Surviving Depression: Emily's Story

Ever wondered why nervousness makes your palms sweat and your heart race? On this episode of the Mind Your Heart Podcast, Emily and Trina kick off with a playful chat about the physical quirks of nervousness, paving the way for a deep dive into Emily's early encounters with mental health challenges. From the turbulence of sixth grade social shifts to the profound impact of changing friendships, Emily's story unearths the often-overlooked importance of emotional intelligence in young lives. Hear how these formative experiences shape the conversations we'll explore in upcoming episodes.

As the episode unfolds, Emily opens up about the raw emotional toll of family struggles, touching on the heart-wrenching effects of parental divorce and the instability brought on by a parent's anger and drinking. Through personal anecdotes, Emily and Trina share the conflicting emotions of seeking safety while grappling with guilt and fear. Their candid discussion underscores the critical need for supportive environments for children weathering similar storms, highlighting the significance of emotional resilience and understanding.

The episode also tackles the complex challenges of body image and eating disorders, influenced by family dynamics and societal pressures. Emily and Trina discuss the double-edged sword of social media and the healing power of supportive communities, sharing personal victories and setbacks. Wrapping up, the conversation transitions to empowering coping mechanisms and the transformative journey of finding purpose through life-changing experiences. Tune in as we arm you with a "toolbox" of strategies to foster your mental well-being, making minding your heart just a little bit easier every Monday.

Chapters

• 0:02 Mind Your Heart Podcast
• 14:50 Family Struggles and Seeking Safety
• 20:02 Struggles With Parental Expectations
• 30:07 Navigating Eating Disorders and Mental Health
• 41:47 Finding Purpose Through Life-Changing Retreat
• 46:19 Coping Tools and Self Love

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:02

Hey, welcome to Mind your Heart Podcast, your favorite corner of the internet where we chat about all things mental health. I'm Emily.

Speaker 2 0:10

And I'm Trina. Together, we're like your real-life Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Each week, we'll bring you real conversations about the world of mental health and we will peel back layers on topics like anxiety, depression and much more.

Speaker 1 0:24

We're here to chat with you about the tough stuff, the everyday stuff and everything in between. So grab your emotional support water bottle I know we have ours. Find your comfiest chair or keep your eyes on the road and let's get into it. Are you ready, mom?

Speaker 2 0:39

Absolutely. Join us as we mind our hearts and hopefully make minding yours a little easier. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back to you. Thanks, like my blanket.

Speaker 1 0:50

Yeah, yeah. If you're watching on YouTube, you can see the lovely poncho that she has on.

Speaker 2 0:57

I'm a little chilly. Yeah, it's just a little cold. I don't know why. Sometimes, when I get a little nervous, I get a little chilly Really, yeah. Yeah, I get hot. That is a new thing for me. Yeah, I wish I got colds instead. Yeah, well, getting hot is the worst, so that happens too. But that sometimes is menopause for me. All right, well, I'm not there but yes, you're not there. Yeah, and if you were there, you could be reversed, yeah yeah, no, I get hot frequently yeah, that's actually not as much anymore.

Speaker 1 1:32

Yeah, since doing the new like gut health stuff, yeah, which has been nice.

Speaker 2 1:36

Yeah, because you're, you're, it's hormonal yeah, yeah all right, so this week we're going to be last week, if you happen to catch the episode then we talked a little bit about, not a little. We talked a long time about my story and a little bit about like me, and today we're going to focus on Emily's story and the reason we're focusing on our stories. First, I um hoping that you're listening in order in sequence um or not, or not.

Speaker 1 2:09

You don't have to. Yeah, it doesn't have to be in order for sure. Yeah, you can listen I mean, but technically you came first and then I came. So yeah, it makes more sense. But okay.

Speaker 2 2:19

So, um, yeah, and and we just want to give you a little bit of background so that you know, when we're talking about some of the things that we're going to talk about on this podcast, that we also have some like ties to it yeah. We have some personal experience and some background, and I mean not everything that we're going to talk about.

Speaker 1 2:39

we'll have you know there might be something Like we'll learn with you. Yeah as well. Yeah, but we also come from it's, it's the relatability aspect of it. Yeah, like we're not just rando people talking about mental health that we know nothing about, absolutely like we have a lot seasoned counselor counseling um veterans psychiatry, yeah all the things yeah, mindset coaching, yeah, all the mess, yeah, all the things.

Speaker 2 3:07

Yeah, so years and years and years of experience, um, combined, yep, so anyway. So this week we're going to jump in to emily and hear a little bit about emily's story. And emily em, so that's my name. Yeah, emily, renee, emily, um, yeah, tell us a little bit about you.

Speaker 1 3:31

Okay. Um, sometimes when I feel like I'm gonna start this like long story about myself, I feel like it starts in sixth grade for me, like that's where I can really like kind of remember the beginning of, like my mental health story. Yeah, because before then I'm sure there were whatever it was, but I was just like so much more of a kid.

Speaker 1 4:02

For sure, I feel like I was a lot. Sixth grade was where it was like all right, like now, your emotional intelligence is gonna have to be higher than the age you really are.

Speaker 2 4:15

Um, it was hard at home were things going on, that I think so I feel like that's when I was getting my master's.

Speaker 1 4:22

I think so too. Yeah, I just remember. So like in sixth grade I I went to the elementary school before sixth grade that you taught at um, and I like had a lot of like. Well, I had my one best friend that I was in every grade with since kindergarten, yeah, and just like friends that I also like was with all the time, like through my whole entire elementary school experience. And then going to sixth grade, my middle school for sixth grade was right next door. So, like, all of the kids that I really like knew and grew up with essentially like were going to that school.

Speaker 1 5:08

Yeah. And so when I started in sixth grade I don't really know Like I honestly like it's hard for me to pinpoint Like I'm like what was different about me like at that point, but I just like didn't fit in with those kids anymore like they. It's like when I think about it, I'm like I don't even know like what, what was different about that, but it was just like. It was like the person I was best friends with for so many years, um, friends with for so many years, um, she had different priorities and she wanted to be around different people that, like I didn't want to be around that didn't like me and the people that I knew didn't really like wanna like I wasn't cool. I was never like the cool kid in school.

Speaker 2 6:02

Yeah.

Speaker 1 6:02

Like I was, just never how I was. I didn't try to fit into something that I like, didn't want to be, and like that was not looked at as cool.

Speaker 2 6:12

And you were like pretty firm on rules. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1 6:18

That's true, especially like from a young age, I think. As I got older I was like I like the rules that I like.

Speaker 2 6:28

Yeah, which is like more like you, yeah, yeah, I didn't really know how to even relate to you on some things like being such a rule.

Speaker 1 6:39

I think, honestly, when I am picturing myself being so like regimented in the rules, it was like a control yeah aspect, like everything else was so out of control that I was like, well, this is the one thing that is in control and I can abide by it and feel in control as well. So everybody else must do the same. Like um, which is kind of what um like really set me apart in sixth grade, because I mean, I just vividly remember like sixth grade just being complete like circus chaos like yeah, it's just.

Speaker 1 7:20

I mean like going from elementary school to middle school is like such a massive transition it's such a transition and and also you were very innocent, that's true, you were very innocent.

Speaker 2 7:30

I mean you had a rolling backpack with your name on it. I know From Pottery Barn.

Speaker 1 7:34

Okay. Well, the thing about that is that I didn't even necessarily choose the rolling aspect of it. You told me, oh, no of it. You told me oh, oh, no what. You told me that because I had scoliosis, I needed to have a rolling backpack in sixth grade I did.

Speaker 2 7:54

Yeah, I don't think so. I think that is a I. You remember it one way and I remember it another. Oh boy, I thought you wanted a roll.

Speaker 1 8:02

I did not want a rolling backpack. I wanted a backpack from pottery barn. I did want a backpack that said my name on it, but I did not want it to roll. I didn't even really use the rolling aspect of it that often until you asked me about it and I was like, well shit, like, if she's gonna ask me, I can't lie.

Speaker 2 8:20

Because, because, no sixth grader lies to their mother like but like I was, like, well, I have to. So then, now I have to use it to roll, are you sure? Okay, maybe it's just convenient to remember it that I picked rolling, because I can't imagine that I would pick rolling.

Speaker 1 8:35

I would know better you told me that I needed it because of my scoliosis, I think I was worried about scoliosis.

Speaker 2 8:40

That does sound correct because in fifth grade my backpack was so heavy was so heavy, so okay, so that was not a good decision.

Speaker 1 8:48

Anyway, yes, but don't blame me for the rolling aspect of it, but uh, that led to me being a literal rolling target in sixth grade. Yeah, um, I was bullied pretty severely. Um, it was also like when I say that it came about because of my incessant rule following yeah, um, I basically like tattled on someone for something so stupid. Um, and then, and it was like it was, I tattled on like an eighth grader who was like three times my size and she had like a very tall friend as well.

Speaker 1 9:30

Like they were like scary.

Speaker 2 9:33

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 9:35

And the girl.

Speaker 2 9:37

And when you're in middle school and you're being like dominated by another girl, it's scary.

Speaker 1 9:47

Yeah, and not only like it wasn't even't even like it was just another sixth grader.

Speaker 2 9:49

Yeah, it was like an eighth grader who looked like a high schooler.

Speaker 1 9:52

Yeah, like in my mind, like I can see them both I know exactly what they look like and they are not small people. Yeah. So, and I was not a large person, yeah, at that point I was just like kind of a chubby, like awkward stage, and I was kind of short yeah, I don't remember that, but okay.

Speaker 1 10:11

So, yeah, it was like it felt like small versus large and powerful. Yeah, um, and they also were known, so like people knew them. Yeah, and people were like telling them that some girl named emily told on them and then, of course, here I am walking around with my rolling backpack that says my name on it.

Speaker 1 10:36

Oh my god, and I was absolutely terrified to go to school like, yeah I remember that like I honestly thought I was going to be like severely injured, killed, yeah, yeah, well there, so, and that wasn't just like an irrational fear there were kids at that school who got into fights so severe that they were in the hospital for days yeah so that wasn't like an out of the question, yeah, fear.

Speaker 1 11:00

So I remember like going to the guidance counselor, um at that time, if we can even really call them that um, but they were like so, like what's, what's the problem, like how are things going? And I like kind of told them and they were like, so do you, like, what do you want us to do? And I was like, uh, protect me, I know, I'm like I don't know, hope that I don't get murdered in middle school, like, and he was like well, there's not really anything I can do, so just be careful.

Speaker 1 11:34

And I was like gee, thanks. Like so then I feel like I had no support from the school itself, yeah, and like there's nothing you or dad could do. Yeah, at the time, like you can't accompany me to sixth grade, like I didn't really have any friends. The friends that I had from elementary school were like see you later, you're not cool enough for me. So it was like I was like on my own trying to and I would like run from class to class, not like sprint no, that's really put a target on my back, but it's a scary thing.

Speaker 1 12:06

So we decided to for you to go to a charter school yeah, and before I went in to sixth grade, we were talking about going yeah, to an art school.

Speaker 1 12:16

Yeah to that school and um, but we decided like we would go, I would go to the one with my friends and whatever. And then it was like towards the end of the year where I I was just asking to not go to the one with my friends and whatever. And then it was like towards the end of the year where I I was just asking to not go to school like every day, like I just really didn't want to go, which was unlike you because you were a school person.

Speaker 2 12:33

I was a hard worker in school.

Speaker 1 12:35

That was very important to me, like I got really good grades and. I was like, please don't make me go, like just let me stay home, um. And then I I decided like with you guys, I was like, yeah, like take me out, I need, I can't be here anymore.

Speaker 1 12:51

Like it wasn't gonna work and, um, thankfully at that time for that school it wasn't as hard to get in like you later down the line people actually had audition to get in oh, oh wow, I didn't know that yeah, um, it was like a couple years after I'd gotten in so I was like phew, because I was not like having all these like already existing talents, like the things well, I did, but like not that I, yeah, I had known, yeah, about yeah, um and that was a massive change.

Speaker 1 13:23

But in, in sixth grade, it was also like, I feel like there was a lot of like fighting going on at home. So it was like I didn't want to be at school because I felt unsafe and I like didn't want to be at home because, like, because there was fighting. Yeah, so like it was like both ends of where I have to be most of my time.

Speaker 2 13:41

That was the first time that I had ever really pushed back like I pushed back on dad like I. He told me a long time ago I could get my master's. And then he changed his mind and I did it anyway, and I kind of snuck it in the beginning. So I was probably doing a terrible job parenting. Um, it was a lot to carry yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 14:01

I don't remember a whole lot from like home at that point.

Speaker 1 14:05

I do remember that that was when I started watching friends yes, I do remember that um, and that was turned into a massive part of my life, which like sounds silly when I say like a tv show is like such a big deal to me. But like, um, I would do like little things be able to buy Because at the time it was like on iTunes, on iTunes, yeah, so you had to buy each episode and the SD version was $1.99 and HD was $2.99. So if I was feeling like I could do something extra, then I'd be like all right, I'm going to get the HD version for $3 instead, but I would do stuff like that to get them and eventually I ended up like being able to buy every episode, like I own all of the episodes of friends.

Speaker 1 14:50

Um, and that was some that was like really, the only thing that like made me like laugh and smile was like watching that show. It was like, okay, like I can I don't know why I'm getting emotional about that yeah, but yeah. So Friends was like it will always be like my favorite show, it will always be like my safe show. Yeah, so then in, I mean, middle school continued and middle school is middle school.

Speaker 2 15:20

It just wasn't great, well, I don't have to tell every.

Speaker 1 15:23

Yeah, yeah, I know. Then I did this, and then I did this no, I know um, but fast forward to the end of high school.

Speaker 1 15:31

Um, I was just like, I think I was just really unhappy and oh we went through a divorce, you went, your parents went through divorce yeah, and after after you guys got divorced or like, really, in the midst of that, I um that, like when we lived in the house that we did after yep the one yeah, we lived in when we were growing up I didn't feel safe, like I did not want to come home, like dad scared me. He was angry all the time, he was drinking all the time, like he would like come home early and drink and I would come home like what. My walk from the bus stop was quite long and it was very we live in florida, so it's so hot and I'm carrying like this really heavy backpack and he would be home like just like you know in like his casual attire or whatever, and then he'd like walk into the garage and be like, oh, I didn't know like you were walking home, I would have picked you up and I'm like I texted you like it was my routine to text when I was five minutes away and then when I got there, and so I'm like I texted you like 15 minutes ago and then I walked 20 minutes to get home, so like that's bullshit, um, but then there was a point where I thought there was one day where I really genuinely thought he was gonna physically hurt you, like, like I was like, if we go home, like he's going to hurt you and I am afraid that, like I won't be able to just stand there and watch, like, so he'll probably hurt me too. And I like begged you to go to your friend's house that was, thankfully, lived right down the street from us, and we stayed the night there. Um, and did I spend the night too?

Speaker 2 17:24

yeah, you and I both spent the night. I know that, um, things had escalated, like we went to counseling and then it started.

Speaker 1 17:35

It wasn't like super physical, but there was a punch in the door at the other house, yeah, so things had gotten to the point where I felt like it was going to be physical well, and he had also and I don't know if, like this is something I can really say I mean, you could maybe cut it if you don't want me to, but like he had pushed jackson up the stairs, yeah, like within that same time period, and that that was like the last straw for me yeah, and that I I feel like that was like, that was like right before that time where I was like yeah, and I was like he's angry again, like, and he's really angry.

Speaker 1 18:10

He was like screaming down the street at you and I don't even remember why. We were outside but, um, I was like I told you, I was like we can't go home. We can't go home like we have to go to your friend's house um to Mr Urge's house and I was like we can't go home. We can't go home like we have to go to your friend's house um to miss search's house and.

Speaker 1 18:24

I was like please, like, let's just go. And like at first you were like a little hesitant, but I was like, because I didn't, I thought I was gonna make it worse, no, and I know, and I was like it can't get worse, like it can't get worse than this, like we can't let it get worse than this um, and I remember being all right with letting you guys go, but I didn't know if I should go.

Speaker 2 18:42

I remember Did you go without me at first?

Speaker 1 18:46

I don't think so. Okay, but maybe I don't know. It's hard for me to fully remember those details, but yeah, that that period was really hard. And then at school I had a teacher who was like I had told, like I'm like my parents are getting divorced, I'm like I actually feel really good about it, like I'm I'm really happy, like I'm relieved, and he was like, well, like that's a sin, like he starts like basically preaching to me and I and I really looked up to this teacher, like I liked him a lot and when he said that to me I was like I felt like how dare you, yeah, judge me and my family? You don't even know, yeah, what is happening, um, and which is so um also like who says that I don't know.

Speaker 2 19:33

Who says that what I?

Struggles With Parental Expectations

Speaker 2 19:35

I did go to a pastor yeah, no, yeah, I know, I remember you because I did feel like the same way, I felt like I was doing something against God and that I was um breaking my vows and I didn't know what to do. And also I think I told you in the in the last week that, um, I like thought that I did think he was a good dad, but not when he started behaving like that. Then I started to see. But also I thought it was going to be difficult for you you especially Because you were always the kid that would go back and forth between us.

Speaker 2 20:10

You were never like all about me or all about him. Like, even when you were like 18 months old I remember this we had to take you to the emergency room. It was very scary and you were in a lot of pain and you would cry and scream and then you would want me, and then you would want him and then you would want me. So there was never like Jackson was like all about me when he was born, yeah, um, and later on you and I became dad you still call us two peas in a pod. Later on we were very connected and close and um, but when in the early part of your life it wasn't like that, you like adored him yeah and so it was.

Speaker 2 20:51

Um, that was the part that I was afraid that it was going to be hard for you yeah and I didn't know, I didn't know how, I didn't know what to do with that. So, um, but you're right, so he so, so he he pushed jackson and um, and that was a scary.

Speaker 1 21:07

I do remember like bits and pieces of that and then he like said he didn't like the second after he pushed him.

Speaker 2 21:14

I like witnessed it happen and you like walked around behind her. Yeah, I was behind him. I thought I was behind him on the stairs, yeah, okay. And then you were like so upset, I'm like no, I was behind him, I thought.

Speaker 1 21:21

I was behind him on the stairs, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 21:22

And then you were like, and I was so upset and I'm like stop.

Speaker 1 21:24

And I was like stop right now and he was like I didn't do anything, he fell. And I was like he did not fall, you just pushed him into the stairs, like. And then I remember that, like before it was like before you guys were officially like divorced or that was like really like fully happening. You were like you were on the phone with somebody in your bathroom and I don't know like what I thought. I like I thought you had said like I think I'm gonna try and make it work or like, or I don't think I'm gonna get a divorce yet, and I like barged in. I was like like begging and pleading like that was.

Speaker 2 22:01

That was a huge moment, yeah.

Speaker 1 22:03

I was like, please, you can't, you can't, you can't take this away. Like it was like you can't take the idea of safety away from me. Like this, like please, keep going, like you can do it, like you have to do it, yeah, um, and then you did, and that next year was hard. It was really hard because I was like basically a picture of you to dad, so, like everything I did, he was angry at me, like I couldn't do anything that made him happy. It was like just me, like existing was like he was irritated, just me, like existing was like he was irritated.

Speaker 1 22:45

And um, and then, like, if I wanted to talk to you while it was like his time, then like he would try and like look at my phone or like like, look at my texts. Like I remember we used to have like a code word, like if he, if I knew he was coming in, that I would be like stars are out, yep, stars are out. Do you think the stars are going to? Stars are gonna be out tonight, yeah, and like I used to like change your name and my phone so I could text you, like and he wouldn't like go looking for it.

Speaker 1 23:08

Like it was, like I felt like I was trapped like, and I mean, like that was even when, like I got lice and he like didn't help me and I like brushed my head so hard until it bled and I came over and treated the house. Yeah, when he wasn't there, he was like gone and yeah. So it was like at that point like I knew like I didn't want to live with him anymore. I like I just physically couldn't do it any longer and so, um, I spoke up and I said like I think I told you first. I was like I don't want to, I can't, I need to live with you full time.

Speaker 1 23:49

And you had such a hard time. You were like cause it was like such a conflict in your brain. It was like and I remember when we were talking about it that you were like relating it heavily to like how you felt about your dad. Yeah, and I was like it's not the same. Like I felt like I wanted to like shake everyone around me and just be like please, let me not live here anymore. Yeah, um, like I'm scared.

Speaker 2 24:15

I didn't want to take. I didn't want to take away your dad from you. I didn't want to be like the reason why you felt like you didn't have a dad yeah, and I never thought that.

Speaker 1 24:26

It was like. I never thought that that was your fear. Yeah, for me. And I was like that is not what you're doing, like you're giving me a safe place to live, like I can't keep doing this anymore, um, and then he hated me for that and blamed me for that and said it was my choice to leave him and all this stuff which he was fine in the beginning, though, like he's, he was well, he acted fine yeah, when I first told him and then he held it against you yeah, and then it was like something that I was like punished for, for and he would never have let you if he had, if we had gone back to court and I had asked for the support because I had full-time yeah, custody, um, so I didn't.

Speaker 2 25:09

That was part of the reason why I was like I'm not even gonna say anything. I'll figure this out myself, because I don't want it to be about the money.

Speaker 1 25:17

Yeah, because I knew it would be yeah, yeah, I was like I was afraid of that too, but at the same time I was I think I was 15- yeah, and so it just would have been so complicated it would have been very complicated.

Speaker 1 25:29

For sure, I'm very grateful that you didn't do that. But in my head I'm like, what's he gonna do? Like chain me to my bed, like yeah, I'm gonna have a car next year, so like I'll just leave, um, and so that was really a difficult part. But then when I was 17, um, I think I was just like just like so out of it, like I just like I don't know, like just so disassociated from myself and like everything that was happening and like how I really felt about things and like the friends I had, and it was just like I wasn't happy.

Speaker 2 26:10

Like.

Speaker 1 26:10

I never like had gotten to a point of being like okay, like I'm content, like school got so much harder and it was like so much pressure and everybody wanted me to be like this perfect version in school because I got straight A's forever. That was like the norm for me so. And I remember like when I was in my junior year I, um I got a B in AP bio. I fucking hated that class. Um, it was like horrible and I felt so bad, but then I was like like a, b is good, yeah and where do you think like I didn't expect perfection, I yeah.

Speaker 1 26:49

I think, like when I I remember distinctly when I was a lot younger um, there was a point I think I was in second grade and um, I like didn't complete like a spelling test or something like that, and dad was like so mad that I had gotten like I think I got like a D. It was like the first time I ever got like a D and he was like how could you like do this? Like you get A's, like you, like you, I can't believe like you failed like this, like you need to apologize, and like go back and fix it and like do extra work. And yeah, and I was like in trouble for like getting a D. I don't remember that at all.

Speaker 2 27:33

Yeah, and I remember like being really like okay well, I guess like I, because he wasn't a good student himself yeah, and, and I was so confused, I just don't remember there being that kind of pressure. I know that, like the example I set of putting so much pressure on myself, was not helpful for you and expecting like perfection of myself.

Speaker 1 27:55

But I didn't expect that from you, but I guess I also don't know that like that was like ever completely voiced to me Because I had such high expectations of myself that that was just like okay, well, like she just has that, so it's that's okay, and not that you were like, but you started.

Speaker 2 28:17

This is when, when the eating yeah, Okay, started. This is when, when the um eating yeah, okay, so I. You started. Like to seem as if you were really thin and.

Speaker 1 28:30

I was really, I was worried about you yeah, and at that point, though, like it was like the only thing that I feel like I was in control of, um, which is with anorexia like that's, which we will also talk about on a separate podcast, so we won't go as in depth about that, but like that's a lot of where that comes from is like wanting to gain control, um, but I, I think that it was like I feel like I could do nothing right.

Speaker 1 29:00

And like I think it was like I feel like I could do nothing right and like that was a core belief I had because of the things Dad would say to me. Like it was like if I helped, I was just an annoying helper that like did too much, I was in the way, but if I didn't, then I was like not doing enough and like how could I?

Speaker 2 29:16

Because I should be doing more than that, there was a lot of expectations around Jackson, with you and you, but then it also seeming like, well, don't be bossy.

Speaker 1 29:30

And then so it was like you couldn't get it right.

Speaker 2 29:32

There was nothing I could do. That was right, and so then, like whenever you're managing your food, was your way of controlling some of that? I, but I, like I know you said you didn't remember that I took you to a doctor. Do you remember having the conversation when you came home from dance?

Navigating Eating Disorders and Mental Health

Speaker 2 29:47

Yeah, I remember you telling me I took you to the doctor and she said that you were in a normal weight range. I still didn't believe her. I still felt like she's got to be wrong Because, like, bones were sticking out. So I did not feel like that was all right. I don't know, I don't know what to do at that point. Yeah, and then you had a realization, like it wasn't very long after that, when you came home and you're like I see what you're talking about yeah, because I.

Speaker 1 30:17

But the thing is, is that, like whenever, like the way I think you were so scared, yeah, and so like the way that you approached it was not a way I could receive it, because you were like I think, like you're too thin, and I was like, for fuck's sake, like I am either overweight or I'm underweight, or like I'm like what do you want from? Like that's how I felt about the whole world, because I'm like, when I felt like I was heavier, I should have been losing weight, or like it was. I mean like the like wellness stuff in our family was big, like I mean, dad was on steroids all the time. And like working out, and you both really took the gym seriously.

Speaker 1 30:58

No, you're right, we both were like like a massive working yeah so it was like okay, well, like I'm too heavy, I'm too thin, I'm like I can't get to the in between, like I don't know what that looks like I don't remember ever telling you that I thought you were too heavy no you didn't say I was too heavy.

Speaker 1 31:14

But I remember, like, coming to you and being like you, you thinking you were too heavy and I was like well, if she thinks she's too heavy, like I'm nowhere close to how she looks, so like that's that in my mind I'm like well, then she must think that I'm just like no massive and then, like my body, dysmorphia from there was like yeah it like grew to a point where I didn't know like it was, like I couldn't understand like the difference between the two.

Speaker 2 31:43

That's so understandable. Like that, that's not a um I'm so sorry for leading that kind of example and not like accepting myself or loving myself, because I never looked at you and thought, like I always looked at you and just thought you were just the most wonderful, beautiful person I had ever seen. So to me it's like I I did get scared when I thought that, yeah, you had, because I thought you were gonna, it was gonna hurt you. Like I, I thought it was gonna impact you or impact your health, or something was more was going on, and so I was scared. Um, but I, yeah, I I never thought that the way that I felt would have such an impact on you. Like that, I feel terrible.

Speaker 1 32:33

I don't want you to feel terrible about that, and we've had this conversation before where I've told you like I forgive you for that, like I don't hold that against you, like there's not like resentment, that I feel like I don't blame you, like there there's so much. Yeah, that goes into that, and also like I lived in a world where social media yeah was first. That was, that was when, like I had Instagram, when it was the brown camera yeah, and you know I I listened to this podcast and he taught.

Speaker 2 33:02

He says it's going to be the worst thing. We're going to realize one day it was the worst thing we could have ever done to our kids yeah, and I think that's a part of the reason why.

Speaker 1 33:11

There's things that I say to Jake where I'm like I don't want our kids to have social media until they're older like so so much older that like it's like we have no choice but to be like. Well, now I can't really control whether they have it or not.

Speaker 2 33:26

Like.

Speaker 1 33:26

I'm like, until they can just do it on their own. Let them have it until they go to college, until they're a freshman in college, like there's a part of me that I'm like, yeah, like I love that. I mean, there's another part where I'm like I think there are a lot of benefits.

Speaker 2 33:39

I think it's like that with anything where it's like because you don't want people to feel excluded and all the things that go along with that, but I um and not everybody's not on the same page, but they're, you know, they're talking about age gating it, and well, that can be a whole nother yeah, that's a whole, nother separate conversation.

Speaker 1 33:57

All right, so um so the reason that I like honestly, like it didn't get worse. Well, I remember looking in the mirror one day at dance and I like, had we like? Our uniform was like black leggings and a black shirt, and I just like, was like, oh, like I. I actually saw what I looked like, like the body dysmorphia like disappeared for just a moment and I was scared and like, and the other thing, too, was that like it wasn't just you that had said like I'm worried, it was like my teachers started saying like you're too thin or like this and that, and it wasn't in a nice no way, it's like a criticism. Yeah, and I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 2 34:42

I don't know what you want me to do about that.

Speaker 1 34:44

Um and but then I left. When I left high school and I went to camp as a counselor, it was like the first time that I'd ever like had no pressure around eating like in high school. Like had no pressure around eating like in high school, which, like this, is so crazy to me to think about.

Speaker 2 35:07

I had like 15 minutes yeah, that's for lunch.

Speaker 1 35:08

Like they technically said, we had 30, but it's like if you were buying lunch, the line was like at least 10-15 minutes long and then you'd have to find somewhere to sit and then if you had to go to the bathroom, you weren't allowed to go when you got back to class, because why didn't you do that?

Speaker 2 35:22

during your lunch break.

Speaker 1 35:24

So it was like, by then I had like 10, 15 minutes to eat.

Speaker 2 35:28

So you had a pressure-free lunch at camp, and also like just surrounded by love and acceptance.

Speaker 1 35:34

Yeah, and it was like nobody was looking at you for eating this or eating that.

Speaker 1 35:39

And it was regimented Like there was you ate breakfast at this time, you ate lunch at this time, you ate dinner at this time and I was around kids, like I was in charge of kids, so like I'm not gonna not eat, yeah, in front of this group of kids I'm in charge of, yeah.

Speaker 1 35:52

So that, honestly, like saved me from going even deeper into that eating disorder that I was in. And then, after that, like I realized I wanted to like get counseling like from someone and talk a little more about that, because I had a friend who was in a more severe state than I had been, yeah, and I thought I was going to lose her, yeah, and. And then that was really when I was like I had this or like I'm kind of in recovery from this, but I didn't really get. You know what I mean. So that was like kind of the overview of that part. But then, like, as I like became an adult, I started looking into more mental health resources for myself and, like you helped me with that and realizing that I needed medication.

Speaker 1 36:47

Yeah, um, and I feel like I've had like every medication under the sun. You have had a lot, um, so have I. Yeah, but, um, it was. That was hard, and finding the right person is so hard, so hard. I mean, I've had a counselor ghost me. I've had a counselor tell me my eating disorder wasn't real and that I was making it up. Um, yeah, so like throughout that it was just like up and down. And then, thankfully, I found the counselor that I most recently had and the psychiatrist.

Speaker 1 37:25

Um, the psychiatrist I used to be with was like fine for that time period. But then I found the psychiatrist I currently have, um, and it was like all in like divine timing because, uh, 2021 was like the worst mental health year ever. Like I really didn't think that I would make it to like right now, yeah, like it was like so painful that I was like I just like I just remember telling Jake like it hurts, like it hurts, it hurts like I can't, like I don't know what to do, and he was like what hurts hurts, like I mean like anyone wanted to do anything and I'm like I don't know, like everything hurts, like I don't, I can't if this is how life is gonna be. Like, I can't do it. Like there, I just can't. And um, and I like was close to like making that choice. Um, but I had people like in, like in my community, like it was like I really truly was set up like by God to get through that like how I was supposed to. Um, the people at like our church were like well versed in that and um, there, uh, there were the people that the pastor's wife currently was the one I called on the night that I really like couldn't, yeah, handle it.

Speaker 1 38:53

Um, I had my that counselor that I was working with who, like I also was able to reach out to like there was a plan in place like like everything worked out how it was supposed to, but like it was, it was so rough and then, like getting out of that it was just really hard. But I am like really glad like that I had all of that Like I feel like really like blessed to have like been able to lean into, into like the things I was given yeah, even when I felt like there was such a lack of things that I didn't have. Yeah, um and yeah, and then, from there, like I did a lot of work on myself. I did um TMS therapy, um which is I think it's transmagnetic stimulation. I believe that's what that stands for, and that didn't really work for me. It was technically a failed treatment and then I continued to try different medications and a bunch of them failed and you found out that you had a fast metabolism of that kind of medication.

Speaker 2 40:05

right, yeah, it delivered something. Yeah, failed.

Speaker 1 40:06

and then you found out that you had like a fast metabolism of of that kind of medication. Yeah, liver, yeah, there was. Well, I had like a bunch of different random things and like the psychiatrist I was with also wasn't trying medication for long enough, and that's when I left her and because she was like I don't know what to do with you she like literally said which is just unbelievable yeah yeah. So um, reckless, yes, very reckless, um.

Speaker 1 40:27

And then I found the psychiatrist I have now who tried me on a medication I had tried before and she was like we're gonna try this for longer, yeah, and we're gonna like see it through and I'm still gonna like work with you and like and it I'm still on it yeah, wow, wow, I don't think I realized that, yeah wow, yep, yeah, um, and we tried like different things to help with sleep too, but like then we found that and I've been on that for probably a year now and I'm on less, so that way like I don't have to take as much and um, yeah, and then I, after like doing a lot of counseling and stuff, I feel like I really grew.

Speaker 1 41:12

But then I did um coaching with Teresa, who's like one of my very best friends, and um, that was like I remember talking to you about that and I felt like I was just like new. Yeah, I was like all right, like I'm ready for the next thing, like I'm like good, I, yeah, I feel that way she was definitely like just yeah, it was like a, it was a God thing when I met her.

Speaker 1 41:38

Yeah, Um, that's a whole nother story.

Speaker 2 41:41

We'll have to tell that with her on the podcast, because that's a cool story, yeah, um.

Speaker 1 41:47

And then I was still like in my business doing like social media slash, virtual assistant work, but I didn't like it was like I always knew I that's not what I was always gonna do yeah like I feel like I'm talented in those things, like sure, I am very strong with organizational work and I like have a very good understanding of marketing, like, especially over time, like I've learned a lot, but it's not. It's not like what I meant to do, like I'm meant to like help people and like I always knew that and not that I'm saying that that doesn't help people, but like I meant like help people in like an emotional way and connect with people, like that. Um, and then I kind of like decided like that's really what I want to do. But I was scared because I was like well, am I ready for that? Like am I capable of doing that?

Speaker 1 42:38

like look at me like I'm not perfect like but then I remember talking to Teresa about it and she's like you, you don't. Like, I'm not perfect. She was like nobody needs to be perfect to be able to do that. You just need to be at least one step ahead of where they are. And I was like, all right, I can do that. I am one step ahead. And then I somehow found this retreat. That was like a life-changing experience to go on and it like basically came out of nowhere, Like I didn't know anyone. I didn't know the facilitators. Pretty much everyone that was there other than me knew the facilitators somehow.

Speaker 2 43:20

And this was in Bali. Yeah, this was in Bali. So you were going to travel around the world and I never left the United Bali. Yeah, this was in Bali, so you were going to travel around the world and I never left the United States?

Speaker 1 43:27

Yeah, like never travel outside of the United States Alone.

Speaker 2 43:31

Yeah, by myself, I remember feeling so proud of you and thinking this is very exciting, like it was such a good feeling to know that you were just going to take this adventure and just do it.

Speaker 1 43:49

Yeah, yeah, I mean like even when I first found it, like I had applied for a scholarship and that's how I saw it. I think it was like an ad or something, and Teresa had sent it to me Like she saw it as just an opportunity, like oh, here's an example of whatever. And I didn't think anything of it after I applied. But they like had reached out to me, I think it was like a month or two later. So I was like I don't even remember who these people are.

Speaker 1 44:14

Yeah, initially I didn't even respond because I was like oh, spam, like whatever um and then, um, they reached out again and I was like, oh, like I think this is an actual person, like trying to talk to me. And then I got on the call with one of the facilitators, jaden, and I felt like I was like I have to do this, like I don't know why, I feel like I need to, but it's just like a yes for me, and I told her that and she was like we, we definitely want you there and like I met really good friends, I like feel like I'll love these women forever, Like I'll know them in some capacity forever and like we like bonded in a way that was like just undescribable, like it's unless you've been on a retreat really, it's so hard to describe yeah.

Speaker 1 45:06

Because it's like such a shared experience, yeah, and you're all there for the same reason, but you're all so different, yeah, so you come out of it on the other side in this like profound way, that does feel like it's life changing yeah.

Speaker 1 45:21

Yeah, yeah, and I really I, when I was there, I was like I'm going to use this when I get home, like this is not just a retreat for me, like this is sounds like a battery is about to die. Yeah, this is, um, this is my life, like I'm going to take these things and it's going to be my life, um, so yeah, and now, like I really did, like when I came back, like I told them when I was there that I wanted to do mindset coaching and mental health coaching and stuff, and um, and they were like you're going to do it, you're going to start it. And I was like, yep, I'm going to do it. And I came back and I was like I'm going to do it, like I am doing it, yeah, and I did.

Coping Tools and Self Love

Speaker 1 46:06

And now, like I have like four clients at the moment um, and you're so good at it, thank you so so good at it, thank you yeah, so it was like. It was like all of these things that obviously I don't wish them to happen again.

Speaker 2 46:23

No, yeah.

Speaker 1 46:24

But they had like prepared me so much from so many different perspectives to be able to support women and like some men, like that I know, like in ways that I wouldn beauty and like kindness, and I've also really learned to like be able to love myself and like what that looks like and how it's different, and like I'm on a gut health journey and that's been very interesting and like awesome. I've loved doing it. My coach is incredible. I think if it was anybody else, it would probably be a lot harder.

Speaker 1 47:14

But, like she, I met her in Bali, yeah.

Speaker 1 47:18

So yeah, like, and that's been something that's been just a huge shift for me and like I never would have thought I would have done something like that as a person who did experience an eating disorder, and is I mean like really you're in recovery just forever, um, and but like it had like there was a point where I was triggered in the beginning and I talked to her about it and it was fine, like everything, like it's been good and I feel really good and like that's the part that was like I was having all these, like I felt like I was having hot flashes, like during the day.

Speaker 2 47:52

Well, it sounded like you were. It all sounded so hormonal, yeah, and migraines, migraines, all the time.

Speaker 1 47:59

I was always tired, like it was just, like it was debilitating, yeah, tired like it was just like it was debilitating.

Speaker 2 48:08

Yeah, I'm like man, like okay, well, I'm not really like fully depressed, but like I got all those other things poisoning yourself?

Speaker 2 48:11

yeah, for sure, yeah, definitely, and there's like so and we're going to talk about that on a separate episode too, because I have questions about, like, how I asked katie if she'd be on the podcast oh, you said okay, good yeah because, like, there's questions that I have about like how you can, how you discuss things and how you can you ask this, can you, you know stuff like that that I I'm not going to say right now because I want to save for that episode, but, um, yeah, so I think we should go into that yeah, yeah, but that's I mean, like that's the that's.

Speaker 1 48:43

I mean like that's the gist. Now I feel like I have a toolbox, like because I don't ever want to be like I'm healed, like that's just not how it works.

Speaker 2 48:55

But having a toolbox makes all the difference, because I have a friend and she's like well, how did you know that strategy? And it was just a few simple strategies, like one of them was, you know, journaling, another was like taking deep breaths, and another one you know what. I can't remember what the other one was. Um, you know, making a vision board, whatever the, whatever it was. And, um, and she and I was like I don't know how I go.

Speaker 2 49:21

well, because I've been to counseling for so long yeah and now I have two mindset coaches and and I'm like so, and I read a lot about this and you know, listen to the podcasts and watch whatever, and and she's and I'm like these are things and these are tools, because even in counseling, like I graduated from counseling, like she released me as like someone who was finished with counseling and I'm like, oh no, I'm not ready, I'm not ready to finish counseling and and I had to call her sometimes afterwards and I think that's understand. But sometimes you forget the tools you have, yeah, and you just need a reminder of the tools that you have, but but those tools are really important to learn, for sure, and they make all the difference yeah, well, and also like the thing with learning, like coping, healthy coping mechanisms, and like learning the tools to support yourself when things are triggering or upsetting, or understanding your triggers and whatnot.

Speaker 1 50:20

Like.

Speaker 1 50:21

It's like things that you stack, like you don't just like have one and you're like good to go yeah like sometimes, like if I'm having a panic attack which is very rare now for me, but used to be extremely common it's like I'm not just going to like use my like five senses coping mechanism and then I'm not going to be in a panic attack. I'll be at the level to where I can now do a breathing exercise and then that will take me to a level where I could maybe like stop freaking out and like talk it through with someone and you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 50:53

Like it's like you have to find a bunch of those tools, so that way you can start from the foundation, and sometimes one doesn't work in that particular situation so you have to try another one. Which is completely understandable yeah. Yeah, well, thank you for sharing your story. Yeah, and thank you for tuning in.

Speaker 1 51:18

Yeah, and joining us, thank you. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 2 51:20

Yeah, so we are going to be focusing on more mental health and mindset and mom and daughter stuff, yeah, and things like that. We hope that you will mind your heart on Mondays with us. Yeah, and keep listening.