Discover the keys to personal liberation as I, Dr. Angela Downey, guide you through the labyrinth of codependency and control, offering insights that promise to unlock new doors to self-awareness and empowerment. Together, we'll confront the tough questions about our futile attempts to control others and learn to distinguish what's within our grasp from what's not. By embracing the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer, we'll cultivate a mindset focused on personal change rather than external manipulation, setting the stage for more fulfilling relationships and a profound sense of inner control.
You'll come away with actionable insights on creating deep and meaningful connections, the art of listening and expressing, and the courage to trust your intuition. Join me in this transformative journey and take your first step towards overcoming codependency and embracing the growth that lies within your control.
Discover the keys to personal liberation as I, Dr. Angela Downey, guide you through the labyrinth of codependency and control, offering insights that promise to unlock new doors to self-awareness and empowerment. Together, we'll confront the tough questions about our futile attempts to control others and learn to distinguish what's within our grasp from what's not. By embracing the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer, we'll cultivate a mindset focused on personal change rather than external manipulation, setting the stage for more fulfilling relationships and a profound sense of inner control.
You'll come away with actionable insights on creating deep and meaningful connections, the art of listening and expressing, and the courage to trust your intuition. Join me in this transformative journey and take your first step towards overcoming codependency and embracing the growth that lies within your control.
Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and thank you for joining me for the fifth episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm Dr Angela Downey and today's episode is going to focus on what you can and can't control.
Speaker 1:
I can't believe that this is the fifth episode. I've been doing this for just over a month. I still can't believe that I'm recording an episode. I've been doing this for just over a month. I still can't believe that I'm recording an episode. I still get really nervous before recording, but it's getting a little bit easier and I'm really enjoying it. If you are liking the podcast and benefiting from it, I would appreciate if you could click like or subscribe to the podcast. Also, I would appreciate if you can maybe make a quick comment on what you might find helpful about the podcast. There's a lot of people out there who don't know what co-independency is, and I'm happy to be putting out free content, also excited to announce that my website is going to be completed in the next week or so. It's not a very busy website, but I'm excited to have some presence on the internet.
Speaker 1:
Today's topic is about controlling others. I've been thinking of different ways that I can deliver this episode for a couple weeks now. The topic is huge and it can go in so many different directions. Initially, I had a podcast kind of laid out to discuss all the ways that people can be controlling through things like lying or manipulating, but I think I might focus on that a little bit later, and today I'm going to focus on what you can and can't control. The podcast is inspired by the Serenity Prayer and it's often used in 12-step recovery programs and focuses on accepting the limitations of control while recognizing the power we have to make changes. The Serenity Prayer goes like this God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. We all like to think that we're good people and that we treat other people with respect. I don't think that in the past, I would have said that I was controlling. But looking back now on some of my past behaviors, I can see that I have done things that were controlling and I'm not sure I realized it at the time, but they were. At the time I thought I was probably doing something for a really good reason, but it was still an attempt to change someone else or change their behavior.
Speaker 1:
The ultimate lesson for today's podcast is that we can't control other people and that we can only control ourselves. Other people are outside of our control and trying to control them takes an inordinate amount of time and energy. So here are some of the things that you can't control. I'll go over the list quickly and then we can dive deeper into each. So things that we can't control Other people's opinions, other people's mistakes, the future, the past, other people's happiness, other people's motives, other people's reaction, what happens around me, and if people like me or not. Trying to control anything from the list above can be very frustrating. It can take up a lot of your time and it's not going to help foster a healthy relationship. So I want to dive a little deeper into all of these things that we can't control. So, the first one being that we can't control other people's opinions. This includes what that person thinks of you. The other person will believe what they choose to believe, just like I have the choice to believe the things that I do.
Speaker 1:
We all come from different backgrounds. We have our own perspectives, biases and experiences. Our actions and behaviors can influence their opinions, but ultimately, their thoughts and their opinions are beyond our control. We can't control other people's mistakes. We all have free will and agency over our own lives. Everyone's going to make decisions for themselves, and some of those decisions might be misjudgments, or rather, we might perceive them to be misjudgments. We can help, guide and offer support, but ultimately, the choices that they make are theirs alone. It's also not our job to fix the mistakes for them. If we do, then that person isn't going to learn anything from it.
Speaker 1:
We can't control the future as much as I'd like to. We can't. Who knows what's going to happen in the future? There's a lot of anxiety that comes from worrying about the future. As much as I'd like to, we can't. Who knows what's going to happen in the future? There's a lot of anxiety that comes from worrying about the future and trying to control the outcomes. There's a lot of variables at play and we can't control all of them. We can maybe influence it to a certain extent through our actions, but ultimately the future is inherently uncertain and unpredictable. We can't change the past. Unfortunately, it's done, it happened. We can't go back and we can't change whatever happened. All we can do is keep looking forward, learn from what's happened and choose how we're going to proceed. It's important to reflect on the past and understand how the past is impacting us today, but we can't change the event itself. We can't undo our past mistakes or any of our past traumas, but we can choose how we're going to move forward from now on.
Speaker 1:
We also can't control other people's happiness. Happiness is subjective and it's very personal. It's influenced by other people's perspectives, their experiences, their personality traits, their internal factors that are way beyond our control. Things that make me happy aren't necessarily going to make the other person happy, and if we attempt to control someone else's happiness by imposing our standards and our expectations for happiness, it can be very frustrating for us and it can lead to resentment or feelings of inadequacy for the other person. We are each responsible for our own happiness and finding the things that bring us joy. We also can't control other people's motives. Sometimes we can guess what someone else's motives are through their words or their actions, but we can't dictate what drives them. Trying to manipulate or change another person interferes with their sense of self. Other things we can't control are how other people react. People will respond to situations differently depending on their personal history, their beliefs or their temperaments. The same event might trigger different reactions from different people. We can't always anticipate how that person is going to react. And, last but not least, that we can't control if someone likes us.
Speaker 1:
We talked about this a little in episode three on people pleasing. People aren't going to naturally gravitate to others through factors like compatibility, chemistry and general preference. All you can do is be your authentic self and you will naturally gravitate to people who are very similar to you. If you're not being your authentic self, then you're going to attract people who just aren't going to mesh well with you and it's going to be more work for you to try and make that relationship continue and be successful.
Speaker 1:
If you're not happy with where life has taken you, it's important to know that you're not alone, but you are the only person who can change that. You can't wait for other people to change it for you. If you're in a relationship that makes you unhappy, you can only control your actions. You can't make a person appreciate or love you more. You can't make another person respect you more. You can maybe let your partner know that you're feeling unappreciated or unloved and that you'd like to work on your relationship, but it's up to them as to how they would like to respond to that. If they choose to continue behaving like they were and you're not happy with that, then you have a choice to decide what you would like to do. You have the choice to accept that they are the way they are and that you're not going to be able to change that. You can choose to value yourself and who you are, while learning to cope with your partner and their beliefs and their behaviors, or you can choose to leave that partner and, by focusing on your health and sense of worthiness, you'll come into contact with someone else who might be more compatible with you.
Speaker 1:
So what can you control? You can control your attitude, your thoughts, your actions, the choices you make, how you express yourself, how you invest your time and energy. You can control boundaries. You can control the way you treat others and who you spend time with. You can control your own happiness.
Speaker 1:
So let's dive into a couple of these. The first thing you can control is your attitude. This involves being mindful of your thoughts and emotions. You can become more self-aware, so notice any negative patterns that aren't serving you and recognize the triggers that can lead to these thoughts. You can take those negative thoughts and reframe them into more positive ones. Practicing an attitude of gratitude is going to help you focus on the more positive aspects of your life and recognize all the wonderful things that you already have. Mindfulness and meditation can help you remain calm and composed in difficult situations. You can set goals. It's going to help you move in a forward direction, towards achievements and different successes.
Speaker 1:
Self-care is also very important. I just read a great book called Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshman, who is a psychiatrist. It talks about faux self-care being things like going to the spa and getting pedicures, versus real self-care, by setting boundaries and having ownership of your own life. This book was absolutely life-changing for me and I want to highly recommend it. So, once again, that's Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshman.
Speaker 1:
Other things you can control are the choices that you make. Again, this involves being very self-aware and intentional with your choices. You can start by clarifying your values and figure out what matters the most in your life. What are some of your core values Again, setting goals for yourself in the future. So keep these goals in mind when you're making decisions, and don't forget to consider the consequences.
Speaker 1:
Trust your gut. When I feel like I'm making a bad decision, my gut's going to tell me something's wrong. My spidey senses start tingling and I have to pay attention to that. I take my gut feelings very seriously. And also, when you make choices, you have to take responsibility for those choices, whether the outcome is positive or negative. If you make the wrong decision, own it and learn from it. You can also control how you express yourself. Learn to recognize your different emotions and thoughts.
Speaker 1:
Notice how, what you say in different situations and the impact it has on others around you. Make sure that you think before you speak. So what message is it that you're trying to convey? Why is this important and what's the best way that you can make your message be understood? This is definitely one of my shortcomings.
Speaker 1:
I'll often say something and then realize that it came out the wrong way, and when I see the other person's face drop. I know I've said the wrong thing, but sometimes I didn't mean it the way it maybe came out. So if I'm giving someone bad news, it would be normal for them to react this way. But if I don't understand their reaction and I didn't mean for whatever it is I said to be bad then it's okay to ask that person and just say something like I feel like I've said something wrong. I was trying to say X, but I can see that maybe that's not how you took it. Can I ask how you felt about that? Or what is it that you heard when I said this? So as an example and this might sound extreme, but let's say you tell somebody that they look beautiful today, you see that as a compliment and you don't see anything wrong with that comment. But if the other person sees that as you saying that they don't look beautiful on all the other days of the week, they're going to be saddened by that. So it's important that you ask them. When I said that you look beautiful, what did you hear when I said that you can also practice active listening, pay attention to the other person's tone and their body language, try not to interrupt them and try to be fully engaged in the conversation.
Speaker 1:
Keep in mind how your emotions can change your communication. If you're in a heated debate, try taking a big breath before answering any questions or continuing on with the conversation. Try practicing empathy. Try taking a big breath before answering any questions or continuing on with the conversation. Try practicing empathy. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Try to understand their perspectives and why they might act the way that they do. This doesn't excuse poor behavior, though, and it doesn't mean accepting abuse. It's important to prioritize your well-being and to set boundaries, even when you're trying to understand the perspective of other people. Try to be assertive when you express yourself. Use I statements to communicate your needs and preferences without criticizing the other people in the process. You can also just practice communication skills by taking a course or whatnot, or conversing with other people on a regular basis. Those are different ways that you can control how you're expressing yourself.
Speaker 1:
You also can control your thoughts. You notice negative thought patterns. Are they helpful? How can you change them? How can you change the thought patterns that aren't serving you anymore? You can focus on the present. The past is done and you don't know what the future is going to bring, so all you can do is focus on right now. You can engage in doing positive activities and doing things that promote positive growth and thinking things like exercising, hobbies, spending time with loved ones and just doing things that you generally enjoy. It's important to practice self-compassion and be kind to yourself.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes I come home from an evening with friends and, instead of focusing on the fun that I had, I start revisiting all the things that I said and all the things that may have been perceived as negative or hurtful. I start ruminating about them and that's all I think about. I beat myself up for saying something that wasn't smart or thinking I should have done this instead. I should have said this instead. It's important to recognize that we're all human and that we all say things that we regret. Sometimes. You need to reflect on the things that you can do differently next time and let that be the end of it. So cut yourself some slack. We're all growing and figuring things out as we go along.
Speaker 1:
Try to limit your exposures to triggers. If certain events or situations are triggering negative thoughts for you, then try to limit your exposure to them. I would also encourage you to seek help if you're struggling with controlling some of your emotions or controlling some of your thoughts. You can also control who you spend your time with, what are your priorities and who are the people who respect you and your values? Who has similar interests? Are there any social clubs that you can join? Who contributes to your life in a positive way, and how can you go about spending more time with that person? Try to prioritize quality over quantity. I personally would rather cultivate deeper connections with a few close friends and family rather than spreading myself thin with superficial acquaintances. I'm not very good at small talk anyway, so I'd rather have a couple of people that I have a really deep connection with.
Speaker 1:
Another thing that you can control are your boundaries. I think setting boundaries is so important. I'm going to make this probably the focus of my next podcast, so today I'm not going to spend too much time on it. I'm just going to move on to other stuff and talk about boundaries in the next episode.
Speaker 1:
Another thing that you can control is your own happiness. You can't count on other people to make you happy. Only you can do that. Only you can take the proactive steps to have a more positive mindset and prioritizing people or activities that bring you joy. Try practicing gratitude. Focus on the present, set meaningful goals, whether that be for work, for family life or self-care. Try and foster healthy and meaningful relationships. Take care of yourself by feeding your mind, your body and your spirit. That can involve getting adequate sleep, reading, eating well, exercising, and try to pursue some hobbies and interests that bring you joy. Stress management is also very important. You can use different strategies, like meditating, doing some deep breathing, mindfulness or by doing activities that help you unwind and relax, like watching your favorite TV show or doing a puzzle, taking a bath or listening to music.
Speaker 1:
It's also important that you embrace resilience. Fostering resilience is finding a way to make it through the tough times. I see this as being the equivalent, as feeling like you failed at something, but then you get back up again, and you're trying to do this without throwing yourself into a shame spiral. Failing is such a big part of life. I have failed the third grade, I failed my first year of university, and it took me another eight years to make the decision to go back to school and to try and be a doctor. I had to record my first two episodes of this podcast because they sounded so terrible, but I still recorded that third time to try and make it better. You are going to have setbacks. Anticipate that they're going to happen and that they are going to be part of your journey. Try accepting that they happened. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and then keep moving in a forward direction. Failing is part of life. You can choose to feel shame about it or you can recognize that failing is important in order to succeed.
Speaker 1:
I was sitting on the fence about starting this podcast. My biggest fear was failing and that other people would be sitting there watching me fail. I listened to several podcasts on success and one of them gave me the challenge to fail at something five times every month and that if you failed at something, it would be okay, and to anticipate that it would likely happen four more times that month. This gave me permission to try something new and not to worry about failing, because failing is okay. The most successful people are those that have failed the most. I don't know who initially quoted this, but I think it's absolutely brilliant. Failure comes to us all, but it's important that we get back up and that we learn from our failure. That's the only way that we're going to become successful in the future.
Speaker 1:
I recently went to a mother-son breakfast at my son's school. I haven't talked much about my kids yet, but I do have a 21-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old son who's graduating this year. Part of this event was having the boys bring their mothers up on stage and read a letter that the boys had written. So basically, my son wrote me a letter and it was supposed to include all the things that he loved or appreciated about me. He said some really kind things, which was fantastic to hear, but one of the things that he did bring up was that he had seen me fail many times in life and that he saw me get back up every time and that that gave him the courage to try new things and to approach it without fear, and that it was okay to fail.
Speaker 1:
I went back to school when I was older to become a doctor, so I went through medical school with two kids. My kids saw me struggle with trying to manage workload and, you know, doing exams and yet trying to take care of my family, trying to take care of my partner. They definitely saw me have to overcome some obstacles. I really thought I was doing the best that I could and I didn't realize that my kids would see me struggle, but they did, and it's okay. It gave them permission to be able to try new things and taught them how to get back up when things didn't work out the way they wanted them to. We are all human and we're all going to make mistakes. We're all going to fail at things. So don't be afraid to try something new, because you never know who's going to be inspired by the efforts that you're making. Anyways, that is a total digression from what we were talking about today, which was supposed to be about controlling others, but I wanted to throw that in because it happened last week and I'm just proud of both my children. So our homework for this week is looking at different ways that we might control other people and how we can focus on ourselves a little more instead. So here's your homework.
Speaker 1:
Is there someone in your life that you have tried to control by changing their behavior? There someone in your life that you have tried to control by changing their behavior? What was your intention when you did this? Were you looking for validation, a sense of security, a specific outcome? How was your attempt to control that person received? Were they resentful or angry? Did it cause tension in your relationship. Did the person change their behavior as a result? In your relationship, did the person change their behavior as a result? Did this make you happier for it and did the change last? If it didn't last, why do you think it didn't last? What are different ways that you could approach the situation?
Speaker 1:
Knowing that you can't control the other person, try shifting the focus to yourself and the things that you can control. How are your current thoughts, emotions and actions serving you? How are they no longer serving you? Try to be more self-aware. Set up some goals for the upcoming week.
Speaker 1:
You may want to re-listen to the podcast, especially the section on the things that you can control. Pick something to work on for the week. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'll meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when we're going to be talking about setting boundaries. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.