consider yourself blessed
brat changed my life
Imagine feeling like an outsider in your own social circles due to the strict values instilled by your upbringing. That was my reality, and in this episode, I share how my cautious approach to drinking and drug use led to a sense of disconnection from typical high school and college activities. This reflection on fear and experience is deeply tied to the cultural impact of Charli XCX's album, Brat. I explore the anxiety of feeling uncool and the fear of my true self being exposed, connecting these emotions to the aloof nature of brat culture and how it has shaped my identity.
We dive into the concept of being a "brat" and how it triggered an internal split in my persona, influencing my engagement with mainstream content. I'll take you through a personal anecdote involving a Spotify playlist and the song "10:35" by Tate McRae, revealing how subconscious associations impact my reactions. This chapter also unravels my complicated relationship with alcohol, its allure, and the destructive cycle it creates. Through this introspection, I discuss the pursuit of genuine enjoyment and the significance of confronting suppressed emotions for self-acceptance.
Visual art can profoundly impact our subconscious, and in this episode, I compare album covers to barcodes, examining how different stimuli evoke unique emotional responses. We touch on the historical evolution of typography and how it subtly influences us. There's also a heartfelt reflection on longing for unity in sober spaces and how choir and military activities might offer a blueprint for collective effervescence. Inspired by Charli XCX's brat culture and art, I confront societal norms and internal conflicts.
Imagine feeling like an outsider in your own social circles due to the strict values instilled by your upbringing. That was my reality, and in this episode, I share how my cautious approach to drinking and drug use led to a sense of disconnection from typical high school and college activities. This reflection on fear and experience is deeply tied to the cultural impact of Charli XCX's album, Brat. I explore the anxiety of feeling uncool and the fear of my true self being exposed, connecting these emotions to the aloof nature of brat culture and how it has shaped my identity.
We dive into the concept of being a "brat" and how it triggered an internal split in my persona, influencing my engagement with mainstream content. I'll take you through a personal anecdote involving a Spotify playlist and the song "10:35" by Tate McRae, revealing how subconscious associations impact my reactions. This chapter also unravels my complicated relationship with alcohol, its allure, and the destructive cycle it creates. Through this introspection, I discuss the pursuit of genuine enjoyment and the significance of confronting suppressed emotions for self-acceptance.
Visual art can profoundly impact our subconscious, and in this episode, I compare album covers to barcodes, examining how different stimuli evoke unique emotional responses. We touch on the historical evolution of typography and how it subtly influences us. There's also a heartfelt reflection on longing for unity in sober spaces and how choir and military activities might offer a blueprint for collective effervescence. Inspired by Charli XCX's brat culture and art, I confront societal norms and internal conflicts.
Welcome to yet another pull over on the side of the road car idea podcast. How excited are we for this. I'm doing some gardening during this podcast, so I just want to say that as a disclaimer for those of you at home. Last night I had an emotional experience. I was reflecting about Brat. Now, for those of you who don't know what Brat is, you might be living under a rock. Which power to you, my friend, because you know, living under a rock. Patrick did that. Patrick did that and it was cozy, it was comfortable and it may very well be safer.
Speaker 1:This is going to be a video about my feelings about Charli XCX and Brat. Last night, I watched a 45 minute analysis of Brat lore and, although I have not listened to the album all the way through, this is going to be more of an understanding of what feelings it evokes in me and how it relates to, like the socialized brat culture. Okay, let's get into it. Ultimately, I felt really like when Brat was released, I felt like this is not for me, this music is not for me, and there are a plethora of reasons that my body was sending me that message right. So, for example, I was considered very much a prude.
Speaker 1:Growing up, my mom instilled in me very I don't want to say like Puritan values, but very conscious values like, you know, no drinking, no drugs, you know, doing well in school, not having a boyfriend and all of these, these very, you know, boomer, christian-y kind of values, without the overtones of Christianity. It's not like she was saying like God was going to hate me if I did those things, but it was implied, right. It was like there is going to be negative consequences if you engage in those activities. So I have that programmed within me. So come high school, when you know junior year year, senior year, the natural time, everybody kind of starts getting into weed or alcohol. I felt like, oh no, I I shouldn't, oh no, I shouldn't, and I'm scared too. Now at this point I didn't really put two and two together that my mom and her relationship with alcohol was influencing me not to drink.
Speaker 1:Until college, when I started telling people explicitly when they asked me why don't you drink, I was like my mom's an alcoholic, so I just don't want to risk it. Like as if alcoholism is a genetic disease and I'm gonna get it, which is a ridiculous idea, not to some people but to me. So in high school. I was just scared. I was overall scared of what would happen if I smoked weed or if I drank alcohol, let alone all the other drugs that I know exist, right. So I was like I'm scared of the consequences, so I'm not going to do it.
Speaker 1:And I found an intellectualized reasons why I wasn't doing it. I was like, oh, you know, my mom's an alcoholic so I don't want to risk it. It's just not good for my health. You know, it's poison. Alcohol is poison to your brain.
Speaker 1:That was like more college that I made that reason up. It's not I didn't make the reason up. It's like it's a true statement in some sense, but like I was telling it to myself as if it were a reason, when the real reason is I was scared to do it. Like that's the real reason why I wasn't doing any of these things. Like, yes, there's all of these intellectualized cognitive reasons why I didn't do it. But if we could whittle it down to cause and effect, in general, it is the cells in my body that did not want to engage in that activity out of the feeling that was stored in my body that there would be bad, negative consequences on the other side of engaging in this activity.
Speaker 1:Because of this sentiment that was stored in my body, I was scared to act. So I don't know what it's like at this point to get drunk and feel hungover and have all of these social inhibitions that other people have. I'm just intellectualizing what it would look like or how it would feel, but I'm not actually connecting to the action. And what happens then is I am robbing myself of a true understanding. All I have is a hypothesis. At that point, so me being the empiricist that I am at this age, I'm like okay, this is really interesting. If I never really engaged in the action, I will never, I will never be able to have a full wisdom of what that experience is like. That isn't something I'm going to be able to speak on, teach on, share on in a way that's going to give people who have had that experience any information. Because if you've had that experience, you know what it's like, you know the feelings that it evokes.
Speaker 1:And I'm saying that in high school I never engaged in those socialized activities, maybe once or twice, and because I'd only done it once or twice, it felt like I was like riding a tricycle in front of all of these bikers, right, and that was like in high school. I felt that way, like I felt like I was behind the curve, like, yes, I was smart in school and you know, I raised my hand and knew the answer Sure, great. But I didn't know how to be a cool person, I didn't know how to be a partier, I didn't know like, because I was again terrified that my weirdness, my quirkiness, was going to come out and I was scared of being seen as uncool and I thought that my true, authentic self would reveal to people that I'm actually not cool. So I hid that from other people Because I projected this idea of coolness, my version of coolness, and it's still a little quirky, it's still a little weird and it's not exactly popular kid coolness in the aloof, mysterious, brat kind of way. Right, if you this is see, do you see the connection? Like I'm like curious, like why am I scared of listening? Right, if you this is see, do you see the connection? Like I'm like curious, like why am I scared of listening to Brad? Why am I scared of listening to the album? Like I saw it come out and no part of me wanted to listen to it. No part of me was like I'm excited to hear what this sounds like. I didn't even think that much of it. I was just like, eh, the only reason why I thought about it was because somebody sent me a song from it.
Speaker 1:So when somebody sends me a song, so much happens. So much happens. I need to take a sip of my beverage to take a breath and talk about what happens when somebody sends me a song to listen to. It's not just a song, it's not just a link, it's not just an artist, it's not just lyrics, it's not just the key, it's not just the instrumentation, it's not just the platform, it's not just the album, it's not just any of those aspects, it is all of those aspects and their multiplicity and all their combinations.
Speaker 1:So if you think about doing the math on that, rather than getting one piece of information, the song, let's say I'm getting 10 other pieces of information from the song. Right, all of these different aspects of this information. And now I'm saying it's not just a song, it's a song with all of these aspects. And now it can multiply all of the aspects together and get combinations of the different kinds of songs. And that's how your brain and that's how my brain classifies things, so to what some person might just be.
Speaker 1:Oh, they sent me a song. Whatever that means to you, to me, that's not what it means. To me, it means they are sending me information about either themselves, the connection between us or something new. Of course I'm curious why they're sending it to me. But before I even get to that level, I try to immerse myself in the song, like, what information can I get just from the song? And then, as I'm listening to the song, I'm mapping it onto the connections between this person, the song and me. And now I'm creating a triangular relationship to have infinitely more information about what this song means.
Speaker 1:And then you're creating song associations, right, this is why people at weddings they have a first dance or like a wedding song that is the association of that day. It's like it stores all of this beautiful emotional, sensory information into your body in such a pleasant way and then you can take it with you for the rest of your life. You know, it's like opening up your heart to a memory and then saying I want to save this forever in that moment. I want to save this forever in that moment. I want to save this forever. Right, that's the intention I feel behind a wedding song. So when we think about why are like?
Speaker 1:The associations between songs and our experience is so potent, like when you listen to a song it can take you back to when you were two bro circling back, charlie xcx, what do I know her for? Boom clap, the sound of my heart. The beat goes on and on and on and on. Yeah, boom clap, you make me feel good, come on to me. That's what I know Charlie XCX for. So in a way I got her. Then I got Charlie XCX in the past. Now I'm confused about who Charlie XCX is. Now I'm interested. Now I'm curious, like suddenly I, we XCX is. Now I'm interested. Now I'm curious, like suddenly I. We will get back to the song association point later. Don't fret Thinking about what I know or what I had experienced and stored in my body about Charli XCX from her boom clap days.
Speaker 1:I loved that shit that has such a positive association in my heart. But Charlie XCX isn't that association. It's Boom Clap, it's the song, it's the package, right? It's all of these different aspects of the song. Charlie XCX being the artist is only one aspect of the song. The song itself is a great song. So just because Charlie XCX now puts out an album doesn't mean I'm going to like it, because Charlie XCX as a singer is only part of that layered dimensionality for me.
Speaker 1:So another thing that turned me off from the album is this album cover. Right, having no knowledge of the of the Charlie XCX lore, having absolutely no associations with charlie xcx other than speed drive from barbie and boom clap like that's the only like free association to charlie xcx I can do right now with that knowledge. You see the album cover, what are you thinking to yourself? Because what I was thinking is that's really fucking interesting. But also I'm not impressed and I'm kind of disappointed like it's not necessarily I don't know if I can say it's never been done before, because it's like an aerial font in all lowercase on a solid background and I feel like I'm sure they did extensive research as to the virality of that or at least talked about it. But to me I was just like having having no deeper thoughts. I was just like I'm not impressed. I don't feel like I'm going to relate to this. I just didn't think I was going to relate to it because the album cover to me was just like this is turnoffish to me Like this is like this doesn't seem inviting to me.
Speaker 1:I don't really want, and the reason why, or one of the reasons why I've come to the conclusion of, is the word brat. We all know how I feel about words. We all know I care a lot about how words share meaning, right? The association I have with the word brat that has been in my body is the negative, negative connotation that your parent says to you when you're little, right, and that stuff that stays with you, right, like when I was older I was always told don't be fresh. You know don't be fresh, but fresh at least implies a level of intelligence To me. I feel like, okay, I'm smart, even though I'm talking back, I'm smart when you and that's like an element of bratness right, like in the kink community, let's say I feel like the association with brat would be like the girl that talks back, the girl that playfully talks back, that type of like energy, the cool girl energy, the confident cool girl, mysterious energy. That's brat right In the adult sphere, in the kid's sphere. If you are a brat, you are a spoiled, rotten little girl that doesn't appreciate the shit she has. That's what was in my body. That's associated with brat for me. So when I see the word brat, even if it's not conscious, my body is like we didn't like that.
Speaker 1:This is very hard for me to talk about because it is so close to home, like it was triggering. This whole brat thing has been triggering to me, like it has forced me to reconcile my relationship with my childhood persona that, although was confident and smart and outspoken, it was programmed and reframed back at me as spoiled, rotten, entitled, unappreciative. So when you have those dualities within yourself, now you're splitting. You're splitting your parts. I'm not allowing myself to really hear myself out. Right, these are separate entities within myself. I can now understand why I have this duality because of my childhood, when I associated this word with really negative things that put down female characters in adulthood.
Speaker 1:When I was looking at a playlist earlier today which was called Beats, because I wanted something like a beat at the time, spotify has gotten really good with their AI algorithm, playlist creation, right. So like I can just search like Beats and I figured that it would give me all of the songs that I would enjoy with a beat. And I was right. And on this playlist was the spark by the Irish crews the little Irish kids love that song. Also on that playlist was the song 1035 by Tate McRae, which I have positive associations with. I just really like the beat, I like the boom in it. I think it's cool, it really gets me going.
Speaker 1:But I didn't play it, I just saw it on the playlist and then I played a different song and then, like not even five minutes later, I start singing the song in my head and I was like where the heck did that come from? Cause you know, at this point it's been five minutes. I didn't even think about it. It I didn't even like consciously see the song, I didn't think about the song, my eyes just graced over the song and I didn't remember that my eyes even graced over the song until I sang the song in my head and then I was like where did that come from? Then I checked the memory bank right and I'm like, oh, my eyes remember seeing that it's very interesting. So that's kind of what's happening with me with this brat situation.
Speaker 1:So before I even listen to the album, all of these associations are telling me I'm not going to like it, I'm not going to relate to it, and why should I listen to it? Like there's no point, until I received a song from somebody and I listened to it. Now I have new information, because I have a morsel from the album and I'm like, okay, maybe I should see what all the hype's about, right? Because when I say no to something that is extremely popular, either I'm going to accept that I'm just different and have a different perspective than everybody and I'm alone for that or I'm going to investigate if there is some sort of block. Because if the majority of people my age are enjoying this content and find it enjoyable and relatable and cool, and I don't feel that way, I'm going to ask myself this seems like it might be a me thing. This seems like maybe I'm not allowing myself to enjoy something.
Speaker 1:Because, at the end of the day, if all these people are enjoying this album, if all these people are enjoying this lore and all the memes, all these things, right, there must be value in it. And why can't I see that value? And then I realized it's because I just hadn't given it a chance, right, I hadn't given it a chance, I hadn't listened to it. So realize it's because I just hadn't given it a chance, right, I hadn't given it a chance, I hadn't listened to it. So the songs that I had heard from it I was like this is club music, this is club and party music. So I was sort of right that I wouldn't enjoy it because, again, I was never a partier or a clubber right In high school I didn't even. I was scared to try the things. And so because I never tried the things, I never felt confident doing the things.
Speaker 1:So once I get to college I go to like a couple frat parties. I try to be a partier, right. I'm like I'm going to see what all this this is about. I'm going to have alcohol and I'm going to see what it's about. And I always felt worse by the end of the night and I always felt sad and I realized that, like, alcohol just brings out emotions within you that you're trying to suppress and whether that be your flirtatious side, your nervous side, your angry side, your sad side, your depressed side, there's something within you that only comes out during that state. If you're suppressing things, it's like a channel to accessing different things and then, if you drink too much, then you don't even remember it and you get to do it all again. You get to do it all again.
Speaker 1:It's like in having pleasure, like blacking out is like having an intense amount of pleasure and then blacking out so you can do the same exact thing and get the same amount of pleasure. It's like continuously giving yourself amnesia so you can self-pleasure. I mean it's smart, it makes sense, but also it's not sustainable. Like it's just not sustainable. You're like burning down the house in that regard. So eventually people typically realize that unless you really hate your life, then you're probably not going to realize that and then you might become what they call an alcoholic, because you're continuously giving yourself pleasure when you drink but you're not allowing yourself to have pleasure in other times in your life, and so that leads you to drink, so that way you can experience that pleasure. And then boom, you get amnesia and you get to do it all over again.
Speaker 1:It's like continuously bopping yourself on the head and feeling good, pretty slay, but then they tell you that alcohol is a poison and it's a neurotoxin. It breaks down your brain cells. I know I get this information right and I'm like it's a poison and it ruins your brain cells. What Right? So I'm out here, I don't drink, or I haven't enough to know really all about it Right, I don't. I don't understand the culture, I don't understand I, I, I can, I can understand, but I don't, like, I'm just not there yet.
Speaker 1:I'm not at that level of comprehension of the joy of getting drunk and the joy of drinking. I am, on one hand, scared to. On one hand, I'm scared to because I'm like, oh no, what am I suppressing? That's going to come out. I'm going to get sick. I don't want to do that. That sounds not fun, and perhaps I'm right, perhaps it isn't going to be fun, but I never really allow myself to have the chance, because I always, when I drink, I'm like I'm drinking to get drunk, because that's the one thing I can't do without it, like I can never be drunk without being drunk. You know what I'm saying. And we're not even going to talk about weed today. There's just too much to say about drinking. But I can absolutely do another video and probably will do another video on my relationship with weed, because I think it's of value to share.
Speaker 1:So I start listening to Brat, right, okay, let's get back to that. And I'm like this is for party girls. I'm not a party girl. And continuously hearing how much everybody else loves it, not hearing about it, but just seeing it all over the internet and hearing about it from people you love making brat comments. Right, I want to understand this. I want to understand this phenomenon and what is blocked within me that isn't allowing me to experience it, what is suppressed within me. So yesterday I did some digging and I asked myself these questions. I asked myself okay, why am I scared of brat? Why am I scared of being a brat? What does being a brat mean? And when I asked myself those questions, that's when these answers started to come up. Right, I'm like okay, wait, I have all these associations with bratness. And then charlie xcx has her artistic experience of what bratness means.
Speaker 1:I know this absolutely sounds ridiculous that I'm going this in depth about the word brat, but I really think, like this is the level in which our minds work Like there's not just a green square with Arial font on it. That is not just what we're absorbing from that. It's so, so, so, so, so much more. Like yes, it's just a green square, yes, it's just a four letter word in black ink and Arial font. But it's also like creating this emotional response within us and it's like almost like and this is kind of crazy to imagine, but imagine this.
Speaker 1:Imagine you look down at a barcode and reading the barcode sends a message to your mind and body that it is something else right, like it's a barcode on a box and by reading the barcode you know what's in the box. By reading the barcode, like subconsciously, your eyes look at the barcode and you know immediately what's in the box. Okay, that's what we're doing. When we look at something like an album cover, especially one that looks like this it's black text on a green background you look at it, your mind receives a barcode and then it immediately creates a knowledge and a knowing and an understanding in your mind, right? So I saw it and it brought up all of these feelings. It took a while to get there, but they were activated. These feelings were activated within me and in somebody else looking at the album cover. That's gonna be their message, and so we're all looking at the same album cover, but we're all getting something entirely different.
Speaker 1:It's a work of art, is what it is. That's what they say about art. That's how they describe art. It's an album cover, so it's like musicians and their teams and all this stuff. They really do consider all these things and I may be taking it further, but at the end of the day, it's still art.
Speaker 1:And that's what I'm doing is I'm like asking myself, whenever I see a piece of art, which I consider almost everything to be, what does this evoke in me? When you, when you go to a museum and you and you look at pieces of art and you see people, you know they're like, they're looking at something visually and they're feeling it immediately. They're like what is this evoking in me? Right, if you, if you enjoy art like that and you go to museums, that's like. That's the joy and that's the thrill of going to an art museum is, or any type of museum is, when you look at something you can immediately be like, hmm, this is the feeling that evokes with me. But it's to me better in an art museum than, say, like a dinosaur exhibit, because they're telling you what to see in a dinosaur exhibit Like this is the Tyrannosaurus Rex, right, and these are its qualities, and here is its picture. Right, that's the dinosaur exhibit.
Speaker 1:But an art museum, the only thing they tell you really about all the art is who made it and their intention behind making it. So you can kind of know the artist's intention, but that's always secondary, right? Like when you look at the piece of art. That's first you look at the piece of art, you let it evoke things within you and then you, if you're curious, if you want to know more, if you want to understand the artist's intention, you go look at the little artist plaque, or maybe you're impressed by it, you want to look up more of their work, you look at the artist plaque and that's how album covers work. In my mind, album covers, artists' names have that effect as well.
Speaker 1:Like there's a reason why there's a trend, like in the past five years, to do all lowercase, like either all uppercase or all lowercase, or a weird combination of uppercase and lowercase. Like it's getting more and more specific with the typeface and the and the way typeface evokes messages within us. Right it, because back in the day, it was all handwritten. Right, I'm getting really historical here, but back in the day, everything was handwritten. This is only, like you know, 40 years ago, more things were handwritten or like typewriter Once more and more of our assets became typed. Now our minds are so trained, like if you think of like our minds as an algorithm, right, how they're training AI. They're seeing all of this typeface and all of this font and they're making associations. And that's what we're doing. Right, that's what we're doing, and it's subconsciously, but we're doing it. Just like I saw 1035 on my playlist and my mind just saw it.
Speaker 1:I didn't consciously make note of it until I went back in my memory bank. When it came up in my head I was like where did this come from? Right, where did this come from, is the question that I like to ask myself. So what is this, what is this evoking in me and where does this come from is probably the most effective questions I can ask myself, because what happens is, say, you're reading a text message. It makes you feel a certain type of way. Consider that text message as a piece of art and imagine it the text message like Charlie XCX's album cover generator, right. Imagine the text message in a museum frame, on a museum wall, and picture yourself just going like this in front of it, taking a deep breath and asking yourself what am I feeling right now? What feeling is this evoking within me? And then ask yourself where does it come from? It's helpful to have the visual in front of you when you're asking these questions. Where does this come from? Where does this come from?
Speaker 1:That's when you start getting into the dimensions of space you're perceiving. That's when you can go through and be like, okay, it's green, hmm, okay, it's Ariel type font. Hmm, okay, you know, that's when I enjoy it. You know, it's like looking at a piece of art. I'm going to go with a painting in this case. You're looking at a painting and you're looking at the brushstrokes, you're looking at the colors, you're looking at the texture, you're looking at the layers, you're looking at the artist, you're looking at the explanation, you're looking at the dates, you're looking at the materials right, all of those things. And then you put together this beautiful imagined artist's intention A and final product and you get to imagine the journey and then you get to use that as a metaphor in your own life. So if you imagine something as simple as a text message from your boyfriend or a text message from your girlfriend bias, boyfriend went first. Okay, heteronormies, okay.
Speaker 1:Imagine the text message in the museum frame and you're standing in front of it and you're looking at it and you're asking yourself what feeling does this evoke in me and where does it come from? So say something your partner says, triggers you via text message. Acknowledge that that text message is a piece of art. Okay, acknowledge it. Acknowledge that this other person had an intention and shared it with you through this medium, this text medium, and now your mind is visually looking at it. So pop out the text message, put it in your mental museum, take a step back, look at it. What does this evoke in me? If you get triggered now you get to ask yourself okay, where is this coming from? You just let yourself feel the feeling, you go, where does this come from? And then you let your mind find the answer. Let your mind find the answer. When you pair your mind, your working mind, with your feelings, you will get the answers you need.
Speaker 1:And I think I've shamed my mind a lot because I feel like and I think I've shamed my mind a lot because I feel like, you know, people associate overthinking with overuse of the mind. But it's not just overuse of the mind, it's overuse of the mind using your imagination to work for anxiety. And I don't want my imagination to work for my anxiety. I want my imagination to work for my actions. I am now doing exposure therapy because I want to understand what it's like to be a party girl and I'm scared to be a party girl. I'm scared. I used to be scared to be sober in alcohol spaces, but now I'm more confident that I would have fun. But now I'm just scared I'm going to get FOMO and feel left out, like feel like you know I'm different, I'm not like everybody else, I'm not like other girls. Right, and I know a lot more people are not at drinking. There's a lot more sober community conversations, but that also scares me, because there's a lot more sober community conversations but there's also more like celibacy conversations. There's also more like women in the home conversations.
Speaker 1:We're like moving as a society towards this like shy conservatism, which is interesting to me and scares me, because typically what that indicates on a cultural level is that you know we are trying to like move towards this feeling of pureness, purity and in the past that is what has made us act in the most atrocious ways as humans, even me. I feel kind of guilty. I'm like, well, maybe I should drink, just because I don't want to prove to myself or anybody else that not drinking is better. But then I'm like, then I have this evidence that alcohol is poisonous, so I'm like I have to decide for myself what is best for me. And the question I'm asking is like, okay, in this, in this sphere, is like, do I want to consume alcohol and why? And there's a lot of answers, right Like I don't think it tastes good, like I think it tastes horrible.
Speaker 1:So I'm like and what does that indicate to my brain? It's like typically, poison tastes horrible, so we don't drink it. And yet we're able to suppress the horrible taste and say that it tastes good. But I I don't know if that's an acquired thing, that like we are like inducted to in college when you just drink like crazy, and then it's like your taste buds just get used to it. And then you're like, yeah, it's good. And then you, and then you look at it like a piece of art and you're like, oh, the aromas and the different. Like you know, it's like to me it looks like you're just sniffing around and swirling around different brands of motor oil. Like I just don't understand it, right, like my brain doesn't understand the value. And so that makes me feel alienated from party culture, because I feel like I can never be a true party girl because drinking has always been associated with party girls.
Speaker 1:But then I'm like okay, lana and I, I understand the value of going to the club and having this collective effervescence, feeling everybody moving together, synchronizing, vibing, having the time of your life Like that evokes the strongest feelings of connection and joy with people. But I'm frustrated that it is isolated to these contexts associated with alcohol. I wish there were more ways to bring that feeling of collective effervescence, this feeling of oneness, this feeling of connection and vibing to this higher thing, right Music. I wish it wasn't associated with alcohol. I wish it could just be something that we all did, because I think more people would realize that like that's what we think the alcohol is doing. But really it's the fact that you're listening to the same music at the club with other people and the alcohol is just a cherry on top. And if you were able to do that consistently, without the highs and lows of alcohol or the state changes of alcohol, why wouldn't you want to do that? So I wish there were more context in society where you could feel collective effervescence, and for me that was in choir, right. That was singing as a group. You're connecting through music, using your vocal cords. You're singing as a group. Sometimes you're moving together as a group, that feeling of oneness.
Speaker 1:And it's also, you know, in militaries, right, when you march together, the military has a great sense of oneness because they instill that, because that's part of the identity, that's part of the mission is oneness, because it's one nation, right, protecting yourself from other nations. But my question to that is like, like, why can't we all feel that way? Why does it have to be? Our military feels a sense of oneness and then has to feel that the other military is the enemy. Why can't all the militaries feel one together so we can fight intergalactic warfare, right, like that's, that's, that's healing man, like? It's like you take a duality, you see the unity and then now this unity becomes part of another duality and then those two contrast and then you know, you expand in that way.
Speaker 1:So I've recognized this brat duality within myself, this idea that on one hand I want to be a party girl, I want to be a brat. I love what the ideal provokes in women, I love the confidence it exudes from sexy people, I just think it's fabulous and I would love to associate myself with that camp of people. But on the other hand, I have all of these negative associations that have kept me from, you know, taking any action towards being that, because you know I was scared of drinking alcohol and I was scared that I wasn't going to be cool and my mom told me I was a brat as a kid. Right Like these negative associations are now pairing like a fine wine and cheese with this want to be acknowledging that I want to be something that I have been told that I should hate. Oh my gosh, wow, that's a lot going on in me. But now this duality, once I see the unity, once I see the unity, I can back up and now learn more about myself. So what this has provoked, this analysis of CharlieXCX brat and this analysis of brat culture, this analysis of what it evoked in me.
Speaker 1:Please, like, take your time and go on the internet and watch Chronically Online Girls' Charli XCX video. That was really interesting. Listen to the album, immerse yourself in the art and then you know. See what it evokes in you. This duality within me of seeing Charli XCX's brat as art and my aversion, my feeling to this art has now become a unity. I can see the connection, right, and then I back up and now I say, okay, what does this connection between these two things connect with or contrast with in my already existing framework of life. And if I don't know the answer right away, that's when I have life experience and then I create that yin and yang and see the unity and contrast there and then I'm able to take that unity and use it. Do you understand what I'm saying? I just picture like spheres. I don't know. So I'm gonna go right now and listen to the whole album.
Speaker 1:I stopped halfway through to create this video. I pulled over again on the side of the road and I really wanted to share my feelings on it. I'm also excited to see what my AI art generates. Um, like, I want to know if the algorithm is up to date on brat culture. So check out the cover art for this podcast. See what the AI algorithm helped me create about brat culture in a surrealist way.
Speaker 1:That's my favorite. Favorite kind of art is surrealist because, oh, I can't. I certainly can't go into it now, but surrealism to me is just exactly what it sounds like it's surreal and it's so cool to experience surrealism in the physical space and not just in the mind space or in the creative space. Like to be able to put a visual to surrealism is really cool to take to take a concept and create art with it in this organically fluid way. I don't know, it's crazy, cool, cool. At least, fluidity is one of the aspects I like about surrealism. Not all surrealists are fluid. Some are like geometric. You know what I'm saying. Okay, that's all I have to say for today.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for coming to my conversation with myself about surrealism and the surrealism of brat culture. I still feel like I have so much I can ask myself from what I've learned today, mostly just like what is this evoking in me and where is it coming from? And letting my mind do that work, like letting my mind search for the answer, like going back in my memory cabinet and be like found it right, like that's what I picture and that helps me a lot to move forward. And knowing where I've been, I feel more comfortable moving forward and making choices in the future. That's that evidence that I need that I'm always going in the best direction for me, right? So, yeah, all right, I'm gonna go consider myself blessed for listening to Brat and work that out in my mind.
Speaker 1:I hope you enjoyed this and I hope you'll come to the next one, if you liked what you listened to today. Please let me know. Please, please let me know. Like just say, hey, lana, this was dope, because that means the world to me. Like even just one person, even just one person saying hey, I really liked what you said. "'i will cry tears of joy and sleep through the night'". So, thank you to those people who have reached out to me and if you do wanna chat with me, check out my TikTok at Lana J Dell Instagram. Same thing Thank you for coming to my art museum. I hope I'll see you next time. Bye.