The Echo of Our Words: Shaping Lives through Speech and Appreciation

Have you ever considered the lasting echo your words might leave in someone's life? Join me, Jim Cunningham, on the Unscripted Mind as we unravel the enigmatic power that our everyday language holds over personal connections, self-perception, and the resilience we muster in the face of life's challenges. In a heart-to-heart conversation inspired by the profound insights of Carol Dweck and John Gottman, we'll reveal how the seemingly innocuous labels we assign to children, like "smart," can inadvertently set them on a path of risk-aversion and dishonesty, while the ratio of positive-to-negative interactions can make or break the strength of our relationships. This episode is not just a look at the psychology behind our speech—it's an invitation to become architects of encouragement, crafting our dialogues to uplift and empower those within our sphere of influence.

We often forget to stop and express gratitude, but imagine the cascading impact your words of thanks could have. As we conclude our journey through the spoken and unspoken intricacies of our daily discourse, I challenge you to act on the power of appreciation, to see the remarkable changes it can inspire in both the giver and receiver. This episode is for those ready to embrace the unpredictable narrative of life with intention and curiosity, recognizing that each phrase we choose is a brushstroke in the larger picture of our relationships. So come along and let's forge a community where thoughtful communication is not just practiced, but celebrated.

References

1. Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
2. Becker, W.C., Engelmann, S., & Thomas, D.R. (1975). Teaching 2: Cognitive Learning and Instruction. Chicago: Science Research Associates.
3. Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.
4. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press. (While focused on marriage, Gottman's research on positive-to-negative interaction ratios applies to other relationships, including parent-child interactions.)
5. Pfiffner, L. J., Rosen, L. A., & O'Leary, S. G. (1985). The efficacy of an all-positive approach to classroom management. [Research Support, Non-U.S. Gov't]. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 18(3), 257– 261.
6. Simonsen, B., Fairbanks, S., Briesch, A., Myers, D., & Sugai, G. (2008). Evidence-based practices in classroom management: Considerations for research to practice. Education & Treatment of Children, 31(3), 351–380. https://doi.org/10.1353/etc.0.0007

Transcript

Jim Cunningham: 0:02

Yehuda Berg once said Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively, with words of encouragement, or destructively, with words of despair. Words have power and energy, with the ability to help to heal, to hinder, to harm, to hurt, to humiliate and to humble. How carefully do you choose your words? It's easy to forget the power we have to impact other people just by the words we choose. It doesn't matter if I'm talking to my spouse, my child, the CEO or even a stranger. A single word can inspire a nation, heal a relationship or completely shatter someone's confidence. Today, on the Unscripted Mind, we're going to explore why it's so very important to choose our words carefully and how to get the most out of what we say. Welcome to the Unscripted Mind, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness and have better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors. My name is Jim Cunningham and I'm a licensed professional counselor, and today we're exploring the importance of words not just what we say, but how we say it. We're also going to discuss how we can improve how we talk to one another. Now, does it really matter what we say and how we say it? Well, I think at some level we all understand that what we say can have an impact, and sometimes that's exactly what we want. If you like talking trash during sports, go for it. Personally, I love it. I usually can't back up the smack talk, but it's fun either way. This is not what we're talking about today, though. I'm not talking about the things we say intentionally to get an effect. I'm more speaking about the unintentional impact of what we say, because, well, frankly, we're not really aware and maybe we're not even paying attention. So do you think people are listening?

Jim Cunningham: 2:15

I spent almost a decade as a school counselor and I often heard adults and parents complain that kids, well, they just don't listen. That might be true, but they do hear. I once asked our middle school students a question. The question was what words have you heard adults use to describe middle school students? The top five responses were obnoxious, annoying, inconsiderate, selfish and immature. They had some other words to describe themselves, but 99.9 percent of them were all negative. What struck me the most is that these were not the words they made up to describe themselves. These were the words they actually heard. I have no doubt the adults also paid them compliments as well, but these are the words that seem to resonate enough to stick and be at the top of their mind when the question was asked. But even positive words can have unintended consequences.

Jim Cunningham: 3:15

Researcher Carol Dweck, in her research on fixed versus growth mindsets, demonstrated the power of a single word. So in their experiment she took two groups of kids and she gave them a very simple test. And of course, everybody did well. But one group, she told the reason you did well is because you're smart. The other group, she said you did well because you worked hard. Well, she gave the two groups another test, except this one was really difficult and nobody did very well. What we found is the group that was told that they worked hard, appreciated the challenge, they look forward to it. The group that was labeled smart, not so much. In fact, when they asked the group of smart kids how well they did, a number of them actually lied about their scores. In fact, the researcher said just by calling the kids smart, we turn them into liars. Said just by calling the kids smart, we turn them into liars.

Jim Cunningham: 4:16

The other thing that we found too about this with the fixed mindset is that even giving kids a positive label like smart had negative consequences. For example, kids who tend to be labeled smart tend to be very risk averse. They don't raise their hand if they don't know the answer to the question. They don't tend to ask many questions. In many ways they're so focused on preserving the label that they have because it's a positive one. So what's the right answer? What's the right balance? I mean, after all, we can't be perfect all the time and say all the right things. So what does that balance look like?

Jim Cunningham: 4:57

John Gottman is a psychologist known for his work with marital stability and relationship analysis, one of the gurus in that field, and he emphasizes the importance of positive versus negative comments in a relationship. He suggests that the ratio of positive to negative interactions needs to be five to one for the relationship to thrive. That means for every negative comment or interaction, there should be five positive ones to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Two to one isn't going to cut it. Now, I'm not suggesting that just because I said something hurtful once. I've permanently traumatized someone for life. It's actually more about the ratio. Studies have shown that children and teens who receive a higher ratio of positive to negative feedback tend to have better academic performance. They tend to have better self-esteem and more resilient coping mechanisms. On the other hand, those who received more criticism than encouragement often exhibited anxiety, lower self-esteem and aversion to challenges. So think about how this has affected you growing up, in the course of your life and lately. When was the last time someone actually encouraged you? Can you remember when was the last time someone criticized you? That actually might be easier to remember.

Jim Cunningham: 6:16

We tend to absorb and internalize the negative much more quickly than the positive. It just seems to be human nature, but it points to why we need to hear so many more positive things than the negative. So understanding the impact of even one word, even a positive word, and how that can affect people, puts a lot of pressure on us to be mindful of what we're saying. Every word counts and today's day and age, when we have so little time with people, sometimes it adds even more pressure to every single word. If that's the case, how do we improve our communication? By increasing our own awareness of what we say to others, because, as with many things, it's not about changing other people. It's about changing ourselves. So how do we do that? Well, first, I might suggest be intentional. I've said this before for other things, but we don't do anything by accident and things just don't magically happen. Do you remember the last time you said something you hadn't thought of yet? That tends to not go very well.

Jim Cunningham: 7:20

We all need to think about what we're going to say. We need to understand the audience and the context in which we're saying it. I know at times we all think of something funny to say without really considering those things, and usually when you do that, you see that look on people's face as soon as you've said it and you realize it's actually not going to be very funny. You've messed up. So I recommend just pause before you speak. Take a moment to think about what you're going to say, ask yourself if it's necessary, kind and helpful. This simple pause can prevent many, many regrettable comments. I'm preaching to the choir here and giving myself some advice here, because I've done this before too and it's never good trying to get your foot out of your mouth. Second, I would say is look for opportunities to express gratitude and appreciation, regularly acknowledging and thanking those people around you with statements. Like you know, I appreciate your help with moving or you did a great job on your presentation. Those things can go a long way to build a positive environment, whether that's at home or at work.

Jim Cunningham: 8:26

Positive reinforcement or encouragement that reinforces positive behavior and achievements promotes continued effort and improvement. It helps children, it helps adults. It helps us associate effort with positive outcomes. Research indicates that you can improve behavior of students by 80% just by pointing out what someone is doing correctly. Research in the school setting shows that praise has the strongest effect, with increases shown in the students' correct responses. Productivity and accuracy goes up in their work, academic performance improves On-task behavior and attention compliance. Positive comments about themselves all seem to go up. How about the opposite? What if we do too much criticism? Becker, engelman and Thomas reported that when criticism was increased in students, off-task behavior increased from 25% to about 31%, with increases over 50% on some days. It just shows how important the positive is. So what do studies say about negative interactions that include behavioral corrections but ignore positive student behavior? Here's what the studies on interaction say. After withdrawing praise from a classroom, off-task behavior increased from 8 to 25%. In classes where teachers provided less than 65% positive statements, the percentage of students reporting that they like school decreased over the course of the school year. In classes where teachers provided more than 70% positive statements, students reported that they liked remaining in high school across the school year. So it really is about the balance and the ratio. You can't have all of one or all of the other.

Jim Cunningham: 10:14

Third thing I would suggest is be specific. Focus on specific behaviors or achievements, rather than general comments. So, for example, you did a great job on your math homework. It's a lot more effective than oh, you're so smart. This is even true for corrections and constructive criticisms. Pointing out something very specific that needs to change is much better than saying you know, you just need to do better. That's very hard to work with. While some criticism is necessary for learning and improvement, it should be constructive and aimed at guiding rather than discouraging. Focus on how improvements can be made. So, for example, you might say I appreciate your efforts on this project, let's work on improving this one part for even better results.

Jim Cunningham: 11:01

Now, this does not have to be every single time, though. In fact, to go on a bit of a tangent, it's better if you randomly acknowledge the positives you see in other people See, random rewards are also called variable ratio reinforcement, and this is where the reward is given after an unpredictable number of responses or behaviors. This creates a high and a steady rate of responding because the reward is unpredictable. This works great, and this is exactly why slot machines and casinos are so effective, because they operate on a variable ratio, schedule, random reinforcement. Players don't know how many times they need to pull the lever before they win. They know what's coming, but they just don't know when, and so they continue playing in anticipation of the reward.

Jim Cunningham: 11:50

By the way, I'm not saying all this so we can start manipulating people like slot machines do, but more so, so you don't feel like you have to express gratitude every time and that it becomes a huge burden. You don't have to get all unctuous about it. Yes, I said unctuous, I'm just saying be mindful to do these things occasionally. Just as a side note, fiffner, rosen and O'Leary found that if the students only received praise like an all-positive praise environment, it was ineffective in controlling off-task behaviors. So even too much of praise becomes ineffective. Finally, I might suggest just keep it simple. By the way, this doesn't require a lot of work or effort.

Jim Cunningham: 12:37

I find that for many people, effective encouragement is often a very small thing. All you have to say is something like you worked really hard today or thank you. No-transcript. Remember the word encourage means to give support, confidence or hope to someone. To put it another way, it means to instill courage. Here's the point. People need so very little encouragement. Something small can change literally everything.

Jim Cunningham: 13:11

I think the big takeaway from all of this is that before we say things, it's always good to consider is it necessary, is it kind, or is it helpful? The reason for this is that, even though we're entitled to our own opinions, if things aren't necessary, kind or helpful, we all live in this weird symbiotic kind of world. We all rely on each other, we interact with each other and, as such, the better other people are doing, the better we tend to be also. But if I make somebody unhappy now I got to deal with that and the unhappiness. It just complicates my own life. But on the other hand, by choosing our words carefully and aiming to encourage and support others, we not only improve our relationships, but also contribute to a more positive and uplifting environment. It's a win-win scenario.

Jim Cunningham: 14:05

Remember, the words we use have a profound impact on the people around us. Let's make them count. I might encourage you just to find one, one person to thank or to share your appreciation with today. You may never know how much that person might have needed just that one little comment. Thanks for checking us out on the unscripted mind today. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, follow us, leave a review we always appreciate that. And also, if you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please include that also. Until next. Next time, remember life doesn't come with a script, so embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned, always stay curious and have an amazing day. We'll see you next time on the Unscripted Mind.