Drunk Girls Gone Sober
Boundaries and Why It's None of Your Business
Have you ever considered how setting personal boundaries could transform your life? In our latest episode, we explore the journey of self-discovery, beginning with a discussion on how reconnecting with nature and indulging in creative activities can rejuvenate the mind and spirit. We also reflect on the demands of a hectic work week and share insights on maintaining a sense of balance amid a whirlwind of fittings and filming.
We delve into the evolution from people-pleasing habits to prioritizing self-care, and the struggles of maintaining boundaries in personal relationships—highlighting how issues like abandonment can influence these dynamics. The conversation touches on the crucial aspects of letting go of control and embracing self-awareness to foster emotional growth.
As we conclude, the focus shifts to practical advice for setting healthy boundaries both professionally and personally. We emphasize the need to disconnect from work during off-hours to protect mental space and the importance of not taking on others' emotional burdens. Through personal anecdotes, we highlight the significance of self-care routines and listening to one’s intuition, while offering tips on overcoming guilt and prioritizing personal well-being. Join us for an episode that promises insights on achieving a balanced, fulfilled life by mastering the art of boundaries and self-care.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Have you ever considered how setting personal boundaries could transform your life? In our latest episode, we explore the journey of self-discovery, beginning with a discussion on how reconnecting with nature and indulging in creative activities can rejuvenate the mind and spirit. We also reflect on the demands of a hectic work week and share insights on maintaining a sense of balance amid a whirlwind of fittings and filming.
We delve into the evolution from people-pleasing habits to prioritizing self-care, and the struggles of maintaining boundaries in personal relationships—highlighting how issues like abandonment can influence these dynamics. The conversation touches on the crucial aspects of letting go of control and embracing self-awareness to foster emotional growth.
As we conclude, the focus shifts to practical advice for setting healthy boundaries both professionally and personally. We emphasize the need to disconnect from work during off-hours to protect mental space and the importance of not taking on others' emotional burdens. Through personal anecdotes, we highlight the significance of self-care routines and listening to one’s intuition, while offering tips on overcoming guilt and prioritizing personal well-being. Join us for an episode that promises insights on achieving a balanced, fulfilled life by mastering the art of boundaries and self-care.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Hi Carl, hi Tara, how are you? I am good.
Speaker 2:You know, every time I used to go to therapy, my therapist would ask how are you? And I would just say yeah, I'm good, which probably means something else is going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I'm very chilled, I'm very zen. Yeah, I had a weekend away last weekend and it was just. I turned my phone off for the whole weekend unheard of, I know and I was actually just in the countryside at a retreat doing nothing but reading and being creative and tending to my emotional needs. That's good growth.
Speaker 2:I love it, but it's kept me zen too, zen, too zen actually. No, not too zen because of work, and that's been great, yes, what do you mean?
Speaker 1:I've also been in the garden, like most of the day, with nature, earthing, grounding.
Speaker 2:Grounding, yeah, and.
Speaker 1:I started my day at a garden centre and it was so nice. It was the most beautiful garden centre I've ever been to. You look so happy and I looked into your eyes and I went into it. I was like, oh my God, it's like magic. It was just full of plants and a cafe. And then they had the outside garden centre and I needed to get a new plant for my garden. I got a huge magnolia and you love plants and that's what makes I love plants.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I have been gardening today and getting the garden summer ready and the garden looks gorgeous. Thank you, I love it. Yeah, so that's why I'm a bit zen, because I've been laying in the garden reading a book for about three hours, okay, which has been heaven and Sophie's been making me smoothies and giving me ice cream you've got the sun and the waitress, yeah, well, yeah, my neighbor lent me the jet washer, so I jet washed everything, just very um.
Speaker 1:What's that word? Wholesome, very wholesome, tara, what is that word? Very wholesome? And we've obviously been at work. You've been at work with me, yes, I have, um, and our week has been chaos. But I mean, I don't know how much you feel chaos, but I'm running the chaos no, I feel it yeah um, but it's not bad chaos, it's a manageable.
Speaker 2:Maybe you feel differently.
Speaker 1:No, no, it was great, it was good, it was just a lot it um.
Speaker 2:We're doing fittings and filming at the same time, a lot of bodies to be in, a lot of places to do a lot of things.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of a lot of places for one person to be. It's more of me, but um, try and possibly, try and possibly, but also it's like using my creative brain for every single fitting, which I love, but, yeah, it's so tired by the end of the day. Yeah, of course it's draining, it's. It was really a lot, but actually I like left work on Friday, so happy with like all the creativity that we did and um, happy team, happy designer, happy life, happy wife. Happy life, happy wife, happy life, although you got left on set obviously by accident, because well, you just couldn't.
Speaker 2:I. I knew, I realized no one was coming for you I realized no one was coming for me and I had a full plan to go to the toilet once I was relieved from set my shift. It wasn't wasn't until about 10 or 15 minutes after I was meant to have left that I realized no one was coming for me. But it was. It was fine I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we had so many fittings that I just couldn't lose anyone from the room. It was what it, it was what it was, it was what it was. But you know, if that happened, you just really needed a wee. Obviously which often happens on film sets you get stuck and people don't tend to their human rights. That sounds great. How was your week? I can't believe it. Can you say something?
Speaker 2:nothing sure, yeah, okay, my my week. Um, it was really fun and really positive and I loved being in your crowd room. The crowd room is so nice. I told you this before good vibes, good people. Um, I felt really productive, like I was actually doing something, and I didn't actually realize how much I missed working. And I know that I bang on about I just want to be a Pilates wife and never work, and I do still think I actually am suited to that, yeah, but but I do like working.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you did have anxiety.
Speaker 2:I had yeah, I had anxiety for about five minutes, but I feel like that's before any new job yeah, I think we all get anxiety. It's like the first day of school vibes, but um it's the fear of the unknown, but really there's nothing to be thoroughly about.
Speaker 1:But then you've thoroughly enjoyed yourself and I've got lots of messages saying what a nice time everyone had.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's good, it is really good. I also fully broke up with the guy that I went back to, right, okay, yeah, that's good, which I fully broke up with the guy that I went back to that I spoke about in the last episode and maybe spoke about in the last episode, and maybe this will be like a bi-weekly occurrence thing, but I'm hoping not anymore.
Speaker 1:But that will lead on to the topic of this week's episode yes, so this week's episode, which is probably why I am quite chill because I've learned a lot in the last few weeks about my boundaries and that's the topic of the episode, that's the topic boundaries, boundaries, boundaries are so important they, I think a lot of people, a lot of people don't actually think much about boundaries and they think, oh, boundaries, that's a big scary thing and it's quite an aggressive thing.
Speaker 2:It's a therapy word. That's why it's a therapy word and people are adverse to therapy words and therapy in general. Yeah, unless you've been traumatized and wanted to fix yourself.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, but also therapy's good. But yeah, I think I've implemented quite a few boundaries in the past few weeks and they're really good, and then I just had to go and turn my phone off for an entire weekend. Having your phone off and losing just that connection is so nice.
Speaker 2:I was listening to a TikTok earlier and Nokia have brought back the old brick phones. Shut up. No, they've brought them back. I love it. What's that? And 3210? And this woman was talking about how there's going to be a whole societal shift about the higher status you are, the less switched on as in available you're going to be. Hence why the whole shift of not wanting to be online as much as we are now. Does that make?
Speaker 1:sense yeah, I love that. Did you understand that?
Speaker 2:I did. Oh yeah, it's old school, isn't it?
Speaker 1:yeah, it's taking it back, yeah, which is so needed sometimes. You can also do that by turning your internet off you've always got 4g people. You've always got 4g unless you turn it on. Well, you turn it off, which is what I. I just turned it off, yeah, well, my phone's entirely off. Didn't see it. Didn't see it for two days, it was great, no one texted me anyway, so oh, I when I turned it back on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I turned it off on Friday night and I turned it back on on Monday midday and had 87 different whatsapp groups going off yeah, but is that not joyous?
Speaker 2:no, that was awful.
Speaker 1:So I got to know how wanted I was like no, I don't know, I don't want you, I don't want any of this, okay. I was I was living in my bubble of nature. Nature I was doing nature walks, being in a hot tub, reading a book, eating wholesome food, and I was also really healthy for like a cleanse week before, which has now brought me out in what I can only consider to be leprosy.
Speaker 2:It sounds so positive. And so what has happened this week? Or is it the whole turning and switching your phone off that's made you think about boundaries, because you brought this topic up to me?
Speaker 1:no, I think we often think about boundaries and I think what I realized is I don't actually tend to my emotional needs and I think work has reminded me of that because I think we've had some downtime where we're able to. I call it the Terry's chocolate orange, where you fill each segment, the segments of your day that you can do a bit that you need, and I say there's like 12 like have a bit of social, eat some nice healthy food, read a book for a bit, listen to a podcast go for a walk in nature.
Speaker 1:I can do two things, and that well when I wasn't working, I was doing my segments and I was, I was getting. It was like a little social. It was a little battery that would fill up from these little things. It doesn't take that long, like do a 15 minute walk, go a swimming yeah get out in the garden. Eat some healthy food, cook some healthy food. Drink a smoothie.
Speaker 1:Take your vitamins we forget that this is life and this is how we should be filling our cup yeah, but you can't fill your cup when you're at work for 12 hours and you have a two-hour drive, so that's 14 hours of your day, isn't it? Yeah and uh. So that has been tricky because, yeah, there's so much responsibility at work. We were supposed to record this podcast yesterday and I was really ill and yesterday was my eight month sober bursary.
Speaker 1:Oh, congratulations. Eight months Well done, but we didn't record. We didn't record because I couldn't get out of bed. So I think actually I'm probably a bit zen today because I fully barely left my bed yesterday. I think I left twice to answer the door to the food and I couldn't really eat the food. So everybody got sick the week before and I was like, oh, I haven't really eat the food. So everybody got sick the week before and I was like, oh, I haven't got sick, wow, and I did. Yesterday. I just had. My body was dead, my throat was sore, my tummy hurt.
Speaker 1:I just think it's the work and yeah, it was just like intense work week where you're really tired by the end of it and I just needed my body went. No, we're staying in bed.
Speaker 2:I was tired after three days, three days, that's it. Three days, not five. So god knows how you were feeling but I mean I'm good.
Speaker 1:Today I was like sprightly got up at nine because there was a cleaner banging on my door. Carly, why don't?
Speaker 2:you talk about your relationship with boundaries. Yeah, oh, it can be a general gist, because look at that body language oh, this is a protective thing.
Speaker 1:Um, I didn't really know that I didn't have any. Um, I thought I was really strong in some things that I do and I don't think that's the case. I wasn't setting boundaries for myself and it's more about self-care and I was putting everyone's needs before my own, which is apparently what I've done my whole life, and even a couple of my best friends. I went for dinner with Amber on Friday and she was like how do you not know this?
Speaker 2:and I was like what it's clear as day to everyone else, but to the person or yourself, it's.
Speaker 1:You're just yeah, and also, I don't ask for what I need.
Speaker 2:Yes, is that because you don't deep, deep, deep down, you don't think it'll be provided for yeah, probably.
Speaker 1:I just didn't know if my needs were that important, and they are Hell yeah so I discovered like.
Speaker 1:One thing I've implemented is I was like I'm living with some of my best mates, who are also working with us, but we were sharing the car, working with us, but we were sharing the car, and I did not realize until the weekend that my car time is when I decompress. Yeah for sure. Okay, never noticed that on a job. Uh, yeah, I don't know, I don't. But then, unless you, I think it's been a while since we've been to work and I was like, oh, I don't know, like I'm getting quite stressed and I feel responsible for everyone's journeys to work, which, even when I said to them they were like what, of course you can have, like you don't need to feel responsible for us to get to work and back.
Speaker 2:And I was like why.
Speaker 1:Why did I think I was? And anyway. So this whole week I've had my car to myself. I've really decompressed, I've done what I need to do in my car, I've made phone calls I want to make and I've listened to podcasts I want to listen to, or meditation music not always advisable if you're tired and driving and driving, yeah, but why are?
Speaker 1:you listening to meditation? Well, affirmations which I really quite like. As you know, I've talked about this before, so, um, yeah, it's quite broad really, but why don't we talk about your relationship with boundaries?
Speaker 2:my relationship with boundaries? Um, very good question. I never had any when I was younger. I feel like before I was much more of a people pleaser when I was younger and then something happened. I don't know if this is like an age thing or emotionally and spiritually growing thing, where I've learned that I need certain things and if I don't get those certain things I will do something. There's like give and take, like the pressure valve. Like the pressure valve.
Speaker 1:That's how I, that's what I'm now thinking. I'm like, oh wow, it's all about the pressure valve. Something has to. Don't create the boundaries. Something has to give.
Speaker 2:Something has to give, and it's always on at the expense of myself or my life. So that's what I've learned with Boundary. I'm still trying to figure it out, especially the whole drinking thing. That's got better. I fully understand myself about that and I I'm so much more self-aware about the drinking thing. But there's other areas of my life, such as men, which I keep talking about. I keep going back to the same person who just keeps repeatedly hurting, hurting me over and over. Like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result yeah, Happening. So why can I be strong in some areas of my life and not others?
Speaker 1:that's what I'm still figuring out but isn't it nice to be learning like we're getting somewhere with it, because we've recognized something's off can everyone else learn, because I think it's their problem, not mine. I know well like so. That would be your Achilles heel, your relationships, your relationship with men with men.
Speaker 2:I, I think one man right now, I think others I don't. I mean, I was toxic for about eight hours to someone recently because I felt so mentally healthy I was like this is boring. Let me try and dip my toe in the pool of toxicity again.
Speaker 1:I do that, though. You know the drinking in Greece, just trying it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Like did a dibble dabble. I blocked someone for eight hours, unblocked them tried calling them they obviously didn't pick up, and then I messaged him and I said you're a psycho. Have you hit your head?
Speaker 1:you said that, yeah, fully sober, fully sober. Okay, why did you think he was a psycho? It's never me right.
Speaker 2:Okay, all the emotional growth, it's never me, but it's right it turns out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it doesn't work okay, so you did you recognize that you were just being toxic?
Speaker 2:yeah, I wanted to try it again.
Speaker 1:Okay, it doesn't hit the same, and is that you pushing boundaries with someone else?
Speaker 2:I'm testing them ah, maybe maybe I just push boundaries with men to see if there's very obviously an abandonment thing going on. Yeah, like you know, there's. Anyone who knows me knows this. Um, maybe that was me trying to push and push and push. Yeah, maybe what do you think you do to push boundaries?
Speaker 1:oh yeah, I test the water, but I don't think I've done that for a while because I've not really had anyone to do it to. Yeah, my phone is so dead.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'm at peace with it. You know, take me there. So what I've realized which is why, like I have discovered, I've started saying it's none of your business, Like, because I care, because I care so much about everything, I really care so much about everything I've stopped even even changing, like writing my texts or my emails. Yeah, I'm getting involved in something. It's none of my business. It's also none of my business who the universe is delivering to me. I'm like the trees.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna the trees, I'm not gonna control anything anymore you can't control everything, and if you try and control everything, you're doing yourself a deeper grave yeah, and I was thinking about this because why do people care so much what other people think?
Speaker 1:insecurity, but it's none of your business. Like we all have them, I know. But I've just honestly, guys start saying when you start thinking about what other people are thinking, it's none of your business, it doesn't matter what someone is thinking of you, because you can't control someone else's thoughts. Let it go.
Speaker 2:But would that be different, like in a professional setting? Like you obviously care what your boss thinks of you. You care what your long-standing friends think of you, because you do have a relationship where you care yeah, but I think that's where you implement boundaries as well for your own needs and you know even to the point where this happens to everyone and you don't need to be answering texts on your weekend off.
Speaker 1:No, um, that's just a healthy boundary. A lot of people don't know how to do that and have no boundaries when it comes to like you know. For instance, you're getting emails from production and it's eight o'clock at night in my first I'm not answering you.
Speaker 2:In my first job, which was not in the film and tv industry, but when I was fresh out of uni and I was working business and I'd be, it was business development, so it'd be business like all over the world. Whatever I would be, if I got an email, I would be conscious to the sound of my phone buzzing. I'd keep it on loud for some bizarre reason in the night and I'd wake up at three o'clock to the sound of my phone buzzing. I'd keep it on loud for some bizarre reason in the night and I'd wake up at three o'clock in the morning check my emails like yeah, I mean, and so would I and I'm, I mean, I've learned about work boundaries over the last couple of years.
Speaker 1:You forget a little bit because you're not. You're, uh, you know we didn't work for a while, but then you come back to work and you do have to implement all of these things again. Um, and even for myself, I, I don't, I don't. I make it a point not to text anyone about work stuff after we finished at six o'clock, because that's it, that the working, the it's over. If you're, if you're not getting paid, you shouldn't have to do it.
Speaker 1:But a lot of the time and a lot of people do this continue working after work, answering texts, finishing emails yeah, doing things like that. But you really need to put in healthy boundaries for yourself and hold space for you. Yes, I like that. Yeah, so I'm really learning to hold space for myself in this little protective bubble, which is probably one quite zen, because I'm really learning to hold space for myself in this little protective bubble, which is probably why I'm quite zen, because I'm holding this whole space around me at the moment, which I'm loving, and I've been holding it for the whole week.
Speaker 1:You've been doing well, I've been doing really well and it's so nice to do, but I'm also just not trying to control everything either, even in life, like you, can only do what you can do and you can only do the things that people like. For instance, we didn't have enough people to do fittings or whatever but I can, only I can't succeed and fill everyone's expectations. I can only do my best for what I've been given and that's all I did, and it was great because I took that extra pressure off myself, yeah, and did what I could do with the tools I had.
Speaker 2:As long as you've got a roof over your head. That's obviously professionally speaking, but personally speaking, as long as you've got a roof over your head and food in the fridge, you can only do what makes you happy today, yeah, and everything else is a future problem of your head and food in the fridge. You can only do what makes you happy today, yeah, and everything else is a future problem um.
Speaker 1:So my my question to you. So do you feel like an empath, do you feel? Everyone's feelings because some people emotionally aware.
Speaker 2:I don't think I take on other people's feelings like really feel them, I'm very aware of them, I'm conscious of them, but I'm also a fixer. So even though if I don't feel them so deeply, I want, I don't want them to be in pain or upset, I don't, but I think you have some healthy boundaries around everyone else's needs do you?
Speaker 1:yes, because I I think I like to think more like you in those aspects, because I all of a sudden anyone's need, that they tell me. It's like, oh my God, this person, this poor person, and I actually take it. And then I hold it and what I realized? I had pieces of everyone else's needs stuck with me and I've done it my whole life with my family, with you know, feeling guilty if I haven't been home enough to see people, but I'm actually neglecting myself and not having any rest or doing things for me.
Speaker 2:I think I had a point in me where I was like that generational trauma. Thank you, mummy, and daddy, yes lots of generational trauma and there was a point where I just thought, fuck it, I just need to protect something for me which is really good, I think you're getting there. Yes, you can't have everyone else's shit on you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I am, and it's interesting. It's interesting that I've not done it before, but I'm now like oh right, and also I like overthink everyone else's stuff as if it is my response Everyone's my response. Exactly, it wasn't even anyone else. They weren't thinking it.
Speaker 1:I was thinking it yeah, um, yeah, and then the guilt that comes with it. If I've oh, I've let someone down because I'm doing something for myself, yeah, and actually, like you said, a pressure valve, yeah, if I keep doing everything for everyone else all the time, I make myself ill. But are those people doing the same for you exactly? I do not think so, because I think they were like they didn't even realize that I I was no taking on everyone's responsibilities in my life, which is what I've always done, and it's none of my business, tara. So now I'm like it's not your business. When someone you know says something to me, I'm like okay, well, that's great. Um, you know, sort that out yourself, that's what you're a grown-up that's what people should do that
Speaker 1:is exactly what people should do. And there's me trying to fix the world's problems one at a time, forever, and holding that. So, uh, yeah, I have learned that worrying is worshipping the problem. Yeah, so I sort of now take a step back and think do I really need to be that stressed about this problem? Is it my problem? No, no, it's not, and this attitude is serving me well, correct? Do you like you like? What are you putting first? What do you put first? Do you put your needs first?
Speaker 2:I think I do. I think I'm a very good friend, I think I'm very good at maintaining me and my life and what I need to do to be mentally healthy. Yes, you're holding your own, you're holding space for yourself, except when it comes To boys, to relationships, boys it's like I will give all my money away to men. Yes, if I think you do do that, yeah, I know that's actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this is a valid point. Here you give a lot of money to people. If I've got a 10, I don't know why I don't do that.
Speaker 2:If I've got 10 pounds, my name and someone I'm seeing, you will give them 1000. I'll give them 1000 and you do that because I just feel so bad that but I know money can be made. Money's printed every day. You've just got to find it.
Speaker 1:But why can't they find it?
Speaker 2:exactly.
Speaker 1:It's not my responsibility yeah, it's not my business, it's not. It's not your business and I do you think that's because you've been in a that sort of role from a young age where you've been helping your family no, the money I made when I was 16 to 18.
Speaker 2:I went to Zante on that when I was 18.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay great, but you also have lent people in your family money that never to be seen again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's quite a lot of money.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's true and very unfortunate and then men seems to be men that you lend money to, but why I?
Speaker 2:feel like I need to save them. That's it. I feel like I need to save them.
Speaker 1:I don't care that it's financial, but you want to save them, and your way of doing that is to provide, which is actually what you're always saying, is that you want to be provided for oh so I just find it odd that this might be your block, because what I've discovered about my block in relationships, no one's ever told me that before.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just discovering these things and it seems like you, you can't get financially provided for because you keep taking that role on yourself and it's none of your business. So if you're doing that role, who can do it for you? You're controlling the situation. I'm in my masculine energy yeah, that's but, but you need to be in your feminine energy in that, in that area, if that's what you want to come into your life, I do. I would be very happy, being a trad wife.
Speaker 1:So what I think is we just stop giving money to men, yep, yep. And what I realized is that I control, I try to control my life in in that I want it to go a certain way. So I buy my own house, I go and freeze my own eggs, I do everything that's hyper independent, that's. That actually means I don't hold any space for someone to come in and look after me because, also, I'm taking on everyone's needs and what I do with men as well, like you, I try and like when they need things, I I try and help them with whatever it is that they need help with, and and again, that's my masculine role and I'm supposed to be my feminine role and we're not.
Speaker 1:So what we need to do is actually remember it's none of our business draw a boundary around this masculine energy. Hold some space and literally stop doing what you're doing, because that's what your block is. I can't also.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I also realized my throat chakras were completely closed because I'm so it worries me so much to tell other people what I need, for instance, just the car situation worried about for a whole weekend, just to ask for my own car. And they're like, yeah, of course, of course, what do you mean? Yeah, that's no problem and I'm like, uh, it's me. I'm doing it because I feel responsible for everyone's needs, but I'm not telling anyone what I need and actually what I also have learned at work is to delegate. Yeah, that is fun. So for my support system, which is actually our boss's idea and and it at first I was like what the hell's going on? Everyone is like in their roles and has responsibilities, but it's amazing I've got all these people taking stress off of my plate and that's what happens the higher you go in life, the more you delegate but you have to learn it because you're, as a control freak and someone who is a high achiever.
Speaker 1:You want, you feel that everything is your responsibility and you have to do everything yourself. Yeah, but you don't. You just have to let go of control, delegate, and then people do stuff for you and you are actually. I was able to be so creative this week because all the shit that I usually do and have on top of me.
Speaker 1:I was not doing it even you know the daily log. It's none of my business, none of your business, it's absolutely. I've given a list with everyone's names and you know my senior and my coordinator do that. It's so freeing. I have worked out what I need and it's nice, and delegation is one of those things. Do you find sometimes you're in a conversation or something and someone's doing saying something to you and you react defensively? Yeah, why do you?
Speaker 2:think you do that. I'm just trying to be self-aware for a second, to try and picture it happening again. I only think I'm very defensive with men. I actually think they owe me something, which I know is not the case.
Speaker 1:Okay, unless I'm completely wrong and I'm why do you think that I don't think you're that defensive, right? I think I'm quite a defensive person if I feel like I'm being attacked and usually it's because people are asking something of me that is unreasonable and actually, instead of saying my, my ego gets involved and my ego takes the throne and defends itself, and it's almost like being told I don't. I can't have this many people to work for me because it's not in the budget.
Speaker 1:And I am like, well, I can't do it, then it's not possible. But actually, instead of taking a step back and going, ok, well, then I'll do what I can with what you're asking, but if I can't fulfill the needs of what you're saying, I can only do what you're asking me to do with the tools that you're giving me or the money that you're giving me, and realizing that's really freeing because I was taking everything on board personally, like the weight of the world is always on my shoulders and it's not. There are grown-ups who are above me and it's actually on them but why do you take things so personally?
Speaker 1:because I have to be the best, okay, and I didn't. I don't realize. I feel like it's personally my problem to solve and it's not.
Speaker 2:Everyone else's shit.
Speaker 1:Everyone else's shit Is your personal problem to solve, Tara? What are your boundaries with yourself?
Speaker 2:I definitely have some non-negotiables to keep me on track and maintain, like my mental health and stability. Like my mental health and stability, like I can't let myself dip my toes into the pool of toxicity because that will just send me on a spiral. And is that pool alcohol related? Yeah, I was talking to someone who invited me to Ibiza and I said I can't even go to. Ibiza for a free trip to Ibiza and I can't do it because that's just not good for me. And who I am right now?
Speaker 1:it depends what ibiza you're going to, because there's a really spiritual part of ibiza. Yeah, I don't think it's that part. Yeah, oh, there's the really really high energy, toxic part of ibiza I think it's party party party.
Speaker 2:It's party party party part of ibiza. Um, I need my um, like my david lloyd, I need my pilates membership. I need a matcha latte. I need to go on my walk. These are great. Those my, that's, those my boundaries.
Speaker 1:These, these, this is your. These are your. These are your. This is your. Terry's chocolate orange.
Speaker 2:These are your segments.
Speaker 1:That is all my segments this is what makes you whole that's my personality is matcha lattes and pilates yeah, but I love that and mine is also very similar, like juices, yoga, yoga, swimming swimming grounding outside grounding, putting my feet into the ground. It is so nice to do that. Um, I've also realized I really like water and I think that's why I'm always in the bath you've been talking about water for six weeks every episode.
Speaker 2:Carly, you've been talking about water, have I every?
Speaker 1:episode. I really like water. I didn't know how much I loved it, but actually when I go swimming I actually shed my day. Do you like going to the sea? I love the sea. It's water, it's a body of water. I love getting in the sea. It's great, it's so nice. But also I think you're good at communicating your needs to others. Just not well. You are actually With men.
Speaker 2:I think you hold it off for ages and then, and then you do it and then I tolerate them not hearing me and I'll go back and again, and again, and again and again until the pressure valve goes explodes and I don't think I do that.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm actually quite cutthroat. If with my, actually my boundaries with men are really good, they are one and done, yeah oh no, I keep going back, yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't. I don't because it's bad if it feels. So, basically, I listen to my gut a lot more and my intuition. That is our gift, and if it's making me feel a certain way, I now listen to it. I don. Does your own anxiety talk to you? Well, if I get it, something's wrong, and that means I need to create a boundary because my pressure valve is about to go. So I know I need to speak and so I journaling obviously we talked about that, yeah, and I have to write, write down, just start writing to figure out what the fuck it is, and then I now resolve the problem by speaking. I'm like oh, it's that, I can't cope with that you know, to the person that I'm having an issue with.
Speaker 1:That's good, yeah, and you know, even having the conversations cause anxiety, but once they're out I feel so much better. It's always better out than in. Yeah, and it's healthy and at the moment I feel like all my throat chakra's cleared. Uh, I'm holding space, everything's good and I feel very zen and you're smiling, so and I keep smiling and you I'm freaking you out with how much I'm smiling, I know because I'm just.
Speaker 1:I think, as humans, we take life too seriously. Yeah, we do. Life's not that deep and and we should concentrate a bit more on our spiritual side. Agreed, because humans make life serious and all the things that were stuck all over me are other people's problems and and once I realized they're not my problem.
Speaker 1:Every day this week I've I've practiced that healthily and really thought about is this my business? I don't think it is, so I'm not getting involved and I'm not taking it on, and it's great on that note who has the power to influence your back, your boundaries?
Speaker 2:is there anyone in your life that you think shit? They could really do a number on this.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, my family, they take priority, yeah, all the time. But sorry, I've got my throat. It's because my throat chakra is cleared. Yeah, keeps clearing. Um, I think I take, like I just they can make me feel a certain way of guilt or anything, and I don't think they even mean to. I think it's again me thinking everything's my responsibility, yeah, and um, certainly like I feel guilty if I don't go home every, every other weekend.
Speaker 2:I'm like, oh god, does anyone make you feel like that, or is that just you taking?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's me it's actually me and um one of our friends, samara, said I was like oh, I'm not gonna go home this weekend. She was like yeah, you went home the other weekend.
Speaker 2:I was like I know I go every other weekend. Yeah, I do feel like you go a lot.
Speaker 1:I go a lot, though, because I have like my mom obviously is incredibly important to me. As you know, my mom suffered from a brain aneurysm, um, which has left her with a? Um, a leg that doesn't work, and I take a lot of that on and I'm like worry about my mom because I'm like is she, is she a lot of that on? And I'm like worry about my mum because I'm like is she, is she doing stuff in the week when I'm not there? Is she going out on the weekend? She's probably not doing anything and if I go home I can make her do stuff. But again, it's not my responsibility, no, and you know she needs to do stuff for herself. And also I feel guilty if I haven't seen my niece and nephew, but what I've realized is they are having a happy life, their needs are all met and they've got great parents and they are fine, and they don't really realize that it's been a couple of weeks or whatever. No, and I'll see them and it will be great. But what do you need?
Speaker 2:exactly. So what, never? What do you need right now, carly?
Speaker 1:yeah, well, this is what I'm trying to say. I need some space. Well, I'm trying to, I just need no. So I just basically, I always feel like time's limited, I've got to do everything. And also my granddad, you know he's in a home, he's got dementia and I know my time is limited with him, so I do prioritize that you know, I want to mention here, and I feel I feel, so bad that I don't spend enough time with him but I do because I don't.
Speaker 1:I want to know that by the time he goes, I've I've not neglected that relationship and I've seen him as much as I can and I love seeing him like. It fills my heart. And bear in mind he cannot remember two minutes later that I've been there. He literally can't remember how old he is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he knows he knows me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he like he loves it when I come to visit and I have so much joy in those couple of hours. My granddad like we play cards because he knows how to play cards even though his memory's not there and he knows who I am and we have all this fun and he just laughs and that makes me so happy that I've been able to do that in that hour. No idea, we've been there straight after, not a clue we've been, but it's deep down but I'm like.
Speaker 1:I know that he's showing these healthy emotions, yeah, at the time, and it makes me really happy to and and selfishly, that is for me, because I want all these memories.
Speaker 2:For me, when he's gone, it's not selfish, because again, you're giving yourself what you need and yes, so, yes.
Speaker 1:So when I do see him, yeah, I do meet my needs and, um, it's the same with my uh niece and nephew. Like I love seeing them and they fill my cup as well, but I just can't do it so much when I'm at work.
Speaker 1:No, because again, that takes over, and and it takes over everything, yeah, and there's no time to do anything for me when I spend the whole weekend down there. And it makes me quite stressed when I get back and I've had no, no time in my own house and everything's piled up. I've got to go straight back to work.
Speaker 2:So when it is just you in your house. Do you listen to anything or are you in silence? Because I don't know if this is a trauma response. I know I just find myself in silence, carly. No, that's nice though, isn't it. No, but I don't know why Is your brain silent? Yeah, and I want really nice, but I want silence. I don't want a podcast on, I don't want music on yeah, but that's, that's filling one of your needs but then I think, why am I so?
Speaker 1:that's great, tara, that's a gift oh no, I've got ADHD brain, haven't I? So I there's no silence up here. There's no silence up here. But I've learned, um, yeah, these little things of space. Like I'm pretty zen when you got here, which you're concerned about because I'm not crazy, but I've just been reading a book, and actually reading the book, in the garden, in the sun, and that's what. I did not think about anything else or check anything else on my phone. And, yeah, I also did a full cleanse where it was extreme, it was horrible. In fact, I will not be doing it for a while no salt, no sugar, no dairy, no processed food, no onion, no garlic, no spice. You couldn't eat anything.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, but like plain rice, vegetables, white, plain fish, boiled eggs, nuts and dates, anyway. So as soon as I've gone back to eating, I have these rashes all over my body which you've just seen, my back I think you need no, I think this is a full reaction of of the amount.
Speaker 1:I then went x excess and and no caffeine. And then I excessively had sugar, salt, caffeine, everything I wasn't allowed actually toxic immediately. And I actually got a McDonald's and threw it up immediately, like about half an hour after I ate it. I knew it, it was not gonna go down and I threw it all up and I was like aha, bad, don't do that to yourself. Well, and that's playing with toxicness, isn't it pushing boundaries with yourself? Ah, there we go. That's what I did. I pushed a boundary because I went extreme one way, I went extremely back the other way and now I'm back to balance. I'm like no, no, you can have a like a chocolate bar a day. You do not need 15 coffees and actually I don't really need caffeine.
Speaker 2:I was talking to another psycho ex yeah, because I'm not the problem and he said and obviously we're quite similar in this regard he goes. He literally made it out like it's a problem, and I know it's not a problem. He goes the problem with you is you're all one way or the other. So literally like 15 coffees or no coffees, yeah, but two bottles of wine, wine, three bottles of wine yeah, yeah, yeah or nothing at all yeah, but one, it's not a problem.
Speaker 2:Two, what do you mean? He basically called me a leper for having to talk about the fact that I'm not drinking and go fuck himself a leper yeah, but he doesn't understand the concept. What is a leper? I think it's a skin condition. Leprosy, yeah it's that.
Speaker 1:That's when someone had to hide from the world because they had leprosy and they were called a leper.
Speaker 2:We could think that's the case, right. But well, he called you a leper. I need to know. Well, I don't, I don't know. Okay, he's actually correct right okay, yeah, um, anyway. But it's the point of he doesn't understand why some people can't moderate. Oh well, then he's ignorant. No, but that's exactly what you were talking about. Oh, what do you mean? You said you blacked out, then, didn't you?
Speaker 1:you were talking about learning not to have like 15 coffees, or oh well, no, I just went extremely one way because I yeah, I I did not understand like I was rebelling, that I had that I did a cleanse on myself and so I rebelled back.
Speaker 1:But it was quite but it was stupid, it was such an extreme yeah so, and and I was told, for this cleanse you have to then gently eat. After I immediately put hot sauce on my food, like the minute I was allowed and I was told, you know, by by the person in charge of the cleanse, like what are you doing? You can't do that ring a fire.
Speaker 1:No, it's fine actually, but then then a few days later, my stomach, from the build-up of eating the crap again, yeah, was not fine. And then I was like aha, lesson learned. Uh, which is quite funny that that's me being like a rebellious child. I can't always do as I'm told no, and some things we can't grow out of. Yeah, and I love my inner child and I'm really learning to bring that out more, but also I still do need to be a responsible adult and look after myself.
Speaker 2:I don't think anyone's an actual adult.
Speaker 1:Everyone's winging it, yeah I love it yeah, they are, but but also just don't just take the stress out of it with and be like fuck it. Yeah, life's not that deep. Yeah, what are the healthy boundaries everyone could implement in their life, like some basic boundaries that you think can help people on a daily?
Speaker 2:On the daily. Obviously, I'm not a healthcare professional, I'm just one gal trying to get by in the big bad world. Well, I think learning to say no is huge. Yes, which is really hard, because even if you're not a people pleaser, there's just this pressure.
Speaker 1:A need to please.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and also just a pressure to try and do the right thing by other people, because that's what we're taught in society to be a good person well, yeah, that's how I feel.
Speaker 1:I take everyone's responsibility exactly.
Speaker 2:I think it's okay to say no, that's my one takeaway. Yeah, what's yours?
Speaker 1:I think it's okay to say what you need from other people and not feel bad about that. Yeah correct, which is interesting. Didn't know that was a thing.
Speaker 2:Do you feel like there's you can say what you need to your friends, or there's certain people I feel? Like I'm learning to do that now Is that you've never been able to do that to the whole group of people in your life.
Speaker 1:I just didn't really think much of it. I just didn't really think about what I needed to ask anyone.
Speaker 2:Then do you think why? I would think, why is my problem their problem?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:But also that's because that's how we take on everyone else's problems. I definitely do, and so I thought, think, I think, oh god, I take on all these people's burdens. I don't want to burden people, but actually you can still ask for your needs to be met and how, yeah, you can be helped and actually people can accommodate that and they're willing to do. You care what other people think of me? Yeah, does that come to you quite often, like, and actually maybe, on that note, when you've, when you're say, setting a boundary, do you, do you then worry what that, what other people are thinking, or um?
Speaker 2:no, because I know, if I have to outwardly say something quite bluntly to set a boundary, I think they're taking the piss, because I think I'm a quite reasonable, reasonable and very flexible person yeah so if I turn around and say no, I think that I don't feel bad because I think there's a lot of give on my side anyway, which I'm fine with because I am quite reasonable and flexible.
Speaker 1:I think oh you are. You put all of my wildness into categories for me all the time yeah, so I write you a million notes for our podcast and you list it all into questions that we should actually talk about yeah so I think, if I have, to, which is really nice of you. Thank you. Give and take, yeah, it's a roundabouts.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is about what I said from the start. Um, so if I actually have to set a boundary with someone, no, I don't feel bad, because I think they're taking the piss yeah because I know I'm not an unreasonable person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I would also say, like, don't to not let people stress you out. Just take a minute to think why you're being stressed and actually, is it because you're doing things that are none of your business and you're doing too much? And if you are, don't, don't think about it, no, don't do the things that are stressing you out, just yeah but that's so much easier said than done that.
Speaker 1:I know, but I'm really practicing it and I'm like, oh okay, well, actually I, as long as you're doing the best you can do, yeah, that is all you should be doing. You can't. You're not superhuman, you're human.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna you reverse the question you just asked me. Do you care or do you feel stress or worry when you implement boundaries?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really worry about them, you're maybe like no, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, I know and I think that's really and I know that about you I've got quite a few friends who are really good at that, like Amber. She's just like like, yeah, I don't care. Well, why would I care? And I'm like why do I care? But I do. I worry so much about my own, like sharing my own boundaries. I worry about creating boundaries.
Speaker 2:I don't know why what is the worry that I'm gonna hurt someone's feelings.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, that I'm gonna hurt someone else's feelings and I don't want to do that. And actually what often happens is it comes out then I fulfill everyone's needs yeah, which don't fulfill my own, because I've set no boundaries for my health, and I end up doing like coming up with microaggression and microaggressions aren't very nice. Oh no, and that's fully because I just hadn't said what I need at the beginning.
Speaker 2:And you probably get frustrated and you don't know how to communicate. Yeah and I'm lost.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So the projection comes out, the pressure valve starts spitting all over the place and it's like no, like, no, no, no, like. Let's empty the. Let's empty the tank and start from the beginning, and then use your words and say what you need and actually only do what you can, without it being too much.
Speaker 2:And I actually feel like we're living in a, in a time, more than ever, that people are aware of their own needs and therefore others. So it's okay to say it, because people are thinking about their own needs.
Speaker 1:So if you say I need this, they're cool with it, whereas I'm like oh, you need that, you need that, oh, you need that, you need that. Okay, right, I'll do that, I'll do that, I'll do that. I'm doing this for everyone, everyone else, and I'm just fully lost who I am or what I need. Stress, yeah. So, like, like that's my big lesson of 2024 at the moment, like, and I love it, say what you need, say what I need, and do things for myself.
Speaker 2:I think investing in yourself is. If you're not going to invest in yourself, who else is is? If you're not going to invest in yourself, who else is exactly? I couldn't give a crap about buying things, material possessions. That's not what fills my cup. I need to live a good life. What a way to end yeah, so that's it really. Yeah, I think I've I've said all that I can say on boundaries. Do you and?
Speaker 1:fuck everyone else. Well, just mind your own business. That is it, I think, do you?
Speaker 2:think we just sounded passive, aggressive, no no, no, I think it's great Thanks for listening.
Speaker 1:See you next time, okay.