Experiencing the Death of a Loved One and Coping with Grief

In this heartfelt episode we will  explore the intricate ways that grief impacts our lives, regardless of the loss being anticipated. We discuss how the depth and health of our relationships can shape our grieving processes, making each experience deeply unique and personal. From denial to acceptance, I offer insights into the often misunderstood stages of grief, emphasizing that there's no right or wrong way to navigate such a profound emotional landscape.

We'll embark on a journey through the stages of grief, starting with the initial shock of denial, progressing through the raw emotions of anger, the hopeful yet often futile attempts at bargaining, and the heavy weight of depression. Through each stage, we'll uncover how these emotions affect our behaviors and offer opportunities for growth and healing.  Make sure to subscribe and stay connected, as these conversations aim to support you in leading a healthier, more fulfilling life. Remember, grieving is a deeply personal journey, but you don't have to go through it alone—seek support from loved ones and professionals, and honor your emotions as you heal.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the sixth episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, and today's episode we're going to be talking about dealing with death. This is something that we all experience in our lifetimes and we can't be afraid to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 1:01

Last Thursday, my beautiful golden retriever, moxie, died. She was 13 and a half and a vibrant member of our household. Although she was still very happy and energetic, we knew that she was starting to slow down and that her time was approaching. But her being old didn't change how we felt when she was gone. Just because she was getting older and we knew that she was going to be passing away, we still felt a lot of sadness when the time came. Losing her left me feeling absolutely gutted and I miss seeing her in the house every day. It's amazing how much room that an animal can take in your life and in your heart. Now, last week I ended the episode saying that today we were going to be talking about setting boundaries. But I'm not quite done with that episode yet and I felt that it was too important a topic to deliver something half fast, so I decided to talk about dealing with death instead and I promised to deliver something great next week on setting boundaries. I picked today's topic mainly because it was the most pressing thing in my life right now.

Speaker 1: 2:03

The death of a loved one can be really difficult for those people who are codependent. Our reliance on others for validation and a blurred sense of self can intensify the feelings of loss and abandonment. Codependent people may lack healthy coping mechanisms and struggle to form new connections, and this can exacerbate their grief. But ultimately, everyone is going to deal with death at some point in their life. It can be an incredibly challenging and painful experience that can deeply impact every aspect of our lives. Everyone's going to experience death differently and it's important not to make assumptions about how another person is feeling about death.

Speaker 1: 2:38

The experience of someone's death can vary a lot depending on the depth of the relationship that you had with them. If the person who passed away was just an acquaintance, you might feel a sense of sadness or loss, especially if you shared some positive interactions with them, but the impact on your life may be relatively limited and you might not feel as profoundly affected as you would have if they would have been a close friend or family member. If the person who died was someone that was close to you, like a friend, family member or partner, the experience of the grief is likely to be a lot more intense and complex. You might grapple with overwhelming emotions like shock or disbelief, sadness and a profound sense of loss. The memories that you shared, like your experiences, inside jokes or intimate moments, might flood your thoughts and it can intensify your sense of longing and sorrow. The depth of the relationship you had with the person is going to profoundly shape the way you experience their death. While the loss of a person that you didn't know very well might make you feel a little bit more subdued or have a fleeting sense of sadness, the death of someone that was really close to you can trigger some pretty profound and enduring grief that will reverberate through every aspect of your life. It's important to acknowledge and honor your feelings, whatever they might be, and seek the support of loved ones and professionals that can help you navigate the grieving process.

Speaker 1: 4:00

Your experience of grieving can be influenced by the health of the relationship that you had with the person who passed away. Your relationship was really close if it was loving and supportive. You might feel a profound sense of loss and sadness, and so memories of the shared experiences that you may have had might bring you some comfort, or it might bring you some sorrow, as you are learning to mourn your life without them in it. Whereas the relationship, if it, was strained or conflicted or distanced, your experience of the grief might be a little bit more complex. You might end up grappling with the feelings of guilt or regret or unresolved emotions, as well as the loss itself. Processing these emotions can be really challenging for people, but in some cases, if the relationship was abusive or unhealthy, your grief might be complicated by emotions like relief or anger alongside that sadness. Overall, the type and health of the relationship that you had with the person who died can shape the way that you experience grief. This can influence the range of emotions that you might feel and the challenges that you encounter as you navigate the grieving process.

Speaker 1: 5:05

People often talk about the five stages of grieving. They are often attributed to the psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who introduced them in her 1969 book called On Death and Dying. The stages of grief that she identified were denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages were originally proposed to describe the emotional response of a terminally ill patient facing their own pending death, but they've since been widely applied to various types of loss and grieving experiences. It's important to note that the concept of the stages of grief has been often criticized and is debated within the field of psychology. Some experts might argue that grief is a much more complex process, but I think that there's still some value in exploring them. It's really important to understand that these stages are not linear and they can occur in any order. Also, not everyone is going to experience all the stages, and some might revisit certain stages multiple times.

Speaker 1: 6:03

Grieving is a very deeply personal experience and there's no right or wrong way to go through it. It's essential to allow yourself the time and the space that you need to process your emotions and heal, without feeling the pressure to conform to any specific timeline or set of stages. Everyone's journey through this grief is going to be unique and there's no one-size-fits-all model for how it's going to unfold for you. The first stage of grieving is denial. So the denial stage of grief is often the initial reaction to a significant loss and this is where people struggle to accept the reality of what's happened. So during this stage people are going to find that it's difficult to believe or acknowledge the truth about the situation, and it's really a defense mechanism that provides a temporary buffer against any intense emotions that might accompany that loss.

Speaker 1: 6:51

Initially, people may feel numb or disconnected to their emotions. They might have difficulty comprehending the reality of the loss and leading to a sense of disbelief or unreality. People in denial might actively avoid thoughts, conversations or reminders related to the loss. They might try to distract themselves or engage in activities to escape the pain temporarily. Some individuals might downplay the significance of the loss or its impact on their life. They might convince themselves that things aren't as bad as they seem or they quickly bounce back from the situation. There may be a persistent hope or belief that the loss is temporary or reversible. People might cling to the idea that things will somehow return to the way they were before that loss occurred.

Speaker 1: 7:34

Danelle can cloud judgment and impair your decision-making abilities. People may struggle with making important changes, with making important choices. Loss occurred. Denial can cloud judgment and impair your decision-making abilities. People may struggle with making important changes, with making important choices or take necessary actions because they're unable to fully acknowledge the reality of the situation. While denial can initially provide a sense of emotional protection, it can also result in temporary numbing of your emotions. People might appear detached or emotionless as they try to cope with the shock of their loss. It's important to recognize that denial is a very natural and common response to grief and it serves a purpose in helping people gradually come to terms with their loss. The problem comes when people are stuck in denial and it can slow the grieving process and prevent the healing. Encouraging open communication, providing gentle support and allowing individuals to express their feelings in their own time can help them move through the denial stage and begin to confront their grief more fully.

Speaker 1: 8:27

The second stage listed is anger. Anger is a common and natural reaction during the grieving process and it often follows the denial stage, but not always. It typically arises as people begin to grapple with the reality of the loss and the intense emotion that it brings. Anger can manifest in various ways and can be directed towards different targets, including yourself, others or even the deceased person. Anger might be directed to external factors or individuals perceived to be responsible for the loss. This might include medical professionals, fate, god or any other person who was involved in the situation. It can manifest itself as outbursts, yelling, blaming or even physical aggression sometimes.

Speaker 1: 9:10

In some cases, people might turn their anger inward, directing it towards themselves. They might feel guilt or self-blame for things that they did or didn't do, or for the emotions that they're experiencing. Internalized anger can lead to feelings of shame, worthlessness or self-destructive behaviors. Anger often stems from a sense of injustice or unfairness surrounding the loss. Individuals might feel cheated or betrayed or robbed of something that was really important to them. This sense of injustice can intensify feelings of anger and might fuel a desire for retribution or restitution. Sometimes, anger serves as a shield to protect people from more vulnerable feelings like sadness or fear or helplessness. It might be easier for them to express anger outwardly than to confront the deeper pain and vulnerabilities that are associated with grief. Now, anger can be overwhelming and challenging to manage, but it's important to recognize that it's often a temporary stage in the process as individuals work through their emotions and begin to process their loss. The intensity of the anger can diminish over time. Acknowledging and validating feelings of anger is essential in the grieving process. Encouraging healthy outlets for expression, such as talking with a trusted friend or counselor, maybe journaling or engaging in physical activity, can often help people cope and eventually move through the stage of grief.

Speaker 1: 10:33

The third stage of grief is bargaining. Bargaining is characterized by attempts to negotiate or make deals in an effort to avoid or mitigate the pain of the loss. It typically involves a sense of desperation and a desire to regain control in the face of all the overwhelming circumstances. Bargaining is characterized by attempts to negotiate or make deals in an effort to avoid or mitigate the pain of the loss. There's usually a sense of desperation and a desire to regain control. A common manifestation of bargaining is the repetition of if-only statements reflecting on what could have been done differently as to avoid the loss. This may include thoughts like if only I had acted sooner or if only I had said or done something differently. Bargaining often involves making deals and negotiations in exchange for relief from grief or suffering. This could involve promising to change certain behaviors or dedicating yourself to a cause or committing to specific actions in the hopes of appeasing fate or finding a solution to the problem. Bargaining might provide a temporary sense of relief or control over a situation, and it might help you feel less powerless or helpless.

Speaker 1: 11:45

Depression depression is a significant and often profound stage of grief. It's marked by overwhelming feelings of sadness, despair and hopelessness. It can manifest in various ways and can have a profound impact on a person's emotional, cognitive and physical well-being. Feelings of profound sadness are common during the depression stage of grief. Individuals might experience waves of grief that feel overwhelming and all-encompassing. The feelings can be accompanied by a sense of emotional numbness or detachment. Some individuals might describe feeling empty or hollow inside, as part of them has been lost, along with the person or the things that they're grieving.

Speaker 1: 12:24

Grief and loss often will rob people of their ability to experience enjoyment or pleasure in activities that they once found meaningful. Hobbies and social interactions and other sources of joy might no longer hold that same appeal to people, which can contribute to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Depression can sap people from their energy and their motivation. Even simple tasks can feel overwhelming, and people might struggle to find the motivation even to get out of bed in the morning or take care of themselves. Some people might experience the loss of appetite or some weight loss, while other people are going to turn to food for comfort, leading to overeating and weight gain. Sleep disturbances can cause insomnia and excessive sleeping are also common. Depression can also impair cognitive functioning, which can make it difficult to concentrate and remember things or make decisions. I often hear patients talk about having brain fog or feeling disoriented. Depression can lead to withdrawal from social interactions and a desire to isolate yourself from others. You might feel disconnected from friends and family, believing that others can't understand or relate to your pain.

Speaker 1: 13:31

Depression while grieving can be accompanied by feelings of guilt, self-blame or worthlessness. People might ruminate on past actions or perceive failures, and they put themselves down for things that they believe that they should have done differently. It's important to recognize that depression is a natural and normal response to loss and that seeking the support from friends and family or mental health professionals can be helpful in navigating the stage. You can seek help from a counselor therapist there are support groups out there and you can practice self-care strategies as well, just to work towards healing and, eventually, acceptance of the loss.

Speaker 1: 14:06

The fifth stage is acceptance. Acceptance is usually regarded as the final phase in the grieving process, but it's important to note that grief is not necessarily linear and that people might revisit earlier stages even after reaching acceptance. In this stage, people will come to terms with the reality of the loss and they'll begin to integrate it into their lives in a way that allows them to move forward. People recognize that the person or the thing that they've lost is gone, and now they must adapt to a new reality without them. It's important to recognize that acceptance doesn't mean the absence of sadness or guilt. It does, however, mean that people will experience a greater sense of emotional stability and inner peace. They may still have moments of sadness or longing, but these emotions no longer dominate their lives or impair their ability to function. Instead of trying to resist or deny the pain of their loss, people in the acceptance stage learn to integrate it into their lives. They find ways to honor the memory of what they've lost while also moving forward with their lives and pursuing new goals and interests. Acceptance often involves a gradual reconnection with life and a renewed sense of hope for the future. People may start to engage fully in activities that they used to enjoy, they might reconnect with friends and family, and they might pursue opportunities for growth.

Speaker 1: 15:23

Grief can be a profoundly transformative experience, and the acceptance stage often involves a lot of reflection and personal growth. People might gain new insights into themselves and their relationships. They will develop a greater resilience and compassion as a result of the experience. While the pain of grief never fully disappears, people who have reached acceptance are often better equipped to cope with future challenges and losses. They've developed a coping skill and a deeper understanding of their own strength and resilience which can help them navigate life's ups and downs with greater calmness.

Speaker 1: 15:58

As a friend who is helping someone cope with a loss, here are some of the things that you can do, and keep in mind that this is advice that you can use in a lot of different situations, like the loss of a loved one, a loss of a pet, losing someone's job, or the end of a relationship or any kind of health related issue. So here are some of the ways that you can be most helpful to others. Listen without judgment. Allow your friend to express their feelings openly, without feeling rushed or judged. Sometimes, just having someone to listen to can be incredibly comforting. Validate their emotions. Let your friend know that their feelings are valid and that it's okay to experience a wide range of emotions during grief. Avoid minimizing their experiences or trying to fix their pain. Other practical support, so offer to help with practical tasks like running errands or preparing a meal. You can take care of some of their household chores. These small acts of kindness can alleviate a lot of the burden that your friend might be facing.

Speaker 1: 16:57

Respect their boundaries. Respect your friend's need for space and privacy. Let them know that you're there for them whenever they're ready to talk or spend time together. Follow their lead. Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace. So follow your friend's lead in terms of what they need from you. If they want to talk, be there to listen. If they need space, respect that as well. Remember the person that they lost. So acknowledge and remember the person that your friend has lost. Share some of your memories, photos or stories, if appropriate, and let your friend know that their loved one will not be forgotten.

Speaker 1: 17:33

Be patient. Grieving is a process that takes time and your friend may have good days and might have bad days. Be patient and understanding and let them know that it's okay to take as much time as they need to heal. Encourage self-care. Encourage your friend to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and mentally. Offer to go for a walk together or attend a support group with them, or engage in activities that used to bring them joy. Check in regularly. Keep in touch with your friend regularly, even after the initial shock of their loss has passed. Let them know that you're thinking of them and that you're there to support them through all the ups and downs of their grief. Seek professional help if needed. If you're concerned about your friend's well-being or their grief seems overwhelming, encourage them to seek professional help from a therapist, counselor or support group that specializes in grief and loss. Most importantly, let your friend know that they are not alone and that you're there to support them through one of the most difficult times in their life. Your presence, understanding and compassion can make a world of difference as they navigate their grief journey.

Speaker 1: 18:36

Death is something that we don't like to talk about, and yet it's the only guarantee in life. It is part of our human experience. We will all experience someone close to us dying. We will all need to support a friend as they grieve their loss, and we too will eventually die. By openly acknowledging death and its inevitability, we can reduce the stigma and fear surrounding the topic.

Speaker 1: 18:59

Homework for this week. Grief is such a heavy topic and I don't feel like assigning homework this week, so how about we just take some time to take care of ourselves? Go for a walk. You can do some deep breathing and recognize all the things that you're grateful for. Tell someone important to you that you love them. Remember that friend that you've been thinking about lately, but you haven't seen them in a long time. Give them a call, check in and see how they're doing. Look at your kids and appreciate the good things about them.

Speaker 1: 19:29

I wish you all a great week and I'll meet you here again next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when we finally get around to talking about setting boundaries. See you then. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.