Episode 20: Steering Through Stormy Relationships: Strategies for Navigating Toxicity and Preserving Self-Care

Welcome to another episode of Full Circle with Shawn, where we sail the stormy seas of toxic relationships. Ever felt like someone in your life was an anchor, dragging you down? That's what we're tackling today – the insidious nature of toxic individuals and their impact on our personal peace. From manipulative family members to corrosive colleagues, we expose the traits you need to watch for and share the life preservers that can keep you afloat. Say goodbye to the stress and self-doubt these relationships can stir up as we chart a course toward healthier interactions and stronger boundaries.

Today's conversation unpacks some serious navigational tools for those rough professional waters. We're talking about maintaining your cool with toxic customers, keeping your ship steady with problematic peers, and even when to send up a flare to management. The workplace doesn't have to be a battleground, and you'll leave armed with strategies to document, communicate, and mediate like a pro. Plus, you'll hear how to recalibrate your compass when business relationships drift off course, ensuring you stay true to your values and emotional well-being.

We wrap up this voyage with an exploration of the continuity of human history and how the challenges we face today echo those of the past, albeit in a modern setting. Before we set anchor, remember this isn't just about surviving – it's about thriving. We're here to remind you that taking time for self-care isn't just a luxury; it's essential for weathering the storms ahead. So, sit back, relax, and let's navigate these waters together on Full Circle with Shawn.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome to Full Circle with Sean. Today we're going to be talking about navigating negativity, so basically dealing with toxic people in every sphere of your life. So we'll start with what is a toxic person, and a toxic person is someone who behaves consistently negatively, right and to impact others around them, and they're often manipulative, negative, they lack empathy and they have a tendency to engage in, say, harmful or abusive interactions. So the first thing we need to do is determine if it's toxicity. So we look at a few areas. We start with manipulative behavior. We look at a few areas. We start with manipulative behavior so we can see when people often use cunning or some kind of control to influence other people for their personal gain.

Speaker 1: 0:56

These people lack empathy, so they show little to no regard for other people's feelings, other people's needs or even other people's experiences. They are persistent in their negativity, so they frequently exhibit negative, pessimistic outlook and they drain the energy from those around them. They have poor boundary recognition, so they routinely violate personal boundaries. They show little respect for other people's space or autonomy. They generally are blame shifting, so they deflect their responsibility and they blame others for their own problems or their own failures. They are usually unreliable, so they constantly fail to meet commitments or keep their promises and obviously they erode trust over time. And they are excessively critical, so just overly critical, demeaning or even belittling others, which can undermine other people's self-esteem and even confidence. So it is really important to address toxic behaviors for your own personal well-being and even to maintain healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 2:09

So let's understand the impact of toxicity, from toxicity around you. It can increase your anxiety and your depression, right. So regular exposure to toxic behavior can lead to a heightened anxiety and symptoms of depression, as individuals usually feel undermined all the time or even overwhelmed. They can elevate your stress levels. Constant manipulation and criticism from toxic people can create a stressful environment and with that it triggers the body's stress responses and can lead to physical health issues such as headaches, high blood pressure, etc. Low self-esteem. So persistent negativity and excessive criticism can erode your self-confidence and your self-worth, making you feel that you start doubting your own abilities and even your own value. They can impair relationships. So toxic behaviors that lack empathy or poor boundary recognition can damage both your personal and your professional relationships, leading to isolation. They can lead to decreased productivity, right. So the unreliable and pervasive negativity of a toxic individual can hinder focus and motivation, and that can impact your productivity at work, or even if you're in school, it would obviously affect you in school. And then the main piece is it will affect your overall life satisfaction. So living or interacting regularly with a toxic person can significantly diminish your overall life satisfaction and basically make you unhappy and discontent.

Speaker 1: 4:00

So let's start with family members. How do we deal with family members? And it really starts with clear communication.

Speaker 1: 4:10

You need to explicitly communicate your needs and limits to the toxic person in a clear and straightforward manner, without being aggressive and without being confrontational, right? You're just trying to communicate your needs. You need to have consistency, so you need to consistently enforce the boundaries that you set. Any inconsistencies can send mixed signals and they will be exploited by a toxic individual. You need to avoid jade, right? So what is jade? Jade is justify, argue, defend and explain.

Speaker 1: 4:46

So a lot of people will over-explain the reasons that you're setting boundaries, or debate and try to defend why you have boundaries. You need to just stop that. They're your boundaries, it's you. So avoid over-explaining your reasons for setting boundaries, as this can really lead to to debate and further manipulation. Use the I statement Right. So frame your communications from your perspective, to avoid blame and make it harder for the other person to argue against your feelings, like I feel overwhelmed or I don't like how close you are Right, I don't like how close you are right. So, if possible, limit your interaction, right. Reduce the amount of time you spend with the toxic person and decide in advance If you're going to see other people and that person will be there or a group of people will be there. Decide in advance how long and in what context that you'll interact with them, and you can always seek support, what context that you'll interact with them and you can always seek support. So you can lean on other friends, families and even professionals, if required for support and advice on dealing with the specific toxic family members. And then prepare for pushback, be prepared for resistance. Toxic individuals will still test your boundaries. You need to stay firm and continuously reiterate your limits as many times as necessary. So that's family members.

Speaker 1: 6:13

So let's move into friends, right? So? First, with friends, we want to do a reciprocity check. So we want to evaluate if there's a balance of give and take in our friendship. Healthy relationships always involve mutual support and mutual effort. So does that exist? We want to assess our emotional impact right. So reflect on how you feel after interacting with your friend. If you constantly feel drained, upset or stressed, it might indicate that there's some kind of toxic dynamic going on. Stressed, it might indicate that there's some kind of toxic dynamic going on.

Speaker 1: 6:47

You want to respect for boundaries. This is the same as we were talking about with family. Observe if your friend respects your personal boundaries or if they routinely ignore or challenge your boundaries. You want to look for trust and reliability. So consider whether you can rely on your friend. Trustworthiness and consistency are foundational to healthy relationships and I went over that before in one of my previous episodes of the Friend I Could Call at 3 am and there would be no questions asked. It would be supportive, he would help me and that would be that. So trust and reliability, really right. Shared values and interests so is there a strong base of shared interests and values, and those are really crucial for long-term compatibility and satisfaction of both parties. So both of you.

Speaker 1: 7:38

And then your conflict resolution. So how are conflicts handled in your friendship? In a healthy friendship, conflicts are resolved respectfully and without resorting to blame or avoidance. So how are your conflicts with your friend? Freedom of expression right. Can you freely express yourself and be open without fear of judgment or retaliation? And then a very important aspect is growth support, right? So does your friend support your personal growth or do they feel threatened by it? So friends should encourage each other's development. They should celebrate successes together, or even just your success. And yeah, if they're constantly jealous about that or they have other issues with that, then there's obviously an issue.

Speaker 1: 8:27

And now let's move on to toxicity in the workplace. So toxic colleagues Now it's important that you always maintain your professionalism, okay, so always keep your interactions polite and focused on work-related issues. Really avoid getting drawn into those personal conflicts or the office politics. Make sure you do set clear boundaries, as we've talked about in the other areas, but it's a lot more than just setting your clear boundaries, because you can set your clear boundaries and nobody knows about them. So you need to communicate your boundaries very clearly. You need to let colleagues know what behavior you consider acceptable and what you do not tolerate in the workplace.

Speaker 1: 9:11

Now the next thing which is really important is document your interaction. So keep a record of interactions with toxic colleagues, especially those that may require escalation. So you know, as we talked about, boundaries are being voided and negative behavior and just keep that record and it can provide a very clear account of events. If it's needed, you can always seek support from management. So if a toxic colleague's behavior affects your work or well-being, discuss it with your supervisor or HR and they can provide some guidance as well, or even step in. You can limit your engagement, as we've done with all the other areas. So minimize your interaction with that colleague and when you do have to interact or you do pass them in the hall keep it brief and focused on the task or what's going on right now.

Speaker 1: 10:04

Use neutral communications and this is really important so you communicate a neutral and factual manner, so you avoid any emotional responses which can escalate the conflicts or create further issues. And then focus on your personal well-being. Engage in stress-reducing activities outside of work, right. So exercise, hobbies, spending time with loved ones, keeping a healthy work-life balance can really mitigate the impact of the negativity in the workplace and then develop coping strategies so you can identify and practice coping mechanisms that help you remain calm and collected in challenging situations situations Some of these are like deep breathing, taking short breaks and, you know, even sitting down with some trusted colleagues and having honest, open conversation. So that's the first level of the workplace.

Speaker 1: 10:59

But what if your supervisors are the ones that are toxic? Right, so it's very similar, okay. So again, we maintain our professionalism. We don't want to compromise who we are or turn into people like they are just because they're toxic. And, again, we need to document our interactions. So we keep detailed records of all of our interactions, especially like dates, times, context of what's going on, and you can even have a witness or who was there. You can seek clarification, especially like dates, times, context of what's going on, and you can even have a witness or who was there.

Speaker 1: 11:31

Right, you can seek clarification. So, when receiving unclear or unreasonable tasks, politely ask for clarification and, as with everything else, you establish boundaries. You use discretion in communication. So communicate concerns or issues with your supervisor in private settings and make sure you choose your words carefully to avoid retaliation. Seek support so you can talk to other colleagues, trusted colleagues, and some might actually be in similar situations and can offer very valuable insights and then you can go. If it's bad, you go to HR. You go to HR for intervention and they deal with your supervisor if there's harassment, discrimination or constant breaches to your workplace policies and by have documented everything before. It will provide clear count of the issue. And I do recommend that before you escalate anything externally, you always explore all internal avenues, right? So if you're not getting the help you need, go to a higher level manager or use internal mediation services, if your company has those, and then plan for the future, right. If the situation does not improve, then plan an exit strategy, look for other opportunities it can be even in a different organization.

Speaker 1: 12:54

You need to find a healthy work environment, and then sometimes it isn't about your colleagues they're great, your supervisors are great it's the customers. You're getting toxic customers, or you have toxic customers, or it could just be that one customer, right? So what do you do with a toxic customer? And the first thing you need to do is stay calm and composed. And sure, you might be burning up inside, but you need to maintain a calm demeanor, regardless of the customer's tone or their behavior. Staying composed can help prevent the situation from escalating. Then the second thing you need to do is actively listen and I do talk about active listening in other podcasts that I've done and I will do a full episode just on active listening in the future. But you need to give your customer your full attention. You need to listen to their concerns without interrupting, and acknowledge their feelings. This will help a customer feel heard and a customer feel valued. Right, and then you should empathize with the customer.

Speaker 1: 14:00

Express empathy for the customer's situation, use personal phrases like I understand why you would be frustrated to show that you are considering their perspective and then offer a solution. Rather than focusing on the problem, quickly move to offer practical solutions. If immediate solutions aren't available, explain the steps you will take to find one. And make sure you keep communications clear. Use clear and straightforward language to avoid any misunderstandings. In fact, I like to repeat or even rephrase key points that I've said to the customer.

Speaker 1: 14:35

If they're starting to calm down or we're starting to come to some consensus, right, you need to make sure that you've set boundaries. So if it's a bit out of hand, politely set boundaries. If a customer becomes abusive or excessively demanding, say you know I'm here to help, but I need you to speak to us. Respectively, I need you to stand over there, please. You know, use de-escalation techniques when tensions rise, lower your voice, slow down your speech. Often this can lead a customer to mirror your actions and calm down as well and then know when to escalate. There are times where you can't help. Then you need to escalate the matter to a supervisor or another department and then, at the end of the day, you need to follow up After resolving the issue, follow up with the customer to ensure they're satisfied with the solution and start to rebuild trust with that client.

Speaker 1: 15:31

Now, that's saying that the toxic customer came in because there was a problem with something that you guys sold or you did, or they're having a bad day and they just needed to vent because something wasn't right. But you will get customers that come in that you can't reason with right and at that point you should escalate. You should escalate to a supervisor. You definitely want to try the mirroring technique. So slow down your speech, talk a little bit slower and lower your voice right, so I completely understand where you're coming from and then get a supervisor or a manager, because your management should be trained to deal with those situations, if you haven't been. Which is really around.

Speaker 1: 16:20

When do you draw the line right? So when do you draw the line so you start a clear code of conduct? So when do you draw the line? So you start a clear code of conduct. So you establish a clear code of conduct that outlines acceptable and unacceptable behaviors for both customers and employees, and that should be within your company or organization, and it should specifically address abuse and harassment. There should be employee training. So training employees on how to recognize, handle and report abusive behaviors. Train your employees on how to recognize, handle and report abusive behaviors, and inside the training should include conflict resolution and de-escalation techniques. There should be support systems where employees can report incidents without fear of repercussions, and that might even include anonymous reporting options.

Speaker 1: 17:10

Prompt response to incidents is very important in a company, so you need to make sure that if a complaint is made or if somebody's breached the code of conduct, that procedures are in place for quickly and effectively responding to the incidents, and this shows employees that their well-being is a priority right. And then we need to empower employees. So empower employees with the authority to terminate interactions that become abusive without requiring supervisor approval. So let's go back to that example. Somebody comes in, they're irate, they're unreasonable and they are becoming abusive. Irate, they're unreasonable and they are becoming abusive. You can stop that. Ask them to leave, whatever you need to do to get into a safe environment again, or one that you feel safe without worrying that there's going to be a reprisal for you, no matter who comes in, it can be anybody, it could be one of the biggest clients, and that's just the way it is. You don't treat people like that, and we've talked about that in some other episodes and we will continually talk about that, and while there's a whole lot more things we can talk about with that, really, cultural enforcement is a big one, so companies should cultivate a culture that promotes respect and dignity, and this will discourage abusive behavior. It'll discourage abusive behavior from other employees. It'll also customers will know that this is not the place to act like that. It supports more positive interactions.

Speaker 1: 18:42

Now I'll tell you, if we go start with family, family, um, my sister, my older sister, um, had a lot of problems and and she's she's a toxic person, or she was a long time ago I don't know, I haven't talked to her in 20 years, but she was and she was manipulative and um basically use people for money and and it was very toxic. And what I did is I decided, okay, I can't deal with that anymore, I need a break from that. It was messing with my mental health, and so I stepped away from that. And then, if you go to friends, I have had friends where at some point I realized that they were toxic. And you don't always realize straight away, right, because people are very good at hiding who they are. I always said that when I was dating a long time ago. I always said you don't know who a girlfriend is until you break up with her, right, because that's when people go nuts, and I'm not saying it's just girls, it's guys as well, for the girl side. But you don't technically know who people are for an extended amount of time, until they get more comfortable.

Speaker 1: 19:57

It's like business. I was doing business with those people. I actually let them in on part of my projects and formed a relationship, and it wasn't until they got really comfortable with me six months a year in, maybe it was more than a year, and I was riding in a vehicle with them and their mentality toward certain things were just completely opposite to my values the way they were talking and, straight away, red flag, red flag. And how did I not pick this up before? And I need to do something about this. So, and then I talked to my mentor and how do I, how do I get out of this and and and he helped me, he, he, he helped me get out of that, that, that whole situation. So, yes, it happens all the time. I've got toxic customers. Every once in a while I get a toxic customer. It's not just like, oh yeah, I got rid of a toxic customer. No, oh crap, I got another toxic customer, because that's just life right.

Speaker 1: 20:57

So sometimes it is about identifying that, not letting them affect your life, affect your life, and if you identify that they are toxic and you reflect that it doesn't have a reflection on you. It's who they are, it's not who you are. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. It's them, it's not you. You know, it's like the old thing it's me, it's not you. Now, it's them, it's definitely them and it is not you.

Speaker 1: 21:25

And you need to acknowledge that and then decide what to do about it, because you're in charge of you, they're not in charge of you. I mean, sure, at work you have supervisors which give you direction and tell you the tasks you have to do, but they're not in charge of you. They're in charge of things that you might do because it's your job, but they're not in charge of you and you should really reflect on that and I guess that comes a little bit with self-care. You need to recognize your own personal needs. You know, understand and acknowledge your own emotional and psychological needs, because recognizing these can make you feel a lot more fulfilled and reduce your stress and it's just really good for your mental health. You need to set your own boundaries so it isn't just because you found a toxic person in any of these environments or you finally realize that there's a toxic person because they're probably already there in any of these environments. You should already establish your boundaries because that'll protect your emotional well-being and you should have regular self-reflection. So you should always engage in regular self-reflection to assess your own feelings and then you can adjust your lifestyle and self-reflection can really help you identify stressors and work on effective coping mechanisms. You really need to practice self-compassion and you need to treat yourself with kindness and yourself with understanding, especially during the really tough times.

Speaker 1: 23:01

Everybody has a bad day. I say that a lot. Everybody has a bad day and everybody will have a bad day. I say that a lot. Everybody has a bad day and everybody will have a bad day. And I'll have another bad day and I'll have a lot more bad days, but it's how many good days can I have? But when you're having a bad day, avoid self-criticism. Allow yourself some space to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes and reflect on that to grow, to get better I mean, that is how we grow and then, at the end of the day, prioritize some relaxation and some recreation.

Speaker 1: 23:36

So always make sure that you make time for yourself and do something that relaxes you or rejuvenates you and that, again, could be hobbies, exercise, meditation. You know it could be sitting down and reading a book. If that's what you need, if that's what relaxes or rejuvenates you, you need to do it. It isn't about oh yeah, I'm too busy today. Well, you're always going to be too busy. Go and go and do it. Take the time and do it.

Speaker 1: 24:05

For me it might be, you know, like a good sci-fi. So I might turn on Netflix or or Prime or one of the million, you know paid subscription things that you have to have, and you find one show on each of them that you actually like. So you have to get all of them. You know, it might be just just for me it's a one show that I sit there and all of a sudden, the whole world is gone, and that's where I am. I'm in some really cool futuristic world. That's where I am, or I do read as well. I enjoy both self-help books and I'm actually reading one right now, which is old Chinese proverbs, where they some of the really cool philosophers from a very long time ago and I like to reflect on how is that applicable today? Were they on to something?

Speaker 1: 24:57

Because a lot of stuff that we talk about on this show besides you know events, but a lot of things we talk about this isn't the first time they're talked about. They've been talked about all through history. We are people. We have always had the same thing going on. Now, yes, we're more connected and we have more stuff, and society might have gotten better. You know we're not fighting each other for food or a mate, but well, some people still fight for food. If anybody remembers COVID, I mean, shoot, they were fighting for toilet paper. But at the end of the day, we might continue to evolve as a society, but these basic fundamentals are the same. So I do hope that you enjoyed our chat today and on the next one we'll be talking about expat life. So thanks for joining me on Full Circle with Sean and I look forward to chatting in the next one.