I Am More Than A Mom: Trina's Story

What happens when a single mom becomes an empty nester? This week on Mind Your Heart Podcast, Emily and Trina open up about their personal lives, sharing Trina's journey of adjusting to her daughter Emily moving out and taking the family cat, Tebow, with her. The conversation extends to Trina’s son, Jackson, and his sudden decision to attend college, adding another layer to Trina’s experience of an empty nest. Join us as we navigate these emotional transitions, exploring the unexpected dynamics that come with pet ownership and the evolving relationships within the family.

Balancing a teaching career with family life is no easy feat. Emily and Trina discuss the toll of fatigue, the struggles of maintaining a work-life balance, and the emotional complexities of divorce. Despite the hardships, they emphasize the transformative power of unconditional love and open communication. Hear about Jackson's resilience and dedication through his first jobs, and the lessons learned about mending and strengthening family bonds. This heartfelt chapter is a testament to the strength of familial love and the importance of staying connected.

Life changes often come with their own set of challenges and opportunities for growth. From career transitions and managing stress, to dealing with loneliness and envisioning a future filled with new possibilities, Emily and Trina share their personal stories and experiences. They discuss the importance of self-awareness, independence, and professional support in navigating these changes. Through relatable anecdotes and genuine empathy, they offer support and encouragement to listeners facing similar journeys. Tune in as they reflect on finding balance, the hope of new beginnings, and the beauty in every phase of life.

Be sure to follow us anywhere you get your podcasts. That way you will get the episode each week. Plus, we would LOVE a review! That will help more people find us. Thank you so much!
You can also find us at @mindyourheartpod on Instagram.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your favorite corner of the internet where we chat about all things mental health. I'm Emily.

Speaker 2: 0:10

And I'm Trina. Together, we're like your real-life Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Each week, we'll bring you real conversations about the world of mental health and we will peel back layers on topics like anxiety, depression and much more.

Speaker 1: 0:24

We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff, the everyday stuff and everything in between. So grab your emotional support water bottle I know we have ours. Find your comfiest chair or keep your eyes on the road and let's get into it. Are you ready, mom?

Speaker 2: 0:39

Absolutely. Join us as we mind our hearts and hopefully make minding yours a little easier. Hey Hi, welcome. Welcome back to Mind your Heart, thanks, thanks for welcoming me.

Speaker 1: 0:53

Well, you know, we're trying to get our groove.

Speaker 2: 0:56

here. We're trying to figure out how we want to come into our episodes, so you're going to take that journey with us and maybe you'll even give us some feedback yeah, or some ideas.

Speaker 1: 1:08

Yeah, like, how do you want us to address you? Hello friend, I know here we are.

Speaker 2: 1:12

Here we are because I, I think I mentioned on the introduction episode that I have two podcasts and one that is for teachers and one that's for teacherpreneurs, and I'm always like, hey, into the into after the music plays, yeah, um, but I don't know if that's our thing, so I think we're going to figure that out. But anyway, today's episode is all about we're kind of want you to get to know us a little bit and to kind of hear our like, where we're coming from, and so we're gonna focus on, like, our journey, our story, and share a bit about that for the next two episodes. So that'll be this episode and then next week's episode will be a continuation, more of a focus on emily's, on emily's perspective, and so it's a little vulnerable yeah, I know I'm a little nervous.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Welcome to our open counseling session.

Speaker 2: 2:07

Yeah, this is all about us.

Speaker 1: 2:10

Yes yes, we have massive egos. Here we go. Just kidding, that was a joke no, that does.

Speaker 2: 2:17

Yeah, it kind of sounds like that um okay, okay. So do you want to like ask me questions? You want me to just kind of introduce myself a little bit?

Speaker 1: 2:28

I can ask you questions. Okay, Okay, so like yeah, I guess the classic interview question is tell me a little bit about yourself, Trina.

Speaker 2: 2:37

All right, well, I am. My name is Trina Debery and I am a single mom, but with two grown kids, I'm an empty nester. I do have a dog baby, um for baby. His name is Kobe and he's the best dog in the world Franklin Debery Kobe. Franklin Debery. He's the greatest and um I'm, I'm just an empty nester for a year. So I I have my sweet Emily, who is 24 and.

Speaker 1: 3:11

I almost thought you were gonna say 22, for some reason yeah, and in my head. I was like am I, how old? Am I like I forgot how old I was?

Speaker 2: 3:19

for 24? You're, yeah. So, my sweet Emily, when Emily left, it was a really that was hard. It was a hard transition. The thing that made that okay was that I took her bedroom and made it into my office, so that was actually a win. Yeah, but it was a difficult transition. And she also took the cat, my cat Tebow. All right, wait Pause.

Speaker 1: 3:43

Hold on here. I didn my cat, okay, all right, wait pause.

Speaker 2: 3:49

Hold on here I didn't think I was taking the cat you told me to take tebow, I didn't tell you to take. Yes, I asked you if you wanted to take.

Speaker 1: 3:53

Oh, no, no no, yeah, really, because I was like fully assuming that she was gonna stay with you and then you were like, so like you're taking Tebow right, and I was like I didn't think I was taking her, and then you had said, well, she just like loves you and Jake so much Like I think it would be best if she went with you.

Speaker 2: 4:14

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 4:14

And I was like, okay, like are you sure about that? And then you said, yes, so this was your idea. I really did not expect to take her. I thought she was staying with you.

Speaker 2: 4:25

I don't remember. It does sound familiar when you say it that way, but I don't know. I think what I might have been thinking was that it was going to be really hard for me for you to go, and so I didn't think I could bear watching it be hard for Tebow and so I didn't think I could bear watching it be hard for Tebow, and so I thought I don't want to do that to Tebow or to Emily, so I thought that that would probably be the better choice.

Speaker 2: 4:57

I didn't realize how much I would miss Tebow and how hard like how her physical presence like made me feel, and so I was like really, that was really hard. That was like a double whammy. I had already like Jake had moved in, yeah, and so I was already feeling that separation that you kind of feel with your adult children, and it had already been going on for a while, so it wasn't as abrupt as it was when my son Jackson left. Yeah, because it was like more of a transition.

Speaker 2: 5:30

Yeah, it was a transition and also we went through your senior year and you graduated.

Speaker 1: 5:35

And we, like, knew that I was planning to move out. Whereas, like Jackson, we didn't know if he was going to go to college or not.

Speaker 2: 5:41

Yeah. That was kind of like a how it was like a month that he decided that, yeah, it was like he came home one day and which I guess is a part of my story. Like he, he all right, so I kind of feel like I have to explain that part. But he, he came home, he was working on on a construction site. He jackson stopped going to high school in 10th grade and he I. It was hard, it was a hard thing to to and you were a teacher and I was a teacher.

Speaker 2: 6:12

I have been I was a teacher since 1997. I left teaching in in 2018 and was working full-time on my business where I create resources for teachers with a focus on comprehension and makerspace and STEM and science, and I yeah, I don't know what I was saying- you were talking about Jackson leaving high school.

Speaker 2: 6:38

So I, you know, was a lifelong educator and so it was really rough to have him not want to be in school. I know he hated school's always hated school, school's always been a difficult thing for him and so he, I was fair to him no, school wasn't fair to him.

Speaker 2: 6:55

School definitely was not fair to him and I, his, his Jackson's dad and I got divorced um when Jackson was 10. So we had a very hard time. Jackson and I had a really hard time. Um, we went through a period where jackson was really angry with me and really upset and um, he didn't speak to me for a period of time, he was just at his dad's.

Speaker 1: 7:17

It was very, very difficult um like I didn't even really yeah, see him during that time and he was still in high school, Like when he wasn't talking to you, that was like. And when he wasn't talking to you, like there was like he needed somebody to pick him up because dad couldn't like all the time. So that was really. The only time I got to see him was when I, like drove to pick him up from school and then just take him back to dad's.

Speaker 2: 7:49

So, like I didn't even see him during that time either, yeah, it was hard. He was in a dark place too. He was playing video games until all hours of the night and he was. He was just an unhappy teenager and, um, my, his dad and I, we did not see eye to eye on what was the best thing for him. So it was hard, it was a hard. It wasn't like I just was, you know, said oh oh well he's not going to school, like I was upset.

Speaker 2: 8:14

But then I really embraced the idea of homeschooling him because I wanted to give him an opportunity to change his mind. So I registered him as a homeschool student. I did a lot of research and reading about unschooling and allowing children to learn in their natural timeline. I got involved with some homeschool groups so I did a lot of focusing on that and trying to understand and what Jackson was clearly doing was homeschool I mean unschooling, like every aspect of school was not.

Speaker 1: 8:49

He was having nothing to do with it this was kind of after I had decided that I wasn't going to college too, right, yeah, so it was like you got a double, you got like here's, let me serve you a plate of uneducation to a teacher, a longtime teacher.

Speaker 2: 9:05

Who loved teaching.

Speaker 1: 9:06

Who loved teaching and loved learning and like, really like, believed in that for kids.

Speaker 2: 9:11

Yeah. So like both of your kids were like no, I don't want anything to do with it.

Speaker 2: 9:15

I don't want anything to do with what you dedicated your life to, what I and I. Part of the reason I chose that profession is because I wanted to do something that made a difference for children and also I wanted to be home with my own children, and that was a huge part of picking that profession. And then it ended up like kind of hurting me as a mom because I was so tired all the time and I didn't want to have other people's kids over sometimes because I didn't want to deal with I didn't want to deal with. I wanted to have some space that was sacred and and and so it.

Speaker 2: 9:48

It didn't end up being as easy as I thought it was going to be with teaching and you know, in fact, like you guys, you lived at school with me, yeah, and there was like lots of late nights where, and then I left you in the afterschool care and I focused on school, and then even in the summer I worked on school, and so I really feel like it was actually like it didn't go the way that I had intended and it definitely didn't go that way with my children in school.

Speaker 2: 10:15

But what I do know about both of you is that I have full confidence in your ability to make decisions and to find your way, and so that's the part that I really held on to really closely. And so I I did embrace the unschool and homeschool and I did start to understand things in a different way, and Jackson and I allowed Jackson the space that he needed, because I had no choice Like I had no choice. He was away from me. I would just text him periodically and tell him how much I loved him and that I was there with open arms If he, when and if he ever wanted to come home. He had a place at home and I just held on to that as much as I could and I prayed all the time and I was very sad and it was a really hard time.

Speaker 1: 11:11

But then he eventually came home. I honestly think that was probably like one of the biggest lessons that, like you taught him, though in that time, and obviously like I can't speak for Jackson I'm not speaking for Jackson, but from what I've heard that he's said and like the way, even recently, like when we did those affirmations for you, like through the mindset thing that you were doing, um, like the.

Speaker 1: 11:31

the thing that came up for him and for me was like the unconditional love that you have always shown us, like no matter what, and I think that was like such a massive lesson for him in that moment, because everything he was doing was conditional.

Speaker 1: 11:48

It was like sports was conditional on his physical health all the time and like how he performed and then school was conditional on how he showed up when he couldn't help that he had specific learning disabilities that no one was paying attention to. His friends were conditional on if he was making this decision or that decision. And like, even through our dad, like there was conditions, so like it was like you were the constant, like unconditional love that he had seen and I feel like he like needed that. And like, even though that period of time where you weren't talking was not ideal, and obviously like if we could go back in time and unwish that to happen, like that would be what we would choose, but like in the same way it came out of it, him being able to learn what unconditional love feels like and knowing that he can accept it, even when he feels angry or upset or whatever, Like he can still feel his feelings and be loved as well. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 12:56

I felt like that was really important. Um, I also wanted to show him a different way of behaving, um, because I felt like I mean his, his dad and I got divorced. It was an emotionally abusive marriage. It was unhealthy, an unhealthy marriage that I stayed in for a very long time and, um, I wanted him to see that there was another way. I wanted both of you to see that there was another way of behaving and living your life, and and so I just tried to stay as open as possible and I also I thought of like that story in the Bible where you know it's like the prodigal son returns and you have to have an like a complete open heart and open mind.

Speaker 2: 13:40

And so I did. And then he did come back to me and our relationship is so different now like he, he is, I just adore him and I know that he loves me like deeply and um, I mean it is. It is like it is so different and we also like we went through some hard times, like we had to adjust with each other. We had I found it really easy to slip back into the dysfunction that I had with your dad. I felt like it was what happened with Jackson, because Jackson, like, takes on some of those characteristics at times and they would trigger me, and so we would trigger each other. And then it was like but we learned to communicate differently, which is something I never was able to figure out with your dad.

Speaker 2: 14:30

But with Jackson, like we would just adjust just a bit and it would go in a different direction and it was like it made such a difference. I mean, we're not perfect, we're still like every once in a while. Yes, but but it was, it was just such it was, I don't know it was really life-changing. And then jackson got a job at subway and jackson was, like you know, coming out of his funk, yeah and um, and starting to like explore the other parts of himself.

Speaker 1: 15:00

Like his, he's got a really high emotional intelligence, he's very aware of people's feelings and he so he doesn't have like he got things from from both of us and he's a very hard worker yeah, yeah he like really dedicates himself yeah like that was like shown immensely when he was working at subway yeah, I mean he was working the same amount of hours as a manager and he that was his first job.

Speaker 2: 15:26

That was his first job, yeah and um. So he did that. And then he went to work on a construction site. His dad helped him get the jobs. Dad is in that line of work and um runs a company. And then, and jackson, like it was grueling, he would come home from the job site filthy, dirty, exhausted. It was an exhausting job, yes, very tan. And so then one day he came home and said I want to go to college, and this wasn't that long ago. And then he I'm like, all right, well, you got to get your GED first and I'm thinking it's going to take a while. It didn't? He got it like right away. Had to take math, I think twice, maybe three times, I feel like it took him like less than two months yeah, it was really fast.

Speaker 2: 16:10

I mean, he passed everything else right away, which was I was shocked, yeah and um, and then he applied to a college in gainesville and got accepted and it was all crazy, and then he was gone. So that empty nest was not what I was expecting, because there was no transition. There was no transition. You into that?

Speaker 1: 16:27

because you, we didn't even think he wanted to go to college yeah like he was just working, like there was no thought or conversation really about like yeah, I wanna I knew he wanted to do.

Speaker 2: 16:38

He wanted to do more, yeah, but we didn't know when we didn't know what path that looked like like yeah he definitely like we had some foreshadowing of where he was, like I got to get out of this town, I got to be more than this, I don't want to be stuck here and he would have these moments of revelation and I'm like this kid's got to do something, he's gonna do something, he's gonna figure it out and um and so, uh, you know he's now, he's in college and and and it's not super easy for him.

Speaker 2: 17:07

He's like struggling, had to take some things more than once, but he is like learning such a different life that I'm not even as concerned about, like when he graduates or if he figures that part out. I love the experiences he's getting and the people that he's like, people that are totally different than he is that he's meeting and like his roommate like they're good friends but they're complete opposites and I love that he gets to experience these things and like just grow up in a different way. So so I'm excited about that for him and he'll figure it out, and I believe that about both of you, I'm like you'll figure it and he'll figure it out, and I believe that about both of you. I'm like you'll figure it out and I also did it afraid Like yeah, he did it.

Speaker 1: 17:50

He was scared, yeah, he was scared to death and he did it anyways, and that was another thing that, like you had taught us Like that, like I definitely, like I noticed that right away, but I think like he like almost like soaked it in and then like had to like live it out, and then he was like okay, like I can do this, afraid, like that was something that he used to say to me all the time, like I'd be like I'm scared and you'd be like well then, we're going to do it scared.

Speaker 1: 18:17

Like you don't have to not be scared. That's like bad advice. When people say that, oh, just don't be scared, yeah, like I hate when people say that because it's like, well, that's not changing anything. It's like when people say like well, don't be sad, like oh, gee thanks yeah, yeah, fixed like that's not how it works, but like just doing it that way anyways was like a massive lesson that you had taught us in so many different ways.

Speaker 1: 18:44

I mean like, even like leaving, like leaving like a relationship that you had been in for so long that you had two kids with but, like that was scary, like it's not like terrifying, yeah, and we didn't have like all this money, yeah, ready to just leave and be like all right, we're good. Like it was like you had to really like rely on people and like, yeah, you weren't used to doing that. Like you are very independent person, um, and so I feel like I don't know, like that was something that, like we both like took from you is like being able to like just do it afraid and then like make something out of it.

Speaker 2: 19:27

Wow, I mean, I appreciate that because you know, you think that you're doing all these things and making these mistakes and you don't see. You don't see some of your choices and how they impact your children, also because you're not, sometimes they don't tell you, sometimes you, Sometimes you know, you don't know, and so I just I appreciate that so much and I know that Jackson, he has said the same thing. I think I don't know if he sees me leaving as something that I did afraid or that I did in a brave way. I think there's still some resistance when it comes to that.

Speaker 1: 20:03

Yeah, I think he definitely has a much different perspective.

Speaker 2: 20:06

And again, like I don't know what, that, yeah, and he wants to come on and talk. So really, yeah, cool, yeah, that would be good. Yeah, um, so yeah I don't know.

Speaker 1: 20:15

I know it was much different for him than it was for me it was like two totally different, like if you were to watch it in a movie, like the movies would be two different movies two totally different movies, but yeah, I think there was also three different movies yeah, I mean like all four of us like four yeah had different experiences. It's just the reality of life really is the perspective of everyone is different.

Speaker 1: 20:37

Yeah, but I also think, like that he does, it doesn't go unnoticed that you, even though he didn't want you to leave at least that's what my perception of how he felt was maybe that's not true jackson yeah yeah, um, he still saw you do something that you decided was best for you and all of us and that you were afraid and that you did it anyways.

Speaker 1: 21:03

And then you continued after that to make decisions that were scary and like do those afraid too. So like for me, like the big one was like leaving, but like I also like that's not, that's not the only thing no, because jackson so many jackson's thing that he references is me leaving teaching.

Speaker 2: 21:25

Yeah, and I was terrified. I'm like how am I going to? I pulled out my retirement, which was, you know, not financially wise, and I bet on myself. Yeah, and I was scared to death. How am I going to take care of these two kids? Because I did not have. I had $125 a month for support, that's it. So I had no support and I was like person, yeah, half groceries Exactly.

Speaker 2: 21:49

And so I'm like how am I going to do this? And I needed my by business income to as a supplement to my teaching income. So now I had to come up with my teaching income and the supplement, yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:02

And so it was super overwhelming and scary and I um did that, and then I actually feel, and I say failed, I don't mean fail as in I think you can say fail yeah, I failed because this is I was talking to um the women that I went on the retreat with recently I went on a retreat um to Bali and we were we did like a reconnection call um and one of the facilitators of the retreat was like yeah, like I feel like we've kind of like failed in this motion to do like what they thought the business was gonna be and they're like basically recreating it to be something different and like taking a little more time and what have you yeah but I was like the way that she had said it.

Speaker 1: 22:49

She was like, yeah, like I I failed and like what I and I was like, well, let me like stop you for a second, because I mean, I did my graduation speech on this literally I did my graduation speech on failure, yeah um like good luck, we all failed yeah um, but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Speaker 1: 23:10

I think we've positioned failure the word as a negative yeah like more derogatory word, but like it's not, because with failure, like without failure, there's no success there's no success and there's no way of figuring out what's right, yeah, or not right, but what?

Speaker 2: 23:28

what is a different option? Yeah, and that is what works. Yeah, what works, what doesn't work?

Speaker 1: 23:33

yeah if you don't fail, then like you don't know yeah like, then what? Like everything just worked out for you, like that kind of sounds like a boring ass life. Yeah, sorry, but like it just does.

Speaker 2: 23:44

Yeah, so so I did okay. So I failed. I didn't, I couldn't, I couldn't make enough money, um, or enough that you know, and I like I was in trouble. Yeah, I felt like I was in trouble so I had to go back into the school system, or I felt like I had to go back in the school system. I don't really think that I had to. I think that I felt like I had to at the time I was, I fear was just ruling my thoughts.

Speaker 1: 24:08

And it was all you knew.

Speaker 2: 24:10

And it was all I knew. And I, I didn't I. But I did feel like I felt terrible about it. I felt so upset I didn't want to. I resisted it. I went on the interview, I was like I don't even care because I don't want this job, and I just laid it all out there. I just told them everything that I thought about education and how I thought and what I thought about teaching. And my principal loved it Like it was crazy. My assistant principal wanted to hire her friend. So she was like oh great, she's. Like she's answering it Like she. You could tell that she was like oh man. But so the principal called me like after the interview and was like I want you know, I want you to take this job, I don't want you to go somewhere else. And, um, and it was the worst job I've ever had, like I was a student support specialist. It was hell yeah it was hell.

Speaker 2: 25:00

I was dealing with behavior problem after behavior problem all day long, every day. Teachers were angry. I wasn't used to teachers being angry with me. I usually was helping teachers and fighting for teachers and I'm like I felt like I was fighting against teachers in this case and it was so upsetting and so awful. And then you like re got sick yeah, I did, I got, yeah, I was like so stressed like physically physically, because I I also have an autoimmune disease.

Speaker 2: 25:29

I have, um, I don't have ra, it tested negative, but I have a positive ana, so it's basically is ra, so they treat it like ra and um it's. It's pretty much in remission at this point, but it flares up with stress. So it was just a really hard time. And then the pandemic happened, which felt like a blessing to me. I know it's not a blessing and it was terrible for so many people and it was a blessing for some people. You're right and I guess you feel guilty about that in a sense.

Speaker 1: 26:03

Yeah, I mean, but like that's the same thing, like there, that's the way that the world is. There are so many things that like are not great for some people and are really great for other people and that doesn't make it like good for the people, it's bad for. And it doesn't make it bad for the people, it's good for, it's just different no, you're right.

Speaker 2: 26:22

So, um, so I got to help. I got to help teachers online. I got to help parents. I got to help kids. I got to meet kids every day and have like the best conversations with them, sometimes just meet for lunch and like sit on the computer together and, um, I it was. And then I also figured out how to work from home, because that was what was lacking the first time, so I really focused on my business. I also also was part of a conference that we did online. It was called STEMCon. It was incredible. It was like educators that are excited about innovation and inquiry and hands on and outside the box thinking, and it was like all my people in one place and it was the best experience, and so there were so many good things that were happening. And, and then my business like you came to help me with my business and we made like a hundred products which is basically how I started my business.

Speaker 2: 27:19

Yeah, so yeah which is so crazy. And um yeah, because we're going to talk about Emily's story as well and we.

Speaker 1: 27:27

There's a little teaser, yeah, so come back next week um, mind your heart next week.

Speaker 2: 27:33

Um, so it was. And then it grew like my business grew, and it was. It was like a game changer. And then I, I was able, I did stay at that school the next year. I came back after, after COVID, and I was the media specialist, which was much better yeah, I was gonna say that year was it wasn't great, but it was, it wasn't great because I had a really nasty micromanaging assistant principal.

Speaker 2: 27:59

If it hadn't been for her, I could have done that job. I could have continued doing that job because I love the kids. I love the kids and I was having fun, like I was focused on getting kids excited about reading.

Speaker 1: 28:11

Yeah, kids were reading. That's your shit.

Speaker 2: 28:14

Yeah, kids were like kids were reading. While they were walking in the hallways, people were people who didn't even like me were like, oh my, my gosh, what are you doing? It was unbelievable. And then I had the best news crew and it was just, it was so fun, but I knew that that she wasn't going to be able to stay out of my business, and she didn't. And then they were going to put me on the rotation and I was like you know what? I think I'm done, I think I need to be done again.

Speaker 2: 28:40

Yeah, so I quit again and and it was, both times were like a grieving process, because it felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind, because it was something that I was actually really good at, and and sometimes I want to tell people in my present life like I was a really good teacher. But you know, yeah, and I was a really good teacher, but you know, yeah, and and I'm like that makes me feel kind of sad because it's a part of me that is, it's different, it's changed muscle. You don't get to.

Speaker 1: 29:11

Yeah, hands on exercise anymore yeah like you're doing it through, like a, through someone else. Yeah, because you, like you still are an incredible teacher, like you'll never not be an incredible teacher. It's just that you're doing it differently. Yeah, it's so different.

Speaker 2: 29:26

So now I'm making things for teachers and I'm hoping to help them inspire a deep love of learning. That's what I'm very passionate about. I want kids to love to learn. I think it will make the difference.

Speaker 1: 29:41

Well, it's always been about the kids for you.

Speaker 2: 29:43

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:44

That's the difference of like doing what you're doing now. Is that you can't see that.

Speaker 2: 29:49

Can't see it I. I can see it in feedback when people For sure and I get so happy when they tell me that their kids love it Like I'm. Like. I'm glad the teacher likes it too, because I want to be helpful.

Speaker 1: 29:58

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 30:04

But I also just love when, the, the, when they tell me that the kids love it. That just I don't know that makes such a huge difference. But I, I don't know, like that, that part of me, you know it has changed so much and I also didn't realize how much I miss like physical connection. Like you know I'm home by myself with my dog and you know I'm home by myself with my dog and, um, you know your body like kind of yearns for a physical touch, and I don't mean that in a inappropriate way, I mean well, I mean like sexual physical touch isn't inappropriate no, you're right, in a sexual way you're right.

Speaker 2: 30:35

You mean no, I don't mean it that way. I'm saying you don't mean it. Yeah, I don't mean it that way, you mean it. And just like a, the act of being touched, yes, loved and and when kids, you know, swarmed, you know, on you like, you know, all jumped up at one time and hugged you and, like little kindergartners, like thinking you were a superhero, that is such a great feeling.

Speaker 2: 30:58

Yeah, you feel like a rock star yeah you do feel like a rock star, you know, walking on the halls and the kids are excited, um, it is a good feeling and I miss those hugs and that connection and that part has been, has been, a struggle. So, but you know, I also know that I can't be in a school system be, you know, my health, my, um, mental health, like I'm just too frustrated with what we're doing in schools. The whole idea of standardized crap and testing, and you know, we, they tell us to differentiate and then we have to standardize. That doesn't even make sense. I could go on and on about that. I won't, but, um, but so I have a lot of frustration towards a system that I think is not a systemic, it is a systemic issue.

Speaker 2: 31:45

And it's not good for teachers and it's not good for children, yeah, and it makes me angry and so I get angry, and so that is, you know, part of it, but anyway, so, so, so I, I mean based that I like, is there anything I left out about my? I mean, I was married for 17 years. Like I married the person that I fell in love with when I was 18, 19 years old. Um, I had a really low confidence. I didn't think I deserved better or to be respected, I guess. I mean, I look back and I'm like there are so many things that I'm like, oh my gosh, like what was I thinking?

Speaker 2: 32:29

And, um, and that was one thing that I tried so hard, especially with you as a daughter, I wanted, um, you to like believe in yourself and then it didn't always translate that way and like you to feel good about your and then it didn't always translate that way and like you to feel good about your body and yourself and you're in your own skin and your confidence to do things. And I don't think it translated that way. I think sometimes, like I, you know, there's things that happened that I know you'll talk about next week.

Speaker 1: 32:59

That that I'm, that I just am like, oh, like but at the same time, like like I get what you're saying and like I know, like I hear like that, that I know that that's hard for you and that, like whenever even I talk about like how it was perceived for me, like growing up, that it's hard for you, but at the same time, like you have to think about like that's not just like you Like there's like a line of things like in like generations of like taught and like not even just generationally but like society-wise to look at ourselves, love ourselves, dislike ourselves as women specifically, is like you can't put all of that just on you no, you're like, you didn't necessarily have the resources.

Speaker 1: 33:51

No, that's true to know differently and like so, like, whenever you think about that, like I don't blame you, like there's not like blame, like blame that I put on you, I think that there is, like there's just so much to it, Like it's not just that black and white, Like there's so much gray to that, and like I also don't want you to hold like that blame, Okay, Because like then you're taking on generations worth of trauma.

Speaker 2: 34:21

No, generations of yeah.

Speaker 1: 34:26

And the societal norms that have been taught over decades and decades like that's.

Speaker 2: 34:28

That's not no, you're right, that's not on you all right, well, anyway.

Speaker 2: 34:34

So I did um, sorry, I didn't mean no, it's all right, I I just don't think I valued myself enough. Anyway, we um ended up getting married. We were married for 17 years. I um stayed for a long time because I thought that I honestly thought that he I thought he was a good dad and I thought that, um, I thought that you, I thought you both really loved him and that it would be really confusing for you. But then I also think I was also really scared and I was also very, um codependent I guess I hate that word, but um, I didn't want to leave Like, I didn't want to not be married.

Speaker 2: 35:21

I wanted to be married and I, um, I wanted him to love all of us.

Speaker 2: 35:26

I didn't, you know, I I wanted him to be healthy, like drinking and things like that were really difficult and a lot of our relationship changed Because when I had you which I've told you before, you changed my life. You were a gift, you were what I prayed about and wanted my whole life, and I remember thinking, even when, when your dad and I were dating, that I, I'm like, if we break up, I'll have to meet someone else, we'll have to fall in love. When will I ever have a baby, like the baby part was. So I wanted a baby so badly, um, but I didn't. I thought I was gonna give you like an example of love, but I didn't understand that that wasn't like pure good love and that there was a lot of conditions with it and um, but I, I wanted to be better, like I would like, you know, have some drinks and whatever with him and not there's no judgment there but but I didn't want you guys growing up in a house, I didn't want you to grow up in a house like that.

Speaker 1: 36:47

Yeah, and I think it. You're saying there's no judgment for people who do like drink like socially like of course there's not. Yeah, but like the thing that I think where you're coming from is that, like that's not who you were or wanted to be. It's not something you actually really enjoyed, it's not something that really made you feel good and you were doing it because you felt pressured.

Speaker 2: 37:11

Yeah, Almost like a peer pressure he was. He would get mad when I didn't want to.

Speaker 1: 37:15

Well, I mean he really was an undiagnosed alcoholic. I don't know anymore.

Speaker 2: 37:21

Yeah, I don't know either.

Speaker 1: 37:23

Yeah, so like when you're, and also like I'm sure subconsciously there's probably a part of you that's like, if I do this thing that I'm not comfortable really doing, that I don't really like doing, I'm also kind of enabling the behavior that I also don't want, I don't want.

Speaker 2: 37:39

Yeah, but he's so much he's nicer to me sometimes, but sometimes not hit or miss, so you just never knew yeah, so it was. You're right, it wasn't something that I wanted necessarily to do, that I ever really wanted to do, I mean, even when I was a teenager doing that um so drinking sucks.

Speaker 1: 37:59

Yeah, I mean, it makes me feel terrible.

Speaker 2: 38:01

The next day like I have, and I don't mean sick, I mean like mentally depressed yeah, and depressing yeah and I have depression and anxiety and addD and dyslexia, so it really messed me up and so I and you're allergic to yeast. Yeah, yeah that's true. You're literally allergic to alcohol. It's like, oh yeah, the swelling.

Speaker 1: 38:27

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 38:28

Yeah. So when you came along, I wanted to be better. I wanted to be a better mom. I wanted to be a better mom. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to, um, I wanted to raise you and this ideal, whatever and I just wanted better for you.

Speaker 2: 38:42

I had, like you know, visions of, like my family was a broken family. I didn't want you to have a broken family. And then, um, and then I just kept wanting to be better and that was conflicting with what our, what our relationship was. So we didn't know how. And then there was a period of time where I really wanted to have a second baby and I don't know if we were on the same page with that like I got really. That's when I actually first started taking an antidepressant, because I was so depressed about it and and it took a long time and surgery and other whatever, and it was a hard thing to feel like you're going through by yourself, even though you're with a partner. So it was um, I don't know. I mean my brother said it was doomed from the start and I remember feeling so insulted by that.

Speaker 1: 39:35

You guys were very opposite though.

Speaker 2: 39:37

But we are very opposite.

Speaker 1: 39:38

You're like the complete opposite of each other. Yeah, and.

Speaker 2: 39:41

Jackson says that too. He's like once he realized. He's like oh, you guys never should have been together.

Speaker 1: 39:47

Yeah, I mean like, even when you were like together and we were younger, like I remember like we used to joke about it, like there would be things that were like, it was like you were literally the exact opposite. Yeah, like, it was like almost a joke at that time, like, oh well, opposites attract, I guess. Like, but it's like you were very, very different in like, everything Like, and not even just. You are very, very different in like, everything Like, and, and not even just in the like surface level things Like and the way we thought about things.

Speaker 2: 40:18

Politics, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 40:20

Like the non-negotiable part of things was like Compatibility. You were different. Yeah, we were so different.

Speaker 2: 40:25

We are, yeah, we are, well, we are so different and yeah, but I really I guess also there was like a false sense of security with him. Yeah, I felt like I ran to him and I seeked like protection and comfort and like him to take care of things, which is where you guys clicked. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 40:50

Because he craved doing that. Yeah, that was what he wanted to do for anyone. Yeah, he wanted to because he didn't have that himself yeah like he wanted to be the protector and like be like the, the provider yeah, like the the man, like yeah, quote, unquote. I hate when people say that, but that's what that was how he was raised.

Speaker 2: 41:09

No, you're right, so that is when and then, when I became more independent, at times it was like hurtful, he was raised. No, you're right. So that is when. And then, when I became more independent, at times it was like hurtful, it was hurtful, you're right, and now it makes sense.

Speaker 1: 41:20

That actually makes more sense, like no wonder yeah and it was like the one way that you clicked it was like oh shit, like this is yeah not here, like what do we do with this? Yeah, and he didn't like he and so he was trying to force it on you instead.

Speaker 2: 41:37

Yeah, he would knock me down I don't mean physically, but mentally and um, and so it really was after like starting counseling myself. After my grandmother died and one of my friends died very young. I remember having what felt like a nervous breakdown in our house and I was like, and my mom was like you need to go to a women's resource center and you need, you need to talk to someone I didn't know.

Speaker 2: 42:06

Nanny was the one that told you yeah nanny's the one that told me that and I put it, put it off, put it off for so long, probably years, and then, um, one day it was really bad and I, um was like I, I do, and I called and I made an appointment and I met Jane and everything changed. I mean, it wasn't as simple as that. It was a long time of counseling and I didn't even realize. Realize, like she didn't tell me you're in an emotionally abusive marriage. I didn't know that. I didn't know that for a while. Yeah, we worked together for a long time before I realized. I was like why is she sharing? Why is she sharing these resources with me? Why do I have to watch these videos? Why am I like?

Speaker 2: 42:50

and then I was like, oh my gosh yeah you're talking about me, yeah and um, and I and I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, you're talking about me, yeah and um and I and I was like I didn't know what to do with that and I actually think that could be a separate episode you know about For sure, because there's so much to talk about, that. There's a lot of steps that you, there's a lot of steps and also I like resisted feeling, I didn't want to be a victim, but I also have things to say about that too. Yeah, so my judgment of women that's so unfair, so I feel like that would be a totally I don't want to judgment of yourself.

Speaker 2: 43:22

It is a judgment on myself. It definitely was a judgment on myself, but it definitely. Jane responded to that because yeah, so that could be a whole nother episode. But but I do think that I just felt like and financially I didn't know what I was going to do. It really was when TPT came along, which is Teachers Pay Teachers, which is a marketplace for teacher authors to create things for teachers. It's kind of like an Amazon for teachers.

Speaker 1: 43:51

Anyway, that's a good way to put it.

Speaker 2: 43:52

Yeah, that was when I thought that there was any kind of hope, an Amazon for teachers, um, anyway, yeah, I, that was when I thought that there was any kind of hope and um, and that I might be able to, like, stand on my own two feet and um, and so that's. You know that that's how that started, but that was, that was hell as well. So, yeah, so basically that's my story, yeah you thought you were getting the light one.

Speaker 2: 44:25

Yeah, you're wrong, we're just jumping right on in there yeah, I think that's good, though I I don't't know.

Speaker 1: 44:33

I hate when people are like trying to do like the small talk garbage. Yeah, like if you're listening to this podcast you're not here for like just shits and gigs.

Speaker 2: 44:45

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 44:45

Yeah, we'll give you some of that, but you're here because you want to be heard and related to and hear somebody else's story too, so yeah, Yep, so yeah. And now, where are you?

Speaker 2: 45:02

now, where am I now? We, I am on the other side of that, which is really I didn't think it was possible, but I definitely um, dreamed about it, imagined it. Um, I'm still single. It's been 10 years and I think there's a part of me that's scared to date, um, partly because I'm free, like I feel free, and I didn't feel free for most of my life and um, nobody can can control me or tell me how to clean the microwave or where to put things in the refrigerator, or what I have to do or what I can spend money on or any of that. And um, and nobody's going to tell me that my brain doesn't work and that I'm cold and dead inside and all the other things. So I don't want to take any chances.

Speaker 2: 45:56

Is kind of how I feel, and also like I don't know if I know what love real love looks like, and so I know so many people that have left their marriage and then ended up with the exact same kind of person, and I don't want that to happen, and also I don't I think that I would be more compromising if I met the person and you know, and fell in love yeah but because right now I don't feel like compromising at all, but um, but I compromise for kobe like I make concessions for my dog, so um, and you and jackson, so so I know I'm capable of loving Like.

Speaker 2: 46:36

I know that kind of love. I just don't know like romantic love and I'm kind of scared and even like the intimate parts of a relationship, I'm kind of scared about that.

Speaker 1: 46:52

I mean, 10 years, that's a long time yeah, well, and then, like before that, you spent 17 years with the same person yeah, it was the same person yeah, married just 17 years married and then, oh, and all the years before that that we were together, yeah, so like that's a long. That's like. You're basically like a crumb again virgin. Yeah, that's kind of probably how it feels I'd imagine.

Speaker 2: 47:17

No, I probably. Yeah, yeah, it does feel like that, so it's a weird yeah. So I for the most part like most of the time, I don't really feel lonely I do miss, like like I miss you, I miss doing stuff. I miss like having people around me. I miss, I miss having friends. Like I miss you, I miss doing stuff I miss. Like having people around me, I miss, I miss having friends like I used to. I don't have friends like I used to.

Speaker 2: 47:39

Um, you know, some people didn't survive the transition of my life and I used to feel like I was too much for people. But I'm not. I'm doing a lot of mindset work and I'm not gonna. I'm not too much for people. I am exactly what I am, and for some people it's, it's too heavy, but that's, that's their issue, not my issue. And um, and I'm sad, like I'm sad that I lost people along the way, people that I that really helped me and that I loved deeply. Um, but I also understand that, like, as you grow, there's like growing pains, and so that's kind of where I am right now.

Speaker 2: 48:21

I'm still really focused on building my business and I want, like I'm it's it's been struggling for the last year and a half and um as is the whole entire world, as is the country, yep, and so, um, I'm working on that, I'm I'm, I'm like, putting one foot in front of the other, I'm trying to make some pivots and I'm moving ahead and I have a very supportive family and I, um, I feel loved from my family. I don't, I just I don't feel like something's missing. I do know that I I'm not happy with where I currently am, like as far as living. I feel like, I feel like there's supposed to be something different about that.

Speaker 1: 49:06

It's like the next phase though.

Speaker 1: 49:08

Yeah, it's like I was kind of talking to Jake about this recently. It's like like, because I was like you know, sometimes I'm like I was kind of talking to Jake about this recently is like like cause I was like, oh, you know, sometimes I'm like I'm just tired of like it's like one fucking thing after the other. Are we going to class on this podcast? Well, I'm going to. Okay, so we're just going to have to make it explicit. Okay, um, but that's how it feels sometimes. It's like one thing after the other, yeah, and, but that's how it feels sometimes. It's like one thing after the other. Yeah, and then. But then I'm like, at the same time, like that's how it's gonna be forever, like that is life, yeah. Like it is one thing after the other, yeah, and it's just like being okay with like no, I've been watching it.

Speaker 1: 49:46

Yeah, it's just being okay with whatever the next thing is, and like knowing that you can get to the next thing. Yeah, and like you, it was like you're going through all that. You went through all of that stuff you just talked about, and then there's been other things that have come along, yeah, and now it's like all right, here's your next thing. Yeah, you're going to figure out where you want to live, what?

Speaker 1: 50:11

you want to do, and I'm going to do it again yeah and you'll figure it out and it'll, it'll all work out and it won't.

Speaker 2: 50:18

It won't come with no trials and tribulations but yeah, because, um, if I were to go, if I were to go where I think I will rather be like, then that means I'm away from you and I'm away from Nanny and I'm away from Jackson, and that doesn't seem right, that doesn't feel aligned.

Speaker 1: 50:41

But also like in this life that you're like picturing like you could have the means to fly back and forth or have two houses, or you know, you know like who knows what that's true and also um like don't limit your imagination, maybe the amount like the image vision board.

Speaker 2: 51:03

Maybe the house with the tree full grown trees and maybe it, maybe it doesn't, maybe it doesn't have to be in maine, maybe it could be in florida. I could find the right like spot. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 51:15

So, or maybe you have one in Maine and one in Florida, yeah. So For when it gets hot as hell, yeah, and so hot here and so cold there.

Speaker 2: 51:25

You're right, so. So we're just that's to be determined, yeah, tbd. Tb to be determined yeah, tbd, tbd.

Speaker 1: 51:36

So yeah, that's a little bit about me.

Speaker 2: 51:37

You didn't know her before you do now, now, and you'll learn even more in the weeks to come, but you know, also, we want to offer this as a as a support to you as well, and there's going to be topics that we talk about that are specifically, um, geared to you know, focusing on us, not just focusing on us.

Speaker 1: 51:59

Yeah, yeah, for sure, but I think that it's important that this is known about both of us.

Speaker 2: 52:05

yeah, because one thing that I've found, like with like my more recent clients that I'm working with, is like I relate to them, like they, yeah, chose me to be their coach because, like they know that I've been through what they're trying to get through, like I I am no like anomaly, like I am where they are right now and like people need that I, I do, I agree, I totally agree, because when I do um coaching for DCA, for digital course Academy, I feel like the people that join with me, they, they know that, like I'm not a super successful course creator yet and um, but they know that I I've been in trenches, yeah, and also there's things that I figured out, things that I tried that they could avoid, and also, um, having been through it so many times, I know it, like, I know and like and I'm can be, I mean, I'm supporting yeah, so so you're right.

Speaker 2: 53:12

So I think so, like these first couple episodes, like you'll be learning more about us, yeah, but we don't have massive egos so it won't continue to be just about us, yeah yeah, so hold on hang in there with us we'll get you through this part right here and um and some of the topics we were talking about will be hard and heavy, but some things will be, you know, really beautiful, and there always will be beauty in the tragedy anyway. So we hope that you mind your heart on Mondays and you stay tuned. Yeah, thanks for listening.