Text me to ask a question, leave a comment or just say hello!
Welcome to another episode of ✨Stethoscopes and Strollers✨! Today, we're tackling a common hurdle in the au pair journey: partner resistance.
In this episode, we cover:
• Why your partner might be hesitant about au pairs
• Effective communication strategies to address objections
• The importance of expressing your deep reasons for wanting an au pair
• How an au pair can benefit your entire family, including your partner
• Leveraging your importance in the household (respectfully!)
• Encouraging your partner to talk to other families with au pairs
• What to do if your partner remains resistant
Remember, if you're still navigating this conversation, join our webinar "Finding the Right Fit: Au Pair Essentials for Physician Moms". Visit drtoyacoaching.com/events for upcoming dates and registration.
Can't make it live? Email your questions to hello@drtoyacoaching.com, and I'll address them in the replay.
For more insights on au pairs, check out our previous episode: Au Pair Advantages: Addressing Common Concerns for Physician Moms
Don't forget to share this episode with a fellow physician mom who's trying to get her partner on board with the au pair program. Your support could make all the difference!
Leave us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts and follow us on your favorite podcast app. Your support helps more physician moms find us!
Questions or comments? Email hello@drtoyacoaching.com. I'd love to hear from you!
Register here for ✨Finding the Right Fit: Au Pair Essentials for Physician Moms✨ on August 15th at 3 PM ET/12 PM PT. Find, and keep, the right Au Pair for you and your family!
Remember to subscribe to "Stethoscopes and Strollers" on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode of encouragement and empowerment.
Apple Podcast | Spotify | YouTube
Connect with me.
Website | Instagram | Facebook
Join my Email list to get tips on navigating motherhood in the medical field.
If you feel you need direct support or someone to talk through the unique challenges of being a physician mom, schedule a free coaching session.
Free Coaching Session with Dr. Toya
Hey doc, I am back to talk about au pairs and the objections that you may have to joining the au pair program and welcoming an au pair into your home. But very specifically, we're talking about the objections that your husband may have. So the last episode, I talked about things that you may have reservations about.
And one of those things is well, I'm okay. with getting an au pair, but my husband isn't. So, I wanted to talk a little bit more about that. But before I start, I just want to give a disclaimer. I am very pro husband, pro marriage, pro relationship. This is not a husband bashing space, and I've said that many times before.
And also, my frame of reference, is going to be a relationship that at its core is strong. So, a partner that is abusive, whether verbally, emotionally, physically, anything. I'm not talking about that type of husband, right? Yes, the marriage can be strained because that's what little kids do, but at its core, there's a connection there.
There's a, certain level of respect so, those are the type of men and those are the type of relationships that I'm referring to. And, just want to reiterate, not anti husband.
Because the first thing I'll say is, do it anyway. If he does not want to get an au pair, push ahead. And, I wanted to give my caveat so that you know it is not because I'm disrespectful of my husband or anything like that. Just that. A lot of times, especially when it comes to household things, there is an immediate no from our partners without a lot of consideration, and it can come from a lot of different places.
Just pure ignorance, not wanting to spend money, cultural differences, and the biggest one is usually The lack of awareness of the weight of the domestic labor that you are doing, because if you are in one of those households where you shoulder the majority of the labor that has to do with the household and the childcare, your partner, as loving as he may be, as supportive as he may be, it's like, why do you need somebody to come and live in our house?
Everything's fine. We're managing and you're looking at him like, what? I am not managing. So there may be objections and if they seem unreasonable to you and it seems like, you know, you're just saying no just because go along with the process. Talk about it. Communicate with it. A lot of times there is a little bit of pushback in the beginning, and then they usually come along for the ride, right?
So that is definitely one way to handle objections. And this is after you've had conversations about it.
Do you even know why he's saying no? Of course, I'm not in your home. I don't know how the conversation went. But there are often times when we have these discussions with our partners and if there's an immediate shutdown or the response isn't exactly what we would have hoped for, it just kind of gets dropped and the true reason is never really discussed.
Oh no, he said he doesn't like the idea. And, you know, I just dropped it. Or, I tried to explain but you shut it down and I just dropped it. Proceed with persistence. This is you getting the time that you need. to do whatever it is that you want to do, including sleep. That's what childcare is. That's what outsourcing is, getting you back your time, getting you back your energy.
So an initial no, isn't the end of it. It was just the first answer. It was an invitation to dig deeper, to ask more questions. Why is he saying no? And even if you get an initial answer, like, I don't want anybody in the house, Don't accept that either because clearly you have gotten over it if you are okay with it and now you're trying to convince your husband.
So help him along. What are the underlying reasons for this objection? Because only when you know them, then you can truly address them with all of your arguments and your Jedi mind tricks, right? Some of which we are going to go over. So why is he saying no? In your discussions, because you're going to have several discussions, if it's not an immediate yes, you want to make sure that you are expressing your desire for this program really connected to the deep reason that you want this au pair.
Not just because I can't stand these kids and I need more sleep. That's just on the surface. That's just like me saying. The solution to all your problems is child care. It's deeper than that. Honey, I am exhausted. I think if I continue like this, I am going to break. I am at my wits end. I am not getting any sleep.
It is a danger for me to go to work and take care of patients at this level of fatigue. I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I feel like I am failing, and it is rocking my identity as a a strong, smart physician to be in this situation where I feel like I cannot handle my household and the family that I wanted so deeply. I need to have help. And this is the best option for us for these reasons, really connecting to what your reasons are for wanting this au pair. And if you connect so deeply and express yourself genuinely, it's going to be very difficult to say no to that or to just shut it down completely. It is going to spark something in him that is going to make him consider it more deeply,
so coming at the conversation and the negotiation, which is really what it is, deeply connected to why you want to join the program is really important. So, some other tips. Tell him that it's going to be good for him, because it is. There's a trickle down or trickle up effect, if you want to say it like that.
You are stressed. You are overwhelmed. I'm sure that involves some shouting, some snapping, some silent treatment, some whatever. You're not perfect. You are human. Who can deal with overwhelm and constant stress? Well, no one. Everybody. In the house is affected by our mood as moms, you know, that old belief that the man is the head of the household.
No, it's you. You are the one dictating the mood and the temperature of the entire household. If you are stressed, if you are unhappy, it permeates into the entire household. If you have this help, it is going to make you happier. It is going to make you feel more supported. It is going to make you feel Just more relaxed and relieved.
You are going to have more time and energy to clean yourself up, to take a shower, to do whatever you want to do to make yourself feel better. And therefore, it will help him because guess what? When you feel better, what happens? Sexy time. But that's long down the line for benefit, but it is just about him being in a home with a wife who is happier.
So yes, it is going to benefit him. And he may be stressed as well. So there are lots of men who do a lot of the child care, a lot of the housework and au pair is going to take the responsibility of all child care related activities. So he is going to have more time for himself as well.
It's not just about releasing this burden from you. Like if you all are co parenting, like really co parenting, he's obviously gonna get benefit. Right? So, if you have , some of the relief of the childcare duties, then you have more time for each other, more time for yourself. So, the other thing is that you have leverage.
You do. And this is not me saying, use sex as a weapon. That's not what I'm saying. But I think we don't realize sometimes how important we are to the household. You know, I mentioned it before that we set the mood and the temperature for the house, but probably in your husband's life as well. At least for my husband, he doesn't have a lot of friends. I have like a ton of friends, but like I put a lot in that word. It means a lot to me. So it's not just like acquaintances that I call friends, like true core friends. He doesn't really have that, and not because he's not a great person. Just life circumstances, you know, male relationships.
I don't know, they're weird. But there's a good chance your husband doesn't have a lot of core people that he values above you and your kids. Probably not even the kids, probably just you. So, That's leverage, and not in a manipulative way, but in a very true way. And that goes back to expressing yourself totally connected to that true desire, because if you are in fact really important in your husband's life, expressing yourself in that way is going to move him.
So use that leverage. Then you can tell him to talk to other families. Who have au pairs. Talk to other dads. Talk to other men. If you don't want to listen to me, fine. Talk to somebody else. Find some people in your community. Go in your Facebook groups. Go in the physician mom with au pairs Facebook group and see, hey, whose husband is willing to talk to mine?
about their experience and let him talk to somebody else. That is often going to be very valuable for him in swaying him to agree to join the program. And if he is like, absolutely not, this is not happening, I'm not doing this, and you are the one that's actually doing most of the work, then give him more stuff to do.
If you're saying, I need help with XYZ and you don't have any help, you don't want us to join the program to get help, like, okay, this is what we're going to do from now on. These are the things that you are going to do. So that's why I gave my disclaimer at the beginning. I am not anti husband, but I am very pro you. So you may need to use some of these tactics that may seem a little bit manipulative, that may seem a little bit mean.
But unless you live in a one bedroom apartment Unless you are in dire financial straits, most of the reasons for not getting an au pair are not real reasons, like they're not good enough if you have determined that this is a program that you can and want to join. And the reason I mention those things is because you have to have a room for the au pair, that's the program rules.
So if you live in a one bedroom, that's not a. hate to living in one bedroom, like I'm not disparaging anybody, but you literally can't join the program and Yes, you have to have the money to to pay for it But chances are if you're looking for childcare, you will have to pay for something and the all payers the cheapest option, so Usually the reasons are quite superficial And if you have gotten over reservations that you may have had, you have shared those with him and he's still like, no, this is not happening. Try some of these, , techniques, some of these negotiation tactics and see if they help. Right. And if you still need to work through some things, because there are nuances, right?
Everybody's different. My husband is a little bit different. My home situation is a little bit different. Come to my webinar on August 15th. It's called Finding the Right Fit Au Pair Essentials for Physician Moms. It is at 12 p. m. Pacific, 3 p. m. Eastern, and we can talk about all of the nuances that make your situation special and figure out how we can get you the child care that you need.
Right. The registration link will be in the show notes. You can also go to my website, drtoyacoaching. com slash events and register there. These are rolling webinars, so even if you miss this one, you can sign up for the next one. And even if you see this after the 15th. Just email me and if you ever have any questions about all pairs, anything, just send me an email at hello at DrToyaCoaching. com, right? So. That's what I have for you. Let me know if these techniques work, if your husband went from a no to a yes or a no to maybe we take baby wins here on stethoscopes and strollers.
If you know another physician mom who is struggling to get her husband to agree to getting an au pair, send this episode to her. It could be what changes his mind. You never know, right? Leave me a five star review on Apple Podcasts and a five star rating on all other platforms. Please, it really helps get these messages to more physician moms just like you and I.
And make sure you follow the show so that you never miss an episode. And I will see you on the next episode of Stethoscopes and Strollers.
