Have you ever found yourself saying 'yes' when every fiber of your being is screaming 'no'? You're not alone. Join me on a deep-dive exploration into the world of people-pleasing, where I peel back the layers of our fear of disapproval and the societal pressures that drive us to forsake our own needs. This episode is a journey through self-discovery, complete with personal anecdotes like my unexpected infatuation with the serene world of plants, that shed light on the joy of embracing our true interests. I'll guide you through the importance of tuning into your body's signals and dissect the roots of our unease, providing you the tools needed to start prioritizing your well-being over the relentless pursuit of pleasing others.
Let's talk about the power of a simple 'no'. This conversation is an empowering rally cry for setting boundaries without the shadow of guilt. We'll navigate the sometimes uncomfortable process of distancing ourselves from the beneficiaries of our acquiescence and how to forge a path towards self-care that mirrors the life-saving oxygen mask principle. Wrap up the episode with me as we recite weekly mantras designed to bolster mental fortitude and affirm that our value doesn't hinge on the sacrifices made for others' happiness. Remember, this isn't just another podcast; it's a supportive space, though not a stand-in for professional guidance. So, if you're ready to transform your life from being a 'yes' machine to a self-assured individual who can confidently decline, this is the episode you won't want to miss.
Have you ever found yourself saying 'yes' when every fiber of your being is screaming 'no'? You're not alone. Join me on a deep-dive exploration into the world of people-pleasing, where I peel back the layers of our fear of disapproval and the societal pressures that drive us to forsake our own needs. This episode is a journey through self-discovery, complete with personal anecdotes like my unexpected infatuation with the serene world of plants, that shed light on the joy of embracing our true interests. I'll guide you through the importance of tuning into your body's signals and dissect the roots of our unease, providing you the tools needed to start prioritizing your well-being over the relentless pursuit of pleasing others.
Let's talk about the power of a simple 'no'. This conversation is an empowering rally cry for setting boundaries without the shadow of guilt. We'll navigate the sometimes uncomfortable process of distancing ourselves from the beneficiaries of our acquiescence and how to forge a path towards self-care that mirrors the life-saving oxygen mask principle. Wrap up the episode with me as we recite weekly mantras designed to bolster mental fortitude and affirm that our value doesn't hinge on the sacrifices made for others' happiness. Remember, this isn't just another podcast; it's a supportive space, though not a stand-in for professional guidance. So, if you're ready to transform your life from being a 'yes' machine to a self-assured individual who can confidently decline, this is the episode you won't want to miss.
Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr, angela Downey. We can do this together. Hello to all you wonderful podcast listeners who are joining us today.
Speaker 1:
Today is episode three of the Codependent Doctor, and it's going to be focusing on how to overcome people-pleasing. Last episode, we discussed that when I talk about people-pleasing, it's not about wanting to do something for another person just to be nice, but you're doing something for another person because you don't feel that you have a choice, or maybe that you're worried about the repercussions of saying no. So you might be saying yes to something you don't want to do because you're afraid of the backlash, you're afraid of feeling guilty, you might be afraid of physical violence, potentially. So the people pleasing that I'm referring to is people pleasing out of fear, for some reason. It's important to remember that we always have a choice. We've somehow been convinced that we don't have a choice, but I'm here to tell you that you do. We all have choices to make. Now, these might always be the same choices that other people would make, but it's important to you that you know that you do have a choice. If you don't want to take on that project at work, you don't have to do it. If you don't want to teach your parents how to work the remote control, then don't. If you don't want to send your kids to school, then you don't do it. Now, these aren't the choices that I would be making, and society may not agree with you, but you do have a choice. People do it all the time. They've made their choice not to send their kids to school or take on that project at work, or have decided not to help their parents, and they're okay with the consequences of their decision. I bring up these examples because all the decisions that you make will impact you somehow, but it is still your decision to make and you do have choices, although they will all come with some kind of outcome some good, some bad.
Speaker 1:
I think that realizing that you have a choice to say no and you have a choice to prioritize yourself is the first step in overcoming people-pleasing. So who are you at your core? Many people-pleasers don't know who they are. They don't know what their interests are. They've prioritized other people's needs and wants for so long that they don't know much about themselves. Figuring this out can take a lot of time. But try and think back. Try and think about when you were feeling your calmest.
Speaker 1:
Are there any activities that come effortlessly to you? Do you like going out? Do you like staying in? Do you like hanging out in big groups or do you prefer to be one-on-one with a friend? Are there any websites that you naturally want to gravitate to?
Speaker 1:
I love plants. I didn't know this until very recently, but I do. I really like them. Years ago, when I first moved out, I got a plant and it died. So I spent the next 10 years telling everybody that I had a black thumb, that I couldn't keep it alive. I think I loved it too much. To be honest with you, I drowned it through overwatering and it was probably floating around in a pot and I didn't even realize it. But I do think I killed it with kindness. But I took that to mean that I just wasn't a plant person. But I actually did enjoy having it until it turned yellow. Now I have 100 plants in my house and I have a small oasis and I love it. I find it so calming and beautiful just to sit amongst my plants. I look at when new leaves come out and it's really exciting. It's become a little obsession of mine, but you never really know what you're going to like.
Speaker 1:
But it's important to keep your eyes open and to learn to recognize when something makes you happy. And if something does make you happy, then keep doing it, as long as it's not harming anybody else. If you're having trouble finding things that you like, then maybe start with the things that you don't like. You need to listen to your body and it is going to tell you when something is not right. It's going to tell you when you don't like something. As people pleasers, we've often learned to ignore that feeling altogether, so sometimes it might take a little while to come back. But there is a feeling that comes into your body when you're not happy with something. When I'm getting ready to do something that I don't necessarily want to do, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It feels like a prickle down my spine and I can feel like energy kind of just flowing under the skin of my arms or I get this sense of panic. So when you get these feelings, it's really important that you don't ignore that feeling. Your body is trying to tell you something, so it's up to you to figure out what that is.
Speaker 1:
Why do you feel this way? Why do you think this is happening? What is it about this activity that you don't like? Is it a person that's making you feel uncomfortable? Can you remember the first time that you felt uncomfortable in a situation like this before? What was the trigger? What is it that you didn't like about that activity? It's important that you sit down with these uncomfortable feelings and to maybe get curious about them. So, instead of panicking, just kind of sit there and just recognize that it's happening, recognize that you're safe and try and figure out where this feeling is coming from.
Speaker 1:
Doing this exercise is not meant to shame you in any way, but it's important that you be curious as to why you're feeling that way. Try and remind yourself that you are growing and that this is all part of the experience. I would suggest maybe keeping a journal you can either have a handwritten journal or something on the computer just to catalog these feelings. This will allow you to step back from the situation and think about it a little bit more objectively. So, instead of being stuck in the panic, try and get curious about it. Figure out what it is you're not liking. Once you have a better understanding of your body and its reaction to things, then you can use this as a guide to find out who you are. What are your beliefs, what do you not believe in? What activities do you like? If you can't think of that, then what activities do you not like? Who do you like to hang around, and who makes you feel good and who doesn't? This is all part of the process of figuring out who you really are.
Speaker 1:
Next thing you can do to overcome people pleasing is using the word no. No is a full sentence. There is no explanation required. This is going to take some practice to start with, because no is something that you're probably not used to saying. So start with little things like no, I can't pick up your dry cleaning today. Unfortunately, I won't be able to join that committee. No, I can't stay an extra 30 minutes after work to put those files away. Just remember that it is not your responsibility to fix someone else's problem, if you're really okay with doing it, then you can say yes. But if it's putting you out or you don't want to do it, you can always say no, sorry, I can't.
Speaker 1:
People pleasers have a tendency to take care of others, work for free or delay their plans because they can't say no. You can say no, I can't go to the baby shower. You're under no obligation to give a reason. You just can't go, period. If someone is pressuring you to go or they are pressuring you for a reason as to why you can't attend, just remember that you don't have to say anything at all. You don't have to give anybody an explanation. You're unable to go, and it doesn't matter what the reason is. Maybe you just don't feel like it, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:
If you start giving the person reasons as to why you can't go, then they're just going to come up with a reason why that reason isn't good enough. They're going to try and flip it on its head. So it's okay to just say no. You don't have to say why. You can also ask why it's so important for them to know the reason you can't attend. You can't control how the other person is going to feel. They're going to need to manage their own feelings. It's okay for them to feel disappointed, but you don't need to feel bad for making another person feel disappointed. It's more important for you to say what's important to you, otherwise you're going to end up resenting the other person. It's going to be really hard to say no at first. There is a fear of disappointing people, but it does get easier with time. So start with the little things and with time, you're going to be able to start saying no to bigger things.
Speaker 1:
I recently picked up a side job working one night a week, and I was really excited about the opportunity. They wanted me to work on Tuesday nights. Tuesday night just did not work well for me. In the past, I would bend over backwards to make Tuesday night work. This would sometimes mean working a 14-hour day or spending less time with my kids, and it would likely lead to a schedule that was just not sustainable for me. Remembering what I learned and wanting to prioritize my children, I said that I could do Thursday nights, but not Tuesday. I was scared I wouldn't get the job because of this, and it was something that I was really excited about. A few days later, they called and said that they were able to make some minor scheduling changes and that they could have me work on Thursdays. I was really excited that I got the job and I didn't have to compromise something that was really important to me In the past. I wouldn't have spoken up for myself and I would have worked a really long day. It would have led to me feeling resentment and unhappiness with the new position. This way, I was able to fit it in my schedule, I'm able to work more comfortably and I'm going to really enjoy my position.
Speaker 1:
So we just finished talking about saying no, but it's really important to recognize that you're always going to be saying no to someone, even when you're saying yes to someone else for something that you don't want to do. Then you're saying no to yourself and you're putting yourself second. Your time is very valuable. You are valuable and your worthiness doesn't come from what you can do for others. You have intrinsic worthiness. It's already there within you. If someone can't see you for the awesome person that you already are, then maybe that person is part of the problem. I'm not saying that you have to dump all of your friends or all of your relatives, but if you've been a codependent and a people pleaser your whole life, then the likelihood is that you've surrounded yourself with people who like that. You're a people pleaser. As you make these changes, some people in your life might not like those changes and won't be very supportive. There's probably going to be some pushback. So these are people who aren't used to you saying no and they might not like those changes. They might pout, they might try guilt trips or saying that you're being ridiculous, putting you down, and these are people who don't know how to respect boundaries and relationships, and these people can range from challenging to being downright toxic for you. It's your decision whether or not you want to distance yourself from these people. But with time, as you start to recognize your intrinsic worthiness, you will start attracting people who are looking for meaningful and healthier connections. And it's important to realize that not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:
For years, I tried being someone that I wasn't. I wanted to be liked by all, and so I would do things that other people wanted to do. When it came down to it, the people who liked me, they liked the version of myself that I put in front of them. So, even though they liked me, it wasn't the real me, because I didn't let people see the real me and I barely knew the real me. If someone didn't like me, I would become this crazy person to try and force them to like me somehow. I'd be like tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I couldn't stand the idea of somebody not liking me.
Speaker 1:
If you struggle with being afraid of other people not liking you, you really need to try and figure out what you think that this means about you. If somebody didn't like me, it would mean all sorts of things that weren't true. It would mean you are not lovable or you are not worthy of love and attention. If this person doesn't like me, then there are probably lots of other people who don't like me. I'm a shitty person. I'm a loser. I'll never be good enough and someday I'm going to die alone living in a trailer by the river. But it doesn't mean any of this. You don't like everyone that you meet and it doesn't mean anything about them. Maybe you don't like their style of clothing Doesn't mean that they're not an awesome person. Maybe they remind you of your dreadful relative. Maybe they talk constantly about geology and you don't find rocks very interesting. That doesn't mean that that person doesn't have a lot of friends who love geology and they have a great fun time together.
Speaker 1:
If you take the juiciest, tastiest and perfect peach, you might think that it's the most amazing peach, but someone out there won't like it. Not everyone likes peaches. It doesn't say anything about the peach. It doesn't suddenly mean that the peach is terrible. It doesn't mean that the peach is unloved or that it will never be eaten or appreciated. The peach is what the peach is. If the peach derives all of its value from what other people think about it, then it's going to feel amazing one day and terrible the next.
Speaker 1:
It's okay to recognize that not everyone likes peaches and it doesn't mean anything negative about the peach. It's the same with you. Not everyone is going to like you and you're not going to like everyone that you meet. It doesn't mean anything about you. In fact, what people think about you is none of your business. You should just focus on your business and they will need to manage whatever it is that they feel about you.
Speaker 1:
All this is to say that you don't need to do things just to be liked by others. Just a word of caution. You might get some pushback. Some people like that you're a people pleaser and they're gaining something from it. It's okay to distance yourself from people who try to turn you away from your journey. Try and spend time with people who are supportive of your growth. One comment that I've heard from several people is that if you prioritize yourself, then you're selfish. I would argue that you need to be healthy and in a good place in order to help others. On a plane, you need to put your oxygen mask on before you help others with theirs.
Speaker 1:
When I was burnt out, I was a total mess. I had no filter and I would say terrible things to people and to patients. I would yell at my kids. I would make passive, aggressive comments to the supermarket cashier. When I'm not in a good place, all I do is think about myself, why my life is terrible. Why doesn't this person like me? Everyone is against me, on and on and on. I'm a way better person and able to be present for others. My house is in order by my house. I'm talking about my mental health, my physical health, having strong relationships with people who care about me.
Speaker 1:
Your homework for the week is to write a list of things or activities that you're doing that you don't like doing. Why are you doing them? What can you do to remove these things from your schedule? Write a list of things that you do like to do. What are your interests? What are things that you've been curious about trying? Commit to doing one of these things regularly. If you could have the perfect schedule, what would it look like? What is standing in the way of having this perfect schedule? Is this something that you can change Just because the schedule worked well for you before? If you don't like it now, you could always try to change it.
Speaker 1:
What did you say yes to this week that you wish you would have said no to? What were your reasons for saying yes? Were you avoiding something? Backlash Guilty feelings, someone else's anger, fear of disappointing someone. Practice saying no to little things. Learn to feel comfortable with it.
Speaker 1:
Some mantras for this week. I'd like you to try and repeat these words when you wake up and when you fall asleep. I'm a good person and worthy of other people's time and love. People who love me want me to be happy. I can create my own happiness by focusing on the things that bring me joy. I will be better help to others when I keep my own mental and physical health in order. I don't need to sacrifice my time, energy or happiness to make others feel better. I am enough.
Speaker 1:
Thank you for spending this time with me. Join me next week when we talk about anxiety. Have a nice week. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.