E8 - Self compassion
Welcome to The Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out, or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships, and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctor, and fellow codependent, Dr. Angela Downey. We can do this together.
Hello! Welcome to the 8th episode of The Codependent Doctor. I’m your host Dr. Angela Downey. Today’s episode is on self compassion.
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What is self compassion you may ask?
It's the ability to treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance in times of difficulty and times of failure, just like you would treat a close friend or someone that you really care for. Its being able to cut yourself some slack when things aren’t going your way.
When my son didn’t do well on his exam vs when I failed. (you can already see the difference in the language). I would likely tell him: "Hey buddy, so you didn't ace that test. It happens to all of us! You're still learning, and one test doesn't mean anything other than you didn’t quite understand the concepts. Let's figure out where you got stuck and how we can tackle it next time. You've got this!"
Now, the self-talk version of the same scenario where I failed one of my medical exams: ”Ugh, I can’t believe I failed. It’s only a matter of time before they learn I don’t belong here. How could I mess up like this? Everyone's probably judging me. Ok, look calm, everyone is going to be able to see it on my face. I’m never going to succeed.”
When my friend gets dumped vs when I get dumped:
Me encouraging my friend: "Hey, I know this breakup sucks big time, but you're amazing, and this isn't a reflection of your worth. You're allowed to feel all the feels right now, but just know I've got your back. We'll get through this together, and who knows? Maybe this is just clearing the path for something even better!"
Now, let's flip the script to self-talk mode: "I can't believe this has happened. I must be unlovable. What did I do wrong? What can I do differently for him to like me more next time? I’ll never find someone who truly cares about me. I’m destined to die alone floating on my raft in a sea of misery"
So here's the deal: just like you would give your child words of support and encouragement, or remind our friend that they're worthy of love and happiness, we need to cut ourselves some slack too. Breakups are rough, no doubt about it, but they don't define our worth. It's all about giving ourselves the same compassion and support we'd give to a friend. The tricky part is to recognize that you're doing it and to believe what you’re telling yourself.
Self-compassion is hard for codependents. Self-compassion can be especially tough for codependents, and here's why: Codependency often revolves around putting others' needs before your own, sometimes to the point where you forget about your own well-being. When you're so used to focusing on others and ignoring your own feelings and needs, showing kindness and understanding to yourself can feel foreign or even selfish. It's like you've been programmed to prioritize everyone else's happiness over your own. Plus, codependency often involves feelings of low self-worth or unworthiness, which can make it even harder to treat yourself with the same care and compassion you'd show a friend.
So, while self-compassion is super important for everyone, it can be a real challenge for codependents to practice because it goes against the patterns and beliefs they've been living with for so long.
Growing up with trauma. If you grew up in an environment of trauma and abuse, these can have a profound impact on your self-talk. If you experienced trauma or abuse, especially during childhood, it can shape the way that you view yourself and the world around you. Negative self-talk often becomes deeply ingrained as a result of internalizing the messages received during those traumatic experiences.
As an example, if someone repeatedly told you were worthless or undeserving of love and care, if you were called stupid, a pain in the butt, ugly, fat, a loser. If you were ignored when you got hurt, laughed at, or told that the things you cared about didn’t matter. These messages get ingrained within you and how you perceive your worthiness. So when something negative happens, you automatically berate yourself because that’s all you’ve been taught. This negative self-talk can become a vicious cycle, reinforcing feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness.
Past trauma can also create a heightened state of hypervigilance, where you are constantly on alert for potential threats or danger. This can manifest itself in self-talk as a relentless inner critic, constantly scrutinizing every action or decision and fueling feelings of inadequacy or fear.
How one negative comment changed my life. Sometimes it doesn't even need to be years of trauma that causes you to feel negatively about yourself. It might just be one comment that confirms your worst fear and that is enough for you to latch onto and have it affect your worthiness.
When I was 16, I dated someone for a very short period of time, but of course being a teenager and codependent, you’re highly influenced by the opinions of others. I was caught off guard when he broke up with me and I can’t remember what he said aside from the one line: ‘You can’t be picky about who you date because not many people are going to like you.’ And that was it. I was devastated. That line has stuck with me for decades and changed how I felt about myself as a partner and as a sexual being. It didn’t occur to me to think that maybe he was wrong. That this comment said more about him as a human being than about me.
It didn’t matter how many people told me that I was fun, that I was a good girlfriend, that I was pretty; my mind couldn’t believe them after that comment. It was easier to believe the bad stuff because deep down I believed it.
Flipping it around. So how can we start being kinder to ourselves?
Step 1: Recognizing that there are problems and trying to figure out where these thoughts originated from. Before we can start being kind to ourselves, we gotta acknowledge that something's not quite right. Maybe it's that pesky voice in your head telling you you're not good enough, or that nagging feeling of never measuring up. You need to be like a detective, trying to piece together the puzzle of where those thoughts and feelings are coming from. Once you have an idea or what you need to work on you can start trying to find a solution and treating yourself with the compassion you deserve.
When I did this exercise I cried for days. It really hurt to remember all the horrible stuff people had told me that shaped who I was. A few years ago I heard of inner child work. It’s like giving a big hug to the little you that’s deep inside. It's about connecting with the feelings and experiences you had when you were younger and helping that part of you heal and grow. All those times when you felt scared, lonely, or hurt. Inner child work is about acknowledging those feelings and comforting your inner child, showing them love and understanding. It's like being your own best friend and giving yourself the care and attention you needed back then… but didn’t have the knowhow or the resources to do it back then. By doing this exercise, you can heal old wounds, build self-esteem, and create a stronger, happier you.
So, step one is all about awareness and curiosity—it's the first step on the path to self-compassion. And I want to emphasize that this is about being curious. Don’t use this experience as an opportunity to beat yourself down again. Recognizing the hurtful moment and the hard times is all part of growing and healing.
Step 2: Recognizing those suffering, struggles, and setbacks are universal experiences that all humans encounter at some point in their lives. To quote the poet Alexander Pope: ‘To err is human’.
We all make mistakes, fail at things, or occasionally not show up as our best selves. Whether we are forgetting someone's birthday or messing up at work, it’s just part of life. But here's the thing: you're not alone in this. Seriously, every single person on this planet messes up at some point and that's okay. Making mistakes, failing, and not showing up doesn’t make you a failure or a bad person. It just makes you human.
In the world of social media and the internet, it's hard to see anyone else's mistakes or misgivings. We're all experts at editing our photos and scripts to show only the best versions of ourselves. This can make you feel like you're the only one with flaws or struggles. Take my podcast logo photo, for example. I love it, but to get that perfect shot, I had to take about 100 photos. I finally picked the one where my eye sparkled and I didn't look like I was getting an enema.
I've mostly stayed away from social media because it made me feel inadequate, like everyone else's lives were better than mine. And let's not even get started on the comments—people can be so cruel! They feel safe behind their screens, using their anonymity to bully others, probably to cover up their own insecurities. So, remember, everyone has their struggles, even if they’re hidden behind perfectly curated posts.
When I failed that exam in medical school, I felt terrible. I could have cut myself some slack and told myself that it’s hard going through medical school, working 70-100 hours a week while raising 2 children and trying to study for exams but I didn’t. Because someone else passed the exam and I didn’t.
A few months after failing the exam, another student, whom I barely knew, flat-out asked me if I had failed. I was embarrassed that someone knew, but I decided to be honest and told him I had. He started to get teary and confessed that he had failed too and was struggling with feelings of shame and imposter syndrome. That’s when I truly understood I wasn’t alone.
I spoke to the faculty about starting a mentorship group for students who were failing. It was a chance for them to talk to someone else who had failed so they wouldn’t feel isolated. I wasn’t sure if I was the best person to lead the group, still dealing with my own shame spiral, but the program became a success. The students I helped went on to support others after I was gone. It was incredibly healing for me because I realized that I wasn’t alone; others were struggling with the same feelings of inadequacy and shame.
So, next time you're feeling down about messing up, remember that you're in good company, my friend, and that sometimes by being open about your failures you can be helpful to other people.
Hence the podcast where I spill my guts and share my experiences of failure and recovery hoping that my awkward tales can help someone else feel a little less alone.
Step 3: Mindfulness. This involves holding your painful thoughts and emotions in balanced awareness, rather than over-identifying with them or suppressing them. It allows you to look at your thoughts and feelings from afar, like you're an observer who analyzes them out of curiosity. It allows you to recognize when you are being harsh or critical toward ourselves and creates a safe space where you can be yourself with the same care and compassion that we would offer to a friend.
Sitting with these painful emotions can be difficult but it’s really important to sit with it without getting caught up in negative spirals of self-judgment or rumination.
Happiness, joy, and gratitude are positive emotions, but feelings like sadness, frustration, and shame are also part of our emotional spectrum. Leading a balanced life means experiencing and acknowledging all emotions, not just the positive ones. Nobody is happy or positive all the time; we're not living in a Stepford.
Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns.
If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of The Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.