Hood Chatter is Audio Therapy for the Everyday Person looking for truth, laughs and sarcasm, wrapped in common sense. FACTS: Friendly Advice, Culture, Truth and Sarcasm.
Hood Chatter is Audio Therapy for the Everyday Person looking for truth, laughs and sarcasm, wrapped in common sense. FACTS: Friendly Advice, Culture, Truth and Sarcasm.
Yeah what up? Ain't nobody got?
Speaker 1:time for that. Hatch kids, hatch wife. Yo, you good, yo, you are such a liar. Liar. It's lit, let's go, and that's on Pivotal.
Speaker 3:Hood Chatter.
Speaker 1:Hey everybody and welcome to the premiere episode of Hood Chatter. I'm your host, doc J, and I want to thank you for sharing in this experience. This has really been a long time in the making, so I'm excited to take this journey together. I really am.
Speaker 1:Hood Chatter is audio therapy for the everyday person, looking for an outlet for truth, laughs and sarcasm wrapped in a little bit of common sense. So here you're going to get straight facts, friendly advice, culture, truth and sarcasm. We're going to talk about some of the things that you think about but you don't say out loud. So throughout this season, we'll speak with guests from various walks of life, age ranges and ethnic backgrounds. Right, this podcast is going to discuss life experiences and situations with the comedic twist, and listeners will have the opportunity to be a part of thought-provoking questions and comments related to a wide range of topics. Okay, so again, my name is Doc J and PS, I do have a doctorate degree from St John Fisher University, so who gonna check me though? All right, let's get into it. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:So the first segment of today's show is something I like to call, in my Shoes, right by profession, I'm a life coach, so some of my clients and consultants have graciously accepted my request for them to share their stories with the world in an effort to shed light on different topics and bring awareness to situations, in hopes that their experiences can help someone else. Right, you know what I'm saying when you know better, you do better. So if you're interested in sharing your story and receiving some free advice, submit your stories to thehoodchatter at gmailcom Again, that's thehoodchatter at gmailcom or you can DM me at thehoodchatter. All your submissions will be given fictitious names to protect anonymity, so you don't have to worry about it. Everything will be completely confidential. So feel free to submit your stories and I will try to share them based on the topics that we're going to give for each episode.
Speaker 1:Ok, so with that, I did have a client. Her name is Sheila, and Sheila shared her story and I'm so thankful that she did. I decided to choose Sheila's story for today because it really, you know, it's really beneficial, I do believe, and it also kind of resonates with the topic that we're going to go into for the second segment. So Sheila is a 50-year-old biracial woman from the Bronx and this is her story. I'm sorry, shout out to Law and Order. I couldn't help that. I couldn't help that, I really couldn't.
Speaker 2:Well, I had been married to my husband for 10 years now. When we got together I was 27 and he was 32. Living the life of a hustler. My man was making money, he took EMF money and life was good. Hair, nails, trips, clothes, parties, you name it. I had it. Not only did I love the extravagant lifestyle, but I also loved my man. He made me laugh. We had heart-to-heart conversations and I knew that he loved me special, and he treated his mother like gold, so I knew he was a keeper. Know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:After some breakups, off and on again during my 30s, he proposed to me in june of 2012. I was 38 years old and I was so happy words cannot describe okay. However, three months after us getting engaged, he got arrested for distribution and sentenced to 12 to 15 years in prison, but I decided to marry him while he was incarcerated in 2014. I loved him and I wanted to hold him down. I had that Rada Dab, bonnie Clive mentality and I was fully committed. When we got married, he was in a facility that was two and a half hours away from the Bronx. I would spend my weekends traveling up to see him, and so we were able to get conjugal visits and have a stated weekend when we would play house okay. But when we got married, I was finishing my bachelor's degree and working at a fairly decent job in a hospital, and my husband and I we talked every day. I saw him two or three weekends out of the month and his friends and family still threw money my way on his behalf. So I was good. I went on to complete my master's degree and, most recently, my doctorate degree. Thank you very much.
Speaker 2:And in the last few years, my desire to be married is fleeting. I no longer feel the same way I did in my 30s. I'm 50 years old now and I need someone to spend my life with. That is present. I feel like I'm losing out on life, but it breaks my heart that I no longer want to be married to my husband. However, not having someone around to share my life with has become problematic. I broke the news to him last week that I wanted a divorce and he was devastated, but he said he understood why I felt the way I felt and he said he wants me to be happy. So I don't think I'm doing the wrong thing, but we definitely don't feel good about what I'm doing. I feel like I'm abandoning him and it breaks my heart because you want him to be alone, but I'm definitely not happy in this so-called marriage.
Speaker 2:I'm scheduled to officially file for divorce this week, so we'll see. But in the time he's been in jail, he has gotten in trouble a few times, but he has done well. At this rate, his earliest possible date for parole would be 2025. And I know that's only a year away. But I haven't been happy for a long time and I feel like if I wait for him now to come home, I'm going to possibly resent him for his restrictions with parole and how that affects the relationship, and I'm really just not the same person I was when we got together. So, dr J, can you tell me, am I doing the right thing? Like, should I have handled this differently and do you think I should try to maintain a friendship with him? Like I still love him, but I no longer want to be married to him? Please help, thank you.
Speaker 1:Okay, sheila. So I would first like to thank you for taking the time to share your story, right? I appreciate the courage that it took for you to be open and completely honest and share your story right, because I know that expressing yourself is not always the easiest thing to do. So let me start with. Let me start with that, right? Um, but to be honest with you, sheila, I can't tell you that you're right, but I also can't tell you that you're wrong either. You know what I'm saying. Let me say this If you're not good to you, you can't be good to anyone, right? And there's nothing wrong with choosing you, and let me stop and say that to everybody. There is nothing wrong with choosing you. Everybody wants to be happy. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:People grow and evolve and relationships grow and evolve, but that happens together. So I can understand your frustration, right? Also, as we get older, our priorities and what matters to us changes, so I can empathize with what you're going through, right? However, I have some questions for you to digest, in hopes that they might help shed light on some of the things that you're feeling, as it is related to you transitioning into the next phase of your life right With that. I will ask you are you currently dating and did this play a part in your decision to get divorced, like you know? Is this someone that's currently piquing your interest? Or, you know, are you already seeing somebody? Because if you're already doing you, then this dialogue is unnecessary because you've already moved on right. However, if this is really coming from a place of emotional growth and maturity, then I applaud your courage to admit the fact that you're ready to leave right, because it's not easy to walk away and a lot of people end up staying together because it's so hard to say goodbye. Essentially right. So kudos to you for doing that, because not speaking, your truth could end up manifesting itself in different ways and you know you end up becoming depressed, you have anxiety and all that, all those kinds of things. So kudos for you to being honest, to the fact that you know it's time to exit stage left.
Speaker 1:As far as being friends is concerned, I can't really answer that for you. You know you would first have to see if he would even be okay with considering being friends with you. You know. After that, in addition, you would have to see whether or not you're dating now or whether or not you plan on dating and how that will work in conjunction with your new relationship, because I can't imagine that a new mate might really want to be okay with the fact that you still have a friendship or an open relationship with your soon-to-be ex-husband. You know what I mean. Based on your submission, it doesn't seem like you guys have any kids, which would really be the only reason to justify you still maintaining a relationship with him after you guys have gotten a divorce. So, um, it might not be the best move for a successful relationship in the future with a new partner for you to maintain a friendship with your ex-husband, but that's also something that you would have to tease out between you. Know the two of you Further, I would say, if you decided to ride it out and stay married, you know, and give it a fair shot, do you feel like you guys even have anything in common anymore?
Speaker 1:You know, not only has time passed and life has changed drastically in the last 10 years, you know, with technological advances, if nothing else, but you also have obtained some degrees since your marriage began. So, mentally, you no longer think the same and the things that piqued your interest before, I would imagine, are a lot different than they were in the past. So, sheila, I hope some of this has helped you. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and I pray that you get everything that you're looking for in your life and in your future relationships. But I will say this going forward take time to check in with yourself and assess what it is that you need from yourself and for yourself right Now.
Speaker 1:Let me stop there, because this is a PSA for my young girls. Fellas, take heed to this too, because women get locked up too, but this is also something that usually happens to women. So, specifically for my young girls, this is a PSA, right? Young girl, think carefully before you agree to do a bid with a man, right? Even though you might have the best intentions at heart, it might be better for both of you to weigh out the pros and cons and see exactly how this is going to play out.
Speaker 1:Making such a big decision and let me tell you something do not be pressured into doing something that you're not sure about. Okay, don't get caught up in the. If you love me, you'll stay with me, or how could you do this to me? You got to hold me down. Don't let nobody guilt trip you into doing anything that you're not a hundred percent sure about. You have to really weigh out the pros and cons on what that looks like for you Right Now. There are some women that have the capacity to hold a man down through his bid and be just fine with that, and if that's for you, that's just fine, right.
Speaker 1:But for the vast majority of people that find themselves in that type of situation, even though they have the best intentions, they don't really understand what it means to put your life completely on hold for somebody else. Right and I know fellas that either have been to jail and been through this situation, or somebody that might be listening on his way to do a bid might be saying, oh well, she knew exactly what she was getting into when she signed up for this shit. Yeah, I can agree with that too. However, we change our minds about 10 times while we're at the drive-thru at Burger King, so you can't really necessarily say that you're surprised that this woman is in a different phase of her life. Before you make that commitment, you have to really see what that looks like for you, right, because we have one life and we got to live it.
Speaker 1:Everybody wants to be happy and you have to figure out what happiness looks like for you and then make that informed decision Right. The worst thing that you could do is settle for less than you deserve, and let me say that to everybody here that the worst thing you can do is settle for less than you deserve. Ok, know your worth and then live in that space. So, don't settle for less than you deserve. Know your worth and live in that space. Here's a message from my sponsor. We'll be right back.
Speaker 3:When we come on the talk to need someone to listen, looking for clarity and strategy, reach out to the Turnaround Project. Our life coaches are here to help you on your journey to getting better, doing better and being better. Turnaround Project Helping individuals learn to help themselves.
Speaker 1:All right, that was the Turnaround Project. They can be reached at wwwlivetaporg that's wwwlivetaporg. Or on all social media, at livetap underscore org. That's livetap underscore org. Yeah, we on to the next one, we on to the next one. So this brings us to today's topic, which is cheating 101, right? So here's some questions and thoughts that I have that I want to leave with you, and I'm going to post these questions online. So feel free to write your responses in the comments and then I'll try to recap them, some of them when we come back next time. Right, dependent on which questions get the most responses, then I'll try to recap them, some of them when we come back next time. Right, dependent on which questions get the most responses, then I'll go ahead and try to recap some of them when I come back. Right Now, these questions and some of these things that I'm going to tease out to you, I bring them up in my various group coaching sessions. So, trust me, I test these questions out in front of various groups before I decide to bring them live to you guys and, believe me, they will wake up a room.
Speaker 1:These are questions that are geared towards personal growth, self-growth, and questions that are geared towards relationship growth and intimacy growth with your partner. So, just as an addendum to what we just heard from Sheila, let me ask you this Do you think that it should be a deal breaker if you cheat on your partner, if they're incarcerated? Now, if you're married, cheating is cheating and that just is what it is right. But, based on what we were just talking about in the last segment, a woman has to be realistic when she's made that decision that, yes, your intentions are to hold him down and stay with him, but does staying with him mean that you don't have a physical relationship with someone else or other people? Because, in all actuality, if you're really real with yourself, everybody has needs and desires and that has to be manifested in some way, shape or form. Now, I know the man that's incarcerated. He has the best hopes as well, but in the back of his mind he has to be realistic to the fact as well that she might be doing her from time to time, because in a duration of a bid, life happens and people have wants and needs. And you know, in this day and age, with social media and people going to the club and you know, little alcohol to set the third, little alcohol to set the third. So chew on that. Do you think that if you cheat on somebody while they're incarcerated, should that be a you know, be all end all for your relationship? My next question would be and I know that this is going to be one of the questions that gets good comments, so I can definitely guarantee that this will be one of the questions that gets good comments, so I can definitely guarantee that this will be one of the ones that we recap on our next time together.
Speaker 1:So, do you feel it's okay to go through your significant other's cell phone without permission? Exactly that look on your face. Exactly Do you think it's okay to go through your significant other's cell phone without permission? Now, this is my take on it, right? Do you pay the bill? That's my first question. Do you pay the bill? Because, if you don't pay the bill, explain to me what it is that you're doing going through my phone. That's like you taking my wallet and then going through my wallet For what? Explain to me what you're doing this for if you're not paying the bill. That's the first thing.
Speaker 1:The second thing becomes do you really want to know? Because if you feel like you have to grab somebody's phone and start going through their texts and their DMs and Snapchats or what have you, then that means that you already know something, or you think you know something, in which case you're wasting your time. There is no reason that you should be dealing with somebody. If you feel like you have to go through that phone, right, that's the next thing. Then what if somebody did that to you? Like when you pick up somebody's phone and decide that you want to start tampering with it, the flip coin is what if they were doing that to you? Nine times out of 10, the person's in the bathroom or they sleep. So if somebody did that to you, you would be absolutely furious.
Speaker 1:Now I know there's somebody listening to this right now like, fuck that I'm going through his come on, come on, be real with it, Because if somebody else did that to you, it would be a certified problem. So answer that honestly and truthfully. Put it in the comments. Let's see what we come up with Now. Do you consider flirting while in a relationship cheating? Right Now, for me, this becomes are you a friendly person or a flirtatious person? Because there are some people that are genuinely friendly people and their friendliness or their kindness can be misconstrued as flirtatious, right? However, are you going out with somebody on a date and every time you go out you notice that they're giving somebody the side eye or the extra smile or something like that? Because if that's the case, then that means that you're in a relationship and they're not. You might want to reevaluate what's going on there.
Speaker 1:Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about the blanket Fellas. Go out with their boys. They're going to spend a couple of dollars buying some girls some drinks, maybe get a little twerk session. I didn't say take her home. I said get a little twerk session. Ladies, it's the same thing. You want to feel cute? Get your hair, did nails, did everything, did go out. Let some dudes buy you some drinks. After a couple of drinks you might be the one giving the twerk session. I didn't say going home, but I said the twerk session.
Speaker 1:But I'm not talking about that kind of flirting. I'm talking about date night flirting, where you're sitting down at the dinner table, you're going out with your man or your girl and somebody always got the side eye or the extra smile or something like that. Do you consider that cheating Me? Personally I do. There's no reason in the world that you should be with someone and they're not present. So if flirting is your thing, you might want to really know who it is that you're dealing with, because that can get real messy real fast. So that leads me to my next question, and this is the other question that I can almost guarantee that is going to get the most comments, because when this came up in my most recent group um group this went on for about good 30, 45 minutes, right?
Speaker 1:The question is is it okay to watch porn while you're in a relationship? Again, is it okay to watch porn while you're in a relationship? Now, let me say this Most people I'm not going to say most people, some people are going to say no, and that's because, as individuals, even when we're in a relationship, we tend to be very shy and skittish about what we tell our partner that we like sexually, about what we tell our partner that we like sexually, because we're afraid of being judged based on whatever their meter is of what they think is normal or what they think is freaky and outside of the box, right. However, for me personally, I'll say that I don't have a problem with it at all. I think that it definitely depends on your partner and it depends on what you're into.
Speaker 1:You know, that might not be something that you do in the beginning of the relationship or in the beginning of dating, but once you start to learn the person that you're involved with, it can be very beneficial and a good additive to your bedroom and your late night escapades. You know what I'm saying. Some relationships end because things get stagnant, things get dry and you don't know how to necessarily reinvent the wheel. And that might be a way for you to, you know, recreate your bedroom and develop some things about yourself or learn some things about yourself that you might not have known or expected and, you know, ultimately spice up your relationship. So what I will say is that I wouldn't just 100 right at all, but I will say, oh, your partner, okay, because if you are messing with a basic or you messing with a basic, then that means that you should be watching together basic porn. If you interested in getting choked out on some borderline bd, then you might want to save that for your own time, because you put on the wrong thing in front of the right or the wrong person and that could be a deal breaker for the night or for the whole relationship. So know your partner, let me say that. But I will say don't write it off, because it could definitely make a difference With that. This is very.
Speaker 1:The next question is very individual and you have to internalize this. This is not necessarily something that you know. You could talk about it with your friends, but this is not necessarily a group question. This is something more that's internalized for self-development. So how has your parents' relationship or do you feel that your parents' relationship or your family dynamic growing up impacted your love life or the way that you deal with or seek out the relationships that you're in? Do you find that you attract, you know, your mother or your father? Or, you know, do you find any similarities on how you interact with your relationships or the people that you're looking to date now, in conjunction to what you saw growing up?
Speaker 1:And the reason that I bring this up is because we don't always realize how things affect us in the future. You know, we always say growing up, I'm not going to be anything like my parents or I'm not going to do this, and then we find that we get older, unconsciously, we start saying things that they said and we have gestures and mannerisms that they had, and we're trying to figure out. How the hell did we even end up here? So just chew on that and see if your family dynamic had any play on how you deal with your relationships now and see if maybe there's something that you can identify along the way where you can see well, this is where I'm going right and maybe this is where I need to do something a little different. And maybe this is how you can identify how you keep ending up in repetitive things, or you know the same cycles over and over again, and you can figure out how to make the necessary changes changes and, like I said, see where you're going right and see where you might be. Uh, might need some room for improvement.
Speaker 1:Um, the final question that I'm going to leave you with is how long do you think a couple should date before becoming official? Most people I talk to said three to six months. It's kind of you know shit or get off the pot. But then other people you know it kind of depends on the age range, your culture, what you're accustomed to. So throw that around at the table. Ladies, this is what I'm going to tell you when you at you know dinner or brunch with your girlfriends and this situation comes up. This is what's going to happen.
Speaker 1:The question is going to come up and then everybody's going to start looking around at each other like this, to see who gives what answer and sees what's socially acceptable, right? So, like I said, the most that I hear is three to six months. Then I also hear the oh well, I know right off the bat whether or not I'm a developer. No, keep it 100. Nobody knows in the first 30 days whether or not they want to be with somebody and develop something and make it official. So let's be honest. Then I do hear the responses is well, I don't know what's going on unless we have sex first, because if the sex is not good, then it's absolutely no way that I'm developing it into something else. So see what this comes up when you bring it up.
Speaker 1:When I brought this up in front of the fellas this, some of the responses I got was yeah, well, I know within the first three months whether or not I want to invest time in shorty, and sex definitely does play a part in whether or not we're going to develop anything, and whether or not we're compatible does play a part in whether or not we're going to develop anything and whether or not we're compatible. And this came up and ladies this might surprise you, but this is definitely the case. Guys treat you according to the way that you treat yourself and whether or not you think they're paying attention. They are. So, whatever energy that you're looking for, whatever you're looking for, that might be the energy that you want to put out, because a dude is going to treat you how you treat yourself, carry yourself accordingly, govern yourself accordingly. Okay, so I'm going to post these online, put your comments in there, let's see what we come up with, and believe me when I tell you you're going to get some good responses out of this. Yeah, we are doing that. So we on to the next one.
Speaker 1:This brings us to our third and final segment for today, and this is something that I like to call table talk. Now, the last segment were questions that were geared towards self-development, personal growth, relationship growth, intimacy, growth. Um, this is just a scenario that's just sheer fun. That's really what it is. It's just sheer fun, and I'm going to pose a scenario that I want you to talk about with your friends. This is another at brunch situation or your next little outing. You know whatever comes up and let's hear the responses, because it is going to absolutely turn the room up Right Now.
Speaker 1:Bear in mind, before I offer today's question in order for this to work, you have to keep this in general terms and be completely objective. Let me stick something right there, too. This is a conversation that fellas you have with your boys, you have with your boys, ladies you have with your girls. Do not have this conversation with your significant other. It is just going to be messy and lead to a bunch of unnecessary conversations about a fictitious scenario that you heard on a podcast and don't blame me for you having a messy night. Do not have this conversation with your night. Do not have this conversation with your man. Don't have this conversation with your girl. If you do, you're on your own Period.
Speaker 1:Now. Make your responses as objective as possible, okay. Do not make your responses personal. Do not think of a specific person. You have to make your responses in a general term. Right. This definitely is going to take up a good 45 minutes to an hour of your conversation, so get ready for it. Right. Here we go.
Speaker 1:Your spouse dies. Pick up your face, it gets better. Your spouse dies. Ten years later, you decide to remarry. Is it okay to marry your sibling? Pick up your face, I know, I know. I know. Don't personalize this, because if you do, the first thing that's going to happen is hell. No, my brother-in-law, jeffrey, is ugly and oh my God, I can't think of him like that. Or, oh hell, no, I ain't messing with my sister, my girl sister. Don't do that. This is a general terms question. Let me know what you think. Right Now, some of the responses that I got were absolutely hilarious, right, one of my girlfriends. I don't even know how she queued up her phone so quick. But the second I finished the question, old girl was like she queued up her phone so quick, but the second.
Speaker 2:I finished the question.
Speaker 1:Old girl was like when I tell you I was laughing so hard it didn't even make any sense, right. Once we got over the jokes, the consensus was really hell, no for most people. Then other people said well, you know what? I could understand how some people end up falling into the arms of the person that comforted them. And then the question also becomes OK, well, is there a cultural aspect to that? Because somebody did offer a cultural response and basically said you know, in his culture it might be customary for somebody to take on that sibling, for whatever reason. So chew on that, right. I'm going to add to that and say does it matter if the person is a twin? I know I'm playing myself, right, but does it matter if the person is a twin? Now this becomes a real sticky situation if there's children involved, because then you have to explain to your kid why uncle and aunt such and such is now step or step um. So that makes a big difference in how this plays out.
Speaker 1:But throw this around, see what you come up with. I'm telling you, it's absolutely hilarious to hear the responses and you would be surprised. You think that you know somebody. You think that's your man or that's your girl and you know them, you would be very surprised to hear the response that they give. Okay. So, like I said, throw these around. I promise you they're going to be good, good, good, good, good, good. Try these out. I don't know where you work, so you might not want to try them out at work because I don't want you to get written up for two months laughing. But you know, try this out and see what you come up with With that.
Speaker 1:That's it for today. You guys, I had a lot of fun and I hope you enjoyed today's experience. We will be back every Thursday, so you can find us on any platform that you listen to your podcast and follow us on social media at the hood chatter, and that's on Facebook, tiktok and YouTube. That's at the hood chatter. And remember to tell a friend, to tell a friend and until next time, learn to accept the apology. You never get See. You never get. See you later, guys.