4 | Overcoming Obstacles: Practical Self-Care Tips for New Mothers

This episode of Partners Beyond Parenthood reveals that there is more than mum guilt that can get in the way of claiming time for yourself. I share a personal story of how introspection led to this realisation and what practical steps you can take to make self-care a habit.

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Transcript

Saba Bosuner: 0:00

The issue was me. I realized that it wasn't just the guilt I was feeling, which yes, I was feeling guilty, but it was more than that. It was something else. I realized that despite being with our families. I was having a hard time trusting them, trusting that my daughter would be fine in the hands of someone else, even family. Welcome to Partners Beyond Parenthood, the podcast that helps new parents thrive without losing themselves. My name is Saba Buzuner and my mission is to help new and overwhelmed parents gain clarity on what their priorities and needs are. Welcome to Partners This episode is going to talk about the common obstacles we face as new parents, particularly mothers in this one, in getting that much needed and well deserved self care. It's also going to cover some practical steps you can take to feel more comfortable when doing something for yourself. When my daughter was about three to four months old, we went to go visit our families in Germany. Before visiting them, we had somewhat romanticized having some time to ourselves, you know, actually being out for a few hours and had thought about the things we'd like to do. We thought of a few things, but the one that stuck was going to a spa where we thought we'd enjoy time together and actually feel recharged afterwards. Since we were in Berlin, there also happened to be one of my favorite spas as well. So, Were thinking, oh, it'd be so amazing, you know, we could leave our daughter with our, with my parents who live in Berlin for a little while and go and enjoy some time together. However, once we got there the idea of actually leaving our daughter became really daunting and near impossible. In comes mom guilt. Now before I go ahead and speak about my experience with this, if you think you have felt this but are not sure, I would describe mom guilt as that negative feeling that you think you're not doing enough for your kids. You want to be the best mom and you think you need to be there all the time and every single time. And you literally feel anxious as if you're doing something wrong if you're not. So in the context of this episode, You'll probably get this feeling when you're about ready or even desperate to take a well deserved break, but then you feel like you can't or you shouldn't even though you really know it would do you a lot of good. Just remember that even though priorities may change, self care is not selfish. I still have to remind myself of this every so often, and in the case of us wanting to go to the spa, for example, I I really had to do that so much because, I mean, mom guilt is pretty real and it was really intense for me. And, in the end, sad story, we didn't end up going to the spa. Because I just couldn't get myself to do it then. Besides, I told myself we were visiting family and friends and somehow, while keeping busy, time. and off we went to visit my husband's side of the family. So then, after a few days there, the thought came up again. Wouldn't it be nice to go to a spa together? Or do something together, right? Spend some quality time. Once again, we started considering it more seriously and spoke very openly about our feelings, possibly maybe a lot more of my feelings, the concerns and the logistics of it all. But this time we actually made it. We went to the spa, we took a few hours to ourselves and really enjoyed it. In hindsight, I wish we had been able to do the same in Berlin as well. And When I thought about it again, why we didn't actually make it there, a lot more than mom guilt came up. It's safe to say that in general, our parents have experienced raising kids, right? Of course, there have been some changes in the 30 plus years or so between my parents raising me, but all in all of course they're fully capable and equally important, they'd be super excited to babysit their grandchild. The issue was me. I realized that it wasn't just the guilt I was feeling, which yes, I was feeling guilty, but it was more than that. It was something else. I realized that despite being with our families. I was having a hard time trusting them, trusting that my daughter would be fine in the hands of someone else, even family. And that's when I realized that I was just so particular in how I wanted and expected things to be done, and that more than the mom guilt, this issue, this me wanting to have it done in a certain way was actually getting in the way of me taking time for myself. Well, here's a little tip. Or some advice from a mother to another. If you try and go through parenthood this way, then you're going to end up doing everything yourself, and that is just not sustainable for anyone. I learned the hard way. I am a perfectionist, for better or worse, I know I am. And so, when it came to me leaving my daughter with a family member, or with a nanny, for that matter, later on, I really had to get over myself to know and trust that the way other people will take care of my daughter, will be different to how I do it. That if she cries, they'll be able to soothe her, even if they use a different method. Or that how they play with her is going to be different to how I would. That they might put on the diapers different. And that is all fine. It sounds so silly that these things actually can get in the way, but it's real. This is what happened to me. And at the end of the day, you have to know and above all, trust that your baby is in good hands. With people or family that have your baby's best interest at heart. Getting over the idea or desire for things to be done exactly the way you want will save you a ton of stress, anxiety, and mental energy. That said, it is not easy and takes some the ways to get over it is to try and take some time away before you plan a longer outing first. So, go for a walk, meet up with a friend nearby, go to a class, like a fitness class, Pilates, yoga, or creative class, where you won't be gone too long at first, so that you can work on the trust factor needed to be able to actually go out and relax and enjoy the activity that you're doing, uh, before you start taking more time for yourself and normalize that habit. If you feel like You do already trust the caregiver, which congrats to you if you do. I wish I'd gotten there a lot sooner but you still find that you're struggling with the guilt. One of the most important things when getting ready for that me time or the self care is, um, To decide what you have been missing most and what you think you would enjoy the most. Also what's feasible time wise, etc. Is it a chance to just unwind and read a book? Get back into a fitness or wellness routine such as getting back to the gym, meditation, or meeting friends for a quick chat at a cafe, could even just be, you know, a phone call. Often, many women desire the self care time so much that when they finally get to it, they don't actually know what to do when they have it and then start asking themselves, Wait, I'm not actually doing anything. I should probably get back to my baby. He or she needs me more than me doing nothing. This amplifies the guilt cycle and makes it harder to get out of. So it usually works better when you select something and keep busy during this time that you have allocated towards yoursElf. Once you decide on what you want, make sure to set aside a time in your calendar. Yes, actually block it off and keep that block there. Because consistency is key, whether you succeed the first time or not. But getting accustomed to the habit of taking time for yourself will help you get over the guilt you're feeling over time, and, Taking time off to focus on yourself and the things you enjoy, frees up your mind to then come back to your kid or kids with more energy and presence to be with them. And generally partners in this moment in time can be a great asset in helping you take that time. My husband was always very insistent and persistent in me getting that self care in any way, shape or form. We definitely learned a lot through trial and error on how we can minimize any cause for concern and, in my case, making unnecessary excuses. And a lot of that came down to the logistics. So if you're exclusively breastfeeding, that's boob or the bottle, you're going to have to pump enough for the amount of time you'll be gone and more in case there are any emergencies.

8:56

Like, your little one is absolutely ravenous.

Saba Bosuner: 8:59

And needs to cluster feed meaning you need double or triple or even more of the amount that you had planned or already had or the bottle dropped before putting on the lid and now half your milk or all your milk is gone And then the next thing to consider, have you given your baby breast milk through the bottle before? I recently met a mom who had a five month old and said her baby would not take breast milk that had been frozen because he could taste the differencE. I learned that it's actually due to the amount of lipase that is found in breast milk, and that can change the composition once it's frozen, which can make the milk taste and smell different. So your baby might actually not take it, and in this case, you can try skaldamilk before putting it in the freezer, or try giving them formula for the times you're not there. And that's the next thing. If you are supplementing or giving formula, does your baby actually take the bottle? Can they be fed by anyone? Do you have enough formula? Have they tried it before? Again, can they tolerate it? Now, if your baby's already weaning, It's a great idea to try and take that time to yourself around the times where they'd be eating, where someone else can actually give them the solid food. In any case, you still want to have backup, but around this time is usually a good time also for you to go out because you know they're going to be getting a different source of food. And lastly, Um, you want to make sure in any of the cases that you have enough bottles that they're sterilized. So when your baby's hungry, you've eliminated a potential delay in getting milk to them. Alright, we've just gone through some of the main obstacles we face when getting into self care. Be it the logistics Mom guilt, not trusting others enough, not actually having picked out an activity. There's a lot, but just know that what awaits on the other side is so rewarding for both you and your new family. It might not seem like it in the moment, but you would actually be doing yourself, those around you, and especially your baby, your kids, good by making sure you're taking care of yourself both mentally and physically. So you can show up as the best version of yourself as a mother and partner. I hope having listened to this has given you a few more practical tips in feeling more comfortable in getting that self care in. I'd love to hear what activities you decide to start or get back to and how you're overcoming the obstacles you face in claiming that self care. If you'd like to connect, you can join my Facebook group, Partners Beyond Parenthood, and you can share your thoughts and any other issues you have faced as well. The link is in the show notes. I look forward to seeing you there, and thanks so much for tuning in.