In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' Madeline discusses the significance of self-worth and high standards in relationships. She shares insights from her spiritual work, emphasizing the importance of not settling and recognizing when to let go of unfulfilling relationships. Madeline explains the role of the primal and limbic brain in relationship patterns, the impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships, and the necessity of deep work like meditation and shadow work for reprogramming subconscious beliefs. She highlights the power of self-soothing, the benefits of maintaining strong friendships, and the value of aligning romantic relationships with the quality of platonic ones. To wrap up, she encourages enjoying the dating journey while waiting for the right partner to come along. The episode also touches on various tools for self-care, such as journaling, yoga, and flower essences.
Chapter Markers 00:00 Introduction: Stand in Your Worth
In this episode of 'Becoming Sunshine,' Madeline discusses the significance of self-worth and high standards in relationships. She shares insights from her spiritual work, emphasizing the importance of not settling and recognizing when to let go of unfulfilling relationships. Madeline explains the role of the primal and limbic brain in relationship patterns, the impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships, and the necessity of deep work like meditation and shadow work for reprogramming subconscious beliefs. She highlights the power of self-soothing, the benefits of maintaining strong friendships, and the value of aligning romantic relationships with the quality of platonic ones. To wrap up, she encourages enjoying the dating journey while waiting for the right partner to come along. The episode also touches on various tools for self-care, such as journaling, yoga, and flower essences.
Chapter Markers 00:00 Introduction: Stand in Your Worth
The only way men are going to learn is if we teach them. So stand in your worth, don't settle, and don't put up with bullshit because you don't need to because he's on the way and the one for you is on the way and whenever you are dating, just ask yourself, does he make me feel like a priority? Does he stand in his integrity? Do we have the same values? Stuff like that, that's the stuff that matters and that's the stuff that's important Welcome to Becoming Sunshine. For those of you that know me, you know that sunshine has been an alias of mine for almost a decade now and sunshine also is me becoming my highest self and that's what this podcast is about. I'm here to help you understand yourself better and maybe learn some more about myself along the way. Thanks so much for joining me, I'm excited. Hey guys, it's Madeline, so today I want to talk about something that I have a lot of personal experience with. I do this spiritual work, the TBM work. I don't know if you guys are familiar, but some of the terminology that they use in the program is running into the fire and this can mean so many different things. It sounds like something horrible, like running into fire, it doesn't sound good, and it's not always good, but it's necessary, and they don't shame you for it, they're like, hey girl, if you need to figure this out the hard way one more time, if you're not ready to jump off this cliff, if you need to run into the fire, you're not ready to one more time, two more times, ten more times, you go for it. We need to figure out lessons sometimes when we're ready and sometimes we learn the same lesson over and over until we finally get it. basically what they say is it's okay to run into the fire as many times as you need and for me, I feel like sometimes that happens a lot in relationships. I am a lover girl and I don't think I'm alone in this. I think a lot of people probably do this, but I do think it's important to realize when it is time to let go and when a relationship is not serving you anymore I feel like I always try to see the best in people. I'm very empathic. I like to overanalyze situations like many people I'm sure I always try to put myself in their shoes and I'm not always trying to justify someone's behavior, but I am trying to understand it and I think sometimes I can be a little bit too understanding at the detriment of myself. and when I think about it, I have such a high standard when it comes to bringing anyone new into my life, whether that's romantic relationships or friendships, I hold such a high standard for myself and I'm quick to cut anyone new off if they don't make the cut which I think is important It's important to have high standards for yourself but then it's interesting because people that have been in my life for years and this isn't true for everyone but for certain people I seem to have a soft spot for and I don't seem to hold them to the same standard as I hold everyone else and It's interesting because I would never let someone new come into my life and disrespect me I would never let someone new come into my life and talk to me ugly so why would I not hold that same standard for somebody that should know better someone that has known me for years. I think and maybe this is my Taurus moon but I think sometimes we get really comfortable in what's familiar myself in particular and It's easier I guess or there's a lot of comfort in what's familiar to us, I've learned a little bit about trauma bonding and I love learning more about interpersonal relationships and how we engage with each other and our patterning There's a lot of research about how we continuously will date the same person over and over again and they have a different skin suit, but it's the same problems in the relationship or the same themes keep coming up. It's always the unavailable person, the emotionally unavailable person, it's the person that can't commit, it's et cetera, et cetera, x, y, z and basically what the research says is that we will continuously recreate scenarios that mimic our earliest childhood experiences and relationships with our early caretakers to try to heal these childhood traumas that we have and so oftentimes it's not this like incredible connection that you guys have. It's literally just a trauma bond. So I think understanding a little bit about neurobiology can help us understand why this happens a little bit better. So you feel this attachment to this person mostly because of your primal brain and your limbic system. those two parts of the brain really come into play here. so early in childhood when we weren't receiving something from our primary caretaker that was imprinted on our subconscious and our nervous system early in life and the subconscious parts of the brain are really the limbic system and the primal brain or the croc brain some people call it and we don't have a lot of control over this part of the brain, and really the only way to reprogram our subconscious beliefs is to do the deep work on ourselves. Just having the conscious thought like, hey, this person is not healthy for me, this person isn't good for me, which is the neocortex part of the brain, really isn't enough to change our patterning and our behavior. The primal brain and the limbic system kind of work together in our subconscious mind they control our behaviors, our actions, our emotions stuff that was imprinted in early childhood is deeply programmed into this part of the brain and into our nervous system. You might know this person isn't aligned. This isn't right for you but in order to really change these patterns and this behavior, you really need to reprogram your subconscious beliefs and really the only way to do this is by using these tools of like deep meditation and shadow work it takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of work on yourselves and you can do this in therapy. You can do this through meditation. I personally love the to be magnetic work. It's helped me unblock a lot of shadow, reprogram a lot of limiting beliefs that I've had and even just bring awareness to this patterning. I think being aware is the first step and It's really easy to justify behavior and stuff if you're not really conscious of what's actually going on, like the deeper components. I think it's also important to be able to self soothe and ground yourself. I think for a long time, personally, I felt emotionally dependent or like I needed this person to help soothe my nervous system, even though they weren't right for me and I think getting back to my own spiritual practice to help me get in tune with myself, again, is really helpful. I really love the TBM work. I also love to do Transcendental Meditation every morning. It's changed my life, journaling, plant medicine making time for self care and getting back into my body through yoga, intuitive movement, going for walks every day, self pleasure practices, grounding, taking different herbs and tinctures. I really love flower essences. I've taken a few different ones. For those of you that don't know about flower essences, they're these little tinctures that you take, and it's just a few drops every day, and the different flower combinations are actually able to help reprogram your brain and help you think differently. It's actually really incredible. There's ones that can help you when you're grieving. There's ones that can help you unblock limiting beliefs. There's ones that can just help you feel more supported and healthier. There's ones that can help with beauty and anti aging. There's ones that can help you feel grounded when you're feeling anxious. There's even ones that you can give your children and pets. Flower essences can work on anybody and they're so powerful and they're so healthy they come from the earth I'm happy that plant medicine is becoming more mainstream but it's incredible there's so much magic and medicine on this earth that is there for us to use and there's so much in nature that can heal our bodies and heal our minds. I feel like, too, just making more time for your hobbies and your passions and getting into your inner child and like what brings you joy. I think as an adult we get so caught up in our responsibilities that we forget to just have fun, be silly, dance more spend more time with friends and not just like going out drinking but like just spending time talking and having fun and doing silly things together and it's so refreshing the other night I went out with a girlfriend and we just sat on the couch of this restaurant and we're talking for hours and it was so nice connecting and we've been friends for years but I feel like we just got so much deeper in our relationship and our friendship and having those core memories and moments with your friends is so valuable and so helpful, especially when we feel disconnected from ourselves, and as an introvert I definitely sometimes need to take more space for myself, but then when I do meet up with aligned friends and take time when I have the energy to spend with my friends, I always feel lit up by them and It's so important to have people around you that light you up, and that you feel aligned with and that you can grow with I think a really good way to think about my romantic relationships moving forward, is to compare them to my platonic friendships. I have some of the best friendships with different women and men, mostly women and I feel so blessed and grateful. We have the best time going to dinner, going to workout classes, going on trips, and when I think about it, why don't I compare my romantic relationships to my friendships? I hold my friendships to such a high standard. The men I date should be at least held to that, at least to that high of a standard. I have such a good time at dinner with my girlfriends. If I'm not gonna have that good of a time with a man, why would I go out with him? Why would I go on a date with a man if I would have a better time with my girlfriends? Why would I make space for someone in my life If I'm going to go out with anyone, it should be someone I'm having the same kind of great time as I would with my friendships. If I'd have a better time at dinner with my girlfriends, why would I go on a date with this man? That doesn't make sense and the way the women in my life show up for me, the way they take care of me when I'm sick, when I'm sad, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need to have the biggest, deepest belly laugh comparing our romantic relationships to our friendships and making sure they serve us just as much, if not more, is so important and I don't know if this is something that everyone knows but I just had this realization and it's crazy if you think about it like of course they should be just as good as my friends and just as supportive and just as loving if not why would I date them? Why would I consider them a potential partner? Why would I want to start a family with them? No brainer, and I think being able to self soothe and ground in yourself is so important I think personally I used to think that I was being comforted by someone when really I was just disassociating when I was with them and I think being aware of that is super important and I feel like I held on to this connection so much for so many reasons that really had nothing to do with him, and with my own stuff that I needed to heal and I think doing somatic healing and breath work and tapping and yoga and just other things that help you get into your body are so helpful because there's so much trauma and memories and stuff that's stored in the body and releasing that is so important and tapping into that is so important. There's a book the body keeps the score. That's very interesting. It's all about this kind of thing and it talks about how trauma is stored in the body and how it can manifest in different ways and It can be in your relationships, it can be through disease, it's really interesting and for someone who has had disease manifest in their body because of, trauma and other things I've just seen firsthand how important it is to be in tune with yourself be living from a healed space and choosing relationships from a healed space and when I do decide to date or engage with a man, It's really important to consider what kind of man this is and I'm not perfect I don't pretend to be perfect but the kind of man that and this is probably not true for everybody. I'm currently trying to date more seriously now I'm a little bit older and I just don't have the energy to casually date. I think there was a time in my life if I'm being honest with myself I feel like the only reason why I was into casually dating was because I was unhealed and I wasn't emotionally available and so it seemed like a safer option, and maybe this is like a controversial opinion, but I think If you're coming from a healed space, like, why would you give your energy to someone who can't reciprocate it in the fullest way? I don't know if that makes sense, but anyways, the man that I choose to date now is not gonna be someone who is engaging with other women, online or offline. I want to be with a man that chooses me and wants to be with me. Not someone that's liking a bunch of girls pictures or following hundreds of half naked women or asking out like a bunch of women and going on three different dates a week with different women. I want to be with someone that chooses me and I've met guys that have tried to date some of the other girls in my friend group and I don't blame them. They're all beautiful, amazing women but I think all of our personalities are vastly different, and so for them to be interested in them and me, it's like, are they really choosing me, or are they okay with any of us interchangeably? and that's just not a partner I would ever choose. I would never choose someone who doesn't choose me. I've done it in the past and I've learned from those experiences, even if I have to wait for the rest of my life for the right partner. I want someone that chooses me and loves me and my personality and my soul and wouldn't be happy with any of my friends interchangeably or any girl that looks somewhat like me or their type or whatever and I think that comes with a certain level of healing too and also just like desperation and being of a certain age and ready to settle down, but there's technology now I can wait they can wait I've just come to realize that it's good to put yourself out there, but It's good also to cut them off onto the next when you realize they're not for you because the longer you entertain something that's not for you or someone that's not for you, the longer you postpone what is and sometimes it's hard sometimes, you feel lonely or it's nice to have someone or you don't really feel like you're settling, but for me personally I can't see anyone else when I am with someone even if it's not exactly what I want I'm not open to receiving other people and I'm blocked energetically from other energies and other men. So even if you don't think you're settling and doing a disservice to yourself, you're blocking yourself and cutting yourself off from manifestations and people that would much better serve you and are much more aligned and it took me a really long time to accept this. I've known this for a long time, but practicing what you preach is very hard, and it all goes back to what I'm saying. It's not just about your conscious thoughts. It's about reprogramming your subconscious beliefs and reprogramming your nervous system and utilizing these tools and it takes time. It takes time and I'm not perfect, I'm still working at it. I'm proud of myself for walking away from situations that weren't right for me. I probably stayed way too long, but who hasn't? I think it's okay to go to dinner. I think we shouldn't shut ourselves out, and we should be open to new experiences and it's okay to just go to dinner. I've had people give me this advice. They're like, just go to dinner, just go on the date. If it seems like he's a nice guy. He has some of the things you're looking for give him a chance but if they're not the one they're not the one and you don't need to stick around and waste your time or waste their time and again, if you're not ready to walk away, that's okay run into the fire but I think the way i'm looking at it now is would my future husband, or not even my future husband, would my husband treat me this way? Is this how my husband would show up for me? If the answer is no, he's not the one and we move on to the next one. For example, I made plans with a guy to celebrate together to go out and go to this party, and day of, he cancels on me. and, you might think, hey, it's not that big of a deal, things come up we weren't that serious, it wasn't that big of a deal, but if this is someone that's trying to pursue me, and is trying to get my attention, just know they're going to be on their best behavior in the beginning, so if this is the way he's willing to show up for me in the beginning, it's only going to get worse and would my husband blow me off? Last minute drop plans with me day of probably not so he's probably not the one and that's okay, but I don't need to go on another date with him. I don't need to make plans with him and just hold that standard for yourself because you deserve that baby girl and these men will learn. The only way men are going to learn is if we teach them. So stand in your worth, don't settle, and don't put up with bullshit because you don't need to because he's on the way and the one for you is on the way and whenever you are dating, just ask yourself, does he make me feel like a priority? Does he stand in his integrity? Do we have the same values? Stuff like that, that's the stuff that matters and that's the stuff that's important and I heard this analogy actually on Tik Tok the other day. Tik Tok is so interesting, I feel like it's almost like tarot cards sometimes that gives you exactly what you need in that moment or maybe just because our phones are always listening to us but there was this really good analogy about dating and she compared it to being on a train so when you start dating in your early 20s or whatever all your friends are on the train. It's super fun. You're on this train with all your friends. It's super fun like, why would you get off the train? We're having a great time and then slowly, as you get older, more and more people start to get off and, people get married, your friends start having kids, and you're still on the train, and you're like, wondering, when is it going to be my stop? When do I get to get off the train? When is it my turn? but your ticket has your stop on it and the Conductor or whatever the train person is called isn't going to let you off on a stop that isn't yours and you wouldn't want to get off on a stop that isn't yours, you know you might be like, oh like that one looks pretty good. This stop looks pretty good, maybe i'll get off here no, that's not for you and you can either you know look out the window and be sad or you can just enjoy the view and know that your stop is coming. You will get off the train and it's going to be the stop that's meant for you and I probably didn't explain that the best, but it's just, enjoy the process, enjoy the ride, you don't need to settle, you don't need to you're not gonna be single forever, you're not gonna have this time in your life forever, so just enjoy it, have fun, go to dinner, kiss as many boys as you want, have fun with your girlfriends because one day it will be your stop and it's gonna be so beautiful you're gonna look back and remember how much you enjoyed the ride and you're gonna be so happy that you're at your stop, but so grateful for the journey it took to get there. Hey guys, thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed today's episode, remember to comment, like, and subscribe. Share it with your friends. It really does help me. You can also go to my website at becomingsunshine. com and subscribe to my newsletter. You can support the podcast there. Thanks again. I appreciate you guys so much and we'll talk soon. Bye!
