Unveiling the Journey Through Codependency: Dr. Angela Downey's Path to Self-Discovery

When the weight of my world came crashing down in the midst of a professional burnout, I, Dr. Angela Downey, found myself at a crossroads between caring for my patients and caring for myself. My health spiraled as I grappled with the heavy cloak of codependency, a term I've since learned extends far beyond the narrow view of being tied to someone with an addiction. Join me in a heartfelt episode where I peel back the layers of my own journey—uncovering the deeply ingrained childhood coping mechanisms that linger into adulthood, often to our detriment.

Together, we'll explore the subtle yet profound ways codependency can manifest, from the inability to recognize our own emotions to an excessive self-reliance that masks our inner turmoil. As I share the candid challenges I faced, including the struggle with setting boundaries and the quest for external validation, you'll discover how these patterns can lead to resentment and a loss of self-worth. This episode isn't just my story—it's a roadmap for anyone seeking to break free from the avoidant tactics we use to shield our vulnerabilities and instead step courageously toward self-discovery for healthier, more authentic relationships.

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🎵 Music: Touching the Air by Graceful Movement - https://www.premiumbeat.com/

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Hello to all you wonderful podcast listeners. Welcome to my first episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm Dr Angela Downey and I am your fellow codependent.

Speaker 1: 0:58

In today's episode I was wanting to discuss what is codependency. Most people haven't heard of this word before. Neither had I until about a year and a half ago when I started going to counseling. I run a family practice and I was completely burnt out. I couldn't handle going to work every day anymore. That's when I started going to counseling sessions and it has been absolutely life-changing for me.

Speaker 1: 1:23

If I was to try and pinpoint a time when everything started to go off the rails, it probably would be when I got sick and I tried to continue working through my illness. I guess some may argue that it actually started prior to that, with COVID being so stressful, and I'm sure it didn't help, but for for me it really started going downhill when I got sick. I would find myself working and doing virtual phone calls while I had an IV line pumping medications into me and I was still trying to help patients and I felt guilty for not being available to them. I felt guilty for not going into work every day and I really wasn't able to take care of myself. I ended up being sick for six months and still trying to go to work as much as I could, and I would get frustrated when people would continue having these expectations of me and I wasn't helping myself. I wasn't healthy, I wasn't well, and yet people would have these expectations of me and needing me to deliver and I would get very resentful. I remember going to work and sitting in my car and crying. I would need to convince myself to go in. I just couldn't stand the thought of being at work and having people expect things from me at work and having people expect things from me.

Speaker 1: 2:49

This burnout ended up making me very resentful of people, resentful of patients. I remember swearing at a patient and storming out of a room. I remember just walking out of the room and slamming a door telling a patient that she was horrible and maybe she was, maybe she wasn't Either. Either way, I just was not in the right frame of mind to be able to help people and I had completely lost my filter. It's like I didn't know how to behave in public anymore, and this all stemmed from me not being able to set proper boundaries with people, not taking care of myself, not prioritizing my mental health. I had no sense of self-worth and my people pleasing had become a big issue and I just could not deliver anymore. This led to me taking some time off and seeing some counselors to see if I can sort out what the issue was.

Speaker 1: 3:42

The issue wasn't only that I was sick, but it was that I had developed these coping skills when I was a child and they just weren't serving me anymore. So for one I was. I was a people pleaser and I would do anything to have somebody not be upset with me. So I was unable to set boundaries. I would bend over backwards just so that other people wouldn't be upset with me. There was always a fear that somebody wouldn't like me. Boundaries I would bend over backwards just so that other people wouldn't be upset with me. There was always a fear that somebody wouldn't like me, so I would end up doing anything that they wanted, which is a lot to carry and it's a lot to do. I really didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I enjoyed doing, and that was mainly because I would always do what the other person wanted to do and I really never took the time to explore the things that I enjoyed.

Speaker 1: 4:27

So what is codependency? I'm just going to take a few minutes to go over a couple of definitions that I found online. So the first one is from the Oxford Dictionary. It defines codependency as an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, so typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. I think most of us have kind of I anyway associate a codependency as being something that the wife of an alcoholic might have. I didn't know what codependency was. The first time somebody suggested I was codependent, I just thought I don't know what that word is. But it's not me and it's because in my mind I didn't think you could be codependent unless you had a partner or parent who is an alcoholic. But codependency is much, much more than that. Another definition is from Psychology Today. It says that codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of the giver, sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, the taker.

Speaker 1: 5:30

I agree with this definition to some point, but I think that codependency is a series of coping mechanisms that we adopted as children in an attempt to survive traumatic experiences. Traumatic experiences can range anything from abuse, addictions, having a parent with an addiction, poor or neglectful parenting, bullying, having a being in any kind of dysfunctional relationship, even not having friends as a child can be very traumatic and you're going to develop some coping mechanisms just to be able to survive your childhood. But what happens is you carry these coping mechanisms, these survival skills that you develop as a child. You carry them into your adulthood, when they don't serve you anymore. You're not a child anymore, you're an adult who's able to make their own decisions, and yet you still behave like you would have when you were young and just trying to survive. So these coping skills, like being a people pleaser, always having to be a good girl or good boy maybe you mirror other people's behavior just so that they are more likely to accept you. You might also have some poor communication skills and make passive, aggressive comments instead of addressing things head on and being able to talk about things that are difficult, so, trying to avoid those conversations that you feel sick in the pit of your stomach. You avoid those conversations and so instead you make you know, snide comments or passive, aggressive comments, but you don't actually talk to the other person about what's bothering you and maybe solving the problem that way. Unfortunately, some of these codependent behaviors can also be passed down from generation to generation, so you might not be the one who experienced the trauma, but because you were raised in an environment where there was some poor communication or being unable to set boundaries, this might lead to you not being able to set boundaries or prioritize yourself or communicate properly with others.

Speaker 1: 7:33

Codependency is very much on a spectrum you can be mildly codependent or very codependent. I think many people have some traits or characteristics of codependency, but some people just have a lot more. The Codependence Anonymous blue book has a list of 55 different character traits that could potentially make somebody codependent. For myself, I had approximately 35 of these traits, I think, and the more of these traits that you have, the more likely you're codependent, or rather, the more codependent you are. I don't want this list to scare you. These are all things that can be worked on and you can learn to manage your thoughts and learn to set boundaries. You just need to be more aware of them. But I'd like to go through some of this list with you. It's a little bit long and I won't be doing all 55 traits, but I'd like to go through some of these items on the list and see if you might relate to some of them. The Codependence Anonymous Blue Book separates the codependent traits into a couple of different categories, the first one being denial patterns.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Traits of a codependent might be they have difficulty identifying what they are feeling. They minimize, alter or deny how they truly feel. They think they can take care of themselves without any help from others. We might mask pain in various ways, such as anger, humor or isolation, and they don't recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted. These are definitely some traits that I could relate to.

Speaker 1: 9:09

I did find that I would often minimize how I was feeling. I would have trouble talking about my feelings to other people and I would hyper focus on other people because it was easier to focus on other people. Other people seem to like to talk about themselves, so if I was struggling in some way, I would often hide it and and not talk about it and instead focus on how the other people are doing. This way, we didn't have to talk about me. Whenever I had a problem, I would retreat into a little bubble and want to fix it by myself. I didn't like getting other people involved.

Speaker 1: 9:43

Some of the low self-esteem patterns for codependents are that they judge what they think, say or do very harshly, as they feel like they're never good enough. They might be embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts. They value other people's approval over their own feelings and behaviors. They don't perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile people. They might seek recognition and praise to overcome feelings of being less than they are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want. They look to others to provide their sense of safety, and they have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries. I don't know at this point if some of these are starting to resonate with you, but they definitely strike a chord with me.

Speaker 1: 10:30

So many things that I did would be to gain other people's approval and for myself, my good feelings would stem from you liking me or knowing that you approved of me, as opposed to me having my own self-approval and my own good feelings from me liking me. Everything depended on what other people thought of me. So as a result of that, I would often hyper focus on what other people thought of me. I would do whatever I could to make them happy so that they would approve of me. I would be going to events that I didn't want to go to just for fear of having somebody be upset with me. These different behaviors can really extend to different parts of your life. So anything from a wife having sex with her husband when she doesn't want to, or agreeing to make cookies for the bake sale the next day when you have so many things going on that night and you really don't have time to not going out with your friends because you're afraid that your husband's going to be upset with you or is going to need you or want you, but then feeling guilty for abandoning your friends and having them be upset with you because you didn't go out with them that night. This list just goes on and on and on and really eventually just starts eating you up. It's really important to start taking care of yourself so these things don't lead to burnout.

Speaker 1: 11:47

The next set of traits have to do with how sometimes some codependents can be kind of controlling, so some control patterns of codependency. Codependents believe that people are incapable of taking care of themselves. Codependents believe that people are incapable of taking care of themselves. Codependents will attempt to convince others what to do, think or feel. They will freely offer advice and direction without being asked and then become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice. They might use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. Codependents might also have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.

Speaker 1: 12:23

I struggled with these as well. I would often give unsolicited advice to people and then get frustrated when they didn't take my advice, because, of course, I knew what was best for everybody else and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't listen to me or follow through. I also had a tendency of dating people who needed me. I'm not sure if this was because well, I know that it's probably because I lacked some self-worth, but I would tend to date people who needed me because I knew they would never leave me. So I saw my value as a partner in what I could do for that other person, and I would often have difficulty going after somebody who was confident enough to take care of themselves because I knew they didn't need me and there was a fear that I wouldn't be good enough to sustain that closeness or that relationship with that person. So I wouldn't even bother trying to go after a person who was confident enough and didn't need me for something. I had trouble recognizing my own value and my own worth. These are all things that I've been working on for the last couple years. I've noticed a very big difference in my relationships and my ability to feel comfortable in asking for what I need and what I want. It was very surprising to me when I started asking for the things that I needed and people didn't have any issues in giving them to me, and in the past I would have been really afraid to ask for those things, and I still work at it every day to be able to ask for the things that I need. It's not something that comes naturally to me and I often need to remind myself that it's okay to ask for these things.

Speaker 1: 14:00

The next set of traits that codependents might have are following more of an avoidance pattern. Codependents might judge harshly what others think, say or do. They might use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation, or avoid conflict or confrontation altogether, in my case. They might suppress their feelings or needs just to avoid feeling vulnerable. They might suppress their feelings or needs just to avoid feeling vulnerable. They might pull people towards them, but when those people get close they might push them away. They might also believe that displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.

Speaker 1: 14:32

For myself, when I decided that it might be best to take a break from working in medicine, it was really difficult for me because it made me feel weak and I was afraid that people would perceive me as being weak when really it takes a lot of courage to make a big change like that and to admit that you need help. Even to this day, I work three to four days a week, which is significantly less than the average working week for a physician, and I continuously try adding on some extra days because I feel like, if I'm not working like the rest of my colleagues, that I'm weaker than the other people in my profession that I might be judged. I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that you know what I just can't work as many hours as other people can and that I do tend to get stressed and that it's okay to only be working three to four days a week. This has really allowed me to develop my addiction for plants and to start growing new things in my house and to get to know who I am a little bit. I keep remembering something that someone told me, and it was that on your deathbed, no one ever wishes that they would have worked more. They wish that they would have lived more, they wish they would have spent more time with family, they would have spent more time with their interests or hobbies, but never to work more. I wanted to start this podcast so that people wouldn't feel like they were alone in this.

Speaker 1: 15:52

Being codependent does not need to be a life sentence, and it is possible to live a very healthy and happy life despite being codependent. Now, as long as we keep working on our minds and on ourselves, we will get to a place where we're able to have good communication skills with others and have happier, healthier relationships. Some of the things that I mentioned on the list of character traits for codependence may have resonated with you. If that's the case, then I suggest you keep listening to this podcast. There is a list of 55 traits. I only went through a couple today, but I am hoping that every week we can address one different trait for codependency and to figure out how we can go about living with with some of these traits and how we can. I don't want to use fix ourselves, but how we can grow into people who can overcome some of these challenges and how we can start prioritizing ourselves so that we can be healthy enough to be in these healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 16:50

I'm in the process of setting up a quiz that you can take. It'll be found on the codependentdoctorcom. With this quiz, we will go over all the traits of codependency and you will find out exactly how codependent you might be. This quiz is not meant to shame you or shame anybody who might be taking it. It's really just a tool to find out where our starting point is. My homework for you this week is to become more aware of yourself, your relationships, some of the conversations you might be having, and to see at which points you find that you are potentially being codependent. And just to flag those moments, it might be a good idea to get a journal and to write some of them down. As I mentioned, this is not an opportunity for you to shame yourself or to feel bad about yourself. This is an opportunity to grow and to become more curious as to why you might be doing the things that you're doing.

Speaker 1: 17:42

Join me next week when we're going to be focusing on people pleasing as one of our first topics of conversation. Thank you for joining me today and I will talk to you again soon. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.