Once a Mother always a Mother
Once a Mother always a Mother
From Motherhood to In-Law: Navigating the Shift
Navigating the transition from mother to mother-in-law can be a daunting journey filled with emotional complexities and the need for readjustment. Have you ever thought about the day when your child will prioritize their spouse over you? In today's episode of "Once a Mother, Always a Mother," we confront this often-overlooked phase head-on. We'll explore how young mothers, engrossed in the demands of raising small children, may not yet comprehend the emotional hurdles that await them when their children form new families. From societal stereotypes to cultural misunderstandings, we'll unpack the obstacles that can cause friction in this delicate new role and discuss the significance of fostering positive relationships and setting clear boundaries to maintain family harmony.
In the second half of the episode, we're tackling the tricky territory of maintaining healthy boundaries and open lines of communication between in-laws and the married couple. Learn why respecting the couple’s independence and supporting their decisions, whether it's about parenting styles, financial matters, or major life changes, is crucial for family peace. Unsolicited advice and interference can cause rifts, and we emphasize how crucial it is for mother-in-laws to step back and encourage the couple to solve their own problems. A good mother-in-law respects these boundaries, fostering a supportive yet non-intrusive relationship. Join us as we provide concrete strategies to navigate these complex dynamics and ensure a harmonious family life.
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Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of Once a Mother, always a Mother. In today's episode, we'll be talking about a subject which is very related and I would say for some people there is still a lot of time to get there, but for other people it is time, and we are talking about the role of a mother-in-law, which is another phase in the motherhood time. So, without further ado, let's get started. So today's episode is very interesting because maybe there are a lot of people out there who are still very young, who are just having their first child and children, and being a mother-in-law is something that they are not even thinking about yet, or it's not even something that they are seeing as a challenge at the moment. But, honestly speaking, if I look at myself, my children are very small, really really small. One is two years old and the other one is just four years old. So we're speaking about still maybe 20 years from now where I can start thinking about becoming a mother-in-law. But, considering that this is another role that involves a lot of challenges, for me, it was important to start considering how it would be and what are the things that are hard, because at the moment, I'm so focused on becoming a mother and being a good mother, basically trying to level up all the issues and all the challenges that my children are having in the different phases that I'm going to go through. But still, that phase when they will be that phase when they will be big, they will be adults and they will have their partners will be also a new phase for me. As a mother-in-law you go through, or being a son-in-law you also face, you can also understand better your mother-in-law and at that time, when you will get to become one, you also understand what were the challenges and what are the things that you can work on more actively. Are the things that you can work on more actively?
Speaker 1:As we spoke about the importance of the caregiver in the previous episodes, we see that mothers mainly happen to be the pillar of the family and, especially for the kids, they're the people they go to and at some point, when they they're adults, when they have their own lives and their partners and they're building their own families, you're not that main person, you're not the the person to go to anymore, and that's where a lot of women, a lot of mothers, are struggling. It's very hard to basically redefine this new role where you're not the person that your child so your, your small kid was running to at any problem they were facing, or you're not the first person they're coming to tell the news, whether it's a good one or bad one, and trying to readjust and trying to understand that, yeah, you lived from the very start of the life of your child that role in their lives and now you need to readjust to a role which is very different. Although you're still their mother, you still are supportive and you're there for them. The love is there and everything and it's mutual. Also, the love for their uh, from their side hasn't changed, but the role has changed. So this for mother, mother-in-law, sometimes can be a huge, huge um struggle trying to readjust, trying to take a step back and, especially emotionally, trying to understand that now your, your children, need independency. Now they need to take their own decision. Now the person they are prioritizing in their lives is somebody else. I'm not the person they sort of love the most anymore. They have other people that they love the most and they would just talk and be more open to, as compared to, me.
Speaker 1:But you can understand that in all this process there are many issues that come across in these new dynamics and miscommunications are things that are very common because, also, understanding that the spouse, your child's spouse, is coming from a different family, maybe a different culture, maybe different beliefs and ways of living. So, even in that sense, trying to adjust or understand the culture, the religion differences, that is a struggle and a lot of times it's more on the mother-in-law side to understand, to take a step back, try to give that space for the children that now are adults to take their decision, move accordingly, whether you like it or you don't, whether you agree or disagree, because, again, misunderstandings can lead to friction and issues in the relationship and that's basically something that everybody wants to avoid, especially because you want to maintain a happy relationship, a positive one between you and your children and because of because of your children with their spouses and because of your grandchildren that are coming after that with your daughter or son-in-law as well. So it's very important, if not crucial, to make sure that you, you, you have your limitation in that sense, your boundaries, in that sense. It's also true that socially there is this we stereotype a lot mother-in-laws and that's not in one culture and that's not in one culture. I would say there are several cultures where mother-in-laws are seen as the, the villain in the stories and they are um, like that movie mother, a monster, monster in law. So these things are, are seen as um real.
Speaker 1:So even if a mother-in-law is nice, is not um against any of the, against the relationship or anything, but still because this um, the social expectation, let's say they, they are seen as evil, as people that are going to create friction. They're going to be um, they're going to just be in between and trying to just be involved and and create more and more issues between the couple, but sometimes even people that are not like this. It's expected that this is going to happen and, on the other hand, there is also a lot of expectation throughout family, friends and so on, when these dynamics change, because everybody's looking at you as if you're the one who is going to just, you know, be supportive, be a great mother-in-law, just be there for your children and their spouses, be, you know, creating more and more um, a new legacy for the new generation, which is your generation, to go further, and so on, so forth. And those expectations sometimes are also a burden on mother-in-law's because they, even though people might think at that time, you're wise enough, you're you're, you experienced, so you know, you've seen the worst, you know, you know how to behave and you know how to manage all that. But a lot of them can feel very insecure. A lot of them can feel unexpectedly very lost in this, in this new relationship, in this new relationship, in this new roles that the son, their spouse and all the people around are playing now, and they're trying to readjust to it, maybe in a more slow way than all the others, whereas the expectation is that you're already there, right, you are the experienced person, so you should know exactly how it works.
Speaker 1:But that's not always true. There are different matters that um still go through in the family and those are very hard to manage, and one of which is um the the part of aging parents and the ones that have also issues with their health, and we spoke about this matter in the previous um episode, and it is true for a lot of people knowing that at that time when, when your children are are becoming independent, they are building their own families, they have their spouses, they're out of the house in time you're aging, in time you're having health issues, in time, you may need more support from them so from your children. But now your children are not just your children. Your children are also somebody's spouses and they have children of their own. So it becomes even harder to manage and to expect from seeing people that you're so close to, when they were very close to you, all of a sudden, now where there are new dynamics and their responsibilities are different, to expect them to be there for you as you could expect before. So you see that also from their perspective.
Speaker 1:It's really really hard. It's not that easy to just manage all those expectations and your own needs but still trying to put limits and be supportive instead of just putting more burden, which you might start thinking on your children, burden which you might start thinking on your children. So in all this, the biggest challenge is balancing some boundaries, trying to respect the, the, the new family, so your child, your, your child, spouse, children, so the new unit and trying to be there for them, be of support, trying to also let your children be there for you for the needs you have Again speaking about your health issues and so on and so forth. Obviously it's also their responsibility towards you, so that should be also correct to expect to the to some extent and also balancing that extent is also very hard, because you don't want to overstep any boundaries that you know can create some, some tension, some problems between your, your child and and their spouses. So you understand here that balancing the boundaries are basically one of the biggest and one of the hardest to manage for mother-in-law.
Speaker 1:And here are a few of the things that I believe can help in this matter and things that I would expect from my mother-in-law, and there are things that basically I believe they help both parties to have a better relationship, to work together but still have independency in the relationships and in the units, in the family units. Basically, what I would say is understanding now, let's say, from the spouse, from the child's spouse point of view, that there are different expectations and now, all of a sudden, your child is having a different role in their life. So you are not the the primary caregiver anymore. You are a mother who's there for them, but not necessarily they are there for you. So it's important to understand, first of all, that there is this thisattachment from your child's side, and not always criticizing it as if this is wrong, but understanding it because you also have been there with your husband many years ago. So, understanding that part and trying to be in the role or in the shoe of the spouse of your child and try to understand what are their expectations and try to come towards them as much as you can, just feeling like you were in that role many years ago. So seeing that you would understand that it's important that you, you, you try to to, let's say, contain yourself and avoid to overstep, to be too involved.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's hard for mother-in-laws to understand where to draw the line of. That's my limit and it's important to you know, be open for conversation, and sometimes conversation happens between the parties, but it's more related to other things about yeah, these are the things we have decided, mom and dad, so we are going to do this, this, this, this, and sometimes mom and dad are not always very happy about it and those are the conversation like. But conversation about these are the sort of rules or expectations that we as children have from you, as parents and now in-laws for our spouses, and an open conversation speaking about it's okay for us to see each other every xyz time. It's important for us that, considering parenting, so when, when your child is going to have or have children and you're becoming grandparents, trying to understand or even being the person that is going to go towards them, asking those questions what are, what is the kind of parenting style you have? What? What are the things that you would like your children to do or you encourage to do, and which are the things that you, with no goal, you really want them to avoid doing? So we're going to respect those rules, limitations and parenting style and not implying our parenting style on your children, because those are our grandchildren. They're not our children now.
Speaker 1:So those things I believe sometimes are the hardest one. Those things I believe sometimes are are the hardest one because also when and that's a lot about when you have a son and your daughter-in-law has a different style of raising the children, maybe more according to her own ways and her own mother style, and your child might just still want to follow you, but maybe his wife doesn't want to, or vice versa, because maybe your daughter wants to follow what you say as a mother, but your son-in-law is totally against those things. So it's important that you step out. You just keep distance from being the one who is dictating those rules, especially where they are not even asked for. And I see sometimes I, I need to.
Speaker 1:For example, in my case, I don't want my children to have sugar, so it's not always easy to explain, explain everybody that you know sugar have all this, this, this, this issues, and there are reasons why it's important to avoid that children have sugar. For as long as I can, I would, and and for a lot of people and a lot of older people that have raised their children in certain ways. Maybe we were also raised in a way that we were eating chocolate, we were eating all the sweets and it was okay, but if the new generation and for the new generation, that thing is not okay anymore. It's important that you readjust your, your grandparenting style to the child parenting style, because those things are going to create friction and eventually, maybe the couple wants to just distance from you or they want to distance the children from you, and that's not ideal, of course.
Speaker 1:And like this, many of the decisions, whether they are related to finances, whether they are related to making an investment, buying a new house for the new family or anything a new job in a different country, for example that is bringing your child away from you. There are a lot of away from you. Um, there are a lot of indoors that have have objections in in their children to take such decisions, but understanding that they are adults, understanding that it's it's important to let go of your uh control and let them be the adults that they are and let them take those decisions. Let them be independent and encouraging instead encouraging that independency, encouraging them to go and resolve their own problems, because a lot of times it's it's not just a child that is running to the parents telling them all the issues they're facing in their own marital life or as new parents, but but sometimes it's also the in-laws, especially the mother-in-laws, trying to dig into the child's house and their families, trying to understand everything is okay, what is wrong and what is not, and trying to even resolve their issues by implying solutions, whether it means don't do this, this is not something that you should do. Take advice from here, take this, this thing, don't invest your money in this thing or don't move in in this country.
Speaker 1:Because because of that it's I'm sorry it's it's likely that that opinion, that advice, for as good as it could be, it, will be very much limited to your own role or your own approach, because the dynamics of the family and the decision of that new individual, who was your child and was very, um, let's say, attached to you, is now different. So you understand their priority. Their life, their everything is different, is maybe based on, um, what's best for their children future, so they want to go in such place, or what is best for them to do with their money at the moment, so they want to buy this house and all these things. So it's very important that not just you as in-laws, a mother-in-law, take a step back and you don't take any active participation in asking or trying to dig into their private life, but also, if they were to come and share anything with you, not to give solution, not to imply that there is this, this, this and that that they should do or what your opinion is, because it directly indirectly implies that they need to follow that and and, as we spoke, it's not something that it's always seen as nice or acceptable, especially from the child's spouse side. So I believe a good mother-in-law is the one that keeps boundaries, keeps limits and encourages independence for the couple, because the more involvement is there from their side, whether it's to tell, suggest, give solutions and trying to understand or know more things about them that are not naturally shared by the couple. Those things are going to create friction and those things you don't want.
Speaker 1:If I believe the definition of a good mother-in-law is the good mother-in-law is always going to safeguard the relationship of their child with their spouses and with their children. Friction, uncomfort or any kind of argument between the couple. That is something that you know you need to avoid. It's simple as that. Although it's not that simple as we see, it's not so easy to be that person, but it requires to. You know, have this active listening.
Speaker 1:Instead of being there to respond or to ask, it's important to just be there to support, not to give solution or implying what you want them to do. And it's important to respect those boundaries that are given from the new family and try never violating them because if, even by mistake, you do, it's important to just try to manage the conflict in a way that you're always trying to stay out of anything that creates friction between the couple. And and all those things are really going to help you, especially as a mother-in-law, to define slowly your new role and, and let's say, um, lowering the gap between also the generation you have, because you, as you were a mother, as you were a wife as you have built your family and you had a whole history on how you developed in time. Now all of that is redefined, because now your child is going to create a new way of living, a new way of doing things, new decisions and new ways of raising their child, their children. So all of that has to be given again.
Speaker 1:Encouraging independency is one of the main things that if, as a mother-in-law or as both parents, you know you can do, is the best thing you can do. So if I were to to summarize this episode, or summarize a bit of those things that I would encourage new mothers-in-law and myself, when I'll get there one day is to respect the autonomy of my children, trying to understand that I don't always have to agree or disagree with all the decisions they're taking. I don't always have to give my opinion, I don't always have to be happy with their choices and their decisions, but I should always be there for when they need me. But I don't always have to expect them to be there for me when I expect that or when I need it, because those dynamics now are new and they're not going to be the same as it was before. So all of that was pretty, and I feel like it was very informative for myself to try and understand that role, trying to understand how my role would change in time, also with my children. But also understanding this at this point is helping in raising adults and not children, and that's that's now my, my new phrase.
Speaker 1:I used to keep on speaking about raising children, but now I understand that I'm raising adults, I'm creating adults, I'm encouraging independency, and that's my main purpose and I cannot stop doing that. Once the children are old enough and that's a time when I sort of have rinkaged that purpose of raising them, then I will have a new role. So for me it will be now I need to take a step back because my children are independent and I'm not going to take them back in time or or stop their development and making them or keeping them my children. Keeping them kids. They're always dependent from my opinion, my suggestion, my problem solving no, they need to do everything on their own. They need to make their own mistakes, even if I can see that that is a mistake. I need to let them do it. I need to let them learn from their own experiences, and that's where my role is developing towards that and I feel like the role of a mother-in-law for how hard it is as we see, it's something that we need to embrace in mainly all the steps of the way by raising our small children into adults, and that's why today, I decided to speak about this new topic of a mother-in-law role, and I hope it was informative, I hope it made sense and it was enjoyable for everybody out there and also helpful for people that are in that role or stepping into that role soon.
Speaker 1:So that's that Today's episode is ending here, but I will be back with a new episode, with a new topic, next week. I will be back with a new episode, with a new topic next week, and meanwhile, I encourage everybody to share and download all the episodes as much as you can with several people in the world, because the more you share, the more people will be accessing to this information. So that's that. It's all from my side, and I'll see you next week again. Take care, bye, bye.