Who won the Rap beef between Kenny Lenny vs. Dro? The Father's Day and 4th of July episode!

This week's Top 13 HITZ features some of today's greatest pop stars! We dig into the huge rap beef between Kenny Lenny & Dro, also alt-pop sensation Millie Dimpletz, Nashville country star Corbin Gallons, pop star Mariana Anaana, British singer/songwriter Timmy Fashion, hip hop/R&B star Thoughtfulrella, and so many more! Also our “Blast From the Past” song takes us all the way back to June 14, 1980! And of course, there is also our Depressing Listener Request! It's our Father's Day / 4th of July Episode!

We'd also like to thank our sponsors for this week: Just Bones, The Bo Potato Show, Dave's Fireworks, and The 2024 Presidential Debate.

This is really a scripted Sketch Comedy podcast hosted & written by Eric Moneypenny (writer for The Midnight Show, FOXADHD, AOK, Adult Swim's The Eric Andre Show, and more.) With lots of parodies, and a satirical look at the U.S. and pop culture.

Follow Eric on:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ericmoneypenny/
X/Twitter: https://twitter.com/EricMoneypenny
YouTube: https://youtube.com/ericmoneypenny

If you're interested in learning Sketch Comedy Writing online from Eric, you can take his popular classes from anywhere in the world at:
https://packtheater.com/classes/sketch

Transcript

FATHERS DAY COMMERCIAL
SPOKESMAN: This Father’s Day, get your Dad what he really wants: “You Out of his Fucking Face For at Least Five Minutes.” With “You Out of His Fucking Face For At Least Five Minutes”, your Dad can do all kinds of things. Things like think. Take a shit. Grill a steak. Take a nap. Look at Facebook. Sit in the hot garage with the door open and a bunch of fans blowing. Pet the dog. Watch Golf, the News, or reruns of Law & Order. Take another nap. Take another shit. And maybe even do your mom. So this Father’s Day, when considering the perfect gift, give your Dad “You Out of His Face For at Least Five Fucking Minutes.” Available everywhere you’ll do that.

ERIC" Will superstar Millie Dimpletz make the charts? Can Tylie Lyler get a new number 1 hit? Who won the East Coast/West Coast rap beef between Dro and Kenny Lenny? Find out this and so much more on this episode America’s Top 13 Hitz!

ANNOUNCER: Global Corporate Radio in association with X.O.M. Satellite Radio proudly present "America’s Top 13 Hitz!" Brought to you by: the meal delivery service Just Bones! The number 1 podcast in the world: The Bo Potato Show! And sponsored in part by: Dave’s Fireworks!

SINGER: sings "America's Top 13 Hitz!" over and over.

ERIC Welcome to America’s Top 13 Hits! I’m Eric Moneypenny. We’ve got a great show lined up today with so many of your favorite stars from the world of pop such as Tylie Lyler, Thoughtfulrella, Garrett Sklattz, and so many more gunning for that Number One Spot! And of course, we’re going to take a deep dive into the biggest beef in music between Dro and Kenny Lenny. And as we do every show, we first take a look at our last show’s number #1. You may remember, it was Fur Sure with “Save the Goddamn Elephants”

"SAVE THE ELEPHANTS" LYRICS
I read an article that elephants could be extinct by 2030,
We gotta stop this poaching for ivory shit stop in a hurry.
I thought we'd fucking have elephants in perpetuity,
We gotta uphold these motherfuckers and their natural beauty.

Losin their habitat to human development, nah fuck that.
Killed by farmers for ruining crops in retaliation, nah fuck that.
Three Thousand elephants get killed by poachers a month, nah fuck that.
Turning their tusks into jewelry and ornaments, nah fuck that.

Elephant poachers are pieces of shit I hope they die,
Just donated to protect these elephants and that's why.
I fell in love with elephants way back when I was young though,
And I still cry every fucking time I watch Dumbo.

I wanna head to the Safari and start a Poacher Catchin' Dragnet.
I'm pissed and me and the elephants never fuckin forget.
We can't let the Elephant Population keep heading this far fuckin' south.
Poachers should take their elephant guns and stick it in they own fuckin mouth.

ERIC: Fur Sure dropped out of the music business to devote his life to Elephant Fundraising, and while we fully support the Elephants and Fur Sure, that just means we’ll have an all new number one. Kicking off our charts this week is the alt-pop star Millie Dimpletz. Millie was a homeschooled genius, so she’s been pumping out hits since she was 14 months old. And she’s all grown up and back with a banger in our #13 song, I’ll Eat Anything for a Dollar.

SINGER: Number 13!

"I’LL EAT ANYTHING FOR A DOLLAR" LYRICS
One buck in my hand,
Got a bet you'll never win.
Go ahead take me up.
Put somethin in my mouth,
And I'm gonna swallow it.

I'll eat anything for a dollar.
I'll eat anything for a dollar.
Anything in the world,
Just try me bitch.
I'll eat it for a dollar.

Spoiled milk, motor oil.
Turtle turds, gold foil.
Dust Pan, Rusty can.
Dead Rat, Bed Pan.
Hot Dog covered in Toothpaste.
Taco Shell Filled with Toxic Waste.
That dollar's mine, I don't mind the taste.

I'll eat anything for a dollar.
I'll eat anything for a dollar.
Anything in the world,
I've never gotten sick.
I'll eat it for a dollar.

Old glue, tobacco spit.
Puke stew, wolverine shit.
Street Bird, Half a Tree.
Bloody Shirt, a Donkey.
Sirloin Steak Covered in Hairspray.
Sardines Marinated in Bearspray.
That dollar's mine, and my stomach's tough.

I'll eat anything for a dollar
I'll eat anything for a dollar
Anything in the world,
I'll eat it for a dollar

Except I can't eat my own head,
that's impossible.

ERIC: You know my team and I around the studio were debating if you could eat your own head. Somebody was like, "Couldn’t you crush up your head into tiny pieces and administer it either through an IV or rectally?" No. When the brain dies, you’re dead. If you shove any food into a dead body, that’s basically like stuffing a turkey. So. Shopping malls. They’re dying. And so are we. Sometimes at the same time, all thanks to America’s mass shooters. Which we hear about in our Number 12 song. This is Garrett Sklattz with “Survive The Mall”

SINGER: Number 12!

"SURVIVE THE MALL" LYRICS
Baby let's put on our bulletproof vests,
And see if we can survive the mall.
Mass shooters in the shopping center,
We need protection on our chests.

Mass shootings are a dark topic,
Don't wanna bleed out at Hot Topic.
So let's put on our Bulletproof Vests,
And eat Orange Chicken at Panda Express.

Survive the Mall!
Go to the Bose Store and be big Spenders!
Survive the Mall!
Watch out for incels outside of Spencer's!

I like my Auntie Anne's Pretzels Cheesy.
But young white men get guns too easy.
Go to Foot Locker and buy some Jordans.
But let's protect our vital Organs.

Danger lurking round every corner,
Don't wanna die in your arms at Sephora.
So let's put on our bulletproof vests,
Go to the Lego Store to buy Lego Sets.

Survive the Mall!
Maybe get our ears pierced at Claire's!
Survive the Mall!
Don't wanna get shot at Build-A-Bear!

Survive the Mall!
I'll buy you a pretty necklace from Zales!
Survive the Mall!
I love the U.S, but the gun laws fail us.

ERIC: Mass shootings are a heavy subject, and unfortunately the only thing we’re trying to do to stop them is essentially nothing. So let’s hear a song about a lighter subject: decluttering. With our number 11 song, this is pop sensation Marianna Anaana with “I Want My Fucking Shit Back.”

"WANT MY FUCKING SHIT BACK" LYRICS
5 years ago, I had all kinds of shit,
All kinds of stuff in my home.
But now I don't have as much shit,
All because I watched a Netflix show.

The show was called Tidying Up.
My friend told me to check it out.
She said it transformed the way
She cleaned up her house.

Marie Kondo made me throw away my fucking shit.
But now I want my fucking shit back!
Want my fucking shit back!
Want my fucking shit back!
I miss my boxes of magic markers!
I miss my box of 510 paperclips!
I don't miss Marie Kondo's cleaning tips.

To me, you know what Sparks Joy?
Having all my old stuff at my crib.
Marie Kondo can throw away all her shit.
She can afford that because she's rich.

Marie Kondo made me throw away my fucking shit.
But now I want my fucking shit back!
Want my fucking shit back!
Want my fucking shit back!
I miss my clothes that don't fit!
I miss my extra Tupperware lids!
I don't miss Marie Kondo's cleaning tips!

Want my fucking shit back!
Want my fucking shit back!

ERIC: Hey I think Marie Kondo’s great, but I want my fucking shit back too. We’ve got 10 more hits to go, and we’ll be right back on America’s Top 13 Hitz!

RED LOBSTER COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER: This Father’s Day, come to Red Lobster for Crabfest! Or, try Shrimp Your Way with 3 types of Shrimp for only 20 dollars! Or,  come down to Red Lobster because we’re having a fire sale!
MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Fire Sale!
 ANNOUNCER: We’re fucking bankrupt and-
MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Everything Must Go!
ANNOUNCER: Everything! Everything like: Shrimp we haven’t cooked yet! Cheddar Bay Biscuit Dough! Free Bibs! Chef Hats! Aprons! For only 10 dollars, you can have that Big Aquarium full of Live Lobsters at the Host Station!
 MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Live Lobsters!
ANNOUNCER: Take all of our Live Lobsters and set them free! Send them back to the ocean! We’ll even help you take the Rubberbands off their claws so they can defend themselves when they’re back in the ocean!
MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Defend themselves when they're back in the ocean! ANNOUNCER: We’ll even give you a free bucket of Saltwater so you can help drive all the Live Lobsters back to the Ocean where they belong.
MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Where they belong!
ANNOUNCER We’re freeing the Live Lobsters! Lobsters can live until at least 140 years old!
MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: 140 years old!
ANNOUNCER: The fact we were making you eat ‘em was mean and fucking stupid! MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Mean and fucking stupid!
ANNOUNCER Come down to Red Lobster For our Going out of business sale! We can’t save the shrimp and crabs because they were dead when they got here, but we gotsta free the Lobsters!
MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER: Gotsta Free the Lobsters
ANNOUNCER: Only at Red Lobster! Red Lobster: We were open 56 years. That’s a pretty good run!

2024 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE COMMERCIAL:
ANNOUNCER: On June 27 at 9PM Eastern, tune into XOM Satellite Radio Channel 1292 for our full coverage of The 2024 Presidential Debate. It’s your first chance to hear both candidates square off. It’s President Bob Oldass
BOB OLDASS: I have just one question for you Americans: Where in the Goddamn Hell is My fucking Pumpkin Pie?
ANNOUNCER: And former President Keith Crazyface.
KEITH CRAZYFACE We love our Pumpkin Pie don't we folks, I love Pumpkin Pie more than him.
 ANNOUNCER: Hear all of their opinions on the most important topics in our country. BOB OLDASS: In my life, I’ve taken nineteen shits standing straight up. And honestly, think I prefer it to sitting down. But I prefer neither one compared to taking a shit while bending over and pointing my butthole straight at your mom.
KEITH CRAZYFACE: Nobody likes Pumpkin Pie more than me, it’s not even that time of year, and I eat 27 Pumpkin Pies a day. Nobody can eat the 27 Pumpkin Pies in a row like me. I’m the Pumpkin Pie Guy.
BOB OLDASS: One time I stole a Pig. Then I rode that pig like a Horse all the way to the Cheesecake Factory. When the waiter asked what the fuck I was doing, I said here’s an idea: FUCK YOU.
KEITH CRAZYFACE: P-U-M-P-K-I-N P-I-I. Pumpkin Pie. I’m telling you folks I could eat a Pumpkin Pie in the middle of Times Square and then shoot myself in the head and not even get arrested. Not even by the Radical Left. We hate the Radical Left don’t we? They’re trying to stop us from (______) and burning down the (_______), and I’m not gonna stand for it. Pumpkin Pie.
BOB OLDASS: Fellow Americans, 12 years ago I totalled my car. And instead of sending my car to the Junkyard, I turned the wreckage into 49 metal baseball bats. And if you re-elect me, almost every state will get one of those metal baseball bats. Except Wyoming. Fuck Wyoming.
KEITH CRAZYFACE: Nobody can turn a wrecked car into more metal baseball bats than me folks. Get out the Cool Whip. We're going back to Space, people. Pumpkin Pie!
 ANNOUNCER: And moderating the debate will be our own Ken Eagle.
KEN EAGLE: Look folks, I’d rather inject myself with dead rat blood on the toilet at Burger King than vote for either of these two old dudes. I know I’d make a better President, but I can’t run because of my 9 DUIs and I was born in Russia. Plus, I am a Russian spy.
ANNOUNCER" It’s Oldass versus Crazyface. Their first time onstage together in just 3 and a half years! The 2024 Presidential Debate. On X-O-M Satellite Radio!

ERIC: Welcome back to America’s Top 13 Hits! We just had 3 new songs debut in our Top 13, which means we have to say goodbye to 3 songs from last week. Those are: “Don’t Waste a Draft Pick on Lebron’s Kid Just to Keep LeBron in LA” by Lady Truth, “I Didn’t Used to Make Country Music, But Now I Do” by Rebound Rodman”, and “This Song is Not Just On the Charts Because my Twin Brother Runs That Countdown Show” by Larric Moneypenny. Maybe we’ll see those back in the charts next time, but not today as we head into our Top 10!

SINGER: It’s the Top 10!

ERIC: This week’s Top 10 is brought you by the 2024 Presidential Debate right here on XOM Satellite Radio. It’s the rematch the world is waiting for. Or is it? I’m not so sure. And neither is Nashville star Corbin Gallons with our Number 10 song, “I Ain’t Votin”

"I AIN’T VOTIN" LYRICS
I ain't voting for either of those two fucking guys,
And definitely ain't votin for the third guy.
The one guy's too fucking old.
The other guy's too fucking old and a criminal.
And the third guy's kind of a weirdo.

How the hell's this the best we've got?
How the hell is this our best shot?
How the hell are these the choices?
Whether we like it or not?
How the hell's this the best we've got?

If I openly don't vote, I'll probably get cancelled.
Because they say we need to save our democracy.
But if these are the choices,
Then our democracy's already fucked.
Every Presidential Choice is bad,
And all the outcomes are probably worse.

How the hell's this the best we've got?
How the hell is this our best shot?
How the hell are these the choices?
whether we like it or not?
How the hell's this the best we've got?

ERIC: It’s really amazing that we have to watch those two guys run against each other again. I literally can’t believe it. Well, Father’s Day’s coming up, and our Number 9 song is a Father’s Day anthem from British singer-songwriter Timmy Fashions. With “My Dad Can Kick Your Ass.”

SINGER: Number 9.

"MY DAD CAN KICK YOUR ASS" LYRICS
My Dad Can Kick Your Ass 
My Dad Can Kick Your Dad’s Ass
My Dad Can Kick Your Dad's Dad's Ass.
My Dad Can Kick Everybody’s Ass 

My Dad Can Kick My Grandpa’s Ass
My Dad Can Kick His Grandpa’s Ass
And kick Grandpa’s Grandpa’s Ass
And Grandpa’s Grandpa’s Grandpa’s Ass. 

My Dad Can Kick Chuck Norris’s Ass
My Dad Can Kick Bruce Lee’s Ass
My Dad Can Kick Mike Tyson’s Ass-

BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this programming for an X.O.M. Satellite Radio Breaking News Bulletin. Here’s Branderson Gloopert.

NEWSCASTER: Former President Keith Crazyface has just been found guilty on 179 felony counts in New York. Felony counts including Falsifying Business Documents, Cybercrime, Forging a Dog’s Signature, Impersonating a Police Officer, Threatening a Judge of the NBA Slam Dunk Contest, Treason, Vandalizing an abandoned Red Lobster, Stealing a 2018 Honda CX5, making a TikTok of himself driving drunk, Selling Cocaine to Minors, Perjury, Burglary, Murglary, Eating Pumpkin Pie and Shooting Himself in the Head Right in the Middle of Times Square, and setting fire to a Children’s Hospital. Former President Crazyface spoke immediately outside the court after the verdict.

PRESIDENT CRAZYFACE: This thing was rigged, it was so rigged. I haven’t seen something this rigged since I lost the 2020 Election that I won by 174 percent. It’s a sham people. A yuge sham. It’s a Shamwow. We have to fight this people. We gotta fight it with class. I want you to go outside and ask people what they think of the verdict, and if they’re happy, I want you to punch them in the face, shave all the hair off their body, then chain ‘em up in your basement. Chain ‘em up until they starve to death. Don’t feed the liberals. Don’t feed them after midnight. Don’t get them wet. They might look cute now folks but we can’t let them get wet or eat after midnight or we’re gonna have a big, big problem. This country is going to hell if we don’t fight back.

NEWSCASTER: Former President Crazyface’s sentencing is scheduled for July 11th. Pundits expect that Crazyface won’t face any prison time due to his being a first time offender, his advanced age, and his threatening to start Civil War 2. Stay tuned to XOM Satellite Radio for more on this story, and we now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

LYRICS (CONT’D)
My Dad Can Kick The President’s Ass
My Dad Can Kick A Space Alien's Ass
If God Exists, Then Congrats,
Cause My Dad Can Kick God’s Ass. 

My Dad Can Kick God's Ass.
My Dad Can Kick God's Dad's Ass.
My Dad Can Kick God's Grandpa's Ass.
My Dad Can Kick God's Grandpa's Dad's Ass

The only ass my dad can NOT kick
Is his addiction to huffing computer duster.
Plus, he's 447,000 Dollars in Debt.

ERIC: Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. Especially my Dad. Dennis Scott Benjamin Joseph Michael? Jordan Hamburger Fish Moneypenny. Junior. The 3rd. It’s time for this week’s Blast From the Past.

LYRICS: America’s Top 13 Hitz presents the Blast From the Past with Eric Moneypenny!

ERIC: Our blast from the past takes us all the way back to the week of June 14, 1980. Back then, soft rock IE: Yacht Rock was still very popular. And so was going from being a Hippie just 10 years earlier, to completely changing your outlook on life and your fellow human beings. So for this week’s Blast From the Past, this is Snotty Bob with “We Used to Hippies.”

"WE USED TO BE HIPPIES" LYRICS
Ten years ago we were hippies,
But now we work in the big city.

We traded Tie-dye shirts patchouli and peace signs,
For short hair, corporate jobs, and white wine.
Still into Peace and Love but I'm just sayin',
I kind of like the ideas of Governor Reagan.

We were hippies but wait and see!
One day soon we'll be royalty!
One day we'll be conservative billionaires!
Huge mansions and leather chairs!

We were hippies but wait and see!
We'll contribute to income inequality!
One day we won't care who out there suffers,
We'll make billions off the hard work of others!

We were hippies but wait and see!
We'll be chock full of greedy hypocrisy!
We'll think the kids are soft with crazy demands!
And we will truly become The Man!

ERIC: Fun Fact, Snotty Bob’s lead singer is now the CEO of Raytheon.  And hey, let’s not pick on them, they weren’t the only former hippies who cashed out all their stock in Woodstock. Our Number 8 song this week deals with one of the most common crimes of the 1800s. Horse Theft. While Horse Theft is as common in the U.S. as it used to be, it still occurs to this day. At Number 8, this is Country Up-and-Comer Griffin Doan. With “This Ain’t Your Horse.”

"THIS AIN’T YOUR HORSE" LYRICS
I stole Jack Brown's horse and didn't tell him.
Then I ran into Jack downtown when he was drinkin'.
He said hey man, I think that's my horse Mr. Stinky.
I was so fucking caught.

So I had to come up with a plan,
Can't let him think I horsenapped the horse from this man.
He caught me red-handed stealin',
So I just decided to Gaslight him.
Ooh-

This ain't your horse!
It ain't like you the only kinda guy with a horse!
I had this horse for like eight years you lost yours in your divorce!
Oh I didn't know that you didn't get a divorce.
Well that don't matter, my horse and yours don't share features!
This ain't your equine creature!
This ain't your horse!
Horse!

Jack Brown's still positive that I have his horse,
Jack emailed me he said he's gonna file a police report.
He said I want my goddamn horse back by the 24th!
I'm so fucking caught.

My plan didn't work and I don't know why,
Can't let Jack take his horse Mr. Stinky back I love that guy.
Can't go to jail for Horse Theft I am too shy.
So I bought 30 gallons of Red Hair Dye!
Ooh-

This ain't your horse!
You had a white horse, and this horse is clearly Orange!
Fuck you, this horse wasn't white when you saw it, it was Reddish Orange!
I don't got seven hours time it takes to paint a horse!
I'm not a Horse Burglarizing rapscallion!
Dude this is not your stallion!
This ain't your horse!
Horse!

Anyways, he caught me, I'm in prison for 4 and a half years.

ERIC: When we come back after the break we are going to dive deep inthe biggest music beef everybody’s been talking about since our last show. Kenny Lenny vs. Dro. Only on America’s Top 13 Hitz.

America’s Top 13 Hitz stinger.

ANNOUNCER: It’s time for the X.O.M. Satellite Radio Tinseltown Update with Brad Groobledoo!
BRAD: Hi I’m Brad Groobledoo with your XOM Satellite Radio Tinseltown Update. A gameshow legend hung up his suit this week as Ron Rojo retired from hosting Wheel of Chicanery. Ron was Wheel’s host for 56 years, and clearly didn’t want to be there the last 32. So it’s probably the best for both sides! R&B superstar Sheree is expecting a second Robot Baby after her human woman eggs found a way to once again impregnate the Pittsburgh-area Robot 001010. Carnegie Mellon University is currently trying to understand how this happened two times. Congrats Sheree! 

Legendary comedian Barry Centerfield keeps continuing his crusade against Cancel Culture in comedy even though he’s never made an offensive joke in his career. Catch Centerfield in his upcoming Youpay special, “What’s the deal with Food Trucks, if I wanted Food from a Truck, I’d have the Truck Drive to My Mansion!”

Canadian rapper Dro is still in hiding after being publicly humiliated by fellow rapper Kenny Lenny. A few weeks back, Kenny & Dro traded 39 total disstracks in just 6 days. With Kenny getting the huge DUB, Dro is keeping a low profile, going to only half of the NBA playoff games.

And finally, the former host of the reality competition show “Tycoon” has been found guilty on 179 counts in New York. Tycoon host Keith Crazyface has called for the Supreme Court to nullify this verdict, and while some legal scholars say they don’t have the Constitutional Authority, Crazyface did appoint 8 of the 9 Supreme Court Justices. So who knows! Join me for my daily show Tinsel Talk with Brad Groobledoo everyday from 8AM-7AM on XOM Channel 1237. Our guest this Friday is movie star Ed Groobledoo. No relation. Please stop calling me a Nepo Baby. That’s all for now on the XOM Tinseltown Update.

JUST BONES COMMERCIAL
ERIC: Eric Moneypenny here to talk about my favorite new meal delivery service. I’ve been using meal kits like Just Meats, HelloFood, and Fuctor, but I just keep running into the same problem. I don’t like the meat. And to be honest, I’m a busy guy, and I don’t have time to be cooking meat, cutting meat, chewing meat, swallowing meat, or letting meat rest inside me for months and years while it gives me cancer.

Well that’s not a problem anymore with Just Bones. Just Bones cuts out all the meat and gives you what you really want. Bones. Every two weeks, delivered straight to my front door, I get a delicious shipment of boxes full of bones from Just Bones. I don’t have to worry about what’s for dinner with Just Bones. What I love about Just Bones is the variety.

They have every type of popular bone. Cow Bones. Pig Bones. Fish Bones. Big Chicken Bones. Little Chicken Bones. Lamb Bones. And my favorite, the Entire Turkey’s Bones. These bones from Just Bones come with all kinds of finger licking seasonings and bone sucking sauces.

And I know what you’re thinking: Shouldn’t Just Bones be like a Dog thing? Fuck you. I don’t let my Dog have any of these Bones. My Dog can get their own bones the way they normally do. From my neighborhood’s shallow graves. I’m keeping my bones. From Just Bones. So if you’re like me, and you’re tired of meat and you just want the bones, Head over to JustBones.com, enter the promo code Eric to get laughed at and ignored. Just Bones. It beats the meat.

ERIC: Welcome back to the show, and it’s time to dig into the biggest beef in music. That’s right, Kenny Lenny vs. Dro. Over the course of just 6 days, Kenny & Dro released a total of 39 diss tracks. And the fans were the winners. 3 of Kenny & Dro’s songs made the Top 13 this week. And let’s start gettin’ into ‘em. At Number 7, this is West Coast genius Kenny Lenny with “Dro is a Huge Fucking Dork.”

"DRO IS A HUGE FUCKING DORK" LYRICS
Dro is a huge fucking dork,
Canadian motherfucker barely know how to  use a spork.
Eatin poutine with only gravy no pork,
Was on a Kids TV show and he thinks he's Mickey Rourke.
Sittin front row at all Toronto sports,
Raptors, Bluejays, Argos, I wish they move your teams to Buffalo, New York.

Throw your ass in a barrel off Niagara Falls, yeah.
Got Viagra Dick but ain't got Viagra Balls, yeah.
Lazy fucking rapper I call him DJ Qualls, yeah.
Itty bitty ass rapper who just gives me the lols,
Yeah

Keep the West Coast legends name out of your fucking mouth
Need a fucking Visa to rap because you're from Ottawa South
I'm Vince Carter dunking, and all you fucking do is pout.
Pout-een,
Ain't Pout-een your favorite cuisine?
The CN Tower's a fucking ripoff of the Space Needle.
It's three times higher but just like you it's fucking fecal.
Fecal Rapper Syndrome.
Go produce another teenager show for HBO.
Spittin bars is what bought me 3 fucking mansions.
When your big dumb eyebrows just keep fucking expandin'.
Dro is a Huge Fucking Dork!

ERIC: Chilling. Kenny ethered Dro. Lotta people thought Dro couldn’t come back from that . But he did. With our number 5 song. This is Toronto, Canada’s own Dro with “No, I’m Sorry, Actually Kenny is a Enormous Fucking Dork.”

"NO, ACTUALLY KENNY IS A HUGE FUCKING DORK" LYRICS
Mm, mm. Yeah
I'm soary but Kenny keep bringin my name up.
I'm soary but Kenny the one that got us all beefed up.
I'm soary but Kenny brought Toronto sports up.
I'm soary but Kenny forgot the Maple Leafs bruh.

How you remember the Argos the CFL team?
And forget the Leafs they our favorite NHL team?
I been Canadian famous since I was like fifteen.
When you were in Compton 9th grade failing P.E.

I said it.

How you gonna call anybody a fucking dork when you fail P.E. class?
How you get an F, did you play Ultimate Frisbee and forget to pass?
Did you play Two-Hand Touch but still get knocked on that ass?
Did you play Kickball and make everybody else look like they on laughing gas.

Stay down you P.E. class failing motherfucker.
Stay down. Your ass got knocked out like the 1st kid in Dodgeball.
Stay down. I'm soary.

Poutine is actually really good, don't knock it til you try.
Yeah it looks kinda gross but I prefer it to plain French Fries.
I never eat Poutine with just plain gravy.
I get all kinds of stuff, chopped bacon and lobster meat.
The CN Tower is fucking cool its 1800 plus feet up.
Your ass just got waffled,
With real maple syrup.
I'm soary.

Yeah I got big thick eyebrows I like them.
I'm soary.
But you're an enormous fucking dork.
I'm soary.

ERIC: Pretty good response from Dro defending Poutine, Canada, his eyebrows and bringing up Kenny’s failing 9th grade PE class. Unfortunately for Dro, after he released that diss on social, Kenny responded in 9 minutes droppin this next one. Our Number 5 song. This is Kenny Lenny with “Dro is the World’s Biggest Fucking Dork.” Number 5!

"DRO IS THE WORLD’S BIGGEST DORK" LYRICS
Ayy, gravy on the fries, ho!
I even won Ontario, whipped yer ass in stereo!
Dro down, slow down, already gave you a deathblow!
My problem ain’t Canada it's you, not Justin Trudeau!
I like Gretzky, Ketchup Chips, and SCTV!
Wackest knock you got against me is I fuckin failed P.E.?
That wasn’t performance it was attendance, ain't nothing to see. 
I always win because I'm Kenny and you don't because you're Spenny!
You wanna go to Tim Hortons, but I already Iced Capp'd ya ass!
Hit you in the Timbits, then I Boston Creamed,
Apple Frittered, and Breakfast Wrapped ya ass!
Tim Hortons always open, but this case closed today!
You were trying to be a fresh Cruller, but all you are is Latte!

Dro's such a dork, Dro's such a dork
I can't believe Dro's the World's Biggest Fucking Dork

Dro already got all the letters in his name for Dork, he’s just missin’ the K.
Super ironic because everything he does is just OK.
Stop coming at me and just admire the Ontario Great Lakeshore.
Fucking leave me alone or you might need to start locking your front door.
Getting tired of beating you in this and in the ratings in Pitchfork.
This is why everybody knows you're the World's Biggest Dork.
Real Maple Syrup is just like you, too expensive and overrated!
but I don't know any Moose that Maple Syrup impregnated!
You fucking fuck moose, that's right, I said it!
I spread it, and take credit, so save the invite to your Moose Wedding!
Don't bother fighting back this is getting fucking time-consuming!
I already fucking know you like your eyebrows!
'Cuz you're really into grooming.

Dro's such a dork, Dro's such a dork
I can't believe Dro's the World's Biggest Fucking Dork.

ERIC: Wow. Dro, you know we love ya, but Kenny bodied ya on that track. Accusations of Dro having sex with a Canadian Moose, Dro getting married to a Moose, and even Dro grooming young Moose. I was speechless the day it dropped, and I don’t have much to say other than I’m glad Kenny likes Canada even though he hates Dro. Canada’s wonderful. Coming up we’ll have our Top 4, and we’ll be right back on America’s Top 13 Hitz.

NBA FINALS ON XOM SATELLITE RADIO COMMERCIAL
 ANNOUNCER: Basketball fans! This Friday at 8:30PM Eastern tune in for Game 4 of the NBA Finals right here on X.O.M.! It’s the Dallas Dissidents versus the Boston Psychos!

Can Boston stop the unstoppable Dallas all-star Slovenian Maxa Donkeycha, or will Maxa show up to the game really drunk?

Will Dallas’s flat-earther guard Kyrone Ingle play or will he stay home and Google search Chemtrails!?!

How will Boston perform playing on the road, 1800 miles away from some of their racist fans!?!

It’s Dallas! Boston! Game 4! This Friday at 8:30PM Eastern on X.O.M. Satellite Radio!

DAVE'S FIREWORKS COMMERCIAL
JINGLE: Firecrackers! The fucking best! Fireworks! Let’s fucking go! Firecrackers! Head down to Dave’s Fireworks to get the best fucking Firecrackers!
DAVE: Hi I’m Dave, From Dave’s Fireworks. 4th of July’s coming up so stock up on ya firecrackers. We got all the best kinds of Firecrackers. And you can do all kinds of stuff with your own Firecrackers!

Stuff like: Make Fireworks look not as cool as when the city does them with professional pyrotechnic team. Scare dogs. Blow your fingers off. Scare dogs. Make people in ya neighborhood think there’s a mass shooter. Frighten small dogs. Blow your hand off. Terrify big dogs. Set off everyone on your street’s car alarms. Blow your arm off. Shock, apall, and petrify house cats so that they’ll hide from their owners for the next 2 and a Half Days. Profoundly disturb all of the natural wildlife in your area. Give War Veterans panic attacks. Give War Veterans heart attacks. Give Old People panic attacks. Give Old People heart attacks. Scare dogs. And blow your head off. We’ve got all the fireworks we’re legally allowed to sell. We’ve even got the little tiny sparklers for little kids, they’ll hate ‘em and be scared of ‘em but we’ve got ‘em. So before the 4th of July come down to Dave’s Fireworks and lean into your primal late-caveman instinct to set something on fire, watch it explode, and scare everyone. Dave’s Fireworks. Located on the corner of Stupid & Idiot in Dumbass, Arizona.

ERIC: The 4th of July is coming up and America is still a pretty okay place to live despite its numerous problems and a completely divided nation, who fundamentally hates each other. And I know who loves America even more than I do. Country sensation Tricia Brish. With our Number 4 song skyrocketing into July 4: this is Tricia Brish with “Red, White, Blue, and Nuts!”

"RED, WHITE, BLUE, and NUTS" LYRICS
We are American People,
all across the land.
Bleedin’ Ol’ Glory’s colors,
and Shakin’ Liberty’s Hand.

It’s somethin' called Freedom,
and She don’t come cheap.
We’re flyin’ American Flags
cuz we ain’t Commie Sheep.

We can’t trust the Government,
And we can't even trust us,
Cuz we hate everybody
who doesn’t look or act like us.
A lot of us are huge pieces of shit,
who really fuckin’ suck.

But we never quit 'cuz we’re...
Red, White, Blue, and Nuts.
Red, White, Blue, and Nuts.
You don’t want none of us.
‘Cuz we’re Red, White, Blue, and Nuts.

We sell semi-automatic weapons,
You can buy ‘em online.
But we’re middle of the road in
the world rankings at Educating a Child.

10 percent of us are rich,
and control 70 percent of wealth.
13 percent of us go hungry,
And act like the Hungry can go to hell.

I'm happy to eat like shit,
and get real fuckin’ sick.
Then complain about insurance prices,
but still vote against my interests.
'Cuz Socialism can suck my dick.
We treat each other like shit.
and the world hates us.

But we’ll never quit ‘cuz we’re...
Red, White, Blue, and Nuts.
Red, White, Blue, and Nuts.
You don’t want none of us.
‘Cuz we’re...Red, White, Blue, and Nuts.
And we can blow every other country in the world up.

ERIC: Now that’s a song people can sing after a couple cold ones at the Barbecue. From a logic standpoint, I’m not quite sure why Tricia is pointing out a lot of the problems with the country while defending it so staunchly, but it’s catchy. Our number 3 song comes from one of my favorite popstars, Thoughtfulrella. Thoughtfulrella’s always making me think about my life as she does in our #3 song. This is Thoughtfulrella with “I Look at Too Many Screens.”

"TOO MANY SCREENS" LYRICS
Every day I look at screens
All day look at all the screens
My eyes locked on to the screens
I look at too many screens.

Wake up every day with my alarm clock.
Alarm’s on my phone and my screen’s unlocked.
Lay in bed, and I catch up on my Twitter.
I’m an adult, but my phone’s my babysitter.

Get in the shower and I put on a podcast.
Phone's GPS in the car to get through traffic fast.
Starin’ at the screen on my work desktop.
Starin' at Amazon til somethin’ gets bought.

Time for lunch and I Postmates my food.
Get on IG Stories tell everyone my mood.
Get on TikTok to see what’s lit.
A screen’s always in my face, I can’t handle it.

Every day I look at screens
All day look at all the screens
My eyes locked on to the screens
I look at too many screens
Every day I look at screens
All day look at all the screens
Seeing screens inside my dreams
I look at too many screens

Go back home to where I’ve cut the cord,
No cable but watchin’ TV’s a chore.
Too much to watch, everything that you thought of,
Screen’s always on but I never get caught up.

Watch TV with my laptop in my lap,
My Phone in my hand, and I’m on my dating app.
Technology addiction and it’s making me ill,
Without my screens I can’t Netflix or Chill.

So I go play video games in an alt universe,
But I’m squinting, these screens make my eyesight worse.
Eyes tired cause I’m worn and tapped,
Put porn on my tablet, screens got me trapped.

Every day I look at screens.
All day look at all the screens.
Wanna live life without screens.
I don’t wanna look at screens.

ERIC You know, when I grew up, I had dreams what it'd be like as an adult and I never thought I’d grow up to spend at least 15 hours a day looking at some kind of screen. Welp, maybe next time. If there’s reincarnation, maybe I’ll come back as like, a Shark. Our Number 2 song is one that won’t make ya think. This is Dwa Dwapa with “Gotta Push It Out.”

"GOTTA PUSH IT OUT" LYRICS
I ate a burrito sideways,
I feel like I need X-rays.
You're supposed to eat burritos longways,
But I didn't so I've been backed up for days.

I’ll feel so much better,
After I take this
Huge fucking shit.
Gotta Push it Out!
Gotta Push this Huge Fucking Shit Out!

On the toilet I can't find peace,
Til I squeeze this mess past my buttcheeks.
Been reading a pro golf magazine,
Because I'm sitting on my uncle's latrine.
I forgot to mention I'm visiting my Aunt and Uncle until Thursday.
I have a hard time shitting on Vacation.

I’ll feel so much better,
After I take this
Huge fucking shit.
Gotta Push it Out!
Gotta Push this Huge Fucking Shit Out!

I'll feel so much better,
After I blow these
Four pounds of Toilet Chocolate.
Gotta push it out!
Gotta Push this Huge Fucking Shit Out!

ERIC Dwa Dwapa wanted to get rid of her fucking shit, while earlier in the show Marianna Anaana wanted her fucking shit back. They were talking about different fucking shit. And Dwa Dwapa did get rid of her four pounds of Toilet Chocolate. Congrats! When we come back, we’ll have our Depressing Listener Request and our Number One! Only on America’s Top 13 Hitz.

BARRY CENTERFIELD COMEDY SPECIAL COMMERCIAL
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon to YouPay is the new comedy special from comedian Barry Centerfield. “What’s the deal with Food Trucks, if I wanted Food from a Truck, I’d have the Truck Drive to My Mansion!
BARRY CENTERFIELD: What’s the deal with Food Trucks? If I wanted Food from a Truck, I’d have the Truck Drive to My Mansion? Also, Food Trucks? What’s next Coffee Motorcycles? Alcohol Scooters? Water Skateboards? Soup Bicycles? Gatorade Yachts? Breakfast Cereal Paddleboats? Spaghetti Pedicabs? Look people, if Spaghetti Pedicabs are where we’re heading as a society, I’ll be eating at a diner. Where I cannot be driven nor otherwise transported away to a different location in a somehow immediate or distant vicinity. I mean, what’s next? Medicine Elevators? Oil Ships? Wait.

ANNOUNCER The new Barry Centerfield special, coming soon to Youpay! Youpay! We control comedy, and you can’t cancel us!


THE BO POTATO SHOW PODCAST COMMERCIAL
ANNOUNCER Streaming right now on Stupify, it’s world’s most popular podcast: The Bo Potato Show.
BO POTATO: What Up Freak Sluts?
ANNOUNCER: Listen as Bo platforms complete weirdos!
BO POTATO: So what do you do?
JARDON POOTERSON: I got popular on YouTube for hating women and being an overall bigot.
BO POTATO: Really, an overall bigot? Wanna talk about it for three hours? ANNOUNCER: And never challenges them.
BO POTATO So what do you do?
ELOG SMUK: I'm the richest man in the world, but my true interest is starting a **** Death Cult.
BO POTATO: Wow, a **** Death Cult? That’s fascinating. Wanna talk about it for three straight hours?
ELOG SMUK: Absolutely. Thank you for not partaking in that woke cancel culture.
BO POTATO Great. Jonny, can you pull up a clip?
ANNOUNCER: And don’t miss Bo’s hilarious friends from the world of comedy!
BO POTATO: So you do like comedy AND MMA?
ANDY BRUHDUMB SHUNT: Well like I’m not good at either one of them, but yeah.
BO POTATO You wanna talk about it for three hours?
ANDY BRUHDUMB SHUNT: That’d be hilarious.
BO POTATO: Andy’s gonna be playing 31 straight sold out nights at the Rose Bowl. You wanna do drugs?
ANDY BRUHDUMBSHUNT: Yeah.
ANNOUNCER: And be sure to check out Bo’s practical tips on Health & Wellness.
BO POTATO: Every single day I eat 9 reindeer, train for 6 hours in Karate, then snort 4 pounds of Horse Ritalin. And I’ve never felt smarter. It’s pretty easy, anybody could do it, ya just gotta commit.
ANNOUNCER: The Bo Potato Show. Only on Stupify. Stupify! We paid like 10 Billion Dollars for this show, but we pay musicians virtually nothing!


ERIC: Welcome back to the program. It’s time for our Depressing Listener Request. This week’s request comes from Vicky Rawchuckski from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin. Vicky writes:

“Dear Eric,

I just downloaded one of those apps who shows me who unfollowed me on Instagram. I don’t know why I did it, but I was wondering why my follower count went down by one after only going up. I discovered it was my friend Brandy Turgowcheck. Why would she do this? I barely even post on the Grid, and rarely even post in Stories. I just don’t understand it. Brandy’s still nice to me in person, but SHE unfollowed me. The worst part is SHE followed ME FIRST, and she still follows way more people than follow her back. I just don’t get it. What did I do wrong? Am I annoying? Can you play “You Unfollowed Me, Why’d You Do It?” by Rebound Rodman

Sincerely,
Vicky Rawchuckski, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin”

ERIC: Well Vicky, I looked at your profile, and you aren’t that annoying. So here’s “You Unfollowed Me, Why’d You Do It?” by Rebound Rodman

"UNFOLLOWED ME, WHY'D YOU DO IT?" LYRICS
You unfollowed me at some point,
But I barely even post.
I thought we were cool,
But clearly we ain't.

You got a lot of fucking nerve,
You're a lot more annoying,
I'm not quite sure what covert Narcissism
you're deploying.

Unfollowed me, oh why'd you do it!?!
I barely share any pics!
That's weird as hell and selfish!
You really seem like kind of a dick!

I scroll through my grid,
Can't find a clue what pissed you off!
Who the hell do you think you are!?!
You're such a more annoying follow!

Unfollowed me oh why'd you do it!?!
I barely share any pics!
That's weird as hell and selfish!
You really seem like kind of a dick!

ERIC: Well it sounds like Vicky lost a friend, but gained a mutual. And it’s time for our number 1 Top Hit of the week. Another huge hit from the biggest artist in the world. We know her, we love her. She’s Tylie Lyler. And Tylie’s got this week’s Number One. This is “Our Only Mutual Friend is Death” by Tylie Lyler.

"OUR MUTUAL FRIEND IS DEATH" LYRICS
We all have one thing in common. 
Rich or poor, caviar or Ramen.

We’ve all got one mutual friend.
Not the man upstairs or the president.

He wears a
big black robe,
And carries a
long sharp scythe. 

He’s our last
Ride home at
The end of
all our lives. 

Our only mutual friend is Death.
Our only mutual friend is Death.
He high-fives us before
taking our last breath.
Whether 100 years old,
Or taking our first steps.

Death must be lonely,
He always needs new friends.

Death has met
Both my grandmas, my neighbor,
and the guy from Supersize Me

Death meets friends fighting war,
and all the innocent.

Whether we’re nice or dicks,
we’ll all see his toothy grin.

It’s like we’re playin’ a game,
The same friend always wins.

Our only mutual friend is Death.
Our only mutual friend is Death.
Whether we exercise
or smoke a bunch of meth.
Death’s not ever fair,
Death never makes much sense.

Death must be lonely,
He always needs new friends. 

ERIC: And there you have it. This week’s America’s Top 13 Hits. The hits were compiled by this week’s Top 100 chart presented by Shillboard. If you have a letter or question, send it to @ericmoneypenny on Instagram or The Electric Car Salesman’s Scream Machine. This show was recorded in Hollywood at Bad Mic Studios. America’s Top 13 Hits is a presentation of Global Corporate Radio and XOM Satellite Radio as they try to put each other out of business. Produced by Marcia Sunofsky. And if you prefer listening to this in podcast form where it won’t be released weekly, but it WILL be released on a semi regular schedule, hey, let’s shoot for monthly, then please Subscribe, Download, and give us a good rating and review. This is Eric Moneypenny, and until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep your chin up! So you can just keep taking those hits.

OUTRO: Singer sings "America's Top 13 Hitz! with Eric Moneypenny" over and over.