapades on London Bridge to the transformative clarity that sober dating can bring.
This week's conversation isn't just about swapping spirits for sparkling water; it's packed with candid reflections on the dating game. We debate the nuanced dance of who takes the lead on a first date and why planning matters, all while weaving in tales of personal growth and the red flags we've learned to recognize. With sober tales that reveal as much about ourselves as our dates, we uncover the importance of setting boundaries, interpreting signals, and maintaining self-respect in the quest for connection.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Hi guys, welcome back. We are talking about sober dating and the other side of it, some drunken stories where maybe dating hasn't gone so well when alcohol's been involved and we're going to try to give you some tips and our experiences of what makes us more comfortable and actually the positives of dating sober, because there are many.
Speaker 2:There are so many, and also maybe how to make the men more interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you also can see if you're the funny one or which is likely, yeah whereas when you're drunk I think you can entertain yourself. You know I can be. I can enjoy any situation. I can enjoy the tree yeah, exactly because I think when we're drunk we are just, we're like woo, fun easy and maybe that's why men always come crawling back what when we're drunk because we're such a good time, we're such a good time.
Speaker 1:but I have realized, like I've been on activity dates I've been on this one with this one guy- I've gone on like say not no, someone else.
Speaker 1:Four dates. And I thought it was really fun because I was going on activity dates this is a sober story, right and I thought, okay, activities because they make you loosen up, they make you a bit more comfortable. Yeah, and I thought, okay, activities because they make you loosen up, they make you a bit more comfortable. Yeah. But what I realized, actually, when the final time I saw him when there was no activity, we actually had nothing in common.
Speaker 2:What activities did he take you on? Did you not talk to?
Speaker 1:him Like ping pong, golf play pool.
Speaker 2:They're quite verbal dates.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I but I think like your dopamine levels are raised because you're having fun because you're winning because you're winning. I have to win, but you think you're having fun. But actually, yeah, apparently you can have fun with anyone, but it is a good, a good day. But basically we're going to start with tara today. Yeah, because I love to talk and I think it's only fair I so, with my adhd, I'm doing it now yeah, carly has many thoughts which then get verbalized um, it's all right, it's my five minutes of fame.
Speaker 1:Okay, sober dating. So have you been on sober dates before you quit drinking?
Speaker 2:before I quit drinking or was not in a stint of sobriety? Absolutely not.
Speaker 1:Would not have done that sober okay, so will you please tell me what your first sober date was and your experience of it?
Speaker 2:okay, so I'm thinking about it. I think my first sober date was with an estate agent who was trying to let me a flat. Okay, and I really me and the person that we were going to live together we viewed this property and we really liked this flat and it was in West London and the leasing agent, he was quite nice, and then I went back and forth with him trying to negotiate, yeah. And then until the point of the conversation where it wasn't just about negotiations anymore and I thought, ah, he's on, he wants something, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:So then I arranged a second viewing and I sat on the bed during this viewing, which he thought I was propositioning him, and he stayed 100% professional. But cut to when we're on this date and he's telling me that I was trying to proposition him, I said what are you talking about? So guys, never just lay yourselves down on a bed if you're viewing a property, because the letting agent might take it the wrong way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think I've ever done that. Tara laid on a bed. I think that is maybe.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, you sat on the bed I sat and he was in the doorway. I I guess I really scared him because he was like oh she's, she's coming on to me here. Anyway, cut to, we're in. Take him to soho house, west lond White City. I thought this is a safe place and this was in about January time, so it was during one of my first 90 days. I think.
Speaker 2:And I just have to get. I had to get buzzed off coffee and he was drinking I think it was like whiskey or something smooth and he kept offering. He was like do you want a drink? Do you want a drink? Do you want a drink and want a drink? And in my head I thought yes, yes. But then I just kept ordering lattes at 9 o'clock at night and I thought I'm never going to be able to sleep. And he tried to kiss me twice, but I was already seeing someone else so I couldn't kiss him. Did you want to kiss him? I didn't understand why I didn't work harder he didn't to be rejected a third time by me right, okay, but maybe that's you know gentlemanly boundaries as a child of trauma, there's going to be a questionable if you're trying a third time after rejection too.
Speaker 2:There's questionable morals there yeah, didn't think of that, did you? No, didn't think of that. I'm still confused by it. But that was my first sober date and it went really well and I had a lot to talk about. But then a part of me also feels like whenever I'm in a dating situation, you kind of like turn a switch on and then you become this person. Or is that just me becoming a character in a sober date, or is it just in in any kind of day, in a day, especially if I think the man is rich?
Speaker 1:okay, right, so that influences your behavior financial gain correct right, so absolutely yeah, I did.
Speaker 2:I Julia Roberts, pretty woman, my.
Speaker 1:I think I have a slightly different take on it, but yeah, have you sober dated?
Speaker 2:yeah.
Speaker 1:I have so good, I have sober dated and you know whether you drink or not drink. I really highly recommend and my life coach would also recommend your first date being a sober date, because you actually know if you like them or not. When you're drunk you are unsure, you're swayed, everything's a bit easier and actually you have to go back several times to work out you don't like them.
Speaker 2:I've never had a sober second date. That's really interesting. You said, oh, you haven't.
Speaker 1:No, okay, I have, because you assess them and you realize that you like them yes, but I've had, I've also had uh, many, many, uh, just the one sober date, never to be seen again, because there was no financial gain well, not necessarily that, but actually because I was like, oh my god, I can't go on another date with this person, but um, because they are boring?
Speaker 1:yeah, not even the boring it actually do. You know what it is? I think it's the chemistry or the connection, and you need good talk. You need good chat, right, yeah, and you want to be made to laugh? Laughing's like my number one thing, you like my top so it's been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. I used to wear a top to work which, um, I now use as a pajama top because it's so immature. I mean, you'll know, you'll understand my personality if you know who I am. But I used to wear this t-shirt when I was really pissed off on days at work, which said there's a 99 chance, I don't care, just passive aggressiveness, you know I've got a top that says um, I guess this is goodbye, and every time I've worn it I've broken up with a boy the next day.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, you've sent me a picture of this top.
Speaker 2:That that was on the last shot on purpose. You've worn it on purpose I think it was a subconscious conscious decision to buy it and then execute the idea. Okay, don't let fashion dictate your love lives, guys, or your working attitude um.
Speaker 1:Back to the sober dating. How, what, how do you get comfortable on your first sober date?
Speaker 2:so I definitely need to a drink of coffee beforehand.
Speaker 1:I need to feel buzzed on yeah, no, I get that, I get that.
Speaker 2:I definitely need like a pre-drinking of something. I'm just trying to think back because I actually haven't, sober, dated someone new in a while, in a really long time. Yeah, and maybe that's part of my sobriety, maybe I'm scared, maybe, maybe we'll look at.
Speaker 1:Look at this.
Speaker 2:We're in the therapy lounge today um, I also feel like I need to put them on the back foot and I need to be more in control and make them scared of. I don't want to intimidate a man, but I want. But you do love a game. Oh, jumanji, monopoly, all of them.
Speaker 1:All of them. Oh, tara, you are so funny. Can I ask you a question? So when the thing is with me, I have a coffee to get buzzed, but if I have two it actually makes me want to drink alcohol. Does that happen to you?
Speaker 2:Well, men in general want to make me drink alcohol.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, that is hard, it is hard.
Speaker 2:Especially if I feel like the date is going really well or no, it's just more situation rather than like like a coffee or other drink triggers for me. I'd say but is that because you get really excited and that's an ADHD thing?
Speaker 1:No, so actually coffee. If you're having like a manic ADHD moment, if you have a coffee it neutralizes you. But I think if I'm calm and I have a coffee, you get the high, I get high, and and there is a trigger somewhere in it which is like, oh god, I think it actually causes a bit of anxiety after two caffeine absolutely and then I'm like, oh my god, I need a drink to calm myself down.
Speaker 1:But obviously, when you are on a sober date, which if you're drinking, if you're drinking anyway, but you want to try a sober date just because it's more beneficial to meet someone who you actually like, I just recommend a daytime date.
Speaker 2:What's the best sober date you've been on? I feel the same. I can't answer yeah.
Speaker 1:I, I actually think I like. I do like an activity day at first because it breaks down barriers, of unease.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's almost like a team building exercise so I and then and then I can relax a bit, whereas I think when you're sat down in your first day it becomes a bit stiff, so I need to relax into it. But actually that's the same as going out. I have the same feeling as going out into a drunk social situation, like a wrap party or a big birthday and everyone's drunk. And now I know I just need to take my time with my feelings of easing in, because people will make you feel comfortable and if you're talking to someone on a date, um, I just I'm asking the questions that I really want to ask them to find out whether or not, first of all, we match, like we have the same goals and how do you feel about this, carly?
Speaker 2:I could probably tell within the first 30 seconds if I like someone or not, and maybe that worries me, that now I think, oh, I have to stay here for at least half an hour, an hour to be polite, when I know I don't like you. So drinking would have made it easier oh my god.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I've stayed on so many dates because I've had drinks and really not liked someone yeah, because.
Speaker 1:I've gone. Oh my god, I have to drink through this because I'm trying to be polite and you can't just cancel the date because you're already there, and actually there is a hindrance with that. If they've planned an activity date, you are more inclined to do it, even if you don't like them, yeah, whereas if you're sitting down and actually talking, which is now my preference, sit down, have a like I, yeah, I like going to bars, I like the atmosphere and I'll have a non-alcoholic beer, which does is my tip for dating. Sober, yes, and you know, ask the questions that you want that you make sure you're on the same page. Loads of my friends, I don't know. If you do this, I'll ask you, yeah, so lots of my friends.
Speaker 2:I lots of my friends.
Speaker 1:I'm like, well, have you asked what they're looking for? Never, okay, I assume that I am. You assume, yeah, so assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. And that is a great quote I learned from one of my friends and it's so true, and every time I make an assumption it is the mother of all fuck-ups. But I have friends that won't even ask what the person's looking for and they're like three months in and I'm like what, what?
Speaker 2:are you?
Speaker 1:doing so. My um, my dating dues are like first of all, let's make sure we're on the page, on the same page. I'm looking for relationship, are they? Yeah? And the second is for me I want children. Do they? If they have children, do they want more?
Speaker 2:what if you don't know what you want? That's okay, you can want more. What if you don't know what?
Speaker 1:you want, that's okay. You can also just say that you don't know what you want yet, but it's, and then see if that person is okay with it or vice versa I would rather a bottle of wine well, I know you'd rather a bottle of wine, but we're talking about the same of the dates. Should we, should we, um, should we talk about one of your drunk dates? Like, give us an example of one of your worst drunk dates.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when I was younger and liked to go out on the razzle dazzle and find financially stable old men which completely played into my daddy issues.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I found one and I actually can't remember where I found him, yeah, but I walked into the bar to meet him and I walked past someone that looked really familiar and I was like, oh, is that him? Cannot be him? He's already sat at the bar talking to another woman.
Speaker 2:He's already on a date all right okay so he booked himself back to back like but you, knew what he looked like yeah, I was like that's him oh my god he was already on a date with another woman when I arrived there, so he booked himself back to back dates that is such an ick yeah but that's never happened to me before, yeah, ever. I was like okay, it's fine, I'm in my early 20s, he's in his late 40s. This is never going to be a thing. Anyway, just give me a bit of money, hush money, hush money, and I will not bribe you, I promise. Anyway, he sat there, spoke about himself all night. I was so bored, I just drank, drank, drank, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:To the point where, when we left the restaurant, I took my shoes off and I said here, please hold these, my shoes. And I just skipped down London Bridge and.
Speaker 1:I left them. Okay, you just left him with your shoes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, then I got out of breath, Zara. I got out of breath so I had to stop. And then he caught up with me, gave me my shoes, and I don't think I saw him again after that. He gave you your shoes Back. Yeah, I was so bored with him that you gave him your shoes and skipped and left him. I darted down London Bridge Really drunk.
Speaker 1:Really drunk, Like off you go Ta-ta.
Speaker 2:Two doors and then. So that was one drunk day and then another one. I met this guy who I think looks like adam sandler, but he wasn't as funny as adam sandler and he lived in a penthouse overlooking one of the squares in london, like he owned the whole building. I was like, oh, again, financial stability. I was like, and also, maybe this is less than that. Money can't buy you happiness, because all these guys are terrible, terrible humans. Anyway, I turned up. He sent the car to come and get me from my house right to drive me into. He sent the car. He sent the car. Okay, I like that, I love that. I was like oh, this is how I should be traced all the time. Absolutely, I get in this car. Um, mom's gonna be listening to this and thinking you are going to be sex trafficked sorry, lisa yeah, sorry, mom.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but this is, this is past, this is, this is drunk. Tara, this is drunk, but I was sober to get into the stranger's car. Anyway, he told me I've sent a car for you. Expect it this time, xyz, get in the car. And I was like, wow, I should be treated like this on every day. Pull up to this mansion block of flats and go up to the penthouse. He meets me in the lobby, takes me up to the penthouse and then he's just such a full, full of himself.
Speaker 2:Oh I hate, arrogance and a really nasty human being. Or he spent the whole evening slagging off a pregnant employee. Oh, wow, and then I said oh wow, man. And then I said to him I was like why can't?
Speaker 2:we just let it go anyway. So I thought I can't turn up to like to this guy's place empty-handed, so I bought him my favorite drink at the time and it was the diserano in the white bottle. Yep, and it cost me like however much at the time. And then when I got there he goes oh, I don't drink. And I thought why, did you buy him the Disarano because I thought that's really that's what I'd want to drink oh, you brought yourself a drink.
Speaker 1:I bought myself a drink, but well, you know what he didn't drink.
Speaker 2:So what more for you? Yeah, I did, and then I got so drunk I went into his toilet and his toilet was like a japanese toilet with like 100 high-tech I couldn't work it out. Oh and then I think I got a bit wibbly wobbly and he sent and then the car took me home. Never heard from him again. I thought what an evil man so that was another fact.
Speaker 2:You know what great funny story great funny story that I was in a penthouse in london but the man it looked like a showroom. All right, okay, I didn't like it. He ordered rocker room, which was but was it a bachelor pad?
Speaker 1:essentially it was cold.
Speaker 2:Yeah, bachelor yeah, bachelor yeah oh my gosh and he wasn't as funny as adam Sandler. He just spent the whole night bitching about someone else. Like you're not interesting.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to think of a drunken date that I went on. That was oh, do you know what? He was telling me this earlier when I went I hate. So everyone needs Dutch courage, I think, which is why a lot of people drink before the date. Right, so I had this date and I went through this phase where I literally was forcing myself to go on the dates for courage, because I was like this is ridiculous. You can't be afraid of a person. No, you can't.
Speaker 1:So I went on this date with this guy who was good looking and I met him at a pub and I was drinking and, good god, he was depressed, he, he sat there and for two hours again, the curse of politeness yeah, just drink your way through it. He literally just spoke about his ex-girlfriend and his and his situation and how he they'd had they had like newborn children and he was not allowed to see them. And I basically became the therapist in this role on a date and anyway he should have invoiced him because I dated, I went, I went near my house because I think first dates are comfortable for the girl to be closer to their home.
Speaker 2:Don't leave your postcode.
Speaker 1:It's not worth it. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, he insisted on walking me home. And then the classic, and I don't know if everyone has this, but you get that thing where you feel obliged to kiss them because they're looking at you and you need them to leave, and you're like, oh my God, I don't know what to do. So I full on kiss this guy, give them what they want, yeah, yep. And then I literally walked to my door like, closed my door and immediately sent a text message saying, yeah, I don't think this is gonna work out he must have been heartbroken.
Speaker 2:Never replied I would never have kissed a girl again.
Speaker 1:Never replied, but um, from that like, I think learning to go on sober dates is such an important thing for yourself and again, yes, for your self-worth, your respect, your, for your confidence. It's no different than I always now think. Well, I speak to a million people that I work with because I sit in my chair, yeah. So now let's just do that like play the role and you work out who you actually like and yeah, exactly, and who you're actually attracted to, and not just and your ex that you didn't realize attracted to sorry, interrupted to wine.
Speaker 2:Attracted, that's all I wanted to say.
Speaker 1:Wine attracted, yeah yeah, wine attracted is very different to sober attracted and often it takes us like what several dates to go on a sober date? Like, how many dates in will you go on a sober date if you're drinking?
Speaker 2:with the guy yeah, oh, I wouldn't yeah, I was. I remember so many of my friends would not do that no, I was seeing a guy who didn't drink himself and I would always drink as in. I would go whenever I used to stay at his. I used to bring a bottle of wine round for me every time and he wouldn't drink, and he would never drink.
Speaker 1:I dated someone who was sober and I was like what the hell? But he would buy me a bottle of wine when I would stay over yeah, let me drink.
Speaker 1:The men would support it yeah, because I think they're like, well, let's just make them comfortable. But it's taken me a long time to realize that, again, that's not helping me. That's just keeping me coming back. You're whining me for the wrong reason. If you feel like you can't be comfortable I don't know if you feel like that if you, if you feel like you can't be comfortable without a drink, I feel like there's probably an issue there with with you and said person.
Speaker 2:I find that and if say, if you feel the same, I find that a lot of people that, like I said last time, very boring, especially dating. Yeah, you're, you really have to interest me, you really have to bring something to the table, and I know that sounds intimidating and not men don't want to hear oh, what you bring to the table, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:But you really do you also you need to actually know that you like this person, that there's a level of conversation that you can have right. Can you please give us some tips of what you would do for your first date, sober?
Speaker 2:My first date To make the listeners Sober comfortable. I would definitely do a bar setting. Yeah, if you can. Yeah, I like a bar setting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you can. Yeah, I like a bar setting, soba or maybe like a speakeasy, a jazz club.
Speaker 2:I love those Dim lighting. So not a super boozy place, but somewhere kind of sexy so you get the vibe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but question again.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Do you want to plan that, or do you want him to plan the first thing? Yeah, do you want to plan that? Or we, do you want him to plan the first?
Speaker 1:I want him to plan that and do you think right, yeah, do you get a, a red flag on someone, or green flag from before you even met them, if based on whether or not they're going to book the first date for where you're going um huge red flag if they say, if they kind of ask you what you want to do, I love a man with a plan.
Speaker 2:Same women are looking for providers. They're looking for men who can make them feel safe and secure. So yeah, so if you can't sort out your own shit, and you can't sort out a date that? What's that telling me? You're not going to sort out my future exactly the same.
Speaker 1:I find it a huge turn off if someone a has asked me on a date which I've had I've had, um, not too long ago but ask me on a date and then like in advance and then gone like two hours before I've gone. Okay, where are we meeting? Oh, I don't know, haven't planned anywhere.
Speaker 2:I'm out. I'm out in the bit.
Speaker 1:I'm like you can't even make the effort. You won't ask me up but you can't make the effort to plan where we're going. Please don't bother, I'm good.
Speaker 2:I think met like men have do not invest anymore yeah, and if they're not willing to invest, they're not. For me personally no, and what I've realized not drinking, is that my standards and my um tolerance has and my tolerance has become. My tolerance has become less, but my standards have become higher.
Speaker 1:Same.
Speaker 2:So whereas before, when I was drinking and I'd let men guess away with shit that we're talking about, like that, we saying ick red flag, we don't like that, we don't do that they could guess away with murder.
Speaker 1:Yeah, same. And with with the drinking again, you're meeting for a drink somewhere. I've actually have a friend who prefers to pick the place, so it's dark, and she likes to get there first so she can have some drinks, so she's comfortable enough to be in on the date and I'm like, why don't you let them pick? No, no, I need a dark corner, but she's beautiful and she I don't know why, but that is how she has to do her first date, whereas. So, after I did my life coaching course last year, um, I went on. I you know the biggest advice is to go on a daytime coffee date and as scary as that is and you don't want to go, you'll learn so much about yourself and actually your likes in that person. I've done a coffee date too yeah, coffee war yeah, lockdown coffee dates were like a thing.
Speaker 1:That's when I think a lot of people did them.
Speaker 2:I was still messing around with an alcoholic which says it all got yeah, okay, yeah, I was seeing someone actually, yeah um, terrible guy. Um, I did a coffee date with someone who was sober and lived so locally to me and he said why don't we do a coffee date? And we actually got on really well. I appreciate that as well, do you, I do, and I actually I take it back. There was a second day yeah, and a third day.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, I completely forgot about that. Okay, talk to me. Okay, so he lived locally and he doesn't drink, because I think he's actually allergic to drinking.
Speaker 1:So me too. I'm allergic to white spirits. Just so the world knows like I'm actually damaged inside. Back to you don't let Carly have white spirit if you're thinking, because you've listened to this podcast, you're going to ask me out don't, don't, yeah, but also just don't tell me with alcohol and please plan the first date continue and send money.
Speaker 2:Um, we went on. We walked around the lakes near my house and that was really nice. And then I remember I was on a job and we were talking about the second date and I said, oh, I'd really love to be taken to the zoo. So he took me to the zoo.
Speaker 1:Well, that's nice. I don't like the zoo. Personally, I don't believe animals should live in cages. They shouldn't, and they were all tranquilized. They look so sad. They look so sad, it's sad, they look so sad. Um, and then the third date. I actually hang on. The second date you went to the zoo, the animals were sad, but how?
Speaker 2:did your date go? Date went really well because then there was a third day and I think he, because he lives so locally, he cooked me dinner or something that's nice and then, um, he was meant to take delivery.
Speaker 2:I was because we work and I was like I need someone to take delivery of my new bed because it's a huge bed work, and I was like I need someone to take delivery of my new bed because it's a huge bed frame. And I was like, perfect, he works from home. He lives a minute away. I was like there's a reason why I'm dating him. He can just come to my house, I'll leave the key out for him and he can take delivery of the bed please stop a.
Speaker 1:You cannot leave your key out.
Speaker 2:For people it is not, I don't do that anymore.
Speaker 1:On the third date actually. Yeah, you don't do that anymore and just would you like to do a disclaimer there that that is a thing that you did?
Speaker 2:lots of people have my key at one point, like lots of people and strangers like to turn up at my door oh yeah, you had that recently, didn't you?
Speaker 1:yeah, you want to talk about that or not, not, really, yeah, I can talk about that yeah it's just a a ghost from christmas past yeah from as in two years ago.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just had a knock, knock, knock on my door the other day yeah had not seen this man for maybe two years, hadn't spoken to him for about 18 months. This is ballsy I hadn't replied to him for 18 months. Anyway, I get a knock, knock, knock on the door. Hi, Tara, I'm working around the corner. I had to pop out. I was at the shops nearby. I just thought I'd give it a shot if you're in. I said, what if I'd moved? He goes. But at least I tried.
Speaker 1:And this person has sent you messages over a year and you've not replied over a year and you've not replied.
Speaker 2:They were talking to themselves. It's not advisable to do that, men. No, and I had another man drive from south london to outside outer london, um, where I live, um, to drop flowers off of my door, leave them on the doorstep, knock, knock, knock, then run away, knock, knock, run away, knock, knock, knock run away like he wasn't gonna get to his car before I opened the door and I said what are you doing here?
Speaker 1:you've got some sort of magnetic energy. I'll tell you that which I do know about you. You have a gift thank you. I don't think it's so strong anymore oh, it is, I choose not to enable not. Yeah, you're not enabling it currently.
Speaker 2:How arranged is it? Not a guy? Yeah, but I also think the men I choose. Uh, there's a reason why I choose them right. So you know this about yourself you've got more self-awareness, self-awareness um, and a lot of times when I was with these men that just like to turn up at my doorstep, um, drunk, so I would never have been with them if I'd been sober. Sorry to say that that's fine we're.
Speaker 1:We are so honest on this podcast, which is what I love about tara rawly honest, um love it absolutely love it get so much great feedback. And this is tara. This is just who you are, but I think these men are going to listen who cares listen listen, pay attention um.
Speaker 2:Take note, I've been sober dating, yes, since last year and how's your experience been with it? Um?
Speaker 1:so I've had. I basically, when I first started sober dating last year, I had a string of terrible first dates, terrible first dates.
Speaker 2:Did that dishearten you slightly oh.
Speaker 1:I stopped dating for like four months. I was like, fuck this, I'm actually not interested, you can all fuck off. Literally I went on like again and guys, if you get the gut instinct, like we just said, if the guy's not planning the date, it's actually already showing you who that person is. And I had this guy who was talking to me for ages and kept talking about the date and then I'm like, okay, where are we meeting? Because we'd set the day and the time. Oh, I don't really know that area. You don't know Covent Garden. Do you know what does?
Speaker 2:Google know Covent garden. This is what I said, tara, yeah google is fantastic for that.
Speaker 1:You know, if you actually want to book somewhere, um, oh, I don't know like where, what, where's gonna be good? And I was like, oh my god, and you know, for my own convenience, yeah, I booked one of the houses because, yeah, I'm comfortable there, yeah, I'm a member, it's my safety zone, yes, and I thought, fucking hell, I'll go anyway. The guy, oh my god, he did not listen at all, not interested. Oh, and talk again, talking at me, not asking me any questions, huge, red red flags when questions are not asked yeah, told me a questionable story about an ex-girlfriend being psycho.
Speaker 1:If you mention your ex-girlfriends and you're going to slag them off, you've already got an ex.
Speaker 2:Don't do it to another woman Anyway you know it was a flat date.
Speaker 1:And I was like, oh my God, but do you know what? At least I went for dating practice. And then, guess what? We get to the tube. And he's like I'd love a second date. And I said, oh, also, he was 30 minutes late to this date. No, I was fuming. I actually was on my way out when he walked in and I thought, oh fuck's sake, fine, walked into one instead, so did the date. And then he's like, look, I'm really sorry, I was late and I didn't sort anything out. I'd like to see you again. And I was like, okay, fine, if you actually sort it out and you're on time. Cut to trust your instincts, people, the tubes had shut down.
Speaker 1:Laughter it's a no and do you know how I feel about public transport? Because it scares me ubers, because just for safety reasons, I'm not like I used to get the. I used to get the night bus all the time in london, but it's not my preference anymore and the night bus would be hammered anyway. My flatmates used to like I'd ring them and say I'd fallen asleep and gone way past the stop and they would safely get me home and I love them. So thank you, matthew and liz. Um, but didn't work. I got the tube stopped. It suspended itself at was he with you?
Speaker 1:no, he's gone the other way, thank god, thank god, anyway, it's gone the other way. And I had to get off at bank and I was like, no, is it bank? What's the one next to oxford street? The one after? Is it regent? The one after Regent Street? No, that's not a tube, that's not even a tube. Stop Tara. Anyway, one of those tubes.
Speaker 1:I was still in Oxford. Street. Yeah, and it was fucking way gone midnight and I could not get a taxi. My phone decided to fail me. I kept saying error, error, error. I had to get home.
Speaker 2:I had to get on a bus, so I got on this packed bus with absolutely trashed people. The last time I was on a night bus it was coming home from like Camden when I was about 20 21 yeah, well, I don't.
Speaker 1:I mean, obviously it's not my preference, but I am still grateful for the public transport system, but I don't feel safe, especially at night time on public transport on a weekend with drunk people. Anyway, I got this bus but I didn't understand where my stop was, because I've never got it before to my new house and I was like, oh my god, watching the stop, so I did it on my google maps. Yeah, I was, like it says I'm coming up to the station that I would usually get off at. So ding the bell.
Speaker 1:And off I get no, no, no. Got off 25 minutes from my house and then loads of drunk people were on the streets like guys you know, walking up to me and I was like oh no, no, no that is character building. I ran into this pub and was like and he was like we're closed. I went, please, please, let me stay here. It's not safe. And the security was like, okay. So I think, fuck, I booked myself an uber and then it actually just took me five minutes.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh my god, this is awful. So so the moral of the story is my instinct was to not go on this date because of all the red flags that were showing. I still went, despite my instincts, and it was still awful but also another moral of the story.
Speaker 2:When you are drunk, you've put yourself in a situation where you necessarily couldn't get home and you felt unsafe. How many times have I think I should have been sex trafficked, kidnapped so many times?
Speaker 1:I just don't think you should put that out into the universe, but actually, yeah, okay, when you're drunk, I and and realizing, on that journey I learned a lot because I thought, fucking hell, I've put myself in some right situations in my 20s. Getting on a night bus home, no, but it is. I once had this guy sit by me on the night bus and I was like I'm very like, I don't really talk to people most people know this and you're very friendly, yeah and a lot of people are friendly.
Speaker 1:I'm not friendly, but this guy did sit next to me and he was all chatting. He was nice and he's like, oh what, you're listening to listen to this. So plugged my headphones into his phone. I was listening to his music and he was like, okay, cool, see you. Later he took my headphones yeah, people trick me left right and center, you know and that's what I mean.
Speaker 1:I don't trust people, so why did you give him your headphones? I don't know. He wanted me to hear the music that he was playing, and he was. I was drunk as well, so I thought it was a really good idea. And then he was like, okay, see you later. And then you know me and my adhd, so belongings aren't really a thing oh that's object, object permanence.
Speaker 1:I have, yes, which is just standard for me. And off, he went with my headphones and I was like, cool, it's another lesson learned. Tick, that's money down the drain. Yeah, that's money down the drain. But the good things I've learned from sober dating which takes a while, but all these first dates do are good experience to stop dating and go actually fuck you all.
Speaker 1:But secondly, learn what you do and don't like and what you want and don't want from a person. And if your instinct is on that first date, oh god, you know what I don't like. You just be honest about it. Don't ghost, just send the text and say, yeah, this isn't for me. I've actually had some people really react badly to that. What, being honest, yeah, me going. Look, I had, and I've put it politely, I've had a really nice time, but I don't think there's an attraction there for me. And I've had someone reply to me going are you saying I'm unattractive? I don't understand. That's their insecurity. Yeah, yeah, I don't understand. We got on so well. I don't want to let this go. And I was like, honestly, it's just one date, like yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't want to go on a second date.
Speaker 2:Yeah and huge red flag huge, but also don't. You're scaring me, stop it it's a scary place out there cool man, yeah, um, I can't ever send those texts being like I'm sorry I didn't, you don't know. I like having a fan club and I was discussing this with my dad recently. It's a toxic trait, it's not good.
Speaker 1:The thing is, I love that you and I have such different opinions on a lot of things. So you love a fan club. I can't wait to get rid of them.
Speaker 2:Even if I don't like them. I like having a fan club and that's not nice and that's not kind. But I've become nicer and kinder in my sobriety. Imagine what I was like when I was drinking.
Speaker 1:Well, I've been your friend for quite a long time, I'm aware.
Speaker 2:But you're not a man.
Speaker 1:I'm not a man, but I've seen what you do to them they melt in puddles.
Speaker 2:I said to the stalker guy when he turned up at my door the other day he's going to be listening to this too. Um, I said, like, have I done like some voodoo or something? And he goes I don't know, have you been stabbing needles into a doll? I said I don't know. Does your arm feel weird? Does your leg feel weird? Does your head feel weird?
Speaker 1:and she looked at me big eyes and then he stood on my doorstep and I said it's, I think you need to go now yeah I think that's that's well done, though you could I mean, I don't know what I do- he wanted to come in and you know you talked about the pressure of like just doing what the line is, yeah yeah, I said no, so should we just do this on the doorstep? Then I said yes because I didn't invite you here yeah, why would I want you in my house?
Speaker 2:this is the other thing, people they also.
Speaker 1:You can, like people can manipulate you into thinking that you did something to invite them there, and you have to go through your mind very quickly, thinking what? Have I done to entice you here, because I have it.
Speaker 2:I know I haven't just apart from being a great person, yeah apart from just being who I am blessed and highly favored, blessed and highly favored.
Speaker 1:So what would you say? Your tips for sober dating are, I would actually genuinely say, the tip there are. So actually, there's a good catch. Good catch. Should we start that again?
Speaker 2:Yeah, carly, go on, carly. What are your tips for sober dating?
Speaker 1:go on, carly. Yeah, what are your tips for sober dating? Really good sober dates are, I'd say, sitting down somewhere and going going on a coffee date. Keep it short, an hour and even, if you like them, just keep it that hour because you can arrange the next day can I add on to that?
Speaker 2:exactly that point to make it less intimidating if you are instead of face to face? Yeah, side by side, like walking with a coffee or in a car. Obviously don't let them abduct you, but the broken eye contact makes it less intimidating if you are struggling without having a tipple yeah, also we were doing this the other day.
Speaker 1:Right, we were just staring at each other and I said to Tara do you? Know where I'm looking and I was looking. If you, if you're a bit nervous about eye contact, right, if you look in the middle of someone's eyes, like eyebrows in the middle of their eyebrows, yeah, you genuinely look like you're giving them eye contact.
Speaker 2:But are you not looking into my eyes? No, I'm not looking into your eyes. It looks like you're looking into my eyes. No, I'm not looking into your eyes, am.
Speaker 1:I looking into your eyes. It looks like you're looking into my eyes.
Speaker 2:It's a great trick.
Speaker 1:But it does make you a bit more confident. On that, I find it a bit weird to sit next to someone on a date. I prefer to sit opposite. However walking dates actually give you an activity and something to hold which helps with like nerves. Yes, and I do think there are like going to, uh say, art exhibitions or museum or a walk. You've got something else as well to focus on if you are nervous, to settle your nerves. Um, and don't drink too much coffee, if you get anxiety.
Speaker 2:You do not want to be running to the toilet every five seconds and it might heighten your anxiety.
Speaker 1:So I just like for me, I I don't drink, so I either have decaf coffee or, if I'm on a night date and I've gone to a pub, I love a non-alcoholic beer some people can do it, some people don't or non-alcoholic drinks genuinely make me feel like I'm having a drink and I feel quite social with it. So it does. It is one of my um tips for being a bit more comfortable in a dating situation. But keep it short. Keep your first date short, yeah. Leave them wanting more, yeah, and you just don't feel pressured. I literally do it, telling everyone what it's now. Um, I do like an hour to max if I'm enjoying the person's company.
Speaker 1:And usually it's on a work day anyway and I have to get up, so I must go. Goodbye, I have to have eight hours and 15 minutes sleep have to. Before we leave, would you like to tell us your worst drunk story?
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, it wasn't necessarily a date date, but I was seeing a guy. Yeah, he was staying over. It's a date. Yeah, we were dating. Yeah, but it wasn't like a new day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, um, I was trying to.
Speaker 2:So he'd already gone to bed. I'd pissed him off so much because I was giving it the big I am, yeah, when I drunk. So he'd already gone to bed. I then was so pissed off at him. I went into my bedroom and I set Alexa the alarm on Alexa to go off every two minutes at like three o'clock in the morning to wake him up. So that happened, dara, yeah, so that happened.
Speaker 2:And then I turned the lights on and he was pretending to sleep and that didn't work. But when I turned the lights on, I saw there was a moth flying around in the room. I was like I really hate things with wings, just can't trust them. So I was like I must catch this moth. Anyway, I stood over him in bed, literally stood over him, about to grab this moth. I slipped and my knee went into his jaw, so I drop knee, kicked him, or whatever it's called. He passed out unconscious, rolled out of bed. You can't make this up. I, I didn't want it to happen. Yes, it did. So I was there slapping him, saying, come on, wake up now. I was very calm. So I was there slapping him and saying, come on, wake up now. I was very calm because I was like, look, he's either going to be in a bad situation I'm going to either call 999 or he's going to wake up. So I surrendered to the fact that I'd fucked it. Basically, great Love, that Completely surrendered.
Speaker 2:Anyway, slapping him, slapping him, I'm going to say, come, slapping him, slapping him, I'm gonna say, come on, now I'm gonna call 999 you don't want that slapping him, slapping him, and eventually he came around and I was like oh really I was like that could have gone so badly I love you so much. He was fine. I'm glad he was fine. He broke my lamp afterwards in rage, in rage, all right. We don't tolerate violence, by the way. We don't, and that's why it didn't work out. He'd claim otherwise.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm proud of you for walking away from that situation. Thank you, and I'd also, because you've said that can.
Speaker 1:I just say as our leaving advice, mine personally, is guys, don't feel pressured, women and men don't feel pressured to to think there's a like the three date rule or anything like that, because what I found out with sober dating is you take as long as you like and I I will. Basically I will not do anything that makes me uncomfortable at all and I I want to. I think it takes a lot more time to get to know someone properly. If you're sober and if you think about it like two hours and then two hours and then two hours, you've known someone for six hours. You do not need, you do not need to feel obligated to do anything that you don't want to do. No, and you know it can take you 10 dates and that's fine, but if you get to 10 dates, it's probably a very good sign that you're both on the same page and there's something in this and usually you just value yourself so much more so much more that you want to give yourself that much more time, and you are the gift.
Speaker 1:You are the prize, we are the prize. But anyway, you've heard us ramble for enough today. We hoped you liked the episode. If you could just do us a huge favor of clicking the follow button, we'd really appreciate it, because it helps us to get our podcast out there more so we can help more people who are sober curious. Yeah, so thanks, guys, we will see you next week. Bye.