Drunk Girls Gone Sober
Surviving Summer Socials and Toxic F*ck Boys
Ever felt trapped between the demands of work, life, and dating while battling burnout and illness? We've been there, and this episode is all about navigating those treacherous waters.
Staying sober in social situations, especially during the summer, can be tough, but we've got you covered. From using apps to find non-alcoholic activities to engaging in alternative practices like Reiki and breath work, we'll share strategies to help you maintain your well-being. Plus, we'll recount our experiences with toxic relationships, highlighting red flags and emphasizing self-worth. It's all about emotional maturity and self-awareness as we navigate the dating minefield together. Tune in for a candid, engaging episode filled with valuable insights and personal stories.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Ever felt trapped between the demands of work, life, and dating while battling burnout and illness? We've been there, and this episode is all about navigating those treacherous waters.
Staying sober in social situations, especially during the summer, can be tough, but we've got you covered. From using apps to find non-alcoholic activities to engaging in alternative practices like Reiki and breath work, we'll share strategies to help you maintain your well-being. Plus, we'll recount our experiences with toxic relationships, highlighting red flags and emphasizing self-worth. It's all about emotional maturity and self-awareness as we navigate the dating minefield together. Tune in for a candid, engaging episode filled with valuable insights and personal stories.
Thank you so much for your support and for listening to us. please click the follow button if you like us and leave us some feedback in the comments below! we will be back every Thursday with a new episode.
Hey everyone, hey guys, happy Saturday, are we happy? We have had such a long week, we are tired, we're struggling a bit, I was for sure.
Speaker 2:I think I'm feeling burnout.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm feeling burnout. I've already been ill, tara's already been ill, and then it's come back round and it's got me again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, everyone's been sick. I feel like I've got too much on my plate. I'm snapping at people. We're working all the hours under the sun. Yeah, life, life balance.
Speaker 1:Life, work balance isn't.
Speaker 2:It's very hard when you're working way too much yeah, and it's been such nice weather and we've not been able to enjoy it properly no, which brings us on to sober summer, which is what we're going to talk about this episode is sober summer tips, which carly is more versed in than I am, which I'll get onto because I just can't do it.
Speaker 2:Sash want to go out and enjoy the sun and then also fuck boys, because when there's good weather, there's just fuck boys, like flies everywhere, like flies to shit. Yeah, exactly, have you got a confession of the week? Oh right, a confession, um, I mean, work's pretty much taken over so there's been not much time to do any stupid activities, apart from I did with someone at work. It spent many hours and it's just so exposed this podcast is so exposing spent many hours making a really really great fake instagram account, but that's it.
Speaker 1:It's not exciting why are you making a fake instagram?
Speaker 2:account. It was more for her than me, I was just the comply. What's the word?
Speaker 1:accomplice, accomplice oh right, okay, the accomplice yeah, I don't know I don't know that's it right. So you've made a fake Instagram account or you've assisted just another one for someone to what?
Speaker 2:stalk someone. Yeah, it was necessary. Right, it's a necessary action, but just another one. I've already got the burner phone. I've already got three other fake instagram accounts, but this one. We've real time and effort in this making looking real, wow, but that's it. Okay, everything else is same shit different day. What about you?
Speaker 1:I was so tired this week that we had a massive day on friday and I could not sleep because I got ill again. And, um, when my alarm went off, I hit snooze but it wasn't snooze to turn my alarm off, guys and woke up like 15 minutes before I was supposed to be at work. So it's the worst feeling in the world when you wake up and you're like, oh my God, anyway, I text my team. I was like, guys, I've not pressed snooze, I've just pressed stop because I'm that tired. So I was a bit late for work, but you know what it was still good and you walked in looking really great.
Speaker 2:Thanks, yeah, it's funny.
Speaker 1:It. Yeah, it's funny, it's on the one.
Speaker 2:You got the clothes ready yeah, before, it was really easiest way to be dressed for work. Um, anyway, yeah, it is hot, it's hot. It's finally summer, and this makes it tricky for us sober girls. Sober gang, a sober gang. I have never, um, done sobriety through summertime. In the winter it was easy, because you just don't go out, it's dark and it's cold and you just hibernate, yeah, and so this is a whole new well experience for both of us. But I just can't do it. I don't like going out, and maybe I'm using work as an excuse. Oh, that's another thing. I've just put so much on my plate and I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I've realized it's because I'm making myself too busy to think about you, can't?
Speaker 1:do your segments. You can't do your terry's chocolate orange. No, I can't. You have to do the segments people I have, but she's overwhelmed she's overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Overwhelmed, overworked and understaffed. We're talking about save the summer and fuck boys, and fuck boys, and we're out here trying to make it as in, strong, independent women, yeah, and they're now relying on us. This is a huge gripe that I have, carly. All men are like passenger princesses in in our lives.
Speaker 1:Do you want to elaborate on passenger princesses?
Speaker 2:yeah, so rather than okay. So my first ex-boyfriend couldn't drive, so and I was the driver and that I didn't want to say that's why we broke up, but it was. It just really pissed me off like big time. Why am I driving him around all the time? I did really love him, but, point aside, he just got in the car, he chose the song on the radio like he just enjoyed the ride, lovely. But that's what I mean with fuck boys. So many men these days and I probably am just generalizing and there are probably men listening and when I say men, just like guys that are just so interested and want to know what I'm doing with my life, psychos, stalkers, um, that are just willing to enjoy the ride on us. Do you not think that?
Speaker 1:yeah, actually I do. I get a lot of that. I always think so. I start dating someone and then they start asking me for things, yeah, and then. And then it's just like why they start oh, can you do this for me? Can you do this? I'm not your mother.
Speaker 2:Men are meant to be the providers. Yeah, and I'm so willing to step into, as in the generalized.
Speaker 1:We would like to be in the general roles of feminine, masculine.
Speaker 2:Would love that, and I don't need a man to give me all his money, no, um, I just need to know that he can provide more than happy to work one to two days a week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think two days, I didn't. Yeah, two days, maybe three a week. A three-day week is perfect. I think everyone is a three-day week perfect in life yeah, it's too hard otherwise.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just and um, I just feel like I'm bitching a bit now.
Speaker 1:I don't want to, but I've got a lot of friends at the moment who aren't asking specific questions when they're going on. Dates Won't name them, but girls, you must ask the three questions. What are the three questions? What are you looking for? Oh, I don't do that, yeah. So so many people, so many people that I know go. I'm like, well, you've asked them what they're looking for. Basically, first thing, first things. Guys, if you want to avoid the fuck boy, is you know, find out, you're on the same page and you're both looking for the same thing. Loads of girls are so scared, which is why why are you scared?
Speaker 2:to ask what someone's looking for. I think it's scared of rejection because a lot of guys and a lot of guys feel like they're being cornered in.
Speaker 1:It's the most bizarre concept, but not being funny, but if they, if they are serious and they know what they're looking for there's, they wouldn't feel cornered because they have the answer. Like you, you, just honesty is the best policy. That leave that goes to the fuck boys. There are no serious men out there?
Speaker 2:well, that's not true. You just honesty is the best policy. That goes to the fact, boys, there are no serious men out there.
Speaker 1:Well, that's not true. You just. If you're not asking the question, there's a reason why you aren't asking the question.
Speaker 1:Or maybe I'm not looking for a serious man, or maybe you're not looking. But one of my friends was dating this guy and started to really like him and they're like I don't know nine dates in. And like I don't know nine dates in. I'm like, okay, have you still asked him what he's looking for yet? Oh, no, no, I haven't asked him that yet. What, why? What happens is they end up really liking the guy, then saying the question uh, with the guy then skirting around it, oh well, uh, you know, I'll just see how it goes, um, um or can't answer the question. There's your answer. It's so simple. Also, like that should be one of your first things if, if you're looking for something, but even if you're not guys, if you're looking for something fun, you can still ask the question we're blinded by feelings, though, aren't we?
Speaker 2:and women? I don't have that problem. I ask what people are looking for. Women fall in love a lot quicker, and men fall in love. Women fall in love through oxytocin, which happens through sex, which obviously happens when you're dating someone, and if you're not asking those questions and you're fucked, then you fall in love. And then men fall in love through. Vasopressin is the hormone, and you know how vasopressin is released in the man's brain Stress. Oh good, so you just stress them out, right?
Speaker 1:Okay. Well, I don't really know how that works. I've been doing that for years. Just stress people out yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, I do know.
Speaker 1:I also have some guy mates and they've gone along with stuff and they've not known what they're looking for, but they said I don't know. Anyway, it then gets to a point and what's actually got them into going oh actually, no, I really like this girl is the girl saying look, basically we may not end up together in six months, but I need to know that you're in this to give it a go, just you and I. And if you're not, let's just leave it.
Speaker 1:and often enough, well, that's quite solid, so simple as well, because you get your answer either way, ladies, but don't get to a point where you're like in love with the guy and you still haven't found out what he does or if he lives in the country or if what he does is actually correct and true, yeah, often. Uh, you know, I've had people tell me they work or have certain companies and it turns out they just work somewhere else entirely there are liars. I can't bear it.
Speaker 2:So don't mislead me and don't lie I think some men really like to put their best foot forward. But we're um. Women are top investigators, top investigators just don't bother.
Speaker 1:And also one tiny white lie at the beginning.
Speaker 2:You're creating a whole thread of things that we're going to pull out, pull out and then it's over.
Speaker 1:So I'd rather people just be honest from the get-go either way. So my top thing to pick out a fuckboy is to just ask what they're looking for straight away. Then everyone's on the same page. It doesn't matter, it doesn't make you needy, it just makes you aware.
Speaker 2:And if you have got into a relationship with someone who you thought was great and he does actually turn into a fuck boy, that happens too yeah, and then that's not as long as you've done everything right, because they lie.
Speaker 1:But do you know what the the girls, the games girls play with this anxiety of? Oh, I just don't want to ask. I don't want to ask, I'll see, keep where um, see where it's going. The guy already knows, just ask him. We're very different. We all think females often think that they can, um, oh, yeah, but I can change him. I've been the one of these girls, by the way, so I've done it too many times.
Speaker 2:I think I still am.
Speaker 1:I keep breaking up the same guy and still aren't right, yeah, okay, so this has been a few weeks now, tara, yeah, but you finish your point, what were you gonna say about changing? But I've done it, I've learned over like I've, I've gone with the flow and been the cool girl and you know, and oh, let's see what happens uh only to like, really get the feelings, and then it's still be the same outcome.
Speaker 1:You can't. They already know from the beginning. So you may as well just ask them. You, what you want to be is just be on the same page. And also, if you guys, if you want kids, ask them if they want kids.
Speaker 2:For god's sake, it's a big one no, I, I did that and I got lied to. You did that last september and I got lied to. Yeah, I think guy like this is what I mean. Fuck boys, come in all different packer size shapes, packaging.
Speaker 1:What you don't want to do is get married to them after they've told that, like you've not. I actually know someone who has not asked the question about kids and married them and then found out you're joking, yeah that they don't want kids and they do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but why did either of them not ask the question?
Speaker 1:I have no idea. Communication is key. People communicado, communicado. Did they get divorced? Not yet um I don't know, yeah, but but like I just much rather know where I stand is so easy, like, don't be fearful of questions, ask, ask them. So that's your first and second what they're looking for. Do they want kids?
Speaker 2:and third, don't. Let. Don't let them um string you along, because that goes hand in hand with the lies. Because if they say, if you say like I want that, I want x, y and z, and they just say I just hate one day at a time yeah, also hate that like but up to eight months later yeah, no, no, no, no, one day at a time.
Speaker 1:Go do that with someone else.
Speaker 2:I don't plan, I just take each day as it comes. Is that you or are you?
Speaker 1:saying the guy does. No, this is what a guy has said to me. Yeah, well, it's so boring, but do you know what? We must learn these lessons to then go on to tell other people to not do these things. Then the third thing find out what they do and make sure they aren't lying to you find out their net worth, their net income, their job salary.
Speaker 2:Linkedin is your best friend.
Speaker 1:I mean, you can investigate these things, which is why it's an error when someone tries to tell you who they are. I've also had someone like copy my language that makes you fall in love with them. Yeah and I'm sorry that. Are you sadistic?
Speaker 2:I used to that. I used to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, cool great, well, there you go, tara's your other. I yeah, I don't do games?
Speaker 2:no, but I used to do it on a date to see they mirrored me. I knew they fancied me, got ya yeah, it was more than not testing them, but testing the situation?
Speaker 1:I think so. I was dating a guy and then, like on the third date, he told me that he'd been mirroring me to make me comfortable. That, honestly, was the biggest turnoff.
Speaker 2:That's psychotic, I'm like are you fucking crazy.
Speaker 1:No thanks, goodbye. Um also, guys recently haven't dated. Hate the dating apps.
Speaker 1:Hate the dating apps at the moment because no one's who they say they are and people really don't look like talking to the sky for two weeks. Um, you know, very attractive for me, totally my type in the pictures. Um, ask the questions, looking for the same thing once kids. I ask these questions before I go on dates because I don't really care. I'm like it's not that I'm desperate, it's that I don't want to waste my time. And then I arranged to go on a date and I I look at his story and for some reason he's not put his story up before and he does not look like his pictures.
Speaker 2:He knew his angles when he was sending the pictures that was not even angles, they, it was a.
Speaker 1:It was filtered and colors were changed tan was changed, eye color was changed weight was changed.
Speaker 2:It's like you went to mexico and obtained a new identity. Yeah, honestly.
Speaker 1:I'm just so bored of it.
Speaker 2:Just, guys, be who you are and girls, be who you are come on maybe that's through insecurity and being hurt.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but no, it's not, it's actually illegal to it's actually now illegal judge to use a false identity and represent yourself as someone who you're not when dating. Has no one watched Baby Reindeer? Well, anyway, people do that, don't they? So you know, blocked and deleted, because that's not how on earth would I know who you are when I get there and you're not the person in the pictures? Stop catfishing. It's weird, do?
Speaker 2:you think you know how? The girls have obviously seen this person and we all gave our input and said this is not the same. Yeah, do you think the reverse happens, like our picture has been shown to other people, like think about that yeah, 100, how many? Strangers have seen our face.
Speaker 1:I don't mind, because I look like that. You do the pictures.
Speaker 2:I still look the same but isn't that a crazy concept? There's people that we don't even know, that we don't even know exist. Have seen our face? No, our name.
Speaker 1:No things about us what's that saying? Your name's already been whispered in rooms that you've not been in yet. It's great I love it. It means the universe does magical things. What it doesn't do is, you know, false identify and lie. And I don't want to be catfished and therefore I'm not using dating apps anymore. I'm actually listen. I'm going to meet a person in front of me or not? Are you going out? I'm going out. I'm going out today. You are.
Speaker 2:Should we talk about Sober Summer then?
Speaker 1:Sober Summer out. They're going out today, you are. Should we talk about sober summer then? So so so tara really struggles with sober summer, and so she, she chooses, um, as a sober person, not to go out at all yeah, which I've. I've only just realized I've been doing what I've known, you've been doing this like the whole year.
Speaker 2:Yeah I know, but it's only just clocked, so it's like I've made myself busy, busy, busy, busy, like on the weekends, like we've got this yeah, my course yeah, and then I get so annoyed with people asking for my time.
Speaker 2:Like I told you before, yeah, I'm like I just need some like time for me to decompress. I don't want to go to the pub because I'll drink. It's nice weather, it's summer, it's a trigger. I just realise I can't do it. I don't enjoy it. I actually find people boring, right yeah, okay, I hear you so.
Speaker 1:I'm more of a. I resent the fact that I couldn't go out. So I do like to go out and I like to drink non-alcoholic beverages. So I drink the non-alcoholic um beverages. So I drink the non-alcoholic beers when I'm out, which actually suits me fine.
Speaker 2:And there are summer triggers though what if everyone else is around you? Okay, you're in the sun, it's a nice beer garden or you're a nice rooftop. Everyone else is drinking, they're having a great time. They're about to get onto a different level to you. Then how are you feeling? Because I can't do that okay.
Speaker 1:Firstly, you need to judge how you're feeling on that day, because every day is different and you know like right now you're overly tired and you're overwhelmed with life so you could just start crying oh, I do, but what you could? But you're like I think when you're, when you're too, you're more likely to drink, to fall into it, because it's way more tempting when I'm under a lot of pressure and stress, that would be easy for me to go and drink. So I do have to judge it, how I feel. But I also have to pick certain situations or types of people to be with. Um, be with your most if you're going to do the sober summer thing. Be with people that you're most relaxed, with safe people, safe, safe people like your besties, who know you inside out and also who will help you if you're needing that drink.
Speaker 2:And not a person that'll say, oh, I'll just have a drink then.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hate those people. Yeah, they're not your friends. No, but when I first was being sober, I had friends, because actually I think people were so used to me going out and drinking and they're like oh, my God you're so boring, why aren't you drinking?
Speaker 1:Be fun, oh, shut up. But I hate those. For them, they're not taking it as seriously as I am because they think I'm like a fun drunk and I'm just having a great time. But for me, after the aftermath, not worth it, no, and um, that's why we are sober. But we've got to navigate this summer and, as we all know, when I went to greece, the first hint of sun I drank, guys, because I was under a lot of stress and pressure, um, even under the stresses of work and I my confession last week was that I needed, I needed a bottle of wine.
Speaker 1:I ordered it and I didn't drink it but this week's a bit different because I'm like, oh no, I really want to make the most of the weekend because our time is so precious, and if I do do the drinking thing, I've ruined my whole weekend. Last weekend I had the best time with my family and I went to a retreat and had Reiki, and you did all the good things for yourself and I did all the good things for myself. Like honestly, though, I'm not sure I'd recommend that the day before the biggest day of shooting but I can't believe how calm you were that day.
Speaker 2:I went into work thinking this is going to be hectic, like mentally preparing, and you were floating around that room, Carly, floating on air.
Speaker 1:Nothing could touch you. Oh, so maybe it was good for me there. But it was yeah, it was crazy. We had like 250 people. We had to get ready. It was a really, really big filming day. But do you know what?
Speaker 1:it was managed in military style and it was really went really well, like we had a plan of how we were going to get this done and that works.
Speaker 1:But the day before which is another suggestion for summer stuff if you can't do the social drinking but you still want to do nice things these retreat days are all over the place. So many people do them now, um, and I went to one which was reiki and breath work and it was beautiful and it was in this amazing house in the cotswolds. There was a hot tub, there was an ice bath. I couldn't do it. I could not get in the ice bath. I tried twice. I can't do that and I I thought I was gonna cry or have a panic attack. So I don't know if ice bath. I tried twice. I can't do that and I I thought I was gonna cry or have a panic attack. So I don't know if ice baths are for everyone because it's not as healing or carly as it is yeah, and I was really annoyed because the rest of the group managed like they did do it.
Speaker 1:But I was thinking I don't want to feel absolutely horrific in the in a moment where I actually think my bones are gonna freeze to death. But some people, you know, really up for the ice baths.
Speaker 2:I've done it for like one second dip at the spa and not the same.
Speaker 1:It's not an ice bath, that's a plunge pool oh yeah, so I was comparing it to the plunge pool that I have been in, and that's when I think it shocks me to my core is it colder colder oh it's dangerous.
Speaker 1:Like you cannot, your bones feel like they're about to shatter in the water athletes do them yeah, yeah yeah, you're not an athlete, carly no, I know that, but, but, but they're really good for you and but I, I mentally wasn't prepared. So she did all this breath work for it before we went into the ice bath and well, that went out the window for me I was like no, no, no, no no, I need to get out.
Speaker 2:I need to get out I don't know if a hyperventilating, but I want to.
Speaker 1:It's now something on my list that I need to conquer because I'm fuming. But when I got back, I went in back into the plunge pool and I was like, well, this isn't hard, the plunge pool is no. Was like, well, this isn't hard, the plunge pool is no longer hard. It's small steps. So you know, maybe it's a build up, but, honestly, my body went into shock. I thought I was going to die immediately.
Speaker 1:Immediately, your body's going no, no, no, we don't like this, we're not supposed to be in here, get out. So yeah, that is what I did.
Speaker 2:I couldn't do it.
Speaker 1:But now you can do the plunge pool and, yeah, sometimes, but still not for three minutes.
Speaker 2:So I went in the plunge pool and I did 45 seconds sometimes we don't have to aim for perfection, we just have to aim for improvement yes, I like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so again, it comes with everything in life aiming for improvement. It can apply to everything. So that was something that I did and you know, maybe that's a bit like drinking guys. So Laetara can't fully go to, let's say, a festival. But you start with little things like a one-on-one with a friend in the sun having a nice lunch, and when you get that urge to drink, I honestly say just go for a non-alcoholic thing. That will give you a placebo effect. But I think back to the summer, sober, like when you're going out. What I would say, tara, is if you're getting bored of them. So I've tried to focus when I I think it's very uncomfortable when you go in right when you're going out in bigger groups.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you should zone in on one conversation with one person, because I think it's really uncomfortable at first do you find it uncomfortable?
Speaker 2:um, very overwhelming. I thought, yeah, very overwhelming. I much prefer, even in general now, smaller social situations. Yeah me too, and I find that I'm a lot more present. I get a lot more out of them and you can actually talk to the person that you're with, rather than loads of superficial comments and conversations flying around. I get nothing out of that. Maybe that's it. Maybe I find superficial conversations really boring.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's not the person yeah, okay, but but in that situation you can just actually just so you have to segment everything, take it into smaller segments of a really large group and then just start with one person and catch up with that one person. Like I'm going to a meal and I know I'll be at a table with loads of people, so whoever I'm sat near, I'm gonna enjoy that person's company. And also it does help if you're going somewhere for good food, because you can choose the food over the drink often enough. Don't know if you found this when you used to go out for meals if you were drinking, you skipped the meal, yeah enough. I don't know if you found this when you used to go out for meals if you were drinking, you skipped the meal. Yeah, it was. You just don't eat the food liquid dinner.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and me and my friends used to say the day is pregnant, like there's so many opportunities and so much, so much possibility I love that, but why can't we still have that whilst being sober? I've never said it since being sober, but you can the day is pregnant, the day is pregnant, the day is full of possibilities you don't know what's coming.
Speaker 1:You don't know what's coming and also, I think we, the only way to overcome these things and actually learn how to deal with a sober summer is to go out and try.
Speaker 2:You've got to try the things, yeah, but just like break it down good food oh yeah, it's a really good restaurant today yeah, and if you go to nice places and places with nice food, you enjoy the experience. Yeah, there's this app actually called one zone.
Speaker 1:What's that? I said this before so there's an app called one zone. It shows you all the whatever type of place that you want in london. Yeah, it has it in categories and locations so you can click on where you want to go and what vibe you want and you can find all the cool restaurants, because it's so overwhelming in london. And then yeah like activities, so much fun summer stuff going on, like there's roof gardens, all those. I think there's a new place in Shoreditch called like I think it's Merlin's Beach Club.
Speaker 2:I did think about how much I miss rooftop bars. Um, and it was something to do with altitude. I was like, why do I always have to experience altitude drunk? Everyone loves a rooftop bar. It's so fun. It's so fun.
Speaker 1:And we live in a concrete jungle.
Speaker 2:By be views. Yeah, but why do I always have to experience altitude drunk?
Speaker 1:I haven't done it sober, but you've got to try and what I find is when the conversation does get to the people, like obviously you zone in on your one person. And then when you people start getting really drunk and talking nonsense or you know they all talk, which I'm one for, because all of our friends do it Everyone just walks over each other at the same time, yeah, and yet we can all hear each other. It's a gift and a curse, but you just you have you fill up your social battery. You have to be quite selfish in this situation and you go once you've had enough, because they're not going. No, and we don't. We no longer chase the night, I chase the day, chase the day and the evening to go to bed and the evening to go to bed. Okay, Guys, tips and Tara, this might help you too.
Speaker 1:Okay, I have a little thing on my phone. So if you are trying to do your sober summer and you're going to find it really hard which I know that you find it hard in the outside summer world of company I have a trigger list on my phone. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I have a trigger list and a tool list. Okay. So triggers, yeah, son, yes, yes, but in the social situation, so like um rooftop bars and people telling you to drink when you're feeling sensitive enough to go. You know you want to hear that.
Speaker 1:No, I don't have a problem, I'm gonna drink. Now, yeah, there's people going on and on and on about how what a great fun drunk you are. So you're like, oh, you know what, fuck it, I am just gonna have a drink. Yeah, so I just go to my trigger list and my tools list, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:So the tool list is the temptation have a non-alcoholic drink first, so something that is like an alcoholic drink. I like a non-alcoholic beer. I love a Guinness or a trip. Trips are really great and they chill you out. So it actually loses that edge of oh, the urge goes down a bit. Um, then, if that's not working, um, go home, leave, just go leave. But also just leave. But also you can't really leave if you're in a place where you could think that you might go home and drink on your own. So you actually have to tell the people that you're needing a drink and guess what, they will actually support you in that. So you be like guys, I'm actually struggling and I need a drink, so your friends will help you right leaving if you're not ready. That's just what. When you know, and actually when you get home, then journal, because if you journal, you can sort of figure out what went wrong with that. But yeah, there's a, there's obviously the toolkit that does help and it's an aa tool and it is halt. So if you really want that drink, just go through this list.
Speaker 1:Are you hungry? I'm not often hungry, yeah, and I get hangry. Are you angry? That makes you want to have a drink. Do you feel a bit lonely? That also can make you want to drink. Or are you tired?
Speaker 1:You could feel lonely, surrounded by people though, and you can feel lonely in that social group Because, as you said, everyone's talking about superficial shit and you have no interest in it. If that's the case, just go and do your own. Go home if you're not there for the people, but most of the time you've gone. I think big social events are awkward, and that's the first part of that of. A social event makes everyone want to drink to be comfortable, but I urge you to sit in your uncomfortability if you sit in it, I swear it lasts about an hour and then just try and have bite-sized conversations, like with just little one person at a time, and you'll start to feel you'll get a little group of people around you that make your surroundings feel safe. And, tara, you actually do have a good one, because you always tell people you have to tell people you're sober.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I'm very openly sober.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And if they judge me, then they're idiots.
Speaker 1:Exactly. So you do have that. That is one of your tools.
Speaker 2:That's true. I, yeah, that's true. I'm very openly sober. I tell people I'm sober, I'm, I check if mocktails. I double check with the waiter, even in front of people that I say are you sure this is a mocktail? Yeah um, maybe I think I'm lindsey loha and like fresh out of rehab. I don't know that's fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can be whoever you want in your story. Yeah, um good, but yeah, double check. But also, guys, I have ordered beers and they're they're not non-alcoholic, they've got 0.5 in that's my worst fear and that's so bad. I think like you got yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, and it's not actually, it's still got 0.5 and it doesn't trigger me, but it will trigger some people, I would feel the buzz for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, really feel the buzz. I won't even get the 0.05 at the supermarket. Yeah, there's no point. But why just have a drink then? Yeah it haven't taken.
Speaker 1:I've had them by accident and and I haven't actually felt a thing, so I'm like it's not, it's not reacted that way with me. I feel buzzy, buzzy we're gonna go back to fuck boys because we've got some tips from dara yeah, well, I wouldn't say not tips, they're not tips, they're lessons, lessons.
Speaker 2:I mean if he tells you he's on probation or he's tagged red flag, if he tells you that he's taking, if you're like we said earlier, if you're clear with your intentions and what you're looking for in a relationship and you're able to communicate that well and clearly, if he says I'm it um one day at a time and he can't give you confirmation of what he needs ie he doesn't see a future for the relationship. Um, red flag. Um, if he can't make time for you, red flag. I've had guys have a go at me because I I think I've now become the fuck girl because I can't commit to a time to see them, and that is because I think my time is spread too thin. But I'm now recognising maybe I'm becoming them you know, picking and choosing that maybe if I'm talking to them for attention, you need to think of the reasons why. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Definitely think of the reasons why. Yeah, yeah, definitely think of the reasons of why you do it. But also, like when your time is spread thin, you're a bit like I don't give a fuck, I have no time for consideration of anyone else. It has to be me.
Speaker 2:You have to be selfish because your time is precious and I try and tell these people that. But and I'm not doing it to be a fuck girl, but guys definitely do it they pick and choose who they want to talk to and whose time they want. And that's the point they're picking and choosing. It shouldn't be like that. It should be consistent. Yeah, also like use a three-stripe rule for that I've got so many strikes.
Speaker 1:But I mean I said this to someone to someone else actually, because they were dating someone then that the person's not getting back to them about we've done this before about where they've asked them out. Then they've not texted them on the day to say where they're going or what time are. You don't text me then, because I won't be texting you to find out where we're going on the date that you asked me to go.
Speaker 2:I used used to do that, but I used to text and start an argument and try and put them in their place, but I just looked like the fool because I looked like I cared too much.
Speaker 1:But don't you think that's a level of defence? You're using it as a defence mechanism. I used to go psychosomatic. Yeah, a defence mechanism, because then you're not being caught off guard and you're not necessarily the victim because you've stepped out in front of it.
Speaker 2:but I just let it go just ignore the whole thing.
Speaker 1:Who cares if you're not gonna, that is a strike, by the way, if you don't if you don't. If you want to plan the day and then you're not texting me on the day and it's getting two hours before or something go home.
Speaker 2:What's the mal robbins thing? Let them. Yeah, let them. If they don't want to text you, let them. Let them. If they want to miss out, let them. If they want to make the worst decision of their lives, let them. If they want karma to come back around, let them. If they want to lose all their money because I don't know they're going to get with they let me down. They're gonna get right so tara likes red flags.
Speaker 1:A lot of people like red flags, but why?
Speaker 2:um, okay, so it's never a conscious decision and I don't think it is for anyone. Um, but I just think it's where I'm most comfortable, and maybe I've recently realized I just don't ever want to be heartbroken again. It's a defense mechanism.
Speaker 2:That was really painful it's all defense, defense, defense, defense and it, and I find it really hard to meet someone who can give me um more than I can give myself. And if they can't give me more than I can give myself and if they can't give me more than I can give myself, which I am right now, what's the point?
Speaker 1:But that's good.
Speaker 2:That's a standard. Have your standard. I can't give myself an ankle tag no please don't.
Speaker 2:So I think I'm attracted to red flags because it's something new. Anyway, I've realised that, even though I'm still attracted to red flags because it's something new. Anyway, I've realized that, even though I'm still attracted to red flags, since being sober, my standards have got so much higher and I'll tolerate so much less shit than I used. I used to have so much time and so much patient, patience for shit, yeah, and I don't know why, because it didn't bring me any joy. I must have thought it was bringing me joy no, but you like.
Speaker 1:You like the drama aspect of it, loved it heightens, like like something to play with eastenders in real life, tara like can you just tell me one like one of these stories that you had, uh, when you did date someone a little bit toxic, a red flag?
Speaker 2:A red flag. So I know you don't do the dating apps, but I did and I matched with a guy but he had a very nice piece of jewellery on his wrist and he had a very nice piece of jewellery on his ankle.
Speaker 1:Did you know that, when obviously you didn't know that?
Speaker 2:so, anyway, I matched with this guy. We spoke on the phone again. It's that delusional thing of being love bombed. You don't see that you're being love bombed because you genuinely think why wouldn't someone fall in love with you? So I was being now, in hindsight, love bombed. He'd call me all the time, facetime me while I say this for three nights straight and he was just like, wow, like so in awe of me. Wow, all of that you were loving that, loving it Went on a date with him. I don't like leaving my postcode for a man. It's inconvenient. I don't know if I'm going to like him. I don't know if he's gonna be. Yeah, I get it. I don't like to go far on my first date. No, I drove an hour, an hour and a half to meet him because he was on curfew because of such tag red flag, anyone red flag. He also told me that we there was a likelihood that we were being watched oh my god right, yeah, um, but that just made me feel safe and special.
Speaker 2:Oh no, but turns out it was the best kisser, so it was all worth it right, okay, and what?
Speaker 1:what? What led you to? What was the end of that?
Speaker 2:little stint. Oh my god, he thought he had a girlfriend of course he did, he found out.
Speaker 2:He had a girlfriend, right, yeah, um, he went all of a sudden quiet on me and this is what okay. So years and years and years ago I met a guy on the street called dj phase. He was trying to sell me charity and I was like, no, I don't have 50 pounds for blind cats, sorry. Um, I said I don't have the money but I will go for a drink with you. I was so big, so bold, so ballsy. Anyway, we went for a drink. We went on a couple of dates. He was from, from East London, so we would never cross paths socially in life. Started dating him. Turns out he was engaged and got married. Men can't trust them. Oh my God. Same thing happened with this guy Dating. Turns out he had a girlfriend, went quiet, got a girlfriend.
Speaker 1:Did I tell I told the Vegas story right About friend? Did I tell I told the vegas story right about the guy who pretended he was a? Oh yeah, yeah, you did. Was that on this I think you did, must have done? That was one of my definite, definite red flags. Yeah, I dated someone years and years ago, fucking twat right, um, and actually so worked with him. Everyone knew who he was.
Speaker 1:We all had would obviously hang out together because we were in a job together 24 7 and I like dated this person for a year to then like him to say oh, by the way, if my ex-girlfriend contacts you on facebook, ignore her. She's a psycho. And I was like, why would you say that red flag?
Speaker 2:yeah why would you say that?
Speaker 1:to me. So I I go on Facebook, on her Facebook, and her profile picture is of him and her kissing. Now she's either really delusional or he's a fucking liar, liar, liar. So he, I'm like what the fuck? He didn't even try and hide it, he tried. Oh my God, like people are actually dumb. He was like, oh God, how do I get out of this? How do I? So I just like messaged the girl and she phoned me and he had he's.
Speaker 1:It was his girlfriend, he'd been with her for three years and there was a point and my nan had died, she passed away and I, the moment I found out I was with, I've seen this guy still and I phoned him up to ask him I was. I was hysterical, I was so upset because I couldn't get back from to home, from London, and I was phoning him up and asking him to take me and he was like saying he couldn't because he was babysitting his niece and nephew. He was with her. Um, anyway, having spoken to the girl, she said, oh, by the way, at that point he, I was in the car with him and he was telling he was trying to get me out of his car. He was telling me. His friend was in trouble and he had to go and help his friend. We were on a date and he was trying to get me out the car and I was like why did you even take your?
Speaker 1:phone when he was with her in a car. This is the audacity of people. You're dating two girls at the same time, One for three years, one for a year. A I'm obviously a bit stupid, but at the time he lived two totally separate lives. One was in the industry and one life was out of the industry. So he was hoping those paths never crossed.
Speaker 2:I actually think a lot of people in our industry do think yeah unfortunately anyway, like, moral of the story is I then?
Speaker 1:um, obviously told him to go fuck himself. What an absolute bellend. And the girl gets back with him. More for you, honey. Are they still together? Oh God knows, I don't know, it was years. That was me done. Once I'm done, I'm done.
Speaker 2:You're out the door. I'm out the door. I leave the door once you open.
Speaker 1:You spoke to him again Like good luck to you.
Speaker 2:So, um, I think that's it for me. On Fat Boys, yeah, I mean, I'm an idiot. I still keep going back to them. I'm attracted to them, but another day, another dollar, baby, nothing's going to change.
Speaker 1:I'm not attracted to them anymore. I am a bit older than you. I don't know if that helps Emotionally great Anyway, I think today. That concludes our episode for Sober, summer and fuckboys. But let's try to avoid the fuckboys. Guys Use the three things. Just ask them what they're looking for. If they're stringing you along and they're not texting you hours before a date or they think you're, you know they're the breadcrumber. Just move on.
Speaker 2:Or if they're just being dicks, work smarter, not harder, and play them at their own game, which we don't advise, obviously, are some of the three things, and on that note, see you next week we tried.