6 | How to Set Boundaries with Family Visits After Baby's Birth

Have you been struggling to communicate your desires on how involved you want your in-laws to be? 

In this episode, Saba Bosuener dives into the critical topic of setting boundaries with your partner regarding family visits after the birth of your baby. 

She explores the dynamics of intercultural relationships, reflecting on her own relationship, and how understanding personal and cultural backgrounds can shape family expectations.

Saba talks you through a series of questions that you and your partner can use when discussing these boundaries to make sure that you both feel comfortable.

Tune in to regain agency on what you want family visits to look like in your postpartum journey!

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Join my Facebook group  Partners Beyond Parenthood to connect with me and other parents. Share your stories, get tips, and support each other on this parenting adventure!

I'd love to hear what you thought and if you're curious about any topics that you'd like me to explore, you can email me at hello@partnesbeyondparenthood.com 

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Thanks to the very talented Jeff Ras for the podcast tile: jeffsras@gmail.com | www.jeffrasdesign.com

Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

I'm sure it hurt a little when we asked for that time to ourselves. After all, they had flown half across the globe for this major event, but it's really important to voice your needs and set those boundaries and remember that. Even if it is their grandchild, it is your baby. This is a once in a lifetime experience for you. Welcome to Partners Beyond Parenthood, the podcast that helps new parents thrive without losing themselves. My name is Saba Bazunar and my mission is to help new and overwhelmed parents gain clarity on what their priorities and needs are. This episode will dive into the importance of setting boundaries with your partner on when your family visits after the baby is born, and how your cultural background is important to take into account here, as expectations can be very different. There are so many intercultural relationships nowadays, which is great. We get to learn about different ways of life in a very intimate way. I am in an intercultural relationship myself. I'm half German, half Ethiopian, and I'm My husband, although born and bred in Germany, has been abroad for so long that he has adopted parts of different cultures through his travels that he may as well not be German. I also have quite an international friend base and a ton of friends in international relationships, some who already are parents and some who are not. When we get talking about family, perspectives tend to differ quite a lot depending on where they come from. For instance, in Mexico, where we were living up until recently, we had a lot of Mexican friends who would hang out with their families on Sundays, And this was just a normal part of their weekly routine. Similarly, in Ethiopia, family plays a very large part in your life. On the counterside, our European or American friends, or friends who grew up there, didn't have such close affiliations or the habit of seeing their families as often once they became adults. It's an interesting topic because as you start thinking of creating your own, or growing your family, there is a shift in how you perceive the word family. For the longest time, your family was you, your partners, and siblings, if you have any, or cousins, or whatever you called family. And while they still are and will always be your family, Once you start your own family, you're, you essentially birth a new one and that's going to be your direct reference point from then on. When you start saying, my family, your creation is the one you're now speaking of. Now this is where we often saw the biggest differences when speaking with our friends of different backgrounds. What role would the in laws play once the baby is born? For some, they just expected their family to be there or even move in with them or vice versa. whereas others were more in favor of the in laws coming for visits. In any case, no matter how close you or they are or not, what you definitely want to talk about are expectations on how involved the in laws would like to and can be. Because once there is a grandchild in the picture, there is a sudden influx of attention and unless you have made your expectations clear from the start, not just between you and your partner but also with the in laws, it could be harder to do so afterwards. For instance, when my daughter was born, My family came to Mexico and spent about a week with us before and after my daughter was born. We hadn't seen each other throughout the pregnancy, so it was nice for them to experience both parts of my journey. They had planned a trip within Mexico as well to explore a little, let the time pass by, and got back to Mexico City where I gave birth the day after she was born. Now, I had a C section, so I had to stay in hospital for two nights, and needless to say, they could barely wait to come and visit. At the time of her birth, my parents still had two weeks left in Mexico before their return flight, and if it were up to them, I'm sure they would have stayed with us the entire time. But, my husband and I had discussed this before, and in our case, we wanted to spend some time just The three of us as we were preparing for our daughter's arrival, we had read a few times that one thing many parents failed to do was set boundaries on visitation from family. So we took advice from the many parents before us, and much to my parents' disappointment, we had said that out of the two weeks they had left, we'd love to have a week where we get used to our family. For us as a new family, we wanted to enjoy these moments of being a family with our daughter, especially before my husband went back to work at the beginning. I had thought, aw, they're so excited, it's their first time becoming grandparents. It was literally all my mom could talk about. But the fact that we had mentioned this before, that we would probably want this time to ourselves, communicating it became a little easier. I do have to admit though, it can become very easy. easy to drift off into their excitement and forget what you and your partner's needs might actually be. This is where I want to bring back the topic on understanding your cultural or traditional background. My mom is Ethiopian, and there are a few customs and traditions that normally happen after the birth of a child in Ethiopia, and I know she would have loved to incorporate it all It's also very normal that the family is very present around this time in the Ethiopian context. But there are also limits as to how much you and your partner may be willing or even capable of doing. I'm sure it hurt a little when we asked for that time to ourselves. After all, they had flown half across the globe for this major event, but it's really important to voice your needs and set those boundaries and remember that Even if it is their grandchild, it is your baby. This is a once in a lifetime experience for you. And so you want to make sure that you create the environment that works best for you and your partner. In most cases, they will understand and be happy to meet your little one whenever you feel ready. Now, on a side note, I have to add here that we were very fortunate to have great help with cleaning and cooking, and in many cases, family members step in a great lot to help out with these chores, particularly in the first few weeks or months. But since we already had that covered, we had made that decision to be just the three of us. Those first few days are so precious. Your baby's life is measured in days and then eventually weeks and months. And that initial phase brings about some of the craziest growth and changes. So if you're listening and have been thinking about this, I hope this serves as a really good reminder. And if you have not talked about it yet, a good time to initiate this conversation. I want to say again that. In any new family, but particularly when you are in an intercultural relationship, your expectations are likely a direct consequence of the traditions and culture you've been exposed to growing up. And that is exactly when you have to remember that there has been a shift from your core family, comprising of you, your parents, and your siblings to your own partner and child to make things easier as you adjust to your new life. It's best to set out your expectations, desires, and boundaries and adjust it to how you want it to look like for your family. Remember that once your baby is born, a new you is born as well. You are a new mother or father. You have a new identity. That means a whole lot of figuring out to do. Be it new routines, how you cope under sleep deprivation, your mental state, and how you balance time between your partner, your baby, friends, etc. Eventually work as well. That's a lot. There's a whole host of mental chemical and physical changes Yes, your own parents can guide you and provide support But remember no matter how close you are to your family or in laws It might not necessarily be the same for your partner, and you want to make sure that you respect that. Particularly in the newborn phase. You can still be quite vulnerable and emotionally charged, so you want to be able to feel as though you can be any version of yourself. In any case, if this has been a topic of discussion for you, here are a few questions that are worth discussing with your partner. Do you have family that can help out that you know will be helpful in getting accustomed to your new chapter in life? I've heard stories. Where some people literally have one of their parents move in with them for the first few months or even year and that works great for them. Things to consider here are Do they have time? As in, they're not still working, or do they have the capacity to take time off? Are they physically able? No injuries, etc. that may hinder them from doing some things? Do you only need or want occasional help? Again, be clear with your partner and set boundaries. Are both you and your spouse on board for having a family member or members move in or nearby, if necessary? If yes, would that be both sides of the family, just one side, or even just one parent? Are there certain things you'd want them to do that may be out of the ordinary and are they on board with that? This could be things such as sleep training or baby led weaning. These are fairly new concepts and you'd be surprised how foreign this may be to someone who has raised kids a totally different way. Communicating your desires and why it is important to you is really important to make sure this gets followed through. At the end of the day, it is your life. If you find an arrangement that works for you and your new family, then that is wonderful. Just make sure that when you make such decisions, you and your partner are both extremely clear on how you envision that kind of family setting to look like with regard to your personal space. These questions can hopefully invoke some good discussion in setting boundaries Or open doors to arrangements that can work for everyone. Remember that for some people having family around may be the most normal thing ever. Whereas for others, not at all. It's just about finding what works best in your new family setting. Connect with me and my Facebook group, Partners Beyond Parenthood to share your experiences on setting these boundaries, whether you did it or not, and how that played out in your case. Thanks for tuning in.