E9 - Dating & Codependency
Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out, or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships, and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctor, and fellow codependent doctor, Dr. Angela Downey. We can do this together.
Hello! Welcome to the 9th episode of The Codependent Doctor. I’m your host, Dr. Angela Downey.
Today’s episode is on "Dating & Codependency."
If you have a moment, it would be helpful for you to like, subscribe, or leave a comment so it will be easier for others who might benefit to find me. Don’t forget to follow me so you don’t miss any future episodes. My website is also up and running. There is a quiz there that you can take to see if you might be codependent. It’s at www.thecodependentdoctor.com.
It’s very exciting for me today as I get to read the first episode request from a fan. I really appreciate the support and for writing in.
I received a letter from Kathryn who is asking about dating when you’re codependent.
The letter reads:
"Hi Dr. Downey, big fan here! Been listening since day one and I’ve learned so much from it already!! (That’s awesome Kathryn) I’m just writing about a couple of topic requests: codependency + dating: how do I date someone while knowing I’m codependent without getting super clingy or being really guarded? How do I balance this?"
I love your questions; they’re short and to the point. You sound like a lot of fun so I’m going to try and keep this episode a little lighter because let's face it, dating and meeting new people should be fun.
Dating when you're codependent is like trying to dance the cha-cha while wearing someone else's shoes – awkward and bound to trip you up! You're constantly balancing your own needs with those of your partner, and sometimes it feels like you're walking a tightrope between being too clingy and not caring enough. It’s like balancing a stack of plates where one wrong move and the whole tower will come crashing down.
Let’s start right at the beginning of the relationship and then move through how that relationship will progress if left unchecked.
Picture this: You're on a date with a new person, and instead of enjoying the moment, you're mentally drafting a list of all the ways you can make your partner happy. When they ask you a question, you start thinking, "What’s the best way I can answer this so they’ll like me?"
Meeting someone new is challenging for everyone. You worry about making a good impression, finding common interests, and avoiding awkward silences. Plus, there’s the classic fear of saying something embarrassing. You are trying to figure out if this person is the right match for you, and it’s totally okay if they’re not. It’s all part of the adventure of getting to know someone.
When a codependent meets someone new, they'll often bend over backward to make themselves a good fit for the other person. They'll adjust their interests, opinions, and even behaviors to align with what they think the other person wants. It's like trying to mold yourself into the perfect puzzle piece, even if it means losing your own shape.
On the other hand, someone who isn’t codependent will approach the situation differently. If they realize they're not a good fit with the new person, they'll simply move on. They understand that not every connection is meant to be, and that’s okay. They stay true to themselves and wait for a match that naturally clicks without having to force anything.
Being codependent puts you at greater risk of being in an unhealthy relationship. If you meet someone new and you work hard to be the right fit, adjusting your interests, opinions, and behaviors to match what you think the other person wants, this eagerness to please can put you at higher risk of attracting people who might take advantage of your accommodating nature. This can lead to unhealthy relationships where your needs are consistently overlooked.
Also, codependents tend to gravitate toward other codependents. This can create a dynamic where both partners are overly focused on each other’s needs and neglect their own. I always thought this meant that I had a strong bond with my partner, but it often results in a lack of healthy boundaries and mutual dependence, which makes it hard for either person to grow independently.
The key to not getting into a codependent relationship is by maintaining a strong sense of self and not being afraid to establish healthy boundaries.
Examples of boundaries would be continuing to set aside time every week to do hobbies you like. If you have a group of friends you like doing these hobbies with, you don’t have to have your new partner join. It’s okay to continue doing these activities without your new partner. You also don’t have to do all the activities that your partner does. My daughter does trivia every Monday while her partner hangs out with his Dungeons and Dragons friends. They each have their own activities that they like to do separately, but they always come back to each other and share what they’ve done or learned.
As a codependent, I used to adopt the other person’s life. I would start going to all their activities and spending large parts of my life with them. I would lose myself in their life. I would go to all the Marvel movies even though I didn’t like them and preferred to watch romantic comedies. I stopped inviting my partner to romantic comedies because I didn’t like hearing them sigh or make fun of them. I chose to go alone and resented still going to the Marvel movies even though I wasn’t being forced to go.
Let’s go over some traits of codependency and how they can affect your relationship:
1. Codependents have a tendency to over-prioritize their partner’s needs:
Codependents have this knack for turning their partner's needs into the top priority, sometimes even more important than their own basic necessities. For example, a codependent person is dating someone who loves a particular TV show, but the codependent can't stand it. Instead of suggesting they watch something they both enjoy, the codependent will consistently watch the show they don’t like just to spend time with their partner or hoping that they’ll eventually start liking it. They might go so far as to binge-watch every episode and memorize plot details just to discuss it with their partner.
Or if your partner offhandedly mentions wanting to try a new hobby, like rock climbing, a codependent might sign up for climbing classes, buy all the gear, and schedule weekend trips to the nearest mountains just to make their partner happy. And they might do this even if they are afraid of heights. They end up bending over backward to make their partner happy, often forgetting to take care of themselves in the process. It's like being a personal assistant on overdrive but without the paycheck!
2. Codependents have a hard time setting boundaries:
Setting boundaries can be really tough, like climbing Mount Everest with a backpack full of fears and insecurities and trying to avoid all sorts of obstacles. Codependents have been conditioned to believe that putting their own needs first is selfish, but setting boundaries is not selfish; it's an act of self-care and self-respect. By setting boundaries, you're defining what you need to feel safe, respected, and valued in a relationship. It helps maintain a healthy relationship by ensuring that both parties' needs are acknowledged and respected. If you grew up with an abusive or narcissistic parent, setting boundaries can feel like trying to speak a language you've never learned or seen before. You probably grew up in a household where boundaries were nonexistent, and your life revolved around this one person. Every time you tried to move out of their orbit, you were drawn back by guilt and manipulation techniques, and because you were a child, you likely felt safer being in an environment that you were familiar with so you returned. Undoing these beliefs that setting boundaries and prioritizing yourself was selfish will take time, and a counselor can help you with this if you are struggling with doing it alone.
3. Codependents have a fear of rejection:
The fear of being rejected or abandoned can seep into every aspect of your relationship, making you cling tighter to your partner out of fear of being left alone. This can feel overwhelming for you and your partner. And the more you feel like you’re being rejected or pushed away, the harder you will work to hang on to your partner or be injected into their life. As your partner feels more and more suffocated the more they will push you away. It’s a vicious cycle that ends with both parties being unhappy.
What can you do about this? You can acknowledge that fear of rejection is a natural part of being human, but it doesn't have to control your life. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that rejection or fear is not the end of the world. When fear creeps in, challenge those negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Remind yourself of your worth and that rejection doesn't define your value as a person. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during moments of fear or insecurity. Remember that it's okay to feel vulnerable, and you're not alone in your struggles. Share your fears and insecurities with your partner in a safe and supportive environment. Open communication can help build trust and strengthen your bond. Don't hesitate to reach out for support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Having a support system can provide comfort and perspective during challenging times.
4. Codependents might have a constant need for validation:
Codependents often seek validation from external sources to affirm their self-worth and identity. This need for validation can manifest in various ways:
- Posting a photo on social media and anxiously checking for likes and comments to feel validated and accepted by others.
- Constantly seeking praise and recognition from colleagues or supervisors for your accomplishments to feel valued.
- Dressing up or seeking approval from others on your outfit or appearance to feel attractive or accepted.
- Seeking reassurance and approval from your partner about your worth or desirability to feel loved and validated.
These behaviors stem from a deep-seated insecurity and reliance on others' opinions to validate their own sense of worth. Codependents may doubt their choices and decisions, often turning to others for validation before taking action. For example, Googling "Should I divorce my husband" reflects a struggle to trust one's own judgment without seeking external validation.
Overcoming this constant need for validation involves cultivating self-confidence and self-esteem from within. It's about learning to validate oneself rather than relying on others' approval to feel valued and worthy.
Your self-reflection homework for this week:
- Reflect on your own behaviors, thoughts, and emotions in the relationship. Are you constantly prioritizing your partner's needs over your own?
- Evaluate how you communicate with your partner. Are you able to express your needs and desires openly and assertively? Do you often avoid conflict or suppress your feelings to maintain harmony?
- Examine the extent to which your mood and self-worth are influenced by your partner's actions and emotions. Do you feel responsible for your partner's happiness or well-being? How does their mood impact your own emotional state?
- Are you able to set and maintain boundaries in the relationship? Are you comfortable saying "no" when necessary? Do you feel guilty or anxious when asserting your own needs?
- Are you experiencing feelings of resentment, frustration, or burnout in the relationship? What do you think might be causing this?
- Identify areas where you would like to see change or improvement in the relationship. What boundaries do you need to establish or reinforce? What steps can you take to prioritize your own needs and cultivate a healthier dynamic?
I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life: yourself. I will meet you here next week for another episode of The Codependent Doctor when we talk about lying.
Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns.
If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.