Drunk Girls Gone Sober
Self Worth and The Big Red Button pt 1
Have you ever caught yourself in the mirror and pondered whether the reflection staring back was truly yours? We sure have, and it's led us down the rabbit hole of understanding self-worth and the coping mechanisms we often employ. In a blend of humor and raw honesty, we traverse the peaks and valleys of our individual paths to sobriety. More than just personal narratives, we unpack how breakups and life's stressors baited us into substance use, and how we emerged with stronger resilience and healthier strategies to handle emotional pain.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Have you ever caught yourself in the mirror and pondered whether the reflection staring back was truly yours? We sure have, and it's led us down the rabbit hole of understanding self-worth and the coping mechanisms we often employ. In a blend of humor and raw honesty, we traverse the peaks and valleys of our individual paths to sobriety. More than just personal narratives, we unpack how breakups and life's stressors baited us into substance use, and how we emerged with stronger resilience and healthier strategies to handle emotional pain.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Hi Tara, hi Carly, we're both wearing green. Green is the colour of growth, green is the colour of growth. I love that. And today we're talking about self-worth, self-image, how drinking impacts that and how sobriety has. Loved walking so much in my life, had the nicest walk today in the cotswolds um, took my brother's dog, went for a walk with my auntie and very nice, that's how I started my morning. Such a nice thing to do. I wandered around the gym looking like I didn't have a clue, and I did not have a clue. Were you just wondering? Just wondering where to go, checking out the scenery? Oh yeah, how was the scenery? Could have been better. Probably because they're drunk, though.
Speaker 1:Well, I was talking to someone on Bumble this morning, and Also the context of that being it's bank holiday, not a Monday, and they're drunk, correct? And I was talking to someone on bumble, and I was up very early, not because I have been out, just because I wake up early now and I'm living me too. I got up at seven today, half past six. Well done, high five because we're living better lives. And I went to bed at half eight, though Different different things to do. I took a magnesium. I knocked myself out. I couldn't tell you what time I went to bed. Oh, okay, I drugged myself, but naturally, naturally drugged herself.
Speaker 1:And then the guy was like I was really impressed that I was talking to him at half past seven. He goes. Well, I'm just coming home. That says enough. Oh, oh, do you know what? That's not attractive to me anymore? No, it's not. Look at us on our high horses. Well, it's because it's. I know it's a different path. Like you said, we don't align anymore. I'm not going to pick someone that goes out constantly, is still in that phase of life, going out, yeah, because I can't do it with them. Yeah, well, I don't want to. Different. There you go. As of this week. It's different. Yeah, you're having a bad week, but this too shall pass. This too shall pass. But we talk about this often and we're not perfect. We're human and the human experience is a tricky one to navigate. Yeah, it's just picking up the pieces, which is hard sometimes. It's hard. Yeah, some weeks are harder than others.
Speaker 1:By the way, I went through a breakup, everyone. Okay, how are you feeling in the crappy stage? Rubbish, but it comes in waves. I'm not a surfer. I don't want to be in the ocean. I don't want to be feeling it. Oh same, I hate the waves. Hate the waves, um, but I will be fine and I'll get over it and then we can talk about how it made me want to drink and do drugs actually. On that. No, because when I had a breakup last year it made me want to drink and do drugs actually. On that. No, because when I had a breakup last year it made me.
Speaker 1:It almost squashes your self-worth because of the pain. It's almost like I I think about it like you know, when you people go and they crush the cars, yeah, because you're all good, you're all good, you're all whole, and then the're all whole, and then this big weight-bearing metal thing comes down and crushes you into a tiny cube and you feel like a tiny and you feel like shit. I just feel like I don't feel crushed, I feel like the car's been robbed, right, it's been taken away. It's been taken away, so, been taken away, so you're a crushed car and I've been a robbed car. Yeah, great, good analogies.
Speaker 1:So, going back to our topic of the day, which is self-worth, we wanted to talk about, um, actual triggers of drinking and, a lot of the time, how we both discussed this earlier. We drink when we feel pain, would you say. That's right. Yeah, well, why don't we first talk about how did we perceive, like, perceive ourselves when we were drinking? Were you aware of how much you're basically bustering your body because that's what I was doing? No, I was not. I was just doing it having a great freaking time. I thought I was having a great time until I was sober and, oh, actually probably till towards the end of drinking.
Speaker 1:And then when you start to notice what you're doing to yourself and it's not fun anymore and the ride stops being fun and you want to get off. So that is basically what happened to me. I started to feel worse and worse. But I think my self-worth was low.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, for instance, last year, going through a breakup, I would drink because you want to numb the pain, you want it all to be good, but obviously it's way worse the next day. And also, was that relationship a boozy relationship? No, the person didn't even drink, so it was just me drinking. Yeah, like the relationship was fine in itself, but I would drink. He wouldn't. It was never. I was never over drinking. Yeah, with him. No, so he wasn't like encouraging bad things, no, but also wasn't opposed to it, wouldn't tell me to not drink, which was fine.
Speaker 1:But it was actually the aftermath of that, when you're like what's left, so your heart pain is the equivalent to a broken bone physically, and that is how you feel. Oh, my God, and there's. There's no cost you can put on it. There's no. Yeah, you might want to drink and do drugs. That doesn't help. No, I think it helps. There's no way of fixing it. It helps for about an hour or two or you know, for that evening.
Speaker 1:But actually, as we know I've said this before I'm a crier, so what it does for me, I don't often sober cry. I find it very difficult to cry sober. So it would release a valve. A pressure valve would then explode on the night out, which is supposed to be really fun for everyone, and then it's not fun for anyone. No, bring the tears. The river comes and everyone has to be involved. Yeah, and obviously that's not a great time for you, that's not a great time for anyone else. Um, and then? How? So?
Speaker 1:How did that leave you feeling, even when you're in your drinking stage? Oh, horrendous, even the next day, not while you were drinking. Worse, you're way worse. You know when you you've cried and you feel you've released stuff, but I think if you're drinking and you've cried the next day with the hangover, oh my god, oh god, the headache, the, the headache, the shame, the embarrassment, dehydration, no tears left in your body, it's just all. And they wake up with the most swollen eyes in the world like you've been beaten up. It's horrible. It's a horrible pain. So I would highly recommend a different outlet.
Speaker 1:If you're suffering through something like that, watch the saddest film you can possibly find. Cry it out. No, that's awful. I was watching vampire diaries yesterday and elena.
Speaker 1:No, I mean, if you want it to come out, oh, right, yes, because I get mine often is trapped and it will not come out. Yeah, mine's trapped deep, deep down and it takes me ages to actually just work out what the feeling is and and well, I don't know. I think it's a natural thing, as you learn, as you grow up, to repress those feelings. Yeah, no, that's just trauma, right? Yeah, it's not natural, that's just a coping mechanism. Yeah, yeah. So you work out coping mechanisms, which they say you work out from when you're a baby, childhood. Yeah, for people coming if you cry or people not coming, and I wouldn't say that that actually happened to me.
Speaker 1:I think I was taken care of, all my needs were taken care of, but somehow throughout my life I've been built to put up a whole big barrier of being strong. So then it actually puts a valve on it and it can't come out Until it does. But it would only come out if I drink. So I drink often. What? Often I'm like no, I would drink if there was stress or pain or my feelings have been hurt or my self-worth was low, yeah, but I didn't actually realise hurt. Or my self-worth was low, yeah, but I didn't actually realize that. Actually, my self-worth was just low and that was it. And so you didn't have the um, the correct or the healthier coping mechanisms, tools, the tools didn't have the tools. And so when your self-worth is already low, I find when something happens, it actually that's. You think it's that, but it's because your self-worth's low, so you don't have the tools to handle someone kicking you in the stomach. Oh, it's how much you respect yourself and your body, your mental health, your spiritual health, your physical health. That all equates to the total your sub-worth, your self-worth, okay. So when you were drinking, when did you realise that your self-worth was low? I probably didn't until, probably about now, now that I'm in a healthier place.
Speaker 1:I live life differently. I live by a different set of principles. Different things make me happier. What? What are those principles? Um, like, get up, look after your body, go to the gym, go to pilates, be kind to yourself. I was be so much kinder to myself now than I was before.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what were you doing before? I was going out, going to the pub, going on dates and just sorry to interrupt, is this off the back of? So give me an example of a reason you'd go and drink at the pub. What would happen to you in a day to make you go and drink? Oh, so, if we had a period of not working for a couple of weeks between jobs? That is what the nurse at the hospital tried to accuse me of, and I just thought it was so huge accuse you of. She accused me of having being depressed, right? So why are you in the hospital? Because of drinking, right? I had back to the beginning of that night rewind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was drinking at an ex like situationships house. I think it was at the time because I had two injuries very close together. I had a shoulder injury and a knee injury very close together. How you got those injuries? Yeah, so Were they drinking injuries, both drinking injuries and so over. That resulted in A&E, which resulted in my arm being in a sling, so I lost an arm. Is this when you fell over and hit pot? Yeah, that's when I bulldozed a plant pot. Oh, okay, okay I. And then tried to blame foxes for criminal damage.
Speaker 1:Just to reiterate that story, what did you do? I was leaving a premises of a boss, a former boss, a former boss, so it wasn't one of my best looks. I was trying, it wasn't well lit and I was trying to find the Uber and I was just I've seen there, it's very dark and I was trying to find the Uber and I was just I've seen there, it's very dark and I probably was running at 100. It is a hazard. I was running at 100 miles an hour and I bulldozed a I can't even I've got no concept of measurement, but it was half the size of half my body, it was that tall and it was big and it was stone and I went over over the plant pot. The plant pot went over, which I didn't really realize until someone sent me a picture the next morning after I told them I was in A&E and had to come clean because I was in it in A&E. So that that was. That was my shoulder.
Speaker 1:How do you feel about that, tara? Do you feel sorry for me right now? I never want to feel like I'm a victim and I think a lot of people think the same, but I just you must have some empathy towards that person. I just wasn't being kind to myself. I would have run myself into the ground and if that was me, you'd feel empathy. Yeah, because I did not care what I was doing to myself, what my mental health, spiritual health or physical health and do you know why you didn't care? It was a coping mechanism which I didn't realize I used. As a coping mechanism I was suffering from and a friend told me this time earlier this week I thought I was suffering from party girl syndrome.
Speaker 1:And what is party girl syndrome for our audience? Party girl syndrome as well. I just thought, thought I was a good time girl, out for a good laugh, up for anything. I live by myself. Like I said on the last episode, I've got no dependents, I just have to. Oh, thank you, I just have to worry about my car. That is literally the only thing. I've got an orchid, which I try and keep alive, but that's the only thing I've got to worry about. So I was just always up for a good time. Yes to anything. There's no reason for me to actually go home every night. Got, you, don't have to. That's party girl syndrome. Yeah, okay, what? What? If you've got work, though, you have to go home. Oh, yeah, this is when. Oh, this is during. Yeah, this is during the times when we're not working and we're like what is my purpose? Yes, but work kept me accountable.
Speaker 1:There are certain things during my drinking stage I don't know how you found it certain things kept me accountable, which, no, I agree, which is why I always kind of lived in half delusion that things are okay, I, I don't have a problem. I, probably I wasn't treating myself as well as I should do, but I didn't see it. Yeah, same actually. I, I don't think. We, I honestly I think you and I have been on a similar journey and we've got to a place where we can see in hindsight much better and clearer and have a lot of empathy for that girl. Yeah, was doing this to herself, because, ultimately, not necessarily a cry for help, because we're not. We are very independent women, yeah, but it's actually just more of a, um, self-medication to keep going and keep being this person. Would you agree? Yeah, coping mechanism, but do you think we were drinking so we didn't have to be that person?
Speaker 1:I was talking to my father and he said if he didn't like the trajectory of how a certain situation was going, he'd hit the big red button. And what is the big red button? Like self-sabotage, and it's like the only way he knew how to change the trajectory. I know this, right, so tell, okay. So I was listening to a podcast the other day. Obviously we love podcasts and, uh, someone else was being interviewed, but I often pick up on things in the interview where I'm like, oh, he didn't realize what he was doing self-sabotage and was actually talking about his time when he was drinking and going off on crazy things and he was younger and his parents kicked him out and he was asked like why he would then behave like get into fights and do all sorts of things, and he said I have no idea at the time, but it was a pressure valve and to keep this persona of I'm strong and I can keep up this. I don't need anyone, I don't need help and I can look after myself.
Speaker 1:Basically, if you put the lid on something and it's still boiling, it has to come out. In other ways it's gonna boil over, and this is one of those ways. And your dad's saying, like, when you've had enough, you press the button so that you can just go crazy and the only person you hurt actually sometimes you hurt other people by mistake, but you are aiming to just hurt yourself because you can't deal with all the pain that is inside that, which is actually very sad. Well, that was my advice. I don't think I ever actually did hurt anyone else. It was always me. I never did anything so detrimental. Yeah, I didn't lose friendships or anything. It was just myself. Yeah, same, I would be the same. I try and do the.
Speaker 1:It's almost like the self-hatred in yourself, but what we've realised being sober is it's not actually self-hatred. It was just we didn't have the tools to deal with the problems. Self-hatred, it was just we didn't have the tools to deal with the problems, and the solution that we've always known is to have a drink to make you feel better. Yeah, so what sort of triggers would make you drink? I need, I need an example.
Speaker 1:Um, I, I would never start drinking feeling sad or feeling stressed. I would always drink with other people. I'd never sit at home with wine, but I could end up at home by myself after exactly the same. I'd carry on, carry on the party, carry on the misery. Yeah, pity party. Put your hat on, get your little bottle on your own. Yeah, let's continue this self pity party. And there'll be no one there to tell me to stop. No, and and you're feeling shit already, so why not just keep filling up on it?
Speaker 1:Well, I didn't realize I was feeling shit, and then I would, at some point, just hit the big red button and then think, how, how far can I take this? Yeah, yeah, and then the goalpost would always move, because during the session, during the session, yeah, because I'd say I'd call up one person and then say, whatever if they wouldn't call me out on it. I'm gonna have to elaborate on that, so, so one of your, one of your things that you would do during the drinking was this to make you feel better. What would you call someone up to try and make you feel better. Or were you text a boy, it would always be boys. And you're looking for almost validation. Validation, yeah, and someone to to cheer you up, yeah, but if they allowed me to be crazy and be crazy with them, it would only get worse the next time, because the goalpost moves Well and also, I think that's also a testing Almost toddlers do that to see how far they can get when they're learning and in our drunkenness we see how far we can push before someone pushes back.
Speaker 1:And I don't like it when they push back. And so you're almost, you're, you're, you're wanting to explode. You're trying to give someone the, you're trying to get the excuse by pushing someone else to make it their fault a hundred percent, so that then you're, you don't have to be it's the word accountable, thank you, you don't have to be accountable, but you can blame someone else. Yeah, oh, very interesting. God, manipulative, even in my drunken state, yeah, but I think that probably we all do that. We push to get a reaction because actually it's us already feeling shit inside and we need an excuse to explode because, again, we don't know how to level, balance the playing field, but also maybe not sitting in your own emotions.
Speaker 1:For me personally, I wasn't able to even figure out what the problem was. But I'd drink to have fun yeah, then it would turn into pity party. Yeah, then I'd be at home miserable, but I'd be getting worse and angrier, and I still haven't figured out what the actual problem was. So then I'd get, I'd get other people, you know, push other people's buttons if I knew how to do it, to then be able to explode with a reason, because they made me do this, yeah, they made me. So, therefore, still never figuring out the actual problem, which was me, but also wouldn't make you feel better in the process anyway. So it's not fixing anything. The drunken bark, no, no, oh well, it is. It's tiring, it's very tiring and exhausting. It's past 10 o'clock, it's past one o'clock.
Speaker 1:So did you figure out why you would push people's buttons so that you could explode? Did you ever figure out what it was, why you would push everyone's buttons to make you explode? So you had a valid reason for actually exploding? Did you then work out what, what the baseline was? Was it your self-worth, was it that you felt shit about yourself?
Speaker 1:Well, I had to assess my relationship with alcohol during my 90 day stint of sobriety, because I was feeling better when I wasn't drinking and I was noticing these patterns of bad behavior. So I had to ask myself what is it? What is it and why am I doing it? Um, and the answer was no. I didn't realize, because I went back to drinking. No, but you were starting to figure it out. I was starting to figure it out, but I didn't couldn't pinpoint it the way I can now, because I wasn't taking it seriously, because I knew I was going to go back to drinking. But these are the little things that we learn each time we stop drinking for a certain period of time, and it doesn't mean we can always go back to drinking, which we've done. We've been on a whole journey, right.
Speaker 1:But so you figured out, you figured out something in that first 90 days and you started to attach it to your behavior. It's like I was putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Yeah, it's a puzzle, isn't it? But it's a big puzzle all over the floor. You're trying to fit it, a very, very big puzzle, and I probably put two pieces of the puzzle in during the first 90 days and then during the second 90 days. Okay, more pieces of the puzzle than I did with my therapist.
Speaker 1:So what were the first pieces you worked out in the first 90 days? 90 days is that alcohol did not serve me well at all. It wasn't making me feel good. I thought it was making me feel good, like you said, the first couple of drinks. It's always a party until it's not um. And then I had to work out oh my god, why am I so much happier without the alcohol? But that's, why is that sorry?
Speaker 1:Let me ask the question is that why you then went back to drink? Because you thought you'd figured something else out? Yes, and you thought okay, well, that's the case. Then let me see you. I, you've got to go and do the research. That's definitely my find. You have to keep researching to figure out the solution to the problem.
Speaker 1:Well, I just thought, and you need evidence? Well, I wasn't looking so scientifically, I just thought, fuck it. I just thought, wow, I made this breakthrough. Yeah, let's celebrate with a glass of wine. Ah, but that makes complete sense as well, you know, because when you make a breakthrough, what your brain is trained to do is how do we celebrate? How do most people celebrate glass of wine drinking exactly champagne? Yeah, to, and that is built into, that's ingrained in us from such an early age. What do you do to celebrate? You have a drink? Yeah, once we've figured out that our own self-sabotage is drinking, we have to go back and celebrate by drinking. And it makes complete sense if you've got the brain in the brain, the worm pops out everywhere and this is the little fucker that keeps it's bringing us back and which is why actually it's it's it's strengthening a muscle, not drinking, okay.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to touch on on, apart from destroying ourselves with alcohol, where was the baseline of our self-worth? Where was that set? Because I also heard on a different podcast that we are not comfortable with anyone treating us any better than what we think we deserve to be treated and we're not comfortable with any less. So there is a baseline, like a pre-set baseline of our worth. Yeah, and so, however we were treating ourselves, we were meeting ourselves where we mentally thought we deserve to be. Yeah, and so I what I think happened. So in hindsight, being sober, looking at me, I now say her of that version.
Speaker 1:It makes me want to cry, because I was in a lot of the times that I just didn't know how to express how I was feeling all my emotions at that time. So something would happen like you know, a breakup, and it would be so painful. But I have this persona and this image that I am a strong woman, and so therefore I still play that role, but it was. It would then be, you know, oh yes, we will have fun and have drinks and pretend we're fine, but only then would the drink tip the emotions to what I really felt. And so when I would then be on my own after the party with everyone's over, yeah, it was painful and I could actually feel pain because I didn't know how to handle that pain or have the tools to deal with this horrible feeling inside, I would just take it out on myself, yeah, and only after going around the merry-go-round of trying to be sober.
Speaker 1:Each time I'd learn a new lesson and I have a lot of empathy for her and I still struggle, like we, you and I still struggle, but instead of getting the drink, I go to non-alcoholic beer. I've actually got one now because for me, it gives me the, the, what is it? Sort of a hit? Yeah, and it's not really a, it's a placebo effect for me. Whereas you can't do that, I can't do it. I don't see the point. You've had a matcha, a nice comforting matcha, I just know I just it's just something I'm gonna have to live without it is. But actually what we've even learned from doing this podcast is talking about it actually makes it, releases some of that pressure in our chain.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know you, you're in pain today. Yesterday I thought I was going to drink, but then I my way out of it instead of having like a non-alcoholic beverage. I rationalize it as I don't want the reason for my pain to be, them to be. I don't want him, who's already caused me this pain, to be the reason for my downfall. I will, because then you would feel even more shame, shame, I'll be kicking myself and your self-worth would naturally be lowered. And you, you would have done that to yourself because he's not handing you the drink.
Speaker 1:No, and I've done so much. What is the last seven months? You've really worked on yourself. Seven months, people, seven months. Well done so much. What is the last seven months? You've really worked on yourself. Seven months, people, seven months. Well done Tara. So proud of you. I know that's actually incredible. Like. Think about that and think about the good things. Well, yeah, I've achieved a lot. There's a lot happening. I wouldn't have done that if I had still been drinking. No, so everything. I just feel so much better about life, I feel so much calmer, um, so let's talk for a second.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but so when you got to your second round of 90 days, how did you get there from? So, after the first 90 days, you learned something, and you learned that you felt a lot better, right, yeah, but you, to celebrate, you went back and drank straight away. And what? How long were you drinking for? Then, before you decided you wanted to be sober again, I was working a job. It was a very short job and I wanted to show up, and so I thought I need to do the job. Was your accountability, yes, and I thought I need to do this without alcohol, because I know I'm. It's going to fuck me royally if I do so. I did that, um, and then. So that was October. Then I did the following, january to March, and I felt strong enough to do it where I didn't feel before.
Speaker 1:What happened to you drinking again the the last time to get you back onto that path. Um, oh god, what did happen? Like, obviously, so, oh, it's my two A&E trips, mainly so in the second time that you decided to drink after your 90 days, you ended up in A&E twice. Yeah, so it's after that job finished and I started drinking again and I'd end up in A&E. So sorry, just to go back for a second. So before that time, the reason that you decided to go sober again was purely because of a job, and you had, and that was your accountability.
Speaker 1:Yes, but so often when we decide things which is why I often say take it just today, don't, don't put it on something. You don't put it on like a new boyfriend, the fact you're happy right now, or a job, because what, what happens to us is when that, that thing can end and if we're attaching our sobriety to something else, it's going to fuck you in the arsehole, which it did because. So when the job ended, when you felt like job ended, I started drinking again, having a good time. But was that because you were celebrating the end of the job or because you felt depressed, because the job had ended and you felt like you had nothing? No, I didn't feel depressed. I felt wonderful that I wasn't working I, you were free. It was your freedom, that's it. I felt free.
Speaker 1:I solely do not ever want to work, yeah, but but can so just elaborate a little bit on on the job, the hours you work in tv and film, we both do. Yeah, so for that job for you to be accountable for, you need to show up and it's very early hours, like very late finishes, very, very early starts, very late finishes. Locations are inconsistent, they're all over the place. We're not going to an office like nine to five every day, so not that that can also make you want to drink. Yeah, if you're very unhappy in your job, but we're happy in our job. But we're not in a routine to the point where we can be comfortable and lax, yeah, have a few drinks, maybe wake up late. There's too much pressure as well from the top. This is an entire production.
Speaker 1:When you're making something and you are an important part of that team, yeah, um, I'm a, I'm a head of department. You're, you're a key figure in a main team where you're looking after actors and you're also letting the rest of the team down. Yeah, if you're not there, you are fucking over your whole team. So there's a lot to be sober for, yeah, and a lot of reasons to be able to show up and do your job. Well, yeah, until until the weekend. Until the weekend, until the job finishes. We're at a party party and you go to the hospital. I told you you're like it's Friday. Yeah, fuck, I just fell down. A well, I've got to go to A&E. Shit, damn it. Well, at least I've got Sunday until I have to be back at work.
Speaker 1:For the accountability of your hands ability, it's fine. As long as I always thought, as long as I've got my, my wrists and my hands, I don't care about my legs, about your eyes you actually need to see to do makeup. I've never thought I'd put myself in a position where I'd hurt my eyes. Yeah, that's, that's a new thing I'm giving you. So that's a new reason to not I. In my head, I was always like as long as my hands are working, I'm fine. So I thought as long as I've got my hands, I'll be fine. Anyway, stopped working. I was sober for the job. Maybe it was like September, but I was sober for the job Anyway. So maybe October, november, december, I was drinking again. I went into A&E the first time for my shoulder the plant pot incident.
Speaker 1:Six weeks later, I slithered off a toilet at an ex. I don't even want to call him a boyfriend because he doesn't know how to be one. So like an ex situation, shit. Oh yeah, we've got loads of exes. It doesn't mean they were our boyfriends, it means they no longer exist. They were chapters in a book that I've burnt. Well yeah, and also, sometimes those chapters are beneficial. I've learnt something from every relationship, something I don't want, things I do want, because everything gives you a lesson. It's a human experience, tar, that is that's how you have to look at it. Um, anyway, the knee I slithered off the toilet. Wrong um, I realized I did some damage to the soft tissue in my knee.
Speaker 1:Woke, upoke up the next day screaming in pain, went to the hospital, blacked out before I even got to the scan. Blacked out from pain. I passed out twice. They told me I was dehydrated or something. And there's mum crying, quite, rightly. That's a good response, and also the distress to our parents isn't yeah, is it? There's not much left of the story.
Speaker 1:I woke up on a bed with nurses surrounding me and my mother on the phone to the guy whose house I'd done the knee injury to. Um, and the nurse looked at me. She said have you spoken to the doctor about, um, antidepressants? I said absolutely not. She goes do you think you're depressed? I said I'm not depressed, I just work in film and tv, which, yeah, yeah, and I just wasn't working. So I had the freedom and I gave myself a bit too much b-way, yeah, and then I did some silly things. But then I thought you were, you are a boundary tester, boundary tester and I thought this is going too far. Now, a&e twice in six weeks is too far. And then you thought, okay, this is an issue. Is that what you thought? Yeah, this is an issue. I should really. There's obviously a problem here. Problem stop drinking.
Speaker 1:When did you start? Was it that you started to build up your self-worth because you were sober and you actually wanted more things for yourself? Absolutely, I always described it as like a superpower, being able when you're sober I still do. It's like you feel phenomenal. Everything in your life improves, every area of your life improves. Not that I want to sound preachy, no, but these are facts and I agree with you and I think so. In turn, my real, everything in my reality, became phenomenal. And so much examples of what, what you actually did. What have you done with your sobriety yes, giving you these superpowers and what's made it phenomenal? The template. I've started training for a half marathon. Yeah, we've started this podcast.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like I've been doing a lot for me, mentally, spiritually, started going to yoga, I know, and actually she's just figured out it's hard. So I am a yoga bunny. I love it. I love it. But Tara likes high intensity. I want to cry when I accidentally go to high intensity classes. I did the other week, nearly cried, wanted to walk out, didn't actually did it. And again, you've inspired me because she entered the marathon. So I thought do you know what? I can't? I don't think I entered the marathon.
Speaker 1:I did get to the end page and then I did remember I have scoliosis and it's quite severe and I sent her my x-ray and she was like I don't know, actually, if you can run. I don't have any operation because of that. But I started running. Yeah, and I fucking hate running, but I've got home and I run. There's a park right by me. I don't even use to like walk in and now I run, and I run without Sophie. I ran on my own and it's a 4k. Well done, thank you.
Speaker 1:The run is what is? There's something changing your brain. There's something in running, I tell you, and I think loads of people will go fucking. How do you not know this? It's so easy.
Speaker 1:But I listened to a podcast with Russ Cook who ran the length of Africa. Wow, he's incredible. What are they called? Like super marathons or something? Yeah, and he actually did run the marathon, but he didn't expect so much, you know, attention, even though he just ran the length of Africa, which took over a year, over a year and got kidnapped, got kidnapped, got robbed, like exceptional. So it's a diary of a CEO. Yeah, wow, he ran the whole of Africa and he did get kidnapped in the Congo, but he was just no training, not a super athlete, but again, someone that was having a difficult upbringing. Yeah, he got into drinking. I don't think he did drugs, I won't say that, but he was drinking a lot. He got into gambling, he's. He was getting on with his parents and it was because he didn't know how to deal with his own emotions and he started running. What? What do you think you've achieved since you've started? You've running? Well done.
Speaker 1:I discovered the first time that I was a lot happier and automatically. I thought, let's fuck up some shit because I'm so happy, let's try and drink again. Life is too calm. Then I think each time, yeah, you stop after. I think actually the research is important. So if you, if you, you know, if you're trying to stop drinking and then you start again, you learn something else each time and it's a process, it's levels, and this time, that time, I realized that, oh, my god, I am horrible to myself and I started doing like, looking at myself as one of my best friends, and it would break my heart to see what they were doing to themselves. But it was me, it was actually me and I was doing it to myself. So this time around, I've always done yoga, so I used to be the girl that would. I have the green juice every morning, eat really well, so I could get fucked up. Yeah, so then I can, I can go, but I do all this other stuff. But now I've learned that I care more about myself than I ever have in my life. But also, do you think that's an age thing? Our bodies are just not functioning? No, no, no, I think that is sober. I think that's a sobriety thing, because I know a lot of people that are sober now, early in their 20s, and they really care.
Speaker 1:You start thinking about other things. It's like when you're drinking you don't have time to think about other things because you just gotta recover to then go do what you've got to do in life to make money and to earn it, to keep doing the things, yeah, yeah whereas when you don't, there's other things to think about and you get so much time so you study, study, you study, you start a podcast, podcast, start running, you start running. I hate running, but now I like running. Once you get past three and a half k, I think every time I run, my my lungs bleed. Once you get past three and a half K, I think every time I run my my lungs bleed. But once you get past it, it's the transferencing.
Speaker 1:I feel the high, as long as I'm feeling something. I need to feel. You need to. Yeah, and it is. It's feeling all your feelings.
Speaker 1:So the shit thing about being sober is feeling all your feelings, but the great thing about being sober is feeling all your feelings. It's a catch-22. It allows you to feel the good things because alcohol lies to you. Alcohol makes you think that, oh my god, it's fine, we actually don't need to deal with that, but it gives you what a superficial confidence that it's not real. It's not real, guys. No, it's not there. So then your fucking downfall is is off a cliff.
Speaker 1:It's like a cracked mirror. Yes, it's a crack. I like this analogy. It's not a like, it's a double-edged sword analogy. So, yes, the mirror a cracked mirror will not give you a true reflection of what's really going on. You might look in the mirror and think I don't see this pain, but really it's there, but you can't see it because it's cracked. Um, so it alcohol lies to you. But equally, that's not a pretty mirror to look at. It's damaged, it's a fucked up mirror, but you think the mirror is not broken. But actually, when you so, the mirror looks all shiny and beautiful when you're drunk and then when you're sober, you realise you're looking in a cracked, motherfucking mirror, mirror, mirror on the wall.
Speaker 1:Who's the drunkest of them all? What are your small daily habits? Yeah, to raise your self-worth. I think I value myself so much higher now. But what are the small things like? If people are listening to this, what are the small things you can help someone who is trying to raise their self-worth Exercise. Who's trying to be sober, exercise and doing things that make you feel good, no matter how big, no matter how small. It doesn't have to impact anyone else's life. If it's making you feel good, it's going to put you higher on your pedestal. What are the things that you do daily? So I think, um, planning, have a plan of things that you'd like to do for yourself that are good. So I go now running, which is a new thing that I do, but I also make sure I go to yoga twice a week, which is good for my mental health and my physical health. But I also start my day with self-worth affirmations. Love that, and I recommend the lavender lifestyle podcast for that, because she's amazing at raising the vibration and your self-worth Gratitude or self-worth anything that you're struggling with. There's breathing ones, but they help me a lot to just start my day.
Speaker 1:I also think living in a clean and tidy space breeds for a clean and tidy mind. Cleaning Is not a hobby, okay, so cleaning is so therapeutic. I love cleaning, but I am now back at work. Um, we're filming now, so I'm gonna be hiring cleaner because I need to be in a clean environment when I come home. A messy space breeds a messy mind, it is true, yeah, but yeah, joining a really nice health club or a gym is good for you.
Speaker 1:Just being around money, being around money oh, I just had to repeat what you were saying To understand it. Yeah, no, manifesting, yeah, visual Having manifesting yeah, visual Having a goal yeah, and a future for yourself yeah, vision boards, vision boards, yeah, vision boards. I've got one. We've got one right now. I'm looking at it right now and it's a vision board that I love. It's got a check on it. It's got a picture of an amazing couple. It's got Jay Shetty on there, because I love him. It's got a quote which says if you don't see the book on the shelf, write it. It's got, the universe is on my side. I trust the process. It's got a big picture of money loads of, loads of dollar bills, which you know can be pounds also Any form of currency I accept, yeah, and there's something where there's a girl in yoga kit and she's looking up and saying I surrender to the universe. So these things are good to have.
Speaker 1:We are also now doing our podcast biweekly. So, because we have to go back to filming which is amazing started filming. Tara's joining next week, so we're going to be releasing episodes every other week, which gives you a chance to catch up and listen to everything. So thank you for listening. We will be releasing our episodes every other Thursday. We hope you enjoy it and let us know. Write, write in, like and follow us on Instagram. Help us work out TikTok, because we are old and don't understand it. Not of the generation, no, not, we're not. If we were, we'd be fucking millionaires. Okay, guys, all right, okay, bye.