Decoding Anger: Creating Calm and Control from Chaos

Ever wondered why anger seems to be skyrocketing in today’s world? On this episode of the Unscripted Mind, host Jim Cunningham, a licensed professional counselor, promises to unravel the intricate web of triggers that fuel our modern-day rage. From political polarization and economic disparity to job stress and financial anxieties, we break down the factors contributing to this emotional surge. But it doesn't stop there—discover the deeper layers behind anger, often rooted in underlying emotions like anxiety and frustration. Recognize anger as more than just an outburst, but a defensive mechanism with profound physiological and cognitive consequences.

Prepare to gain invaluable strategies for managing anger and resolving conflicts, especially when emotions are at their peak. Jim dives into the significance of having a premeditated plan and maintaining a calm demeanor in the face of fury. Drawing inspiration from Stoic philosophy, we explore how to control our actions despite natural emotional reactions and keep long-term relationship goals in focus. As the episode wraps up, we invite you to embrace life’s unexpected moments and stay curious. Your journey towards a more empathetic and effective approach to handling anger starts here—don’t miss out on these practical insights and tools.

Sources: 

AAIDD (American Association on Intellectual Developmental Disabilities). Intellectual disability: Definition, classification, and systems of supports. Washington, DC: AAIDD; 2010.

American Heart Association. (n.d.). Anger and Your Heart.

American Psychological Association (2019). Stress in America: Stress and Current Events.

American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. fifth ed. Washington, DC: APA; 2013, p. 33.

Arnold, J. L., & Boger, M. S. (2019). Neurobiological Correlates of Emotional Dysregulation and Cognitive Performance. Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 31(3), 198-204. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.neuropsych.19070120

Gallup. (2020). Gallup Poll Social Series: Emotions.

Pew Research Center. (2021). How Americans View Anger in Society Today.

Santarnecchi, E., Emmendorfer, A., & Pascual-Leone, A. (2019). The Effects of Emotional Dysregulation on Cognitive Functioning in Adults. Journal of Affective Disorders. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2019.07.079

Transcript

Jim Cunningham: 0:04

We seem to be surrounded by anger. Everywhere we look today, we see rage, we see hostility, yelling, even physical altercations. When we get angry, we act poorly, but we also react poorly to others' anger. But what if we were getting it all wrong? What if we were missing the message? What if there was a different way to see anger altogether, a different way to react to others' anger, a way that would completely change the way it impacts our life? Anger is all the rage on this episode of the Unscripted Mind. Welcome to the Unscripted Mind podcast, where our goal is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, increase your awareness and have better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors. My name is Jim Cunningham and I'm a licensed professional counselor, and today we're going to discuss a new way to think about anger.

Jim Cunningham: 1:07

The philosopher Aristotle once said anybody can become angry. That's easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way, that is not within everyone's power. In fact, it's difficult. How bad is anger these days? Well, a 2021 survey by the Pew Research Center found that 71% of Americans believe that people are angrier now than they were a decade ago. This perception of increasing anger was attributed to various factors including not surprisingly political polarization and economic inequality, among other reasons. So why are people so angry? Well, according to a 2019 survey by the American Psychological Association, 61% of adults reported work-related stress as a significant trigger for anger. 57% reported financial stress as another major source of anger. Age also seems to play an important part in anger. Research indicates that younger adults tend to report higher levels of anger compared to older adults. A 2020 Gallup poll revealed that 30% of adults under the age of 30 experienced anger more frequently compared to 16% of those 50 and older. Now, while anger can be a healthy and constructive force, it can also lead to negative outcomes if not managed properly. Uncontrolled anger can result in destructive behavior and damaged relationships and, like chronic stress, chronic anger has negative impacts on our health. The American Heart Association reports that frequent anger can increase the risk of cardiovascular diseases, noting that people with higher levels of anger are at a greater risk for heart attacks and strokes.

Jim Cunningham: 3:01

Now anger, of course, isn't all bad. It's natural and it's often a necessary emotion that can signal when something is wrong or unjust. It's a common response to feel threatened, frustrated or wronged, and it can motivate individuals to address and rectify problems. So that's all good about anger. First of all, anger is always a secondary emotion, in the sense that there's always something that usually precedes it. It isn't the primary emotion. So for a lot of people, anger comes after emotions like anxiety, depression and or frustration, or simply feeling disrespected.

Jim Cunningham: 3:41

As someone once said, mad is sad's friend. This makes sense when you look at the origin of the word angry. The word angry is derived from the old Norse word anger, spelled A-N-G-R, which means grief or sorrow. This would indicate that the initial connotation was associated more with sadness and distress than our modern sense of intensity, displeasure or rage. Secondly, anger conveys a message, but the behavior that accompanies that message is very hard to hear. We'll discuss the messages below. But this is a key factor because if you don't understand the message, you'll get stuck in the emotion of the moment, and that is not good the emotion of the moment and that is not good. The reason it is not good is because anger makes us stupid, to be blunt. This isn't just my opinion, it's one of the most empirically verifiable facts in the world. I mean, have you ever seen an angry person making good choices or good decisions?

Jim Cunningham: 4:39

Rarely, at times of emotional dysregulation, which includes states of heightened stress or emotional turmoil like anger, it's been linked to temporary decreases in cognitive performance. To put that in layman's terms, it means you get dumber. Research indicates I have sources listed below in the description if you'd like to look those up. But the research indicates that during periods of emotional distress, individuals experience a significant drop in IQ scores, often by as much as 15 points. For context, 100 is the average IQ score. According to the National Institutes for Health, an IQ score of 70 is considered an intellectual disability. So if you get emotionally dysregulated and your IQ drops from, say, 100 down to 85, you're halfway there to having an intellectual disability, albeit temporary. This decrease is attributed to the impaired cognitive functions, such as memory, attention, executive functioning, that occur during emotional dysregulation. This means that when you get angry, your ability to make thoughtful decisions is significantly diminished.

Jim Cunningham: 5:51

Robert Ingersoll said it this way anger is the wind which blows out the lamp of the mind. Of course, this is nothing new. The Stoics viewed anger as a form of temporary madness that disrupts rational thought and leads to harmful actions. Seneca, one of the prominent Stoic philosophers of the time wrote extensively on the subject, stating that anger was an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. This also explains why to reason with a person who is very emotional simply doesn't work. They're stuck in fight or flight mode. The rational part of the brain just isn't accessible. So so far, probably not a lot of surprises for you, and sounds like anger is just a bad thing.

Jim Cunningham: 6:40

So what are we missing here? I think we're misinterpreting the message in the anger that we see. I think anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions because it feels very aggressive. The rage, the yelling, threats of violence all can feel very menacing. It feels personal. It feels like I as a person am being attacked. Rarely have I ever met a client with anger issues that wants to completely get rid of that anger. In fact, most don't, and I think the reason is because anger is a great protector. It keeps us safe and it protects us. So what is the message and what function does anger serve? Well, here's a different way to think about it.

Jim Cunningham: 7:26

Think about anger like rattlesnakes and turtles One of them strikes the other, pulls his head in. But the message is exactly the same. It's all defensive in nature. Anger usually helps us get our sense of control and power back in a situation. So when we think of rattlesnakes they seem very threatening and we just would rather avoid them at all costs. Recently they did a study, though, that suggested that they may not be as dangerous as we think. I'm not suggesting we go out and handle rattlesnakes, but during the study they simulated stepping on 175 rattlesnakes in the wild. This was with a fake leg and the animals weren't hurt. But of those 175 times, the snake only struck six times. In fact, most of the time they were just trying to wiggle and get away. Rattlesnakes are not predatory towards humans. Add to the fact that if they were, they wouldn't rattle first. If we were actually their prey, rattling before striking wouldn't be a very good strategy. So rattling like striking or like a turtle going into a shell is defensive in nature and largely a warning. So what is the message? The message is I need some space, I don't feel heard, I don't feel safe, I don't want to be stepped on, etc. Right Now.

Jim Cunningham: 8:47

Make no mistake, anger does a great job of achieving these goals. I would even go so far as to say that sometimes it's necessary. In extreme situations it can be life-saving. However, we tend to overuse this tool for common, everyday, small issues. Give somebody a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. This is what gets us in trouble and tends to cause interactions with angry people to escalate and get out of control so quickly. We've seen this all play out in our lives.

Jim Cunningham: 9:22

If someone gets angry around you, especially if there's someone out of control, you start to feel threatened, especially if you don't feel like you can get away from it. At this point, you might feel stuck or feel attacked. Think about being in a car or in a closed room with someone and feeling trapped. It's natural then that you would feel like you have to defend yourself, and usually what that means is I have to match your intensity, I have to match your anger. I've got to escalate things. Also. You're going to get louder. You're going to get louder, I'm going to get louder, and now sometimes we start getting physical. Before you know it, we have turned something just verbal into a physical altercation. Understand that that can be not just fighting, but something as simple as me standing up or taking a step toward you. That feels physical and threatening too. So for someone who is using anger to defend themselves, this will escalate the event because you're going to misinterpret that as more aggression, which is going to intensify things.

Jim Cunningham: 10:20

So we get this kind of continual one-upping of one another to the point where things go downhill really rather quickly. Now we're both angry and, as we've already discussed, we've both gotten dumber. Neither of us is interested in or capable of solving the problem. Heck, we didn't remember what the real problem was. I see a lot of couples and they have these knock down, drag out arguments and often by the time they come to see me they can't even remember what started it. If they can remember, it is usually over something so minor that it should never have escalated to that level. So I would say we talk about rattlesnakes, but this is also true of the turtle response.

Jim Cunningham: 11:08

There are a lot of people who shut down when they are angry. They just are not interested in conflict or conflict averse, or they're scared. Unfortunately, we misinterpret that the same way a lot of the times. So because when we get angry, we don't feel heard. So we tend to escalate so that we can be heard by the person that is withdrawing. I see this a lot with parents interacting with their kids, and the result is just as unproductive. The louder you get with someone who is going into their shell, the more they're going to shut down.

Jim Cunningham: 11:35

It's a defensive posture. Now, if you miss that message, it tends to increase your own anger, because getting into an altercation with someone, one of the goals is to give my anger to them some of it anyway. But when somebody shuts down, they're not accepting some of my anger, so I'm stuck with it and I'm not happy about it. Whether I realize that or not. When people don't participate in our anger, that really makes us mad, because we don't feel heard, valued or respected. So how does simply recognizing this message an angry person is trying to communicate change everything for us? If I see somebody get angry and I understand that this is defensive in nature, it's a defensive posture, not an offensive posture that completely changes things for me and how I see it. So how does that play out in real life?

Jim Cunningham: 12:26

Recently I was driving down the interstate and I was in the middle lane. There was a truck in front of me and I was going to go around him, but the car in the left lane got beside me and so I couldn't change lanes and go around the truck in a reasonable amount of time. So by the time I was able to actually go around the truck when the car had gotten out of the way, I had gotten pretty close to the guy's bumper in the truck. So when I passed him, as you might suspect, he flipped me off. He was unhappy with me. I could have really gotten upset by that, but when you understand that usually most anger and those kinds of things are defensive, it was his way of saying. You made me uncomfortable and I completely get that. I've had people come up on the backs. You know my rear bumper and I'm not happy about it either. It makes me uncomfortable. If I understand that, that's the message he's trying to convey. I don't take it personal and I don't get upset about it. I don't have to flip him off either, so we can both go about our day.

Jim Cunningham: 13:24

So let me give you a few strategies on how to maintain this perspective as we go through our work days, our lives with our homes, interacting with our kids, our spouses and co-workers. First strategy I would suggest is remember this is not personal. When you understand, the message is defensive. It's conveying how the angry person is feeling. It's about them. Don't make it about you by overreacting. Remember, when someone is angry, ultimately they usually just want to be heard. But people who are malicious and actually a threat to us, like a thief or somebody who's predatory and maybe trying to hurt you you got to remember they don't act angry, they're calculating, but they're not angry. Two very different messages. So first thing is it's not personal.

Jim Cunningham: 14:13

Second thing is back up the decision cycle. What I mean by that is you have to have a plan on how you're going to handle the next angry person. If you don't have a plan and you decide to make it up as you go, the chances of you handling it well go way, way down. Because if I get stuck in the emotion of the moment, all bets are off. I'm going to do and say things that will likely be, at a minimum, counterproductive, at most mean, hurtful or worse. So having a plan allows me to stay calm, see things for what they are and, best of of all, I don't have to worry about making a decision when I get really emotional again, because that makes us dumb. So all I have to do is follow the plan and I don't have to think. We see this a lot with fire drills. We see this with military exercises or any other kind of exercises where people are exposed to a crisis. They're taught how to respond, so when the crisis actually happens, they don't have to think, they just do, and that works much better.

Jim Cunningham: 15:16

The third thing I might suggest is, as we think about having a plan, what is the plan? How do we handle that? Again, I think we need to remember the message. The message is the person is feeling defensive, so I want to present myself not as a threat. If I see a bear in the woods, I don't want to charge it, I don't want to get in its space. I don't want to appear to be a threat of any kind whatsoever. I want to appear to be minding my own business, going my own way. What does that look like when you're dealing with actual people? Well, if I'm not going to appear to be a threat to someone, instead of maybe taking a step forward, take a step backwards. Instead of standing, maybe I sit down. Instead of banging on something, maybe I just be still. Instead of raising my voice, maybe I lower my voice or even whisper. A lot of times that forces the angry person to listen a little bit longer, a little bit harder and a little bit longer.

Jim Cunningham: 16:17

The fourth thing I might suggest is give time and space. A lot of times we want to hurry up and resolve a problem or a conflict when it happens, but when you understand that someone is very emotional and isn't thinking clearly, give them the time and space to let the systems come back online. They're thinking with the emotional part of the brain and that doesn't work at the same time as the thinking or cognitive part of the brain. They often counteract each other and that doesn't work at the same time as the thinking or cognitive part of the brain. They often counteract each other. We have to give them some time to kind of switch that back, to get the systems online.

Jim Cunningham: 17:01

Honestly, the nonverbals we just discussed in terms of having a plan and how we present ourselves physically probably is going to carry a lot more weight when someone is angry than any kind of conversation or rationalizing you want to do, because when we start trying to reason with the quote-unquote, the emotional brain, debating points or trying to correct somebody's behavior, it's likely we're just going to make things worse, even if you're dealing with your child. Give them 30 minutes at least or so to calm down. Then we can always have a good conversation about how we could have done things differently. But taking that time when someone is still emotionally dysregulated and trying to convince them and rationalize with them and have that great life teaching point, is probably not the time to do it. Rarely can they hear that anyway.

Jim Cunningham: 17:38

Finally, let me say this Don't let your pride get in the way. I want to win an argument as much as the next guy, but I have to stay focused on the desired outcome. If I get stuck in all the game and the emotions of the moment, I will lose sight of that goal. Unfortunately, I will also lose access to a lot of other resources that I have. I know a lot of ways to solve problems and conflict, but when I get emotional I forget I have those. I just can't access them.

Jim Cunningham: 18:07

So let me wrap up with a couple of ideas. First, I'm not going to say we never get angry. That's a fallacy. It's never going to happen. Don't even try to go there. There are things that are going to make me angry, of course, and that's fine. It's okay to be angry. It's just not okay to act angry.

Jim Cunningham: 18:27

If we think back to the Stoics. They believed that reason should govern our emotions. They taught that one should strive to maintain tranquility by practicing self-control and rational thinking. According to Marcus Aurelius, he said how much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it? And so I would suggest and encourage you to try a couple of these ideas. You know, don't take someone's anger personally. Have a decision cycle. Know how you're going to react to anger before you have to deal with it. Cycle Know how you're going to react to anger before you have to deal with it. And when you engage someone, remember it's probably a very defensive posture that they're taking. So I just need to appear less like a threat, physically especially, and certainly verbally.

Jim Cunningham: 19:16

If we think there's any hope for this relationship and we want to work things out, I want to make sure I give somebody time and space to calm down before I try to force that position, before I try to rationalize, before I try to debate. It's not going to go anywhere. People who are emotionally elevated again, the IQ goes way down. So we want to wait till those systems come back online so we can have that conversation. And finally, don't let pride get in the way. We all want to win the argument, but again we lose sight of the goal and what we're trying to achieve, and for long-term goals, that doesn't work out so good, especially when we're dealing with relationships that mean the most to us our friends, our family and our kids.

Jim Cunningham: 20:00

So I would encourage and invite you to give some of these ideas and strategies a chance. See if it doesn't make a world of difference on how you interact with others and maybe even find a little more peace in life for yourself. Of course, this is simple, but not easy. It's going to take practice to overcome habits and to incorporate new tools into the repertoire. That means giving yourself some grace and managing expectations. This is difficult stuff, and if it was easy, everybody would have already solved the problem. So the last thing we want to do is set ourselves up for failure and give ourselves a fighting chance, because the last thing we want to do is start turning some of that anger on ourselves.

Jim Cunningham: 20:45

Thanks for checking us out today on the Unscripted Mind. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe or follow us to get notified of new episodes. Also, leave a review. If you have any questions or topics you'd like us to cover, please include that also. Until next time, remember life doesn't come with a script. So embrace the unexpected, cherish the unplanned. Always stay curious and have an amazing day. We'll see you next time on the Unscripted Mind. Bye.