Hi, everyone and welcome to another episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. Today we're going to be answering the question that I am sure many of you have been asked by sometimes quite naive, if not very ignorant, outsiders who do not understand the nuances of this type of abuse or any type of domestic violence for that matter. That question being, why did you, hey, why didn't you just leave the first time they hit you? If the abuse was that bad, then why did you stay with them all of these years and you left them not so long ago, why did you go back to them, the abuse kind of been that bad, or you wouldn't have gone back to them, either that, or have you considered there might be something wrong with you? If that were me, they wouldn't get a second chance to lay their hands on me or scream obscenities at me. I'd be out of there so fast. Their head would spin. It's comments like that that makes victims feel ashamed for being a victim of domestic violence. And how often do they hear comments like that from ignorant and naive people who do not understand why victims stay with their abuser or why they go back to their abuser if they do manage to escape? These comments also come not just from outsiders who just don't get it, but they can also come from well meaning loved ones who just get so frustrated at seeing their loved one seemingly choose the abuser and go back for more. And they just feel so frustrated and powerless to help their loved one who won't seem in, in their eyes to help themselves. And what they don't understand loved ones and other outsiders is that when we say this to a victim of domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, we're victim blaming. Going back to their abuser or staying with their abuser has nothing to do with a lack of intelligence or weakness. Uh, it's got nothing to do with something being wrong with the victim. And the other thing is the victim knows all of this. They know on a logical level that this relationship is toxic. And when we say these kind of victim blaming statements to them, we're actually reinforcing what their abuser has been saying to them over and over again, which makes it even more difficult for them to leave that environment because their self esteem is just so low, and because their abuser has made them believe that no one else will want them. Now if it were easy to do, then everyone would do it, right? That would be no victims of abuse staying with their abuser. They would all get up the first time that someone yelled at them or laid their hands on them, and they would be gone. There would be no domestic violence, domestic abuse victims out there. The reality is it is incredibly difficult for victims to leave their abusive relationship because of a concept that we call [...0.6s] trauma bonding. Now there are many other factors that will exacerbate the powerful attachment, the trauma bond to the victims abuser, such as children, financial dependence, a lack of confidence, a lack of self esteem, etcetera. But today I'm going to be talking specifically about trauma bonding, which is a very, very powerful attachment that a victim has to their abuser, to that abusive relationship where there are polarized highs and lows. Now, victims know that these relationships are toxic. They know they should go. And the reality is they don't know why they stay. And this is what they need vast amounts of support with. Not people telling them to get out and leave. They already know this and they actually know how to go and where to go. They know that there are facilities out there that will be able to help them. What they don't understand is why they stay when they know on a logical level that [...0.8s] this relationship is so bad for them. And it makes them feel crazy. It makes them feel stupid, just like their abuser told them, because no matter how much they know about domestic violence and about the, the resources that are out there to help them, they just can't stay away. So what is trauma bonding? Trauma bonding is a very, very powerful addiction or attachment that a victim of domestic violence, narcissistic abuse has to their abuser. And the roller coaster of, uh, emotions and, uh, the chemicals that are pulsating through their body where there are polarized highs and lows in a sense. There are [...0.8s] cyclical episodes of abusive periods followed by intermittent periods of or acts of kindness or just breadcrumbs of the nice person. Now when the abuser, the narcissist is love bombing their victim, the dopamine is flowing, uh, the oxytocin is flowing. The victim feels amazing. And they will crave that feeling when, when it inevitably comes to a screeching halt, as it always does with the narcissist. So what happens is that like a drug addict who experiences that euphoric first initial high that they always remember, that is what you're feeling when the narcissist is love bombing you. And it is not just psychological, emotional, it is also biochemical. Because when [...1.0s] those, uh, dopamine receptors are all being hit at once, and all of those chemicals that are pulsating through your body in those times when they're making you feel like a king or queen, you're feeling amazing, so you're being set up to crave that chemical cocktail back again. It feels good. And when it is ripped away or the love bombing comes to a screeching halt, what happens? You crash, just like a, a drug addict who is addicted to their drug and have just had all the drugs flush down the toilet, and they're in cold Turkey, and they're experiencing the feelings of withdrawal. They crash, and that is what happens to you. It's like your, your honor [...0.8s] cloud, a pink cloud where you feel amazing, and then all of a sudden, you are unceremoniously booted off that cloud. And all of those chemicals that made you feel good for that extended period of time are ripped away from you, and are replaced with [...0.7s] ones that make you feel horrible, like cortisol and the, the adrenaline pumping on overdrive at the same time when you're in a state of fight or flight. And you're trying to get back that feeling again, or those chemicals that were pulsating through your body at that time that felt so good. Now I think using the term roller coaster is such an accurate way to describe the relationship with a narcissist, because [...0.7s] that's exactly what it's like. You are thrown around, there are polarized highs and lows. And, and, uh, if you can imagine the feeling you have when you're just about to jump out of the plane, if you've ever gone skydiving, it's that feeling that you are basically in 24 hours a day when you're with the narcissist, and that chemical cocktail followed by [...1.5s] a relief, a release of dopamine and serotonin when the roller coaster stops, and you go [...1.4s] that [...0.7s] chemical cocktail where you are walking on eggshells all of the time. And, and the relief comes when the abuse ends. That cocktail is extremely addictive, and [...0.7s] this explains why victims become addicted to this roller coaster, this chaotic environment, because the thought of it going from their lives forever. Uh, the, the withdrawal they experience, they don't even know is withdrawal when they are without their chemical cocktail. And there's, there's no UPS and downs, and there's no push pull, push pull, and there's just peace and harmony and [...0.6s] emptiness. That feeling can be terrifying when [...0.8s] your existence has been revolving around those chemicals and the person associated with those feelings, which is your abuser. Now this explains somewhat the physical, the biochemical [...0.7s] addiction to your abuser, but let's talk more about the psychological component to that. Let's look at what the abuser does. They [...0.6s] get you hooked on a feeling, and then they proceed to rip that away from you, so you crash and you want that feeling back again. Now let's look at all the strategies the narcissist uses to confuse and abuse you, such as gaslighting, brainwashing, where they distort your reality. You don't trust yourself, yourself anymore. You don't trust your instincts, and they lower your self esteem. You lose your sense of self. You don't even know who you are anymore. All of those strategies make you dependent on your abuser for what your reality is and [...0.7s] essentially who you are. So the narcissist goes to extremes to make you feel amazing and get you hooked on that feeling, and then they rip it away from you. And they use all of those strategies that we just talked about so that you don't trust yourself. You're confused, you don't understand what's happening to you as well as this, they are isolating you from anyone else who can influence you. So the abuse begins. You're confused and it feels so bad, and you're chasing those good feelings again, you just want those horrible chemicals to go away. So [...0.6s] who do you go back to to make you feel better and get rid of all those horrible chemicals from your body? You go back to the very person who made you feel bad, who abused you in the first place. The narcissist, your abuser in a sense. The narcissist abuses you, wounds you, makes you feel worse than anyone else has ever made you feel. And then they become your white knight. They come along and they heal the wound that they created. So [...0.8s] you turn [...0.6s] to the person who created the wound for relief. And that relief you get when the wound is healed or [...0.7s] there's a, there's been a Band Aid placed over the top. That relief will Trump all manners of abuse. Just like the heroin addict, uh, needing to end the terrible pain of withdrawal, [...0.9s] that feeling of, ah, they get when they put the needle in their arm. That relief will outway [...1.0s] any thoughts of the abuse. And they go back to their drug dealer because the thought of being in that terrible withdrawal again is just too much to bear. So your abuser becomes this hero. They become the only person who can heal the wound that feels so bad for you. This is what creates this very, very powerful attachment to your abuser, where their bread crumbs, their [...0.8s] days when they're being nice to you. These days seem like gold because they are gold. No, [...0.7s] but because the abuse has ended, and [...0.7s] you, you feel relief. And it doesn't occur to a victim who just wants to feel better. That, uh, the abuser was the one that started this cycle and the first place. They just want an end to their pain, they want to feel better. And the narcissist when they, when they, [...0.6s] uh, act like nothing's happened. In other words, they're stopping the silent treatment, or they're putting their arms around you after they've screamed obscenities at you, or perhaps they'd hit you that relief feels amazing. And [...0.6s] victims experiencing this, liken, the intensity of their emotions and their feelings on this roller coaster to love and passion, [...0.7s] when the intensity of these feelings has nothing to do with love or, or passion, and everything to do with addiction and toxicity. Now. This is why you feel like you're losing an arm or a leg when you're [...1.5s] escaping, or you're trying to escape, or you've been discarded by the narcissist. It's because you're in withdrawal, you're addicted to this toxic cycle, and you don't even know it. So if society is victim blaming you and saying why don't you just leave? And you actually know on a logical level, that is bad, this is bad. And you yourself don't understand why you stay, because you don't understand the concept of this very powerful attachment, the addiction to your abuser. Then all of those terrible things your abuser said to you, like, you're worthless, you're, you're hopeless, no one will want you. All of those things are going to ring true because [...0.7s] you can't seem to stay away. And that's because you don't know about trauma bonding. And that's why it is so important to create an awareness and have more education for victims and survivors. Because if you don't know that this powerful addiction exist, of course you're going to blame yourself and feed into and, and support what your abuser has been telling you all along, which is going to make you stay because you don't think that your, you have any value or that anyone else will want you. And of course, [...0.7s] the horrible feelings that come with the abuse are not as bad as the horrible withdrawal pains when you weigh them up as a victim. Now we so need more, [...0.6s] uh, services out there for victims and survivors of, uh, narcissistic abuse, uh, with [...0.8s] services that are culturally, uh, respective, uh, of victims who need advocates because domestic violence victims don't all fit into one box. Uh. Someone might need, um, a representative because they're perhaps an Indigenous Australian or someone who, uh, is in a gay relationship who feels like they can't come forward. Uh, because they won't feel respected or have their, their trauma validated or, you know, just being able to get repercussions and be protected from their abuser. Because they're considered to be on the same level playing field [...0.7s] as their same sex part, same sex partner. If we don't have this education out there for victims to understand why they stay and keep going back, then [...0.8s] the services that are out there, uh, not going to be enough. A victim is not going to stay in, let's say, a shelter. If there [...1.2s] trauma bonded to their abuser, and they are experiencing full blown cravings for their abuser because of the terrible withdrawal pains. If we don't teach victims and educate, I guess, first responders and, and mental health professionals about trauma bonding, uh, as a reason that victims cannot stay away and they need to be supported to understand this addiction, then victims are going to continue to go back no matter [...0.6s] what. They're going back to that craving, just like the craving that builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. For [...0.6s] an alcoholic, if it gets that big, the only thing they can do to get rid of that craving by that stage is, is to pick up a drink. And this is why victims go back, not because there's anything wrong with themselves, but because of the manipulative strategies the abuser [...0.8s] engages in to get them hooked. This addiction happens under the level of awareness. So you only start to become aware of the fact that you can't stay away from something, you know, is bad for you. You only start to realize this when [...0.6s] it's too late, and you are completely enmeshed and addicted to this roller coaster. So let me repeat that. So you [...0.7s] stop blaming yourselves and others stop blaming you for staying with your abuser, [...0.8s] this addiction, this powerful attachment to the polarized highs and lows, where you get this immense relief when the abuser provides intermittent periods of inadverted commerce kindness. This [...0.7s] roller coaster [...1.1s] is [...1.4s] addicted, and it all happens under the level of awareness. It doesn't matter how many letters we have after our name. It doesn't matter if we're [...0.8s] a, a psychiatrist. I have, you know, a number of beautiful clients who are psychiatrist and clinical psychologist. And, you know, they, they beat themselves up, saying, you know, [...0.7s] I should have known, no, you shouldn't have. And if that's you and your, your work working in the them as a mental health profession, [...1.1s] as a mental health professional, please stop beating yourself up, because this [...1.2s] trauma bond, this type of abuse can happen to anyone. Certainly previous trauma is going to make you more susceptible, but anyone can become a victim. And a trauma bond [...1.0s] happens, no matter what our area of expertise is because we don't know what's happening to explain this. Let me talk about the frog [...0.8s] who jumps into a pot of water on the stove. The pot of water, the water is beautiful, it's nice. And tap it and the frogs having an amazing time [...2.1s] lying on its back. If that's what frogs do and it thinks it's wonderful. All of a sudden the water starts to heat up. Someone turns that heat up ever so gradually. It's so gradual, the frog doesn't know. And before the frog knows it, that water is boiling and the frog boils to death. It was powerless to escape. Now this is what's happening when you become addicted [...0.6s] to this relationship. The, [...0.9s] the abuse [...1.0s] starts off small, and your boundaries are [...0.8s] the the, I guess the knocks to your boundaries, the erosion of your boundaries is so slow over time that you don't know that it's happening. And it's only when it becomes really bad or you're overt, um, that you start to realise that something's wrong, but you don't understand why you can't seem to leave, or [...0.8s] if you have escaped, why you keep going back. Now trauma bonding is sometimes known or referred to as Stockholm syndrome. Uh, many of you may have heard that term more than you've actually heard of, uh, trauma bonding. So let [...0.8s] me talk about where the term, uh, or the concept Stockholm Syndrome actually comes from. Stockholm Syndrome comes from or it was coined, uh, because of a bank heist that took place in, I believe 1973. Uh, please guys message me and correct me if I'm off with that. Uh, during this bank heist, uh, hostages were taken. Uh, the, the bank heist, uh, [...0.9s] included negotiations with the authorities for the release of someone from prison. I believe that the hot dead, the [...0.8s] captors, the terrorists wanted, and of course, for the release of the hostages now. This went on for something like, uh, five or six days or nights. Now can you imagine [...0.9s] the terror [...0.8s] that abounded or was, was going through the, the minds? And, and what those hostages were experiencing, especially in the beginning when they were ripped [...0.8s] from, uh, their world? They were isolated from [...0.9s] anyone, their loved ones, uh, the community. And [...0.8s] there were threats to their life if the, uh, terrorists [...0.8s] did not have their demands met. Now during this [...0.7s] period of time when the hostages were isolated from their [...1.3s] loved ones, from the outside world, the terrorist had free right to, uh, abuse, confuse and manipulate them. They basically had, uh, [...0.8s] people who they could, uh, brainwash Gaslight. And of course, they had victims who were terrorized and needed relief from the feelings of that terror. So during this time, the abusers between the, the negotiations when they were threatening the victim's lives. They were nice to their [...0.7s] victims, the people they had ripped away from, uh, their everyday world, they were nice to them. They stopped the abuse, they [...0.8s] got them cups of tea, made them comfortable to an extent. They even talked about their own lives and [...0.8s] why they would doing this, and how the world had been against them. And, and [...0.6s] basically, they [...0.8s] started to make their victims feel sorry for them, at least [...1.2s] along with them. Some of them did. They made the victims minimize the abuse, rationalize it away, because these [...0.6s] abuses had lives. They were real people. In other words, the victims began to humanize them. Now what happened to these victims is beyond belief. They were [...0.7s] thinking they were going to die. Now that terror [...0.9s] was so bad that when their abusers were nice to them, they, their brains were able to, uh, make them seem a lot less abusive than they were, [...0.7s] because [...0.6s] of that star contrast between the terror and the terror ending. Not because the abusers were nice people. Now there is research out there to, uh, support the notion around, uh, hostages forming a bond with their captor, with the terrorist, because of the intensity of these feelings where [...1.0s] these [...0.9s] terrorists become human to them. Because like a cult leader, they have isolated them from any support system and manipulated their perceptions so much show that some hostages have gone on to, uh, rob banks with them and, um, defend them to the authorities. They didn't want them to be put in jail, because they came across as being normal human beings who just had a hard time. Now there is also research out there to support the fact that [...0.6s] victims of these types of situations, such as bank holdups and, and other hostage situations actually went out to seek out adrenaline seeking activities. Why is that? Because [...0.6s] in that [...0.8s] place of terror, when they had to survive, and they became, uh, [...0.7s] addicted to that chemical cocktail, and they were in that heightened state of fight or flight for so long. When [...0.6s] they went back to their everyday normal life with peace and harmony [...0.6s] and no terror, no roller coaster, [...0.6s] they felt empty. They crashed [...0.8s] and they wanted, probably without even knowing it, they wanted to feel alive again. And their brain associated being alive with being in a state of fight or flight. Now I really hope that this episode explains to you that [...0.7s] there was nothing wrong with you when you stayed with your abuser for so long or why you went back. And I hope as a victim, you're able to explain this to your loved ones who perhaps, you know, got to that stage when they were throwing their hands in the air because they done everything they could do and you still went back. Then you felt embarrassed to tell them, which, you know, pushes victims further into the arms of their abuser when the victim feels like they can't reach out to their loved ones anymore because they did go back so many times. I hope it makes you understand this wasn't your fault and that this addiction flies in the face of logic and it happens under the level of awareness. So you going back, you remaining [...0.7s] not knowing that you're trauma bonded, you're going to blame yourself, you're going to think you're abuser [...0.6s] was right. And when you've got society engaging in those victim blaming statements, which is why didn't you just leave, or, you know, why do you keep going back? What is wrong with you? Then [...0.8s] it enforces, reinforces what your abuser said to you. So I hope you now know that this was not your fault. And [...0.8s] in saying that, uh, addictions, especially this addictions are hard to break because we crave something we know is bad for us. When you go back for seemingly another round of abuse, it's because you're experiencing a craving, not because you love your abuser, and certainly not because there is anything wrong with you. But [...0.7s] when we have that craving, we want the horrible feelings of withdrawal to end. So when you are ruminating about your abuser, it is no different to the heroin addict thinking about their drug 24 hours a day when they're in withdrawal. That's what they think about, and that's why you are ruminating about your abuser. It is not love. You can't love someone who abuses you. The reason it feels so good [...0.6s] if you go back is because the abuse [...0.9s] and the withdrawal [...0.8s] ends, and you get relief. Love feels good. It doesn't feel good [...1.3s] when you go back. It's that [...0.9s] you are having those horrible feelings are taken away. It's not that it feels good to go back to your abuser. It's that it feels so bad to be without them, and that please understand this, guys. That is not love when [...1.2s] it feels bad to be without them, it doesn't feel good to be with them, it just feels so incredibly bad to be without them. That's not love, that's addiction. Okay, guys, that brings us to the end of another episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. And if you're listening now, then you have stayed with me right to the end. So thank you so much. Okay, let's talk about what we spoke about in today's episode. Today we were trying to answer the question of what is trauma bonding? Why do victims stay with their abuser? We looked at concepts like, uh, the polarized highs and lows you experience where the lows are so low, the high seem like gold and you go to your abuser, the very person who abused you in the first place, as the only person who can heal the wounds that they created. We had a look at what happened at the bank heist in Stockholm and how that explains exactly what you have been through where you have become addicted to the role, the coaster of chemicals pulsating through your body where this is not just [...0.7s] a, a psychological addiction but a biochemical addiction as well. And we also, uh, spoke about the fact that this addiction took place under your level of awareness and that it doesn't matter how smart we are, it can happen to anyone. So before you go, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss a weekly episode of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys. And don't forget to follow me on my other social media platform where you can get together and discuss these episodes. So for now, it's buy from me and until next week. Remember, you are worthy, you are worthy of so much love. And you are certainly worthy of a whole lot more than a lifetime of fake love and flying monkeys.