What if you could transform your relationships by simply defining how others treat you? Join Dr. Angela Downey this week on the Codependent Doctor as we uncover the power of setting healthy boundaries. Through relatable examples we learn how to communicate needs assertively and respectfully. This episode sheds light on why codependents often struggle with boundary setting, addressing fears of conflict, guilt, and past traumas. Dr. Downey breaks down the three essential steps to boundary setting—recognizing the need, establishing the boundary, and maintaining it—empowering you to prioritize your well-being and foster healthier relationships.
Don’t miss this insightful episode filled with practical solutions to help you maintain your boundaries and nurture more respectful and supportive relationships. Remember to click, like, and subscribe to stay updated and support others in their journey to healthier connections.
What if you could transform your relationships by simply defining how others treat you? Join Dr. Angela Downey this week on the Codependent Doctor as we uncover the power of setting healthy boundaries. Through relatable examples we learn how to communicate needs assertively and respectfully. This episode sheds light on why codependents often struggle with boundary setting, addressing fears of conflict, guilt, and past traumas. Dr. Downey breaks down the three essential steps to boundary setting—recognizing the need, establishing the boundary, and maintaining it—empowering you to prioritize your well-being and foster healthier relationships.
Don’t miss this insightful episode filled with practical solutions to help you maintain your boundaries and nurture more respectful and supportive relationships. Remember to click, like, and subscribe to stay updated and support others in their journey to healthier connections.
Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the seventh episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, and today's episode is going to be on setting boundaries. I welcome any questions, suggestions or ideas for future episodes. You can send me an email to codependentdoctor at gmailcom or find me through my website at wwwthecodependentdoctorcom.
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In episode 5, we learned that we can't control others. Setting boundaries is not about controlling other people, but rather it's about teaching the other person how you would like to be treated and what is needed for them to be in a healthy relationship with you. It's a way to protect yourself, to protect your mental health, protect your energy. Sometimes it might be needed to protect your physical health, protect your relationship and protect your self-esteem. So let's say that Uncle Joe is a heavy smoker and has been smoking in your house. If this is something that you don't like because it triggers your asthma, or maybe you just don't like the way it smells in your house, then you can set a boundary with him. You can't tell him to stop smoking, because that would be trying to control him, but you can tell him that you won't allow smoking in your house because that's what you need to protect yourself from the harmful effects of smoking. You can say something like hey, uncle Joe, it's always great hanging out with you. Just a quick heads up, though. I'm not a fan of smoking in my house. No worries, though, I've got a cool spot set up on the back porch just for that. If he won't listen, you can say if you don't like smoking outside, I'll need to ask you to hold off on smoking during our get-togethers altogether. I totally understand if that's a deal-breaker for you, but I gotta keep the air fresh for everyone. So if you really don't want to go outside to smoke or not light up at all, then I won't be inviting you to the house anymore. I look forward to hanging out with you, so let me know what you'd like to do.
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Setting boundaries is a concept that seems so simple, yet it can be difficult for many of us to put in place. Think of your yard. If you're wanting to protect your yard, you can put up a fence. This helps people recognize the limits of your property. Setting personal boundaries is like putting up a fence for yourself, not to keep all the people out, but rather to show people how they can interact with you and how they can treat you in your space. You can't force the other people to behave differently and they can choose whether or not they're going to change. If they decide not to change and you don't like how they're treating you, then it's up to you. On how you're going to manage that, you might need to remove yourself from that situation or ask them to leave the yard.
Speaker 1:
Setting boundaries with others can be challenging for so many reasons. Many codependents have a fear of conflict. We don't like confrontation or rejection. There's a sense of guilt or obligation. We feel guilty about asserting our needs and we have been conditioned to prioritize the needs of others over our own. We also worry about disappointing others. We worry about having the approval of others. We often seek validation of others and we worry that setting boundaries might make us appear selfish or uncaring. We sometimes struggle with assertiveness skills, making it challenging to communicate our needs. Past experiences of boundary violations, abuse or trauma can make it challenging to trust others or be assertive with setting boundaries in future relationships. Codependents sometimes struggle to recognize their own worth and prioritize their own needs, which makes it difficult to set and maintain boundaries. Cultural or familial expectations might discourage setting boundaries or prioritizing the collective needs of a group rather than your own well-being, and some codependents may not even recognize that a boundary is needed. You might be uncertain of your own needs or preferences, which makes it challenging to communicate these with other people. At the most basic level, boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that you use to protect your physical, emotional and mental well-being. You're telling others how you want to be treated and what's okay and what's not okay. Boundaries are super important in every part of life, whether it's with your friends at work, your partner or just chilling out in your own space.
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There are three steps in setting boundaries. Step one is to determine that you need a boundary and even just recognizing that one is needed. Step two is setting a boundary and step three is maintaining that boundary. So let's dive into that first step a little bit and determining that you need a boundary. This involves recognizing situations or behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable, disrespected or overwhelmed. You know those moments when you know that something just doesn't feel right. It's like your gut is trying to tell you something, or maybe you start feeling jittery or you're suddenly not so keen on hanging out with someone. It's like seeing their name pop up on your phone and feeling a little bit uneasy or dreading bumping into that person at the next get-together. These are signs that something's up and it's totally okay to pay attention to them. Your gut knows what's best for you, so you might need a boundary if you often feel resentful or frustrated in a particular relationship or situation.
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If you feel overwhelmed by demands, responsibilities or expectations from others. If certain behaviors or interactions consistently make you feel uncomfortable, anxious or unhappy. If someone invades your personal space, physically hurts you or makes you feel unsafe. If you find yourself consistently prioritizing everyone else's needs over your own, consistently prioritizing everyone else's needs over your own. If someone consistently disrespects your time or feelings. If a relationship leaves you feeling drained, exhausted or emotionally gutted. If you feel guilty about saying no or telling someone what you need. If there are lots of miscommunications, misunderstandings or conflicts in your relationship, if someone acts in a way that you don't agree with, if their behavior goes against your values and your beliefs. Recognizing these signs requires self-awareness and being honest with yourself about how you're feeling and what your needs are. It's important to trust your instincts and recognize that you are your own priority.
Speaker 1:
I'll go through a few examples of situations where boundaries might be needed to be set and we can go through the three steps together. So, example one Jamie's and keep in mind I've made up a lot of these examples. These are fictional characters that I've made up just to demonstrate certain situations. Jamie's a 20-year-old in her second year of university, where she's taking theatre classes, and these classes are being paid for by her parents. She has been passionate about theatre since she was a child, but she comes from a family of academics, like doctors, lawyers, accountants. She is bisexual and is currently dating a female that she met in her theater class.
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Her parents often criticize her choices, such as her career, her relationship and her lifestyle. Jamie has started avoiding seeing her parents or talking to them on the phone because of the comments they continue to make and attempts to micromanage her life. She's worried that her parents will stop paying for university if she stands up for herself. Step one recognizing that the boundary is needed. Jamie's parents often criticize her job, her partner and how she lives. They don't show any respect for her freedom to make her own decisions. All this negativity is probably making her feel pretty bad. It's important for her mental health to set limits to protect herself from this criticism. Maybe she needs to spend less time with her parents or tell them clearly that she won't put up with it. Doing this could give her some space to feel better about her choices. Good relationships are about respecting each other. By setting limits with her parents, she can show she wants respect and freedom in the relationship. Jeremy's worried that her parents might stop helping with her education if she stands up for herself, and that's a really big concern. But setting limits might help her be more independent and manage her money. If she talks honestly about her limits, her parents might start to understand and respect her choices without stopping their support.
Speaker 1:
When you're talking about setting limits, it's best to be clear and firm. With these long-standing relationships that trigger your codependency, setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging. Codependency often involves unhealthy patterns of enabling, rescuing or prioritizing others' needs over your own. You might be used to always helping out or doing what others want, so when you try to set limits, it might not go down so well. But even though it's hard, it's really important to set these boundaries for your own happiness and for the relationship to be healthy. At first it might be tough, but it'll get easier with time. You might need some help from a therapist or a support group, but slowly saying what you need will help make things better in these tricky relationships.
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Using wishy-washy language when you're setting boundaries can cause a lot of problems, so people might not take your boundaries seriously if you're not clear, thinking that they're up for debate or just not important. If your boundaries aren't clear and you're feeling like they're being ignored, you can start to feel annoyed or disrespected. Unclear language can confuse both you and the other person, leading to misunderstandings or arguments. It can also make you doubt yourself and feel less sure about speaking up for what you need. When you're setting boundaries, it's important to be clear and confident with your words. It can help in a lot of ways. Clear words mean that there's no confusion about what you're saying. Everyone needs to know what's expected and what's off limits. Being confident and firm shows that you mean what you say. Unclear words can make you seem unsure or easy to persuade, which makes it harder to stick to your boundaries later on.
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There's different levels of boundary setting. So in medicine we want to give patients the lowest dose of a medication that's needed to achieve what we want. So if someone's doing well on a 10 milligram dose of cholesterol medication, then we wouldn't prescribe 80 milligrams. The same goes with setting boundaries. You might want to start with a kinder boundary, but still using firm and clear language rather than coming out hard out of the gate. But still using firm and clear language rather than coming out hard out of the gate you may not want to start with.
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From now on, I refuse to engage in any conversation with you about my personal life, including my career, relationships or lifestyle choices. If you continue to criticize or interfere with my decisions, I'll have to cut off all contact with you indefinitely. So for the first time that you set a boundary, you could even assume that the other person is well-intentioned and you may not need to give a consequence just yet. It's up to you on how you want to handle that. But if the other person is pushing back or not respecting your decision. Then you can bring your boundary to the next level and let the other person know how you plan to protect yourself if that boundary is not respected. So here are some examples of clear wording that Jamie could use to set boundaries with her parents.
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I appreciate your concern, but I love theater. It's my passion. I'd prefer not to discuss my career choice further unless it's a supportive conversation. My partner means a lot to me and I'm happy with us. I like us to respect each other's choices and partners and keep it positive when talking about my relationship. I understand that we may have different perspectives on lifestyle choices, but I'm okay with my choices. I'd appreciate it if we skip the criticism and respect how I choose to live my life. I appreciate your help, but I need some space to do things myself and learn from my mistakes. I'd like us to trust each other more and be able to manage our own lives. I know you're helping me out financially and I'm thankful for that. I hope we can find a way to communicate and understand each other without threatening to withdraw financial support. I'm an adult now and I need to learn by doing things myself. Can you trust me to figure things out? Step three maintaining boundaries.
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Maintaining boundaries can be tough for many reasons. One big reason is the fear of conflict or rejection, especially if setting boundaries causes tension or leads to pushback from the other person. You might also feel guilty or obligated, especially with close or long-term relationships. Past experiences where your boundaries were ignored or patterns of codependency can make it hard to keep setting boundaries in the future. Plus, societal and cultural norms might discourage you to assert yourself or put other people's needs ahead of your own. Ultimately, keeping boundaries takes self-awareness, assertiveness and a willingness to put your own well-being first, even when that's hard.
Speaker 1:
If Jamie's parents aren't respecting her boundaries, she can take her boundaries a little further. First, she can calmly restate her boundaries and explain why they're important for her well-being and the relationship. She might say it's really important for me that my boundaries are respected. We might see things differently, but respecting my choices is crucial for a relationship. If they still ignore her boundaries, jamie can explain the consequences. For example, she might say I've made my needs clear and it hurts that they're not being respected. If this continues, I'll need to take a step back from our interactions to prioritize my well-being. Jamie could also involve a neutral third party. Like a therapist she can suggest. I think seeing a therapist together might help us navigate this and respect each other's needs.
Speaker 1:
If her parents persist, then Jamie might need to set stricter limits or cut off contact entirely. She could say our interactions are negatively impacting my well-being. For my health, I need to take a break from a relationship until I'm ready to engage again. Her parents need to accept that Jamie needs to feel emotionally safe. If they can't, then Jamie has to decide how she's going to handle the relationship, even if it means ending it. If you continue to allow people to disrespect your boundaries, this will lead to resentment and stress. So now that we've reviewed the three steps to setting boundaries, I'll go through other examples so that you have an idea of the language that you can use and examples of different boundaries that you can set. So James has bought himself a house with his new young family to live in. The deposit was more than it was expected to be, so his parents loaned him some money. Now his parents feel like they can drop by anytime they want without warning and have made jokes that the house is partially theirs. They make comments about how he's spending his money and that if he can afford to buy certain things, then he can afford to pay them back.
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Borrowing money can really stress out relationships. While getting help from family or friends can be a really nice quick fix, it can also cause problems. So if you're going to borrow money from someone that you know, it's important to have clear communication, set boundaries and to show mutual respect before you borrow the money. Well, step one recognize that you need to set a boundary. The person lending the money might feel like they can control how you spend or live your life because they helped you out. This can create a power imbalance. Lenders might expect that the money be used or repaid in a certain way, which might not match your plans. This is something that should be discussed before any money changes hands and you, as the borrower, you might feel that your freedom is being compromised if you're constantly under the lender's watch. This can strain your relationship and cause resentment or conflict.
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Step two setting the boundary. So I'm going to go through two different examples, so one before you borrow the money. The other situation is going to be if you've already borrowed the money. Now, you're stuck in this situation. So, before borrowing the money, you could set the following boundaries let's agree on a repayment plan that works for both of us.
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Before I accept the loan, I want to make sure that we both know how and when I'm going to pay you back. Thanks for offering to lend me money. Before I accept, let's talk about how I'll use it so that we avoid any misunderstandings. I appreciate your help, but I want to keep my financial independence, so let's agree on how involved you're going to be in my financial decisions. I value your advice, but let's agree on not giving unsolicited advice about my finances or lifestyle. I want our interactions to stay positive and respectful. If the money's already been borrowed and you need to set boundaries, you can say something like thanks for helping me out, but the money you lent me doesn't give you control over my finances.
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I need to make my own decisions about how to manage my money. I get that you're worried, but I need privacy with my finances. I need to make my own decisions about how to manage my money. I get that you're worried, but I need privacy with my finances. I won't be sharing any details about every expense and I expect that you respect that. I appreciate your support, but let's make sure we're both clear on the repayment terms. Let's go over our agreement and make sure that we're both comfortable with it. I need to set a boundary about unexpected visits to my house. While I value our relationship and appreciate your concern, please respect my privacy and give me notice before coming over. Unexpected visits can disrupt my routine and make me uncomfortable. I'd appreciate it if you could respect this boundary from now on.
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Step three maintaining the boundary. I want to revisit our boundaries about financial control and unexpected visits. While I appreciate your support, it's important for me to make my own financial decisions and have privacy at home. Please respect these boundaries going forward. I'm grateful for your financial help, but our relationship needs to stay healthy and respectful. If we can't agree on these boundaries, I might need to find a way to repay the loan or become more financially independent.
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Example three David's a financial analyst who's been working for his company for the last year. He likes his job, but more and more he's been getting tasks that are outside of his job description. He is expected to work long hours without additional pay, including coming in on the weekends. It's taking time away from his family and the hobbies that he used to enjoy. So, step one, the increasing workload and long hours are cutting into his personal time, which is affecting his family life and his hobbies. It can lead to burnout, make him less happy at work, can hurt his physical and mental health and lead to stress and fatigue, and if he keeps being assigned stuff outside of his job description, it's going to prevent him from focusing on his main responsibilities and his professional growth.
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Step two setting firm boundaries. I'm committed to my role as a financial analyst, but I need to set boundaries around my working hours. I'm going to be available during regular office hours and won't work beyond that unless it's an emergency. I'm happy to help the team, but my workload needs to match my job description. I'll focus on tasks related to my role and I'll decline any additional responsibilities that aren't part of it. While I understand occasional overtime, regular weekend work without extra pay isn't sustainable for me. I'll only work overtime if it's compensated or essential for meeting deadlines. I value my time with my family and it's important for me to be present outside of working hours. I won't be available to work tasks during evenings and weekends unless it's an emergency. These examples show how he can assert boundaries over his working hours, his job responsibilities, his availability for overtime and prioritization of his family time. Clear communication and assertiveness are key in setting boundaries effectively while maintaining a professionalism in the workplace, which can be a very tricky balance.
Speaker 1:
Step three maintaining the boundary. Thanks for understanding my need for work-life balance. I've noticed that I've been asked to work extra hours or do tasks not in my job. I'm dedicated to my role, but I need to stick to our agreed boundaries. To do my best, let's stick with these boundaries for a good working relationship. If we need to adjust, let's talk. Thanks for understanding. Keep a record of instances where the employers disregard your boundaries, like working outside of the regular hours or doing duties that are outside of your job description. You can reach out to HR or a higher level manager. If setting the boundary didn't help, you could try to negotiate a compromise that meets both of your needs. Ultimately, if your employer's values don't align with yours and they won't respect your boundaries, then it might be time to find an employer who does value your work while respecting your commitment to the work life balance that you're looking for.
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Example four Jennifer is a single mom with three kids. As they get older and have cell phones so that they can reach each other through the day, she notices that she's unable to have conversations with her kids without them taking their eyes off their phones, and dinner is now spent with them scrolling through their phones. Boundaries for the sometimes frustrated parents of teenagers can be hey, I'd like to agree on times every day when we ditch our phones and hang out together, like during meals or family time. It'll help us bond without getting distracted. How about we pick spots in the house, like the dining room or living room, where we don't use our phones? That way we can really be present and enjoy each other's company when we're together in those areas. When we're talking, can we try to give each other our full attention by putting our phones down and looking at each other? It'll make our conversations better if there's no distractions. At meals, let's make a rule to keep our phones away so that we can enjoy our food and chat without interruptions. It'll be a nice break from our screens and help us connect more.
Speaker 1:
Setting boundaries takes a lot of courage and it can be hard to do, but prioritizing your needs is crucial. It fosters respect, healthier dynamics, reduces conflicts and misunderstandings. Setting boundaries is like setting up a fence around your beautiful garden. The garden needs careful tending and nourishing to flourish. Prioritizing your needs is like watering your plants and pulling out the weeds Once your garden is healthy, and only then can you help your neighbor with their garden. If people want to come through the fence into the garden, they'll need to be careful not to trample the roses or crush the tomatoes. You'll need to tell them the rules so that they know where to step. If they insist on plowing through with their muddy boots or tell you that you can't tend to your garden, then it's up to you to ask them to behave or to leave.
Speaker 1:
So self-reflection homework for the week. Take a moment to think about a recent situation where you felt uncomfortable, disrespected or overwhelmed. Do you think that this might be a sign that a boundary can be set? How do you think you might word that boundary? Try setting a boundary this week. Start with something small that might just be a boundary that you set for yourself, something like I'm going to turn off my phone notifications after 9pm so I can have uninterrupted time with my family or just some time to myself. I'll set 30 minutes aside each morning to enjoy a cup of coffee or meditate in peace before starting my day. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with yourself.
Speaker 1:
I will meet you here next week for another episode of Codependent Doctor. When we talk about self-compassion, take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.