Can Jessica Sheurguerk hang on to the #1 Spot?

The May 6, 2024 episode of America's Top 13 Hitz features today's greatest pop stars like the biggest star in the world Tylie Lyler, hip-hop icon Dro, sultry singer/songwriter Lala Calabasas, hardcore punk sickos The F'ing Psychos, British superstar Gus Burbridge, West Coast rap legend Lawyer Lamar, country music star Barth Scrutts, and so many more! Also, our “Blast From the Past” song takes us all the way back to 1981! And of course, there is also our Depressing Listener Request!

We'd also like to thank our sponsors for this week: Just For Guys Hair Color, the hot new comedy film "Hot Guys Go Undercover as Little Kids to Sell School Candy Bars to Pay for Their Alimony" starring Zach Rafler and Ed Groobledoo. And go get your degree online at The University of P*ss!

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If you're interested in learning Sketch Comedy Writing online from Eric, you can take his popular classes from anywhere in the world at:
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Transcript

ERIC: Will British star Gus Burbridge finally jump into our Top 10? Will the reunited band Behead All The CEO’s reclaim their early 2000s chart dominance? Or will Tylie Lyler continue her Spring Break momentum into the Summer. Find out all of this and so much more on this week’s America’s Top 13 Hitz.

ANNOUNCER: Global Corporate Radio in association with X.O.M. Satellite Radio proudly present "America’s Top 13 Hitz!" Brought to you by: Lucky Chucky Cereal, "Lucky Chucky: No bugs!" The hot new comedy film "Hot Guys Go Undercover as Little Kids to sell School Candy Bars to Raise Money For Their Alimony" streaming right now on Youpay! And sponsored in part by: The University of Piss! 

ERIC: Welcome to America’s Top 13 Hitz! I’m Eric Moneypenny. We’ve got a great show lined up today with so many of your favorite stars from the world of pop such as Dro, Lala Calabasas, The Fucking Psychos, and so many more gunning for that Number One Spot! As we do every show, we first take a look at our last show’s number #1. You may remember it was Jessica Sheurguerk with “I’m Gaslighting Grandma”

LYRICS
Hiding your glasses
Moving them around
Making you think you're losing your mind
Changing the channel when you're not looking
Grandma
Don't you know it's just a little prank

Gaslighting Grandma
Making her think
That she's losing her memory
Playing tricks
But it's all in good fun
Can't you see?
Gaslighting Grandma
You know me.
Gaslighting Grandma
Gaslighting Grandma
Gaslighting Grandma

ERIC: Unfortunately, Jessica will not be reclaiming that Number One spot this week. She was arrested in Ohio for multiple accounts of Felony Elder Abuse. So while Jessica’s 101% cancelled, that just means we’ll have an All New Number One! Kicking off our charts this week at Number 13 is the new single from Country superstar Barth Scrutts. As you know, Barth has recently moved from Nashville to Los Angeles because he wants to pay more taxes. But, living in So Cal can present its own unique challenges. As you’ll hear in our Number 13 song “I can’t go to Joshua Tree”.

NUMBER 13!

"I CAN'T GO TO JOSHUA TREE" LYRICS:
I can't go to Joshua Tree, 
cause I'm scared of driving on the 10.
Everybody drives so fucking fast, 
almost fly off the side of a mountain.

I'm scared of the windmill winds,
that almost flip my Ford Focus.
I can't go to Joshua Tree, 
cause I don't like how fucking hot it is.

It's so fucking hot during the day, 
but at night I fucking freeze. 
I don't hike or like cowboy shit, 
so fuck Josh and his tree.

What's the point of Joshua Tree if you're not on fucking drugs?
Spent too much on Air BNB, but I'm sleeping on a fucking bus.
What's the point of Joshua Tree if you're not on fucking drugs?
I can just stay at home in LA, and get bit by snakes and bugs.
I can't go to Joshua Tree, because it kinda fucking sucks.

ERIC That was “I Can’t Go to Joahua Tree” by Barth Scrutts. So. R obots. They’re a thing. They’re in our homes. They’re everywhere. But do you love them. I know one person who does. That’s right: Sheree. And you’re gonna hear all about it in our Number 12 song: as Sheree sings "Robot Love".

NUMBER 12!

"ROBOT LOVE" LYRICS
Metal heart
Electric soul
A love story that's out of control
A woman and a robot
An unlikely pair
But somehow
A miracle occurred there

One day the sparks flew
Emotions ignited
The Robot's circuits
My heart
Excited
A love so unique
A bond so tight
He knew in his circuits
This felt so right

I loved a Robot
I got the Robot pregnant.
The Robot was a man.
The Robot Man Got Pregnant.

Robot love
Metal belly stretching
We called the University
They were really confused
But impressed
A robot with a human baby
We won the Nobel Sex Prize.

I loved a Robot
I got the Robot pregnant.
The Robot was a man.
The Robot Man Got Pregnant.

ERIC: That song was based on a true story, and we wish continued happiness to Sheree, that Robot, and their beautiful half-human child Sheree 001010, Jr.  Debuting in our charts this week at 11 are our old friends from the hardcore punk scene: The Fucking Psychos. The Chicago band and their controversial frontman Soft Phil Steele just keep reaching new heights of success, even though nobody likes them. So coming in at #11 is The Fucking Psychos with “King of the Streets.”

NUMBER 11!
"KING OF THE STREETS" LYRICS:
Livin' fast, Breakin' rules,
Doin' what I please!
Nothin' can hold me back!

I'm the king of the streets!
I paint the town red!
Just try to mess with me,
You'll wind up in huge trouble!

My Brother's a Cop! 
My Other Brother's a Cop! 
My Sister's a Lawyer! 
And my Mom's a Judge! 
And they all love me!

I do what I want.
Nobody can stop me.
One time I got arrested. 
And my parents got that cop fired.

This band is my life.
Punk rock is my life.
But I got accepted to law school.
And the Police Academy.

With many letters of recommendation!

My Brother's a Cop! 
My Other Brother's a Cop! 
My Sister's a Lawyer! 
And my Mom's a Judge! 
And my Dad's the Governor!
My Dad's the Governor!
My Dad's the Governor!

ERIC: Phil Steele’s brothers are cops, his sister’s a lawyer, his mom is a judge, and his dad’s the Governor. Be he failed to mention his Grandfather. Who is a convicted child molester. I guess the ol’ Gov couldn’t get Grandpa out of that pickle. We’ve got 10 more hits to go, and we’ll be right back on America’s Top 13 Hitz.

COMMERCIAL: Organic Mart
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COMMERCIAL: UNIVERSITY OF PISS
OLDER LADY: I earned my bachelor's degree years ago, but I've just felt stuck. I had a job, but I DIDN'T have a career. 
MAN: I’ve spent 17 years as the guy who dresses and undresses Crash Test Dummies. I get to keep the clothes and kiss the dummies. But that’s not what I want in the future. YOUNG WOMAN: I was unemployed, and didn’t know what to do with my life. I was so bored that I just put the Christmas Tree up, decorating it, and then taking it right back down. I did that 3 times a day, in March and April.
OLDER LADY: It was time to head online. To study at the University of Piss.
MAN: It was time to go to Piss.
WOMAN: It was time. To go to piss.
SPOKEPERSON: The University of Piss’s online degree program is a golden opportunity. Don’t be bogged down in a job you hate. Relieve yourself in one of our many online 2-year programs. You’ll be overflowing with career possibilities, so you can get GOOD jobs. Real jobs. Jobs like Pretending to Be a Lawyer, Motorcycle Borrower, Backflip Teacher, Therapist for Parakeets, and Astronaut Puncher. You may not feel like you need to go to Piss. But you’ll feel so much better after you did. Check us out today at PISS.edu. The University of Piss: We’re Number One.

ERIC: Welcome back to America’s Top 13 Hitz! We just had 3 new songs debut in our Top 13, which means we have to say goodbye to 3 songs from last week. Those are: “I’m a C-Section Baby” by Easy Kelvin, “It’s Sassy Time” by Supersassy, and “The Differences between Alligators & Crocodiles, It’s Not Just The Snout” by DJ Jessica and the Australian Federation of Wildlife. Maybe we’ll see those back in the charts next time, but not today as we head into our Top 10!

SINGER: It's the TOP 10!

ERIC: Coming in at Number 10 is another party anthem from our friends El Perro and the South Beach Sound Charade. This is “Pizza Guy Don’t Wanna Dance.”

Number 10!
"PIZZA GUY DON'T WANNA DANCE" LYRICS
Let the Pizza Guy in the party
Yo
He needs to drop off the pizzas
Here we go
Stop dancing 'round the Pizza Guy
My friends
He's got our pizzas
Let the Pizza Guy in the party.

Pizza Guy don't wanna dance
He's on his shift
You're gonna make him late
For his other deliveries.
I appreciate the energy
Stop dancing round the Pizza Guy
I need to check the order
To make sure we got 3 Gluten Frees.

Pizza Guy
Don't wanna dance
Leave him alone
I need to see the pies
Pizza Guy
Oh
He's a good sport
Just let him do his job
All night

Pizza Guy don't wanna dance,
leave him alone!
Don't take off his red hat.
That's part of his uniform.
Stop horsing around
Stop dancing with the Pizza Guy
I need to tip him in cash
I forgot to tip him on the online order.

Pizza Guy
Don't wanna dance
Leave him alone
I need to see the pies
Pizza Guy
Oh
He's a good sport
Just let him put the pizza down
All night

Pizza Guy
Don't wanna dance
Leave him alone
We're all pretty hungry
Pizza Guy
Oh
Don't make him dance
Just let him put the pizza down
All night

[spoken word]
I apologize for my friends.

ERIC: That was El Perro & The South Beach Sound Charade with “Pizza Guy Don’t Wanna Dance”. Coming in at Number 9 is an inspiring ballad from a British Singer-Songwriter who is well known for his selfishness in regards to joining group activities at his local gym. Especially in basketball. You know who I’m talking about. This is Gus Burbridge. With “On my Own” Number 9!

"ON MY OWN" LYRICS
I'm in the gym
Don't wanna ball
Not here for the game
Not at all
All I came to do is to shoot
Ball by myself
Don't need a team
I just wanna shoot on the side.

Full court game
Not my thing
Got bad ankles
And a sore hamstring
I'm on my own
Just me and the hoop
No competition
Not run with your crew

I don't wanna play basketball
I just wanna shoot by myself
That's all
No need for a full court game
You see
Just let me do my thing
Let me be

I know you have
Just 9 guys
I know you can't
Play 5-on-5
Maybe do 4-on-4
And one guy can sub
I don't wanna play
I just want to shoot on the side.

I don't wanna play basketball
I just wanna shoot by myself
That's all
No need for a full court game
You see
Just let me do my thing
Fine. I'll play for like 5 minutes.

ERIC: That was Gus Burbridge finally cracking that Top 10 with On My Own. Number 8 this week comes from a man who burst on the West Coast Rap scene nearly 40 years ago, and now is more known as the CEO of Bots Microphones. Of course I’m talking about Lawyer Lamar. Lamar’s almost a billionaire, but he’s not afraid to make a sensible purchase. Which he tells us about in our Number 8 song. this is Lawyer Lamar with “Used Prius”.

"USED PRIUS" LYRICS
Gas Prices High, and I’m sick of the pump. 
Driving Gas Guzzlers put you outta luck. 
Making a change in my life that's very serious. 
That’s why I just bought myself a Used Prius. 

Drivin slow ass off the dealer lot. 
Everybody making fun of me until they’re not. 
Hybrid car, got drivin’ feeling like a cheat code. 
Less gas, got me dependin’ less on foreign oil. 

Pull into Whole Foods feelin’ like imma God! 
Til I see I’m drivin’ same car as 50 Soccer Moms. 
This car so common it’s got me feelin’ kinda plain. 
Don’t care, I'm drivin’ solo in the carpool lane.

Ain’t doin’ this cuz I care about the environment. 
Fuck Birds.
I just care how my money’s spent. 
Fuel efficient car, I got the best one. 
Bought this car cause I fuckin hate Tesla.

My Used Prius,
Got my Used Prius.
I fucking love this car,
Love driving this Used Prius.

You wanna make fun of my car you outta luck.
Can’t hear me comin it’s quiet as fuck. 
Car run so quiet everybody is almost sleepin’. 
Til I go in reverse and the thing starts beepin’.

Fast cars, strong cars, I’ve driven them all.
Now I’m lookin like I’m drivin’ a piece of Tylenol. 
Don’t care, reliability’s a thing I love.
Except the battery, that's super duper expensive.

ERIC: Lamar’s right, those batteries are super duper expensive! When we come back after the break, we’ll start digging into our Top 7 and also have this week’s “Blast From The Past!” Only on America’s Top 13 Hitz!

COMMERCIAL: THE KEN EAGLE SHOW
ANNOUNCER: He has the hottest takes in Political Talk.
KEN EAGLE Listen up! If this Commie President wants to boost the economy, I got an idea! Give each Dog a Gun!
ANNOUNCER: He’s the one and only Ken Eagle! 
KEN EAGLE: This is America! Ben Franklin didn’t get struck by lighting so you people can try to stop me from choking a baby in public!
ANNOUNCER: You can’t fit Ken in any political box!
KEN EAGLE: You want ME to pay taxes!?! Are you crazy!?! Nobody should pay taxes! In fact the government should pay every single person a million dollars a week! I’m so pro-abortion, I think they should be done on the beach at a beautiful 5-star resort while you get a terrific massage!
ANNOUNCER: And sometimes, even Ken doesn’t even know what he’s saying!
KEN EAGLE If the governor of Commie-fornia wants to keep turning it into a Prison State, then maybe he should do something about the 4.2 Million ice cream cones we're  losing per month to China! 
ANNOUNCER: The Ken Eagle Show! Weekdays 7 to 10PM on News Goat!  XOM Satellite Radio Channel 789.

COMMMERCIAL: 1-877-COWS 4 KIDS 
LYRICS: 
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COMMERCIAL: JUST FOR GUYS NOSE HAIR COLOR
ANNOUNCER: And now, Eric Moneypenny for Just For Guys Hair Color.
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For the past 102 years, I’ve been slathering that stuff all over the hairiest parts of my body. My head hair, my armpits, both belly buttons, my kneecaps, and the bottom of my feet. But I hadn’t been using Just For Guys on the biggest part of my body: My nose. Well now I can with all-new Just For Guys Nose Hair Color. My nose hair’s had grays for over a century, and I know it looks distinguished, but sometimes beautiful women mistake my gray nose hair for boogers and snot. Well not anymore. With Just For Guys Nose Hair Color. Just for Guys Nose Hair Color is so easy to use. Just put on the gloves, mix up the color into a nice gooey slop, then use the special applicator straw to snort it all up. And if ya want a tip, make sure to stick multiple fingers up both nostrils and mix it around really well. Then all you have to do is wait for 19 hours. 

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WOMAN: Wow, Eric Moneypenny, your nose hair is painted black, I don’t even mind that it’s really long, and dangling well outside of your nostrils.

ERIC: And she’ll like it too. Go to JustForGuys.com, Enter the promo code ERIC to pay 50% more. Just For Guys Nose Hair Color. It smells weird. But it works.

ERIC MONEYPENNY COAST TO COAST!

ERIC: We’re down to our top 7, but before that, it’s time for our Blast From the Past.
JINGLE: "America's Top 13 Hitz presents the Blast From the Past with Eric Moneypenny!
ERIC: This week’s Blast From the Past takes us all the way back to the year 1981. In the 1970s, Reggae music exploded in popularity thanks to Jamaican acts like Bob Marley, Jimmy Cliff, and Toots and The Maytals. Followed by British acts like The Clash, Culture Club, and The Police. The Brits colonized Jamaica for over 200 years, stealing their sugarcane, their freedom, and then laterm their music. So here’s our Blast from the Past. The number 3 Song From May 1981, It’s The Pigs with “Why Are We Doing Reggae?” 

"WHY ARE WE DOING REGGAE? (WE’RE BRITISH)" LYRICS
Why are we doing Reggae?
Why are we doing Reggae?
Why are we doing Reggae?

We're British. This is weird.

Why are we doing Reggae?
We're British. This is weird.
It speaks to really weird stuff.
Some British people are weird.
But not us?
I guess that's what we're trying to say.

Why are we doing Reggae?
Why are we doing Reggae?
Why are we doing Reggae?

Pork and beans,
Rain and mud.
Beautiful beaches?
It don't add up.

Why are we doing Reggae?
Why are we doing Reggae?
Why are we doing Reggae?

This is embarrassing in 43 years.

ERIC: At least The Pigs were self-aware, and it is a catchy tune. It’s now time for Number 7. Our number 7 band is the most controversial rap rock band of the late 1990s and early 2000s. Of course I’m talking about those icons from Behead All The CEOs. Behead fans have been waiting two decades for a new album, and they have put out a banger. But does the band still have their edge now that they’re really rich and almost 60 years old? You tell me. At Number 7, This is Behead All The CEOs with “No Spaghetti on My Dad’s Yacht”

Number 7!

"NO SPAGHETTI ON MY DAD’S YACHT" LYRICS
Don't wanna see no pasta on my Daddy's boat!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!
Why I gotta remind you?
The sauce too saucy!
The mess too messy!
Gotta keep this yacht clean!
Or my dad gets super pissed!

I ain't tryna slip on some slippery noodles!
When I'm cruisin' on the water fighting for the people!
No meatballs rollin'!
No marinara drippin'!
No Spaghetti no more!
Spaghetti stays on shore!

No spaghetti on the Yacht!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!

On October 12, 2023, CIA Operatives hacked into the computer system at Eddie Spaghetti's Meat Sauce Factory. This cyberattack shut down Eddie Spaghetti's Factory for over 19 hours. This is a good thing. I love the CIA.

No spaghetti on the Yacht!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!
No spaghetti on the Yacht!

ERIC: Coming in at Number 6 is a sultry SoCal singer/songwriter for whom no lyrical topic is off limits. At Number 6 this is Lala Calabasas with “Dog Pissed in the Elevator.” Number 6!

"DOG PISSED IN THE ELEVATOR" LYRICS:
I was walking down my apartment hallway, just like I do every single day.

But today I couldn't have it my way, it smelled the opposite of a bouquet.

A dog pissed in the elevator. 
Dog pissed in the elevator.
I love dogs so I cannot hate her. 
But she pissed in the elevator.

A dog pissed in the elevator.
Dog pissed in the elevator.
Somebody took to long to walk her. 
So she pissed in the elevator.

Luna's the dog in 301.
Terrier mixed with Pomeranian.
Seen Luna around I think she's fun. 
But her piss smells like vomit & Funyons.

A dog pissed in the elevator.
Dog pissed in the elevator.
This smell will probably stay here.
So now I'm taking the stairs.

ERIC: We’ve all been there at some point Lala! Our next artist at Number 5 brings us a song where we’ve all been there too. This pop act recently lost some family members after being politically radicalized. At Number 5, here’s “Facebook Ruined My Cousin” by Grickedydoo Cunderpunt.

Number 5!
"FACEBOOK RUINED MY COUSIN" LYRICS
Facebook ruined my cousin. 
Completely broke his brain.
Justin used to be normal. 
Now he's riding the Q train.

I thought Q Anon was over. 
He still wants to expose elites.
He's farther right than Alex Jones,
I had to block his posts and tweets.

He's deep in Facebook groups. 
He thinks he's watching the Watchers.
But he can't be right about anything,
When he listens to Aaron Rodgers.

Ohhhh, 
Facebook ruined my cousin. 
He's waiting for the Apocalypse.
And now he buys weird Army food. 
And thinks every celebrity dates kids.

Tom Hanks don't like kids. 
Likes his own, but not like that.  
But don't tell that to Justin.
Or that the Earth is not flat.

Tom Hanks don't like kids,
Likes his own, but not like that.
But don't tell that to Justin.
He thinks Jan 6 was a false flag.

Facebook ruined my Cousin. 
Facebook may have ruined yours.
The only saving grace for Zuckerberg, 
is that Elon Musk is worse!

ERIC: Jan 6 was not a false flag. But a quarter of Americans still believe that. Amazing. And I can’t believe that anybody could actually think that-

RADIO STINGER: Eric Moneypenny Coast to Coast!

ERIC: I’ve been told by the sponsors to not get political on this show. So I won’t. This country is divided, but we all like money. I know I do. Coming in at number 4 is the Punk Pop band Whiny 619y. Whiny broke up when their co-lead vocalist Ted McLengthy the band to pressure the US government to release all their info about Chupacabras. But Ted lost all his money in crypto, so now he’s back. Ted’s recently downsized his living situation and no longer lives in a place with a dishwasher. So at number 4, this is Whiny 619-y with “Dirty Dishes.”

"DIRTY DISHES" LYRICS
I Hate Dirty Dishes,
I Hate Dirty Dishes!
I Hate That My Sink Is Full of Dirty Dishes,
I Hate Washing Dishes!
I Hate Washing Dishes!
I Hate Spending My Time Washing Filthy Dishes. 

I don’t know when I messed up. 
I cooked and then I didn’t clean up. 
And now my sink is all filled up. 
And now these dishes are all piled up. 

I’m looking and these plates are gross.
What are those crumbs? I think it’s toast!
My sponge is ready, my sleeves are rolled. 
What’s that black stuff? I think it’s mold!

These dishes been dirty for like two weeks. 
I’m cleaning this bitches until they squeak. 
I can’t believe I put off this chore. 
When did I use 200 forks?

I Hate Dirty Dishes 
I Hate Dirty Dishes 
I Hate That My Sink Is 
Full of Dirty Dishes. 
I Hate Washing Dishes 
I Hate Washing Dishes  
I Hate Spending My Time 
Washing Filthy Dishes. 

I wish I had a dishwash machine. 
But don’t have a hookup by my sink.
Thought it was cuz my Landlord is cheap. 
But my building was built in 1963. 

Wash these glasses and wash these plates. 
Wash this mug and this cheese grate. 
Washing all these dishes is so much work. 
Scrubbing a knife like I’m going beserk. 

I Hate Dirty Dishes 
I Hate Dirty Dishes 
I Hate That My Sink Is Full of Dirty Dishes

ERIC: This summer, Whiny 619y will be headlining the Mangled Tour. Catch Whiny kicking off Mangled on Memorial Day Weekend at the Santa Inebria Explodium. You kids be careful out there. When we come back out we’ll have our Depressing Listener Request and our Top 3 of America’s Top 13 Hitz!

ANNOUNCER: This week’s America’s Top 13 Hitz is brought to you by the new film Hot Guys Go Undercover to Pretend They’re Little Kids to Sell School Candy Bars To Raise Money for Their Alimony. 

MOVIE TRAILER: HOT GUYS GO UNDERCOVER TO PRETEND THEY’RE LITTLE KIDS TO SELL SCHOOL CANDY BARS TO RAISE MONEY FOR THEIR ALIMONY 

ANNOUNCER: From Failing Motion Pictures and Streaming Now on YouPay! 
ED GROOBLEDOO: Two thousand dollars a month in Alimony? I can’t afford this! ZACH RAFLER: Dude, I owe 2500. But I’ve got a plan.
(scene change) 
ZACH RAFLER We’ll take two kids wigs, please.
SKEPTICAL CASHIER For what?
ED GROOBLEDOO Um...Halloween? 
SKEPTICAL CASHIER: Halloween my ass. Halloween was last week.
(record needle scratch)
PRINCIPAL: What do you mean somebody stole our school’s fundraiser candy bars!?! ED GROOBLEDOO: Dude, we have big bushy beards! Nobody’s gonna think we’re 5th graders! 
ZACH RAFLER: Stop your whining, and just trust me.
(doorbell) 
ZACH RAFLER Hello Missus Grown Up Lady, would you be interested in buying some candy bars to raise money for our 5th grade field trip? We’re 5th graders. 
LADY: Wait a second. Ben? Greg!?! 
ED GROOBLEDOO: Oh shit! 
ANNOUNCER: Starring Zach Rafler. 
ZACH RAFLER: I can't believe they let us into a strip club! 
ANNOUNCER: And, Ed Groobledoo. 
ED GROOBLEDOO: You spent ALL our candy bar sales on HALF a lapdance!?! ANNOUNCER In Hot Guys Go Undercover As Little Kids to Sell School Candy Bars to Raise Money for their Alimony. Streaming Right Now on YouPay! YouPay: Yeah we raise our subscription prices every fucking year! 

COMMERCIAL: EMPS SPORTS RADIO
JINGLE: EMPS Sports Radio! XOM Satellite Radio! Channel 396 The Dominator! ANNOUNCER There’s a brand new weekday show coming to EMPS The Dominator! Our new Sports Betting Show, “LOCK HIM UP” with Gross Throat Purcell.
GROSSTHROAT: Seattle & Dallas, take the over. Take the under. Take the over take the under take the over plus/minus 13.5 with the points and that’s a lock.
GROSSTHROAT: I lost 16K on the Columbus Shitkickers/Florida Oklahomans game and I don’t give a shit. Take Columbus in the Rematch, throw a little cheeeese on Florida plus 74.5 And that’s a lock.
GROSSTHROAT: The coach of the Buffalo Bozos choked that last one to Houston. I’m sending Mad Tony to blow up his car, take Sacramento 4.5 Pulled Hamstrings and that’s a lock.
GROSSTHROAT: My blood pressure is 234 over 129, but after this cheeseburger and cigar I bet I can get the bottom number over 140 and that’s a lock!
GROSSTHROAT: The IRS is in the studio asking for 38K but I’m betting 249K I don’t have that 35K and that’s a lock.
ANNOUNCER: It's Lock Him Up with Gross Throat Purcell! Weekdays 2AM to 1PM!

ERIC: Welcome back to the show, we’re down to our Top 3. It’s The Top 3! ERIC Our number 3 song comes from opinionated Nashville star Kaylee Caseyfogk. This song’s crossed over from the Country genre, becoming a huge pop hit across the USA. At number 3 this is “I Wanna Speak To Your Manager”

Number 3!
"I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER" LYRICS
I walked into this Applebees,
To order food from the commies!
They said take off your MAGA hat,
It don't take nothin to get me mad!
It took too long to get a waiter,
When she showed up I hated her!
I screamed "I'll just have some fries",
She said "Ma'am, you're not being nice!"

I wanna speak to your manager!
I don't care if your feelins are hurt!
I wanna speak to your manager!
I hate you and want you fired!

My fries arrived way too hot,
So I blew a fucking gasket!
They said please stop screamin',
Well ya'll can't hear what I'm meanin'!
They said my eyes are buggin way out,
And my fingernails are pointed straight at their snouts!
They asked if they could do anything to help,
No, I'm gonna terrorize you on Yelp!

I wanna speak to your manager!
I just want every one of you fired!
I wanna speak to your manager!
I screamed at Applebee's til I lost my voice!

ERIC: Who hasn’t screamed at an Applebees until they lost their voice. It’s just fun. Coming in at Number 2 is a hip-hop icon from the hip-hop capital of the world: Toronto, Canada. Sometimes we buy a phone and it just doesn’t work. It’s a dud. So at Number 2, here’s Dro. With “My Phone Sucks.”

Number 2!

"MY PHONE SUCKS" LYRICS
My phone sucks. 
It cost like 1300 bucks. 
My phone sucks. 
It sucked from right out the box. 

My phone sucked from almost Day 1. 
It’s a piece of fucking shit and it’s slow as fuck. 
Use it 5 minutes and it gets fucking hot. 
If you don’t think it fucking freezes, you better think not. 
Battery is fucking crap I can’t leave apps run. 
Use GPS in the car and that fucking battery’s done. 
Can’t run certain apps or it always fucking crashes. 
The fucking Camera sucks with or without flashes. 
And I’m always getting kicked off the fucking network. 
And I’m always trying to get the fucking piece of shit to work.
All the time it turns off fucking randomly. 
That shouldn’t happen since I paid so fucking handsomely. 
The fucking screen’s cracked cause I fucking dropped it once. 
So one fucking time I texted and cut my fucking thumb. 
The fucking shit’s not covered under fucking warranty 
So why’s the fucking phone even have a fucking warranty?
I finally took it into the fucking shop. 
They said “get a new fucking phone cuz this one fucking sucks”. 
But I ain’t eligible for a fucking upgrade. 
Who cares, the new phone’s the same shit with a different fucking name.

ERIC: Before we get to our Number 1 song, it’s time for our weekly America’s Top 13 Hitz Depressing Listener Request. This week’s letter comes from Stacy Gothstein of Pickle Patch, Florida. Stacy writes: 

Dear Eric, 

My husband recently left me to follow his dream of driving a Sprite Zero delivery truck. My entire world was shattered. I don’t have any living family or friends, I just lost my job. And my pet bird named Air Marshal Julie, killed herself. I was so depressed, I made 7 quarts of Chili and ate it all in one sitting. The only problem was, I forgot to plug in the slowcooker, and I ate four pounds of raw ground beef. Eric, I’ve had Food Poisoning for the past 96 hours, and needless to say, I could really use a song that speaks to me. Eric, can you play “I’ve had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours” by German Doug?

Sincerely,
Stacy Gothstein Pickle Patch, Florida. Well actually not Pickle Patch, it’s actually a smaller unincorporated neighborhood called Catleash, we redistricted during COVID, okay now she’s talking about masks, oh god. Oh, she actually liked masks, um, I guess that's good. And...wow, there's a lot of stuff here so I'm skimming down. And we’re about 26 minutes out of Sarasota if that helps. 

ERIC: Well Stacy, that does help. And I wanna help you. So here’s “I’ve Had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours” by German Doug. 

LYRICS
My lover left me. 
To drive a delivery truck.
I have no family. 
No friends, No bird.
My pet bird killed herself.
I'm so sad.

I know what will cheer me up!
4 pounds of ground beef.
Oh no, 
I forgot to cook it. 
I ate it straight from the package, like a Grizzly Bear at the grocery store.

I've had Food Poisoning For The Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours. 

I used to live
in a small town,
but the town's leadership 
disagreed during COVID
now we started a new town
It's about 26 miles outside Stuttgart

I've had Food Poisoning For The Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning!
I've had Food Poisoning For The Past 96 Hours. 
I've had Food Poisoning!
I've had Food Poisoning For the Past 96 Hours.

ERIC: Stacy, you hang in there. I can only speak for myself and every single one of my listeners that we’ve all been in that exact situation. Give or take all of it.

And if you’d like YOUR request played on this show, it’s simple. First, Venmo 20,000 dollars to Eric dash Moneypenny. Then, send your letter to my team in a social media DM. My team’s handle is @ericmoneypenny on both Instagram AND The Electric Car Salesman’s Scream Machine. And if my team finds your letter sad and pathetic enough to make me and all of my fans depressed, we’ll play your request right here on the show.

SINGER: "Eric Moneypenny Coast-to-Coast!"

ERIC It’s time for our number 1 Top Hit of the week. Our Number 1 song this week was this year’s Spring Break Anthem, but it’s looking like it’s gonna be the Song of the Summer. Another huge hit from the biggest artist in the world. We know her, we love her. She’s Tylie Lyler. And Tylie’s got this week’s Number One. This is “Staying in Daytona” by Tylie Lyler.

SINGER: It's the Top Hit of the Week! It's Number 1!

"STAYING IN DAYTONA" LYRICS
Spring break,
Yeah it's here.
Feel the vibe in the air.
Sandy beaches,
Sunny skies,
Not a single care.
I love Daytona,
My best life is here.
So I'm gonna stay,
And drink every single day.

I love getting drunk. 
I think I've finally found myself. 
This is what I was put here to do. 
And I don't mind drinking 
from the bottom shelf.
That stuff's really cheap. 
And it does the job. 
I can drain my life savings. 
And drink until I barf.

Spring Breaking Forever!
Going back to school never!
Not worried about my liver!
Spring Breaking Forever!
Having fun in Daytona!
Gimme another Corona!
This is my new persona!
Don't want my diploma!

Mom called,
She's really pissed.
Dad called,
He won't be missed. 
They said 
I'll flunk out of school.
I said,
"I want a face tattoo."

Spring Breaking Forever!
Doing coke whenever!
Not worried about my septum!
Spring Breaking Forever!
Got a job as a dancer!
Those tips are the answer!
Not going back to New Hampshire!
Party til I get pancreatic cancer.

ERIC: And there you have it. This week’s America’s Top 13 Hitz. The hits were compiled by this week’s Top 100 chart presented by Shillboard. If you have a letter or question, send it to @ericmoneypenny on Instagram or The Electric Car Salesman’s Scream Machine. This show was recorded in Hollywood at Bad Mic Studios. America’s Top 13 Hitz is a presentation of Global Corporate Radio and XOM Satellite Radio as they both try to put each other out of business. Produced by Marcia Sunofsky. And if you prefer listening to this in podcast form where it won’t be released weekly, but it WILL be released on a semi regular schedule, hey, let’s shoot for monthly, then please Subscribe, Download, and give us a good rating and review. This is Eric Moneypenny, and until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep your chin up! So you can just keep taking those hits.

OUTRO: Singer sings "America's Top 13 Hitz with Eric Moneypenny!" over and over.