Ever wondered how the dating game changes when you hit the big five-o? Let's just say, it's not your twenty-something's scene anymore. Kendéll Lenice, The Remix Coach, joins us to unpack the rollercoaster of romance for those in their fifties. Together, we explore the nuances of online dating, why it's essential to be unapologetically you, and how to find a partner who isn't just another plus-one, but an enhancement to your life's melody. We're not just spinning old records here; we're remixing the classics with a modern twist!
Navigating the waters of love can be tricky when you and your potential partner have more history than a high school textbook. That's why we get real about dating older versusbyounger men, including the must-have conversations that could save you time and heartache. From the complex realities of post-divorce dynamics to living arrangements, we don't shy away from the questions you should be asking. Each story shared is a piece of the puzzle, revealing the unique priorities and truths each woman and man brings to the table. Trust us, these aren't your typical first date chit-chats.
As we wrap up the episode, we don't just offer advice—we offer insights into the genuine hearts out there in the dating pool. Communication is king, and we dive into why it's paramount to have those heart-to-hearts about deal-breakers, whether it’s about intimacy, finances, or lifestyle. Expect a candid discussion on everything from navigating the murky waters of 'non-exclusive' dating to the importance of finding someone who not only catches your eye but also captures your values. So, buckle up, and let's set sail on the quest for love, or at least a love worth remixing.
Follow Kendéll Lenice on IG:@kendelllenice, TikTok: @theremixcoach
Thanks for listening!
Find and follow us on Instagram and Tiktok @oldschoollovelounge.
Subscribe on YouTube: https://youtu.be/wojQSIWqI60?si=gl8IMEtocOvs1HUQ
Email us at oldschoollovelounge@gmail.com
Special thanks to our engineer Claude Jennings, Jr.
Ever wondered how the dating game changes when you hit the big five-o? Let's just say, it's not your twenty-something's scene anymore. Kendéll Lenice, The Remix Coach, joins us to unpack the rollercoaster of romance for those in their fifties. Together, we explore the nuances of online dating, why it's essential to be unapologetically you, and how to find a partner who isn't just another plus-one, but an enhancement to your life's melody. We're not just spinning old records here; we're remixing the classics with a modern twist!
Navigating the waters of love can be tricky when you and your potential partner have more history than a high school textbook. That's why we get real about dating older versusbyounger men, including the must-have conversations that could save you time and heartache. From the complex realities of post-divorce dynamics to living arrangements, we don't shy away from the questions you should be asking. Each story shared is a piece of the puzzle, revealing the unique priorities and truths each woman and man brings to the table. Trust us, these aren't your typical first date chit-chats.
As we wrap up the episode, we don't just offer advice—we offer insights into the genuine hearts out there in the dating pool. Communication is king, and we dive into why it's paramount to have those heart-to-hearts about deal-breakers, whether it’s about intimacy, finances, or lifestyle. Expect a candid discussion on everything from navigating the murky waters of 'non-exclusive' dating to the importance of finding someone who not only catches your eye but also captures your values. So, buckle up, and let's set sail on the quest for love, or at least a love worth remixing.
Follow Kendéll Lenice on IG:@kendelllenice, TikTok: @theremixcoach
Thanks for listening!
Find and follow us on Instagram and Tiktok @oldschoollovelounge.
Subscribe on YouTube: https://youtu.be/wojQSIWqI60?si=gl8IMEtocOvs1HUQ
Email us at oldschoollovelounge@gmail.com
Special thanks to our engineer Claude Jennings, Jr.
Hey y'all, welcome to the Old School Love Lounge where we talk about dating and relationships and love in your 50s. Today we're talking about dating, online dating, getting out here trying to find true love all those good things. Oh yeah, you've been on the dating apps, haven't you Tone?
Speaker 3:I have, and it has been a doozy, you know like. In preparation for this episode, I got a very interesting statistic, and this came actually from Pew Research, and it says that 57% of women 50 and older who have used dating sites or an app stand out in saying that their experiences have been negative.
Speaker 1:I'm probably in that group, but what does?
Speaker 3:that look like for men. Take a guess what do you think the percentage is for men? I'm going to go with 33. Give me some, okay, okay, okay, okay, that's close, okay. 38% of men have had negative experiences on dating sites. And it'd be interesting to find out why men have a more positive experience than women.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you know who can talk to us about that. Who do?
Speaker 3:you think Our guest? Oh yes, very excited about our guest, I'm excited too, because you found her on TikTok.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes we love some TikTok, I do love.
Speaker 3:TikTok. But you know, yeah. So our guest guess very excited, she's an expert in this field Kendal.
Speaker 1:Anise, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you for having me. Yes, Kendal is affectionately known as the remix coach, which I just love because there's a meaning behind that remix. Can you?
Speaker 2:talk to us a little bit about that. Sure, my saying is it's never too late to remix your life at any stage, age or phase, and that's in our fifties. Right, and many times over I've had to remix my life and do things differently, and sometimes remixing your life is really a matter of life and death at times, because you can't keep hitting your head up against a brick wall.
Speaker 2:At some point you got to be able to remix that thing, so yeah, so whether it's, love, whether it's career, family, friendships because you know you got to remix everything in life in order to start fresh and anew, and if it's no longer serving you or working, then you got to remix it.
Speaker 1:That's a word, yeah. I love it and you've been at this for a while I have.
Speaker 2:I always say 25 years, but it's probably like 27. Ok, 28. Okay, yeah, wow Okay.
Speaker 1:You've seen how our thinking has evolved, even over that time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think that's important as we start talking about dating in your 50s, because it's going to look different than in our 30s, oh for sure. Yeah, we dive into that first when we're just getting out here. What does it look like now versus when we were kind of setting our, getting our careers off the ground, maybe thinking about marriage and kids for the first time? But now you have this group of people who have been married yeah you know they're now divorced or never married, but in their 50s and still looking for love.
Speaker 2:Yeah well, I want to say it is possible. Okay, you know you can find love in your 50s or it can find you. Um, I know you're talking about dating apps.
Speaker 2:I had been on dating apps off and on since aol chat room oh my god, I'm not if you're busy and you're working, you're not hanging out in bars or you know, even if you're going to clubs, you might just want to go with your friends and kick it and dance. You may not be looking for people. And then I believe and there are quality people on the dating apps I do believe that, just like you would be a quality person, you're on there, I would be a quality person and I'm on there. So I do believe, believe, so I'm. I'm interested in and fascinated with that statistic. But, um, in your fifties it is different, because you're unapologetically you at least you should be you know insecurities, uh, and different things like that. They're going to come to play because we're not who we were in our thirties. This is true. Things have changed, things have dropped, things have moved to the side up down, you know it's just keeping it all the way 100.
Speaker 2:So it is going to be different, but it's only going to be as different as you make it.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 2:I think it's less stringent because you're not trying to have kids, you're not trying to see who's the best fit, who's going to be the best father, right, you're really in a different space in your life where you want to enjoy life and you want someone to enjoy life with right. You can take it or leave it. You're not desperate, you're not out there like, well, let me just get you know how some people say I can't stand it, a piece of man just to have a man. No, you want one, and they have to be an asset and accompany you and add to you in a way that maybe in your 30s the urgency might have been there. This one is like, okay, I'm still going to be me, I'm still going to do me, I'm still going to live my life, I'm still going to travel, I'm still going to see this, I'm going to go to the movies by myself or museum, or take myself out to eat.
Speaker 2:I don't think it's as rigid in your fifties, but it is scary for some who have never been married or hadn't had a significant relationship and they don't even know what that looks like, or if they're coming off of heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak and then they're like please, I'm not changing, changing, they're not changing. I gotta find somebody who might be missing this or who be who might be lacking that, who can't do this or can't do that. I like to be active, I like to rock climb, I like to, uh, go to walk, on walks, I like to do different physical activities, and sometimes these dudes in in their fifties my knees hurt, my back hurt, my ankle hurt.
Speaker 3:I just got hit replacement Like who got tripped up.
Speaker 2:But the problem is is I don't like younger men, Like I'm not a cougar. I want an older man who is active and who is doing things and wants to do things. I like to go skating. You know how many times I've been on the dating apps and going on dates. So are you going to skate?
Speaker 3:Well, I can't, because the way my knees are set up and the way this is, you know I'm like dude. Really Can we talk about like dating younger versus older, because I think that's a conversation that Stacey and I have had quite often.
Speaker 3:Like you know, for the very same reasons, um, that that you're you're speaking about, I mean, I mean, and to be like real transparent, we've talked a lot about in you know, when it surrounds sex, because I think that one of the things that I'm going to speak for myself that I've noticed that at the age, at this age, you find a lot of men who are dealing with erectile dysfunction, right, and so it's like, do you go younger? Because, you know, as you get older, you know this is an issue that a lot of men are really not dealing with they don't really want to deal with it.
Speaker 3:So then do you go to a younger guy, or do you try to I guess you know walk out this challenge with an older, you know a man your age.
Speaker 2:Yeah that is a good point and I know a lot of people are dealing with that. Especially if men have diabetes, it's hard to get erect. You know, if they're dealing with or have other medication or other issues, it's hard to do it. You know. Blue pill you got to wait, I think, x amount of time.
Speaker 2:You know it's never in the moment kind of thing. From what I'm hearing, they have to take it and then you have to wait for a minute and all of this other stuff. So I do believe that is an issue. It's not an issue for all men over their fifties, but, um, a lot of men are experiencing that, and then a lot of women want youth because, you know, even though we're over 50, we're youthful, like my age is over 50, but I don't feel that in any way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, in any way. So it's difficult if you're dealing with a man who is not as youthful or you know so, with with sex. I think that is an issue for a lot of people and that's why they go younger, and sometimes we're going to keep it real some younger men have it going on more than the older ones when it comes to being established, when it comes to business, when it comes to finances and different things like that, but then you're dealing with little kids you're dealing with sometimes ex-wives or baby mamas.
Speaker 2:You're dealing with the insecurities of young men dealing with an older woman, right, but then you're dealing with older men who may be set in their ways a little bit, or coming off of divorce, coming off of a financial hardship, coming off of, you know, child support or whatever it is, and usually the older men are in a rebuilding season.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel like you're telling my stories, a lot of my experiences. It's real, though it's real so with all of that.
Speaker 1:A lot of that is communication, though, when you're out here dating and meeting people. So what are some of those questions we should be asking sort of in the beginning, as we're dating some of these, let's say, older men, so that we can kind of get to the heart without driving them away or scaring them? Away but just saying like what's your situation? So I know I want to deal with it.
Speaker 2:And that's and that's, but you know what. That's real and that's what comes in your fifties Like. You don't have time to play games. You don't have time to waste. Let's just get right to it, right? So what's the deal? Are you emotionally available? Can I be emotionally safe with you? You know what's going on, what's in your situation. Are you divorcing? Are you separated? Are you in the same house as your ex-wife or you?
Speaker 2:you know it's real situations that happen like that, like cut right to it Like who got time to be sitting there talking about pasta cheese and you got two dates talking about do you like grapes, do you like mushroom, are you allergic to onion, like some of that stuff? We just get right to it, yeah, some of that stuff is irrelevant, right like what's the deal because if all of these other things don't match up, I don't care if you are allergic to onions, like that's not going to be my place. That's going to be the next lady that's sitting in this seat because I'm gone.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:So it's really like getting to the heart of it, and you want to see if a man is open and able to communicate, because that number, that's right there and that's why I used to like online dating. I used to eliminate so many people. I'm just going to keep it all the way 100. Who couldn't read, I mean, who couldn't write, yes. Who couldn't spell, who couldn't put a sentence together. I'm reading this like what are you saying, dude? Like I can't even figure it out. That eliminates some people. So I loved that part of it. And are you able to express yourself in written form? Like, are you able to do that? And so you know you really want to just get to the questions that are important to you. Each woman has a different perspective or a different question that they want to ask that's important to them, so it's not like a one size fits all.
Speaker 3:Do you think that there are any questions that are like off the table, that should not be asked, like when you're first getting to know somebody, because sometimes certain questions can make a man or a woman feel turned off 100%?
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, you don't want to start with. Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction, like that's?
Speaker 1:not something that you want to bring to the table.
Speaker 2:Because then he talking about why we going to do it, like why you want to know, you want to know tonight.
Speaker 3:Listen, you need to know for later, for later.
Speaker 2:Well, maybe the second or third date, because then you don't want him to think, unless you just want somebody's son.
Speaker 3:Yes, Maybe if you don't have any health conditions that we might.
Speaker 2:But you know, with HIPAA and everything, maybe you don't want to ask that. The first date.
Speaker 3:But I doubt if anybody would come out and say oh, by the way.
Speaker 2:Now, if you see a prescription fall out, then park it. Park it, Then it's free day. Like what is that? You know what's that for? But, um, I think that you can ask real conversations if they're over 50 as well. Like, do you mind if I be blunt, Can I ask you some few, few few questions? Like because I know I wasn't sure when I was dating online.
Speaker 2:I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married again. Yeah, I wasn't sure. You know I was wanted to be that old couple with the cookout Dang. They've been together 35 years, you know, they're still in a partnership and so I was struggling with that. But in those moments I was 100 percent sure that I wasn't going to do it again, Right, and I remember one guy sat there at the table and he almost cussed me out. Well, what you mean? Because I want to get married, I want to do so. We had that conversation. I think we had gone out two times, so we were already there and he bought it up. So don't feel that as a woman, you're going to have to be the one to always bring it up, because these men out here, contrary to what people think, they are ready to commit. They are ready for a relationship.
Speaker 2:So I'd be like, good grief, can you get my, my, my, my, my last name?
Speaker 3:I feel like I feel like we have met before and we have had this conversation over coffee. Can I put my feet up on your couch? Absolutely Listen.
Speaker 1:we have had this conversation over coffee. Can I put my?
Speaker 3:feet up on your couch, absolutely Listen. We have had this conversation several times right and I'm always saying to Stacey, because a lot of ways I feel the same way. It's like I was on the dating apps.
Speaker 2:I'm not any longer on the dating apps, but that's a story for another time.
Speaker 3:Yes, but not sorry men. Well, sorry, because the men drove me off the app.
Speaker 3:Sorry, because they don't get to experience you yeah the experiences drove me off the app, but definitely you are right, I do feel like at this age, this 50 plus, they definitely want to get married. And I found myself having the conversation way too soon, Like the question would be do you want to get married? And I'm like, well, this is only like the first, not not, do they not? Do they want to get married to me? But like, is this something that you see you want? Yeah, yeah, and, and, and. If not, I need to keep it moving.
Speaker 1:Yeah, never introduced that question.
Speaker 2:Well, we know we should, but maybe, but we don't because we don't want to drive the person away. Oh, these men aren't they're not playing games, these men. One thing about the men, and that's a misconception I agree.
Speaker 2:Men want a commitment. Men want to get married. Men want to be in relationship with you. Men want to take you off the market. They want to be clear in that and they are making it clear out here Like they're not playing any games. I have not met a man online that didn't want a relationship or a commitment.
Speaker 3:So, Kendall, let me ask you something Does this have to do with the fact that we're in the 50 plus age range? Because I feel like in my 20s and 30s that was not the case.
Speaker 1:Definitely not the case. I think in our 20s we were more like kind of waiting right. To see where the relationship was going, and what are we doing?
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Are we committed? Yes and now men are telling us point blank, like you said, this is what I want.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and some people think that because men have done everything that they wanted to do in younger ages I hear that often and now they're ready to commit. But I think we don't give men enough credit. I think they were ready in their 20s and 30s. Even if they thought that they were ready, they might have realized they were not. But I think that men are ready in their 30s and 40s in some cases and spaces of course not all and some realize they're not ready into their 50s or 60s or when they feel like their opportunities are drying up. And now let's, I'm ready to settle down and be like do you 66? Like now you're ready to settle down? You know some people. I know people who are experiencing that with people. I know people have been with people for years waiting for them to commit and they've been dating, you know, and they they're ready at in their 60s.
Speaker 1:So there's that yeah, I think um the mindset in which you come into the dating scene also plays a big part, doesn't it yeah?
Speaker 2:it really does, because you have to have the right mindset. And the thing is, how can you expect anybody else to know what they want If you're coming in there not knowing what you want? You have to be clear and precise. But then you also have to allow room for God to take place in the um, this, the natural forces in the relationship to take place. And I think so many people come with an agenda they want to check off. But sometimes you just have to allow you know life to just take space and take hold. But, um, the mindset is very important. If you think there's no good dudes out there, then there's no good dudes out there.
Speaker 1:That is true, you know what?
Speaker 2:I mean, if you think you know like there's too many great men out there, I will say for me there's too many great. You know black men out there that come on now. You know too many. I'm sure you know friends who are, or husbands of other. You know there are a lot of great men out there. But I think if you think that the dating pool has P in it, then it has P in it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. Are you willing to change your mindset and say you know what you know today? I may meet somebody today. Or I'm willing to go on a dating app, or I'm willing for that friend who has been asking for years to hook me up with somebody. I'm willing to do that. And when you change that, it's not going to happen. This never is to okay. This is a possibility for me. There are men out there. What can I do to be a participant in my own love mission?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. I mean, I think I've definitely been one that need a mindset remit. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Some of us are coming off hurt too and jumping right back in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Dealing with other traumas that maybe we don't recognize because they're not, maybe, right at the surface but they're there yeah, and they come into play when we're dealing with somebody 100 and I you know, I, as a healing coach, that's the first thing I get to. I talk about okay, this, you're unhealed is showing. So what is happening? Because it's not I I had someone that I coached it's like, ok, I've never, I don't want it. Love, I don't want, and I'm like you do. I said because you're saying that, but everything that you're doing, you're in preparation to find love.
Speaker 2:I'm not trying to deal with these dudes out here and it's because of the hurt and pain. So let's figure out why and how and who hurt you and move forward from that and really focus on what you really want. You know what I mean, people, if I ask someone all day long, what do you want in a relationship, they have no idea. But they'll tell you all day long and twice on Sunday what they don't want. Yes, but people don't know. And I'm like that's where you have to start. So you have to get out of the dating game and you have to focus on what you want, right, because you're not going to bring that about.
Speaker 2:If you have no idea, then when the dude comes, he don't even do this, he don't even do. Well, you don't even do that for yourself, like you're not even taking yourself out to eat, but you want somebody to take you out to eat. You're not you. You don't want to pay for a concert ticket. You want somebody else to do it for you, but you're not doing that. Do the things that you want a man to do. So when he steps in, he's already in action. He's like okay, I see she likes this, she likes to do this, let me go do this. But if you're not doing something on your own, a man is not going to be apt to.
Speaker 3:You know, go ahead and do it and I think that's a good point because, you know, one of the questions that we, you know, wanted to ask was when you're going on a date, like what are some of the expectations, right? I mean, I think that leads us you know that's a good leading point to this question Like, when you're about to date, we women and men have different expectations, for example, like who's going to pay for the date.
Speaker 3:Are we going 50-50? You know who should call who, who should set up the date. You know, these are things that I find like when I am on social media.
Speaker 3:These are some of the topics that really get men and women in an uproar. Yeah Right, women have these expectations that men should be footing the whole bill. And then men feel like you know, if I'm footing the bill, you know what are you going to do for me afterwards in some cases, or in some cases, they feel like the women should be paying for the day or paying half of the day. So you know what are some of the ways that we can, as men and women, sort of work that out ahead of time and manage the expectations.
Speaker 2:You mean like when you first meet somebody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's sad that we're still having that discussion in our 50s.
Speaker 3:Yeah, let's just put that out there. Very much so.
Speaker 2:Most men who are old school, they're going to pay for the meal Like I've never had a problem with that, I've never even thought about that. But if it was to a point where I had to pay for it, I would. And then, as you start dating, you want to do things for each other. You don't want one person to just be given, given, given, and you're sitting back, taking, taking, taking, and most people cannot match each other with, maybe, what they're doing. But you do the little things that you can do, you know, to show that, hey, I'm a participant in this too. It's not just about me taking from you. I'm willing to give what I can give to. It may be smaller things or maybe larger things, depending on what it is, but I do. I am old fashioned in that way where if a man takes you out to eat, then he would pay, but it's not like I'm above paying. If he needed me to pay, then I got it. You know what I mean and that's really what partnership is and that's what you're you're looking for.
Speaker 3:So if a woman asks a man out, what's the expectation If a man and?
Speaker 2:that's and that's been a question too, and that's been a question too. If a woman asks a man out, normally what I have seen happen and what I have seen play out in my dating experience or friends or people that I coach, is when a woman asks a man out and if they're over 50, the man is still going to say put your wallet away, I'm going to pay. That's the real, that's how it's, that's the old, that's how the old school, now the young dudes.
Speaker 3:So okay, it's coming from the expert, okay, so what I'm?
Speaker 2:hearing from the young ones. I'm just saying, uh, yeah, I was talking to a 21 year old. She was like these dudes are trash. She was like I literally had this conversation. She was like like these dudes are trash. She said they're not like my daddy anymore. She said they don't. She said I'm going older. She said because they don't want to do nothing.
Speaker 2:She's like these dudes want to live the soft life and they want women to take care of them. But when you have a man over their 50s and they were raised a certain way, it's like they feel like that is their responsibility. If they're interested in you to take good care of you and it's not a thing where you would need them to do it it's because they want to do it. It's not like you're going to require and say, okay, this is what you're going to do, you're going to pay for this, you're going to do this, it's not. It's not that way and I think some women come off wrong and entitled, thinking okay, this is what you got to do for me. They don't got to do nothing for you, right? Nothing for you, right. And if you're just sitting back taking, you're never going to find something that's substantial and real.
Speaker 3:Right, you know what I mean. Yeah, so you're saying there should be some sort of reciprocity in this? Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because no man wants to feel like they're just being used for a meal. Yeah, you know, no man wants to feel like, ok, you're calling me now because you want to go out and you want me to spend my money. And I've heard women say this Well, I'm going to just date him because you know it's a free meal. Get seafood Now.
Speaker 3:If you're working in your 50s on trying to get a free meal, then you got bigger fish to fry.
Speaker 2:Literally. You need to work on something else. If you still out here tricking, I'm just going to say it, can I say, it?
Speaker 3:You can say it Tricking for meals. That's a problem, and I do hear men say that that's what women do, which I find incredibly unbelievable. Yeah, they do. It must be true, though. Yeah.
Speaker 2:We hear it a lot, yeah, but these men are out here dating. I remember one time I was dating dating app and the guy was like I was his last date of the day. I was dinner, he did breakfast, he had one day and he had a second date and this was. He was a fine guy, you know. I could see why he had his, his choices, which is fine. I didn't see when he told me he was like you did that, were sitting, and he was like I had two dates. Today we're dating. I literally just just met you. So I was very fascinated. I was in that. I was like so what do you look for? He's like I'm trying to find someone and I'm intentional about that where some women might have been like well dang, I'm number three. Well, he was like I did pick you for dinner and that's the law.
Speaker 2:I was like okay, but you, but you know still, you know, I wasn't, you know, upset he actually, I think he lived around here but um yeah, that was so long ago, that was so long ago.
Speaker 2:Dude's probably married now and do you know doing, but that was many, many years ago. But, um, like I said, I told you I've been dating online for for a minute. But um, it's so interesting, but when it's supposed to happen, it's gonna happen, and it may not even happen online. Or it may not happen the way that you think. Or it may not happen with all the particulars, like, if I'm paying for dinner, you're paying for dinner. Who said I love you first? You're supposed to do this. It's not even gonna matter you know what?
Speaker 3:I met a guy that had like a system, you know because he was. He said that he was spending so much money dating. You know that it was like he had a phone call. Then it was we are going to video chat and then we will have coffee and then we will have a date and I was like like okay, I mean, I get that. Yeah, he had, you know, his whole like program and that's how he would weed out and and then in turn spend less money because, he knew that he was going to have to pay.
Speaker 3:You know, or the expectation would be that he was going to have to pay for?
Speaker 2:the date yeah.
Speaker 3:So he had his little system. And if you managed to make your way through, then you would. You would get taken out to dinner.
Speaker 2:So I was like so literally it's levels to this, it's really but, I, think that that's smart, because no dude should be mortgaging their house to see to find today Right.
Speaker 2:So I know online a lot of people will do that meet and greet. Yeah, they'll be like, okay, let's meet, you know, at a coffee shop, let's meet at a local restaurant, let's meet for a walk. And I know and I've talked to women about this I know some women, like you ain't just meeting and greeting me Like I need a meal, like you're not, we're not meeting at Starbucks. I know a woman who was eating her words right now because they're on year two in their relationship and she was not going to go on the date because it was at Starbucks. Uh-uh, over 100%.
Speaker 3:But they're still together. They're still together.
Speaker 2:I said I bet you're happy you went on that Starbucks date. You know what I mean. So now every time she rides past Starbucks she's like that's where we at. I was like Starbucks she's like, that's what we have.
Speaker 3:But you know, that brings us to like the whole cheesecake factory, the cheesecake factory, the whole cheese factory debate right, because it's like where do you go, or what's good enough, or what you know, like what is going to be okay for the woman to be, like, you know what is deemed appropriate, you know for a first date.
Speaker 2:I hope she's looking, because I'm going to look at her like this.
Speaker 1:I know I mean that's a good conversation to have in the beginning.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What's a good date for you?
Speaker 2:You know what? What's your ideal date? Cheesecake Factory gives you a lot of food.
Speaker 3:You can have dinner and lunch and dinner again Right, right, exactly so Right.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly so. First of all, there's nothing wrong with Cheesecake Factory. I agree. You know they have great options. There are a lot of options if you have diet restrictions or if you have anything. You want this or that, or big or small, or healthy, or it's a variety of different things. So if you cannot find something at Cheesecake Factory, right. And with that scenario, he had booked a five star restaurant for her to go to. He certainly took 51 hours getting ready and they missed their reservation, which she did not know, yes. So then they get to Cheesecake Factory and she decided sides to go For those that don't know. She decides to go live, yes. And he's like wait a minute, you live. And she's like I can't believe.
Speaker 2:This guy took me to Cheesecake Factory and everybody was like, girl, what's wrong with Cheesecake Factory? And then they started attacking her, which I don't approve of, yeah, attacking how she looks. And you, you know, you lucky, you go all of that, let's stick to. You know what's here. And then he was so gracious. He said, okay, he came back around that car. He said, well, let's talk about that. And then he told her her walls began to come down, but at that point she's showing who she is. Allow people to show who they are, cause they're going to show you who they are right off the top. Yeah, like you're not going to have to wait for a long time, you're going to see. And he saw and she was like well, I guess I'll go. He was like no. He said where are we going?
Speaker 3:He said home, you know what If you made me miss the reservation? That would have been the end of the date, right there.
Speaker 2:I would not have even scheduled another restaurant.
Speaker 3:Like in my eyes, she was lucky to even for him to be so gracious to do that Exactly.
Speaker 1:Why are you making him wait? Right, right, right, and I think you know and again you know.
Speaker 3:I think that's part of some of the complaints that we hear from you know, from men, right? Yeah, like that women have these very unrealistic expectations.
Speaker 1:And, and, and actually it makes me think a lot about Kevin Samuels and some of the stuff that we would witness.
Speaker 3:The high value, yes, going back and forth with women. And I'm not for the record, I'm not really a Kevin Samuels fan, but at times limited times, I'll say he did.
Speaker 3:Limited times, I'll say he did, he, did, he did have some say some things that I feel, that that I felt made some sense, you know yeah, so and and I think you know some, sometimes you know the expectations of of women are like way out in left field and you know, like you said, if you're not doing some of the things for yourself, how can you expect somebody else to come in?
Speaker 2:But he needs to have a.
Speaker 3:You know 700 credit score, but your credit score is two digits. Yes, you know what I mean Making six figures and you're not, and you know the six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six. The devil for real though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right, they'd be like a man with six inches, a man with six feet tall, and a man that makes six figures. Yes, but that looked like the devil to me so maybe he could be. Maybe he could be 5'11. Switch it up, maybe he can make 6'3.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's go for taller because women out here do have those checklists you have to be tall yeah, you have to have this much money, you have to have this, this and that, you have to have this and this, and that. That's why they're so single, and there's some good men out here who are 5'10" 5'8" and if you're in your 50s and y'all not having kids, enjoy a good man for who he is.
Speaker 3:Get your flat game on.
Speaker 2:Get your flat game on. Get your flat game on, Not the I got a little one today, but no, it ain't no kitten here though. But um, yeah, you just take it all the way flat, Right and then. But you know what you are missing out. A lot of women are missing out because they do have requirements.
Speaker 2:Like I love tall period, but I would get that if the heart is tall then, I'm going to rock with that, for a minute so I have gone outside of my list, um, to do that, because I think it's important, uh, to be able to look at somebody's heart and if they're going to show you that. But it's important to ask the questions to men like for real. Like, are you emotionally available? Mm-hmm, like, are you still dealing with hurt and pain? Like, what is the deal? What's your heart space? Look, like Because you want to know, and then you can't ask a question you're not willing to answer.
Speaker 2:So that will start a deep conversation and a connection right there, because you're talking about real stuff. You're not talking about where you live, how many acres you have, you know what kind of car you drive. There's so many men that tried to impress me with their cars that I didn't even know what the car was. To keep it all the way real, like that's not going to move me. When I used to be online dating and, um, men would take pictures with their cars, oh, my god, I would swipe right past, because you're showing me.
Speaker 2:That's all you have to offer can you go to your house?
Speaker 3:you know what? That is one of my biggest pet peeves mine too.
Speaker 2:Listen, don't take a pic.
Speaker 3:And see, this is the thing, and man don't take a picture in front of your car and then be mad at the women, you attract the women you attract that part for your car that part, that part that don't take a picture, and you know what else they do. That I don't like is you take a picture in front of your car and then, believe it or not, in your 50s you still see people taking picture with money spread out.
Speaker 2:You know what who does that. This is not Eric B and Rakim video.
Speaker 3:We're not in the 80s, do not take a picture in front of your Mercedes, in front of your BMW or your big old house because we can't feel in there any woman of value doesn't care. That is not what we want to see. No, that's true, it's not.
Speaker 2:It really is not so when I would see guys, or if you know how to take the perfect selfie, I'm not rocking with you that means that you've been in the mirror too long trying to practice that perfect selfie.
Speaker 2:I need you to be awkward when you're taking your picture, like part of your head cut off. You know it's a little low. You know I need, I don't need, I don't need a man that's in there taking selfies all day or in the mirror. This is the thing too because you got a nice chest that you're in the mirror taking a picture of you standing there looking. You know they used to say that back in the day looking light-skinned, you know how people used to say, which is ignorant, but looking like you're sexy. You know what I mean. That used to be a thing Like no, uh-uh, like you're looking.
Speaker 3:You know it's funny, like there was a guy and Stacey, I don't know if you remember this that sent me really um, inappropriate pictures of himself, like, and I was like this is such a turnoff, like why are you sending me? Let's talk about that, yeah so, yeah, yeah so, like sending, and you would think, like at this age or like are you really sending like pictures of? I mean, it came like all the way down to the point where you would almost see something, but but not quite, and I was like I know what's coming next is, can you send me some photos? And they were not, that's such a turnoff, isn't it?
Speaker 2:It is really a turnoff.
Speaker 3:Yes, it's a turnoff and um, but, but that is what was happening on on the apps and like it's like. Are we really doing that at this age?
Speaker 2:I have gotten. I just was talking about this yesterday. I have gotten D pics in my Facebook messenger.
Speaker 3:I'm not even on a dating app.
Speaker 2:I mean, and then I look at the page marry man with several kids and several pictures. Please don't send us unsolicited Agreed.
Speaker 3:Agreed Nobody wants to see that I don't send us unsolicited Agreed.
Speaker 2:Agreed Nobody wants to see that I don't care how big it is, I don't care how this is, I don't care Like it's a turnoff, yeah, but I don't know why they think that it's okay to go ahead and send pictures like that when you didn't even ask for them, because I don't know if it's like you said. Or do they think that we're going to return the?
Speaker 3:favor. Well, you know what I think is. I'm like what about me makes you think that this is okay? That's the first thing I go to. Like what did, I do what did.
Speaker 2:I give off. What did I say Because?
Speaker 1:nothing about me, lets you think that this is okay to send this to me, but it must have worked for some other woman. That's the only reason why they probably wouldn't have, because it was okay.
Speaker 2:Maybe that's somebody else or they or they think that's all they have to offer. You know what I mean? Because nobody's, no, somebody is working out of a space of insecurity, whether they have a big D or not. If that, if they think that's the only thing that they have to offer other than a conversation and in one case this guy was married Um, but if you're a single person doing that, do you think that?
Speaker 2:And I, as a life coach I think about, well, is that all you think that you have to offer, like good sex, a nice car, a nice beautiful home? You know what else? What is on the inside Right, because that's really, at the end of the day, when we're in our fifties. Of course, we want a man established, we want a man that's secure in all areas of life, not just financial security, but emotional security. We want physical security, we want financial security, we want to make sure that you're stable, because if we're trusting our hearts with you, we have to make sure that you can handle that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the first thing I ask is emotional security, like I say my one of my love languages feeling emotional, secure, like anything that I share with you, anything that I'm vulnerable with you, that I can trust my heart with you, that I know that it's a safe space, that I'm not going to hear about what I told you a month later if you're upset. And then how are you? When you're upset, yeah, like are you. Do you not answer your phone, do you?
Speaker 2:lash out yeah, I want to know how you are when you're upset. Do you? Will you still communicate with me? Will you let me know that you're upset, like? These are questions that we need to be asking, like how do you? Communicate. Yeah, you know, when you're angry because some men run, they shut down. They shut down all the way down and you don't hear from them or you don't know what's going on, and then they'll resurface, you know so that doesn't work.
Speaker 3:You did right, right yourself exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:So you want to know how are you. You know, you know how are you. You know, during the seasons, some people have seasonal depression. You think that something is going on and it could be because they, you know, they don't like the cold weather or they don't like the snow, so they're not taking you out, or you're not going out and you're thinking like what is it about me? Then, all the time spring and summer hit, they want to circle back around, but now you may be dating someone else.
Speaker 2:So it's a lot of different factors and moving parts that play, and I think we are more alike than different and I think we really have to have honest conversations. We don't need to and I love Tupac to pieces, but we don't need to have conversations while the Tupac's dead or alive. You know what I mean. We don't need to be talking about. You know what I mean? Um, did you see? You know the latest. We can talk about current events and that can lead up to the latest. You know club Shay, shay or whatever. We can talk about current events, but let's talk about realness, like how did you feel when your children may have gone away to college? How did you feel when your mother passed. How you know? How are you okay? Have you recovered from those things? You know, I know that divorce took a blow on you. You good, how are you?
Speaker 2:You have to check in with the heart space and I think that's when people open up and that might be why people always want a commitment. The first, that might be because if you're having real conversations and other women aren't, they want to see you know who. You, who you scrolling through on your phone. If you're just dating somebody and you want to date, that's none of your business, and I think a lot of women overstep by thinking you know well, that's my business. No, he just met you. You know what I mean. You think that this man ain't talking to other people. You talking to other people. You can't. You know what I mean. But everybody wants that instant and we got to have real conversations. Yeah, like, how many are you talking to? Right? Are any of them significant? Do you see any of them as much as you see me like to try to?
Speaker 3:and then, people will fall off my, those questions that you, that you should ask, because yes, okay yes, that's interesting because that's something that I generally don't ask. Which part?
Speaker 2:they're seeing other're seeing other people.
Speaker 3:If you're seeing other people, I just assume that they are. Yes, but you do assume.
Speaker 2:I assume that they are and you want to ask if they have a woman. Women don't ask that. No, I do ask that.
Speaker 3:That's good, yeah, you do.
Speaker 2:You'd be surprised.
Speaker 3:Well, it's funny, that just happened to me, and that just happened to me, and that just happened to me, and I assumed that the person was single and they said when I asked that they are married.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you and I was like my mouth could have dropped open because your heart is in the right space. You're. You know if you're married and you're going home to your husband, you're not out there on date. So you're assuming that this person is available because they're out on no it's. And you'd be surprised how many women do not ask are you in a relationship? Yeah, are you married? Do you live with your ex?
Speaker 3:so I went out on a date with a guy, only to find out that he was and I thought I assumed that he was divorced because he asked me on the date on the date I found out that he was in fact married, living in the house with the wife. And so you're right, those very basic questions do have to be asked because you cannot assume and you can't be scared.
Speaker 2:I want the answer my 30 year old daughter. When she started dating, I think, um a guy, she was like she'll be like 20 something and I remember I had a list for her that's good, it's in my, it's in my phone to ask yeah, I was like make sure you ask this, make sure you that. And one of them was like did you ask him if he had a girlfriend? Yeah, or does anybody think that that's their man? Right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because somebody out there is claiming you. You know in more ways than one. You know what I mean. Are they living? I had a whole list and she had her own list. I was like, oh, I raised you right. She had her whole, her own list. But I was filling in the gaps and I gave her a list to ask, because we want to be intentional about what we're doing and we can't guarantee that somebody is going to tell us the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But then men think she can't handle the truth, so I'm not going to give her the truth. Yeah, I say, tell me the truth.
Speaker 1:I want to hear it all.
Speaker 2:I want to know what it is, so I know what I'm working with and I can walk into a situation with the truth.
Speaker 3:Like I don't care how bad it hurts. Give me the truth, yes, and then you can decide. You can decide. There you go, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I had a man, um, who I'd gone out with, asked me about my relationship with my son's father's. I'm a single mom that's a really important question he's trying to find out. Is this person in the picture? Is there some drama there? Like he's trying to feel out that whole situation to see if it's a safe place for him. I think that's smart it is, but there are some.
Speaker 2:I really want to just say there are some great men out there in their fifties. It really is, and I don't want people to lose hope. There are really great men out there that are really looking for love and they want to treat you right. You know what I mean. I think that gets missed on a lot of women, and women think it's just these knuckleheads out there and these people that want to take advantage or want to use you and you have a place for those. But there are so many men out there that are looking for love, that are ready to rebuild and they want to treat or are willing or can or do treat women right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think that I agree with you the good ones for men and women to be able to weed out the good ones from the the bad ones. So to speak um, while you're on the, the dating app or while you're on the dating scene. And I I do think it's about, like Stacy said and you well, you both said, it's about communicating, asking the right questions, just kind of um trying to get an understanding. Just you know where they are like what they're looking for yeah, which.
Speaker 3:And? And also that brings me to another question, because I hear a lot of times like when men and women both ask what are you looking for? And there's like this whole debate about whether you should say what it is pretend to be that, yeah.
Speaker 2:so what are your thoughts on that? I think that you should loosely ask, and I don't think that you should tell them exactly what you're looking for, unless you want to get married, and it's because I think those things have to be clear, because why waste your time or why waste his, if you know that you don't want to get married and they do, or vice versa. That's the, that's the last date.
Speaker 3:That's the last date, but let's say you're looking for a long term relationship. Yeah, would you say then, or not?
Speaker 2:Yeah I would I would, you know, definitely do that, cause I think it's important to have real conversations at the door, maybe not the first date, the meet and greet, but if the, the, the, the man asks you out again or even the woman says, hey, I would like to see you again, then you can start asking questions. But I don't think that you need to ask on the very first date, unless he says I'm looking to get married, or he, unless he takes it there first. Because if he takes it there and you have a real conversation, then walk into the door of that real conversation. But I think the most of the time men are visual, you know creatures. Women are visual too. You know instantly if you're attracted to someone.
Speaker 2:I always say if you look like you could kiss the person or you want their hands. So the first thing I do is look at their hands. I look at their hands and nails. If their nails are dirty or long or I'm like I don't know if I want them touching the small of my back, I'm not sure if I want that.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean, and that might be trivial to some people, but you don't want that to be an issue down the line. So not saying that you cancel that guy out because you can give him a nail clippers and a scrub brush. You know what I'm saying. So I don't think that you should count them out, but I think that you should kind of just look.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you, you should kind of just look, you know, and people say, well, it's not about the outside, but it is sometimes because you want, you want someone to be pleasing to your, your eyes, and it's not always been that way with you. Know some people because you might be with somebody because of their heart and you may not be physically attracted to them. That's happened with me before. I wasn't physically attracted to them, but I was physically attracted to the heart and then when I found out the heart wasn't the way, I thought then that then you know you don't have anything else.
Speaker 3:Exactly, yeah, exactly yeah so let me ask you this so like at this age right, when you meet people and let's say um you know, maybe you don't like their hands or maybe you don't like the shoes that they have on, or maybe their style of dress or something like that. How much of that is? Because I've had, like my own girlfriend say well, tony, you can change. You know the way that the shoes, the shoes, or whatever.
Speaker 3:But then I kind of take on the the attitude. Well, like, I mean, I don't feel like taking that on like or changing this is who this person is, and so how much of in this dating you know scene should women and men like say, okay, well, I can look past this, because it's only this and I can change that or we can you know, and how much of it? Do you just leave and say you know, this is who that person is?
Speaker 2:that's a good question and a lot of women struggle with that. Like at this stage in the game, I don't have time to be raising no man or teaching a man how to dress and all of that.
Speaker 2:But you can do it in love, you can do that. And it's not work. If you really, if they have what you need internally right, if you know what I'm saying if they're a good person, if all the other things line up, you know we can go to the mall and say, baby, you know what you would look so good in these shoes. It's a way that a woman can say things and put some sweetness on it. You know, and not like your shoes are whack.
Speaker 3:You know I don't like them. I don't know how.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I would never say that Like, but there's a way like, baby, you would look good with that. You know, with these shoes you can do that and a man will want to do things for a woman, like that's what they live for, seriously to please that woman that they want to be with. So if it's just a shoe or their dress I have, I have a client that's dealing with this right now. Um, on the way that the the guy dresses, yeah, because she's super fly right and he's not, he's not he don't care about style, he don't care about the latest trends.
Speaker 2:He going to go in his closet like this tic-tac-toe, whatever three in a row and grab what he gets. But he slowly, because of her style, he's slowly kind of moving into it, but he only likes basic colors. He only likes like three colors. So it's a lot of different. You know the things, but if they're a good person with a good heart, like you can, that can't be matched right when you're trying to find someone else, because you can find the guy with the latest this and the latest that and he's not, or you can find a whole package.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know with it all but I think those tweaks um can be worked through. But if you, if your prerogative is, say you know what, I don't have time for that, there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2:You're not wrong for feeling that way, you're not not at all, because it's about you and your choices and what you want. If you you, it doesn't matter how many girlfriends say you know what well you can change that. But if you say I'm not willing to change that, that's not something, I want somebody to come that way, then there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1:How important is chemistry to you?
Speaker 2:A hundred percent important Alignment chemistry. I said I want something easy, I want something that is peaceful, I don't want to have to think about certain things. Yeah, you know what I mean. I'm not trying to put the circle into the square and square into the triangle, no more. Yeah, and have chemistry is super important, because those are the things that are still going to always connect you. So when you have that chemistry, if you don't have chemistry and you don't like the person I think I want to talk about like for a second, because like is so underrated.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, everybody just wants to skip to love. Yeah, but if I love you, sometimes it might feel like obligation, but if I like you, I'm going to miss my friend, I'm going to miss the person that I love spending time with because I like them. Yeah, you know what I mean. They make me feel like you know, like I can climb a tree or, you know, be on top of the world, because I like them. I like their personality, I like how they treat other people, I like how they treat their children, I like how you know their, their humor. I like, I like, I like. And I think that we have, as women, we have to go towards what we like about somebody, and then what we like about somebody will sustain the love that we have for them. Because if you're doing love out of obligation and you don't like the person, the minute something's gone you'd be like deuces, you're not even dealing with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you don't even like them anyway.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know I've been with some I ain't like, yeah, you know what I'm saying, because people will show themselves and it's certain things like I don't like that.
Speaker 2:We're at a restaurant, possibly, and you're rude to the server yes, I don't like that. That's something about your personality. You have to look at how other people treat other people, because they can be treating you like a queen, yeah, but then when you go, they telling the janitor I dropped something, yo, get that, yeah. You know what I mean. That's terrible, like that's not going to work for me, just because you treat me good but you treat everybody else raggedy. That doesn't work for me.
Speaker 3:And you know, I hear a lot of men say that, like when they say some of the things that they are turned off with by women is how they interact with people out in restaurants, because a lot of times, I think, you know, in many cases women tend to not always, of course, it's never all, but can be rude. Yep, I see it, you know, and that's a turnoff for them is what they say, I see it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I see, when I coach couples, oh, I see it. Yeah, I see, when I coach couples, oh, I see it. Some women can be nasty, some women can be very condescending, some women can be downright rude and in my head I'm like, I'm like dude like, and I'm looking at him like this what you deal with, yeah, you know what I'm saying like this is what you deal with, like why are you talking for him?
Speaker 2:he's grown. I'll ask the the man a question and here she go yeah, well, yeah, because he, I'm asking you, that's what I will say. Yeah, so I see firsthand what some of these men are dealing with. I'm team woman all day long, but I'm team right.
Speaker 2:And a lot of times I'm on the side of the men with some of the women that they're dealing with and, um, I'll kind of what I'll try to do is kind of translate in a sense, because if somebody is saying the same thing and the man is hearing it over and over again. Men tune you out. I hope y'all know that Men ain't hearing. They ain't heard past the first layer because you done repeated it and wore it out so much.
Speaker 3:They tune you out, I think some men are born with the tune out feature.
Speaker 1:I have two sons, I think so.
Speaker 3:I have two sons that I think that they just it's an innate behavior to tune out. Yeah, naturally to tune out. Yeah, that's mother's tea, though we be tuning right. Oh, it's a learned behavior but the mint.
Speaker 2:So what I will do with a couple is I will talk to him and and he'll explain it to me and I'll be like you mean this, this and this. And he's like, oh my god, like finally somebody is hearing me, and then I say this is what he's saying and some women will receive it and some women will just go on something like they don't even even care what it is so.
Speaker 2:You know, men have it rough sometimes with some of us ladies, and it is about growth and we all have to to do to do better. Another thing that's important when I was dating online is knowing if men want to evolve, like I would be asking about you know what books?
Speaker 2:yes, what books do you read? What podcasts do you watch or listen to? What do you do to elevate? Do you, do you go to church or are you spiritual or um, what are you doing? Have you taken a class? What are you interested in? Because I want to see that you're constantly evolving. Yes, because I don't want to super pass you, you know, supersede you, you, and pass you in my growth, because in my fifties I'm still growing, I'm still remixing my life, I'm still doing new things, I'm still achieving goals. And if you just sitting there, you know, happy playing your Rubik's cube, that's fine.
Speaker 3:And that's a real thing, because at this age, you know, there are um, I think, both men and women who are comfortable, just, you know, doing their nine to five or whatever, coming home, yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 3:So it's important that you do, matt, you know, find somebody that's um, that's doing what you're doing or it's going to be okay with while they, while they're sitting on the couch and you're out making moves, that's doing what you're doing or it's going to be okay with while they, while they're sitting on the couch and you're out making moves, that's not, that's not going to resent you for, you know, doing you and typically, that person will resent you.
Speaker 2:yeah, whether they think that they won't or not, they will. Yeah, when you're passing them and the people in your life begin to change and things begin to shift, yes, they are going to resent you Like there's no way around it. They are, whether they admit it, whether they own it, whether it's a little bit or a lot of it, they are going to resent that because you're soaring higher, so don't get fooled in. I'm not you go do you, because eventually he's going to do him and there's going to be somebody else maybe sitting on your couch. Yeah, you know what I mean. That is still in that same position.
Speaker 2:Now, some people do want to be nine to five people, and there's nothing wrong with that. Right, and that's it. But if you're dealing with somebody who is not a nine to five person and they are doing a podcast on a Sunday or doing something else on a Monday night at 11 PM, when you're everything shuts down for you at six o'clock, then you have to understand that's a conversation too. Because if you're together and they want the room shut down by eight nine o'clock and you're still working at your desk, in your room or your bed or wherever downstairs or wherever you are. That might be a problem, because people do. Well, I want you to come to bed. When I come to bed.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean you have to ask these questions, like all the things that you could think about that may have happened in previous relationships. Or learn from each other. Wise man learns from someone else. You don't have to have your own. You know our own experience. So even take the questions that she might have. You take the questions that she might have or I have, and ask those questions because it may happen and it's going to affect a situation. So in our fifties, when we know better, we really have to do better. So the things that we might have done in our forties or thirties or twenties, may not serve.
Speaker 2:Serve us in our 50s when it comes to dating.
Speaker 2:So the times of being afraid to have conversations about credit, about sex, like even a sex is a huge one. Sex, money and communication those are the three reasons people break up every day. So you want to have the sex conversation Like, what does sex look like for you, you know? Are you willing to have it once a month? Do you want it twice a week, three times a week, once a week? Those are the things that break people up. So you really, as you're dating maybe not on the first date, unless the other person takes it there Eventually, like if you're dating and then you had like a second, third, fourth, fifth date and you're trying to define what you guys have and what you're doing those are important.
Speaker 2:Are you celibate? Are you abstinent? Are you a virgin? Are you? You know, whatever it is, you want to ask those questions, um, and then you want to ask, like, how do you handle money? How are you with money? Yes, you know, are you a spender? Are you a saver? Do you have, you know, this set aside? Do you have that set aside? How many incomes do you have? Or, you know, are you saving? Are you tithing? That's important for some people, like what are grown. So those are things that are important, that will impact you.
Speaker 1:You stay with this person, right.
Speaker 2:Exactly. And then do you owe anybody money? What is it? And then communication If you can swap spit, you can swap information. If you can be kissing and sex body fluids, then you should not be afraid to have any type of conversation. If you're giving somebody your heart, your soul, your lips, you know, yeah, private, then you should be able to. I have people that are like, well, I'm scared to ask that, but you just laid down with him, yeah, that's exactly. Close hearts, open legs. Is that what we're doing?
Speaker 3:yeah, yeah, yeah you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So you really have to have these kind of conversations, and some people don't want to have them. But if you're over 50, like, you can't be afraid to ask, like in my 20s or 30s, what I had asked those questions no, so why?
Speaker 3:are we afraid to ask those questions? Do you think like what? What are they rooted in?
Speaker 2:Do we just not want to know the way we grew up? Ok, the way we grew up. And being sex sex for most people, not all, but not being liberated sexually, yeah, and I'm not afraid, being afraid to even talk about sex, or being afraid to be left or them thinking of us a certain way and we don't want judgment Judgment.
Speaker 2:We don't want them to think that we're this way, but it's better that they know. But we're suppressing who we are. So do we care about the people more than we care about ourselves? Most of the time, that's what it is in your twenties and thirties. You're caring about what everybody else needs or wants or what they think, but then you're suppressing what you really feel and the questions and the things that you need. It's no more of that. We have to be able to be bold.
Speaker 2:Thank you we have to be able to be bold in what we want, because in your 50s, if you don't know what you want, honey, you'll never know, you'll never know. And if you keep putting everybody else's needs before yours, you'll never have your needs fulfilled.
Speaker 3:That's good, that was good that's good, that was good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, our takeaways from today, communication and not being scared and not being scared, and because you, like they say, scared money don't make no money scared love, don't find love.
Speaker 3:That's true you can't you gotta?
Speaker 2:and you have to take the risk. You know, will your heart get broken, maybe yes. Yes, but you have to take the risk. You know, will your heart get broken, maybe yes, but you have to take the risk. You have to put yourself out there because love is worth it. You know, let's keep it real. Nobody wants to be stuck in a ditch and nobody knows if they're in there or not.
Speaker 2:They don't have nobody checking on them. They don't have nobody, you know, caring for them. We're women, we want to be cared for, we want to be loved, we want to know. You know somebody asked how our day is and really stop to listen. Yeah, you know what I mean. We want to be cared for with just the little things, and the little things go a long way. But we have to be honest enough to say you know, I always say that women want to be soft and pink, but because of some of these dudes out here and some of the experiences we got, to wear the pants, but I don't always want to wear the pants. I want to wear pants when I want to wear pants.
Speaker 2:I want the door open for me, like I still want to be treated like a lady. Yeah, we got hands. We can open the door. Women's rights we can do that. Yes, but if there's a gentleman that's going to open the door, why not? You know, walk in and let him open the door yeah, and I think we have.
Speaker 2:It's so like it's transitioning, because the younger women are like I'll do it by myself, I'll have the babies by myself, you know, I'll do all by myself. And yes, we can do that, we know that. But I think sometimes, even for black women, the strong black woman cape needs to be retired. Yeah, because it's not doing us justice it's doing us a disservice.
Speaker 3:Well, I heard somebody say. I heard a woman say don't call me strong, Call me resilient. I don't want to be independent and strong, I'm resilient. I'll take that yeah.
Speaker 2:Because it trends over. We're talking about maternity mortality in black women. Also because we have this moniker that we're so strong right that we don't give our permission ourselves permission to be weak. So even when we're going to the doctor and we're telling them something is wrong, they're like she's a strong black woman, she can handle it. Like literally they're not. So I think we've done a disservice. So some of the men be like they don't need us anyway. You know how many women told me I don't need you, like I got it all together and I think that that has prohibited some men from going towards strong women because of that. So we got to change that.
Speaker 1:And there are implications for that on us and that comes out in stress.
Speaker 2:Yes, we're taking it all. Yeah, we're doing it all ourselves. Yeah.
Speaker 1:We're stressed, we're depressed, all those things come to play my cape is over there.
Speaker 2:I took my strong black woman cape off. Yeah, you know I would want to be soft and pink and unfortunately you can't be soft and pink with everyone. But and that's where love is, and discovering it like, do you guys want to be like soft and pink sometimes, do you?
Speaker 1:absolutely let your shoulders down, absolutely look at the camera.
Speaker 2:So yeah, yeah, absolutely yeah, think that you know online dating is excellent. I think it can work. I think there are some great men out there and don't stay long. Yeah, If you know that it's not serving you or you don't think, don't make excuses for it yeah.
Speaker 3:Don't just you know I'm not interested and don't worry about like if you're going to find somebody else or don't don't do that, because what we do as women is we stay too long going immediately. This is not it.
Speaker 2:So that's really advice I would give women Don't stay too long If you know, you feel it in your gut. We can't. We can't ignore our discernment and our gut feelings anymore, because that's the reason why we have those feelings the women's intuition, all of that. We really have to to to be confident in that and not say, well, I'm just going to give another chance, another chance, and another chance is five years or two years or longer. We don't have those kind of well yeah, we don't.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Kendall, I love we. This conversation has been so amazing Like conversations. It's just been so amazing like we could go on and on.
Speaker 2:We definitely have to have you come back for sure on the show. Let's have wine next time. Yeah, for more conversations.
Speaker 3:I mean, there's so much to cover and so little time, and I mean this, this is, it's been awesome right, it has.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you are, uh, our first yeah, so we appreciate that too. Thank you just uh, investing in this, this topic and this podcast, so we definitely want to have you back.
Speaker 2:I love it and I want to say congratulations. You ladies, are beautiful. You're doing something that we need. I'm all about aging fearlessly and I talk about, you know, 50 and over very often in many areas, and this is a prime example of remixing your life. And it's never too late, you know, starting a podcast in your fifties. I think that's outstanding.
Speaker 3:I think that's going to inspire a lot of women and, by the way, please let everybody know where they can find you.
Speaker 2:Well, you can find me at Candelonesecom and follow me on all social media platforms at Candelonese and on TikTok, it is the remix coach and I want everybody to subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you love conversations like this, then I definitely want to connect with you there, and my books are available on Amazoncom.
Speaker 3:Thank you so much for joining us at the Old School Love Lounge podcast and we will see you again on the next one.
Speaker 1:Please remember to like and subscribe and share this podcast with your friends, please. This is an important topic that we talk about that's right All the time. So we'll see you on our next episode. Until then, keep it grown and sexy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, do that now, you, you.