Embracing Change

Welcome to today's episode of Oh Mother! We're embracing change this week, and talking about all the ways that change is embedded in our lives as mothers.

In motherhood, change is not just inevitable; it's a constant companion. Whether it's becoming a mother for the first time or navigating the evolving stages of parenthood, change is always on the horizon.

In this episode, we explore the transformative journey of embracing change as a mother. We delve into the experience of finding a new identity amidst the ever-evolving landscape of motherhood and the importance of marking these changes with celebrations that honour mothers themselves, not just their babies.

Society often rushes us through change, but we believe in making time for these transitions and giving mothers the opportunity to navigate change at their own pace.

Change should be judgment-free, allowing space for mothers to show up as the different people they need to be at different stages of motherhood. We explore the complexity of emotions that arise as children grow and evolve, and how mothers can cope with these changes.

Join us as we navigate the twists and turns of motherhood's ever-changing landscape, finding strength, resilience, and joy in embracing change.

Tune in now to learn practical ways to cope with the changes that motherhood brings.

Transcript

Hey, it's your friends Katrina and Rachel here with Oh Mother,
the podcast where we chat all things motherhood and identity.
Today, Rachel and I are exploring change the one constant universal experience and motherhood that we're all forced to reckon with whether we like it or not,
we're going to cover a few aspects of this huge topic, the massive life changing experience of becoming a mother or becoming a mother. Again, as we
said a little bit in our intro, we're going to talk about becoming a mother or becoming a mother again, because that is still a huge change that we need to cope with. The concept we're going to chat a little bit about today is mature essence, the process of becoming a mother or becoming a mother again, and it's similar to this concept of adolescence. That's kind of where the word comes from this process recognizes that mothers go through a major hormonal, physical and social shifts when they become a mother every single time, a major component of this fear theory suggests that mothers need more time and more space and more support to adjust to these major life changes. Just kind of like we give adolescents. Yeah,
I feel like we have this understanding and grace to teenagers that were like, Oh, they're going through hormone body changes, like, yeah, we understand we empathize that they're going through these things, it's all good. It's going to take a couple of years, but they'll get through this, it's all good. And don't give them their space, their time, they're allowed to be grumpy, right, they're allowed to go through that roller coaster. But when it comes to like, our society views like mothering, that's there's been this sense of, okay, bounce back, get over it quickly. And for some people that does naturally happen, I've been that person. But I've also been the person where I didn't bounce back. So like, I feel like there needs to be more of a time allowed for us to cope with change. And like, they just there's these major, major life changes, like becoming a mother or mother again. And sometimes it takes months or years. And I've known people were like, after six, eight weeks, they went back to work. And they like they didn't get that time that they needed to really soak in that change.
Yeah. And I think that for some people, obviously, they don't need that time, or they don't want that time or they're ready to, you know, get back to work or get back to life sooner. And that was partially my experience to where I thought I wanted to sit in my house for six weeks. And after four weeks, I was like, I can go out and do some stuff. But I think allowing that time and marking that time is something that people are owed to a certain extent. Like, we deserve that time. And we deserve that opportunity to make that choice for ourselves. Yeah. And marking that space is important.
Yeah, it's, you know, it's a process of slowing down being like, Whoa, this is the change that's happening my life a couple of weeks ago, compared to now is so different. I have Yes, child in front of me. How I use my time looks differently. And I'm a very fast paced person. But I remember fondly when I had my firstborn. That was seven years ago. Oh, my God. And it was so slow. And it was quiet at home. And I'm so glad that I allowed myself to slow down and to really enjoy that. And then as I wanted to, you know, I'd go out and be like, Hey, can I go for coffee kind of thing or have people over but that slowness, the stillness and peacefulness of it is something that a lot of people always get.
And I think the important thing is making sure that you know, even if you aren't the person who wants to experience that change that way that everyone should have the opportunity to make that choice for themselves. Yes, exactly. And our society just doesn't really want to make time for that change. They want people to just say, Oh, I have a baby now. That's okay. I'm gonna keep doing everything. Going back to work. And yeah, or even, you know, household tasks. And whatever else you have going on in your life, there's this idea that we should just be, you know, back to shopping at Costco a week after out a baby or back to doing dishes and laundry and whatever it is, and it doesn't allow time for us to process the major life change that we're going through, which is basically and emotionally it just became a mother. Yeah.
Like your life is so different that is worthy of just honoring that. Yeah, right. Yeah. And I know like when it comes to honoring motherhood, a lot of the focus after goes to like, oh, the baby, the baby. stinking cute. They're so cute and so much of the focus on that, but where's the honoring of your mother now? How are you taking care of yourself? What are you doing? Like I know you have an example of the the baby shower. Yeah, so
this is one thing you know, most societies have a way to mark out periods of change, right? Like we have different celebrations anniversary exactly like a different way that we mark a time that's passed. Like for adolescents, for example. Most cultures have like a coming of age kind of celebration of some kind. There's a lot of different examples of that I'm sure people listening can think of a few that they've experienced with motherhood really the only way that we mark that time in our kind of Western culture is With baby showers, which I think is kind of crazy, because it's not even really about them. It's, to me, it's like, that's a terrible way to mark becoming a mother, I don't know, I'm anti baby shower. Maybe other people have better baby shower experiences than I do. But you know, the focus of that isn't even really on the mother, we're saying, Oh, we're celebrating your transition into motherhood. But really, we're just giving you stuff for your baby, but half the time you don't even use. But that's a whole other problem. Whereas I think a better way of us marking that transition into motherhood. And I think there have been solutions that people are coming up with I know I've heard of people doing like blessing weighs and things like that, that are kind of borrowed from other cultures that are better at recognizing that transition into motherhood, we need to think of a way to really see the mother and that experience, rather than just oh, now you have a baby. And you're also kind of there. Yeah, part of
it is acknowledging the need to honor the mother. So one of the things I started doing that if I know someone who's about to become a mom or a mom, again, instead of giving them gifts for the baby, which I'm guessing they're getting a lot from everyone else, I'm giving them a self care gift for them. So there was someone I worked with a couple years ago, I gave her like a little ebook on like positive birth experiences. And I personally like coconut water, Epsom salts, some like lotion. And there was like a facemask in there. There was like some like protein energy bars like things to nourish her. Yeah. And they were such simple gifts. But everyone around that saw that gif was like, Oh, that's a really good idea. And it sparked a lot of other women who were like, Oh, we shouldn't just ignored the baby, we may acknowledge that you are changing, you are becoming something that you haven't been before. And you're going to need support and help and meal etc. Right. So I love the idea of doing like mom showers. Yeah, and we can still do the baby showers and maybe even after the baby's here, but I just really, really want to focus more my life in the moms around me of honoring them and their needs, because they are the one who's taking care of the baby.
Yeah. And if you can't meet your needs as a mother and you can't, you know, function in that period of your life, then it's going to be even more difficult to meet the needs of your baby. Yeah, I'd like to do the same thing. When someone I know is becoming a mother, I like to do like a food gift card or like DoorDash or whatever. Like because even just feeding yourself is a whole hurdle when you've got a baby, which is a whole other,
like making three meals plus snacks all day. Can someone feed me? Yeah, yes. I also agree.
But yeah, that's the idea of making space for that change. Right. And yeah, I think that's such an important part of being able to have that time and that space to process the change that you're going through and having people around in your community that are honoring that change and like making like a celebration around you becoming a mother and becoming a new person and say, you know, even if it is a good change that you're experiencing, maybe you have complicated feelings about it, or maybe you're still struggling well, it
can feel like a roller coaster. And you're like, oh, there's all these things going on. Like sometimes you fight the change that's happening. So like a roller coaster, you can get off of it. But this roller coaster motherhood, you can't get off, you're starting, you're stuck on it. So also, like if you're working and you're busy parenting, other kids are just coping with everyday stresses of life, it can feel like we're just trying to get to a fictional finish line. And we're racing
through all of those good things that maybe we don't have the chance to experience. And
I feel like when it comes to like the industrialization of our society, especially in North America, things got like, ABCD, do these things get to the finish line, every single day these things to check off, but it's like, Well, how about the brakes? How about the peaceful moments, the reflecting right? So I know that there's ways that we can like acknowledge that we're changing and our children are changing. And I'd really like to dive into that one. Next, is that what you were saying is that parenting is constant? You can't get off of it?
Yeah, we're sort of once we're on this ride, we haven't seen it yet. Right? So you know, it is kind of a rollercoaster ride, where you're just going through these constant rapid fire changes of you and also your kids. And you don't want to miss any of that. But it's also hard, because how are you supposed to get a handle on anything, when it is constantly changing? We
are in this point of like, where our children are into a routine. And just as you're getting good with that routine, it changes again, and that happened to me, my first entire year of being a mother, I was shocked at how the routine kept changing, and I loved routines and that ABCD get to the finish line thing and I had to keep adjusting. And that was very difficult because I had to start acknowledging that who I was as a person was changing, and my mother role was changing as well. So it was pulling out these different parts of me that I had to be okay with, but it was hard because I was like, Well, I just got that done. And I want to keep doing that for a while but the child in front of me is requiring something different. And that is literally your entire like essence of being a motherhood from like zero to 18 One of the things that I realized was that the child in front of me whatever age they were was pulling out my old memories of when I was A child that age and some people have really fond memories of their childhood. But there's also a lot of like triggers and reflecting that can come out and be like, oh, I need to heal my own inner child. That's feeling seen by the physical child in front of me, which is such a wild concept that that happens to us as parents. And I've seen this with so many moms that I've met that either they ignore it, or they embrace their own childhood experience and how it is affecting the way they parent at each stage that is requiring a different person version of them. As a mother, I think
there's a tendency for us to not want to see changes and not want to have to confront those things. Because it's difficult. I mean, no one wants to sit there and say, you know, now I have to get this small child and then also cope and deal and process all the things that I grew up with, and how that affected me, and how that changed my behavior as an adult. And the way I'm parenting this kick now, and I think that's huge and difficult, and it can be stressful, obviously, and coping with those changes. And even if they are positive changes, you know, they're, they're still something that you have to deal with. Yeah,
I mean, how I used to view change a long time ago, I had a very limiting belief. And if I couldn't do something, I wouldn't try it. So yeah, no failure.
No, I'm exactly I used to be exactly the same way. That's how I was.
So the idea of change was a very scary thing for me. And it's like, oh, that requires work that requires effort. What if I don't do it? Well, what if I make mistakes, but I went through that process of coming to a point now where I acknowledge that things can't stay the same? They are not, that is the one thing that you can count on is your child in front of you will change who you are will change, right? Who you were five years ago, compared to who you're going to be in five years from now very different. And it's okay, I used to have people years ago, say to be like, Well, you've changed and it was a bad thing. But now I'd be like, Wow, you've changed. That's awesome. Because we are allowed to show up as different versions of ourselves for the needs and the requirements of the state that we're in. This
is maybe starting to change a little bit. But I do think that that word change, and that idea of change is sort of negatively loaded, like you kind of touched on just now where there's this idea that if change is good, we can't feel bad about it. We can't have complicated feelings about it, like becoming a mother, like that's a good change. Why do you have weird feelings about that? There's bitter sweetness attached to that, right? We also have this idea that if something has to change, that it was bad there, there's this sort of loaded negativity that's built into the idea of change. When I say, Oh, I've changed. It's like, oh, well, I guess the person you were before needed to be different. Yeah. And I think that's not true, right? You know, you can say that person served me at that time. And the way I dealt with things served me at that time it worked in my life. And then now I need something different, I need to undergo that process of change so that I can show up for my for my daughter better, or I can, you know, show up for myself better. It's not necessarily a negative or to say that the person I was before wasn't a beneficial person for me at that time. But you know, you're allowed to change and have it not be a bad thing. Well, it's
kind of like when you're reading a book, and you're starting to read the beginning of the book, and you're going through it, the characters developing by the end of the book, are they different, they've gone through some kind of transformative experience. And it's essentially leveled them up in some sense, all depending on the book, some books, like really weird where they level down, but I mean, that's life. And I understand the negativity of it. Because when you are when you're in a moment, and you're seeing how things used to be and how they are now there can be that bitter feeling of I liked it how it was before I liked it, when I had my freedom, I liked it, when I could just pull clothes on, grab my bag and head out the door. And now it's difficult to do that there can be a bitter feeling with that. But then there's also the sweetness like, Oh, my God, I heard my daughter laugh today, just hysterically. And I cried, because it made me so happy. And those two feelings aren't allowed to be within the same day,
they can exist at the same time. And that doesn't take away from one or the other. And I think that's what makes it so challenging to address changes in our lives. Because we don't make sense. We don't make space for that nuance. We don't make space for complicated feelings that we have around change and around wanting to hold on to that person that we were while also becoming the new person that, you know, we will continue to grow into every single day for forever, basically. But no, I really felt that when I was pregnant, I had this idea that I had to or I wanted to really preserve who I was and the way I did things that I was just going to do that but also add on this other role of being a mother and it didn't really work out that way. But I was really tied to this idea that I could continue to be the same and it was obviously not the case, because you have to change.
And I understand that coping with that can be really difficult because I to still to this day have times like even the last week where I was like why am I not doing this thing that I used to do that made me feel happy? Like why am I not doing it right now? It's like, oh, well, I just went through something where I changed hormonally, hormonally and I changed physically and I need to be someone else. In this moment, maybe I can pick up those things that I used to do again, but right in this moment, I can't or I'm not able to. And that is the change where like finding ways to cope with it can really help us not. It part of is that we want it to feel easier. Yeah. Right. You're like, Oh, I'm struggling with this, like,
how do I make this transition easier? Yeah. And
there's a lot of strategies, and we can definitely dive into some of those. But I just want a lot of mothers that I speak to, to know that it's okay, what you're going through is Oh, Kay, like, we just had a connected Mama's meet up. And there was a bunch of these moms and was like, Hey, what are your hobbies that you're currently doing? And I like, oh, man, I haven't done a hobby. hobby since before I had the beta. And then they start thinking, they're like, oh, like, what am I doing for myself? Like, my life has completely changed. So part of that is like having time to be with yourself and just say, Hey, it's okay. Like, I'm different right now. And it's going
to be okay, yeah, and giving yourself space. And I think that we as a society need to do more to recognize that mothers are undergoing like a major shift in their identity, a major shift in the way that obviously you said hormonal shift, physical shift, emotional shift, and we need to make space for that to happen. And it needs to happen on our own terms. Yes.
And I feel like when we relate with others, in a sense of community, and we see ourselves and others being like, Oh, they're going through something kind of similar. Like, we're kind of feeling the same way. Like, I couldn't believe how many moms were all like, I haven't done a hobby in money. Yeah. And but now that I'm onto the other side of like, having a four year old and a seven year old, they're a little bit more independent. So I'm getting that back now. But it's taken me a couple of years to really start feeling like, Okay, this is like what I'm going to do. And now I'm doing more things for myself, I wish I had done it sooner, but I didn't. But they're acknowledging that but they're also acknowledging that it's okay, that the timing of it can happen differently. So really, communication is so key and motherhood so that when we communicate, and we connect, we feel better, right? Because if you're alone in these feelings, it's really hard to cope with
it. And I think that's one of the major ways that people can cope with change. And that's why I think it's so important to mark out ways to celebrate those changes with your community that are about you, not just about your baby. That's hugely important. Because then you can say, you know, I recognize that I've come to this point, I've had time to process this, I have a community around me that understands that this change is happening, and they're here to support me. And they're here to share their own experiences, or whatever it is right, and making a time to mark out that that space is so important. And I think that, you know, like we said at the beginning, finding that community, finding those people finding that way to celebrate change, and not just view it as this is something that's happened to me now I have to get back on my feet and do whatever I have to do with my day is so important. And such a great coping mechanism to create that, that feeling that you're not alone. And you can deal with this change. Absolutely.
I mean, some of the ways that we can like carve out the space that you're talking about is we all know, things that make us feel good, right? So whether it's you being in nature, whether it's five minutes, or a couple of hours out hiking, or just a walk down the road and looking at the trees and the birds, right, moving your body, all moms that I've talked to they're like, I used to love working out, I used to love yoga, or going for walks or jogs or biking or whatever. And it's like, well, have you been doing it recently? And they're like, No, and it's like, kind of starting to add in that just a little bit as you can, when you're able to that can feel really good. Even limiting our screen time. That was another thing that so many moms are like, I put the kid to bed and now I just veg for an hour and a half. And I could have taken care of myself, but I just lost control on Instagram for two hours. I'm exhausted and I have to go to bed. But I didn't actually take care of myself when I could have and it's so hard. I've gotten caught in that multiple times. Oh, I did that last night. And but having people around you be like, Hey, have you taken care of yourself today? I sometimes love asking moms and I know it's a very like upfront question. But I feel like it's something that we can do more to ask each other. Because when someone else asks, it's like, Oh, you're right. What am I that's like a reset. It's a reset. And I think that's something that I love to encourage more moms around me to just do around all ourselves to have that openness of talking about it and you know, also allowing the silence to being like, Have you been silent today? Have you gone to a room or even I love doing like silence outside and just sitting there no phone, no music and just letting yourself think and feel grouses and daydream, just letting your mind like just process things. The
little board
is such a great thing that moms don't get a lot of bed. I told my daughter this because she's obviously like, Oh, I hate being bored. I
was like, actually, honey, you're gonna love that one day.
I don't remember the last time I felt bored. And I think I could use some boredom right now to allow myself to just chill a bit. So that's like another great thing and nourishment, like you can quickly grab something or you can make something that feels really good for you that your body will really just absorb right and like we said connection. That's a really good one to creativity. is a big one. So I was asking some of these moms that on Friday, it's like, is there any way you've done like art or expressing yourself? And they're like, no, okay, creativity is a huge part of being a woman, we are creators, we created a human. And that is a huge art piece of itself, you know, walking around all wild with messy hair. But like, there's other ways that we can be creative and bring out our sensuality. And part of that is also like, there's, that's a lot of output, right? And we output all day. So trying to find output words, output for yourself, and then allowing the rest
well, and I think all those things like carving out that space for yourself, all those amazing ways to do that are so important. And we need community to lean back on to give us that space. Yes, right, we need we need people to recognize that, hey, you need that time you need that time alone, you need that time to be outside you that time to work out or go for a walk, or you know, draw or write or whatever it is that, you know, makes you feel like you and helps you process. I think that's the other thing, like all of the stuff that you mentioned, is a good processing time for you to feel or to think about all those things that you've experienced and process the way you're feeling or your thoughts about something and having the community that to lean on, especially in those like early days of motherhood that give you that time and space is so important. And that takes recognition from everyone around you that a you're deserving of that Yeah. And be you need that time to be able to continue in your life. And, you know, salutely cope with that change,
we can all acknowledge that we've had change related stress. And what your need in is in that moment to cope with that change can rely a lot on your community around you to help you process it. And you can do it alone. Absolutely. You know, there's introverts and extroverts who have different needs, but it is all just being like, what do I need for myself to handle this? Right. And that's just a really important question that a lot of moms also it's been weeks and you're like, Have I taken care of myself?
Yeah, yeah. And that question of how can I make that space for myself? How can I manage my stress? What do I need today is so important. Again, it takes time, it takes us having the time to say I need this today. Yeah, I know that I need this today. How am I going to make that happen? I think that's really important to be able to cope with anything but especially in motherhood. When you want to cope with all the massive changes that are going on around you and within yourself. It's important to ask ourselves these questions, yeah,
and honor the bittersweet essence of time, and motherhood,
because it will change. As soon as you get used to something, it will change, and then it'll change again, and then I'll keep changing. So learning these skills of you know, I need to make time for myself, I need to find a community that I can lean on, I need to know how to ask myself where I'm at and how to honor that today. It's something that will be you, you can carry that through the rest of your life. And
it will better how you feel as your identity of a mother is changing.
Absolutely. And I think that's something that we all struggle with. And it's something that we can all learn to do every single day a little bit at a time.
And we don't have to feel alone in it because we're talking about it. So to all you moms, we got this. We got this. Thanks
for joining us today. We'll be back next tuesday chatting about the complicated holiday. That is Mother's Day. Make sure to give us a follow at all mother talks on Instagram to stay up to date with new episodes and behind the scenes content
and in case you don't hear it anywhere else today. Take a bit of time for yourself and make sure you're filling your own cup. See you next time.