Lying

Ever wondered how often you lie and what it does to your life and relationships? In this episode, Dr. Angela Downey breaks down why everyone lies, how different types of lies affect relationships, and the tricky ethics of honesty, especially in codependent dynamics. By getting a handle on these points, listeners can reflect on their own honesty and aim for more genuine connections.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out, or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships, and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self.

I'm your host, a family doctor, and fellow codependent doctor, Dr. Angela Downey. We can do this together.

Hello, hello, hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the 10th edition of the 10th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, Doctor Angela Downey, and I'm a liar. I lie all the time, and I suspect that you do too.

So for today's episode, I would like to focus on lying. If you have a moment, it would be helpful if you could like and subscribe to the podcast or leave a comment so it will be easier for others who might benefit to find me. Don't forget to follow me so you don't miss any future episodes.

My website is up and running now. There's a quiz there that you can take to see if you might be codependent. It's at www.thecodependentdoctor.com.

I would also like to encourage you to send me questions that I would also like to encourage you to send me questions that you would like to have addressed on the show. All these links can be found in the show notes. So let's get back to me being a liar.

I'm sure you're looking forward to me trying to explain myself out of that comment. I am a liar, and I think that we all lie from time to time. We might justify our lying and say that we're doing it for good reason, but it doesn't change the fact that we have lied.

There's been years of ethical debates over lies, which lies are okay and which ones aren't. From a very young age, we learn about lying, sometimes inadvertently through various everyday experiences or directly when a parent tells a child to lie. Children pick up on subtle cues, like when adults tell them little white lies to avoid uncomfortable situations or to protect someone else's feelings.

A parent might tell a child, don't tell dad that we went to McDonald's or if Aunt Maggie asks you to. If Aunt Maggie asks you if you like her tuna casserole, please make sure that you say yes. Or suggesting to the child that they lie to grandma about dropping her favorite vase.

Children also learn about lying when they see conflicts where adults might distort the truth or to resolve disagreements. Children might learn and explore lying as they learn to navigate complex social interactions and test different boundaries. They might lie to avoid punishment, to gain attention, or manipulate situations to their advantage.

They might lie about finishing their homework, to avoid getting in trouble with their parents, or so they'll be allowed more media time. And these early experiences with lying can shape their understanding of honesty and potentially influence their future behaviors. These behaviors continue to evolve as kids grow.

These behaviors continue to evolve as kids grow. Codependents might lie because they're afraid of losing the approval of others or causing conflict. They might think that telling the truth could upset someone or lead to rejection.

So they lie because it keeps things running smoothly. Think of it like putting a bandaid on a problem instead of facing it face on. They may also feel responsible for other people's feelings, so they lie to protect the other person or themselves from any kind of discomfort.

It's a way of trying to maintain control in a situation that feels out of their hands. I remember I had gone to a counseling session one day, and I didn't want anyone to know. Not that there's anything wrong with counseling, but I wasn't ready to talk about what was bothering me.

My friend Jen asked me where I had gone, and I made up an excuse. I remember feeling so anxious and trapped, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to tell her the truth, but I didn't have the courage to tell her that.

It was none of her business either. I was really unprepared with how to handle the situation. In truth, it wasn't any.

In truth, it wasn't any of her business. People don't need to know where you are all the time. But I was incapable of saying something like that because it seemed disrespectful and I didn't always respect my need for autonomy.

So instead of telling her where I had gone and to avoid saying something rude, I told her a lie. I told her I had gone grocery shopping.

So when she called later that evening and I was grocery shopping, I was caught again. I panicked. Where should I tell her that I'm at now? Can I say that I'm at the grocery store again? Maybe I forgot something.

Do I make up something else? The lie just got bigger and bigger. And all because I didn't recognize that I had a right to my own space that others didn't need to know about. She wasn't asking me to be.

She wasn't asking me to. She wasn't being. She wasn't asking to be mean or controlling.

She didn't do anything wrong in asking. But it's up to me to protect that space. And I need to learn how to do it with better communication rather than lying.

And then one day, Jen did call me a liar. And I was totally busted. I was devastated and I felt so ashamed.

I was a liar. I had lied, but I lied mostly for self preservation reasons. Does that make it okay? Why couldn't I've had these conversations with people where I said what I needed to say without feeling terrible.

Why did I feel the need to come up with a concrete answer when I could have said something like, I went out for a bit. I just needed some time to myself. The end.

I could have been much kinder to myself and to Jen right from the get go. I'll say that line again. I went out for a bit.

I needed time for myself. It's a simple answer and it would have saved me so much anxiety. And it would have saved me from needing to hide the truth.

Not to mention the shame I felt when I was found out or the hurt and distrust that she would have experienced. Now you can see that this can also break down. You can see how lying can easily break down your relationships.

So now let's explore lying a little more. Lying is the act of intentionally providing false or misleading information to deceive another person. It can take various forms and serves different purposes, from protecting yourself or others to achieving personal gain.

There are different types of lies. There are white lies. These are usually harmless or trivial.

We often use these to avoid hurting other people. We often use these to avoid hurting other people's feelings. Lies such as dinner tasted great or your new haircut looks amazing, I barely recognized you or the classic I'm not ignoring you, I just didn't see your message until now. Exaggerations are when we stretch the truth to make something seem more impressive than it really is.

I totally aced that exam. It was a reason I hardly needed to study. I nailed that presentation.

Everyone was hanging on my every word. Or I caught the biggest trout ever. He must have been at least 70 inches.

Maybe it was. I don't know. Maybe it was the biggest fish.

Maybe it was the biggest fish. Or you did give that presentation that everyone hung on every word. I'll never know for sure.

So people feel comfortable stretching the truth. Deceptive omissions are when we leave out critical information to make something seem different from how it really is. You're only giving people part of the story while keeping the rest hidden.

Like when you're selling your car. But you don't mention that the back door lock doesn't always work. Or that the engine light has come on a few times.

Or you tell your friend that you're going to chill out at home this weekend and you leave out that part where you're going to a big party or a concert on Saturday night that your friend wasn't invited to. Fabrications are completely made up stories. It's when you create a story out of thin air instead of telling the truth.

Like you tell your teacher that your dog ate your homework or you're late for a meeting, and you tell a story about being stuck in traffic instead of admitting that you slept in. Sure, traffic jams happen, and you likely did encounter one red light or two, or maybe three. But in this case, you're stretching the truth to cover up what really happened.

Blatant lies are big and obvious truths that are easy, that are easy to spot. The kind of lies that make you stop and think, wait a minute, that doesn't sound right. It's like telling someone that you're a famous singer, or that you're related to that famous celebrity, or that you have a pet unicorn at home.

Blatant lies. They differ from fabrications, in that blatant lies are like saying something that's clearly not true, while a fabrication is more about making up a story. For example, if you tell someone that you have a pet unicorn, that's a blatant lie because unicorns aren't real.

But if you tell someone a detailed story about how you ride your pet unicorn to school, complete with a bunch of made up details about its color or its favorites, foods that it likes to eat, that's a fabrication because you're inventing a whole scenario. So while both involve not telling the truth, a blatant lie is more direct and simple, whereas a fabrication is usually a little bit more, a little more elaborate, and it involves creating a false reality. So do you still think you're not a liar? Most people tell lies at some point in their lives, whether you're old or young, or whether the lie is big or small.

Not everyone lies all the time, and some people do make a conscious effort to be more honest. For the most part, being truthful can build trust and strengthen relationships. But it's also important to consider the feelings and the well being of others when deciding whether or not to lie or to tell the truth.

People lie for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it's to avoid getting into trouble or to protect someone's feelings. Like when your friend asks you if you like their new haircut and you're not a fan, but you're still going to say something like, it looks great anyway.

Other times, people lie to make themselves look better, like when someone says they've done something impressive, even though they haven't. People lie to keep things private or to avoid awkward situations. We tell lies because we want to be in control of how people see us or how they feel about us.

It's like trying to paint a picture of ourselves that we think others will approve of. Let's say you messed up on a work project and instead of admitting it, you tell your friends that you nailed it. You're trying to control the other person's perception of you and trying to make yourself look smarter or more successful than you really are.

Or maybe you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so you pretend to like something even though you don't. It's all about managing the way that other people are perceiving you or how they feel about certain situations. In a relationship with an alcoholic or abusive partner, a codependent's lying could be a way for them to maintain control over a relationship or a situation, often at their own expense.

Someone might constantly cover up for their partner's mistakes or their unhealthy behaviors because they're afraid of rocking the boat or being abandoned. They might lie to themselves and others about how serious the situation really is, trying to keep things together or to avoid conflict. It's tough because it means that they're sacrificing their own honesty and their own needs.

They end up living in a never ending cycle of anxiety, uncertainty, and needing to maintain these lies. Imagine a codependent child with a codependent parent. The child might learn to lie as a way to navigate the complex relationship with their parents.

Lying makes living easier for them. So, as an example, if a parent constantly relies on their child for emotional support or validation, the child might feel pressured to always say that everything is okay, even when it's not. So they might lie about how they're feeling or what's going on in their life to avoid upsetting that parent or triggering their own feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

It's like they're walking on eggshells all the time, trying to keep that parent happy and to maintain that really fragile balance in the relationship. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, a codependent might use lying as a survival tactic. The narcissistic parent often demands constant admiration and validation, and any criticism or disagreement is met with some form of hostility or manipulation.

Everything's about them, and their child is a reflection of them. So the codependent child might lie about their achievements or their successes so that they can meet their parents' unrealistic expectations or to gain their approval. They might withhold their true thoughts and feelings just to maintain that illusion of harmony within the family.

We all have reasons for lying, and our intentions aren't always bad. We lie to avoid punishment or negative consequences, to gain admiration, to escape uncomfortable situations, or to shield others from harm, sadness, or distress. But what if our intentions are bad? Some people use lying to manipulate others.

If someone wants something from you but they know you're not going to do it, if they ask you straight up, they might start spinning a web of lies just to manipulate you into doing what they want. Maybe they'll tell you a sob story to make you feel sorry for them, or they'll paint a picture of how great things will be if you just do what they say. It's like they're pulling all the strings behind the scenes.

They're using deceit to get their way. Let's say you want to borrow money from your coworker, but you know that they're cautious about lending money. Instead of being honest about your financial situation or your intentions, you make up a whole story about needing the money urgently for some family emergency.

You play up the urgency in desperation, hoping to guilt trip your coworker into giving you the money, when in reality there might not be a family emergency at all, or you're just wanting the new iPhone model. People lie to various degrees. Some people feel like it's okay to tell small lies to protect the other person or to protect themselves, while others live their whole lives in a lie.

Some people tell their family that they're going to university full time, but they're actually playing video games all day, whereas some people are having affairs and have a whole second life apart from their current family life. Interestingly, the more you lie, the better you get at lying. This happens because practice makes it easier to tell convincing stories.

It helps you to control your body language and to keep your emotions in check. You get used to remembering your lies and making them sound more consistent. However, my goal for this podcast definitely is not to get you better at lying.

I do think that practice makes perfect, but you'll need to find a different podcast if you're looking to improve your lying skills. But I can tell you that even if someone becomes a skilled liar, there are still ways to spot a lie. As an example, liars might act nervously.

They might fidget, avoid eye contact, or have unusual body language. They might give too many details or contradict themselves. Their stories can seem rehearsed or to not make sense, so watching for inconsistencies between what they say and what you know to be true can also be helpful.

There's also technology like lie detectors that can sometimes catch lies by measuring any physical signs of stress, though they're not always reliable either. I'm a terrible liar. No matter how hard I try to fabricate stories or to bend the truth, my friends and my family can usually see right through me.

My face flushes and my voice wavers. I come up with these elaborate stories that go on and on and on, and I can't seem to stop talking as I dive deeper into my pool of deception. On the flip side, my gullibility is equally notorious.

I often fall for pranks and tall tales, much to the delight of my children, who seem to enjoy watching my face when they realize that they've got me once again. I've learned to embrace my quirkiness, and while I might not be the best at deceiving others or figuring out when I've been fooled, I'm coming to appreciate the simplicity and the authenticity that comes with being genuine. It keeps me grounded in a world where honesty is undervalued.

Lying can have a huge impact on your relationships. It undermines the trust that connects people together. Imagine trust as a delicate thread that holds people together.

When you lie even about the small things, that thread starts to fray. That person that you lie to will begin to question your honesty in other areas as well. This doubt breeds insecurity and makes it difficult to communicate openly and honestly.

That thread that is now frayed and in tatters will break, and you'll be left alone holding a bunch of limp threads. When you once had a strong connection over time, the weight of all the lies can create a big chasm between people. Every time you lie, you are adding another barrier to any kind of genuine or meaningful connection that you once had.

And think of all the anxiety that comes with keeping track of the lies, the constant worry of being found out, and the effort that it takes to remember and maintain all of those lies. You're constantly needing more lies to keep up with the other lies that are happening. This stress can be overwhelming and can lead to further emotional distance from the other person, and it causes you emotional distress as well.

Keep in mind that most of these lies will eventually come up to the surface, and it will cause feelings of betrayal and hurt. The person who discovers the lie might feel deceived or disrespected. They will likely question the integrity or the value of the relationship.

This betrayal is not easy to overcome, and the trust is not likely to return to what it was before. The baseline for trust will now be lowered. It will leave scars and hurts that will linger and percolate just under the surface for all future interactions.

So in essence, lying will disrupt the mutual respect and the reliability that relationships need to thrive. It can cause lasting damage, making it hard to rebuild trust and to restore that connection. So while a lie might seem like a quick fix or an easy way out, it can often lead to more significant problems down the road.

In the end, honesty is the best policy, even when it's difficult. I do want to reiterate on how the situation changes when you're caught up in an abusive or an unsafe situation. These cases lying can become a necessary tool for self preservation.

For someone trapped in an abusive environment, telling the truth can sometimes escalate violence or control, and it could put you at greater risk. Here, lies might be used strategically to avoid confrontation, to protect yourself from immediate danger, or to create an opportunity to get help and to escape. In these cases, lying literally becomes a survival mechanism.

It's a way to navigate the dangerous power imbalances and to ensure your safety until a more permanent solution can be found. It's crucial to understand that in these contexts, the morality of lying takes on a different shade altogether. The priority now shifts to safeguarding your own physical and emotional well being.

If you're finding yourself needing to lie just to keep yourself safe, then it's really important to talk to someone who can help you. So let's talk about the ethics of lying, which is a big debate about whether lying is right or wrong. Some people think that lying is always bad because it breaks trust and honesty, which are really important in our relationships in society.

These are the types of people who argue that even small lies can lead to bigger problems and make it harder for people to trust each other. On the other hand, some people think that lying can sometimes be okay and even necessary, like if you're lying to protect someone from hurt or from harm, it might seem like lying might be the right thing to do in these situations. These debates often come down to the situation and the intention behind the lie.

Is the lie there meant to help someone, or is it just to protect yourself or to gain something unfairly? These questions make it hard to decide if lying is always bad or if there are times when it can be justified. In the end, the ethics of lying depend on your values and your beliefs about honesty, trust, and the impact of your actions on other people. So it's a tricky topic with no one size fits all answer.

And ultimately people are going to have different opinions based on their experiences and what they think is most important. So think of lying as the equivalent of building a house on a shaky foundation. At first, the house might look perfect and no one notices the unstable ground beneath it.

You think it's holding everything up just fine, and potentially the house could stand for a long time. But over time, that foundation will start to crack and crumble. Leaks are going to start showing up in the basement that become harder and harder to hide.

Small lies start adding up, creating more and more instability. Eventually the entire structure becomes unsafe and it's at risk of collapsing. This is how lying affects your relationship.

Each lie weakens the trust and the stability. And before long, what seemed like a solid relationship is now full of cracks and has a stinky basement, and it is ready to fall apart. So before you lie, think twice.

Consider if you really want to build your relationship on a shaky and cracked foundation. You might find that it's just not worth it. Here are some self reflection exercises for the week.

Take a few minutes each evening to reflect on your interactions throughout the day. Ask yourself if you are completely honest in your conversations and your actions. Consider any instances where you felt tempted to lie or where you did lie.

Why did you make that choice? How did choosing the lie affect your relationship or your own feelings? Challenge yourself to be completely honest for one day. What types of lies did you need to avoid? How did you feel about being honest? I think I would still struggle to tell my mom that her chicken is dry, but I'll see if I have the guts to say it and I might still decide that in this type of situation, it was okay to lie. Who knows? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself.

I will meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor where I would like to try something different and I think I'm going to try exploring a book that I read and that I loved. It's called “Real Self Care” by Pooja Lakshman. So that's what I'm going to do next week.

If you are wanting to read the book prior to the episode, that might be helpful. Take care for now.

Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns.

If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.