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Welcome to the pilot episode of Influence HerMindset. In this deeply personal and powerful episode, I share the traumatic event that changed my life forever—my stepdad shooting my mom five times.
Growing up in South Park, Houston, I lived a comfortable life with my mom and stepfather. My mom was a kept woman, and my stepfather, who married my mom when I was around 4 or 5, was the only father figure I knew. Despite our seemingly perfect life, underlying tensions about money began to build, leading to a tragic night that shattered our family.
Through my mom's incredible strength and resilience during her recovery, I learned the importance of financial independence. This experience shaped my views on financial security and helped me understand the patterns in my life that needed healing.
This podcast is not just about my story; it’s about the journey to understand the foundation of your mindset and move beyond past challenges in a healthy way. In today's world, social media and reality TV often promote a "City Girl and Flewed Out" lifestyle, leading many young women to rely on others for financial security. Influence HerMindset aims to transform that mindset and teach women how to be financially secure on their own terms.
Join me as we explore financial therapy and personal growth, drawing from real-life stories and expert insights. Together, we will challenge harmful stereotypes, build financial strength, and empower ourselves for a brighter financial future. Tune in to this powerful first episode and start your journey to financial independence with Influence HerMindset.
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Intro Music: Financial therapy. Financial healing. Influence with therapy. Empowering your wallet. She mines her money. Financial therapy for us. Influence Her Mindset Podcast.
Welcome to the Influence Her Mindset Podcast. I'm Miko and I'm your host. Thank you for joining us today. Today I want to share with you a childhood traumatic event that really influenced my relationship with money. Because I firmly believe that money is the number one conflict in relationships and marriages today. And that same conflict usually leads to financial abuse. For example, after a week-long argument about money, my stepfather shot my mom five times close range. Let that sink in a minute.
Mom was the type of person that, you know, it was either her way or the highway, and she was used to the men in her life taking care of her.
She became a mother at the tender age of 17. She didn't finish high school, so she pretty much had a lifestyle of people and men in her life taking care of her. Now, my stepfather was a good provider. He took care of my mom and all four kids very well. He loved me like i was his own. And he was pretty much the only man i had a relationship with as a father figure in my life at the time. So, it was summer. It was coming to a close in the summer. We had just had my sweet 16 birthday party. Just completed cheer camp and school was about to start. Everything was good. My stepbrother and my cousin was still at the house from visiting, you know, for the summer.
So pretty much everything was good, but there was an unusual amount of arguing between my stepfather and my mom about him going on a trip to California and leaving us without any money in the house. And my mom was so mad at him. She was like, I can't believe you're going to go on this trip. You don't need to go on this trip. Like, why are you going to leave us like that with no money? And keep in mind, we had just built this house, we had only been in this house for about three years. So I imagine at this time, money might have been getting a little tight or a little short, but nevertheless, my mom was very angry with my stepfather for getting ready to leave.
So, long story short, it was about 10.30 at night, he loaded up his suitcase after he packed his clothes, he put it in the car, and he left in his car. He went down the street to meet his brother, which was about maybe six houses down the street from us. And my mom, in an angered rage, she put on her house slippers, you know, she got on her gown, and she put on her house robe, and she got in her car, and she followed him down the street. So long story short, she was gone for a while. So next thing we know, you know, we're staying up late or whatever, it's summertime, having a good time. The phone rings. It's 2 a.m. It's my aunt on the phone.
She's asking me, do you know where your mom is? And I go, no. I thought she was down there with you because she left and she followed my stepfather down the street. And she was like, no, your mom was shot by your stepfather and she had to be life flighted to Herman Hospital. And I was like, oh, my God, I just froze. because we live in the hood of South Park in Houston, Texas. So I'm thinking if she had to be lifelighted to Herman Hospital, oh, my God, it must have been really, really bad. At this point, I don't know if my mom is alive or dead. OK, so I'm like, oh, my God. So I hang up the phone with her. And I called my brother right away.
He comes to get us. So, you know, I'm just imagining, like, what in the world is going on? So I heard that my mom was rushed into emergency surgery when she got to the hospital to try to save her life. And she had four bullets that went into her stomach and one that went into the arm and came out. So... They had to try to remove all these bullets out of her stomach. And pretty much, you know, there was a give and take where the surgery kind of lasted about eight hours. And then she was in ICU. And so, long story short, I finally got a chance to go and see her in ICU. When I got to the door, I walked in.
And it was just like so crazy because I could see my mom's fingernails in her hands. You know, they were like full of blood. Like they had wiped up the blood, but it was still kind of like under her fingernails. And then I looked at a bag on the floor, and there was her gown and her robe and her house slippers, like full of blood. It looks like they had to cut the clothes off of her. And so... I got to her and pretty much I saw like holes in her stomach like where they tried to remove the bullets but in the middle of her stomach was a big deep cut from top to bottom and it was kind of spread open like a watermelon.
When I got that far I just fainted. I was, I was, I had just had enough. It was just too much at that point. So I was like, oh, you know, when I came to, I was told that, you know, the split, the deep cut in her stomach, it was gonna heal from the inside out. So, you know, it had to pretty much stay open that way for a while. So, it was just a lot to process. So, Long story short, my mom, she pretty much stayed in ICU for a month, and she ended up staying in the hospital about four months. And when she came home, life as we all knew it pretty much was changed. Not only was she coming home barely alive, it was a miracle that she even made it through this and pretty much recovered, but
Right on the side of that deep split in her stomach was a clear colostomy bag. And you could see through it. It was for her to have bowel movements. Like this bag, it would get full. Then you had to drain it. It stunk really bad when it started to leak. So it was a lot to process. She was very thin and frail and just weak. And it was a lot to process. But... Long story short, so after all of this, the results of this event, I was just thinking, what type of mindset was I in at the age of 16? Now, keep in mind, during the time she was in the hospital for these four months, I was very traumatized. I don't know if my mom is going to make it.
She's in the hospital every day. I got to go move in with my sister and her boyfriend. You know, they're taking care of me. I'm disgusted. I'm embarrassed about the incident. I don't want to answer any questions. I don't want anybody to ask me about it. I don't want to talk about it with friends. I'm just really overwhelmed as a 16-year-old because that is a lot to process. Probably the average person probably wouldn't have made it through that, but it was a very hard experience for me at that time. I started to mentally just shut down. Then I think about the mindset of my mom at the time. She's you know feeling different her body's different. She's had to undergo all of these surgeries basically her colon was Fragmented her intestines were obstructed Like you know she's had all these surgeries.
She's heartbroken because of course you know Your husband just shot you like what could you possibly be processing at that time? You know you feel Shared a life with this person. So I'm sure she was heartbroken, you know self-esteem low Like how is she gonna live now? You know, obviously they couldn't be around each other because it was a restraining order in place so and then after that She had to kind of like process. How am I gonna go on by myself? She slept a lot. She was crying all the time and She pretty much started to take prescription drugs, and I do believe she got hooked on the medication at that point because she was just masking the pain physically and mentally.
You know, your husband is not there. You're pretty much going to have to figure it out now by yourself. So then I think about the mindset of my stepfather. Pretty much he probably couldn't really... even believe he actually shot my mom because, you know, this is the person that he loves, shared life with. You know, I'm just thinking, like, why did he do this? I have so many different questions, but he seemed so angry. Like there were times, you know, after this that we had to go to court and he always seemed to be mad. You know, now he's fighting for his freedom. They're going through a divorce. You know, his mindset was probably all over the place. as well as feeling bad and sorry for what he did, you know, as a reactive response, you know, not really thinking you're going to actually shoot somebody, but you actually do, so I'm sure he felt bad about the situation.
So after all of this is over with, you know, long story short, they end up getting a divorce. He was awarded the house. We had to move out of the house. He moved back in. He was also ordered to pay my mom alimony for about three years. So me and my mom, we pretty much had to start living on our own. There's no comfort blanket. There's no financial security anymore. So we pretty much got to figure it out on our own. And in that moment, I pretty much became like a parent to my mom. It was a very difficult time to be in. So after that, you know, I just kind of like processed like what exactly, you know, what is our life going to be like now?
So just to give you a little insight about financial dependence itself. What is financial dependence? usually financial dependence is when one person relies totally on another person for money or income you know it could be a dependent it could be a spouse it could be a homemaker you know there's no face for the person that's dependent or for the person that they're relying on it could be anybody this can be stressful for anybody so For financial abuse, what does that look like? So there's one thing to be financially dependent, but financial abuse comes in when one person is in charge or has control over all of the finances of the other person, or a good bit of it, and their assets and resources, and they begin to use the money
the resources as their own without permission. That's when it becomes abuse. For example, if someone has access to your credit cards or your bank account or they file a fraudulent income tax return and you don't know about it, I mean you didn't give them permission to do it, but it shows up in different areas. So pretty much financial dependents can actually turn into financial abuse. And that is when the person in control over the finances uses the money as a tactic to control the other person. And they manipulate them and they pretty much threaten to cut them off, you know, so that they can maintain in control of everything. And, you know, just pretty much the victim stays connected to the accuser to maintain that financial stability.
So, just wanted you to see how your mindset really and truly can influence your behaviors and your financial decisions. So, it could show up in any form as financial infidelity, financial dependence, financial abuse, hoarding, gambling, overspending, you know, compulsive shopping. There's so many different ways that this can show up because of your mindset. So I'm going to take some time now and just kind of go over, you know, process why did my mom stay in the mindset she was in? Of course, I told you. She was financially dependent upon my stepfather and basically all of the men in her life. So I think about her mindset that she didn't change. Once she was a victim of not really taking responsibility, I guess I won't say victim, but once she didn't go back and further herself in her education,
and maybe make sure she had a great job to supply a living for herself and for her children, instead of depending on a man to take care of her, her mindset was this was a way of life. So that kind of got out of control because she allowed the men in her life to control the household finances, and pretty much the person in charge of the wallet controls the house. So that in that aspect, I really believe that my mom and my stepfather financially abused each other. And when I say that, I believe that he was under so much stress and, you know, frustrated about trying to keep up this lifestyle that they wanted together or my mom wanted, you know, he became aggravated and
overwhelmed and maybe he couldn't keep up with this lifestyle anymore. So he could have very well been trying to leave my mom that night. I don't know, but I assume it had to be kind of hard because like I said, she was pretty much one of these women that demanded, you know, this man take care of her. She was used to that lifestyle. So it's pretty much her way or the highway. So I believe that he became overwhelmed and he pretty much went into this fight or flight type stage and his reaction was a volatile act with the shooting. So I pretty much think they abused each other at that point. So because of this experience, it really influenced me not to live that lifestyle.
Now, you got to keep in mind, my mom's been living that lifestyle for a good while in front of me. So a lot of times I found myself attracted to guys that, you know, made fast cash or live the fast lifestyle in order for them to show their love to me and take care of me. But I had to do the work. I had to do the healing. And I had to connect. Where is this trauma coming from? And I traced it back to my childhood. This one event in the back of my mind was still showing up in my relationships and in my everyday life. So I had to get to work. I had to make sure that I went to school, got a college degree, multiple degrees, and I was able to be financially independent as a woman.
And even if I was married or not, I wanted to make sure that I was never dependent on another person for my financial resources. It also made me... take a look, a close look around at my surroundings like what where am i getting my influence from? Where is the things that are influencing my mindset so i didn't make sure that my surroundings were very positive. And, you know, I didn't want to get caught up in that lifestyle because, of course, you see how it ended. My mom could have actually died that night. Only because she was upset because my stepfather was leaving without providing money for her for the rest of the week. or for however long he was going to be gone, we don't even know.
You know, and in that instance, I'm just, you know, making sure that I'm kind of putting myself in his shoes, in her shoes, and as a 16-year-old, how did that affect me long-term? If you, right now, are in a financially dependent Relationship. I want to speak to you clearly at this point. And I want to give you a few things that you can do today to start to make your detachment process easy. I'm always gonna tell you to detach with love because these things don't happen overnight. And certainly you don't want to trigger the person that's in control of the finances. But as Most women, we want to make sure that we're smart of how we approach maybe an accuser that we're calling, saying that's in the role of being the person that we're financially dependent upon.
But these steps are very easy. First, I'd like you to seek help from a family member or a professional that can help you start to develop a plan for you to become independent. Second, I want you to try to get a stable income. Get a job, you know, even if you have to open up a business or go back to school to get a certain skill or a trade. Make sure you're able to increase your earning potential. Secondly, I want you to educate yourself more about your personal finances. Learn how to do a budget. reduce your debt. Start an emergency fund. You know, make sure you have enough to cover your monthly expenses. You know, you never want to be in a position where you have to depend on somebody if something goes wrong, something happens to the person you're totally dependent upon.
What are you going to do next? Excuse me. Thirdly, Once you find out that you can really handle your monthly expenses every time, you have enough to cover it, start to develop a savings or start to invest. You want to begin to build wealth for yourself and your family. And I'm not saying you have to leave the person. You and this other significant person can certainly build together. I'm just telling you to make sure you have steps in place to become financially independent and not always financially dependent because two incomes are much more better than one any day. So remember, you know, learn what a healthy relationship looks like and also remember how you felt if you're connected to someone that always dangles the wallet in front of you or always you have to ask for permission to spend or you always have to, you know, go to someone else for your money.
Don't let that be your situation anymore. Make sure you never go back to that type of atmosphere or live in that way. Make sure you're strong because today I want to be able to make sure I influence your mindset to be financially independent, make wise decisions financially, and live a healthy life with a healthy relationship with your money. That is all I have today for you. I'm so glad you took the chance to just listen to us all the way through. You got an idea about what this podcast is going to be about. But I just want to make sure that each week or each episode, I'm bringing to you financial planning tips as well as techniques for you to increase financially and for you to have a better life and a better relationship with money.
Because again, money is the number one source of conflict in relationships and marriages today. But that doesn't have to be your story. Thank you, everyone. I'm Miko. I'm your host. And thank you for listening to the pilot episode of Influence Her Mindset podcast. See you later. Bye-bye.
