4. Shedding the Approval Armor for Genuine Living

Caught in the constant cycle of saying 'yes' to keep the peace, even when your heart screams 'no'? You're not alone. My girl friends and I recently peeled back the layers of our own people-pleasing tendencies, unearthing the emotional toll it takes on our authenticity and mental well-being. In a heart-to-heart that might mirror your own, we discuss the subtleties of these behaviors, from deferring to others' choices to pacifying their anger, all while sacrificing our self-respect. This episode is your wake-up call, complete with personal stories and a nod to that time on Friends when even our favorite characters grappled with similar issues.

Taking that first step towards prioritizing your own well-being can feel like a leap into the unknown, but I'm right here with you. Let's take the first step of this journey together, fostering fulfillment and honoring the incredible potential that lies within each of us. 

By tuning in and joining our community through subscribing and sharing, you help spread a message of self-improvement and motivation that can truly ignite change. I'm eager for our next conversation, where we'll continue to embrace the ups and downs of our transformative paths. Let's celebrate every milestone of personal growth and inspire one another to keep moving forward.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, welcome to the podcast between hard and brave. I'm Sarah, and I'm here to be with you in your personal growth and self-improvement journey, and I'm here to share my own life experiences with you. I'm a yoga teacher, a business intelligence manager with a master's degree in IT, and Nobel Queen International 2023 with health and wellness advocacy. I'm so excited to start this journey with you, to uplift you with positivity, the power of mindfulness and yoga and the freedom of conscious living. So let's start together and take a moment for yourself. Take a moment for yourself. Hello, hello, welcome to my podcast If this is your first time listening to me, or welcome back if it's not your first time. Today, I want to talk about people pleasing and how that stops us from creating authentic relationships and friendships. The reason that I'm talking about it today is that yesterday, me and my girlfriends were talking about it at a cafe. It was one of my friends' birthday and we decided to gather Very nice time together, usually three of us. When we hang out, we just talk about anything and everything. We learn from each other, we share our experience and insights and, although we don't always agree but we usually do, but not all the time we always learn from each other. So the topic of discussion was being a people pleaser and the effects it has on the person who is a people pleaser and the people around them. Let me tell you a short story. Me and my sister have this rule, or used to have this rule, because now we're both married, living in separate places, but before we had this rule that every time it's one of our birthdays, the person who's celebrating their birthday has the authorization or the ability to ask for anything, and then the other person has to just follow. For example, we ask each other for, like a 45-minute massage, or do my task, do this, do that, and we really have a lot of fun with it usually. So I was telling my friend yesterday that hey, since it's your birthday, maybe you choose this time where to eat or what to do, because she's usually very considerate and she just lets other people choose, and that started her talking about how she's working on communicating her needs more often, which is something that I personally do relate to, or I have had other friends who talk about it as well. People-pleasing can be different and it's not the same for everyone. For example, for this friend of mine, it's allowing other people to choose where to eat or what kind of cuisine or where to go to for another person or like me or how I used to be, is that when I find someone who is upset with me, I just really try to calm them down or reassure them, where at times that it's really not my job or I shouldn't worry about it. That person might not even be fair in their judgment. So, yeah, we're just talking about these things. I want to talk about my own kind of people pleasing first. I want to talk about my own kind of people pleasing first.

Speaker 1: 3:46

I was watching this episode of Friends you probably might have watched if you watch Friends when Monica is doing her best to please Rachel's mom Because she forgot to invite Rachel's mom earlier, so she had to just give her a very short notice and the mother was kind of upset about it. So throughout the whole celebration she was just trying to give the mother a lot of attention, even though she was being mean at times or was snubbing her. So by the end of the party, phoebe just told Monica that Monica, can you stop doing what you're doing? And Monica said that I just can't stand it when people are mad at me. Phoebe said why is it like that? You are the one who threw her daughter a very nice party. You invited her. Yes, you made made a mistake, but then you apologize and you've been reaching out to her and she's still being a mean woman to you until now. So why are you still trying and trying? It's okay that sometimes people are mad at you, and Monica made that realization. Then she was able to speak her truth and was able to tell that lady that you're not right for what you're doing.

Speaker 1: 5:02

Instead of appreciating you're not right for what you're doing. Instead of appreciating you're actually making it a bad experience for us or for me. That's something that I can relate to. I used to be like that and I might still be like that. I don't think I have completely changed. When I found someone upset with me, I really tried my best to make them feel comfortable. Or if someone was feeling out of place, I usually think that they're shy, but a lot of times they're just being snobbish. You know it's not my responsibility to always involve everyone. That's a lot of work. That's really mentally tiring. It makes my brain really tired. So when I watched that episode, I actually had this moment of reflection and I was like, okay, I think that's a very good point of view. I'm going to incorporate that and try to look at it differently and since then I've been enjoying that decision of changing my approach.

Speaker 1: 6:11

I have to respect myself. I have to respect my efforts. I have to respect my energy. I shouldn't use my energy just for other people. I eat, I sleep to have enough energy and then I'm just going to waste it like that, especially at times that I don't even feel like I'm at fault or what is it. Am I just here to make other people feel comfortable, then who's going to make me feel comfortable if I'm not fault, or what is it? Am I just here to make other people feel comfortable? Then who's gonna make me feel comfortable if I'm not even there for myself? So that's one way of being a people pleaser. I'm pretty sure there are so many ways, but basically the general idea is the same prioritizing another, another person over us, too much or a little extra.

Speaker 1: 6:58

So my friend, she said that when she goes out, she usually asks or allows the other person to choose even her date. Or when she's out, if they ask her, hey, are you? You hungry? Even though she's really, really hungry. She would just say no, and then people would eat or maybe not offer her a lot of food, or her partner wouldn't really ask her twice or three times if you're hungry, and she would feel a little disheartened that she wasn't asked again, which I understand her point of view because we're not comfortable with other people as much as we are with our partners. So if, for example, I'm with my side of the family my partner and I and he would just say, oh, I'm not hungry, I would clarify. I think, or I hope that I remember to clarify. Maybe he's being shy, I understand, but at the same time, it's every person's responsibility to talk their truth. So if they're really hungry, it's okay to say that, oh, yes, I am hungry or I do not eat this kind of food. Although I appreciate your offer, this is not something that I consider in my diet for whatever reason.

Speaker 1: 8:25

Basically, being able to talk our needs and our wants, we can be ourselves, we can be individuals and being an individual is really beautiful. So think about it like that you go out with your friends or with your partner. You actually choose the kind of food that you like, the kind of restaurant that you like, the places that you'd like to go to the kind of music that you like, rather than always listening to their kind of music in the car or at a party, I don't know, even at your own place or their place, anyways, basically, you're holding back and you're not sharing your personality with the world and with other people. It's also a little unfair to them, because if you actually share your playlist, people can get introduced to beautiful songs. For example, if you share your favorite restaurant, your partner or your friend might get introduced to a place that they would really enjoy and they would come back to. Or you will understand or get to know each other deeper than before. That creates closeness and a deeper connection, and that's what we want in authentic friendships and relationships.

Speaker 1: 9:52

We don't want to always be agreeing. It's okay not to always be on the same page. It's okay to share how you feel and how you think, and that's actually how it should be truth with other people and you always allow them to choose. Eventually, you end up building resentment for that person because you always prioritize them over your own self. So, subconsciously, you start to resent them, you might start to be upset with them and you might not even notice where it's coming from. Maybe after a long time, maybe after years, but then when you think about it deeply, then you realize, oh, actually, this might be the reason.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So that's also unfair to the other person, isn't it? Let your personality shine. Let people be friends with the real you, let the real you live in this world and share her own self to this world, because no one else is going to be you if you're not you. I'm pretty sure you've heard it so many times, but it's really, really, really true. No one else is going to be you. It's only you who can be you. So share you with other people, share your likes, share your heart, share your mind with other people, your interest, your unique personality, your jokes, your laughter, your sadness, anything. Just just be you, be comfortable in your skin.

Speaker 1: 11:37

This process is easier said than done, but it's possible. I myself am still in practice and I'm still trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I have been working on it for a long time, but specifically recently it's been about people pleasing. Generally, I feel happier and more content. I feel much better, despite what I used to think, that if I actually hold back and let things flow smoothly without my intervention, it would be easier or it would be more peaceful, but that's not true. Your inner world should be peaceful. You should be satisfied, so the outer world also becomes peaceful and happy for you. Let us also be realistic.

Speaker 1: 12:31

A lot of times, when we share our real self, not everyone will appreciate it right. So a lot of times it might not be appreciated, it might not be accepted, and I just want to remind you that that's okay. It might not be accepted and I just want to remind you that that's okay. That's okay if you share your true self with someone and they did not like it. They step back, they are distant from you or they will mean about it, which I think this says a lot about them than you. You were able to get away from a situation or a person that doesn't serve you, that's not aligned with you. Why would you want to be with people who are not aligned with you, who don't let you be your true self, who like why? Why do we want to do that right? So it's okay. You share your authentic self. It either works and you make deeper connections, or it doesn't, and then you know to move on and invest your energy and happiness somewhere else rather than somewhere that doesn't work.

Speaker 1: 13:34

It's normal to have fear of rejection, but we shouldn't focus on it. It's okay to be rejected. That's just how life is, even if, when we want to apply for a job, we apply so many times and we get the job, and we want to have friends. We try so many times. Friendship fails, but some of them last a long time or maybe throughout our lives. We meet a lot of people and relationships and they fail and in the end, we end up with the person that's right for us, and that person could be us or someone else, so it's okay. Rejection is not that scary.

Speaker 1: 14:14

Honestly, if you just shift your focus from what's out there for you, what's waiting for you, then, what didn't serve you. Also, please remember that when you try to please people, you're basically telling them that there is inequality in the friendship or relationship, that you don't feel like you two are the same. You feel like there is a hierarchy. You feel like you always have to get the approval of other person, and that's not a nice feeling, especially for you, and it could be also not nice for the other person. If they're looking for a healthy friendship or a healthy relationship, that they shouldn't always also think that they have to be the you know, know, the person that makes the decision, because making the decision all the time is also a little heavy. If you've been there, you probably know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 15:17

If you have had friendships or relationships that you always have to be the one who plans something out, who makes the decision of where to go, how things should be, that would be tiring. It's nice to sometimes share the responsibility. We might not always be 100% present mentally, so it's nice to be able to rely on another person. Rely on another person and, trust me, once you get used to sharing your authentic self, a few years from the moment you made that decision, you're going to look back and you're going to be happy that you lived life the way that you wanted to. You went to places that you wanted to go to, you met people that you enjoyed their companion, the companionship and you ate the kind of food that you enjoy. You tried experiences that you wanted to experience, because we've got this life to live to live for us, not for other people. Let us remember that.

Speaker 1: 16:23

Thank you, dear listeners, for joining me on this empowering journey today. As we conclude this episode, remember that your potential is boundless and your journey to a more fulfilling life has only just begun. I'm here to support you every step of the way, so keep coming back for more insights and inspiration. And remember this podcast is proudly independent, created with a passion for making a positive impact. Your support means the world to me, so please consider subscribing and sharing it with the people you know. Together, we can inspire more individuals on their journey to empowerment and a better life. See you soon for more life-changing discussions. Until we meet again, stay empowered.