Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out, or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships, and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self.
I'm your host, a family doctor, and fellow codependent, Dr. Angela Downey. We can do this together.
Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 13th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, Doctor Angela Downey and I am codependent. Today's episode we're going to focus on gossiping.
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The gossiping did you hear about John from accounting? I heard he got a warning from HR for coming in late all the time. I bet he's in trouble and might even get fired soon. I heard that Jamie and Karen got into a big fight.
I think that Karen was being flirty with someone else at the party last weekend. I wonder if they're going to break up soon. Gossiping is when we talk about someone who isn't around, usually sharing personal or private details about their life.
We might spread rumors or talk about someone's behavior, looks, or relationships. It might seem harmless or even entertaining at times, but gossip can often lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It can break trust and create tension between friends or within a group.
Think about how it feels when people are talking about you behind your back. It sucks. It makes me cringe when I think about people talking behind my back.
When someone tells me that they were talking about me to someone else, I immediately feel uncomfortable and my mind starts spinning. What did they say? Why did they feel the need to talk about me when I wasn't there? Tell me. Tell me everything.
I'm checking to see if there's any reason that I should be feeling betrayed by that person. Were there any negative comments made about me that would make me feel judged or rejected by others? Should I be angry? Should I feel judged? This uncertainty makes me feel anxious and very vulnerable. I end up ruminating about it and wonder what I did that was so worthy of their attention.
I make the assumption that whatever they said was likely bad and that it's going to reconfirm all my fears that I'm not good enough, that I must have done something wrong or that people don't like me. Having lower self esteem makes it harder to brush off any negative comments, and so codependents ruminate on what those comments mean about them, whereas a person with a high sense of self worth would recognize that whatever was said didn't define their value as a person and could move on from the situation more quickly. Knowing someone has talked about me when I wasn't around also comes from feeling a sense of loss of control, so gaining more information about what was said might help me regain some of that control over my image or how I'm perceived by others.
Working on your self esteem can help you feel more secure about yourself and less affected by gossip. On the flip side, codependents might be more prone to gossiping about others as well. They may feel insecure and unsure of their own worth, so they look for ways to feel accepted and valued by those around them.
Gossiping can be a quick way to gain attention and approval in social situations. And by sharing information about others, they might feel like they're contributing to the conversation and making themselves more important. This need for validation drives them to talk about others, hoping that it's going to make them seem knowledgeable and more connected.
Our need for control can cause us to gossip more. We often feel the need to manage and influence our surroundings, including the people in our lives. Gossiping can be a way to exert control over social situations.
By spreading information about others, we might feel like we're steering the conversations and influencing how others are perceived. This can give us a sense of power and control over the social dynamics that are around us. We might believe that by knowing and sharing details about others, we can stay on top of the situations and feel more secure.
Gossiping about others can also be a way to divert attention from our own problems and insecurities. It can be uncomfortable and challenging, so we might look for distractions to avoid dealing with them. Gossiping about others provides an easy way to shift focus away from our own lives and issues, and by talking about someone else's problems or behaviors, we can momentarily forget about our own struggles, and this habit allows us to avoid introspection and the discomfort of facing our own personal challenges.
Codependents often struggle with forming healthy, balanced relationships. We often feel lonely or disconnected and crave closer relationships with others. Gossiping can seem like an easy way to bond with people, as sharing secrets or stories about others can create a sense of intimacy and camaraderie.
By engaging in gossip, we feel like we're part of the group and will gain acceptance. This temporary feeling of connection can be comforting, but it's built on negative behavior, and gossiping can ultimately harm relationships and trust, making genuine connections harder to achieve. Fear of rejection is common in codependency.
We often worry about being excluded or not fitting in, so we might use gossip as a way to align ourselves with others and feel accepted by sharing information or rumors we might believe are making ourselves more interesting or valuable. To a group, gossiping can seem like a way to bond with others and ensure that we're part of the conversation, and it reduces the fear of being left out. But this behavior can backfire as it can cause distrust and tension within relationships.
So why do we gossip? Gossip can potentially have positive aspects when it helps build connections, share useful information, and provide emotional support. Gossip can help people bond by sharing common knowledge or experiences about others. It creates a sense of connection and belonging within the group.
People gossip to share and receive information about social dynamics, keeping each other informed about what's happening in their community and social circles. Gossip can be a form of entertainment or relieving boredom. It provides interesting, fun stories that capture attention and spark conversations.
On the flip side, though, gossip can be harmful and hurtful, gossiping can be a way to gain social leverage or influence. And by controlling, shaping, or sharing information, people can influence others perceptions and control social narratives. Talking about others' flaws or misfortunes can make the gossiper feel better about themselves by comparison.
For example, imagine I feel insecure about my life and achievements. Let's say I'm single and it bothers me that I haven't been in a relationship for a while. To boost my self esteem, I start gossiping about my friend's recent breakup, saying things like, did you hear Emily got dumped again? She can never keep a relationship.
So by focusing on my friend's misfortune, I might temporarily feel better about my own situation. Even though my situation hasn't actually changed. I'm still single, but I might feel better about that because someone else is worse off than me.
I'm thinking at least my life isn't as bad as Emily's. This comparison might make me feel superior and more successful, even though it's based on putting someone else down. And while it might give me a momentary boost in self esteem, it's a harmful way to cope with insecurities, and it can be seriously damaging to any relationships that I might have.
Let's talk about the impacts of gossiping. Gossip can lead to hurt feelings and damaged relationships if the information shared is negative or private. Gossip often involves incomplete or inaccurate information, leading to misunderstandings and false assumptions.
If someone finds out they've been gossiped about, it can erode trust and create tension within a group or a relationship. Gossip can perpetuate negative stereotypes and reinforce harmful behaviors by focusing on people's flaws or mistakes. Those who are frequently the subject of gossip might feel isolated or ostracized from the group. I was once having a deep conversation with a close friend of mine and she asked me how much I made for a living.
I don't usually share my salary with people. I come from a very hard working, blue collar family. My parents made sure that we had everything that we needed and we didn't have to worry about having a roof over our heads or we didn't have to worry about where the food was going to come from.
But I didn't have any relatives with an abundance of money, and if they did, they weren't flashy about it. So although people might be curious about how much I make, I don't usually talk about it because I just don't feel comfortable with it. When I get asked about my salary, which is always an awkward question and probably shouldn't have been asked in the first place, I'm usually very vague.
I might say something like, I make enough to support myself or I make enough to live comfortably, but this time I felt I could be open and honest. I told her that I made x amount of dollars because I trusted her. A few months later, I was having dinner out with a group of friends, not her, but somebody else joked around that I should pay the bill because I made x amount of dollars.
I was completely taken aback. I wasn't sure how she knew how much money I made, and the only way that she could have known that specific dollar value was to have talked to my other friend. I felt betrayed.
It takes years to build trust in a relationship, and it takes seconds for that trust to be taken away. And once that trust is broken, it will take twice as long to build up again and it likely won't ever get back to where it was before. So to quote the movie the family man with Nicolas Cage, the bank of Fidelity of trust is a tough creditor.
I was so stunned when she made the comment that I didn't even address the fact that she felt that it was my responsibility to cover the bill just because I made more. I was gobsmacked by the whole situation. So how to manage gossiping? One, you can set boundaries.
One way to do this is by politely redirecting the conversation. When it starts to turn into gossip for example, if someone starts talking about a colleague's personal life, you can say, I prefer not to discuss others when they are not here. Let's talk about something else.
This shows your stance without being confrontational. Another approach is to be honest about your feelings. You can say, I feel uncomfortable talking about this person without them present.
If all else fails, it's okay to excuse yourself from the conversation. You can say, I've got to go now and just walk away. Two, you can work on your self esteem.
When you have high self esteem, you don't need to put others down to feel better about yourself. Instead, you recognize your own worth and don't rely on gossip to gain approval or attention from others. With a strong sense of self, you're less likely to engage in negative conversations about others and more likely to focus on positive and meaningful interactions.
Three, promote positivity. Promoting positivity is a great way to steer clear of gossip and to create a more uplifting environment. One effective way to do this is by focusing on the good things about people and situations.
So as an example, if a conversation starts veering towards gossip, you can shift it by saying something like, did you hear about Sarah's recent accomplishment? It's really inspiring. This redirects the focus to something positive and encourages others to join in with more positive remarks. Another approach is to share uplifting stories or events happening in your life or in your community, which can naturally lead the conversation away from negative topics.
Complimenting others and expressing gratitude also helps to set a positive tone. By consistently bringing positivity into conversations, you help build a more supportive and friendly atmosphere, and this reduces the tendency to gossip. Four, addressing gossip directly is important to create a positive environment.
If you hear someone gossiping, it's okay to approach them and politely but firmly ask them to stop. You can say something like, I don't think it's fair to talk about others when they're not here to defend themselves. A long time ago, my brother stopped me in my tracks when I was gossiping.
He just said, I don't like to gossip. It's not fair to the other person. I wasn't sure what to say, but it was very effective and I never gossiped to him again.
And I can sometimes hear his voice when I start to gossip. It's such a simple sentence, but as a codependent and a people pleaser, I find it difficult to say things that are straightforward like that because I don't want to rock the boat. But that leads eventually to me feeling uncomfortable in the future.
When I have to keep listening to these negative things about others that I don't want to hear about, it's clear that gossiping can have profound negative effects on people and relationships. While it might seem like harmless chatter, the repercussions can be significant, leading to hurt feelings, mistrust and damaged connections. It's crucial to recognize the reasons why we might feel compelled to gossip, like seeking validation, control, or distraction from our own insecurities.
By understanding these motives, we can work towards healthier ways of interacting and building our self esteem. Ultimately, by being mindful of our actions and working to build each other up, we can reduce the harmful effects of gossip and create stronger, more trusting relationships. We should aim to be more compassionate and considerate in our conversations in order for our interactions to leave others feeling valued and respected.
Here are some self reflection exercises for the week. If you're wanting to do some journaling, describe a recent instance where you were involved in gossip. What was the situation and how did it unfold? How did you feel during and after the gossiping? What were your reasons for participating in the gossip? Were you seeking validation, control, or simply trying to fit in? How do you think the gossip affected the person who was being talked about, even if they might not be aware of it? How did it affect your relationship with the person you were gossiping with? Did it create a sense of closeness or distance? Have you ever been the subject of gossip? How did it make you feel? What steps can you take to reduce your involvement in gossip? What boundaries can you set for yourself? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself.
I will meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor when I will talk about minding your own business. Take care for now.
Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns.
If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.
