father's day reflections: celebrating the role of dads

Join Oscar and Blandon in this Father's Day special episode of The Daughtered Podcast as they delve into what being a father truly means. Discover the origins of Father's Day, the complexities surrounding the holiday, and the personal journeys both hosts have navigated as dads. From historical insights to heartfelt conversations, this episode aims to foster a deeper understanding and appreciation of fatherhood. Perfect for dads raising daughters and anyone interested in the dynamics of father-son and father-daughter relationships. Tune in for an honest, touching, and enlightening discussion designed to help fathers think, talk, and thrive.

Transcript

0:00

This is the Daughtered Podcast, where dads come to talk, think, and thrive with your hosts, Oscar and Blandon. Our mission is to cultivate a community of strong, mindful, and present fathers. We want to curate honest conversations with all men, but especially those who have the honor of raising daughters.

Oscar: 0:17

Hey, everyone. Oscar here, The Daughter Podcast. Landon, over on the other side. How you doing, man?

Blandon: 0:23

Yeah, man. I'm doing all right. I'm just coming back into town from a work trip, but, this was super important. So yeah, I'm doing great. How are you?

Oscar: 0:34

I'm doing alright. It was a week, but as you mentioned, this is a labor of love for us. We're gonna get this, we're gonna get this on the road today, particularly,

Blandon: 0:45

Yeah.

Oscar: 0:45

It's a father's day special. So we're here to talk about fathers because I think we're fathers.

Blandon: 0:52

Yeah. I think that's the whole point of the podcast that we are girl dads, right?

Oscar: 0:57

they keep telling me I'm a dad, so I'm, I, I'm going to go with it. You know? So Father's Day, it's, it's, uh, I say it's controversial. I say it's controversial because there's so many different, views of Father's Day, depending on your background, depending on if your father's alive, your father's, dead, or if you have had good relationships, bad relationships, all these different things. Looking through what Father's Day means, quote unquote, right? So looking at the internet, the interwebs, talked about Father's Day being initiated in 1910. I did not know these things, so this was a learning thing for me. 1910, initiated by a daughter for her father.

Blandon: 1:45

Of course it was initiated by a daughter, which is why we're biased and girl dads, because our girls will always take care of us.

Oscar: 1:54

We're taking that bias all the way to the bank, baby. And so her name was Sonora Smart Dodd. She was from Spokane, Washington, and her father, a Civil War veteran.

Blandon: 2:07

Shout out Spokane

Oscar: 2:08

outspoken man, can't wait to go back over there. So her father was a civil war veteran, raised her and her siblings, her and her five siblings after the death of her mother during childbirth. So he was a single father of daughters and it doesn't say here if he had sons, but, we know that he had a daughter and so he was daughter and apparently he rocked it enough to trigger her daughter to say, Hey, you know what? I'm sitting here. In a sermon about Mother's Day, right? 1908. And realize, why don't we have one for Father's Day?

Blandon: 2:47

Yeah.

Oscar: 2:50

And so she started working that. Uh, originally it started through the religious community that she was in. So it was in a religious, um, holiday, if you will. And then back in 1924, President Coolidge gave his support for the observance, and then in 1966, Lyndon B. Johnson issued a proclamation saying that it was going to be recognized as Father's Day, and then it became a national holiday in 1972. Now, this is where the controversy starts, right, because when we say national holiday, I want a day off. And I'm not getting no days off. And I'm not talking about being a father days off. I'm talking about work.

Blandon: 3:35

Right. Well, because it's on the third Sunday of June, sir. So you're not working on Sunday. Well, I guess you're always working. I'm not working on Sunday. So

Oscar: 3:45

That's just convenient. That's all I'm saying. Let's just put it on the weekend.

Blandon: 3:51

I mean, we'll be fair. Mother's Day is on the weekend as well. So

Oscar: 3:55

But it's Mother's Day all day. Like, every day. As it should be. Right?

Blandon: 4:04

as it should be. Yeah, we should celebrate every day. But you know, I mean, I guess we should get a little nudge and acknowledgment to, Hey, you, you had another interesting fact. So there's like color coded things for father's day, right? Or flower.

Oscar: 4:21

It talks about wearing a white rose if your father is a white rose. Has passed away

Blandon: 4:31

Okay.

Oscar: 4:31

and wearing a red rose if your father is still alive.

Blandon: 4:36

All right.

Oscar: 4:38

I'll tell you what, I literally have not seen this.

Blandon: 4:41

I've never seen this. I never heard this. I've never seen this.

Oscar: 4:47

So must've been just early on when it was like for reals. Now it's just a commercial holiday where, where home Depot sells you a bunch of stuff for father's day. And I'm not going to lie. I I'm interested.

Blandon: 5:02

Right. But we don't even get most of that stuff from Home Depot. Right? Well, a lot of fathers do. I've actually had some pretty great father's day from my wife. So I can't complain about that, but I do know that some fathers, some dads, You know, they get the tie or tube socks or underwear, you know, they're not getting real nice gifts, I guess, like, like mothers do on Mother's Day. But then that's also part of the controversy, right? There was like dads who were against Father's Day.

Oscar: 5:37

Yeah. So early on, there was some controversy to the holiday because there was a thought of, domestication, of manly hood.

Blandon: 5:47

Yeah.

Oscar: 5:48

and I think that's maybe still going on here and there. It, you know, honestly, it all depends on what this day really means to you, right? And how you, um, I think it's how you introspect the day, right? Mother's Day, for example, you You try to really think about the magnitude of this woman who gave birth to you, who gave birth to your children, who gave birth to your mother and your wife. And you know, multiplied the earth for lack of better terms. And so that's, that's such a big, I mean, such a big deal. So I think if we take the same approach to father's day, Or I should say, I think it's important to take the same approach to Father's Day. Not just for your father or your father figure, but also in my opinion, for, for those that made you a father, what do you think of that?

Blandon: 6:50

Yeah. No, I agree. Um, however, you know, Father's Day for me is, is complicated as I know it's for a lot of other, Sons, um, and daughters, but I can only speak for the sons and it's kind of like that, you know, for several different reasons, right? Father's day is complicated. There's the high rate of absentee fatherism, or, you know, like fathers who were never there. And I think you compare and contrast with mother's day because as the old saying goes, daddies. Uh, maybe mama's baby, right? Or mama's baby, daddy's maybe. Kind of situation, right? So you know who your mother is. Right. You, you know, for sure that this woman, or a lot of times, you know, for sure this woman is the woman who gave birth to you, but a lot of times, know, people struggle with who their father is, understanding who their father is, gaining identity from that person. So I get it. I mean, we know many stories about. You know, people in the world who think their father is one person and then find out that no, the mother kind of withheld that information. It turns out to be another guy. He didn't even know about the kid or, or the story, you know, whatever the case may be. So it's just difficult with fathers, right. And children on father's day. And, and for me, it's complicated cause I bring my own set of issues into father's day. my biological father, you know, was a presence early on in my life, but then after, uh, him and my mother's marriage dissolved, um, he was no longer a part of my life and that has affected me for a great portion of my life, right? The, his absence in me figuring out like, um, what I did wrong or why wasn't I worth fighting for. And I was just actually having this conversation with my wife the other day about, my mom never disparaging my father. She never, talked badly about him and that, you know, on holidays like father's day, she wouldn't make me call him, she would say, Hey, you need to call your daddy, on his birthday and father's day and Thanksgiving and Christmas. And, you know, she, she was just very proactive about that until I was, probably about 12 or 13 and I, and I told her. I didn't want to call him anymore because I only talked to him when I called him and he didn't forge forward with a relationship with me. And I'm the child. So I'm like, why am I trying to develop this relationship with this adult? The adult should be trying to develop the relationship with me. So, yeah, I just, you know, father's day for a very long time left a bad taste in my mouth until I did become a father. And, like you said, you want to celebrate the kids because they made you a father. And so then I had to have a different perspective, but me in general, I could sleep through Father's Day. You know, if I'm being really honest.

Oscar: 10:02

Yeah, it, it sounds like maybe just from an outsider's perspective, your mom may have been teaching you to just take ownership of what you are able to take ownership of.

Blandon: 10:16

Right. Yeah.

Oscar: 10:17

You can't control people, right? Like we've talked about this before. There's the people you love, the people you hate, the people that are just around you. There's, there's no way for us to control those people and their actions and reactions and their do's and don'ts it's, it's just, it's crapshoot, right? That you, we can't control that. But that sounds like a brilliant way for her to teach you, like, Yeah, sure. He may not be calling you can, you can control this side of it right now. Obviously that comes with the whole nuances. I'm not a psychologist, so we're not going to sit here and figure those out. But you know, when I look at lessons learned from a present parent, that might be a really good lesson to learn. Like you can take responsibility of your part, you know, And, and then hope for the best, right?

Blandon: 11:11

Right.

Oscar: 11:12

I'm saying that's something that can be internalized. easier looking from the outside in like, Oh, she's teaching you to take ownership of what you, what you can control from the inside. You're like, well, I guess an asshole, like, you know, um, that's interesting, man. What, so I know you said that you can sleep through father's day, but, first of all, I don't think that's literal cause your girls probably wouldn't let you sleep.

Blandon: 11:40

Right. Right.

Oscar: 11:42

And just fun fact, I think early on in my father's days, they would try to make me breakfast and like, let me sleep in. But then I felt bad for sleeping in. Like I felt like, but it's father's day. They want to be with me because they see as the day that they want to be with me. So, uh, it was more like, okay, I can't do that. So, I started to kind of change my perspective. About Father's Day, but they've got to do something to you because they're the reason you're a father, right?

Blandon: 12:16

Right. No. and I want to celebrate with them and I want them to always be able to, come to me, you know, my father, uh, passed away in 2013. So, um, it's not like I'm celebrating with him or celebrating him as a, as a, as a father. Now I, you know, I still honored the position that he held in my life. I, I, I don't say that. You know, I, I don't despair to that. I don't disagree with that. I'm just saying he really didn't honor the role himself in his, for his own self. I'm honoring the role. I'm showing up every day being a present dad and trying to do the best I can. And so I definitely want it to be celebratory for my daughters. I want them to be able to say, Hey dad, I'm taking you out. I want to Do all these things, but I, I see it from another aspect, right? I have my own thing going on with that. with the day, right? Cause then you almost, you also almost feel like an orphan on the day because now, even though he wasn't present, he was absentee now he's gone. So even when he was absentee there, there was hope. That there could be a Father's Day that we could celebrate with each other one year if we ever got it together and reconciled, and now that hope is extinguished, right? There's, there's never going to be a Father's Day that I get together with my father and we can celebrate it and, you know, You know, move forward in a relationship that possibility no longer exists. So there's a feeling about that as well. However, like you said, my perspective has changed because I have my daughters of my own and I do want to make this holiday. just like, Mrs. Dodd. She was a daughter who created the holiday for her father, honoring her father. Because, she didn't have her mother, her mother had passed away. So, you know, I'm pretty sure she was reflecting like, yeah, you're, I'm, you're preaching a sermon about mothers, but the person who affected the most change in my life was my father.

Oscar: 14:37

right.

Blandon: 14:37

I want to honor him and I want to allow my daughters to do that and not allow my stuff to get in the way of that.

Oscar: 14:46

I think the goal is It's always to father our daughters without our stuff getting in the way because we all have that stuff, But like you said, I mean this day is specific to those hardships that you had with your father that that yeah I mean it almost makes it an exercise in presence

Blandon: 15:08

Yeah.

Oscar: 15:09

Right? Like it makes it an exercise in, purposefulness, because you have to be purposeful to allow them to do this thing for you to, and allow yourself to actually enjoy that without having that other stuff in the background. Poke at you at least for in front of them, right?

Blandon: 15:29

Right. Yeah. And that's what I'm saying. I guess I could commiserate with a lot of other, uh, Fathers who feel this way on this day and are just like, it's another day. But you know, maybe they're not like you're saying, taking that time for introspection, taking the time to figure out like why this day feels like a blow over day. You know why this day feels like I could do without this day, you know? Uh, but your kids can't, your kids, they need, they need something. That would help them honor and celebrate you for even the position you hold in their life. And I think that's beneficial. So what about you? What are your, what are your thoughts about father's day?

Oscar: 16:19

man. My thoughts have changed about father's day a lot you know, I had a good father and he taught me a lot of lessons and um, there's some things in the back as well that that, you know, we we worked through and my father is still alive and Um, there's a couple things that I go through in my mind one of the things About my father is, is that, you know, I haven't been home. So I haven't, I don't live near him for the last 17 years, uh, due to just my, my job, but, um,, I try to really focus on like, The positive stuff or the, the stuff that, that brings memories to me, right? Like that we did, that we would talk about that we, did, together. so that definitely comes into play and, and I try to be very purposeful of that specifically on that day. And it feels kind of dirty because like, it's a day. So why am I waiting for this day to do that? You know, and I, and I write the excuse off as like, well, I've got my kids and I'm busy and I'm doing these things. So on this day I'll do it. And so I do try to be purposeful in that manner because I'm not doing it. I'm not thinking through that a lot throughout the day. Right. So this is what, I mean, we'll have conversations on the phone and I'll think through some of those things. But for the most part, this day, I try to be very purposeful, in my alone time to think about my father and the things that we have. But the other thing that I have really tried to be purposeful of now, and this is probably within the last, Two, three years. And I can't tell you what changed it, but, uh, I really like to sit and think about the girls and how they've made me. And, you know, we've talked about in many of our episodes. How my oldest has made me a father and how it's constantly teaching me to be the father that I need to be and push me to do that unknowingly, right? And so then I really try to think through that and as I've started to do that more and more, Father's Day really feels important to me. Like you said, it's kind of a blow over day for you. I legit feel that way about my birthday. My birthday is like, eh, I'm getting older. It's not really that fun to get old. That day I could literally blow over and I don't think I would skip a beat, little things stick around like Megan always makes sure that we have a cake. So that those little things, like I would probably be like, I didn't get a kick today. It would definitely be a different, right. But I can, that day I could be perfectly fine sleeping or blowing that day over father's day has really become the day where I'm like, I'm like responsible for them. I've. I've become this person who I feel they rely on to do certain things and to teach certain things and to, and to be here and to do these things. So Father's Day, I think within the last two, three years, like I, uh, I make it a point to on the weekend, I'm the one making breakfast. I'm getting up and I'm doing these things. And Father's Day, they wanted me to not do that, but that's the day I want to do it the most because it really makes me feel like But this is for you I wouldn't be a father without you and and it goes for my wife too, right because ultimately she went through craziness that is childbirth to make as a father, so i've really gotten to I don't know man. Like that's the day like father's day is like The day where I'm like, not, it's not because I'm being celebrated. It's like the day where I really, when everybody else is thinking about father's day cards and like, I like when my girls make me a card, I can care less about homework. Like they're, they, I just, I can care. You know what I'm saying? Like they're, they're just a piece of paper. They're, I don't know, it's kind of meaningless and don't get me wrong. People do put thought into what card they're going to give you, what it says. And I get that. I don't. You know, blow that off. But man, when the, when my little ones come over and they went through and they made me a card and my middle kid will just put like random stuff on the card, like random stuff, draws, random stuff. I, one day she had like bluey on there. I'm like, what's bluey doing there? She's like, I don't know. Just want to draw it. I'm like, okay.

Blandon: 21:08

Looked like you needed to be there. Yeah, for sure.

Oscar: 21:11

So, but I'm saying like, that's the day today's day. That is, is like that reflective thought exercise of Holy moly. Like I'm a dad and I, and I get that throughout the year. Trust me. Like there's, you know, there's times we've talked about, like, where I'll just kind of sit and stare and like, What is going on? I'm, you know, I'm, I'm a dad. Right. But that day I just like, I find so much joy in just doing the things that I normally do, but on that day I want to keep doing that. So it's like I don't want him to make me breakfast and and then let me sleep in and I didn't want any of that. Like I just want to do the things that I want to do for them because They're the reason i'm here,

Blandon: 22:01

Yeah, yeah. No, I get that. I get that. Uh, I disagree about my birthday being a blow over though. I, I definitely want some recognition and celebration on my birthday, so I disagree with you on that, but I definitely

Oscar: 22:17

said my birthday. I didn't say your birthday. I know how you feel about your birthday

Blandon: 22:22

correct. And so that was, that's, you know, that's a whole nother thing because I think so long, uh, my birthday was, is always butted up against Father's Day, And so. I'm always, I was always reminded of the lack of him and then my birthday, you know, like it's just, and, um, I'll just go ahead and tell the story. I remember I was actually working and, this is after I graduated and I was working in the, in that year, uh, Father's Day fell after my birthday. sometimes it falls before, sometimes it falls after, it just depends. But that year it fell after my birthday. And I remember my father calling me one of the few times he did to remind me as a 18 year old that I did not call him for father's day. Now, mind you, he hadn't called me for my birthday. So, and I made sure he knew that. Um, and then, you know, we just kind of got into a back and forth spat, but you know, once again, I just think that's why the day for me, it's just, it's kind of riddled with, uh, complex, complicated emotions, you know, but again, I don't want to move that forward with my girls. Um, you know, even though I am the some parts of my experience, I think I want, I don't want that experience to outweigh the experiences that we have because we've had a lot of great father's days together. I can't say, yeah, I've, I've experienced, this will be our eighth one, you know, with my oldest and, you know, We've experienced a lot, even when my wife was first, um, when my wife was still pregnant on my quote unquote, very first father's day, uh, she took me out of town. She surprised me with an out of town trip and we had a great time just kind of connecting. We kind of made it, um, part one of our staycation before the baby and all this other, but I've had some really fun father's days, uh, being a dad myself. So I don't want it to be, uh, kind of besmirched by my own stuff in the background.

Oscar: 24:56

you've been a dad for eight years, bro.

Blandon: 24:59

I

Oscar: 24:59

Isn't that crazy? That's

Blandon: 25:01

crazy. It's absolutely crazy. I, and I still remember when I was a dad for like eight minutes, you know, I

Oscar: 25:11

full panic mode

Blandon: 25:13

full foot? No, just full overwhelmed. I can't even, I can't even qualify this panic or it was just overwhelming. It was just overwhelming. And, um, you know, you think you want to just keep that with you. You want to keep that with you on days like that. You want to remember it. These are the, these are the little people that made me a dad. And like you said, your, your wife, like you want to remember your wife because she helped aid you in being a father too. You couldn't be a father without her. She couldn't be a mother without you. So it's that partnership is that it's, it's, you know?

Oscar: 25:51

we'll sit around and we'll look at, uh, I like to look at baby pictures

Blandon: 25:55

Yeah.

Oscar: 25:57

It's right there. Like it's your fault right there. So yeah,

Blandon: 25:59

Yeah.

Oscar: 26:01

day is your fault, you know, and we always joke around, but, uh, but yeah, man, it's, uh, it's, it's father's day. We're hoping that, everyone out there has a good father's day, whether you have stuff in the background or not, remember that you have those, those girls, and even if you have sons, you have those sons, those kids that are, I mean, you're, you're their hero, you're their dad. you're, they're everything. So, uh, let them, let them celebrate you a little bit, right? Let them, let them do the thing. But I, me personally, I challenge fathers to remember on father's day, them, the little ones to remember your wife. Uh, even if you're divorced, like they've made you a father. And without that, this day would really, literally mean nothing, so, hopefully, we've given some, thoughts to think about today. And, if not, or if you disagree, By all means, let us know. Send those, those disagreements over to conversations at daughterpodcast. com. find Blandon and myself on the socials, and actually find us at daughter podcast. You'll find us there. And all the socials, as well as Landon and I through that, cause I'm not going to try to do the whole social thing. Cause I always screw that up on the handles, but the handles are in there. So find us there and, we look forward to hearing from all y'all. So on father's day, I'm Oscar here at the daughter podcast, landing on the other side till the next one.