Is the spark gone in your relationship? Don't panic - every couple hits a rut at some point after the intoxicating honeymoon phase ends. But that doesn't mean the fire has to die out completely! We're dishing out real-world tips and strategies to revive the intimacy and keep that flame burning bright. We start by introducing our mission to bring accessible therapy insights directly to you. Then we explore that inevitable transition all relationships go through once the infatuation stage winds down.
Episode Highlights:
[3:28] - Exploring the post-honeymoon transition.
[4:28] - The Role of friendship in sustaining spark.
[6:23] - Getting unstuck from resentment.
[12:59] - How to start difficult conversations.
[18:18] - Identifying and expressing vulnerable feelings.
[21:50] - Importance of physical affection.
[26:36] - Creating distraction-free couple time.
[28:54] - Asking curious questions.
[30:20] - Trying new activities together.
[32:39] - Nurturing connection takes small efforts.
[32:43] - Key takeaways to revive your relationship.
Resources:
For more on this topic visit our website at insightsfromthecouch.org.
If you have questions, please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org. We would love to hear from you!
If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!
Is the spark gone in your relationship? Don't panic - every couple hits a rut at some point after the intoxicating honeymoon phase ends. But that doesn't mean the fire has to die out completely! We're dishing out real-world tips and strategies to revive the intimacy and keep that flame burning bright. We start by introducing our mission to bring accessible therapy insights directly to you. Then we explore that inevitable transition all relationships go through once the infatuation stage winds down.
Episode Highlights:
[3:28] - Exploring the post-honeymoon transition.
[4:28] - The Role of friendship in sustaining spark.
[6:23] - Getting unstuck from resentment.
[12:59] - How to start difficult conversations.
[18:18] - Identifying and expressing vulnerable feelings.
[21:50] - Importance of physical affection.
[26:36] - Creating distraction-free couple time.
[28:54] - Asking curious questions.
[30:20] - Trying new activities together.
[32:39] - Nurturing connection takes small efforts.
[32:43] - Key takeaways to revive your relationship.
Resources:
For more on this topic visit our website at insightsfromthecouch.org.
If you have questions, please email us at info@insightsfromthecouch.org. We would love to hear from you!
If today's discussion resonated with you or sparked curiosity, please rate, follow, and share "Insights from the Couch" with others. Your support helps us reach more people and continue providing valuable insights. Here’s to finding our purposes and living a life full of meaning and joy. Stay tuned for more!
really learn how to identify your feelings, and build a muscle to take the risk to be vulnerable. Start small, you know, bring things up where you're focused on you and your emotional experience, I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel disappointed. I'm scared. Rather than projecting assumptions onto your partner about their behavior, you'll have a much better chance of being heard. And connection really comes from intimacy is about sharing our emotional experience, including the painful ones. Welcome to insights from the couch. I'm Colette Jane fair, licensed couples therapist,
Laura Bowman:and I'm Laura Bowman, licensed individual therapist, and today we are talking about how to revitalize your status quo, stale relationship with your partner. And Colette is gonna have a ton for us today, because this is what she spends all of her time dealing with in therapy.
Colette Fehr:I know for a second, I thought you were gonna say this is this is what she spends all her time living her style of marriage. No, no, no, no. But I mean, I do think it's relevant for everybody. You know, whether you've been in a relationship for anything longer than the limerence period, which is that initial falling in love stage, how
Laura Bowman:long does that last six months,
Colette Fehr:the research says that it can last, you know, on the outer limits from as little as six months to as long as three years. My personal anecdotal opinion based on doing tons of couples therapy, and having been in many relationships is that it lasts typically for a lot of people about a year. Yeah.
Laura Bowman:And then what happens? It slides into a little bit of routine and predictability. Yeah,
Colette Fehr:there's also the first grand disillusionment that happens in every relationship. You know, when I was younger, I used to think, God, I get along so well, with everyone I date, like, we have no problems. We don't fight. And at that point, we weren't even in conflict avoidance. It's just that in the beginning, you know, like Chris Rock says, going all the way back to the 90s. When you first start dating someone, you're not dating them, you're actually dating their representative representative. Yeah, I've heard this. Yeah, they're like sanitized, better self, right. I mean, I love the me I am in the first year of relationship. I have like, no complaints, nothing negative to say, you know, there's like, you just you're just putting your best foot forward. So I think what happens is the inevitable turn into what can really be an opportunity for real intimacy, as you get to know someone, and you differentiate yourselves, you're a Wii, and you're two separate individuals. But what can go with that is a lot of loss. Even just in the body of all those neuro chemicals that make everything your partner does seem great. You can't get enough of them. Right? You know, they're into, like axe throwing, and suddenly you're like, I love axe throwing. Right? I mean that, would they play video games, you hate video games, but
Laura Bowman:you'll want to play?
Colette Fehr:Right? So I think it's it's anything outside of that time that people have to dig in and get into the real hard work? And then how do you sustain a relationship spark over many years, you've been married a long time.
Laura Bowman:I have and, you know, we definitely started off as friends. So I mean, we have a base of strong friendship. And I think that is the spark. I mean, for all speak for myself, for my marriage. I think that is the spark is that we spend a lot of quality time together, we walk together, we hang we choose each other want to hang out together all the time. We gravitate toward each other, we sit and watch TV at the end of the day, together. So it's it's a lot of quality time and it's a lot of friendship. That is the underpinning of I think whatever spark there is in my marriage. Yeah,
Colette Fehr:yeah. And I have to say, I agree with that. I think just from even a couples therapy perspective, what many people say out there is true that a foundation of friendship is really important. Now their spark that may need to be resuscitated or the flames stoked throughout the years, but it's really hard to get there and keep it without the foundation of friendship. And you know, we're kind of like you I've only been married for eight years. I was married previous Lay you know, for those of you who don't know me, yet, I was married very young, and then divorced and single and dating in several different relationships, many relationships really for a period of about a decade, until about 10 years ago, I met my current husband and I've been married now for I think it's eight years, Math has never been my strong suit. But we to have a really strong foundation of friendship and enjoy spending time together. And I think that's a really healthy and essential quality that shouldn't be dismissed.
Laura Bowman:Now. And, you know, I want to just for our listener, you know, I'm thinking of my clients that come in that have, you know, maybe it's multiple decade, two decades, three decades long marriages plus, and there's this awareness around, I want to create connection with my partner, but there is just a lot of history, there's a lot of build up resentment, there's a lot of I'll get closer to him, when he starts stops doing X, or I'll get closer to her when she stops doing y or starts doing, you know, something I need them to do. And there becomes this gridlock. We're not talking necessarily about gridlock today.
Colette Fehr:No, however, I'm glad you brought that up. And what I would say as a couples therapist is, you know, resentment is drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. I also think it's inevitable sometimes when you feel that you've been mistreated, no one's really saying Bring it on, I want to feel resentful. But I think we owe it to ourselves to try to work through and release some of that by actively working on the relationship. And also, I would argue some of the things that people who don't have stored resentment, and maybe the relationships just gotten stale would do, that would actually maybe help you shed some of that resentment, if you do, I think it's the attitude in a way, sometimes, the choice of, I'm not going to do it because he or she isn't doing it, or because I don't like the way they're treating me. Because then you're really choosing to stay stuck in active disconnection. Instead of choosing you know what, I do have some stored grievances and some things that have pissed me off over the years. But I want this relationship. So I'm going to put some energy into it, I'm going to put some effort and it doesn't mean date night, it means having the hard conversation, talking about your real feelings and feelings or not assumptions about your partner, like you never listen, you're manipulating me feelings are short, clear messages, like when you come home late, and don't call me I feel hurt. That is sharing feelings. And you know, what some people may not realize is the primary way couples feel intimate and close is through sharing painful feelings. It's extremely bonding to talk to your partner that way. So I think it is also for everyone. You know, getting unstuck, to some degree requires maybe doing the very things you most don't want to do. When you feel resentful, and
Laura Bowman:doing those things, even while you're that those hurts haven't been fully processed, like taking a little bit of a risk into that space. Yep, and seeing if you can begin to change the tide. Not saying that you don't like that you wouldn't, you know, benefit greatly from processing these things in something like couples therapy, but that you can begin to like instill your relationship with a little bit of goodwill, no matter where you are.
Colette Fehr:Exactly. You know, low hanging fruit is expressing appreciation, love it, noticing the good, it really makes the difference. And if you are feeling wronged, or ignored, or disconnected, or let's say you're not even really unhappy with your partner, you're just focusing all of your energy on your kids or your career, which I think is one of the most common things and can be a real danger zone. It's an active practice, it is choosing to be intentional about your relationship and invest yourself there. And it doesn't take a ton of time. But it does take a little bit of effort. Like I'll give you an example a small example from my own life that I hadn't even thought of. I had a friend and neighbor friend come by the other day, and she was just sitting in the living room with me chatting while I was taking a break from writing the book and Steve, my husband came home as we were chatting and you know, I got up to give him a kiss and a hug. And then I came back and sat down and he went off and did his thing. And, and she was like, Ah, I learned she's been married for a long time. She was like, I love that you did that, you know, I just noticed that, that you went up and got up and like, kissed him hello and gave him a hug. And she said, you know, we do that too. But I think those are little teeny things that often go in long term relationships. You know, you stop sitting so close together on the couch, you stop cuddling, you stop giving an intentional kiss. hello, goodbye. You stop talking, making eye contact? These are all of the things that feel connection, that it's really easy to say, Yeah, I'm tired. Yeah, you'll be here tomorrow. Yeah,
Laura Bowman:yeah. And, you know, I was just listening to something about the Gottman research. And I know, you know this better than anyone. But they were saying that, you know, this whole idea of negative sentiment override, which is when so many of your interactions become negative. And you're just like, in a deficit of, you know, and the person is so guarded, though, when you're coming towards them, like, what do you what do you have to say? Now, another criticism, another bit of contempt coming my way? And that really that the ratio is that when you're fighting? It should be five positives to one criticism, but that in daily life, and I didn't I'd never heard this before. And I wonder if you've heard it, that it's really 20 to one. Yeah. Yeah, I have heard that. And I was like, wow, I always thought it was five to one, but 20 to one. I mean, think of that 20 Positive bids in terms meaning. I'm paying attention to you. I see you. I'm prioritizing you. I'm just touching my hand on your shoulder. And like letting you know I'm here. 22 one. Yeah.
Colette Fehr:And I think that that speaks to how intentional you have to be. So one of the biggest problems long before some come to couples therapy is that people put their relationship on autopilot. Because when you feel comfortable, and it's you know, everyone's talking about secure attachment right now, which is a wonderful thing, right? It's when you feel safe and secure in your relationship and your emotional energy isn't spent being anxious or preoccupied with worries about just the fundamental integrity of the relationship, as it should be. But with safety can come complacency if you're not careful. And feel safe. Yes. And don't spend all of your time for separating on your relationship. But don't stop fertilizing the garden either. Yeah, nurture it. Mm hmm. So I think a couple things, just to mention, you know, the importance of talking about the hard things, it's natural to be conflict avoidant.
Laura Bowman:Yeah. Can we talk about that? Because this is what's coming up for me is that people don't know where to start with us. And I want to know, the absolute sticking your big toe in the water around a difficult conversation. Because like you said, people do become so conflict avoidant. And they do not know how to have difficult conversations, like you said that layer one is just letting people know, like, you know, when you didn't let me know, you were going to be late for work. Like it just made me it didn't make me feel good. It hurt my feelings. Right? I felt hurt. Right? What's like, if you're now we're taking a step in what about like actually having a complaint? You were saying all the time that like, conflict avoidance is the birthplace of like, the disconnected relationship? And you said, Look, you know, just begin to express your feelings like that's, that's like basic level one, right? You don't hurt me, when you didn't never called and told me, You're going to be home late. But now tell me how do we go to the next level, where I want to either process something that's really, really hurt me or something from the past, where I want to, like circle back around to it, or I want to make a complaint or ask for behavior change. These are things that people stay away from. But I mean, where do you what's the lake? I'm still trying to create connection. And I don't want to blow up the relationship,
Colette Fehr:right? No, this is what my whole books about is having an intentional process that allows you to do that. And it really starts with so first of all, let me just say it's a muscle. It's a muscle that you have to build. And I would suggest starting small taking micro interactions that bother you and starting to practice. Taking a little bit of time I call it a healing hiatus. And this is just a processing time. That's just For you, it's not necessarily anything even that involves your partner. Now, if it comes, if something comes up, that's a trigger for you, you know, your partner throws a zinger you don't like something they do. And then the moment you feel something in your body, then you might need to take some time and space away from them in order to have that processing time. But the most important thing is that you have a little bit of time with yourself to go inside. Notice what you feel, learn to name, your feelings, most relationship things actually have a reactive layer, which is that you'll feel frustration, irritation, some iteration of anger, and then they have a deeper layer. And most of the time in relationships, it's hurt, its sadness, its shame, and most often with or fear. And a lot of people balk at that in couples therapy, because it's like, Oh, I'm not scared, like, you know, I'm going to fall off a mountain. But there's an underlying attachment fear about things that could either jeopardize the relationship, or even simply the fear of, of pain of, you know, hearing something that's hurtful, or taking a risk to be vulnerable and having it not land that is very scary for people because that can feel like rejection. So it is hard, but I would say start small, and spend some time first, as you're learning to address things, some time for yourself to get really clear on what you feel. Recognize that your brain is going to make some meaning about what's happening about your partner, and that you can't necessarily trust those thoughts. They're often generated from emotion. And you know, it's okay to have your own story. But it can be helpful when you say, you know, the story in my mind is that you don't care versus you don't care, which is blaming and accusatory and almost guaranteed, you're gonna get a defensive or dismissive response. So once you identify your feelings, then and you're clear on what that meaning is, you know, the other big pieces, okay? Why does this matter? Your feelings are information processing signals that point you cheer needs. So you're feeling something for a reason, follow that thread. If it's let's just go with the example we're talking about. Now, if it's, I was hurt when you came home late and didn't call, right, there's a need and implicit hidden positive need. And that which is, hey, that hurt my feelings. In the future, it would mean a lot to me, if you could remember to touch base with me when you're running late. So we want to get in the habit of that kind of what I call assertive and vulnerable communication, where you're sharing your feelings, and you're asking for what you need, without any blaming, without assuming your partner's intentions and really owning your experience and the impact your partner has on you. Rather than pointing that way. And starting small.
Laura Bowman:I love that. And I mean, what that shows is that if you want to like reawaken your relationship, or begin, just begin this process of reconnection, so much of it starts with yourself, like knowing how things land in your nervous system, learning what you're making those things mean, getting to those core feelings, those core fears, so you can do a lot of that work with yourself. Yes, like without your partner, even knowing that you're doing that work. Yes, just use slowing down those interactions, and delivering things in a way that people can hear them, right. Like, you know, that just that hurt me or I felt afraid when you didn't call that delivery alone is going to be something different.
Colette Fehr:You are making such a hugely important point. Because while you can never guarantee how your partner will respond, you can do everything right. And you know, they had a bad day, or they haven't done work, or there's a million reasons. What I find a lot in couples therapy is that people think they're being more vulnerable than they are. And so they're sending a signal or they're telling me we'll call it I say, I'm open, I tell the truth. But then I asked for an example of what they've said, and it's what I call an attachment bomb. It's like a huge lob, like, well, I can't stay in this relationship if you're going to behave like that. Okay, that's not maybe that's honest, based on the frame of mind you're in, but it's certainly not vulnerable and that. Yeah, anything that even implicitly or especially explicitly He threatens the relationship is a huge feels like a huge threat to your attachment bond. So I think it's really, really recognizing that spending the time to get clear and regulated in your nervous system, and then come forward, genuinely vulnerably short, clear messages that are vulnerable, is going to invite the best chance possible that you have that your partner can actually hear you and respond to you. And that a relationship is a system. So, you know, if you're throwing an axe at your partner, right, yeah, versus tossing some rose petals, of course, you're gonna get something very different back. And worst case, you don't get the response you're hoping for? Well, that might hurt. You'll be able to handle it, it gives you information on the limits of your relationship, and you can make choices from there.
Laura Bowman:Yeah. And I guess just because we're talking to women, I think I mean, that's our primary audience. And this is a gross probably overgeneralization. But men are very often geared towards physical touch, right? That be like instilling your relationship with a bit of goodwill, can always come through affection and intimacy, and begin a virtuous cycle. Which is, you know, that sounds like women sometimes hear that, like, oh, so I need to, like initiate sex. And that's what's going to, like, make this this marriage feel better. But bringing some of that forward can sometimes give you a lot of goodwill. Yeah.
Colette Fehr:And, you know, also, I think it's important to make the point, you know, there are couples who don't have much of a sex life. And if both people are really okay with that, really, truly okay with that, then that's fine. But there's no one right way. But most of the time, the sexual component of a relationship, you know, there's kind of a couple of pillars and a relationship. There's the caretaking, the love and mindedness, you know, that emotional intimacy, and then there's the sexual part. And with that, let's just say, you know, the physical touch. CO regulation is a big thing. Our nervous systems are actually designed. And this is scientific, you know, however you feel about sex and physical affection doesn't have to come from that either. But our nervous systems are actually designed to regulate twice as fast with somebody else's nervous system as they are alone. So you can co regulate by making eye contact, having physical touch, holding hands, cuddling, hugging, massaging
Laura Bowman:each other's back, yes, yep. Getting really close together. Yeah, exactly.
Colette Fehr:And even there's been research that shows being about 18 inches apart, and holding an eye gaze actually creates co regulation. So you know, even if it's not sex, because I know that's another whole a whole other episode. Yes, we will definitely get into. But having physical affection is a really important and another low hanging fruit way to keep your relationship connected. Yeah. Yeah. And it's good for you individually, it really does have health benefits. I mean, I think that's, that's an important one.
Laura Bowman:And partners very often can get into, like a gridlock thing of like, I'm not going to initiate and, well, he's not initiating, well, I'm not going to initiate and either see if you can be vulnerable and be the first to initiate can send your relationship in a different direction.
Colette Fehr:Yeah, and I don't know if everyone would like this. But I would argue just again, from like a therapy standpoint, that that stance of, well, I'm not going to because you're not going to, you know, that's really not an emotionally mature stance to take to wear a relationship. It's human. I'm not saying I've never felt like that. I'm definitely not saying that. But I think we can have those feelings and then rise above those impulses, and maintain our commitment to the relationship, which is that both parties really should have the mindset of, I'm going to do 100% of my part. And if my partner doesn't, I'm going to address it in a healthy vulnerable way. And if they still don't, and they still don't, and they still don't, but I'm doing my part taking responsibility for my side of the street then I have choices to make about the relationship. There you go.
Laura Bowman:Yeah. So Okay, are there like, Are there kind of some more fun light? Yeah, like, you know, like, look, we have the heart Conversations. Look, we're having sex, I just need to make it a little bit more fun and energetic. And is this where like adventure and novel experiences and yeah, kind of come to play?
Colette Fehr:Absolutely. And there's research that shows that doing something new stimulates the brain in a unique way. So there's also research that shows specifically for couples, that having new experiences, brings some passion to the relationships. So, you know, this may not be realistic for everybody, you know, if you've got little kids at home, or you're in a really demanding phase of your career, but if you do have the time and space, go out and try something new, it doesn't have to be something you do forever, it doesn't have to become a habit. But you know, go midnight kayaking, or something, or sounds dangerous collapse. Okay, I was gonna say Axe Throwing again, right. But just try something totally different go have experience. And it doesn't have to be something you spend a lot of money on. But I would also say, you know, for those who don't have the time to do that, never underestimate the power of also just carving a little bit of undistracted time. Yeah, you know, 10 minutes a day that you don't have your phone, that there aren't kids around. But the TV's not on. You know, I think you don't need a couples therapist to tell you that but people don't do it. That's the catch. People don't do it.
Laura Bowman:Yeah, and I go back to like a little bit of the Gottman one of my favorite interventions he has is and I'm not exactly sure how he couches it. But it's just a conversation, where you're really just listening to your partner. And you're doing instead of offering advice, or interrupting with like, Well, I'm not sure why you handled it that way. Or any kind of criticism. You just have this agreeable, like wow, validating, it's like a validating conversation of holding space, making eye contact, and going like, Oh, my God, that must have been tough for you. Wow, that sounds hard. And just giving your partner space. I don't think we do that. In well established relationships. I think we jump in, I think we are jacked. You know, we have lots of opinions. Can we be the soft place for people to fall? Yeah. And that's a really cool thing. I
Colette Fehr:think that's huge. I think that's really the point of one of the major points of couples therapy is to teach people to do that. Some people aren't doing that with anyone anywhere in their lives. They're too busy trying to talk people out of their feelings or solve problems. And in general, I don't think most people like that. If someone wants that kind of prescriptive advice, they'll certainly ask for it. But in your relationship, it is so powerful. What I hear from couples all day, every day, mostly women. You know, men have been socialized and conditioned to tune into emotions a little less historically. I think that's changing. But what I hear from people is I don't want you to do anything. I want you to just sit here and be with me Be present the engaged. Right that act we call it us therapist, active and listening. I'm just letting you know. And Laura, I feel like this is what you and I do for each other. Yes, friend worse.
Laura Bowman:Yeah. Like no, we're not jumping in with bull will have you have you thought about x? Or why don't you do why? Well, I don't know why you're dealing with this now. It's just a lot of like, wow, yeah, I get it. It must be like that, you know, right and holding space. Can you hold space? And just see how powerful that is? For your partner?
Colette Fehr:Exactly. And if you couple that with curiosity, you know, curiosity, always for yourself, of course. But curiosity about your partner's world showing an interest a genuine interest beyond? How is your day? Good. Okay, let me scroll through Instagram. But like, how was your day? What's happening in your day? What are you scared of? What's keeping you up at night? What do you long to do that isn't happening? I mean, ask your partner some questions. Because over time, we just get like, you know, there's this body in the bed next to us. And if we're not thinking about it, you might know more about the person you sit next to on the bus, you know about what's going on in your partner's head. Yeah,
Laura Bowman:and that's, I mean, something that I love and not everybody loves, like future tripping. I certainly do though. I'm like a big schemer and dreamer. And I mean, we you and I do this with each other a lot. That stresses some people out but I think that in couples it's huge too is like whatever Are we doing next? What's our next? What's our next big thing we're working for? Is there something we want? Is there a goal we want to go for together? Like, never, never, like hold yourself back from a little scheming and dreaming, and planning a vacation? Or just something fun to look forward to? That's, you know, totally yours as a couple.
Colette Fehr:I totally agree. I think that couples have to constantly revise and redefine their goals, their shared vision, you know, what's next? What do we want their value system together, I mean, a relationship is its own living, breathing organism. And I think the big thing that we're talking about here is that you can't just let it be, you know, you can't just let it run in the background and thrive,
Laura Bowman:like an unattended plant, have all just like weather on your window. So exactly. And all these things we're talking about, I love them, I think they're even more important. They're, they're great in the good times, like, you know, don't think that you have to wait for your relationship to be perfect to do these things. Right? These are so great in the bad times, or the hard times, just to get closer to get more sense of unity to like, be aligned with each other. These, this is for all periods. Agreed.
Colette Fehr:And, you know, I know, I'm a couples therapist, so I'm biased to some degree, but really, I just want to throw out there, that couples therapy has changed. And it's not people on the brink of divorce, or they're all coming in post affair. In my office, it's people who are really committed to their relationship, they're getting stuck around communication, you know, they're getting into those negative cycles, because it starts out as like a little fight over nothing. But before you know it, you're fighting about the reactions and counter reactions. So if you're getting stuck, you know, consider a couples therapy. Now I know, some women will say their partner's male or female don't want to go they can't get them there. And that's a challenge sometimes. But you know, maybe you're not sure bring it up, try a session. And if not go to therapy yourself. But I think, try some of these things. First, you'd be amazed that just putting a little bit of effort, even 510 minutes a day, you know, of really nurturing connection can reap huge dividends.
Laura Bowman:I agree. So should we go into the takeaways? Yeah, just
Colette Fehr:recapping, I mean, I think we've covered them all. But the first one first takeaway is really stop avoiding conflict avoidance is the slow silent killer of relationships. If you're not talking about the hard things, you have no conflict, your relationship is either disconnected, detached, or heading there is not
Laura Bowman:a good sign. If you're like people who brag about not fighting, like don't say that to you out loud in front of therapists. It's like nah. We don't think that's a good sign.
Colette Fehr:It's not a good sign. And now, you know, of course, and will I'm sure we'll do a whole episode on this at some point, there's a difference between constructive conflict and destructive conflict, and you want to make it constructive. So you know, the second tip takeaway is really learn how to identify your feelings, and build a muscle to take the risk to be vulnerable, start small, you know, bring things up, where you're focused on you and your emotional experience, I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel disappointed. I'm scared. Rather than projecting assumptions on to your partner about their behavior, you'll have a much better chance of being heard. And connection really comes from intimacy is about sharing our emotional experience, including the painful ones. And then the third is physical affection. I'm separating this completely from sex. Sex, of course, is a bonding activity, not discouraging anyone from that. But if for some reason, you know you're not in a phase of life or there are challenges for your sex life, be affectionate. It is really, really important. We're designed to be close to touch. It helps us regulate our nervous systems. And I think number four is setting aside dedicated time that is undistracted for you and your partner, even if it's only five or 10 minutes a day. If you only have one minute, make it one minute. It's like mindfulness, right? It doesn't matter. It's the it's the fact that you do it. that you put down your phone, that you turn off all the distractions that you look at your partner, and you have some little time that you're connected and curious about each other. And really, to your great point, Laura, actively listening, holding space for them. And the last one that I think is really important as a takeaway is novel experiences. You don't have to spend a lot of money, it doesn't have to be a lot of time. But go out and do something new together, even if it's going for a walk and taking a totally different route, or driving down the road and walking in a different neighborhood. We know that lights up the brain for passion and connection. So take advantage of these things that are free and easy. It's really about being intentional.
Laura Bowman:And for more information on this, go to our website at insight from the couch.org we will list all of these things if you are not hearing them or retaining them, we will make a more comprehensive download for you so that you can take these things home and begin to practice them.
Colette Fehr:Yeah, yeah. Because your relationships, your greatest resource in life. It's worth it to nurture it.
Laura Bowman:Amen. So thank you so much for tuning in today and I hope you got some insights or mark out. See you next time.