Parents, Do You Really Want to Know? – Carrie Wiesenfeld & Jessica Anger

Drawing from their personal experiences, Carrie and Jessica reflect on the challenges and emotional responses that parents face when confronted with their child's behavior as seen from another's perspective. They discuss how their approaches have evolved over time, emphasizing the importance of supporting their child's feelings and empowering them to manage conflicts directly.

Throughout the conversation, both hosts stress the significance of the “power of pause” in parenting, taking the time to consider the best course of action before reacting to situations involving our children and other parents.

Takeaways

1. Don’t react right away.
2. Communicate openly.
3. Guide, don’t control.

Timestamps
00:00 Parent concerned about child's abnormal behavior.
05:49 Surprised by accusations, sought Avery's explanation.
09:18 Parents have superpower to protect children.
11:16 Mother shares child's experience with friends.
16:10 Approach call with gratitude, avoid taking sides.
17:01 Open communication and dialogue, prioritize child's feelings.
20:03 End of episode on healthy conversations and parenting.

🔗 Connect with Jessica Anger and Carrie Wiesenfeld:
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Email: info@parentcoachesunleashed.com
Soaring Hawk Life Coaching: https://www.soaringhawklifecoaching.com
Ocean Wave Parenting: https://www.oceanwavesparenting.com

Transcript

0:02

Welcome to Parent Coaches Unleashed with Carrie and Jessica, where no topics are taboo or off limits. Join us as we let loose and discuss the real raw feelings about parenting. In each episode, we will bring you heartfelt discussions, real life stories, and special guests that will both entertain you and encourage community. So no one feels alone in their parenting journey. Thanks so much for listening. Now let's start the show. Welcome to this week's episode. This is Carrie. Jessica and I are so excited because we are actually together recording in the same space as her family is visiting us on their spring break. Oh my gosh. I just want to thank Carrie for hosting us. She is absolutely the best host, and her home is beautiful. Well, the scenery doesn't, is is definitely making it a lot. Disappoint. Does not disappoint. We got lots of snow since they've been here, so it's amazing. So this morning, as the guys are getting ready to go skiing and snowboarding, Jessica's husband, Lonnie, just gives us some tidbits for I think you guys should talk about this. Yes. I have a great idea for you. So we actually thought it was a great idea too, and we wanna share with you the questions that came up this morning, in our conversation. And it got into, as a parent, would you really want to know if your son or daughter was behaving in a way that was troublesome? So something else came up about this as Carrie and I were deciding about how best to discuss this. And Carrie mentioned the, quote, it takes a village, And we've all said it. We've all used it. We've all needed parents to support us and help us for rides, for a sleepover, for whatever could have come up in that moment. We've all needed support and help. But what happens, as Carrie said, when something or someone accuses or brings to your attention a behavior that your child is displaying? Do you really want to know? Alright. So it's just the 2 of us today. We have no guests on, so I will answer the question. Yes. As a parent, I do want to know when my child even though now I have young adults, I want to know if my young adult if my sons, one of my sons, is doing something that others view as troublesome. So have they hurt someone? Have their words hurt someone? Or themselves. Or themselves. Their actions. Or are they behaving in a manner that is not typically normal for themselves or, you know, just something you know, another parent was concerned. So, yes, period. Yes. I want to know. But I will share going back in time, you know, when they were a little and as I, you know, evolve now as a parent. When I look back, I did want to know then as well. But my normal reaction, and this is not all parents' reactions, but my normal reaction was to right then and there when the other parent told me what they saw or heard, I would automatically apologize for my child's behavior, and I wanted to make nicey nice with the other parent so that they weren't judging my child or me or the behavior. Okay. Fair enough. I, looking back, don't know that that was the right approach to take, and I would do things differently now. Before we go into what we have learned, let's talk about what we have experienced. So you shared how you reacted when Yes. Someone approached you about your child Yes. Doing whatever it was. So I was always from the thought, I want to know. If my child does something, I wanna know immediately. And in doing so, I feel like there were different there are different levels of what you wanna know and how you react to them. Like, so one time I had a parent call me in elementary school. My daughter was in 5th grade. I want to say at the time a new parent had just moved to the school. Just a little background on Avery. She was, I don't like labels. Okay. But just for the sake of describing her, she was a quiet child. She had her small group of friends. She was teachers would describe her as just a good kid, never ever a complaint. She was the child that the teacher would say, I wish I had a class full of Avery. So were you surprised when you got this phone call? Shocked. I was floored. I couldn't I just couldn't believe it. And this parent said to me that Avery said something very hurtful to her daughter. And I said, Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry to hear that. I know you just moved here, and I really don't want you to think that I have not my child syndrome, but this is not something that's ever come up with Avery. Please let me talk to her, and I will get back to you. And I remember Avery was in our backyard. So how wait. Let's just stop for a second. How did that make you feel? Like, did you feel like, like, did you automatically wanna just defend your child, or did you wanna be like, okay. It it could happen, or did you just feel like you failed as a parent because your child did something Honestly, in that moment, I was just shocked that someone would say this about Avery because it was so out of character. So I don't think I was going through all the emotions of, not you know, I have to I was I was really just so taken aback by these accusations that I I really just wanted to get to the bottom of it and hear Avery's side of the story. So I went out to her and I said, you know, I just got a call from so and so's mom. Is there anything you wanna share with me about what happened? And she said, yes. I told her that maybe she should shave her legs because she had a lot of hair on them. And in her moment And the mom already told you what she said? No. The mom did not Did it? That her daughter that my daughter said something very hurtful. Alright. So did you wanna laugh, or were you or were you like I did, but but here's the thing. Avery did not think she did anything wrong. Avery really believed she was offering a good piece of advice. She didn't see it as hurtful. She didn't see it as malicious or in any, she thought she was being a good friend. She truly wanted to be this girl's friend. The girl was new in town. You know, she was reaching out to her and she really thought she was doing something proactive for this girl. So I called the mom back and I told her that I understand why your daughter was hurt. I'm hoping you can understand why where my daughter was coming from. She really was not there was no ill intent, what so ever. You know, Avery will talk to her tomorrow and apologize for hurting her feelings, but just so you and I know, she she really thought she was coming from a place of helping. And did that was the mom appreciative you called her? No. No? It was done. Nope. She was appreciative that I called her back and told her, but she did not see it as a way that Avery was being a supportive friend. She it Wow. Let's just say that That's judgment. That friendship did not blossom. Let's just leave it at that. But I I do wanna give you another example of when I was that parent reaching out To someone else? To yeah. So my middle guy was left out. He had a really close group of friends. He and another friend were blatantly left out of a situation. And Cody, he came home and said to me, all my friends went to the movies, and I was not included. Not only that, but some kids lied about what their plans actually were. And lied to their parents or lied to other kids about what they were really doing. To Cody Specifically Cody about what they were doing, and he found out from our good old friend, social media, when he saw that his friends were at the movies, and he was not included. It was an end. Not only is Cody friends with these groups, this group of boys for a long time, but I was friends with the mom. So did Cody want you to say something? I didn't even ask. Okay. I didn't ask. I in that and here's another topic for another day, but I was so my emotions were so raw, and I was fueled by, oh my gosh. They hurt my kid. Okay. So do you think that you were inter like, feeling the feelings for your child of what it feels like to be left out? 100%. Okay. Yes. And I think that's a natural well, I will say, though, that I've met many parents who don't do that. Like, they have for me, it's a superpower that they don't have the the feelings. Like, they do not take on the feelings, from their children where I think you and I both do. Right? Because we can clearly remember the feelings ourselves, and we know how it feels to be left out. And so, automatically, we want to, as parents, re like, we don't want our kids to feel that way. We wanna take away Though any pain that they're having. Yes. We know But it's not natural. It's it's going to happen. This is There are light events that are going to happen. And how do we see our children those through those events? Right. We have to allow them to feel sad and hurt and left out because knowing how that feels will hopefully stay with you. So you know when you're in a future situation, then maybe you would think differently about doing it to someone else. So this goes back to our original questions. Do you wanna know, and how will you react? So in that moment, there was a rational side of me that knew I needed help. I needed talking down off of my emotional ledge because I was going at these moms. I was going at my friends. I I needed to say something. I called all my people first. I called my husband. I called my sister. I called my closest friends who are not included in this group. Okay. So your coping strategy I need when you're there is you have to talk about it with somebody else. And I wanted to be talked down not to reach out to these moms in this moment. In this particular moment, no one was around. No one was there to talk me out and say, do not react right now. And I did, I reacted. The power the power of? Applause. It was gone. Power of applause. My hurt for my child was overpowering any rational thoughts that I knew to be true. I sent out a text, a group text to the moms saying, I'm paraphrasing here, we're talking years ago, I hope our friendship gives me a pass for what I'm about to say. I know that I'm coming from an emotional place, but this is what happened. And I explained to them from Cody's perspective, what happens. Now here's when you get into the different moms. The first mom that responded, oh my god, what did my child do? I will get to the bottom of this and get back to you. 2nd mom, I'm out of town. I'm so sorry your child is hurt. Let me talk to my child and find out what happened. 3rd mom, I'm sorry your child is hurt. That's not what my child did though. The 4th mom, completely ripped me. And how dare I go to this place and accuse her child of doing that without with knowing everything her child is going through in this moment. Right. Which if we took a random sample, that would be the natural in a while. Not not my problem. Right. Okay. It just happened. Let me ask you this question. Yes. Were any pieces of of advice that you got from oh, wait. You didn't get any advice from anyone. Right? Because no one was available. Okay. So Was there any place in your reasoning that said this isn't my problem to fix? No. Not in that moment. No. In that moment, I was, my child is hurt by his closest friends, and the moms need to know. Okay. Looking back at it now, would you have done the same thing or and, again, I'm not judging you as a parent. This is just for open conversation for everybody to listen to because everyone has different styles of these. But is that something that you could have just handled with Cody? Oh, here's okay. So here's the thing. There were 2 separate conversations going on because my feelings I was able to separate my feelings towards the moms and what their kids may or may not have done, and helping Cody cope through the feeling of being left out. So my conversation with Cody at that time was very different than my conversation with the parents at the time. But is was there any space or any place for you that it was not your role to have any conversation with the moms? Looking back, do I see that? You know, I I honestly don't know. I I believe knowing what I know now, looking back, I definitely would have taken a pause. It definitely would I still have addressed it? Right. Because the next day, what obviously, you would have addressed it with Cody and his feelings. Right. And and we and I did, and and it was a different conversation. Day, let's say we would have taken a longer pause. Right? The next day, would you have felt that it was that important for you to address with the moms for them to know, or was it enough that you had handled it with Cody? Because maybe by the next day, when he went to hang out with the friends again and maybe he said what he needed to say to them, like, that was enough. It's a difficult question to answer because I would like to say knowing what I know now, yes, I probably would have guided Cody through the situation on his own and how to handle it with his friends. Because as situations arose later in his teenage years, that was how I approached the situation. But being that they were my friends too, had I taken a day to sleep on it and think about it, I still think I would have approached them, but not in such an accusatory way. Does that make sense? Does that Oh, yeah. Totally makes sense. Totally makes sense because as a parent, right, that the emotions and the feelings is what kind of gets in our way of sometimes parenting the way that we intend to because we're so we we we we We're driven by the relationship. Feel, right, how they feel, and mama bear wants to protect the child at all costs. That is exactly what I was just going to say. So now you talked about what you how you did react. Yes. Now let's fast forward years of experience later. How would you advise someone to react? And and and again, this is just out these are our opinions. This is just Carrie and Jessica. Frankly here what works for Opinions about what we did and what we would guide up, like, the lessons we've learned For sure. And what we would do differently given the the opportunity. I would have thanked the parent for calling me and letting me know what happened. I would not have apologized for my child. I would have not taken any stance on whether my child was right or wrong or their child was right or wrong, I would have just made it a very brief simple conversation, and I would have gone to talk to my child and asked their opinion or what happened. Can you tell me about what I believe I did at the time was say, this is what I heard and blah blah blah. Please tell me, you know, what happened. I would have not let in like that. I would have just said, I got a call from so and so's parent. Could you tell me how the play date went or what happened when the 2 of you were together to see to give not lead my child into defending or sharing, but to open the communication so my child felt like they can speak with me without being, you know, defensive. And I would've listened to what they said, and then I would've gone back to the parent, right, to communicate. And then if it resulted in advising my child to apologize, I would have guided them to do that, not worried about how I looked or how my child looked to that parent. Here's here's a question. I 100% agree with that approach, and I think the key there is communication and having an open dialogue without judgment towards your child about what their behavior may or may not have been. Because you're talking about 2 children who have opposing views of what happened, and that may have it may have just been in disagreement. And we're also modeling for our children the the ability to communicate. Like, how do we communicate? How do we talk about conflict or something that might have happened that people have different points of view? Here's a question, different points of view. What happens if your child's perspective in that moment, what if it was just that a different perspective of what the other child was going through? What if they don't think they did anything wrong? What if they don't see that they were wrong in the situation? And what if you agree with them? But this other parent is still adamant that your child did something wrong. I think that's where I would, as a parent, allow my child to have their feelings and their opinions and support how they felt and what they thought of the situation. But I would encourage communication between my child and that other child, their friends, because what I've learned is when I listen to my child and I support how they feel, whether it's right or wrong or different than I see it or feel, I feel like I am empowering them, and I'm giving them a level of confidence that their feelings matter and not that I'm coming from a position of control or the parent or everything has to be look a certain way or be smoothed over with that other child and parent. I think you said that perfectly. I think you there are so many valid points that you're making there, and and I think the most important thing as parents that we can do is support our children and know have them know that we're there to support them. Even if there's a situation that there may have been a disagreement, if they're they need to know that their feelings are valid, period. Alright. Well, this brings us to the end of our episode because I think that this is a really healthy conversation. Yes. And I hope that it is extremely helpful for parents out there, whatever age your children are, because this happens, conflict happens, but it gets back to the question that we asked at the beginning. Like, do you really want to know, as the parent, if your son or daughter, you know, is displaying some troublesome behavior, and then how will you handle that communication both with the other parent and with your child? So, hopefully, we gave you, you know, just listening to our stories and our lessons. You know? But we know as parents that everyone gets to make their own choice about how they parent. Yes. And I think another great takeaway is the power of pause. You don't need to react right away. You can, as the parent, can take a moment to collect your thoughts and decide how you want to react to what others might be telling you. You can take that pause to react to the information you were given. Alright. So, yep, we're signing out on the power of pause. Make it a great day. Thank you for listening to this episode of parent coaches unleashed with Carrie and Jessica. Together, we can raise the next generation of independent, capable, and compassionate young adults. We encourage you to send us an email with questions and feedback to info at parent coaches unleashed.com. Please remember you are not alone on this parenting journey.