2 | How to feel less invisible and not resent your partner

Almost every parent feels some kind of resentment towards their partner after the birth of their child. You are suddenly responsible for someone other than yourself and often tend to your needs last.

Saba discusses the challenges of taking on the invisible work and becoming the "default parent" and how despite these challenges, she was able to maintain a strong connection to her husband through one simple habit.

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If you’d like to share how this habit impacts your relationship, I’d love to connect in my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/partnersbeyondparenthood/

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Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

And while I did experience the moments of identity loss, I have to admit that I rarely felt disconnected from my partner. Considering having taken on the additional load and not really getting time for myself, it came as a bit of a surprise. And that's when it dawned on me. That despite having fallen into the default parent role, and not really feeling like myself, I never really felt lonely or resentment towards my partner. In fact, I felt appreciated, all because of one simple thing that we incorporated daily. Welcome to Partners Beyond Parenthood, the podcast that helps new parents thrive without losing themselves. My name is Saba Buzuner and my mission is to help new and overwhelmed parents gain clarity on what their priorities and needs are to reconnect with their partner and get back to their goals and ambitions. In this episode, we're going to learn how adding one simple habit into your daily routine can help you feel more acknowledged and visible in your role as both a partner and parent. So I gave birth to our wonderful daughter in Mexico city just over a year We had an excellent experience there, uh, with all the healthcare, the medical providers and everything. We were really, really pleased with how that went, and in general, my husband and I prepared a lot for the birth. We listened to podcasts, we watched videos, yes, on how to change diapers, and things that we'd have to You know, be, be prepared for like the different developmental stages and everything. We joined courses, uh, pre birth courses. We read lots of books. And in general, you could say that we were as prepared as you can be, because obviously you're never really prepared, but we tried. Um, I'd also say that on a level of communication, we had discussed a lot of the things we could imagine that would change in our relationship. And there, I have to say, it really felt like we were on the same page. Before our baby was born, we had made the decision to move from Mexico to Spain. But we wanted to spend some time visiting friends and family before we did that. Thus, we set out on a road trip and This is when we really were being tested. We traveled for about three to four months in a car throughout Europe. And here's where we really had to learn to balance a lot of things. It was learning to manage time between a stressful period at work, but also being present with our daughter and one another. You know, like when you're trying to fix things at work, but then you're also navigating the multitude of emotions that come with not only figuring out how to keep the business running, but also making sure your baby's needs have been met. We came to learn that babies strive on routine, and this is something we unfortunately. and we're having a hard time really getting into the groove of one. This, in turn, made balancing our personal and professional load messy, and often felt like too much to handle. On top of this, or probably what made it feel all the more overwhelming, was the pure exhaustion at the end of and even throughout the day. It was, it was draining. So, while trying to balance all of this, I started to slip into this role of the so called default parent. Now, if you're unfamiliar with the term or what this means, being the default parent essentially means being the primary caregiver, thinking and taking care of all the baby's needs and the one who defaults to taking care of household chores as well. I had taken maternity leave. Even though you're never fully off when running a business, right? But we had found a great substitute for the time I had taken off. This meant that I was the primary caretaker and seemingly all of a sudden had a lot more time to take care of non work related things. I started slipping further into this identity of being quote unquote just a mom, you know, the provider. And due to having a c section, my recovery was also taking a lot longer than expected, which meant that I was not blocking off time for, you know, a class or going to the gym, etc. So not really being able to work out much because I had to focus on healing meant that I also wasn't really taking much time for myself here, which resulted in me spending more time with our daughter and taking on more of the household chores. And here I have to say societal norms really come into play here. It is unfortunately, not always, but it is unfortunately mostly the woman or stereotypically, I should say the woman, the mother that falls into this, box of feeling that guilt and shame or falling and slipping into this identity of the default parent. With all of this and kind of having I don't want to say claimed, but having taken over most of these chores and things that need to be done, I often decided that it was easier if I just did something myself. So for example, my husband was of course fully capable and willing to always help out with the feeding of our daughter, but when I compared the two options of just breastfeeding, which is, you know, like it's there at all times, the temperature is perfect. Like there's no. You know, making sure the bottles are clean or sterilized, etc. Versus like the whole other aspect of it of, okay, now we have to go to the freezer, get out the breast milk, you know, heat it up, put it in the bottle, or heat it up again to make sure it's the right temperature, etc. It was just like, ugh, I'll do it myself. And this happened with so many other things as well. But the thing was, I didn't fully realize that that is what was happening. By taking on more of the parenting load and going about our day to day lives, it had just become a part of our days. it was, you know, it had become normalized. because It was often just faster or more efficient when I did something like packing the day bag rather than explaining where everything is or what needed to be done. So, as I fully adopted this role, days, weeks, and even months passed by and eventually, uh, I started to feel like I was losing a sense of myself. Most of my days revolved around tending to and prioritizing our baby's needs. And I slowly started to wonder who was, and am I, beyond that? Have my interests really changed that much? Where is the motivation I used to have? Where's the spontaneous, daring, and ambitious woman? And don't get me wrong, I absolutely enjoyed spending the time with her and being there for her. And despite my husband encouraging me to take time for myself, I didn't feel like I really needed it. Or the more likely or realistic version is I convinced myself I didn't. Again, Here comes those feelings of shame and guilt in wanting to do just that. I would think I would be doing a disservice to my daughter if I was not there for her and didn't put her first. You know, where did that come from, really? I often ask myself that. And I guess a big thing there is really understanding how priorities change. Yes, your priorities change, and in my case, my daughter became my priority, followed by my husband. As I've learned, this is often what happens with the birth of a child, and it's totally fine for your priorities to change, but what's important here is just realizing that you can and should take those moments to prioritize yourself. Essentially, by denying myself of that time, I had adopted this default parent role and was slowly losing the person I used to be. And consequentially, the person that my partner fell in love with before we had kids. Yes, I had fully embraced motherhood, but I was losing sight of my professional and personal ambitions. This, by the way, is an ongoing struggle. The inner battle between wanting to be present for your kid or kids, but also chasing your dreams and advocating for well deserved time to yourself is, is tough. After talking and interviewing other recent parents, I started to understand that one of the main constraints in the initial journey of parenthood was feeling invisible and not really acknowledged for all that they or we were doing, leading to resentment towards their partners. so many parents described feeling resentment for, you know, not helping out with the load, not being able to randomly go to work out at any time of the day, or go for brunch with friends, read a book. Because they were busy taking care of Everything that needed to be taken care of. The things that weren't necessarily visible but needed to get done, such as making sure toilet paper was there, you know, making sure the dishwasher was empty, or that the baby's utensils were clean so the next feeding can go seamlessly. Just so many little things that you don't think of but occupy space in your mind. And while many acknowledge falling into the same default parent role I had mentioned before, the issue was not always And that, this had actually happened, but more so that they felt invisible and sought acknowledgement for all that they were doing. It's so easy to think that the solution is, we'll get a nanny,, or our family, relatives, et cetera, can help out to give us the time we need to get back to doing the things before having kids, or even doing the things we need to do to help our kids. But more so for, you know, those, those things you're passionate about, such as traveling pursuing those passion projects or creative projects, getting a haircut, a massage, or something as basic as even just showering in peace, you know. The truth is that there is so much more that goes on behind the scenes, the invisible work, and that is where parents often feel the loneliest and tend to lose their sense of self the most, as your energy is drained and channeled into helping seemingly everyone but yourself. So with all this said, despite having become the default parent during these first few months of my daughter's life, And while I did experience the moments of identity loss, I have to admit that I rarely felt disconnected from my partner. Considering having taken on the additional load and not really getting time for myself, it came as a bit of a surprise. And that's when it dawned on me. That despite having fallen into the default parent role, and not really feeling like myself, I never really felt lonely or resentment towards my partner. In fact, I felt appreciated, all because of one simple thing that we incorporated daily. What we did was every night before going to sleep, we would always ask each other three things we were grateful for, no matter the mood, or how tired we were. And we'd always make sure to never go to sleep without having discussed whatever issue may have come up throughout the day. Yes, no matter how sleep deprived we were. And yes, we were sleep deprived. You know, Little things such as, I am grateful for that hug or touch, the meal you made, for tidying up, for entertaining the little one this afternoon. For insisting I take a nap. Or, for just being you. All the words of appreciation and acknowledgement can do wonders. Especially when you feel like you do not recognize yourself, and you are doubting your abilities as a parent. These words of gratitude and appreciation essentially serve as a validation that you are being seen for doing the best that you can. It also helps you zoom out and reflect on the day you thought would never end. And eventually it opens up communication for other topics as well, such as where you might need a little more help or where you could balance the roles a bit more, paving the way for deeper connection and understanding. So this one thing that we did that we incorporated into our daily routine, um, honestly helped Making those invisible things I was doing come to the forefront. I felt Seen for everything that I did. I was acknowledged. I was validated that yes, we both had a long day My day particularly may have felt longer and maybe lonelier because I was doing a lot of things that weren't necessarily visible But at the end of the day, I actually received appreciation for those things. Which I'm not saying it helps out with the actual things you're doing. And often it's not necessarily possible to shift those things over in those moment in times, your partner might be working, et cetera. But at the end of the day, I was seen for those things. And that made me feel visible. It made me feel appreciated, acknowledged. It's important to note here how powerful this can be, particularly in the first few months of the arrival of your baby. Conversations tend to revolve around the baby. So, this enables the topic to move towards the both of you. It can provide a moment of emotional intimacy, sharing your love and appreciation for one another, and it validates your efforts. Long story short, with all that we went through, the road trip, falling into these default roles, et cetera. And as I'd mentioned, we had really prepped for the baby and spoken about the things that we thought could change. There still is always one thing that will prove quite difficult to prepare for. And that is how you as an individual, your priorities and your relationship will change. No matter how hard you try to divide the parenting load equally, it will hardly ever be or feel 50 50. And that may come with a sense of identity loss as you go through this. And while we can and do continuously strive towards a more balanced role division in parenting, there are ways to make the journey there feel less lonely and manageable in those first few months of parenthood. I invite you to find a time in your day, usually before going to sleep is when it works best, and find something meaningful that helped you feel acknowledged in that day. It's okay if you struggle with this at the beginning, you know, finding time in your day to actually make it happen on a regular basis, but trying to stick to it and incorporating that at a certain time in your day, I can almost guarantee that once you start doing this regularly, your sense of worthiness of validation will increase and you will start to feel that acknowledgement that is so helpful. You know, that appreciation that You're being seen for everything that you do for the family. This is often the first step in making those invisible tasks visible. To better divide the roles, and in so doing, free up more of your time and get back to being your best self. So there you have it. I hope that the incorporation of this simple habit can help you, as it did me and my partner, navigate through this new chapter of parenthood to help you feel more visible and not get to that stage of resenting your partner, to help you feel more acknowledged and appreciated for all that you do. If you'd like to share your thoughts, have any questions, or would like further support during these challenging months, feel free to join my Facebook group, Partners Beyond Parenthood. You can find the link in the show notes. Tune in for more insights and strategies on how you can overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed and get back to being your best self while balancing your desires and being present for your little one. I will be here next week and I look forward to welcoming you back onto Partners Beyond Parenthood.